Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. Last time I hosted, I’d just moved to New York and enrolled as a student at Columbia University. I went back to school because I wanted to do something that was intelligently stimulating, and, as you can see from this TMZ photo, it’s really working out. [ reveal photo of Franco asleep in a classroom ]

It’s been an exciting year for me. I was lucky enough to be in a little movie called “Hope’s Promise” [ he indicates for the audience to grant him applause ] I’m just kidding — t’s not a real movie! [ he laughs ] Unlike last year, I don’t have a movie to promote. But “SNL” doesn’t have an election this year, so we’re all getting by with a little less. Of course, there was a time when I was in movies, but then I took a break to go to college. And now I’m on the soap opera “General Hospital”. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not kidding this time — I’m actually on “General Hospital”. I’ve been on it for the last month. Let’s see a clip!

[ cut to clip ]

Maxie Jones: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.

Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.

[ return to Franco, smiling ]

James Franco: That’s real, I might add!

A lot of people say being on “General Hospital” is a major step backwards, career-wise. You know… people like my family, my agent, the other people on “General Hospital”. But there’s a logic to it. You see, every move I make in my career is part of a strategy I have. [ he looks off-stage ] Could you bring out the bin?

[ a raffle bin, filled with slips, is wheeled in ]

This bin is filled with idea slips that people give me throughout the year when I ask them for career advice. Every year I pick a few idea slips, and then do whatever they say. Like last year, they told me to be on “General Hospital”. Now we’re almost at the new year, so let’s see what 2010 has in store for James Franco!

[ he spins the wheel and pulls out a slip ]

Oh! “Play a dead body on Law and Order.” Well, it’s another step backward… but, it’s in the idea bin, so I guess I’m gonna do it. You see how it works? Okay. Next.

[ he reaches in and pulls out another slip ]

Oh! “Do another Spider-man movie.” Ah! You see, sometimes there are good ones.

[ he reaches in yet again ]

Mmm! “Pick a town in the midwest and have sex with every woman in it.” [ he crumples it up ] I did that one last year! Hagensville, Kansas — what’s up?

[ he reaches in one last time ]

Okay, okay, one more. One more BIG one. Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] This is interesting: Make this the best “SNL” christmas show of all time! [ the audience cheers ] Not a chance!

we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Muse is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Goodnights

…..James Franco

James Franco: Thanks to Muse! Mike Tyson! Jack McBrayer! LAST SHOW OF THE DECADE!!! It was so much fun! Thanks to Lorne Michaels!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

December 19th, 2009

James Franco

Muse

None

Mike Tyson

Jack McBrayer

None

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Rico Garlando (James Franco) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Judice (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk.

Montage

James Franco’s MonologueSummary: James Franco comments on the backwards direction his acting career has taken.

Transcript

What Up With ThatSummary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Jack McBrayer, Mike Tyson, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole.

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, James Franco) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.

Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal with Taylor Lautner.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Kids (Nasim Pedrad, Andy Samberg, Jenny slate, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) on “The Tizzle Wizzle Show” play with knives and take pills with confused guest star James Franco.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks guest Angie (Jenny Slate) through her boyfriend (James Franco) crisis with endless Spanish dancing.

Transcript

Muse performs “Uprising”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the shenanigans of M-TV reality show “Jersey Shore”. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing Christmas songs as though they were making them up on the spot.

Sigma Lambda OmegaSummary: Upon pledging the Sigma Lambda Omega fraternity, freshman initiate (Andy Samberg) realizes that the house brothers (Jason Sudeikis, James Franco, Bobby Moynihan) are illiterate and lacking in basic educational skills.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) attempts to play Secret Santa with Katherine Hepburn (Kristen Wiig), James Dean (James Franco) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Liberace, Katherine Hepburn.

Transcript

Christmas TreesSummary: Christmas tree salesman (James Franco) severs the emotional ties with his merchandise upon each sale.

Muse performs “Starlight”

Christmas Gift MeetingSummary: Business executives Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (James Franco) strain their brains to figure out what gift to give their employees other than dildoes.

Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Christmas AnimalsSummary: Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg) talks to Christmas animals and a snowman.

Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Joseph LiebermanSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) rejects various offers of food.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.

Thomas Peepers InsuranceSummary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day.

