Vocie of Bambi…..Amy Poehler Voice of Thumper…..David Spade …..Jared Fogel
Announcer: The beloved Disney classic is going away.
[ stock footage of Bambi’s mom being shot ]
Announcer: Walt Disney’s “Bambi” is going into the Disney vault for ten years, depriving your child or future children of this significant emotional milestone.
[ stock footage of Bambi’s mom being shot ]
Announcer: After May 27th, “Bambi” will be taken out of stores, placed in a security box, and frozen next to Walt Disney’s head. But there’s more news!
Announcer: On the heels of “Peter Pan: Return To Never Never Land”, “Cinderella II”, “Lady & The Tramp II”, and “Pokahotass”, Disney presents.. “Bambi 2002”.
[ footage shows Bambi talking to bandage-wrapped Mom ]
Bambi: Mother! You’re okay!
Bambi’s Mother: [ chuckling ] It’s just a leg wound, Son.
[ Bambi dodges hunter’s bullet a la “The Matrix” ]
Announcer: Bambi and the gang are back in business, and the forest has never been more fun.
Bambi: [ rapping ] “I’m rappin’ Bambi I’m here to say I’m the breakfast of the forest every day! I’ve got Flower, and Thumper by my side And I know how to kick!”
[ show Bambi and friends kicking on Osama bin Laden ]
Announcer: With high-powered Disney action!
Forest Animals: USA!! USA!! USA!!
Announcer: And all new hilarious Disney outtakes.
Bambi: We’ve got to find Thumper in the brair patch.. briar patch! Oh f–k this bulls–t!
Announcer: With David Spade as the sassy new Thumper!
Thumper: Yeah-ha-ha! Spin Thumper, and we’ll see! [ jumps into hole ]
Announcer: And Jared from the subway ads!
[ Jared and a bird hold out his fat pants in front of Bambi ]
Jared: Bambi, if I can lose weight.. you can get those terrorists!
[ show Bambi superimposed over a Yankees game ]
Announcer: Plus, the New York Yankees!
Bambi: Good work, guys! Let’s go!
[ show Bambi superimposed over a Miss Cleo commercial ]
Announcer: Walt Disney’s “Bambi 2002”! Rushed out in time for summer, with all the excitement you could ask for from the Disney sequel and the Disney animators, under the circumstances.
[ show Bambi cartoon image with human lip cutout speaking ]
Bambi: Boy, oh boy! Who’s gonna protect the forest from all these weapons!
Announcer: It’s all the Bambi you’ll get for ten years! “Bambi 2002”!
[ show Bambi’s Mom being handled by masseuse ]
Bambi: Come on, Mom! Do your exercises!
Announcer: Available on Disney DVD for only 48 hours – then all master tapes, cels and drawings will be destroyed, as if it never happened. Get it.
Ms. Petite…..Ana Gasteyer Professor…..Ian McKellen Admiral…..Seth Meyers Madame Calloway…..Amy Poehler Lady Montbank…..Rachel Dratch Duchess Lemontagne…..Maya Rudolph Dr. Steven Beckham…..Chris Parnell Officer…..Dean Edwards Judge Berlinsen…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: We now return to the conclusion of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.
[ dissolve to the hot air balloon, as its occupants seem distressed over something that happened earlier ]
Ms. Petite: This case shall never be solved! Judge Berlinsen was murdered two hours ago! Surely, by now, the killer has fled the scene.
[ Professor rises up from the floor of the balloon ]
Professor: On the contrary, my dear Ms. Petite. I believe the killer is still in this very hot air balloon basket!
[ the group is stunned by the realization that a killer is still among them ]
Admiral: How do you know, Professor?
Professor: In due time, Admiral. But, first, let’s look at the facts.. [ to Lady ] ..if you will, uh.. just excuse me.
Madame Calloway: Oh, yes, why of course!
Professor: Let’s just examine the evidence. First! We know the shot was fired at extremely close range.
Lady Montbank: How can you tell?
Professor: Well.. the exit wound indicates a blast-point of no more than two meters. In addition, we are in a hot air balloon. Hmm?
Madame Calloway: Agreed. But who fired the gun?
Professor: Oh, my dear Madame Calloway.. it’s simple! Think back to where we all were when we heard the shot. I was.. here! [ points ] The Admiral was over there! [ points ] Lady Montbank was here! [ points ] Ms. Petite was here! [ points ] Duchess Lemontagne was there! [ points ] And Madame Caraway was, of course, here! Whoever killed Judge Berlinsen had to have been… [ points ] ..there!
Duchess Lemontagne: Why, the only person who could have been standing there was-
Professor: That’s right! Dr. Steven Beckham!
[ everyone gasps at the amazing deduction ]
Dr. Steven Beckham: Well, that’s preposterous! When the shot was fired, I was nowhere nearthat part of the hot air balloon basket!
Professor: Oh, were you? I believe you had ample time to make the journey from that part of the basket.. to that part of the basket! Here’s what I believe happened..
[ dissolve to earlier in the balloon, everyone show in their earlier positions within the basket ]
Professor V/O: I think you waited until we were enjoying the view, moved over to Berlinsen, and shot him in the heart..
