[ Milton sits at a desk in a small room, overcrowded by stray boxes ]
Milton: Um.. I told Bill if they put one more box in here, I’m quitting. Um.. because I was told this stuff was suppossed to go in the priner room.. and-and.. and it’s a fire hazard. Um.. because, according to city regulations, there’s supposed to be a sprinkler system or a fire extinguisher on each floor. [ picks nose ] And I told Don, too, because I could make one call to the fire marshall and have this entire building shut down.. um-um.. if they don’t comply with the regulations. Um.. because when they installed the new refrigeration system, they took out the fire extinguisher a-and they never put it back! S-so, if they put one more box in here, I could have Don arrested.
[ distant footsteps approach the door ]
Mover’s Voice: So, where do you want this stuff?
Bill’s Voice: Uh.. just go ahead and throw it in there?
[ Milton raises his finger in quiet protest ]
Milton: W-well..
[ headphone-wearing mover appears in the doorway ]
Mover: In the closet here?
Bill’s Voice: Uh, no – in there on the left.
Mover: [ peeks into Milton’s “office” ] In here?
[ Bill appears behind the mover, casually holding his cup of coffee ]
Bill: Yeaaaah. Anywhere is fine.
Mover: Alright.
Milton: Um.. but.. w-well..
Bill: Oh, and, uh.. Bob?
Mover: Yeah?
Bill: If you’ve got any more boxes up there – yeeeeah – just go ahead and toss them in here. That would be terrific.
Milton: Um.. um..
Bill: In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and move all that junk up in the printer down here. It’s just taking up space. Mmmkay?
Mover: Alright.
Bill: Alright, thanks a bunch, Bob! Buh-bye! [ exits down the hall ]
Milton: Well..
[ the mover sings along to Kansas’ “Carry On My Wayward Son” on his walkman, as he dumps a couple of boxes onto a filing cabinet, destroying some of Milton’s belongings in the process ]
Milton: Excuse me..
[ his job finished, the mover flips the lights off as he exits down the hall ]
Milton: W-well.. okay, then. But.. I’m gonna blow up the entire building. And.. weaken the structure.
Gino…..David Spade Amy Tompkins…..Helen Hunt Frank Prescott…..Michael McKean
[ open on wide shot of a movie set, as actress Amy Tompkins enters with Gino the stagehand ]
Gino: You sure I can’t get you any breakfast, Amy? Coffee, or anything?
Amy Tompkins: No, nothing. I think I’m just.. a little nervous about meeting Mr. Prescott.
Gino: [ pours himself a cup of coffee ] Oh. Frank? He’s a great guy – best director I’ve ever worked with.
Amy Tompkins: I just love his movies! when I was a little girl, they showed “Beloved Stranger” on TV… and it really changed my life.
Gino: Great movie; great.. film.
Amy Tompkins: It made me want to become an actress. All of his films have this.. wonderful understanding of women’s emotions!
Gino: Absolutely. He’s kind of a man’s man in a lot of ways, but, uh.. he’s great with actresses, and I think you’ll like him. [ looks off screen ] And, I think.. he’s coming right now.
[ Director Frank Prescott and his sheer presence enters the set ]
Frank Prescott: Hey, Gino!
Gino: Morning, Boss!
Frank Prescott: How ya’ doin’? Give me some sugar here! Ha ha! [ gives gino a bear hug ] Who’s your pretty friend?
Amy Tompkins: [ flattered ] Amy Tompkins, Mr. Prescott!
Frank Prescott: Ah, I know who ya’ are! I was just teasin’ ya’! You happen to be, in this ol’ hack’s opinion, one of the finest actresses workin’ today!
Amy Tompkins: Oh, Mr. Prescott!
Frank Prescott: Ah! Frank.
Amy Tompkins: Frank. Amy.
Frank Prescott: Amy. [ turns his head ] Gino!
Gino: Boss!
Frank Prescott: Let’s get Peter and Skip to look at the line-up, alright?
Gino: Fly it in!
Amy Tompkins: I just want you to know what an honor it is to work with you.
Frank Prescott: Listen, I’d just like to thank you for giving me this chance. I know you pulled some strings to get me on this picture, and.. I.. I sure do appreciate it. [ he ambles over to his director’s chair in front of his crew ] Mornin’, boys!
Crewmembers: Boss! How ya’ doin’? Etc.
Frank Prescott: Let’s make a movie! [ swills alcohol from a metal flask in his jacket, then turns back to Amy ] O-kay. Now, the son of a bitch hasn’t called you in threee weeks, so you’re gonna call him because you’re afraid you might be knocked up and you’re pissed off! And, action!
[ Frank saunters casually over to his director’s chair, as Amy stands on the lighted set feeling a little overwhelmed ]
Amy Tompkins: Um.. could I just have a minute?
