[ Dana Carvey comes out dressed as former President George Bush ]
George Bush: Take ‘her slow!Slow-ly.. Feel like I’m the Dave Clark Five here! [ chuckles ] Doni’ a little Tai Chi – Dana’s backstage, not quite ready, a little nervous. Sent me out here to stal for time, but.. since we’ve got a minute.. you know, I wanna tell ya, I’ve been feeling good about the Republican Party. Been consulting with some – thank you! I’m in enemy territory here! Been consulting with some Republican pollsters – looks good! It looks good! Sat down with Newt Gingrich and Phil Gramm.. worked up a little ditty. G.E.? You wanna lay down that funky thing you do back there?
[ the band starts to play, as Bush begins to hip-hop ]
“Republicans are teachers Democrats are students! Don’t vote for donkey Wouldn’t be prudent!
Gingrich and Dole Diggin’ Bill a hole. You heard me, and I’m in it We’re takin’ the House and Senate!
We’re not gonna lose Not gonna do it! Nah gah Nah gah Nah gah Nah gah! Not gonna do it And I’m nah gah! I say I’m not nah gah..”
Director’s Voice: Dana?
Dana Carvey: What?! I was doin’ my “Nah gah”!
Director’s Voice: Uh.. President Bush is still on the hook-up, and.. he wants to say something.
Dana Carvey: Wha.. wha.. he-he’s here now?
Director’s Voice: Yeah. Should I put him through?
Dana Carvey: [ in Bush voice ] Uh.. alright. Put him in.
George Bush: Dana. George Bush here. I’m watching you do my impression of me, and, I gotta say, it’s nothing like me. Bears no resemblence. It’s bad. It’s bad!
Dana Carvey: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President! I think it’s a fair impression!
George Bush: Don’t see it.
Dana Carvey: You don’t?
George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated! It’s not me. Those crazy hand gestures.. the pointing thing.. I don’t do ’em! And, also: “Nah gah da.” Never said it. In all my years of governement service, I never once said, “Nah gah da!”
Dana Carvey: Uh.. anything else?
George Bush: Yes! That Church Lady thing. What was that all about? Never got the point.
Dana Carvey: [ in Church Lady voice ] Well, isn’t that special?
George Bush: Dana. gotta go. Bye.
Dana Carvey: Well, perhaps he’s got a point. Is he gone, Davy?
Director’s Voice: Yep.
George Bush: Hit it, G.E.!
[ singing ]
“Nah gah! Nah gah do it! Nah gah! Nah gah do it!”
Edie Brickell is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ show Milton sitting behind desk in what is now being used as his office ]
Milton: Mmm.. well.. f-first of all, they had no right to move me next down here, ‘cuz.. this area’s only supposed to be for storage. M-mmm.. those cabinets are blocking the cold air return.. and.. and it’s a health hazard. Mmm.. so.. if they don’t comply with the regulations, I could make one phone call, and have this entire building condemned. And.. and I could have Bill arrested.
[ sound of Bill’s footsteps in the hall, until he appears in doorway holding onto his trustedcup of coffee ]
Bill: Ah. Hello, Milton, what’s happening? Uh.. we’ve got kind of a problem. apparently, someone saw a cockroach up by the water cooler.. uh-yeahhh.. and the feeling is that they’re coming from down here.
Milton: Mmm.. w-well.. b-but my area is clean..
Bill: Yyyeahhh.. so, they’re gonna have to go ahead and spray in here.
Milton: W-well.. b-but.. Ray’s area up in Accounts Payable is filthy! An-and.. I saw mouse feces under his desk!
Bill: Yeahhh.. they’re definitely coming from in here. So, if you could just make a conscious effort to keep it clean down here, that would be great. Mmmkay? And the exterminator should be here any minute.
Milton: Mmm.. well.. R-ray always eats lunch at his desk, and.. and he spills crumbs on the floor. So..
Bill: And, uh.. one other thing. Technically, we’re not supposed to have anyone working down here. I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, but, if anyone asks, just tell them you’re down here getting something, mmmkay?
Milton: Well.. but.. I would prefer not-
[ Exterminator papears in doorway behind Bill ]
Bill: Hiii, what’s happening? So, uh.. we’re all set here.. so, why don’t you just go ahead and spray?