[ Dr. Steven Beckham wanders over to Judge Berlinsen unnoticed, and shoots him in the heart, then casually saunters to the back of the basket ]
Professor V/O: ..Then you walked calmy back to your part of the basket..
[ dissolve back to the current scene aboard the balloon ]
Professor V/O: ..As if nothing had happened.
Dr. Steven Beckham: [ laughing ] Oh-ho, absurd!
Professor: Really? If you never left that part of the basket, perhaps you can explain why I found your monogrammed hankerchief waaay over here, at the sight of the murder!!
[ music sting, as everyone expressed shock at the facts presented ]
Professor: The jig is up, Beckham!
Dr. Steven Beckham: Al-right! [ holds up gun ] I did it! I hated Berlinsen, and I killed him! But none of you will be around long enough to tell anyone!
Professor: Not so fast, Beckham! [ swats at Beckham’s gun with his pipe, knocking the gun to the floor ] Give up, Beckham! You’ve no weapon.. and we are in a hot air balloon! You’re under arrest!
Dr. Steven Beckham: But you’ll have to catch me first, Professor!
Professor: Stop that man!
[ Dr. Steven Beckham starts running in circles around the hot air balloon basket, slipping between everyone on board as they frantically yell “Catch him Catch him!” ]
Professor: I’ve.. got you!
Dr. Steven Beckham: Oh no, you haven’t!
[ Dr. Steven Beckham continues to run amok in the balloon, finally seized by the Professor as he attempts to sneak behind Madame Calloway ]
Professor: It’s over, Beckham.
Dr. Steven Beckham: [ defeated ] Blast! I thought for sure you’d never figure it out!
Professor: That was your first mistake – and your last!
Officer: [ rises up from the floor of the balloon ] Well done, Professor! It’s off to Newgate with you, scoundrel!
Admiral: Professor, I don’t know how to thank you!
Professor: It’s all a day’s work, my friends. And, now, I’m afraid I must be off. I have other wrongs to right! On other hot air balloon flights! Farewell!
[ Professor jumps out of the balloon, screaming as everyone talks amongst themselves ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Annoucer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello. Im Jimmy Fallon
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharone arrived in Washington on Sunday Night to give President Bush a 91 page book proving that Yassa Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say Bush has the book, and is almost done colouring it. According to a University of Michagon studies, the March 2000 Today Show broadcast of Katie Kirks colanoscapy prompted many Americans to undergo the test themselves. However, mourning TV viewers were actually more curious to see what’s up Bryant Gumbel’s ass.
Bostons arch diacies announced they will be selling Church properties to raise money for the settlement of sex abuse cases. Theyll start by selling alter boy robes, which are currently half off.
NBC announced this week that they will be producing a 3 hour TV movie based on the life of Rudolph Giuliani. To keep the movie real to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikeable until the last 15 minutes when everyone loves him.
The woman that had accused singer James Brown of sexual harrassment is seeking a new trial in her 2 million dollar law suit. Undetered, Brown used this hand and mouth signal to make a settlement to the plantiff. (Picture is of James Brown doing the obscure hand and mouth gesture to indicate a blowjob)
KNOCK SOUND AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DOOR Tina Fey: What is that?
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someones at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Ill see who it is.
OPENS DOOR, NICKI AND PARIS HILTON WALK IN Tina Fey: Oh hi. Its New York socialites and Maxim covergirls Nicki and Paris Hilton. Hi ladies.
Jimmy Fallon: What have you girls been up to?
Paris Hilton: Oh, you know, partying, making the scene with digi, and hitting the clubs of Southbeach with our signature style.
Nicki Hilton: Also, I just finished 7th grade.
Tina Fey: Well, whats next for you guys?
Nicki Hilton: Im gonna do some partying. And some progressive tanning, try to get down to my summertime weight.
PARIS FALLS OVER
Tina Fey: Paris fell over.
Jimmy Fallon: Paris fell over, yeah
Tina Fey: Paris get up! Stick your boob– Put your boob back in your shirt Paris. Real good.
NICKIS HAND REMAINS ON PARISS BOOB AS THEY GET UP. SHE LETS GO WHEN TINA STARTS TALKING
Tina Fey: Ok, well thanks for coming by, but we have to get back to work now.
Paris Hilton: We know.
Both (Nicki & Paris): Bye. (They leave)
Jimmy Fallon: The Hilton sisters everybody.
Tina Fey: Bye Hilton sisters. Theyre really lovely.
On Thursday, Rhode Islands senate passed a bill to issue liscence plates honouring the 50th birthday of Mr. Potato Head. Then on Friday, Rhode Island state unanamously passed a bill prohibiting them from passing bills when everyone is drunk.
A federal judge ruled that nude pictures in Junes Penthouse magazine and not of tennis star Anna Kournikova as advertised. Also, it turns out that the 2 viking girls going at in on page 93 are not real vikings.
Jimmy Fallon: Really?
Tina Fey: Theyre not.
Jimmy Fallon: This week a British man was arrewsted after running naked in front of a motor cade carrying Queen Elizabeth. Here now with a terrible reenacment of that event is our own Chris Kattan.