Note: This commercial parody will air in the next episode, hosted by Charles Barkley.

Song MemoriesSummary: Group of buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Will Forte, James Franco) share stories while listening to “Glory Days”.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

The FixerSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) is called upon to remove a dead hooker from a man’s (Will Forte) bed.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Traveling with P.J.”: P.J. (Kristen Wiig) travels solo to New York City.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9


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09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Mistress Number 15…..Nasim Pedrad
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Tiger Woods announced on his website yesterday that he is taking an indefinite break from professional golf. Though I’m pretty sure golf wasn’t the problem.

As new reports of his alleged extramarital affairs continue to surface, Gatorade announced this week that it’s dropping its Tiger Woods themed sports drink, while Birds Eye is going forward with its line of Tiger Woods side dishes.

Democrats in the Senate, on Wednesday, reached a tentative compromise on the Health Care bill that would pull out the public option in favor of a private insurance plan. They also pulled out federal funding for abortion coverage, then they pulled out the provision to import drugs from Canada, then they pulled — oh no! Jenga! Health Care Reform Jenga!

Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the UN Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the global warming summit, make sure to cap your emissions.

During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, “I’m the President, but he’s the Boss.” At which point, Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.

Seth Meyers: Earlier today, yet another woman came forward claiming to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, bringing the total number of alleged mistresses to 15. Here with her story, is Mistress Number 15.

Mistress Number 15: Hi, Seth! Hi!

Seth Meyers: Hi, there. So, start at the beginning: How did you get involved with the superstar athlete?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, first of all, Seth, I didn’t even know he was an athlete — I just knew he was super rich. And I didn’t know he was married.

Seth Meyers: But, eventually, you found out he was married?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! But, by then, I also knew he was superfamous, soooo… what was I supposed to do?

Seth Meyers: Not have an affair with him?

Mistress Number 15: Yeahhhhhh, it’s just really hard not to have an affair with someone you’re having sex with. Does that make sense?

Seth Meyers: No… okay…

Mistress Number 15: But, Seth, you also have to understand that it was more than sex.

Seth Meyers: Oh, it was?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! I mean, he would do the most romantic things, Seth. Like, sometimes he would text me. [ she leaves it hanging ]

Seth Meyers: Oh. Is that it? Okay. So, uh, what was your reaction when all those other mistresses were revealed?

Mistress Number 15: Well, at first… I just thought they were me in different outfits and hair. But then I found out they were their own people.

Seth Meyers: Right. And how did you feel when you knew it wasn’t just you?

Mistress Number 15: Uhhhhh, what’s the word for, like, when you’re mad?

Seth Meyers: Mad.

Mistress Number 15: Yeah, that’s it! I was mad! I couldn’t believe he would cheat on me!

Seth Meyers: [ perplexed ] But he was already cheating on his wife with you.

Mistress Number 15: Oh, for sure, sure! But I thought I was special.

Seth Meyers: Why?

Mistress Number 15: Because he was texting me, and — I don’t know — I wear tank tops.

Seth Meyers: You sure do, but why the need to go public?

Mistress Number 15: Well, I just felt like if I waited, I would be known as Mistress 16, or 17 — and, at that point, people would think I was a slut!

Seth Meyers: Mistress Number 15, everyone.

Mistress Number 15: Sure, sure! Sure!

This week, after a performance in England, Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England. “Well, this is weird,” thought both of them.

It was rumored this week that disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is considering a run for state comptroller, though I’m not sure that’s the right job for a guy who obviously can’t “comptroll” himself.

Prosecutors in New York State are trying to block the release from a halfway house of a 100-year-old man who is the state’s oldest registered sex offender. The man was originally sent to jail for molesting a 63-year-old boy.

General Mills announced plans to reduce the amount of sugar in Lucky Charms cereal. They made the decision after Lucky the Leprechaun lost his foot to diabetes.

A company is selling a new device called the Text Hook, which lets parents strap phones to the bars of their strollers so they can text and e-mail while walking their children — into traffic.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, the federal government announced it will pay $3.4 billion to settle Indian trust funds back to 1887. Here now with a unique comic take on the agreement, is Native American comedian Billy Smith.

Billy Smith: Greetings. It is good to be in New York City, the land of square mountains.

