SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Goodnight, Saigon



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22














08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnight, Saigon

Fritz…..Will Ferrell
Ray…..Darrell Hammond
Keith…..Bill Hader
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Pianist…..Andy Samberg
Guitarists…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte
Violinists…..Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson
Drums….Fred Armisen
Tambourines…..Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig
Flautist…..Seth Meyers
Triangle…..Amy Poehler
Clarinet…..Maya Rudolph
Saxophonist…..Tom Hanks
Guitar…..Anne Hathaway
Violinist…..Paul Rudd
…..Green Day
Guitar…..Norm MacDonald
…..Artie Lange

[ open with exterior entrance to Grand Central Station ] [ dissolve to interior, dining area, where Fritz sits with three of his buddies ]

Fritz: So… any summer plans, gentlemen? Any… vay-vay-cays… coming your way-way-way?

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Kenan: Yeah, I think the missus and I are heading down to Mexico for a couple of weeks in June.

Fritz: Oooohh! Me-ji-co! Land of the rising sun. I love it. How about you, Keith?

Keith: I have a new baby — I think it’s gonne be more of a stay-cation, as in Stay-Up-While-She-Cries-cation!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: Yeah, sometimes the gift of life is also the gift of having no life!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: How about you, Ray? [ singing ] “Where… in the world… is Ray-mond Fed-e-ri-co going?”

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Ray: Well, Jennifer and I have always wanted to travel through southeast Asia, maybe hit Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam… You’ve been to Vietnam, haven’t you, Fritz?

[ Fritz stares off in a trance ]

Keith: Fritz, what was Vietnam like? Fritz?

[ helicopters sound overhead ]

Keith: Is that a helicopter?

[ Fritz stands, with maracas in hand, as lights from a passing helicopter flash ] [ an orchestra, formerly ensconced in the dark, lights up behind Fritz ]

Fritz: [ singing ]“We… met… as… soul mates
On Parris Island.
We left as inmates
From an asylum.”

[ his buddies stare at him in great confusion ]

Fritz: [ singing ]“And we were sharp
As sharp as knives.
And we were so gung ho
To lay down our lives.

[ Fritz returns to his seat, still staring out into space ]

Kenan: Okay… when was he in Vietnam?

Keith: He went there on vacation. Like… four years ago. [ turns to Fritz ] What time of year did you go?

[ Fritz stands once more, as a trio of violinists join the orchestra ]

Fritz: [ singing ]“We… had… no… cameras
To shoot the landscape.
We passed the hash pipe
And played our Doors tapes.

And it was dark
So dark at ni-ni-ni-ni-night.
And we held on to each other
Like brother to brother
We promised our mothers we’d write.”

[ his buddies continue to stare at him in great confusion ]

Chorus: [ singing ]“And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Fritz returns to his seat ]

Ray: Wow! So, he just visited Vietnam… like a tourist?

Keith: Yeah.

Kenan: Well, did something bad happen to him?

Keith: I think he lost his luggage.

Fritz: [ singing ]“We… held… the day
In the palm
Of our hand.”

[ Fritz stands before the orchestra once more, suddenly flanked by a triangle player, a clarinetist, a saxophonist, a guitarist, and a violinist ]

Fritz: [ singing ]They… ruled the night.And the night
Seemed to last as long as six weeks
On Parris Island.”

[ Green Day appears onstage with their instruments ]

Chorus: [ singing ]“We held the coastline
They held the highlands.
And they were sharp
As sharp as kni-kni-kni-kni-knives.
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted the rotors
And waited for us to arrive.”

[ Norm MacDonald appears on guitar; Artie Lange appears as himself ]

Chorus: [ singing ]“And we would all go down together
We said wed all go down together
Yes we would all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Artie Lange leans in to hug a smiling Norm MacDonald ] [ in the far right corner of the screen, a stagehand’s hand motions for everyone to go down together from the stage ] [ Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott, and Michaela Watkins go down together ] [ Artie Lange goes down ]

Audience Member: Artie!

[ the rest of the audience screams, as Artie raises his arms victoriously to them ] [ Norm MacDonald goes down, followed by Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig, and Fred Armisen holding hands with Elisabeth Moss ] [ Green Day goes down together, followed by Tom Hanks, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Anne Hathaway, and Paul Rudd ] [ Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, and Seth Meyers go down together ] [ the lights dim, and a helicopter sounds in the air, as Fritz solemnly walks down alone, leaving his friends alone together at the table ]

Keith: Wait a second… he just left without paying!

Kenan: Again?!

Ray: Why do we always fall for that?

[ they shrug, as the scene fades ]

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