Exterminator: Well, uh.. I could spray, but if you really want these things knocked out, uh.. why not just use a roach bomb? Since this is just dead storage down here.
Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that would be terrific.
Milton: Um.. well..
Exterminator: I’ll go ahead and use the D-50 here. It’s the most powerful insecticide bomb they make. [ tosses roach bomb into the storage area, as fumes encompass an overlooked Milton ]
Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that’s greeeatt.
Milton: Mmm..
Exterminator: Just make sure no one goes in here for about.. four or five days.
Bill: Grrreatt. Thanks a bunch. Buh-bye.
[ Bill and Exterminator exit down hall, leaving Milton surrounded by thick fumes ]
Milton: Well.. Okay, but.. as soon as I get done alphabetizing my purchase orders.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna set the building on fire.
Dana Carvey: Well, this has been a blast – here’s my real hair. I’d like to thank Edie Brickell.. and, uh.. I’d especially like to thank, uh, President Bush. If you’re still up, don’t worry – I’m working on my Bill Clinton impression, so you’re safe. Good night. Thank you!
A Message From the Former President of the United States
…..George Bush
Announcer: The following is a message from the Former President of the United States.
George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And, during that time, “Saturday Night Live” made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. But I’ll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now – wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine. Until then, I wish the show continued success.
And now, the host tonight. A young fellow named Dana Carvey has asked me to introduce the show. He’s a friend of mine, I know him well. Bar and I had him up at the White House. Walked off with a pen that had belonged to James Madison. Secret Service beat him up pretty good. I don’t think he’ll ever be “walking off” with anything else for a while. Bar and I are looking forward to watching the show, but I’m gonnas warn ya: I’m a channel surfer. And, if the sketches get long, I’m gonna flip right over to the “Tales From The Crypt”.
Just kidding, Dana. Bar and I are here for you tonight, to give you support. But as far as opening the show with “Live, from New York”, I’m not gonna do it. First of all: I’m in Houston; it wouldn’t be true. And, secondly: it’s just not something I do. So, Dana, have a good show. We’ll be watching. And don’t ever ask me to do anything again!
Announcer: This has been a message from the former President of the United States. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Spokesman: The book. Simple. Uncomplicated. Almost primitive. In an age of fiber-optics and laser technology, books have just been left behind. That is, ’til now. Introducing.. Virtual-Reality Books. where ordinary books stop, Virtual-Reality Books begin. Because, with Virtual-Reality.. you’re a part of the story! Strap on a classic, like.. Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick”.. and prepare to be blown away!
[ Spokesman puts on Virtual-Reality helmet and glove, as view reveals the Virtual-Reality experience of a typical suburban living room ]
Welcome to the ultimate reading experience. Look left.. [ view angles left to virtual lamp ] There’s a lamp. Look right.. [ view angles right to virtual endtable ] ..an endtable. Look up.. [ view angles up to virtual ceiling ] Look down.. [ view angles down to virtual floor ] Your journey begins as you turn the page.
[ Spokesman extends Virtual-Reality arm to turn page of book, revealing slow materialization of the words “Call me.. (more)”. Spokesman tuns the page to reveal slow materialization of the word “Ishmael”. ]
It’s like reading a book in your living room – only better!
And you’re Virtual-Reality experience doesn’t end with “Moby Dick”. In “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”, you’ll travel by raft down the mighty Mississippi, in a journey you’ll never forget.
And, when the kids are asleep, try an adult literature simulation so real, you’ll swear you were making love to one of Jackie Collins’ “Hollywood Wives”. [ view shows virtual book on virutal table, with title “Hollywood Wives on the cover ] Oh, yeahh.. oh-ho-o-o yeahhh!
Virtual-Reality Books. The only limit is your imagination – and ours.
Court TV Johnny Carson (Carvey) lends talk show gimmicks into O.J. Simpson trial. Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, O.J. Simpson.
Ross Perot Greets Trick-or-Treaters Ross Perot (Carvey) makes trick-or-treaters cry when they come to his door. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon perform “Green”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald Al Franken reviews negative campaign ads. Hans (Carvey) & Franz (Kevin Nealon) on the fate of SNL’s recurring characters. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
Pepper Boy Marco (Carvey) teaches Carlo (Adam Sandler) the art of the craft.