Seth Meyers: So, Billy, how do you feel about the settlement?

Billy Smith: I am very happy about this $3.4 billion. Once it has been divided amongst the native american nations, we are all to get a check for $1,000. $1,000? These days, it is not even enough to by a kawahugajusi! [ light laughter ] Kawahugajusi is the yellow resin extracted from the great birch tree. Yellow resin… the great birch tree. It’s gone up in price, is the joke there.

Seth Meyers: I see… I see. Very funny.

Billy Smith: So! Is anyone here married? yes, marriage is difficult. My wife, she said I need to lose weight. I say to her, “If you want me to lose my appetite, just keep preparing more of your watakiputihiti!”

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] What?

Billy Smith: Watakiputihiti — it is a meal made with corn mash and rabbit lips. Corn mash and rabbit — not very tasty. What else? Oh, yes! Money is very tight these days on the reservation. Instead of wearing hand-me-downs, my daughter has to wear handpackanayuta! [ he jumps in Seth’s face ] Handpackanayuta — those are snow shoes made from the quills of a porcupine. [ he laughs ] Not comfortable. Porcupine quills. They exist, by the way. By the way, these joke, they kill on the reservation!

Seth Meyers: I’m sure they do.

Billy Smith: They’re on the floor. What else? What else? What else? Oh, yes. I see this new movie, “Avatar”, is coming out. Did you see that, sir?

Seth Meyers: I did! I did do that!

Billy Smith: Is it me, or is the size of soft drinks becoming too large at the concession stand? I mean, what do I look like, a wahatayuiwaha? [ he holds an open-mouthed pose ] You don’t know the reference, do you?

Seth Meyers: No…

Billy Smith: The swollen gullet of a skunk.

Seth Meyers: Ah!

Billy Smith: A play on words. Well, uh — that’s my time, I’m getting the flame.

Seth Meyers: You’re getting the flame!

Billy Smith: On behalf of all my people, I say to you all: Wakatungamakatingagi!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that sounds beautiful. What does that mean?

Billy Smith: That means I will be performing at the Mohegan Sun, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! Come on down!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s good. Billy Smith, everybody!

An Amish man in Pennsylvania was arrested Friday for driving his buggy while drunk. Police decided to pull him over when they noticed he was weaving. [ image reveals Amish man with quilt ] He’s literally weaving.

A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air.

Researchers, using hidden cameras to study what cats do when they’re home alone, say they spend 22% of their time looking out of windows and 6% sleeping. The rest of the time they’re trying on your clothes and checking your e-mail.

A German man was arrested this week while trying to leave New Zealand with 23 geckos hidden in his underwear. Security guards became suspicious when the man’s underwear told them that ten minutes could save them 10% or more on car insurance.

Gisele Bundchen, on Tuesday, gave birth to a son with husband Tom Brady. And, as always, Randy Moss was there to make the catch.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Twilight Debate

Mr. Armstrong…..Bill Hader
Ellie…..Jenny Slate
Mariana…..Taylor Lautner
Female Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Student #1……Andy Samberg
Male Student #2……Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, science lab ]

Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.

Ellie: [ wearing a “Team Jacob” t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there’s a problem. I don’t have a lab partner.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s impossible, Ellie. There’s an even number of people in this class.

Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Ellie: You know why not.

[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]

Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don’t be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.

Mariana: Um — I don’t want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.

Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he’s loyal and he wouldn’t just leave you and break your heart.

Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!

Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!

Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!

Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you’ll have to work together.

Ellie: Well, If we’re going to have to work together, then we’re going to need a truce.

Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?

Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?

Mariana: Fine. What’s the truce?

Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.

Mariana: No! Edward is — Edward is a BOY!!

Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess’ tiara?!

Mr. Armstrong: All right! That’s enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Then I’m left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class… and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.

[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]

Female Student: Couldn’t you just send them to the principal?

Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?

Mr. Armstrong: Because I’m a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.

Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] “i don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” I knew we’d be together.

Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I’m sorry. Does she think she’s going to end up with the fictional vampire from “Twilight”?

Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ]

[ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]

Ellie: Hey… what have I told you, Marianna..?

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?

Mariana: [ she stops ] I’m sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s right. Ellie?

Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in “New Moon,” I saw those changes, and I was like, “Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach.”

Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!

Ellie: These are not fake abs.