Chris Kattan: (Dressed as Queen Elizabeth) Hello my loyal subjects. (Walks off screen)
HE STREAKS BACK AND FORWARD OFF THE SCREEN. Chris Kattan: (As queen again) Oh, Im scandalised. (Falls over)
Tina Fey: Truely terrible re-enacment.
Commenting on his love life this week, Mike Tyson has blamed the press saying they have quote Written so much bad stuff about me, I cant remember the last time I -BLEEPED- a decent woman. I have to -BLEEP- strippers and whores and -BLEEP- because you put that image on me. Michael, Michael… You had me at -BLEEP-.
This week in Balagraid, the Serbian version of Who Wants to ba a Millionaire? made its debut. There were no survivors.
Last week Robert Blake asked the judge for more time with his lawyers, claiming he almost cant read because of severe dislexia. That explains why he shot his wife, and then went to get a gun in the restaurant.
Jimmy Fallon: I guess, is that right?
The world health orginisation has officially declared that the Ebola outbreak in Gabon, Africa, which killed over 50 people, has ended. So feel free to go ahead and take that trip to Gabon, a country that for now is not experiencing an Ebola outbreak.
Jimmy Fallon: Here now with some celebrity gossip, is our own Chris Parnell, everybody.
Chris Parnell: Well, the it girl of the moment, the person everyone is talking about is our host tonight, Miss Kirsten Dunst. People want to know, who is she dating? Is there a special man in her life? Well… arggg, Kirsten dont hate me for this, but I just have to say it. Ummm.. Kirsten Dunst and I, Chris Parnell have been dating for the last 3 years. Yeah, she’s amazing. Weve just been hanging out in L.A and having a really good time.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, that’s news to me.
Tina Fey: Yeah, Chris this is news to all of us. Really hard to believe news.
Chris Parnell: Well, she’s a very private person and she probably wont admit to any of this. But, umm, we love each other very much, and it might sound corny, but to celebrate our love, I wrote a song about our life together. So Kirsten, this is for you.
Yo Yo Yo Listen up! This is a true love song! Uh huh Uh huh Ever since the day I was born I’ve been looking for a ho’ that I could call my own. A beautiful dream I’s just waiting to be shown. And then God-o-mighty throws me a mother f ‘ ing bone. One day she knocked on my door and like a suicidal virgin laid down on the floor. She said “Sweet C.P. please take me, I’m yours!” But then the bitch passed out and she started to snore. Turns out she got some bad “E” but then I woke her up and showed her true ecstasy. And before she went blind I said “girl get off of me!” But she said “I’m enjoying my ride, cant you see?” I got my Kirsten D a million G’s Fly 23’s, Mercedes E’s Penthouse parties, Prada Tee’s and a chris-craft 43 to sail the seven seas Just livin it up on the West side Everybodys just chillin pool side While my rhymes are going world wide, K.D and me are gonna do some slip ‘n slide. In the morning, I went for a run and when i got got home she was lying in the sun. Naked like a statue, the goddess of fun. And she removed my shorts, my shoes, and my gun. Then suddenly, from out of the blue, the shots ran out from behind the bamboo. So I went crazy like Shaka ZuLu I grabbed my gat and put the mother f ‘ ing heat on those fools. What is this crap? Have I been capped? Could this be true..my life is through? Its just a nick, I must be quick, Kirsten get into the pool. Ten mintues later the clowns were all dead So I buried them all in the big flower bed I apologized to Kirsten for all the blood shed. She just smiled and took me back to bed. I got my Kirsten D a million G’s Fly 23’s, Mercedes E’s, Penthouse parties, Prada Tees, and a Chriscraft 43 to sail the seven seas Just livin it up on the west side Everybodys just chillin pool side While my rhymes are going world wide K.D and me are gonna do some slip and slide.
Chris Parnell: Yeah, thank you. I know it sounds crazy, but thats our life!!
Kirsten Dunst: Chris.
Chris Parnell: Oh, hi Kirsten.
Kirsten Dunst: What are you doing?
Chris Parnell: Honey, nows not the time.
Kirsten Dunst: OK, everybody, for the record, I met Chris Parnell 6 days ago. We have never dated, and we certainly have not been having sex in his pool or fighting gun battles. Im sorry, Jimmy, Tina, Im really sorry.
Tina Fey: No, Im sorry, I apologise.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, were sorry together. Sorry about that Kirsten.
Kirsten Dunst: Bye.
Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know, shes uncomfortable talking about us, shes very private.
Kirsten Dunst: CHRIS!!! CHRIS!!
Chris Parnell: It was all a lie.
Jimmy Fallon: Chris Parnell everybody!! For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Tom Ridge: Good evening. I’m Tom Ridge. Nearly six months ago, President Bush asked me to organize and lead a new federal agency, the Office of Homeland Security. Since that time, many of you have probably wondered just what this agency has been up to and what, if anything, we are doing to prevent terrorist attacks within our borders.