Frank Prescott: We’re just walking through it for the camera, honey.
Amy Tompkins: I know, I know. I just, um.. [ clears her head ] Okay. So, uh, should I enter from the kitchen and then go to the phone?
Frank Prescott: Oh, I don’t care where you come from, sweetie – my shot starts at the phone. Alright? Annnnnndd.. action! [ leans into his answering machine ]
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Amy Tompkins: [ frustrated, sighs ] “Damn answering machine! You bet I’ll leave a message at the beep!”
[ farting sound effect is heard off-camera; Frank’s surrounding crew breaks into laughter, as Frank turns to smile and laugh with them ]
Frank Prescott: One of you boys bring a tree frog with you to work with you this morning? [ continues to laugh, then gets serious ] Alright, alright.. let’s go, Peaches – from where you’re leavin’ the message! And, action!
Amy Tompkins: Uh, Frank? Could I start from the top, please? From the dialing?
Frank Prescott: Aw, geez.. [ to a stangehand ] Check that cable, will ya’? [ walks over to Amy ] Yeah, honey, uh.. the movie’s not about dialing, you see? It’s about your pretty puss. [ brushes her cheek ] Alright?
Amy Tompkins: Yeah.. yeah. I’d like.. I’d like to do it from the top, please! Please? It would.. help me get a handle on it!
Frank Prescott: [ looks at his crew ] Alright, the lady needs a handle on it. Well.. o-kaaaaay. [ makes another farting sound effect with his mouth as he returns to his chair ] From the top, then. And.. act-ion!
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Frank Prescott’s Voice: I got something with a handle on it for her!
[ Frank and his crew laugh off-camera, as Amy looks up confused ]
Amy Tompkins: What?!
Frank Prescott: I was talkin’ to my crew, missy! Tryin’ to find out if this shot’s gonna work or not. [ walks over to her again ] You know something? It’s 7:35 a.m. By this time, most professionals got a little something on film! Now, I know you’ve had a couple of hits in the past few years, but I’ve accidentally inhaled more film than you’ve ever had your face on!
Amy Tompkins: I’m not sayin’ —
Frank Prescott: Now, let’s just collect ourselves and take it again, shall we, little girl? [ returns to his director’s chair ]
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Frank Prescott’s Voice: With a big handle on it!
Amy Tompkins: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can’t do this!
Frank Prescott’s Voice: [ walks over to Amy ] Uh-oh, uh-oh! Check your calendar, boys, I think we got a little female lunar inadequacy here! [ chuckles with his crew ]
Amy Tompkins: [ fuming ] Mr. Prescott! You are without a doubt, the most obnoxious, vile and stupid man I’ve ever encountered on or off the sound stage! I went out on a limb for you, and now I feel like a fool! I can’t believe I —
Frank Prescott’s Voice: Roll ’em, Gino!
Gino: Rolling!
Frank Prescott’s Voice: [ takes his seat again ] Amy! Action!
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy chargedly grabs the phone and dials ]
Amy Tompkins: Damn answering machine! You bet I’ll leave a message at the beep! Eddie? Are you there? We’ve gotta talk about something, Eddie! Something that could put two lives on hold for quite a while! And we’ve gotta talk about trust, Eddie! And responsibility! And.. just call me, Eddie! You owe me that much! [ slams the receiver down, breaks into a continuous sob ] I’ll be waiting..!
Gino’s Voice: Annnnnndd.. cut!
[ the entire crew applauds Amy’s performance ]
Amy Tompkins: Oh, my God! I’m shaking!
Gino: That’s great, that’s a print.
Amy Tompkins: Oh! I never knew what that scene was about before! [ rushes over to Frank ] Frank! Thank you! Bless you! [ Frank doesn’t respond because he’s out cold ] Is he alright?
Gino: Oh, yeah. I don’t think, uh, we’ll get much more out of him today, though. Hey, uh, you want me to all your driver?
Amy Tompkins: Uh.. sure. Is he always like this.
Gino: Yeah. That’s why he doesn’t get more work. He’s great with actresses, though.
Amy Tompkins: Yeah.. he really seems to understand. I’ll be in my trailer.
Steve Kangas…..Phil Hartman Ray Rio…..Rob Schneider Jack Killian…..Chris Farley Linda Coleman…..Helen Hunt Mack Panko…..Michael McKean Mr. Smith…..Norm MacDonald
Announcer: [ over program logo ] And now, “Profiles in Cowardice”. With your host, Steve Kangus.
[ dissolve to Steve Kangas, surrounded by his four guests ]
Steve Kangas: Hello again. Webster defines courage as “strength of will in the face of extreme danger.” With me tonight are five people who utterly lack that quality. Our first guest is a veteran of Operation Desert Storm, and his is probably the most.. remarkable story to come out of the Gulf War. Former U.S. Army Private first class, Ray Rio. Welcome to the show.
Ray Rio: Thank you.
Steve Kangas: Now.. you are the only U.S. serviceman.. to surrender to the Iraqis?
Ray Rio: That’s correct.
Steve Kangas: Operation Desert Storm was such a one-sided victory for us. Tell us how it is that.. you came to surrender. Where were you?
Ray Rio: I was in Union City, New Jersey. You see, I was actually on leave during the Gulf War.
Steve Kangas: And, who exactly did you surrender to?
Ray Rio: The owner of a news stand.. his wife.. and their 13-year old son.
Steve Kangas: And.. they were Iraqis?
Ray Rio: I don’t know for sure. When you’re in that situation, and you’re as big a coward as I am, you don’t wait to find out. I just handed over my dog tags, and told them as much military information as I could think of.
Steve Kangas: Well, I imagine this brought a lot of notoriety to you, didn’t it?
Ray Rio: Well, I was invited to the White House. Where I was slapped by Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf. And Barbara Bush spat at me.
Steve Kangas: And, how was it that President Bush referred to you?
Ray Rio: “Garbage wrapped in skin.”
Steve Kangas: Understandable. Our next guest is outdoorsman, Jack Killian. Now, Jack, I understand.. you have run in terror from over fifty bears.
Jack Killian: [ nods ] Yes, I have.
Steve Kangas: And, you have also run from a crocodile.
Jack Killian: Yes, I did. I-in Australia.
Steve Kangas: And I read that you have even run.. from a shark.
Jack Killian: [ smiling modestly ] Yes, uh.. I was standing on the beach, and I saw a fin about a hundred yards out. Well, I just turned around and ran and ran and ran, until I couldn’t run any more.
Steve Kangas: And how far did you run?
Jack Killian: [ thinking ] Umm.. about six miles. Uh.. a lot of it through heavy brush.. which I also found very scary.
Steve Kangas: What’s the smallest animal you’ve ever run from?
Jack Killian: Well.. that would probably be a baby chick, that was.. painted pink for Easter. I’m so G.D. terrified of that thing..
Steve Kangas: Have you ever run from children?
Jack Killian: Steve, I’ve run from children as young as six months.
Steve Kangas: Our next guest has a fascinating tale of personal weakness. Linda Coleman, tell us your story.
Linda Coleman: Well, I had just gotten divorced from my husband – he’s Iranian. And he kidnapped our daughter and took her back to Iran.
Steve Kangas: Wow! That must have been heartbreaking.
Linda Coleman: It was. I’ll never forget that day.
Steve Kangas: Now, what did you do?
Linda Coleman: What do you mean?
Steve Kangas: Well, did you ever go over there to.. get her back?
Linda Coleman: What, to Iran? Are you joking? This is Iran. Does this ring a bell? [ raises blouse over face and chants like a deranged Iranian woman, startling Jack Killian seated next to her ] I mean, come on! Get real! I can have other daughters!
Steve Kangas: Well, few mothers.. would have done what you did. Our next guest is retired police officer, Mack Panko. And, Mack, you were involved in a very dramatic case.
Mack Panko: Well, I wouldn’t say “involved”, no.
Steve Kangas: Well, tell us what happened.
Mack Panko: Alright. Uh.. twenty years ago, I was walking through Flatbush in Brooklyn, and, uh, I saw this woman being attacked.
Steve Kangas: Ooh, so what did you do?
Mack Panko: I froze.. and I-I hid between two parked cars until I was sure the attack was over.
Steve Kangas: Then, you.. called the police?
Mack Panko: No! I was terrified the attacker might be watching.
Steve Kangas: Well, you were off-duty, so you didn’t have your gun.
Mack Panko: Yes, and no. Funny story about that. I, uh, was actually returning a gun I had borrowed from a friend.
Steve Kangas: So, you did have a gun?
Mack Panko: Yeah! you know, I guess I did!
Steve Kangas: Now, that is a Profile in Cowardice. Our final guest is in the Witness Protection program, so his appearance has been electronically altered. We’ll just call him Mr… Smith.
Mr. Smith: [ his face digitally blurred, but still adequately recognizable ] No, no, not Smith!
Steve Kangas: Oh, sorry! Okay, uh.. Mr…. S.
Mr. Smith: [ shakes his head ]
Steve Kangas: Uh.. how did you wind up in the Witness Protection program? Did you testify against mob figures?
Mr. Smith: No, no. I just heard about the program on TV, and, uh.. it seemed like a great idea. I didn’t know if anybody was after me or not, but.. better safe than sorry!
Steve Kangas: Uh-huh. How’s it working out for you?
Mr. Smith: Well, I’m not too crazy about living in Memphis — [ winces ] Oh, geez!
Linda Coleman: Ha! Memphis? Try Iran. Hello? Iran? [ raises blouse over her face again and chants like a deranged Iranian woman. She startles Jack Killian seated next to her, who bolts off-screen to escape his terror ]
Steve Kangas: Well, I see our time has run out – as has Mr. Killian. I’d like to say thank you to my remaining guests, and I hope you’ll join us next time on.. “Profiles in Cowardice.”
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. You’ll never guess who is in my apartment right now. I’ll give you a hint. I’m mad about her. That’s right it’s Helen Hunt. Come here bubala let me touch that ponnum. It’s like buttah.
Helen Hunt: Hello Linda.
Linda Richman: So P.S Long story short, Helen and my dawter Robin went to the theatrical summer camp in the Catskills together. And this one practically moved in.
Helen Hunt: They became my family my mishputkha. I never met a family so colorful.
Linda Richman: That’s a nice way for saying Jewish. Come on I kid. Why? Because I love. My Helen here is a quarter Jewish.
Helen Hunt: I’m Methodist and Jewish. I’m a
Both: Mushu!
Linda Richman: Helen I’m so proud of you. Look at you. You’re a big muggy mug with the stuff of the golden globes. I remember the first day you got your period.
Helen Hunt: Linda, you promised you wouldn’t embarras me.
Linda Richman: Do your Paul Reiser impression.
Helen Hunt: No
Linda Richman: Do It!!
Helen Hunt: Quite frankly soup’s a good thing but I also like fish. This is what I’m saying.
Linda Richman: Look at her she’s so adorable. I want to eat you up and have you come out of my shoot. Let’s get down to buisiness. It’s Oscar time, and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated.
Helen Hunt: Linda, she didn’t make a movie this year.
Linda Richman: I do not care. That is not the point.
Helen Hunt: But they did nominate a woman who directed this year Jane Campion for the piano. Ithink she has a big shot at winning.
Linda Richman: And you call yourself a quarter Jewish. The oscar goes to Stephen Spielberg for Schindler’s List. End of story. Capoot!
Helen Hunt: You’re right. Of course Schindler’s List.
Linda Richman: Ach, Stephen Spielberg. I don’t care if he married a shixa. He could marry ten shixas all with pug noses for all I care. What that man has done as a filmaker and as a jew, it’s remarkable. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The chick pea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss! There I feel better.
Helen Hunt: Well I think they should give best actress to Holly Hunter for the piano.
Linda Richman: To be honest with you, I didn’t get that movie and why she was nominated for best actress, I will never know.
Helen Hunt: Linda, are you kidding me? That was one of the most demanding female roles in recent history. Holly Hunter had to communicate through a character that was so mute.
Linda Richman: Mute schmute, she didn’t have to memorize a single word. All she had to do was show up, braid her hair, and fartic. Stalker Channing, she may be a long shot, but at least she had lines. She talked from the beginning of the move to the end of the movie. She had alot to say to the fresh prince. Alright let’s go the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Helen. I just wanted to say I’m mad about you!
Helen Hunt: Thanks. That was sweet.
Linda Richman: That was cute.
Caller #1: Anyway my question is this. Does anyone mistake you for Linda Hunt?
Helen Hunt: No, no they don’t.
Linda Richman: Does anyone ever tell you to go to hell and hunt?
Helen Hunt: No they actually don’t.
Linda Richman: Okay next caller. Welcome to Coffee Talk you’re on the air. Hello?
Caller #2: Hello Helen. Who would you vote for best supporting actor?
Helen Hunt: John Malkovich for the Line of Fire. I though he was so brilliant and so scary he gave me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink.
Linda Richman: Don’t get me started, Malkovich terrifyed me. I felt like fulnkn gestapha heliorahn helroshing hullishing en shmaza en my cappie. You know what I’m saying.
Helen Hunt: I’m only a quarter Jewish so I only know a quarter of what you said.
Linda Richman: Okay we have time for one last call. The number is 555-4444. Hello?
Caller #3: Hello Helen. What are you doing for Oscar Night?
Helen Hunt: I’m actually going to the Oscars.
Linda Richman: Oye I’m dying. I’ve never met anyone that’s going to the academy awards. It’s 6 degrees separate from me and oscar.
Helen Hunt: Linda, are you getting verklempt again.
Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give yes another topic. Durane Durane is neither a Durane nor a Durane. Discuss. There I feel better. Okay that’s all the time we have this week. My guest has been Helen Hunt. Again I’m mad about you.
Helen Hunt: And I’m mad about you.
Linda Richman: You look great in beige. How one person can look that good in that vercockhta color. I will never know. There you have it goodnight.
Intercom: This concludes the safest part of our journey. Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. As we indicated at the start of the flight, we at Total Bastard Airlines are bitter about the career paths we have taken, and we do then to take that out on our passengers. We at Total Bastard Airlines realize that in your travel plans you have a choice of many airlines, but we’d like to thank you for flying the blue skies of Total Bastard.
Steward: Okay, here we go – thanks for flying with us, buh-bye. Buh-bye! Thanks, now. Buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Hey, you live here in Pittsburgh?
Passenger 1: Uh.. no, actually, I –
Steward: Buh-bye! Buh-bye.
Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me –
Stewardess: Buh-bye. I’m sorry, what part didn’t you understand – the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: Hi, I’m getting a connecting flight to Denver, and I was wondering if you know the gate?
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: Yeah, I’m.. I’m just about..
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: But if you just wait..
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. You’re very heavy.
Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!
Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said “Buh-bye!” I just said “Buh-bye” 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn’t make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Hi, I was just wondering –
Steward: No, no, no – buh-bye! Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Excuse, me.. hello! You have been rude to me..
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: ..the entire flight –
Stewardess: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: No! I wanted a blanket,
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: and you never –
Stewardess: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: ..you never brought it to me –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: And I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: You are so rude!
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will never fly –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: This is ridiculous!
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Screw this!! [ exits plane ]
Steward: Thanks for coming, buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Today! Peg-leg!
Stewardess: Ah, good, good.. I guess this is the part of the trip where we all wait for you! How fun! Okay. Buh-bye.
Passenger 6: [ on crutches ] I’m sorry, I just broke my leg –
Steward: How strange! I swear she said “Buh-bye”, yet I still see your mouth flapping!
Passenger 6: Yeah, but I –
Steward: Ah, there it is again, the flapping mouth, how odd. I want to see motion, movement, buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Okay, take care. Sorry about the leg. Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: I’m gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!
Steward: Great! Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: No, no, no, there’s more! I’m gonna pound your face in.
Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: I’m gonna destroy you.
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!
Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 8: Yeah, I –
Stewardess: Knock-knock.
Passenger 8: Who’s there?
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 8: Uh, I don’t get it.
Stewardess: There’s nothing to get. Buh-bye.
Passenger 9: Excuse me, could you tell me where the baggage claim will be?
Stewardess: Mmm.. your baggage.. right.. what was it I wanted to tell you about your baggage? Oh, yeah – nobody cares, buh-bye!
Steward: Buh-bye.
Passenger 10: Hi, uh, could you arrange for me–
Steward: Buh-bye.
Stewardess: Yeah, buh-bye.
Passenger 10: I have this carry-on, and I was just wondering –
Steward: Here’s me: “Buh-bye.” Here’s you: “I wanna say something important!” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m Joe Carry-on, let me through, I’m a big man. I don’t check nothing.” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m cool, I wear a suit, no way am I a loser.” Well, you’re wrong, now buh-bye!
Stewardess: Hi, what are you listening to?
Passenger 11: Hits from the seventies.
Steward: Whoa, the 70’s! I love the 70’s! [ singing ] “Awww, buh-bye!” “C’est bye! Buh-bye!” “Do the buh-bye!” [ whistles ] “Do the buh-bye!” “That’s the way, buh-bye buh-bye, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!”
Stewardess: Okay, okay, show’s over, folks, let’s move! Buh-bye! Let’s pick this thing up, let’s go for it. One.. two.. three.. buh-bye!
Steward: Bye bye, thanks a lot. Cattle. [ pikcs up phone ] Security. We’re coming off the plane now. Can we have an escort through the terminal. Thanks. Buh-bye!
Coffee Talk Linda Richman (Mike Myers) chats with old family friend Hunt. Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Snoop Doggy Dogg performs “Gin & Juice”
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon Dick Vitale (Jay Mohr) makes his Oscar picks. Bennett Brauer’s (Chris Farley) finger quotations makes him airborne. Recurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.
…..Kevin Nealon Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman Bono…..Adam Sandler
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon!
[dissolve to video of Kevin wearing a figure skaters dress, spinning in a circle. Cut to the Weekend Update set. Applause]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, Im Kevin Nealon.
Smokers and tobacco industry workers marched on Washington Wednesday to protest a proposed cigarette tax hike. [As Kevin turns to watch the video played on the screen behind him, coughing sound effects are heard] The protestors, however, unexpectedly disbanded after two blocks due to emphysema.
Russian president Boris Yeltsin angrily cancelled a meeting with Richard Nixon this week after Nixon met with political rivals in Moscow. Yeltsin had scheduled this meeting with Nixon in hopes of showing the Russian people what an unpopular president really looks like. [photo of an elderly Nixon]
Well, Biosphere 2 started up again this week, and the budget for the experiment has been drastically reduced. In fact, this ones just two guys under the sneeze guard of a Sizzlers salad bar.
And the tabloid television hit a new low this week as NBCs Stone Phillips interviewed Jeffrey Dahmer, and ABCs Diane Sawyer met with Charles Manson. And in perhaps the scariest interview, MTVs Kurt Loeder did a one-hour special with Yanni.
In other TV news, the controversial same-sex kiss on Roseanne propelled it to #1 in the Nielsen ratings last week. Hoping for a similar ratings boost for tomorrows McLaughlin Group, Jack Germond will soul kiss Morton Condracke.
Kevin Nealon: You do what you gotta do.
At last weeks Grammy awards, Frank Sinatra was rudely cut off before completing his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement Award. Here to finish the speech he started, please welcome Old Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra.
[polite applause as Frank enters]
Frank Sinatra: Thanks, Chevy.
OK, heres the rest of my speech: Thanks for the award. Drive home safely. Good night.
Kevin Nealon: The Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentlemen. [Kevin gives Frank a standing ovation; applause]
The Supr- The Supreme Court ruled in favor of 2 Live Crew this week for the rappers to parody the classic rock song Oh Pretty Woman. Legal experts knew it was going the way of the rap group when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg interrupted with a question and Clarence Thomas said Shut up, ho.
Heres a quick look at the Doppler radar. [picture of a large satellite dish] There you have it.
In entertainment news, Kurt Cobain almost reached Nirvana this week. [applause]
And on Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals could march in Bostons St. Patricks Day parade, causing sponsors to cancel the event. A spokesperson said organizers of the parade which normally attracts loud, drunken revelers were afraid to include anyone who might cause a disgrace.
Kevin Nealon: Interesting. And now, here with a St. Patricks Day song is U2s lead singer, Bono. Bono, whaddaya got?
[pan to Bono; applause]
Bono: Thank you! For too many years, St. Patricks Day has gone hand-in-hand with reckless consumption of alcohol. But is doesnt have to. I hope this song helps you find other fun things to do this year.
[plays his guitar, singing along]
Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh Nuh-haaaaa, Nuh-haaaaa,
Sometimes its fun to slide on the kitchen floor in a new pair of socks. Sometimes its fun to paint dots on your face and tell people you have chicken pox. Sometimes its fun to make a castle out of pudding, chocolate or butterscotch. Then its fun to take that pudding and rub it all over ex-Mayor Koch.
No doing beer bongs, no Jägermeister shooters, No head-butting your mom, no grabbing your cousins hooters. Dont get wasted this St. Paddys Day. Nuh-haaaaa
Sometimes its fun to have a staring contest until somebody blinks. Sometimes its fun to send a bar of soap to a girl you know who stinks. Sometimes its fun to go to the arcade and try to get high score on Zaxxon. Sometimes I watch The Karate Kid where the guy from Happy Days says wax on.
People listen to me for goodness sake! You dont need a beer, just have yourself a Shamrock Shake. So green and creamy! Green and creamy I Dream of Jeannie Veal scallopini Shirley Feeney Nuh-haaaaa
No more getting wasted, no more getting silly. No more waking up with two naked guys from Chile. For Gods sake, stay sober on St. Paddys Day.
Thank you very much.
Kevin Nealon: Bono, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you Bono. Makes a lot of sense.
Well, a new study shows that traffic lights may not give senior citizens enough time to cross the street. The problem is worse for men over 65, because many cant walk that fast with their pants pulled up to their chests.
Alright, lets take a look at temperatures around the country: 88, 45, 52, and 76.
Fruit of the Loom announced it will close its Franklin, Kentucky plant next month. The company will cut 180 jobs, including 179 assembly line workers and Inspector #34.
In the Big Apple, New Yorks Empire State Building will soon be made accessible for the physically disabled. A spokesman said among other things a wheelchair ramp will be installed. The ramp will begin at Central Park, leading 26 blocks to up to the buildings observation deck.
Theres been so much snow in New York City, many vehicles have been completely snowed in. Fortunately, all the cabbies are safe. Crews just look for middle fingers sticking up through the snow.
Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon, and thats news to me.
…..Nancy Kerrigan Mayor Duffy…..Phil Hartman Driver…..Kevin Nealon Drunk Dude…..Chris Farley A Kerrigan Fan…..Jay Mohr Inquisitive Guy…..Adam Sandler
(Mayor Duffy and Nancy Kerrigan seated on trunk of convertible with feet on back seat. In background a marching band (chroma keyed) follows the car, crowd is seen on either side. Subtitle appears: Chipponsett Rhode Island then fades out)
Mayor Duffy: (in a thick Rhode Island accent) Miss Kerrigan, I cant tell you how much it means to this town that you came down here to be in our parade.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hey, it’s St. Patricks Day, how could I say no?
Mayor Duffy: Ah no, you dont understand, Miss Kerrigan. This [bird? burg?] has been in the crapper ever since the fishstick plant burned down. Means a lot that a sports superstar would be here for us.
Nancy Kerrigan: Its my pleasure, Mr. Mayor.
Driver: He aint kidding, Miss Kerrigan, this town is like an old, dirty toilet bowl full of puke, and, you know, you being here is like a ray of sunshine or somethin.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thank…
(Drunk Dude runs up to the car spilling beer, yells)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! Irish number one!
Mayor Duffy: Get the hell outta here you damn pig!
(Mayor Duffy hits the Drunk Dude multiple times with his cane; Drunk Dude falls over and off camera)
Mayor Duffy: Oh my lord, that animal spilled beer all over you Miss Kerrigan.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thats ok; he didnt get much on me.
Driver: I think I might have run him over Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Oh you think its possible? Gee imagine if you ran over his neck so his spine shattered completely. Why, his head would flop around on his shoulders like a flounder on a dock, wouldnt it? (mayor laughs) A man can dream cant he Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Its ok; all he did was spill a little beer on me.
Mayor Duffy: And for that Im truly sorry Miss Kerrigan. For you to take time out of your busy schedule to come to a miserable, rat infested, armpit of a town like this, and have something like that happen to ya. It just breaks my heart.
(Kerrigan fan runs up to the car)
Kerrigan Fan: Hey hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Kerrigan Fan: Whats up?
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, not much.
Kerrigan Fan: Hey, you were good in the Olympics.
Nancy Kerrigan: Thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Hey pal, give Miss Kerrigan some breathing room, huh?
Kerrigan Fan: Hey was I talking to you chump?
Mayor Duffy: Alright, thats it! (Mayor threatens with cane, Kerrigan Fan runs off) You ok Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Sure, Im fine.
Mayor Duffy: Hey, some Johnny Walker Miss Kerrigan? (pulls a flask out of his jacket)
Nancy Kerrigan: No thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Well pardon me. I know Im just the mayor of a depressing, pus oozing, sewer of a town in Rhode Island, but I dont have any diseases, I can assure you that.
Driver: You ok back there Mayor Duffy?
Mayor Duffy: (Irish accent) Oh Tommy me boy, were having a grand old time back here. Well la di da Miss Kerrigan, happy St. Pats.
(Drunk Dude climbs up behind Mayor and Miss Kerrigan on the trunk of the car)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! (beat repeatedly on the head by the mayor) Son of a… (falls off the car)
Mayor Duffy: I thought I crippled him before. Hell be seeing cock-eyed for a few weeks Ill wager.
Driver: Aint that Danny Doyles kid?
Mayor Duffy: You know, I believe that was.
Driver: (laughs) Funny story Miss Kerrigan: last year we got that Andrew McCarthy kid from the movies as our grand marshal. He was acting a little high and mighty, you know? So Danny Doyles oldest son and a few of his friends took him out afterwards and beat the living hell out of him.
Mayor Duffy: (laughs) Them kids were so wasted out of their minds, they kept falling over as they were kicking the esteemed Mr. McCarthy in the head.
Driver: It was a sight to behold.
(Inquisitive Guy runs up to the car)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Inquisitive Guy: Hey, howd you get that job in the Olympics?
Nancy Kerrigan: You mean skating? I uh, practiced every day for like eighteen years.
Inquisitive Guy: (laughs) Seriously, howd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: I practiced.
Inquisitive Guy: Uh-uh. I asked you a question, howd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: Uh, my father knows the president of the Olympics.
Inquisitive Guy: Oh god, must be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Alright thats enough, back off! (waves cane at Inquisitive Guy)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey get that cane out of my face! (throws beer on Mayor and Miss Kerrigan)
Mayor Duffy: Argh!
Inquisitive Guy: Heres some for you. (throws some beer at Driver)
Mayor Duffy: Aw geeze. Well, it wouldnt be St. Paddys Day if you didnt get soaked with beer before noon, hunh Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Right.
Mayor Duffy: You gotta love it.
Driver: So Miss Kerrigan, you think your fathers friend could get my son a job at the olympics?
Mayor Duffy: Pipe down there Tommy.
Driver: Nice day for a parade Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Aww, it surly is. I just wish we could keep driving right the hell out of this foul, nauseating, garbage dump of a town.
Driver: Yeah, it would be nice, would be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Forget this hell on earth even exists.
Nancy Kerrigan: But youre the mayor.
Mayor Duffy: Well, a man can dream Miss Kerrigan, a man can dream.
…..Nancy Kerrigan Male Audience Member 1…..Dave Attell Male Audience Member 2…..James Downey Male Audience Member 3…..Fred Wolf Male Audience Member 4…..Norm MacDonald Oksana Baiul…..David Spade Translator…..Michael McKean Female Audience Member 1…..Sarah Silverman Male Audience Member 5…..Jay Mohr Male Audience Member 6…..Tom Davis Female Audience Member 2….. Jeff Gillooly…..Rob Schneider Tonya Harding…..Melanie Hutsell Shawn Eckhardt…..Chris Farley
Nancy Kerrigan: Thank you very much, thanks, thanks, thank you very much, thanks (speaking over applause). Its a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Before we begin Id like to clear something up. When I was at Disneyworld, on the float with Mickey, what I actually said was, “This is the horniest thing Ive ever done.” (much audience laughter) But the real reason Im happy to be on the show tonight, this is my chance to get some things off my chest. Im here on live TV, uncensored, and Im ready to talk. So, go ahead, no topic is off limits, ask me anything you want about the last few months. (turns to acknowledge audience member) Over here?
(Male Audience Member 1 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 1: Yeah, I dont know how to say this so Im just gonna ask, what exactly is an axle? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well ok, an axle is the only jump that takes off going foreword. You jump from one outside edge of one skate, and you land on the outside edge of the other skate. Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 2: Umm, can I ask you a question about Tonya Harding?
Nancy Kerrigan: Sure.
Male Audience Member 2: Are you jealous of Tonya Harding (much audience laughter), I mean you work so hard all your life and then she just steps in and wins 5 gold medals. (much audience laughter)
Male Audience Member 2: Di..did I say Tonya Harding? I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) Are you jealous of Bonnie Blair?
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, no I was really happy for Bonnie Blair, shes great.
Male Audience Member 2: Oh
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 3 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 3: Yeah, uhh, I think its very brave of you to come out here tonight and talk about Tonya Harding, I cant believe youve been quiet this long. Now, I have a question about speed skates, why are they longer than regular figure skates? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well
Male Audience Member 3: I mean it seems like you could go faster on shorter skates.
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I dont know the physics of it, but I think the longer skates give you more leverage. Uhh yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up again)
Male Audience Member 2: Uh yeah, I have another question, uhh, after all this, do you hate Tonya Harding? I… (puts hand to head)…I did it again, I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) I… Ive got Tonya Harding on the brain.
Nancy Kerrigan: No, I dont hate Bonnie Blair; I just said that shes great. But I would like talk about whats happened to me recently. Uhh yes over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 4 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 4: Yeah, I got a question, uhh, wasnt it great that, after falling all those times, Tonya Harding finally won a gold?
Nancy Kerrigan: I think you mean Dan Jansens gold.
Male Audience Member 4: Yeah. Dan Jan… didnt I say Dan Jansen? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: No, you said Tonya Harding.
Male Audience Member 4: Geeze, now hes got me doing it.
(shot of Male Audience Member 2)
(much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, yes over here. (turns to acknowledge two audience members)
(Translator and Oksana Baiul in audience standing up)
Translator: (Russian accent, translating) She says, she says she does not speak English, and nothing you say is making any sense, because the language youre speaking is not the language she is speaks in her country.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Female Audience Member 1 standing up in audience)
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, can I ask a question about that whole knee thing?
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, please go ahead.
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, uh, what makes the human knee bend? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, its a ball and socket joint that swings kinda like this. (swings arm to demonstrate) Yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 5 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 5: Uh yeah, I have a question.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.
Male Audience Member 5: Not for you, for the girl who asked about the knee. (much audience laughter)
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah?
Male Audience Member 5: Look, if youre really interested about the knee, I got this great book that explains like the whole leg. (much audience laughter) So if you want it, I…I can talk to you after the show.
Female Audience Member 1: Great.
Male Audience Member 6: Umm yeah, I…I…I have a question about Tonya.
Nancy Kerrigan: Let me guess, Tonya Roberts, right?
Male Audience Member 6: No, Tonya Tucker (much audience laughter), do you think shes had a rough life being married to Glenn Campbell?
Nancy Kerrigan: I dont really know. Yeah? (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Female Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)
Female Audience Member 2: Hi, is it true that because of the Martin Lawrence monologue, hosts are now only allowed to take questions from the audience?
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, thats true. Over here (turns to acknowledge three audience members)
(Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding, Shawn Eckhardt in audience stand up)
Tonya Harding: Yeah, uh, (much audience laughter) we have a question.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.
Tonya Harding: Uh, whos hosting the show next week?
Jeff Gillooly: Yeah, do they need someone to host (much audience laughter), I mean we could… you know (gestures to Tonya and Shawn Eckhardt) (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Uhh, I think they have a host. Ok weve got a great show, Aretha Franklin is here (audience cheers), so stick around well be right back.
Air Date:
