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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Mr. Wizard’s World

Mr. Wizard…..Bill Hader
Chris…..Jesse Esienberg
Claudette…..Nasim Pedrad
Lauren…..Abby Elliott
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Nickelodeon logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon After Dark! Coming up: A classic episode of “Mr. Wizard”!

[ dissolve to “Mr. Wizard’s World” opening montage ]

[ dissolve to Mr. Wizard’s science lab set ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, kids!

Kids: Hey, Mr. Wizard!!

Mr. Wizard: Today, we’re gonna learn about something called “static electricity” — and you’re the conductor! Now, everything is made up of atoms, but what floats around those atoms? Does anyone know? Chris?

Chris: [ shyly ] I don’t know…

Mr. Wizard: Claudette?

Claudette: Um… I don’t really know.

Mr. Wizard: Lauren?

Lauren: Electrons!

Mr. Wizard: Good! And when we rub up agaisnt something, sometimes those tiny electrons move. Now, everyone, take a balloon. Take a balloon! [ everyone grabs a balloon ] Now, what I want you to do is rub that balloon on yourself. [ they each rub the balloon across their arms ] There you go! You can rub your sweater, your arm — you can even rub your partner! There you go! Very good! Go ahead! Good. Very good. Get worked up in science!

[ Claudette and Chris begin to rub their balloons over her breasts and his genitals ]

Mr. Wizard: Okay, Chris? Chris? Claudette? Guys? Guys, that’s fine! Enough with the balloons, okay? Enough!

[ Claudette and Chris stop rubbing their balloons ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, what do we experience with the balloons? Chris?

Chris: Something… new?

Mr. Wizard: Yes. Yes, but what?

Chris: I don’t know…

Claudette: It — it felt like a good headache!

Mr. Wizard: Well, actually — we created an electronic field. And if you get a strong enough field, your balloons can stick to anything — even a wall! Let’s go ahead and rub our balloons again, but this time just on the sleeve. Just on the sleeve, everyone.

[ Claudette and Chris begin rubbing their balloons on her breasts and his genitals again ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, in order for this to stick, you really need to rub a lot. The more you rub, the more those electrons will transfer over, giving you a really powerful static charge. Alright, you guys feeling that charge?

Chris: YES!!

Claudette: Yeah, I feel it!!

Mr. Wizard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, that’s enough! That’s enough, you guys! That’s enough, please!

[ Claudette turns around so Chris can rub the balloon on her butt ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! That’s enough!! Enough with the balloons! Enough with the balloons! DRop ’em, drop ’em — we’re all done! [ he grabs the balloons from them ]

Chris: Science is fun!

Mr. Wizard: Not — not that fun! Now, uh — let’s put our balloons on the board, shall we? Let’s see what happens. [ Mr. Wizard, Lauren and Kenan stick their balloons onto the wall board ] See how it sticks? How about that, huh? Now, what have we learned from the experiment?

Claudette: Um — I like rubbing?

Mr. Wizard: Not really — no, no, no, no, no! Now, think about the experiment — did you learn anything?

Chris: Balloond make things grow!

Mr. Wizard: No. No, no, no, no! Uh — let’s move on. Now, people aren’t the only conductors. Have you ever heard of a Van De Graaff Generator?

[ he reaches for the machine at the far side of the lab ]

Kenan: Oh, wow — that’s BIG!!

Mr. Wizard: Yeah, yeah! It sure is! [ he and Kenan move it forward ] Now, an electrostatic generator can reach up to 5 megabolts just from all the vibrating. Want to see what it can do to you?

Claudette: Yeah! Hurry up!

Mr. Wizard: Okay! Here we go!

[ Mr. Wizard flips the switch as the machine hums ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, go ahead and touch it and see what happens.

[ the kids touch the tip, as music begins to play ]

Mr. Wizard: Good, good. Now, what’s happening here is we’re accelerating electrons to create an electromagnetic field. If you stay in the field long enough, you’ll be fully charged with negative electrons. Now, are you fully charged yet?