Mariana: They are, too, fake! They’re CGI, just like the wolf.

Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.

Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.

Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then “Twilight” changed everything. I mean, can’t you get past your differences?

Ellie: I wish we could, but I can’t connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.

Mariana: Yeah! And I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn’t deserve either one of them.

Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.

Mariana: You do?

Ellie: Totally!

Mariana: Oh… my… goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?

Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.

Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh!

[ they return to their lab table ]

Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?

[ no response ]

Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So — biology!

[ cut to exterior, high school ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

PGA Tour III

Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]

Tim Finchem: [ singing ] “It’s the eye of the tiger…” The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um — the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look — I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce… the letter “Q”… and, uh — and seltzer! If you’re looking for bubbles, you’re looking for seltzer! It’s great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying — that saying that “Any publicity is good publicity”? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he’s a LIAR!!

[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]

Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we’ve got Steve Elkington… and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson… and there’s a dude named Whitey Whiterson… and “Trust Fund” Jones III. You know — just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we’ve literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!

[ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

PGA Tour II

Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis
Executive…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, another message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, sans jacket, seated at booth ]

Tim Finchem: Hey, Tim Finchem, Commissioner. First of all, I really want to thank our new sponsors uh — the Madoff Investment Group… Major League Soccer… a-and the movie “Old Dogs”. We’re really happy to have you guys on the PGA team.

Uh, you know, without Tiger, some say the PGA Tour lacks diversity. And that’s not — that’s not true! I mean, we’ve still got plenty of diversity! Like Vijay Singh… uh… or Miguel Angel Jimenez. Right? I mean, those guys aren’t gonna cheat on anyone! And you know what? We — we — we even, uh, have an, uh, African golfer! Nick Price! He’s from Zimbabwe, and that counts! That counts! Alright? And, hey — tiger Woods was half Asian, okay? You know what? How about a FULL Asian? Like Shigeki Maruyama… or Y.E. Yang? Huh? Yeah, more like Y-E-S! [ he laughs ] Yeah! And, you know, we’re also working on finding the second best black golfer! I mean, you know, there are currently none on the tour right now, or on the Minor League tour, but we’re planning to take a page from the hit movie “Blind Side” and, uh, you know, we’re just drive through the poor neighborhoods until we find a big guy walking through the rain! Just — I don’t know — swinging a stick or something. [ he starts to lose it ] Oh, gosh…

[ he reaches down for his flask and takes another huge swig ]

Tim Finchem: Whoo! Oh!! And new rules! We got a bunch of new rules! Okay? For example: if you hit a slice, you get hit by Kimbo Slice, the USC fighter. Not bad, right? And we’re gonna to have bigger and badder hazards… Oh! And whoever has the worst score has to appear on an episode of “Jersey Shore”. And, of course, we’re gonna have sexy caddies! [ he smiles, but then has second thoughts ] You know what? You know what, that might be a bad idea. Okay, forget the sexy caddies — no sexy caddies!

[ the executive returns to tear down the new sponsor cards ]

Tim Finchem: So, the point is, we’ll — we’ll be fine. We’re gonna be fine. The PGA Tour! I mean, what else are you gonna do? You know? Talk to your wife? I — [ he holds up his flask ][ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

PGA Tour I

Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis
Executive…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem seated at booth ]

Tim Finchem: Hi there. I’m Tim Finchem, Commissioner of the PGA Tour. Yesterday, we got some interesting news: Tiger woods announced that he was taking an “indefinite break” from golf. Indefinite. [ he laughs nervously ] And that’s okay. You know, we’re going to be fine. People don’t just watch golf because of him. I mean, we’ve still got plenty of other superstars. You know? Exciting household names like Geoff Ogilvy. Boo-yah! [ he laughs ] Trevor Immelman. Can you handle the Immelman? Whoo! [ he laughs ] And, look out! Uh-oh! Tim “Lumpy” Hearn’s in the house. Watch out for Lumpy!

[ he chuckles nervously, then reaches down for a flask and pours the alcohol down his throat ]

Tim Finchem: Watch out for Lumpy…

[ he laughs nervously, then returns the flask ]

Tim Finchem: Hey! And if you love tiger’s famous fist pump, well, then, you know what? You’re just going to love Justin Leonard’s tip of the cap! [ mimicking ] Good day to you, sir! So, yeah, you know, I-I-I think the PGA Tour will be just fine without Tiger Woods. And you know what? The sponsors? Well, they are excited, too.