Tonight, I’m proud to unveil my agency’s new weapon in the War on Terror: the Homeland Security advisory system. It’s a simple five level system, which uses color codes to indicate varying levels of terrorist threat. The lowest level of threat is condition OFF-WHITE, followed by CREAM, PUTTY, BONE and finally NATURAL. It is essential that every American learns to recognize and distinguish these colors. Failure to do so could cost you your life. For those who may have questions, an excellent guide will be found on page 74 of the spring J. Crew catalogue.
Now, what precisely do these threat levels indicate? Condition OFF-WHITE, the lowest level, indicates a huge risk of terrorist attack. Next highest, condition CREAM: an immense risk of terrorist attack. Condition PUTTY: an enormous risk of terrorist attack. Condition BONE: a gigantic risk of terrorist attack. And finally, the most serious, condition NATURAL: an enormous risk of terrorist attack.
Many of you probably noticed that in the preceding chart, we used the term “Enormous risk of terrorist attack” twice. This was a mistake we didn’t catch in time and we’re trying to fix it.
So, there you have it. The Homeland Security advisory system. This took you six months, you might ask? Well, not exactly. We lost the first few weeks with moving back to D.C., finding office space, working out the phones, etc. Also, remember: I just missed being named Vice-President. Instead, I got this as a consolation prize. And you have to admit, it’s a pretty thankless job. So, perhaps in the first few months, there may have been some bitterness on my part that affected my job performance. But not anymore. Since Christmas, I have been totally happy and committed. One last point, at my request and effective immediately, the President has placed the nation on Condition TAUPE. More on that in the weeks and months ahead.
Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Billy Bob Thornton Sling Blade Impersonator #1 Darrell Hammond Sling Blade Impersonator #2 Jimmy Fallon Sling Blade Impersonator #3 Dean Edwards Father Steve Higgins Daughter Amy Poehler Ashton Kutcher Audience Member Maya Rudolph
Billy Bob Thornton: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so very much. Alright then. Wow! Cool, Im really happy to be here tonight, you know thereve been a lot of crazy rumours about me lately. They say a lot of stuff about me in the papers like I only eat orange food and I live in a dungeon and drink blood and all that sort of stuff so right now before we get started lets just address all these rumours right now since I get a few minutes to talk to ya so uh, I figured this was a good a time as any to do this so any questions you may have, lets just do it. Yes?
Sling Blade Impersonator #1: Some folks call it a sling blade I call it a cuttin blade. Mmm Hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Thats great, thats really great. That would be a Sling Blade impression, wouldnt it? Yeah so, uh, thats really terrific.
Sling Blade Impersonator #1: Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Thats of course a movie I did, uh haha, Wonderful. Thats a movie Im really proud of; it was a big step in my career. Ive done a lot of other thing since, a lot of other movies Im really proud of and, uh Yes sir?
Sling Blade Impersonator #2: Mmm hmm. I like them French fried potaters. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: OK look guys see, that movies several years old and Ive done a lot of other movies since then so maybe youd like to talk about something more recent. Yes sir?
Sling Blade Impersonator #2: I like the way you talk. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah thats fine thanks. Jimmy you already had your little thing ok?
[Jimmy gives thumbs up]
Billy Bob Thornton: Can we yes?
Sling Blade Impersonator #3: Mmm hmm. You ought not kill my little brother. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah thats really thats very funny Tracy. Very, very funny
Sling Blade Impersonator #3: [slipping out of character] Im not Tracy, Im Dean Edwards. One of the new guys.
Billy Bob Thornton: Well you should really know better than that. And besides, just so you know, there are no black hillbillies. Look, doing Sling Blade impressions, its really tired. Doesnt anybody have a question about something that matters, something more current? Yes?
Father: Yes, my daughter has a question for you if thats alright.
Billy Bob Thornton: Oh excellent, sure! Hi, honey.
Daughter: [speaks in Sling Blade-esque voice] Mmm hmm. I saw you in that movie you was in, Pushing Tin. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: I said thats enough. No more stupid Sling Blade impressions! OK? I mean that.
Father: How dare you! Thats her real voice.
Daughter: [begins to cry] Daddy, why is Billy Bob Thornton making fun of me? Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Im really sorry, sweetheart. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings or anything. I mean, how was I to know? Im really, really sorry. Yes, what is it? Yes?
Ashton Kutcher: Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a cuttin blade. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Youre not even a cast member. Who are you?
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, Im Ashton Kutcher from “That 70’s Show.” I just, I had tickets so [sits down, embarrassed]
Billy Bob Thornton: You know, thats really sad. Look, I mean, people, when I made Sling Blade it was a film that mean a lot to me. I mean, how do you think it feels to create something that means a lot to you and then you find out theyre selling plastic Sling Blade teeth at Spencers Gifts? Its really not fun. So please if anybody has anything to say or ask me that matters, just please Yes?
Audience Member: Hey Billy Bob, youre married to Angelina Jolie, right?
Billy Bob Thornton: Yes, thats true, yes.
Audience Member: Do you ever wake up in the morning and turn to her and say [in Sling Blade voice] Give me some of them French fried potaters, Angelina Jolie, and mustard sauce! Mmm hmmm!