[ reveal Claudette and Chris humped over the machine with their hair standing on end ]

Claudette: Yeah!

Chris: Getting there!

Claudette: I’m feeling it!

Mr. Wizard: Oh, sweet Maria… Get off! Get off of there, guys!

Claudette: No, b-but it’s good for me!

Chris: Yes, I want to do science in the shower!

Mr. Wizard: No, you don’t! No, you don’t! Uh — uhhh — when we come back, you’ll learn another great conductor — body heat! Oh, boy… uh…

[ Mr. Wizard pulls out a fire extinguisher and blasts Claudette and Chris with it ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

TCM: The Essentials

Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudekis
Doctor Blackenstein…..Jay Pharoah
Blackenstein’s Monster…..Kenan Thompson
Igor…..Jessie Eisenberg
The Bride…..Nicki Minaj
Mob Leader…..Bill Hader
Mob Leader’s Wife…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies.

[Title Card….. The Essentials with: Robert Osborne]

Robert Osborne: Welcome to The Essentials. I’m Robert Osborne. Tonight we take a journey through one of my favorite genres: the 1970’s Blaxsploitation horror films. There are so many classics from the era: “Blacula”, “The Black Creature from the Black Lagoon”, and of course “The Phantom of the Apollo”. But perhaps one of the most memorable was the 1972 classic “The Bride of Blackenstein”. Let’s take a look.

[Title Card….. Bride of Blackenstein]

Cut To: [An old castle laboratory, with Dr. Blackenstein and his monster]

Dr. Blackenstein: (laughs maniacally) Blackenstein, your my greatest creation! The coolest, baddest, blackest monster on the face of the Earth!

Blackenstein: (raises a fist) Aaaaaargh….

Dr. Blackenstein: And tonight, as I promised, I will give you a bride!

Blackenstein: (happily) Aaaaaaargh…..

Dr. Blackenstein: Igor!

Igor: (limps in) Yes master?

Dr. Blackenstein: It’s tiiiiime to pull the switch for the Bride of Blackenstein, baby!

(Igor flips the switch and Dr Blackenstein pulls off the blanket on the operating table to reveal the beautiful Bride of Blackenstein with the traditional white striped beehive hair. She awakens and gets off the table)

Dr. Blackenstein: It’s alive, it’s aliiive, it’s…. DAAAYUMMM!!!

(Camera zooms on her butt, which is large and shapely. She pops it to the side as thunder claps)

Igor: Ah yes, she is beautiful master. And I’m sure the swelling in her backside will go down soon.

Dr. Blackenstein: Oh-hoooo, it better not! That booty is a masterpiece of modern science!

Igor: So that’s why you had me fill those two basketballs with Jell-O?

Dr. Blackenstein: Double Dribble baby!

(Camera zooms to her butt again and she pops it)

Igor: Yes, so you think people will like that?

Dr. Blackenstein: Like it? They’ll love it. Look at Blackenstein.

Blackenstein: (ogles at the Bride’s rear) Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Man, this monster’s ’bout to get his groove on! (laughs)

The Bride: (full of sass and attitude) Oh no he iiiis not!

Igor: Oh! She-she speaks! She speaks!

Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh, that’s not good.

The Bride: You think you can just walk up on me and get some of this- I mean all of this?

Blackenstein: No no, I-I mean, uh- Aaaargh…..

The Bride: Aaaargh? Don’t you say “aaaargh” to me, I know you can talk! And the first words out you mouth better be “I’m getting a job.”

Dr. Blackenstein: Igor man! Where’d you get that brain?

Igor: From a woman who had just died.

Dr. Blackenstein: What kind of woman?

Igor: She worked at the DMV.

Dr. Blackenstein: (Sighs in exasperation and rolls his eyes) And what about the fingernails?

Igor: From a cashier at Walgreens.

Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the mouth?

Igor: From a ho who didn’t know her place.

Dr. Blackenstein: (offended) Igor!