Nobel Prize Awards
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon perform “Tomorrow Comes”
Work Excuses Employee (Tim Meadows) makes horrifying excuses for his tardiness.
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. Travolta blows a kiss to the audience. ]
John Travolta: I love you! I love you!!!
[ More cheers and applause from the audience. ]
John Travolta: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because almost 20 years ago tonight you allowed me into your living rooms with “Welcome Back, Kotter.”
[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
John Travolta: And at the same time that was happening, there was a wonderful new show that came on Saturday nights called “Saturday Night Live.” And since then, for, um 20 years, Ive been asked to do this show; they’ve had like 400 episodes and Ive had like 5,000 comebacks! And and here I am tonight. And I dont know why I havent done the show. I… I… figured I was chicken or maybe I needed something to look forward to or maybe I need to promote my new movie “Pulp Fiction.”
[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
John Travolta: But… uh… you know, tonight, because of this new role I have; I play a heroin addict, a murderer, a gangster — a charming fellow. You know… But I figured I wouldnt refer to my old movie characters. Or films. Or TV series. Because, you know… I got a new film.
[ Travolta pulls out a comb and starts styling his hair as Danny Zukow from “Grease”. ]
John Travolta: I dont got an ego where you have to refer to old movies or TV series. Why do that when you have a new movie like “Pulp Fiction”? It just doesn’t make sense. Gosh, its kind of breezy!
[ Travolta looks off of Home Base. ]
John Travolta: Can I borrow your hat?
[ A black, ten-gallon cowboy hat is tossed to him. ]
John Travolta: Oh, thank you.
[ Travolta puts on the hat. ]
John Travolta: Old films are old films and new films are new films, frankly. And… I… uh…
[ Travolta looks to front-row audience. ]
John Travolta: Is that a baby?
[ A woman’s cradling a newborn wrapped in blankets. ]
John Travolta: Can I see it?
[ The woman brings the baby onto Home Base. ]
John Travolta: Oh, how sweet!
[ Travolta holds the newborn, which starts to wail a little. ]
John Travolta: Oh, look who’s talking!
[ He hands the baby back to the mother and she takes her seat. Travolta takes off the cowboy hat and tosses it. ]
John Travolta: Thank you. It’s just crazy. It’s just fun to have a new film like “Pulp Fiction” and to forget about the old ones.
[ He peeks up to the ceiling. ]
John Travolta: Is that… A LIGHT!
[ A disco ball drops and Travolta strikes his famous Tony Monero pose from “Saturday Night Fever”. ]
John Travolta: Stay with us, ladies and gentlemen! We got Seal! We got John Travolta and he’ll be right back!
[ open on Woman giving product testimony from her couch ]
Woman: I had the bathroom from hell. [ laughs ] It was like everytime I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Bathroom Monkey. They said the Bathroom Monkey system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.
[ real-life monkey air freshener demonstrates ]
The little monkey air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Bathroom Monkey hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom’s monkey clean and monkey fresh. And my bathroom monkey? He’s more than a bathroom cleanser. He’s a part of the family. [ Bathroom Monkey changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower ]
I don’t know where monkeys come from.. I don’t know how they reproduce.. I don’t know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it’s cleaning power is all used up.. [ she discards used Bathroom Monkey ] ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. [ monkey in red diaper ] ..Blue.. [ monkey in blue diaper ] ..or Orangutan. [ SUPER: “Orangutan will not wear diaper” ] This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Bathoom Monkey and I are gonna make a great team.
Larry King…..Kevin Nealon Marlon Brando…..John Travolta Caller…..Jim Downey
Announcer: Welcome to “Larry King Live”. Tonight: a special-edition, with a very special guest. A conversation with one of the greatest actors of our time: Marlon Brando. Now, live, from Brando’s home in Beverly Hills, here’s Larry King.
Larry King: Alright, we’re honored to be here in the beautiful home of the super-talented Marlon Brando. His book, “Brando: Songs My mother Taught Me”, the autobiography has been published by Random House. Now, Marlon.. I know you never grant interviews, so I’m honored.