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah, thats what I do. I wake up every morning and talk about biscuits and mustard and French fried potaters, yes sir. Anyway we got a great show here, thanks for being here. Creed is here! [Audience applauds] And, evidently, French fried potaters are here as well so stick around, well be right back.
Martha Stewart: Succulent turkey, fluffy mashed potatoes, and savory chestnut dressing. I’m Martha Stewart. This year’s Thanksgiving will be particularly meaningful for all red-blooded, properly documented Americans. Tomorrow on “Living”, I’ll show you how to prepare the perfect harvest feast that combines all the culinary traditions of Thanksgiving with all the pageantry and patriotism of Independence Day. Frankly, the idea of these two holidays rolled into one gives me a giant Martha Boner.
I found these gorgeous antique linen serviettes in my China closet, and embroidered them myself with inspirational sayings, like.. [ holds up serviettes ] ..”God Bless America”, “These Colors Don’t Run”, and “Suck It, Osama!” They really are a charming addition to any Thanksgiving place setting.
Also, my friend Clementine Bryberg will be here to show us how to fashion your tradiotional candied yams into an inspirational bust of Vice-President Dick Cheney. [ holds up dish ] I promise you, these yams are as thick and creamy as the real Dick Cheney.
And don’t be afraid to put a patriotic spin on your main course. For example, instead of my usual roast turkey, this year I’ve prepared a juicy 50-pound bald eagle. [ holds up bald eagle platter ] It’s undeniably American, and everyone round your table will be vying for an ample drumstick.
And, in these challenging times, it’s important to remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves. [ holds up packages ] These charming relief packages are sure to delight any Afghan refugee. Just choose a French enamel lunch pail out of your French enamelwear collection, and stock it with necessities. I’ve filled mine with sashets of dry lavender from my herb garden. For the children, a blown glass ornament to make their Christmas special. And, most importantly, some beautiful hand-milled paper so they can write a thank-you note. Garnish the pail with some patriotic ribbon, and these goodies make a charming package to drop on the heads on our frienamies.
So join me tomorrow on “Living”, when we prepare a Thanksgiving for a new reality. And, as a special burn on the Taliban, I’ll wear a bikini top and eat a hot pork sandwich, while I dance to Britney Spears. Freedom. It’s a good thing.
Employee #1…..Rachel Dratch Employee #2…..Jeff Richards Employee #3…..Chris Kattan Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon Nick’s Dad…..Billy Bob Thornton
Employee #1: Dammit! I can’t print this file! Has anybody seen the computer guy, I paged him like five times!
Employee #2: Who? Nick Burns? I called about twenty minutes ago, and he told me to go soak my head.
Employee #3: I don’t like that guy.
Employee #1: Well, where is he? Every time I try to print this file, the computer shuts down due to insufficiant memory!
Nick Burns: [ entering ] Maybe the computer shuts down ’cause you have 32 megabytes of RAM and you’re trying to run a program that takes 128 to function smoothly, X-Lax!
Jingle: “Nick, the computer guy, he’ll fix you’re computer, and then he’s gonna make fun of you, cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Okay, okay, who 9-1-1ed my pagers? I was trying to have lunch with my dad. Sorry about this, Pop, it shouldn’t take long.
Nick’s Dad: [ enters ] Oh, don’t worry, son. I always wanted to see where they train for the Special Olympics!
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Good one, dad! Okay, what’s up, geniuses? [ they all start talking at once ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t install dual-processors in my brain! Okay, one at a time.
Employee #1: Okay, well, I’m the one who paged you.
Nick Burns: Okay, well, what’s the emergency?
Employee #1: Um.. there’s not enough memory to print, and I need a hard copy so I can get out of here early.
Nick Burns: Oh, that is an emergency! Gee, we’d better hurry up so you can get home to eat Snackwells and talk to your cats.
Nick’s Dad: [ laughing ] That’s a good one, son!
Nick Burns: Thanks, Dad.
Nick’s Dad: It reminds me of a saying we had in the 70’s – you sohuld try reading your manuals instead of sitting around fiddling with your Wang!
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Wang! Nice one, dad!
Employee #1: Well, could you help me print this file?
Nick Burns: Yeah, what other programs do you have running?
Employee #1: Uh.. how do I find that out.
Nick Burns: Go to your applications folder.
Employee #1: Okay, where’s that at?
Nick Burns: Your control strip.
Employee #1: What? Which..
Nick Burns: It’s by the tool bar.
Employee #1: Okay.. which tool bar..?
Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] Geez Louise, your I-Mac is slow. It’s slower than Starr Jones on a treadmill. [ presses buttons, pages start printing ] Was that so hard? See what I’m talking about, Dad?
Nick’s Dad: You’re right, son. These guy are about as quick as an Intel Pentium – I!
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Who’s next?
Employee #2: Hey, Nick, how’s it’s going?
Nick’s Dad: Oh, is this the guy that goes to the Dudes With Boobs web site?
Nick Burns: No. You’ve Got She-Male is back here. This is the guy who refused to open his e-mail because he was afraid he’d get anthrax.
Nick’s Dad: [ laughs ] What a bonehead!