Igor: Well that’s how she described herself, master!

Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the hair?

The Bride: Excuu-uuuse me? This hair is real!

(The three man back away with their hands up in a placating manner)

Dr. Blackenstein: Okay alright!

Igor: It looks very nice

Blackenstein: Come on, baby. I just need some lovin’ from my bride. (laughs)

The Bride: Bride? Bride? Did you get me an invisible ring? ‘Cuz I don’t see nothin’ on my finger. You don’t know me! I ain’t ever met you! You takin’ me to dinner first or somethin’! Come on now!

Blackenstein: But I had plaaans tonight! I’m goin’ out with Wolfman and the Mummy.

The Bride: That- whoa-that smelly-ass dog person? And old Mr. Bandage. Uh-uh, no way. No way!

Blackenstein: But they my friends, baby!

The Bride: Not no mo’. From now on I’m your friends, and I barely even like you!

Igor: Oh master, I don’t understand! Why doesn’t he just tell her that he is the man and that she should do as he says?

Dr. Blackenstein: You ever been with a sista?

Igor: No.

Dr. Blackenstein: Then you wouldn’t understand.

Igor: I’ve just been with Jewish girls.

Dr. Blackenstein: (amused) Oh, then you kinda understand!

Igor: Yes. (angry sounds come from outside) Oh, master look! Look, there’s an angry mob!

Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh!

Cut To: ( stock footage of a mob entering the castle, then back to the lab)

Igor: We need to hide! Yes, we need to hide the Bride!

The Bride: I’m not hidin’! I’m goin’ out! It’s check day, I got an outfit on, I’m wanna dance baby! Let’s get it!

(the mob enters the lab)

Mob Leader: We know what you’ve been doing in this castle, Blackenstein! And it ends….. DAAAYUMMM!!!

(Camera zooms on her butt again)

Mob Leader: (now speaking in a pimp voice) I think we gonna see some werewolves tonight, cuz that’s a full moon. (laughs lustfully)

Mob Leader’s Wife: What?! What are you looking at?

Mob Leader: Aw, nothin’ baby! (laughs again)

Mob Leader’s Wife: Are you checking out the Bride of Blackenstein’s rear end?!

Mob Leader: Aw, no way baby. You know I like my booty like yours: Flat and shapeless. (laughs)

Mob Leader’s Wife: (happily) Good!

(Camera zooms to the wife’s flat butt, while a sad *Whaaa whaaaaaaa* plays)

The Bride: Excuse, are ya’ll the police, cuz if ya’ll ain’t got a warrant, I need you to get up out of my castle baby, now! Let’s go!

Igor: Her castle?!

Dr. Blackenstein: See what I mean?

(the mob leaves)

The Bride: That’s right. It’s my castle now. And next week, my auntie comin’ to stay with us, and she has a bad foot so she’s gonna need a room by the toilet, okay?

Igor: Master, is an ass like that really worth all this trouble?

Dr. Blackenstein: Oh, it’s worth it. Just look at it!

(Camera zooms on her butt again)

(Funky music starts playing. Dr Blackenstein, The Bride, and Blackenstein get together and sing while Igor claps along to the beat)

Three:
“Bride of Blackenstein
You know that baby got back-enstein
Fall in love with The Briiiide… of Blackenstein!”

Cut To: (The Essentials, Robert Osborne looking thoroughly amused by what he just saw)

Robert Osborne: Yeah…. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the whole movie! Tune in next week for the 1964 Blaxploitation anti-war satire “Dr. Strangefunk or: How I Learned To Stop Being a Jive-Ass Turkey And Love That Juicy Booty”. For The Essentials, I’m Robert Osborne, ya dig?

The End

Submitted by: Jenna Smith

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Skins

MTV Guy…..Andy Samberg
Cassie…..Abby Elliott
Trent…..Jesse Eisenberg
Boy…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: You’re watching MTV. Shut up!