[ behind him, an executive removes the sponsor cards from the wall ]

Tim Finchem: The PGA tour. No Tiger, no problem!

[ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Taylor Lautner’s Monologue

…..Taylor Lautner
Reba McIntire…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Kanye West…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Lautner!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you! Thank you, guys. [ he laughs ] Thank you so much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I, uh, remember when “SNL” first started. I was -18 at the time. And I said to the other babies in heaven, “Just you wait — one day, I’m going to host that show.” And they said, “Wow! You’re going to be a comedian?” And I said, “No — I’m going to be a werewolf.”

It’s been a really big year for me. I was in a movie called “New Moon” [ the audience cheers ] I also took my shirt off a lot. [ the sycophantic teenage girls in the audience yell “Whoo-oo!” ] Too much, in fact. Even Matthew McConaughey told me to cool it. You know, we got a problem.

Now, before we start the show, there’s a lot of rumors out there about me being romantically linked to a certain country singer? And I wanted to take a moment to address that: Reba and I are just friends.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving Lautner a nod and a wink ]

Taylor Lautner: With benefits, of course! [ he laughs ] I’ve also become close with a singer named Taylor Swift. [ the audience screams ] You know, I was actually at the VMAs the night she won the award for Best Video, when Kanye West interrupted her speech. I was actually up on stage with her when that happened, and, as you can see, I really stood up for her.

[ cut to the tape, Kanye West on stage with a shell-shocked Taylor Swift ]

Kanye West: Yo, Taylor! I’m really happy for you, I’m going to let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL time!

[ arrows point at Lautner in the background, nonchalantly keeping his eyes turned from the disruption ]

[ return to the monologue ]

Taylor Lautner: I know. I mean, I guess I could have done a little more. But what I really wanted to do that night… was this.

[ Lautner removes his jacket and stands between two mannequins with faces to look like Kanye West and Taylor Swift ]

[ Lautner backflips in the style of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, then takes a step toward Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Taylor! What seems to be the problem here?

Voice of Taylor Swift: That man was MEAN to me!

Taylor Lautner: Stand aside, honey — I’ll handle this.

[ Lautner crosses over to the Kanye West mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Hey! I said, hey! That’s right, I’m talking to you! Not so tough now, are you, Kanye West? It just so happens… you messed with the wrong Taylors.

Voice of Kanye West: Oh, really?

Taylor Lautner: Really. [ he strikes a few karate poses, does a handstand and another backflip ] Bow staff!

[ a bow staff is tossed to Lautner, as he begins to twirl it in a menacing manner before tossing it offstage ]

Voice of Kanye West: Uh-oh!

[ Lautner strikes a few more karate poses, then makes two attempts to jump-kick Kanye West in the head. Failing that, he settles for simply smacking his head off with his fist. ]

Taylor Lautner: I’m real sorry! I’m sorry, Kanye. I didn’t mean to knock your head off there.

[ Lautner replaces Kanye West’s head on the mannequin ]

Voice of Kanye West: Thank you for putting my head back on. I apologize to you and this lovely young lady.

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. I, uh — I accept your apology.

[ Lautner steps back toward the Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Voice of Taylor Swift: You are the bravest man I’ve ever known!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. [ he leans in to kiss Swift, then stops himself ] I’m sorry! I can’t! My heart belongs to someone else.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving another nod of approval to Lautner ]

Taylor Lautner: [ flirting ] Hey, Reba. [ he blows her a kiss, then returns to center stage ] Thank you, guys! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bon jovi is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Goodnights

……Taylor Lautner

[ memorial card: “Heino Ripp, SNL 1975-1983” ]

[ fade to black and fade up on the Goodnights ]

Taylor Lautner: Thank you so much, everyone. I had an amazing week. I want to thank the cast, the crew, Lorne Michaels and everybody for having me. And let’s hear it ONE MORE TIME for Bon Jovi!

[ everyone claps and cheers as though Bon Jovi is going to run over to the musical guest stage and perform a third song, but they just stand there to join in for the hugging everybody goodnight as the credits scroll upward ]

SNL Transcripts