Marlon Brando: Well, Larry, you know.. I knew I’d have a god time on this show. You’re sweating, Larry.. why are you sweating?
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ] I’m Jewish! Jews sweat!
Marlon Brando: Let me.. let me help you with that sweat.. let me help you soak this up here. [ dabbles Larry’s forehead with a tissue ]
Larry King: Alright.. alright..
Marlon Brando: [ sticks the tissue to Larry’s forehead ] There you go.
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Alright, if you’re just tuning in, my guest is the brilliant Marlon Brando; the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; and the tissue, to soak up my sweat.
Marlon Brando: Here, let me take that off you.. for you, Larry. [ removes tissue ]
Larry King: Alright. Thank you, Marlon. Alright, we’re back! Alright, we’ll be taking your calls a little later! We’re at the home of the great Marlon Brando, in Beverly Hills.. [ Marlon pinches Larry’s nose ] Alright, Marlon.. in Beverly Hills, California.
Marlon Brando: He can’t talk right now, because he’s got his nose pinched!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon.. alright, Marlon.. alright. Marlon, whatmade you get into acting?
Marlon Brando: Larry, do you know what this is? This is an oil the Native Americans made.. it’s a Sereconi plant. And they claim that the.. the oils are very healing.
Larry King: Actually has the ability to heal?
Marlon Brando: Yes, it does.
Larry King: Alright.
Marlon Brando: Why don’t you rub a little bit on my feet?
Larry King: [ crazed laughter ] Come on, Marlon!
Marlon Brando: No, go ahead, Larry.. I’ll talk to you about acting. [ props his bare foot in Larry’s lap ]
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Anything for the great Marlon. [ starts to apply oil to Marlon’s bare foot ] Alright. If you’re just tuning in – the book, an autobiography; the subject, acting; the oil-laden foot, Marlon Brando’s.
Marlon Brando: I got my acting start in New York.. oh, that’s nice, Larry.
Larry King: Alright.
Marlon Brando: [ joyfully ] Oh, that’s good! You see.. Larry, acting is be.. believing.. Oh.. oh, that’s good..
Larry King: But why acting, Marlon?
Marlon Brando: Well, you know.. I want you to try one of these cookies – here. [ offers cookie to Larry, who’s shy to accept ] No, no, no.. go ahead, try one. [ Larry takes a cookie ] And don’t lie to me – if you like it, youtell me you liked it.
Larry King: Anything for the great Marlon Brando. [ nibbles cookie ]
Marlon Brando: What do you think?
Larry King: Interesting. Are these also made from the Sereconi plant?
Marlon Brando: [ slyly ] I’m not gonna tell you what it’s made from.
Larry King: [ worried ] Is it something that could make me sick?
Marlon Brando: Perhaps.. perhaps not.
Larry King: [ more worried ] Is it something that cookies are not normally made from?
Marlon Brando: Well.. let’s just say, you know.. maybe what it’s made from will put a cookie-eating grin on your face. [ chuckles ]
Larry King: [ puts cookie down ] Alright, Marlon.. alright. Mr. B., let’s talk about fame – what has it done for you?
Marlon Brando: Well, it’s allowed me a cer-.. a certain lifestyle, you know.. and it’s filled with privileges.
Larry King: Right. You like acting-
Marlon Brando: [ holds up huge baby bonnet ] You know, Larry.. I’d like to see you in this. [ tries to put the bonnet on Larry’s head ]
Larry King: What are you doing, Marlon?
Marlon Brando: Just wear it, Larry..
Larry King: [ struggling ] Come on, Marlon..
Marlon Brando: No, just wear it.
Larry King: What about acting?
Marlon Brando: Alright, go ahead, Larry.. [ finally gets the bonnet nestles on Larry’s head ] There you go, you look good.
Larry King: Alright, Marlon, whatever you say. Alright.
Marlon Brando: It’s a baby bonnet!
Larry King: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.. I know it is. [ trying to regain control ] Has fame made you happy?
Marlon Brando: Yes.. I’m happy, Larry. But how about you?
Larry King: I’m very happy!
Marlon Brando: Well, you don’t look so happy.. you look sad.