MTV Guy: What’s up, I’m the head of programming at MTV, impressed much? (chuckle) Well, you should be because I’m the genius behind the new sexy teen show, Skins. Now, some people are upset or whatever because we show like a bunch of fourth graders having sex or doing heroin or something. I don’t know I haven’t seen it because I’m bad at my job. Anyway, because of the (finger quotes) controversy and (finger quotes) child porn laws we broke, we lost a lot of sponsors. We lost Foot Locker. We lost Subway Sandwiches; so good. We lost Wrigley, like the field I guess. And we lost L’oreal… You know, French Oreos. Guess what though (he accidentally knocks down his MTV statue and tries not to laugh). So guess what though, we had to get some way worse sponsors (he knocks the statue down again, but this time on purpose.). They couldn’t afford commercials but what they could afford was some sweet product placement, so check it out on Skins.

[Intro to Skins]

Cassie: Cool party. Sexy.

Trent: Yeah. We should probably take our shirts off.

Cassie: Yeah, but first, let’s enjoy this Kennedy Fried Chicken. (she lifts a box of fried chicken).

Trent: Kennedy Fried Chicken? That looks sexy. What’s a bucket like 50 bucks?

Cassie: Try 9 bucks, and that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a steamy biscuit, and some slutty mashed potatoes.

Trent: Woah! All for 9 bucks. That leaves plenty of extra money to buy cocaine.

Cassie: Speaking of which, cool cocaine.

Trent: (he picks up a bag of a powdery substance). Oh, you mean this awesome stuff. This is Jenkins Stank Ass Foot Powder. Got stank ass feet? Reach for Stank Ass Foot Powder. So sexy!

[Another boy enters]

Boy: Hey Cassie! Hey Trent! Should we do a three-way?

Trent: Yeah, but first, where’d you get that cool new car we saw you pull up in?

Boy: Oh, you mean my 2003 Corolla? It’s not new, but it’s as good as new thanks to Waltzer Toyota. (a Waltzer Toyota picture shows up on the screen). Waltzer Toyota. Since 1991. Waltz in with a little money. Waltz out with a fabulous, gently used car.

Trent: Man! Just hearing about used cars makes me hella horny.

[another girl walks down the stairs and enters]

Girl: Hey you underaged hotties! Make that a four-way.

Trent: Woah! You’re hot!

Cassie: Yeah, where’d you get that hot sweater?

Girl: Where else? The Sweater Dump. Near Route 25. It’s where people go to dump their sweaters. So what are we drinking.

Trent: Only the best. Jose Cortez Scented Rubbing Alcohol. Look for the bottle with the cartoon duck on the front. It goes perfect with Clamoto brand clam juice and a lime from the new fruit section at C.P. WANG Bodega. Conveniently located under the on ramp to the Queens-borough Bridge. (a C.P. WANG picture shows up on the screen). C.P. WANG. We sell fruit now.

Cassie: Sexy! We should all have sex.

Girl: Do you have condoms?

Trent: Only the best! Squirrel Maggie’s Squirrel Skin Condoms. (he lifts a box of the condoms). It’s like having sex with a squirrel skin.

Cassie: That sounds great for young vaginas.

Boy: Speaking of young vaginas, have you heard all this stuff about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlisconi?

Cassie: Yeah! It sounds totally bogus.

Boy: It IS bogus, and you can find out the truth at www.berlusconiisinnocente.net.

Trent: Cool.

Girl: This is a cool party.

Cassie: Let’s take our clothes off.

Boy: I’m 12.

[Cut to head of programming at MTV]

MTV Guy: So there it is. Great branding through a transatlantic sewer pipe direct to your children. MTV: the “M” stands for Mehhhhhh!!!!!

[Cut the MTV Sign]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

El Shrinko

Arthur Perkins…..Andy Samberg
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Girl #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Randy…..Jesse Eisenberg
Derek…..Bill Hader

[ open on disclaimer ]

Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement.

[ dissolve to Arthur Perkins seated on couch ]

Arthur Perkins: Oh, hello! [ he stands ] I’m Arthur Perkins. Does this always happen to you?