Employee #2: Hey, Nick, is that your dad?
Nick Burns: Congratulations! Oh, wow, you figured that out without having to use a Lifeline.
Employee #2: [ slightly confused ] Oh.. that’s like that show, huh?
Nick’s Dad: You know, I think I can help this guy. [ presses one button, computer turns on ] Done!
Nick Burns: Was I right about these guys?
Nick’s Dad: That guy’s about as dense as a line coat from Duke Nukem 3!
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] God, you are on fire! That’s hilarious, Dad! Hey, can I use that in the chat room?
Nick’s Dad: Oh no, that’s mine.
Nick Burns: Okay. Let’s check on Skeeter. [ approaches Employee #3 ] Okay, what’s your problem?
Employee #3: I can’t hear through the speakers while I’m transferring my MP3s to my new I-Pod.
Nick Burns: I-Pod? Gee, that holds 1000 songs.
Employee #3: Yeah. So, what’s your point?
Nick Burns: Well, how many albums does Frankie Goes to Hollywood have?
Employee #3: Ha ha ha! They had two! Now, why don’t my speakers work?
Nick Burns: Well, hit your Hot key through your control strip there.
Employee #3: My.. my Hot key?
Nick Burns: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it says the firewall is functional. Let’s check the control panel..
Nick’s Dad: Hey, son, I think..
Nick Burns: Hey, Dad, I’m working! [ hits a few other keys ] Let’s check the output speaker here..
Nick’s Dad: Son, I.. I..
Nick Burns: Dad, please, give me a break, let me try this..
Nick’s Dad: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it’s not your fault. This jughead here left his quarter-inch adapter in his headphone jack.
Employee #3: Wow! Not so smart, are we, Nick?
[ Nick unplugs the speaker, as Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” eminates through the room ]
Nick Burns: [ dancing ] Hey, you like Wham! huh?
Employee #3: [ angry ] I was dubbing that for my girlfriend!
Nick’s Dad: Did you meet her at the Dudes With Boobs web site?
Nick Burns: I’m outta here! You wanna go home or something?
Nick’s Dad: Uh, you know what, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s go see “Monsters, Inc.” and look for glitches in the animation.
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Let’s get out of here. Oh, by the way, everyone..
Together: You’re welcome!
Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”
White House Aide…..Rachel Dratch President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
White House Aide: …And later you’re expected to appear out on the South Lawn for a little league game.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Carly.
White House Aide: Oh, and Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice are here for their daily briefing.
President George W. Bush: Why don’t you send them in? (White House aide exits, Bush talking to self) They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid!
(Enter Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice)
President George W. Bush: Hey, Condi! Dick!
Cheney and Rice: Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: How are you? Please sit down. What’s going on in the world?
Condoleeza Rice: Busy day, sir.
Dick Cheney: Well, we’re going to need you to phone Sharon this morning, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Good, I like that fellow. He took me up in his helicopter. I trust a man who takes you for a helicopter ride, you know what I mean?
Dick Cheney: I do not. But just the same, you should call Sharon.
President George W. Bush: I’m on it.
Condoleeza Rice: We also have a call into Arafat.
President George W. Bush: The president of Palestine.
Condoleeza Rice: Uh, Chairman of the Palestinian people.
President George W. Bush: Right, same difference.
Dick Cheney: It would also ease matters if we could talk to the King of Jordan.
President George W. Bush: Hussein!
Dick Cheney: Abdullah. His name is Abdullah, sir. Hussein died.
President George W. Bush: Real shame. The man was a friend of my father’s; a lot of class. I also liked his wife, Queen Amidala.
Dick Cheney: Sir, that is Natalie Portman’s character in “Attack of the Clones.”
President George W. Bush: Really? Then who is the woman I’ve been calling Queen Amidala for a year now?
Dick Cheney: That would be Queen Noor, the widow of King Hussein.
President George W. Bush: I like her. Which one of them was down at the ranch last month?
Condoleeza Rice: Excuse me?
President George W. Bush: You know the one, he was also a pal of Dad’s, he looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Dick Cheney: Crown Prince Abdullah.
President George W. Bush: Yes! Of Egypt!
Dick Cheney: Saudi Arabia.
President George W. Bush: I knew that! I was just testing you. That’s two Abdullahs.
Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. One in Jordan and one in Saudi Arabia. The one in Saudi Arabia has the peace plan he talked to you about. Remember that?
President George W. Bush: Is this some kinda test?
Dick Cheney: I ask myself that everyday. Now, about President Assad.
President George W. Bush: Now, don’t tell me. He’s the Egyptian!
Dick Cheney: No.
President George W. Bush: Lebanese?
Dick Cheney: No.
President George W. Bush: Irish?
Dick Cheney: No, sir.
President George W. Bush: Don’t tell me!
Dick Cheney: He’s Syrian.
President George W. Bush: He’s Syrian!
Dick Cheney: We need to contact the Syrians and beg restraint from Hizbullah.
President George W. Bush: I’m on it like stink on a mule. Next?
Rice: You have a meeting with Ali Abdullah Salay.
President George W. Bush: Another Abdullah.