Larry King: I assure you, with great acting legend Marlon Brando on my show, I am very happy. [ to camera ] If you’re just joining us: the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; our guest, the incomparable Marl- [ Marlon leans in to draw a smiley face on Larry’s mouth with a magic marker ] Alright, Marlon.. alright, Marlon.. alright.. anything for Marlon. Now I’m happy.. now I’m happy.. alright: the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; the cookie, probably excrement; the bonnet, a gift; the smile, Magic Marker. We’ll be taking calls.
Marlon Brando: [ a proud artist ] Ha! Now Larry is happy!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Tomorrow night, Jerry Van Dyke and Tori Spelling. Holy Oak, Massachusetts! Hello!
Caller: Hello, Larry. Uh, Mr. Brando, I just want to say, I loved you in “On The Waterfront”.
Marlon Brando: Oh, thank you..
Caller: It’s my favorite movie! Uh.. my question is: could you make larry drop his pants?
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ]
Marlon Brando: Sure. Larry, drop your drawers.
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ] Let’s take some more calls!
Marlon Brando: No, no, why are you avoiding the issue, Larry? Drop your drawers for the man.
Larry King: [ stands ] Alright.. anything for the great Marlon Brando.
Marlon Brando: Let’s go.
Larry King: The man has won two Oscars, ladies and gentlemen. [ fully removes his pants, then sits ] Alright. Alright, Marlon, really quick: in your whole career, who have you had the most fun working with?
Marlon Brando: You, Larry! This is the most.. fun I’ve ever had in my life!
Larry King: Marlon’s being very flattering right now. [ Marlon tosses the cookies at Larry’s face ] Alright, Marlon.. come on, now.. come on, Marlon! Come on, now, let’s.. the great Marlon Brando, ladies and gentlemen..
Marlon Brando: Do you-
Larry King: Unfortunately, we are out of time right now.
Marlon Brando: Do you remember that song, Larry, “Got A Date..” [ singing ] “I’ve got a date with an angel..”
Larry King: Sure! Sure! Waller and Tunbridge..
Marlon Brando: Get on all fours!
Larry King: We’ve gotta go now..
Marlon Brando: Come on! Get on all fours!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon.. The Godfather has spoken. [ gets on all fours and lets Marlon ride him ] Alright.
Marlon Brando: That’s it! [ singing ] “I’ve got a date with an angel.. I’ve got a date with an angel..”
Larry King: The book is “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; the man riding me, Marlon Brando..
Marlon Brando: Are you happy, Larry?
Larry King: [ weary ] Very happy!
Marlon Brando: You look sad – tell your face that you’re happy.
Larry King: Tomorrow night: Jerry Van Dyke and Tori Spelling. Arrividerci!
Mr. Kotter…..Mike Myers Julie Kotter…..Janene Garofalo Hit Man #1…..Chris Farley Hit Man #2…..Chris Elliot Barbarino…..John Travolta Epstein…..Adam Sandler Horshak…..David Spade Washington…..Tim Meadows Mr. Woodman…..Jay Mohr Lenny…..Michael McKean Squiggy…..David L. Lander Mr. Pink…..Steve Buscemi
[ open on interior, Mr. Kotter’s apartment, breakfast nook ]
Mr. Kotter: Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herbie Kotter from Poughkeepsie?
Julie Kotter: [ unenthused ] Why, no, Gabe. Tell me about your Uncle Herbie from Poughkeepsie.
Mr. Kotter: Well, Uncle Herbie was sort of a hippie. He decided to go hitchhiking across the country. But no one would ever pick him up, so he decided to walk! He walked across New York.. he walked across Pennsylvania.. halfway across Ohio..
Julie Kotter: Why only halfway?
Mr. Kotter: Well.. one day this van pulls up with these two guys. They throw him into the van, and they give Herbie the most savage beating I ever heard. They.. they go medieval on his ass, with a pair of pliers! And the whole time, they’re singing that song by The Archies..
Julie Kotter: “Sugar, Sugar”?