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: [ reading cue card ] “We CAN’T have sex! It’s too BIG!”

Girl #2: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur, your panis is HUGE! I HATE that!”

Girl #3: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur Perkins… your penis is just too BIG!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: I used to deal with that ALL the time. Girls were constantly telling me it was TOO big!

Randy: [ jumping in ] Yeah! And I’m his friend, Randy, and I have the same problem, too, all the time.

Together: Our penises were TOO BIG!!

Randy: And that’s why we take…

Together: EL SHRINKO!!

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your weiner… because it’s TOO BIG!

Randy: It’s too big!

Arthur Perkins: If you saw our penises right now, you would think they were really small!

[ Randy scoffs ]

Arthur Perkins: Like, tiny! That’s because El Shrinko works FAST! —

Randy: But how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: Not yet!

Randy: Sorry.

Arthur Perkins: REALLY fast!

Randy: But — but how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: You just take the pill like we do, and you’ll go from TOO BIG… [ they measure out with their hands ] to JUST RIGHT! [ they bring their hands closer together ]

Randy: Yeah. Yeah, and that’s what girls prefer. So just ASK them!

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: “I heard Arthur’s penis used to be really big. But then I saw it, and it was really small. It must have shrunk, and I like that!”

Girl #2: [ squinting to read cue card ] “Arthur’s friend Randy shrunk his thingie –” [ laughing ] Wait, what is this for?!

Girl #3: [ eating potato chips ] What’s that? Say it now? [ reading cue card ] “El Shrinkoooo!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: Pretty convincing! Plus, it comes in a discreet bottle that says… [ he picks up large bottle ] El Shrinko! That way, if a girl’s over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she’ll know that your weiner used to be WAY bigger — until you took El Shrinko!

Randy: Yeah! Big weiners are for the birds!

Derek: [ easing in ] Are you guys talking about El Shrinko?

Arthur Perkins: GET OUT OF HERE, DEREK!! GET OUT!!

[ they push Derek off camera ]

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko!

Randy: El Shrinko!

[ cut to the girls, looking bored ]

Girls: El Shrinkooooo!

Girl #3: [ looking up from her potato chips ] El Shrinko.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: El Shrinko. It’s why Arthur’s and Randy’s penises are so small.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Jesse Eisenberg’s Monologue

…..Jesse Eisenberg
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
…..Mark Zuckerberg
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jesse Eisenberg!

Jesse Eisenberg: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a really exciting year for me, I was in “The Social Network.” Thank you very much. And I’m also glad to be here tonight because, you know, in a few movies I’ve played guys who are kind of shy and unassuming and that’s just not me at all, you know, and as you’ll see tonight, I’m… well I’m really cocky, you know. In life, I just, you know I, I own it, you know. When I walk into a room, people are just like “Wow wow watch out, who is that freight train of confidence?”, or not, I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to pretend to be an expert on what other people are thinking, that’s presumptuous of me, sorry, um, anyway although actually one, one thing I am an expert in is women, you know, I, no I do, I know, I know a lot about the ladies, you know, like for example, like I know that every 28 days females will shed their uterine lining, that is, no it’s true, that’s true, so so you know that would be a thing like if I were, if I were out on a date, you know, with a lady, she wouldn’t have to explain that to me, you know, ‘cause I already know it, you know, ‘cause I’m so cocky! Yes, and I can’t wait for the Oscars, you know, I am, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, oh okay, thank you, yes, yes, none of us can wait, and when I get there, I’m going to take Jack Nicholson’s seat in the front row and when he comes over to me I’m just gonna say: “Sorry Jack, you know, here’s Jesse!” No I’m not, I’m not gonna say that, no no, even thinking of saying something like that is kind of, was actually kind of giving me a panic attack right now, you know what, I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, well, misrepresenting people is something you have a lot of practice with.

Jesse Eisenberg: Wow, Mark… Mark Zuckerberg, hey, how are you?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, how am I? I’m bad, okay? You got nominated for an Academy Award for playing me, and what do I get, you know, what do I have to feel good about?