Condoleeza Rice: Yeah.
President George W. Bush: That’s three. You thought I wasn’t paying attention, now did you? Where’s this one from?
Condoleeza Rice: Yemen.
President George W. Bush: Good one, but I’m not that stupid. You mean Fremen.
Dick Cheney: No, it’s Yemen. “Fremen” is from the science fiction book Dune!
President George W. Bush: Ok, fair enough.
Condoleeza Rice: And you’re going to need to contact Mubarak.
President George W. Bush: Yemen?
Dick Cheney: Egypt!
President George W. Bush: Damn it!
Condoleeza Rice: The Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Maher has a scheduled appointment with you later today.
President George W. Bush: Can I ask you both a question?
Condoleeza Rice: Go ahead.
President George W. Bush: Do I get to talk to someone today with the name Smith, or Jones, or Cooper, or Knievel?
Condoleeza Rice: I have a conference call with President Musharraf if you want in.
President George W. Bush: What happened to us? Sure, we have a war on terror, that’s great. But we used to have domestic issues. I used to work a regular six-hour day!
Dick Cheney: It’s a complex world, sir.
President George W. Bush: It’s a complex world? Try telling that to those boys and girls out on the South Lawn playing Little League baseball. They don’t think it’s a complex world. And this may come as a surprise to you all, but I also don’t think it’s a complex world.
Dick Cheney: Sir, I’m not surprised by that at all.
President George W. Bush: Well, then maybe you’ll be surprised by this. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
Yesterday in Yemen, a man threw a hand grenade at the U.S. Embassy, where Vice-President Dick Cheney visited the day before. But it’s going to take more than that to scare a man who cheats death every time his heart beats.
The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color-coded terrorism alert system, with green for the most relaxed, and red as the most serious warning. However, if the scale goes above orange, I will make brown.
Strom Thurmond was visibly enthusiastic about the plan, saying, ” A color alert system? Why, I’ve been waiting for one of them for years!”
The Bush administration is considering lifting the embargo against Libyan oil. This is thanks to the cooperation of leader Momar Khaddaffi, who has been giving the U.S. information on terrorists in exchange for a curl activator.
Variety has reported that Jerry Seinfeld has signed a new three-year multi-millionaire dollar deal to a the spokesman American Express. In another big credit card deal, Michael Richards has signed a three-year deal with Visa to pay off his bill.
Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton have adopted a baby boy from Cambodia. No word yet on what they plan to use the boy for.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, the Oscar race is heating up, and here to offer her predictions, is Oscar nominee, Dame Maggie Smith, everybody.
Dame Maggie Smith: Well, thank you, Jimmy, aren’t you a darling. Look at your little suit – just like a little school boy, mmm!
Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] So.. Dame Maggie..!
Dame Maggie Smith: Call me Mags.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Mags. Uh.. let’s talk about the Oscars.
Dame Maggie Smith: Mmm. Yes, let’s.
Jimmy Fallon: Who do you think is gonna win for Best Actor?
Dame Maggie Smith: Well, the winner will be Denzel Washington. And, Denzel, if you have any interest in getting it on with an experienced dame of experience, give me a call.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, alright. What about Best Actress.
Dame Maggie Smith: Judi Dench. Little Judi Dench. Such a clever, little Judi Dench. Little, clever, chubby Judi Dench.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright. Let’s see, uh.. Best Supporting Actress, who’s that?
Dame Maggie Smith: Uh, me – whether I win it or not.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, understood. Uh.. Best Supporting Actor?
Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, without a doubt, Ian McKellen. Saint Ian! They’ve got to throw that old queen a bone sometime.
Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Is he gay? I didn’t even.. know that.. uh..
Dame Maggie Smith: You’re not gay, Jimmy, are you?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, no.. but I.. uh.. Best Picture?
Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, who cares? By that time, I’ll be getting as high as a kite in the toilet with Helen Mirren!
Jimmy Fallon: Are you going to go to the after party?
Dame Maggie Smith: [bitterly] After party? I’d rather drink ink. [sweetly] But wish me luck. Mmm kiss for luck, little Jimmy Fallon? [ leans in for a kiss on the cheek]
[ Jimmy leans over to oblige, but Dame Maggie turns her head quickly and ends up lip-locked with Jimmy Fallon. She presses hard before Jimmy breaks away from the kiss. Maggie Smith leans back with a satisfied smile on her face ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ cracking up ] Maggie Smith, everybody! [ Maggie Smith waves and smirks before the camera cuts to Fey and Fallon. Tina tries to wipe the lipstick off Jimmys lips. Jimmy adjusts his tie and tries to keep a straight face, but struggles to control himself as the audience keeps whooping over the kiss. Jimmy touches his lips and ad-libs]: Maggie Smith should shave! [still trying to get over the shock of being kissed; ad-libs] Does this mean I’m knighted? [voice cracks when he says knighted] Oror did I just get queened? [chuckles and is now calm enough to get on with the rest of Update] Wow
Last week on “Survivor”, when a female cast member urinated on a male cast member’s hand to remedy a sea urchin’s sting, [still cracking up over getting queened, but calms down again] CBS had to decide how much to show. The answer? Not enough, according to the urine fetish community.