Mr. Kotter: Yeah, yeah. So, the whole time Herbie’s laying there, it’s like: “Sugar..” [ mimicks punching ] “Sugar, Sugar..” [ mimicks more punching ]
[ suddenly, a pair of Hit Men rush into the apartment and point theirguns at Mr. Kotter’s face ]
Hit Man #2: Cool it, bitch! [ holds out his gun, but him and his buddy are suddenly gunned down from the window ]
[ the Sweathogs appear at the window, guns smoking fresh from the attack ]
Barbarino: [ near-hyperventilating ] Oh, my God, Mr. Kotter, I thought you was gonna die, I swear!
[ cut to standard “Welcome Back Kotter” opening sequence, John Sebastian singing “Welcome Back” ]
[ SUPER: Quentin Tarantino’s Welcome Back Kotter ]
[ “Welcome Back” scratches off, replaced by George Baker Selection’s “Little Green Bag” from the movie “Reservoir Dogs” ]
[ cut to the Sweathogs and Mr. Kotter walking through their Brooklynneighborhood like street punks, introduced one by one: Barbarino, Horshack, Washington, Epstein, and Mr. Kotter ]
[ music fades, cut to exterior, Brooklyn High School ]
[ fade to interior, Mr. Kotter’s classroom ]
Mr. Kotter: [ entering ] Good morning! Good morning! I want tothank you Sweathogs for saving my life this morning..
Epstein: Hey there! It’s the least we could do, there, Mr. Kotter!
Horshak: Mr. Kot-tare. We’ve got a sur-prise for you. Look! [ the Sweathogs move towards a cloth-covered lump in the middle of the classroom ] Frederick?
Washington: [ peels off the cloth to reveal Mr. Woodman underneath ] Hi, there!
Horshak: It’s Mr. Wood-man! [ smacks the struggling Mr. Woodmanacross the face ]
Mr. Kotter: Listen.. you can’t tie up your principal!
Epstein: It’s okay, there, Mr. Kotter! [ dances to the front ofthe classroom ] I got a note!
Mr. Kotter: [ takes the note and reads ] “Dear, Mr. Kot-tare. Please allow Juan and his friends to tie up Mr. Woodman, and go medieval on his ass. Signed, Epstein’s Mother.” [ to Woodman ] He’s got a note. Barbarino, take off his gag.
Barbarino: What?
Mr. Kotter: His gag.
Barbarino: Where?Mr. Kotter: His mouth Take off the gag.
Barbarino: Who?
Mr. Kotter: Mr. Woodman!
Barbarino: Alright! You don’t hafta shout. [ removes Woodman’s gag ]
Mr. Woodman: You’ll pay for this, Kotter! You and your Sweathogs! You better let me go, or I’ll kill you, Kotter!
Barbarino: Are you finished? [ puts gag back over Woodman’s mouth, ignoring his muffled screams ] Washington.
Washington: [ reaches down, picks up a container of gasoline, and pours it over the screaming Woodman ] Hi, there!
Mr. Kotter: You can’t light Mr. Woodman on fire! You’ll burn down the whole school!
Epstein: It’s okay, Mr. Kotter, I got another note!
Mr. Kotter: Would you get out of here with your notes!
[ Barbarino starts dancing to Stealer’s Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You” ]
Barbarino: You can scream all you want, Mr. Woodman.. but you’regonna die! I swear! [ singing ] I said, “Bar-bar-bar,bar-barbarino..” Hit it, Horshak.
Horshak: Mr. Wood-man. You don’t look so good! [ does his laugh ]
Mr. Kotter: [ lights match ] Sorry, Woodman. School’s out.
Epstein: Goodbye, there, Mr. Woodman. If there’s a bigger, moredisgusting person on this planet, I’d like to see it.
[ suddenly, Lenny and Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley” enter the classroom, brandishing weapons of their own ]
Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny: Alright, nobody move! If one of you walks to me, everybody dies!
Barbarino: Hey! Up your nose with a rubber hoses!
Squiggy: Yeah? Well, up your gizzard with a rubber lizard!
Lenny: That’s good. Did you just make that up?
Squiggy: I made it up in the car..
[ Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs” suddenly makes his entrance into theclassroom, pointing his gun at all of them ]
Mr. Pink: Okay! Up your hole with a mellow roll!
[ gunfire breaks loose everywhere, sending everyone to the floor, as the title superimposes onto the screen, and the show fades to black ]
Air Date:
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon, “Green”