Jesse Eisenberg: Uh-ha, wasn’t Facebook just valued at like 50 billion dollars?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh that’s right, yeah. Well, good luck at your dinky movie award thing. All hail the Zuck! Wooh hoo hoo!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching backstage with the real Mark Zuckerberg ]

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Why can’t I go in there? I’m the real Mark Zuckerberg! Lorne Michaels: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure at least one of those guys is the real Mark Zuckerberg.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No, I am! That guy is like my evil twin and that’s just Andy Samberg. Those guys are such nerds, come on, I invented poking.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, um… you’re better off backstage.

[ return to Home Base ]

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, we’re gonna let you in on the joke, this isn’t Mark Zuckerberg, this is Andy Samberg.

Andy Samberg: Yes, and there you’ve made… and may I say, Jesse, that I loved your Zuckerberg. How’d you do yours?

Jesse Eisenberg: Oh thank you, I just speak in short glib sentences and I keep, you know, my head very still like this, but I love yours actually, so wh-wha-what is your technique?

Andy Samberg: Oh, well, I wear this sweatshirt and I say “I’m Mark Zuckerberg!”

Jesse Eisenberg: Straightforward. And of course, you know, I wasn’t really doing Mark Zuckerberg, you know, I was, I was interpreting a fictional character in a movie script.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: You know Jessee, I don’t know if it came out very well.

Jesse Eisenberg: Hi, thank you for coming here.

Andy Samberg: Wait, have you two not met?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No.

Jesse Eisenberg: No.

Andy Samberg: Awkberg… Well I’ll be going… Samberg out…

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, uh, so…

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: So…

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, yeah, it’s good, I… really, really liked you on “60 Minutes.”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Thanks man, thanks.

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, d’you ever end up seeing, seeing the film, “The Social Network?”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah I did, yeah.

Jesse Eisenberg: Cool, thanks, and uh, and what did you think?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: It was interesting.

Jesse Eisenberg: Interesting, I, you know, I’ll take it, thank you, great. Hey, you know, why don’t we do this together? You go first.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Alright, awesome, cool, we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Nicki Minaj is here.

Jesse Eisenberg: Right, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Don’t Forget the Lyrics

Mark McGrath…..Jason Sudeikis
Kenny Lushing…..Jesse Eisenberg

[ open on show title, as Mark McGrath runs on stage]

Mark McGrath: Okay! Okay! Alright, guys, welcome to “Don’t Forget the Lyrics”! I’m your host, Mark McGrath, and yeah — I do THIS now! [ the audience screams ] I don’t know why! Okay, as always, our audience has been force-fed Mountain Dew and diet pills since FIVE this morning, and they’re ready to rock-and-roll! [ the audience screams ] Alright, let’s bring on today’s contestant! Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Kenny Lushing from Providence, Rhode Island!

[ Kenny rushes out ]

Kenny Lushing: Whoo! YES! I have SEEN this show!

Mark McGrath: Alright! So tell us a little about yourself, Kenny!

Kenny Lushing: Well, Mark, I am 22 years old, I’m a part-time student, and I was JUST fired from Domino’s for reasons of hygeine! WHOO!!

Mark McGrath: Alright! That’s great! That’s great. Well, you know the rules, man: We supply the music, you supply the words. Alright? But when the music cuts out, make sure you DON’T forget the lyrics!

Kenny Lushing: Ooh, that is the PURPOSE of this show! YEAH! I am feeling the WRATH of MCGRATH!!

Mark McGrath: [ stunned by Kenny’s enthusiasm ] Okay. Alright. Our first category is ROCK! And your song choices are: [ as board appears ] “Love in an Elevator” by Aerosmith, and “I Love Rock ‘N Roll” by Joan Jett.

Kenny Lushing: Mark, I’m gonna go with “I Love Rock ‘N Roll”, ’cause I love rocks… and I love rolls!” [ he high-fives audience members ] She knows! She knows over there!