A federal grand jury has indicted auditing firm Arthur Andersen for shredding more than thirty truckloads of Enron documents. If found guilty, the firm’s top executives could spend up to ten months in a prison nicer than your home.
It’s being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard.
Tina Fey: And now it’s time for Weekend Update’s Secret Joke of the Week.
[ Jimmy leans in and whispers the secret joke in Tina’s ear ]
Tina Fey: [ devilishly excited ] Uh-huh? Uh-huh! [ laughing ] Secret joke! [ laughs ] That was a good joke!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah? Don’t tell anybody.
Tina Fey: I won’t. I promise. This has been the Secret Joke of the Week!
A new study shows that drivers who listen to fast tempo music while driving have more accidents, while drivers listening to slow music have sexier accidents.
According to newly released documents, tobacco companies gave free cigarettes to celebrities such as Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis, to try to influence the public to smoke. In their defense, tobacco company executives said, “No, no, no. We were just trying to kill Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis.”
Tina Fey: This past week, Fox aired its first of a series of celebrity boxing matches, including a match between Paula Jones and ex-figure skater Tonya Harding. Here to tell us about her experience, is Paula Jones.
Paula Jones: Thank yew. Thank yew, Tina.
Tina Fey: So, Paula, how was the fight?
Paula Jones: Um.. it was okay.. but I thought it was gonna be a lot classier than it was. I thought it was gonna be more celebrity, and less boxing.
[ Tonya Harding suddenly runs onto the set, donned in boxing gloves ]
Tonya Harding: Yeah! What’s up, crybaby! [ sucker punches Paula on the shoulder ] Ah! You flinched! [ sucker punches some more ]
Tina Fey: See, this doesn’t seem like an even match-up. Tonya, you’re a professional athlete.. and, Paula.. what do you do?
Paula Jones: Um.. I’m stay-at-home actress.
Tina Fey: Uh.. how did you prepare for the fight.
Tonya Harding: I trained really hard! I ate a lot of chicken, I fought some Mexican girls in a parking lot.. and I threw a keg through my boyfriend’s window! Whoo-oo-oo!!
Tina Fey: Paula, how did you train.
Paula Jones: Um.. I had my nail tips shortened.
Tina Fey: Now, let me ask you this – would you do it again? Will either of you fight again?
Tonya Harding: [ gung ho ] I’ll take on all y’all! Amy Fisher! Anna Nicole Smith! Michelle Kwan! The Bush Twins! Why don’t you bring it!!
Paula Jones: Uh.. I would not do this again.. because it did not turn out classy. But I will be driving the monster truck Borean over six school buses, sponsored by Skoal Bandit. Live on the World Wide Web, check it out, y’all!
Tina Fey: Alright, thanks. Time to go, ladies, thanks for coming out..
Tonya Harding: Hey, ya know what, Tina? You think you’re so great – with your glasses, and.. and, your glasses… I’m gonna kill you!
Tina Fey: Oh, really, yeah? Let’s do this!
[ Tina flings her glasses off and jumps to her feet. Tonya and Paula quickly jump to their feet and run in the opposite direction ]
Tina Fey: Yeah! That’s what I thought, Tonya Harding! Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, everyone.
Tricon Global Restaurants, which owns Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut, announced that they are buying A&W and Long John Silvers. It’s a selection designed to make anyone’s mouth water – in that way it does right before you puke.
Jimmy Fallon: More than 3,000 years after the Camblin-McDonald clans fought in the Scottish highlands, the family feud has resurfaced this week, after it was announced that both –
Tina Fey: Wait, wait.. Jimmy, are you nuts?
Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What?
Tina Fey: McDonald’s.. family feud.. Are you trying to summon Louie Anderson?
Jimmy Fallon: [ sighs ] Oh, nooo..
[ a cloud of smoke rises from under the desk, as Louie Anderson magically appears ]
Louie Anderson: Ahhh.. hey, guys! Where am I? What’s going on? You guys ready to play the Feud!
Tina Fey: No, Louie. Jimmy did not mean to magically summon you.
Louie Anderson: We surveyed 190,000 people! Top five answers on the board!
Jimmy Fallon: Louie, Louie, Louie. We’re actually in the middle of the show. I didn’t mean to summon you, I’m sorry.
Tina Fey: Yeah, you know what? You gotta go, Louie, just get out of here, okay?
Louie Anderson: Show me Get Out Of Here! Huh?
Tina Fey: You’ve still gotta go, Louie.
Jimmy Fallon: It’s not on the board.
Louie Anderson: Okay, see you next time on the Feud! Be good to your families! [ blows a kiss ] See ya!
Jimmy Fallon: Louie Anderson, people!
The creators of Barbie have obtained a court order banning a new Argentinean movie called “Barbie Gets Sad 2,” which shows Barbie having graphic sex. Apparently, their biggest objection is the scene where Barbie turns around and takes it in the Mattel!
Experts say that satellite images show that parts of Central London are sinking up to five millimeters a year. Also sinking up to five millimeters a year? Martin Landau’s testicles.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