Mark McGrath: Alright, Kenny — “I Love Rock ‘N Roll”, by Joan Jett. And we are looking for ten missing lyrics. Alright, HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Mark McGrath: Alright! Crank her up!

[ Mark steps aside and begins to dance in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“I love rock ‘n roll
So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby!
I love rock ‘n roll –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“So come and kiss a lime you dance machine!”

Whoo!

[ the music stops ]

Mark McGrath: [ stunned ] Wow. Wow, okay. “Come and kiss a lime you dance machine”? Oh. You wanna lock those lyrics in?

Kenny Lushing: Yeah! Let’s lock ’em in!

[ buzz ]

Kenny Lushing: Oh.

Mark McGrath: Yeah. I’m sorry. No, Kenny, the, uh, correct lyrics were: “So come and take the time and dance with me.”

Kenny Lushing: Yeah, yeah… sorry, right. Yeah. You know, I guess I’m just a little nervous!

Mark McGrath: Yeah, it’s understandable, man! This is VH-1, it’s two in the afternoon — it’s all happening!! Hey, but don’t worry because we’re moving onto the next song. You ready, Kenny?

Kenny Lushing: Uh — yeah! Are you ready, Mr. Mark!

Mark McGrath: Hey! I’m under contract! Gotta be ready. Alright, so let’s rock. Our next category is POP. [ reveal board ] Alright, your choices are: “Doctor Doctor” by Robert Palmer, or “Fly” by MY old group Sugar Ray.

Kenny Lushing: Huh. I — I really don’t remember the song “Fly” by Sugar Ray —

Mark McGrath: [ irked ] Oh, really?

Kenny Lushing: Yeah.

Mark McGrath: Oh, THAT’S funny! Yeah, because you know who did remember the song? Uh, the marketing team for Cajun Pringles in 1997. Yeah, they seemed to think it represented the generation, so…

Kenny Lushing: [ he shrugs ] Uhhh — okay! I’m just gonna go with “Doctor Doctor”!

Mark McGrath: The doctor is in — HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Kenny Lushing: This one’s for all the doctors — male and female!

[ Mark steps aside and begins to dance in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“I need you
To soothe my head
And turn my blue
heart to red.
Doctor, doctor give me the news
I got –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“One extra testicle!”

Mark McGrath: I’m sorry! Oh, my God, I’m sorry!

[ buzz ]

Kenny Lushing: Oh, no!

Mark McGrath: Yeah… yeah, no, I’m sorry, Kenny. The lyrics were, uh, “Bad case of loving you.”

Kenny Lushing: I’m sorry!

Mark McGrath: Not, uh — “One extra testicle.” Hey, where did that come from?

Kenny Lushing: I don’t know — from birth.

Mark McGrath: Oh! Oh, sorry.

Kenny Lushing: Yeah. Sorry, um — I think when I get nervous, I just kind of blurt out whatever’s on my mind! It probably happens, like, all the time — right, Bro Man? [ he taps Mark’s shoulder ]

Mark McGrath: No. No, not to me.

Kenny Lushing: Oh.

Mark McGrath: Okay, I’m just gonna go ahead and pick the next song for you. It’s an easy one. This is “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang! You pumped?!

Kenny Lushing: I think so! I think so! Guess I’m ready to celebrate! Yeah, these guys know —

[ Kenny makes to high-five the audience, but Mark stops him ]

Mark McGrath: No! Don’t make — don’t — no, no, no, no! Alright, here we go!

[ the music begins to play ]

[ Mark stands still ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“Celebrate –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“Saddam Hussein!”

No, I’m sorry! That’s not what I believe! I don’t believe that! Can I just please go home?!

Mark McGrath: No — if I can’t, you can’t. Judges?

[ buzz ]

Mark McGrath: Yeah. Big surprise.

Kenny Lushing: Actually, no — I was thinking of a different song!

Mark McGrath: Really? What song?

Kenny Lushing: N-no song, there’s no song —

Mark McGrath: Yeah, I didn’t think there is a song. Okay, we’re gonna move on to the final round. The song is “It’s Not Unusual”, by Tom Jones. Alright? You only need to give us THREE missing lyrics, and I’m gonna tell you right now: They are the TITLE of the song!

Kenny Lushing: Oh. Okay. Yeah, I know it! I think I can do this, Marky Mark!

Mark McGrath: Different guy.

Kenny Lushing: Coolio. Okay. Hey — also, I noticed you stopped dancing during my last song. Are you gonna dance, like, this time?

Mark McGrath: I doubt it, Kenny! No, I really do. [ touches his ear ] Wait, hold on. [ he listens carefully ] Oh. I’m not allowed to stop dancing? Okay. Wait, I’m what? What are you saying? Oh, replaceable. Okay! alright, you got it! Okay! [ to Kenny ] Sorry about that! HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Kenny Lushing: Okay.

[ Mark dances just a bit in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“It’s not unusual –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“To get a boner at the movies.”

Mark McGrath: Okay — stop!

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“It’s not unusual –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“If it was “Toy Story 3″.”

That’s not right, is it?

Mark McGrath: No. No, that’s wrong on a number of levels. But, hey — come back any time, Kenny!

Kenny Lushing: Okay…

Mark McGrath: Come back any time you want, okay? That’s the show! Another day done for Mark McGrath — I make notches in my wall like I’m in a prison! This is VH-1! Good afternoon!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Goodnights

…..Jesse Eisenberg

Jesse Eisenberg: Thank toy so much to Nicki Minaj — and thank you so much to Mark Zuckerberg! I want to thank you so much to the wonderful cast and crew. Happy Birthday, Grandma!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


January 29th, 2011

Jesse Eisenberg

Nicki Minaj

None

Lorne Michaels

Mark Zuckerberg

None

CNN Special EventSummary: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (Kristen Wiig) makes a half-hearted second attempt to respond to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address.

Montage

Jesse Eisenberg’s MonologueSummary: Jesse Eisenberg and Andy Samberg swap tips on how to perform an impression of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg until the real Mark Zuckerberg comes along.

Recurring Characters: Mark Zuckerberg.

Transcript

Once Daily Estro-MaxxSummary: The once-a-day estrogen pill that gives all the sex-changing hormones transgendered men need to become the women they want to be.

Mr. Wizard’s WorldSummary: Mr. Wizard’s (Bill Hader) experiment with balloons and static electricity turns into self-imposed eroticism for two teenagers (Nasim Pedrad, Jesse Eisenberg) discovering their bodies for the first time.

Transcript

Don’t Forget the LyricsSummary: Overexcited contestant (Jesse Eisenberg) frustrates Mark McGrath (Jason Sudeikis) by blurting out inappropriate lyrics.

Transcript

WXPD News New YorkSummary: Elderly reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a college campus.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “The Creep”

Nicki Minaj performs “I Ain’t Thru”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak (Fred Armisen) comments on his country’s problems. Wealthy Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) plans to score an Academy Award nomination by putting Madea in a “Social Network” knock-off.

Recurring Characters: Tyler Perry.

TCM: The EssentialsSummary: Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) introduces the 1970’s blaxploitation classic “The Bride of Blackenstein”, which features a sassy bride (Nicki Minaj) for Dr. Blackenstein’s (Jay Pharoah) cuckolded monster (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.

Transcript

SkinsSummary: To keep advertisers onboard with the controversial teen drama, promiscuous teenagers endorse heavy-handed product placement during an ultra-sexy party.

Transcript

Spa TalkSummary: Tyla Yonders (Kristen Wiig) counsels troubled folks while giving them relaxing spa treatments.

Nicki Minaj performs “Moment 4 Life”

El ShrinkoSummary: Arthur (Andy Samberg) and Randy (Jesse Eisenberg) promote the pill that helped shrink their large penises to a manageable size that the ladies prefer.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts