Baker…..Patrick Stewart Young Man…..Rob Schneider Gay Guy 1…..Tim Meadows Gay Guy 2…..David Spade Woman…..Julia Sweeney
[ young Man enters Sexy Cakes bakery ]
Baker: Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.
Young Man: I walk by this place, I never thought I’d go inside it.
Baker: Well, I think you’ll find that it’s a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.
Young Man: Yeah, my friend’s having a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.
Baker: Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party. [ opens box ] Oh, what about this one. What do you think?
Young Man: Looks like a woman going to the bathroom.
Baker: Yeah! It’s very sexy!
Young Man: What else do you have?
Baker: Oh, I understand.. it’s not, perhaps, your cup of tea. Perhaps, maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley. [ opens box ]
Young Man: This is the exact same cake.
Baker: No, no, no.. this is chocolate.
Young Man: Yeah, but it’s still a woman going to the bathroom.
Baker: Exactly! [ customers walk in ] Oh.. could you excuse me for a moment?
Gay Guy 1: Hi, we’re here to pick up our cake.
Gay Guy 2: [ sighs ] Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.
Baker: Right. [ retrieves cake ] I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well, I think you’ll enjoy the results.
Gay Guy 1: Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.
Baker: Yeah, it’s very exciting, isn’t it? That’ll be $15.
Gay Guy 1: We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.
Baker: Yeah, I know.. I guess you could say I sexied it up for you! No extra charge.
Gay Guy 2: [ whispering to his buddy ] The party’s tonight.. [ to Baker ] We’ll take it.
Baker: Thank you! [ customers leave, returns to Young Man ] Uh, you’ll have to excuse me, it has been like this all day.
Young Man: What other types of cakes do you have?
Baker: Well, why don’t we take a look at our catalogue.. [ opens catalogue ] Now, you see this, it shows every sexy, titilating cake we offer. Oh, now here’s a woman squatting behind some bushes – the leaves are made of spun sugar. And.. [ laughs ] ..here’s a lady using a little mazipan port-o-potty.
Young Man: So, all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?
Baker: Yeah. What’s your point?
Young Man: Well, don’t you have anything else?
Baker: Maybe you don’t understand – this is an erotic bakery.
Young Man: I’m sorry, I just don’t find this very erotic.
Baker: A woman gonig to the bathroom, you don’t find it erotic?
Young Man: No, not really.
Baker: Well, then, what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?
Young Man: I don’t know.. people having sex.. female and male genitalia.. you know, something like that.
Baker: Well, if that’s what you’re after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee!
Young Man: Can’t you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?
Baker: Alright, look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.. I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom. And, that way, you’ll be happy, and your friends will be happy.
Young Man: I don’t think my friends would like that, either.
Baker: Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime.
Young Man: Look, could we just have a cake with sex and no going to the bathroom?
Baker: May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?
Young Man: I’ll tell you what – just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.
Baker: [ closes catalogue abruptly ] I’m sorry. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Young Man: Why?
Baker: This is some kind of joke, isn’t it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?! You get out! Go on, get out of here, young man!
[ Young Man runs out of the bakery ]
[ Woman enters bakery ]
Woman: Hi. Um.. it’s my fiance’s birthday.. um, can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?
Satan: I swear by all that is evil, vengeance shall be mine! The hosts of Heaven will kneel before me and lick my boots!
Underling 1: How will you do it, sire?
Satan: You puny spawn of monkey sweat! You miserable bucket of pus fluids! You dare to question me?!
Underling 1: No, sire.. I only..
Satan: Silence, you fetted pile of insect saliva! How will I reap vengeance?! I will unleash the hordes of Hell on God’s earth, and all will bow down before me, their true King! I will devour them as I do.. this grape! [ laughs evilly while chewing the grape, but starts to choke on it ] Oh, God..! I can’t breathe..! The grape is stuck..! [ coughs it up ]
Underling 1: Master, are you alright?
Satan: Silence!! [ gasps ] The juice.. the juice from the grape hit the wrong pipe.. the wrong pipe.. somebody, please help..! [ recovers ]
Underling 2: Don’t feel embarrassed, sire, that happens to everybody – even the Lord of Hades.
Satan: Silence, you whining welch! You dare address me as an equal!
Underling 2: But, Master, I was worried about you.
Satan: Worried?! Worried?! Better to worry that I will change your blood to fire! That I will.. I will hit you.. you know.. on your head!
[ fiery background music trails off ]
Underling 1: Okay, that one started out strong, but kind of trailed off. Plus, earlier.. the fetted pile of insect saliva? How exactly would you pile saliva?
Underling 3: Yeah, that one kind of threw me, too, you know? I mean, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know, because you’re the master of the whory netherworld there, but, uh.. now, after that grape thing..
Satan: You dare mock me?!
Underling 2: You know, in the future, any one of us would be happy to prechew your grapes.
Satan: Are you mad?! Do you know what you are flirting with?! I will feed your steaming organs to all the hounds of Hell! I will watch your eyes burn.. til the cows come home!
Underling 3: Til the cows come home?
Satan: Sweet Lucifer! Do my ears deceive me, or did you just question my word of choice?
Underling 3: Oh, alright, sorry.. go on.
Satan: Go on?!Go on?! As if I was some prattling schoolboy?! You tell me to go on?! The serpents of Hell will urge me to go on as they watch me feast on your bloody entrails!
Underling 3: Oh, will you feast on my bloody entrails until, uh.. the cows come home?
Underling 2: You know, I, personally, would not move on to chewing bloody entrails until I mastered grapes!
Satan: This just cannot be! You monkey warts! You.. you maggot monkeys! I will slice open your monkey bellies, and your blood will spill from your monkey bowels!
Underling 1: You know what occurred to me? Just think how empty that sentence would have been without the word “monkey”.
Satan: [ angry ] What?!
Underling 2: Easy, big fellow!
Satan: Big fellow?! You dare address me as anything but Lord of Evil, or, at the very least, Master of Darkness?!
Underling 1: Or, how about, Lover of the Word Monkey?
Satan: What?! [ at a sudden loss of words, struggles to express his thoughts coherently ]
Underling 2: [ mimics Satan ] Sputter! Sputter! Sputter! What’s the deal! Say it, don’t spray it, Chief!
Satan: [ aghast ] Am I dreaming, or did somebody just say to the Magnificent Hellbeast, the all-powerful Lord of Darkness, “Say it, don’t spray it?!”
Underling 3: Hey, is it just me, or does the big guy here essentially just repeat everything we say, except all incredulous?
Satan: [ stunned ] Well, this is something.. I am speechless. No, seriously! I am in awe! I snap my fingers, and you are.. monkeys! [ snaps fingers ]
[ underlings now appear as three monkeys, who continue to laugh at Satan ]
Underling 1: What a surprise, we’re monkeys.
Underling 2: Oh, this is terrible. Instead of people burning in Hell, we’re monkeys burning in Hell. What a step down.
Underling 3: Smart move not turning us into grapes!
What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man.
I wanna take a minute or two, and give much respect due To the man that’s made a difference in my world And although most men are ho’s he flows on the down low Cuz I never heard about him with another girl But I don’t sweat it because it’s just pathetic To let it get me involved in that he said/she said crowd I know there ain’t nobody perfect I give props to those who deserve it And believe me, y’all, he’s worth it. So here’s to the future cuz we got through the past I finally found someone that can make me laugh (Ha ha ha) You so crazy I think I wanna have your baby.
What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man.
My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass A body like Arnold with a Denzel face He’s smart like a doctor with a real good rep And when he comes home he’s relaxed with Pep He always got a gift for me every time I see him A lot of snot-nosed ex-flames couldn’t be him He never ran a corny line once to me yet So I give him stuff that he’ll never forget He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps He’s not a fake wannabe tryin’ to be a pimp He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans He’s a God-sent original, the man of my dreams
Yes, my man says he loves me, never says he loves me not Tryin’ to rush me good and touch me in the right spot See other guys that I’ve had, they tried to play all that mac sh– But every time they tried I said, “That’s not it” But not this man, he’s got the right potion Baby, rub it down and make it smooth like lotion Yeah, the ritual highway to heaven From seven to seven he’s got me open like Seven-Eleven And yes, it’s me that he’s always choosin’ With him I’m never losin’, and he knows that my name is not Susan He always has heavy conversation for the mind Which means a lot to me cuz good men are hard to find.
What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man.
D.J.: Check it out! Now, all the ladies in the house that got a good man If you got a good man, then you should understand. Ladies, say, “Ah-ah.” (Ah-ah!) Now, come on scream!
[ screams ]
Salt-N-Pepa: “My man gives real loving that’s why I call him Killer He’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, he’s a thriller He takes his time and does everything right Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night He’s a real smooth brother, never in a rush And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch Spends quality time with his kids when he can Secure in his manhood cuz he’s a real man A lover and a fighter and he’ll knock a knucker out Don’t take him for a sucker cuz that’s not what he’s about Every time I need him, he always got my back Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that.
What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man What a man, what a man, what a man, What a mighty good man.”
Patrick Stewart: Ladies and gentlemen – Salt-N-Pepa!
Salt-N-Pepa: “Hey, yeah – I wanna shoop, baby.”
D.J.: “Yes, indeed! Once again, it’s the place to be! It’s Salt-N-Pepa in the house We want everybody to help us out! All crowd participation in the house! Come on, come on, clap your hands to the beat! Come on, just clap your hands to the beat! Everybody, clap your hands to the beat! Somebody screeeeam!”
[ screams sounds, as the lights go up ]
Salt-N-Pepa: Here I go, here I go, here I go again Girls, what’s my weakness? (Men!) Ok then, chillin’, chillin’, mindin’ my business Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn’t believe this I swear, I stared, Simone as my witness The brother had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda…oooh Wicked, wicked – had to kick it I’m not shy so I asked for the digits A ho? No, that don’t make me See what I want slip slide to it swifty Felt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricks Then I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks for him Lick him like a lollipop should be licked Came to my senses and I chilled for a bit Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do So well it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop.
Ummm, you’re packed and you’re stacked ‘specially in the back Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? If looks could kill you would be an uzi You’re a shotgun – bang! What’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang? Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover Like Prince said you’re a sexy mutha- Well-a, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile Smooth black skin with a smile Bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun Come and give me some of that yum-yum Chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna…
Well let me bring you back to the subject, Pep’s on the set Make you get hot, make you work up a sweat When you skip-to-my-lou, my darling Not falling in love but I’m falling for your.. When I get ya betcha bottom dollar you were best under pressure (Yo, Sandy, I wanna like, taste you) Getcha getcha lips wet cuz it’s time to have Pep.
On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop To the next man in the three-piece suit I spend all my dough, ray me, cutie Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams You make me wanna scream, “Oooo, oooo, oooo!” I like what ya do when you do what ya do You make me wanna shoop.
Oh, my goodness, ooh come and look at him He is the cutest brother in here And he’s comin’ this way! Oooo!
S and the P wanna get with me But I’m wicked, G, hit skins but never quickly I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it (smell it) They want my bod, here’s the hot rod (hot rod) Twelve inches to a yard (damn) and have ya soundin’ like a retard (yeah) Big ‘Twan Love-Her, six-two, wanna hit you So what you wanna do? What you wanna do? Mmmm, I wanna shoop.
Patrick Stewart: I have no illusions why I’m here tonight. It’s because of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Well, thank you very much, but I have a confession to make. When I was first given the role of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I pretended to take it all in my stride.. I was so cool in interviews, I claimed never to have seen the original classic Trek. But it was all an act, because, inside, I was so ecstatic.. I was delirious. You see, not only am I probably the biggest “Star Trek” fan of all time, but, well, as my friends can tell you, I am virtually an encyclopedia of “Star Trek” facts and trivia.
Well, now, for example, listen.. Here’s a fact I bet you don’t know. On the original show, the name of the spaceship was not the “Star Trek”! No, no, it was, in fact, the “Enterprise”. Now that’s true. Now, all right, here’s another one: Everyone knows that the part of Captain James M. Kirk was played by William Shiner. Then, of course, later he was to become very famous as the Six Million Dollar Man. But how many of you here know which actor played the chief medical officer, Dr. McCray, who was, of course, otherwise known as Boney? You give up, don’t you? Well that was Forest D. Kelley. Well, perhaps you knew that one, but can you name to me the ship’s other medical officer? You see, because, of course, there were two. You see, you’re stumped. You are forgetting Dr. Spock. Now you remember, right? He was the pointy-eared creature, you know? Half-human, half-volcano, and he was forever tormenting old Boney with his cold volcano logic. Alright, here’s another bit of trivia. Did you know that another “Star Trek” character, Captain Sulu, was the first black woman ever on television?
Anyway, being the “Star Trek” trivia maniac that I am, well you can imagine my feelings when I first learned that I won the role of Captain Picard. I felt a kinship, you know, with all those unforgettable legendary chartacters – Kirk, Boney, and especially Spock, and I even know… well, I wrote a note to Leonard Portnoy, but I guess he never received it. Anyway, Leonard, if you’re watching, this is for you:
“Outer Space: The Last Frontier.
These are the trips of the Star Trek Enterprise. Its five year plan calls for us to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly fly where no man has gone in space. Live long, and be happy.” [ makes a boy scout sign ]
Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Salt N Pepa is here! Stick around, because we’ll be back!
Captain Jean-Luc Pitard…..Patrick Stewart Data…..Rob Schneider Deanna Troi…..Julia Sweeney Worf…..Phil Hartman Number One…..Chris Farley Charo…..Melanie Hutsell Tog…..Al Franken David Brenner…..Adam Sandler Joan Rivers…..David Spade Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura Geordi…..Tim Meadows Doc…..Bernie Kopell
[ open on space imagery ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Captain’s Log: Stardate 45944.7 We are scheduled to pick up several special passengers at Starbase 8.
[ dissolve to close-up of Picard and Data at the Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Estimated time of arrival, Mr. Data?
Data: At present warp speed, 1.7 hours, Captain.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Very good, Mr. Data! Set a heading.. for romance.
[ wide shot reveals Picard bracing a cruise ship’s steering wheel among the spaceship setting ]
Data: Sir?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: You heard me, Data. Set a course.. [ dons cruise ship captain’s hat ] ..for love!
[ dissolve to theme and montage footage from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” The model of the Starship Enterprise is combined with a model of the Pacific Princess. ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Love. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Pacific Princess. Its continuous mission to explore passion, and boldy go to romantic ports of call.
[ pot up theme from “The Love Boat” ]
[ logo: “The Love Boat: The Next Generation” ]
[ SUPER: “Starring your Love Boat Crew” ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Jean-Luc Picard as Your Captain”, Picard looking out with binoculars and smiling ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Data as Your Android Purser”, Data leaning off the inside rail ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Geordi La Forge as Your Bartender”, Geordi surrounded by mixed drinks and assortments and doing the traditional Isaac double-point ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Worf as Your Security Officer”, Worflooking displeased as he grips his metal wand ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Deanna Troi as Your Cruise Director”, Deanna turning around nd smiling as she clutches her itinerary ]
[ anchor lifts, reveals “Number One as Number One”, Number One playfully pointing his lasers ]
[ SUPER: “Created by Gene Rodenberry and Aaron Spelling” ]
[ dissolve back to the deck, tight shot on Deanna Troi and Data ]
Deanna Troi: Data, are you looking forward to the Valentine’s cruise?
Data: St. Valentine. A Christian martyr, beheaded on February 14th, by the Roman empire. Curious. A beheading commemorated by the display of affection. I do not understand the human emotion of love.
Deanna Troi: Oh, Data.. there’s more to it than that. Don’t you agree, Worf?
Worf: To a Klingon warrior, beheadings are romantic.
[ Captain Picard enters ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Number One! Are the passengers ready to board?
Number One: Yes, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Energize!
[ Charo and a casually-dressed space alien are beamed onto the ship. Deanna Troi approaches them ]
Tog: Charo! Charo, what are you doing here? I thought you were cancelling yor ticket!
Charo: I thought you were cancelling your ticket!
Tog: And waste twelve bars of gold-pressed latinum?! I’d rather share a cabin!
Charo: Captain! We just broke up! We need an extra bed in the room!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Make it so, Number One.
Number One: Aye-aye, Captain.
[ Number One exits with Charo and Tog ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: [ to Deanna Troi ] Counselor. Are you picking up anything? They seem like a cute couple.
Deanna Troi: I sense strong animosity between them, Captain, which hides a deeper passion. Also, I believe he intends to steal towels.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf, alert Housekeeping.
Worf: Yes, Captain. [ exits ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data? Energize.
[ Joan Rivers and David Brenner are beamed onto the ship ]
Deanna Troi: The ship’s entertainment, Captain – David Brenner and Joan Rivers.
David Brenner: Hey, uh, did you ever notice when they beam you onboard, your underwear rides up on ya’? It’s like an intergalactic wedgie!
Joan Rivers: Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho! Look at this place, what a dump! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Who was my travel agent – Darth Vadar! Ah-ha-ha!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Sulu? Take their bags and show them to their room!
Mr. Sulu: Aye-aye, sir.
[ Sulu exits with Joan Rivers and David Brenner ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data. Explain.
Data: Captain. The female, Joan Rivers, is a renowned comedienne, and home-shopping personality. However, my memory banks show no record of a David Brenner.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm..
[ dissolve to footage of Starship Enterprise/Pacific Princess soaring through space, over triumphant theme music ]
[ dissolve to the outdoor lounge area, where Geordi watches from the bar. A casually-dressed human stands at the bar,his back to the audience. ]
Geordi: Oh, what’s wrong, Doc?
Doc: Well.. [ the audience recognizes Bernie Kopell and applauds enthusiastically ] You know those two Cardassian twins I’ve been chasing?
Geordi: Mmm-hmm.
Doc: They turn out to be male! Very attractive, though. It’s a crazy world, Isaac.
Geordi: That’s Geordi.
Doc: Right! Sorry.
[ Worf, carring a shuffleboard pole, passes by Doc and Geordi, and stops as he approaches Captain Picard ]
Worf: Captain, you wish to see me?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! The passengers have been complaining that you keep beating them at shuffleboard.
Worf: I must defeat all who oppose me, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: But, Worf. Old women and children?
Worf: The weak and the cowardly have no place in shuffleboard, sir!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! Let the passengers win! Now, that’s an order!
Worf: [ fuming ] Ohhhh.. very well!
[ Captain Picard leaves Worf fuming, as he approaches Charo and Tog seated unhappily at a table ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: So. Have you two patched things up?
Charo: He snores, Captain!
Tog: Well, she urinates through her skin like a shark!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm.. [ steps away to a quiet area of the deck ] Guinan! Please report to the Aloha Deck!
[ Guinan materializes ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Guinan! These two are still bickering.
Guinan: Captain, my man! What seems to be the problem?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Do you have any idea how we can bring these two together?
Guinan: Aw, yeah, baby! Guinan got all the answers, heh heh heh heh! They got to get in touch, with what’s keeping them from touching, you dig? You see, what they need is to —
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Picard to Bridge! Get her out of here, quickly!
Bodyguard Jenson…..Patrick Stewart Bodyguard Ted…..Phil Hartman Michael Jackson…..Tim Meadows Female Clubber #1…..Ellen Cleghorne Female Clubber #2…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on exterior, China Club, a line forming to the street on a typical Saturday night ]
[ dissolve to interior, bar area, as ]
Bodyguard Jenson: So.. this is the club you picked.
Bodyguard Ted: Yes. I was told by some very reliable sources that this dance club is the popular choice of many single women.
Bodyguard Jenson: Well, I certainly hope you’re right. I’ll get Mr. Jackson. [ into walkie-talkie ] Rogers. This is Jenson. Inform Mr. Jackson that there are several attractive women in attendance.
Bodyguard Ted: [ doubting the night’s intentions ] I don’t know, Andy.. is this gonna work? I mean, it’s so soon after the settlement..
Bodyguard Jenson: Listen to me, Ted – Operation Pedophile Not is.. is the centerpiece of the Michael Jackson image makeover. It’s got to work!
Bodyguard Ted: [ looking ] Oh. Here he is.
Bodyguard Jenson: Michael. Michael, over here. Okay, Michael, you can see everyone from here!
Michael Jackson: You know, Jenson, there’s only one thing I’m looking for – a hot honey I that can knock boots with! Right, fellas? Knockin’ boots?
Bodyguard Ted: Well, there certainly are some very hot adult chicks here, for you to “knock boots” with.
Michael Jackson: [ excited ] Yeah! Hey, look, guys, I don’t even care if they are hot. If M.J. don’t get some Tang, he’s gonna go crazy! [ looking at women around the bar ] Now, look at her dance! Hey, what’s up, baby Yeah! You gonna be mi-ine..
Bodyguard Jenson: Mmm. Good start, sir.
[ Michael notices Female Clubber #1, and moves in for the kill ]
Michael Jackson: Hi!
Female Clubber #1: [ half-hearted ] Hi. [ though slightly curious ] Are you Michael Jackson, or some.. [ afraid to say it ] ..impersonator?
Michael Jackson: No, baby, I am Michael Jackson. Believe me, I could do things to you that no impersonator could ever do!
Female Clubber #1: [ intrigued ] Yeah? Like what?
Michael Jackson: Huh..?
Female Clubber #1: What could you do to me that no Michael Jackson impersonator could do?
Michael Jackson: [ struggling ] Um.. I.. uh.. um.. uh.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Do you like llamas?
Female Clubber #1: [ confused by the shift in conversation ] I don’t know.. I guess so..
Michael Jackson: Well.. I got a llama.. and a monkey.. and some reindeer.. baby! you know what I could do right now? I could call Toys ‘R’ Us, have them make everyone leave, and then we can go there and play with all the toys.
Female Clubber #1: No-oh-oh.. not tonight..!
Michael Jackson: You know, we could go to my house and play with my wild animals. I bet you’re the kind of girl who likes wild animals!
Female Clubber #1: Uh-huh..
Michael Jackson: What would you use to tame me? Would you use a whip, or a chair, or some kind of reward or something?
Female Clubber #1: [ more confused ] A reward..? Like.. candy, or something..? I really don’t know.. is this going somewhere..?
Michael Jackson: [ breaks into tears ] I don’t know..!!
Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you to his Neverland ranch and petting zoo sometime in the near future. [ hands Female Clubber #1 a pass card ] And, good day. [ ] Not bad, Michael, you’re doing okay.
Michael Jackson: I know, Jenson.. it’s just, that it’s 1994, and I’ve yet to score! [ an attractive woman breezes past Michael ] Hey, what’s up, bitch! [ attractive coldcocks Michael across the face ] Ow! Okay.. I deserved that..
Bodyguard Jenson: Mr. Jackson? Mr. Jackson, are you alright? We could go back to the ranch..?
Michael Jackson: No, no, Jenson.. ol’ Mike wants to get some trim! And he’s not leaving until he gets some! [ spots Female Clubber #2 sit at the bar ] Hey, girl!
Female Clubber #2: [ flustered by the celebrity’s presence ] Oh.. Hi! I-I-I just want to tell you, that I’m a huge fan and I-I-I always will be!
Michael Jackson: Thanks, baby! So, wat’s your name?
Female Clubber #2: Theresa!
Michael Jackson: Theresa. That’s a sexy name – like MaCauley!
Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?
Michael Jackson: Um.. do.. do you want to dance?
Female Clubber #2: Oh! I’d really be honored if you’d dance with me!
Michael Jackson: Sure. But, you know what? I’m a better dancer when I’m laying down!
Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?
Michael Jackson: Um.. I, um.. I’m a good dancer.. in.. the bed..
Female Clubber #2: What are you talking about?
Michael Jackson: Um.. between the sheets.. in.. when.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Um.. so, you like ferris wheels?
Female Clubber #2: [ stupified ] Yeah, when I was, like, twelve! [ chuckles ]
Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you and a guest to Neverland ranch and petting zoo. [ Female Clubber #2 walks away ] Thank you. [ hands Female Clubber #2 a pass card ]
Bodyguard Ted: Mike, maybe we should try another club. I’m sure your luck will change..
Michael Jackson: Yeah, guys, I.. did learn one thing from this: “Live, from New York, it’s..” uh.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] “..Saturday Ni-ight!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 19: Episode 12
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: February 5th, 1994 Patrick Stewart Salt-N-Pepa Bernie Kopell Operation Pedophile NotSummary: To counter the growing perception that Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) prefers the company of small boys, two of his bodyguards (Patrick Stewart, Phil Hartman) take him out on the town to meet women. Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson. Note: Exterior footage of the China Club is brought back repeatedly between 1995-1998 for the recurring Roxbury Guys sketch. Transcript
Patrick Stewart’s MonologueSummary: Patrick Stewart demonstrates his not-so-exceptional knowledge of “Star Trek” trivia. Bio: A stage veteran of England’s Royal Shakespeare Company since 1966, Patrick Stewart (1940-) has spent the past seven seasons as Captain of the Starship Enterprise in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Transcript
Philadelphia Action FiguresSummary: With new play set, the gay discrimination movie is now fun for all ages. Transcript
Phil McCracken, Scottish TherapistSummary: Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist (Patrick Stewart) tries to resolve the anger of All Things Scottish proprietor, Stuart Rankin (Mike Myers). Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.
Sexy CakesSummary: To his own personal delight, all of a baker’s (Patrick Stewart) erotic cakes feature images of women going to the bathroom. Transcript
Salt-N-Pepa perform “Shoop”Bio: Salt-N-Pepa (Sandy “Pepa” Denton, Spinderella, Cheryl “Salt” James) was the first important all-female rap crew. They got their name from a line from their 1985 song, “The Show Stopper”, which they performed as Super Nature. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonNote: A rare Weekend Update with no guest commentaries, and clocking in at under five minutes. Transcript
The Love Boat: The Next GenerationSummary: Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) and his space crew assist Charo (Melanie Hutsell) and her estranged alien lover (Al Franken) in intergalactic romance. Recurring Characters: David Brenner, Joan Rivers, Mr. Sulu. Transcript
The Cosby MysteriesSummary: Mush-mouthed Bill Cosby (Adam Sandler) plays a detective who comes out of retirement to solve murders. Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.
HellSummary: In the bowels of Hell, underlings (Rob Schneider, David Spade, Norm MacDonald) hassle Satan (Patrick Stewart) after he chokes on a grape. Recurring Characters: Satan. Transcript
Show & Tell with Surgeon General Joycelyn EldersSummary: Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders (Ellen Cleghorne) shows a visible rectum to impressionable school children. Recurring Characters: Joycelyn Elders.
It’s Not Their FaultSummary: On her new morning talk show, Leslie Abramson (Julia Sweeney) interviews famous defendants who she sees as the real victims of the crimes they committed. Recurring Characters: Leslie Abramson, Tonya Harding, Slobodan Milosevic.
[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.
[Video of Bill Clinton delivering a speech] PresidentClinton opened the European summit sessions inBrussels this week and everyone agreed it went like adream. Especially, Secretary of State WarrenChristopher. [Video of Christopher dozing off.] …[Kevin slowly manipulates his pencil to make it lookas if he is shoving the eraser up Christopher’s nose,then tapping the sleeping man on the face] …
[Photo of two gigantic sumo wrestlers] The presidentalso met with Boris Yeltsin in Russia this week and–… I’m sorry. That’s the wrong picture. That’s, uh,actually Roseanne and Tom Arnold celebrating his newdeal at CBS. …
[Photo of Bill Clinton holding a saxophone] Later thatevening, Yeltsin surprised President Clinton with asaxophone and asked him to play. Clinton obliged byplaying “My Funny Valentine” and, after a few vodkas,Yeltsin played “The Beer Barrel Polka” by squeezinghis hand in his armpit. …
The president told Russians this week that the U.S. istheir “buddy.” He added that, if Russia gives up allits nuclear weapons, the U.S. will be their bestfriend. … Something to think about.
In a new Esquire Magazine poll, women eighteen totwenty-five think Vice President Al Gore would behotter in bed than President Bill Clinton. But theyDID think Clinton would be hotter in a car.…
Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that bothNancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to theOlympics in Norway next month. However, in light ofthe recent events, Harding will be sent immediately tothe penalty box for high-sticking. …
In any event, the Nancy Kerrigan story continues tofascinate America. Here with a comment is Updatecorrespondent Norm MacDonald. Norm?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Norm in a brownsuit.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Well, uh, like allof you, I was absolutely horrified by the assault onskater Nancy Kerrigan last week. No one can possiblycondone the idea of clubbing a young woman on the kneelike that. But, on the other hand, ah, does anyonereally like figure skating? …
The person or persons responsible for this mindlessattack should be prosecuted to the fullest extent ofthe law. But it does seem like, uh, figure skating ison TV way too much. …
Now, I, for one, am beginning to feel that this brutalassault is more than an isolated incident. Our societyis rapidly falling apart. And this attack is justanother symptom. Like that, uh, Brian Boitano guy. Imean, what the hell is the story with him? …You know? If he’s such a good skater, why doesn’t hejust play hockey? …
In any case, I think it’s time that we come togetheras a society and make it clear that we’re not gonnatolerate thugs solving their problems with violence.And we’re not gonna tolerate TV executives who make uswatch hours and hours of figure skating when there aregood hockey games not even being televised! …
Now, I’m not gonna get into that age-old argument of”Which is worse? Violence or – or figure skating?” …I mean, that’s not gonna solve anything. They are bothunacceptable and they should be eliminated! …
And then maybe one day we’ll live in a world where wecan walk our streets without being terrorized and wecan watch our TVs without seein’ that Brian Boitanoguy hoppin’ around. … Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: Norm MacDonald, ladies andgentlemen. [cheers and applause] The Norm MacDonaldguy.
Defense Secretary Les Aspin opened more combat rolesfor women this week by allowing them to preform–perform duties previously considered too dangerous.Those include: fighting in ground combat, serving intank units, and photocopying for Bob Packwood….
[Photo of twins Eric and Lyle Menendez wearing theirtrademark pullover sweaters] A mistrial was declaredin the Eric Menendez murder case this week when jurorssaid they were hopelessly deadlocked. Prosecutors saythey’ll retry the case with new, previously unseenevidence. Defense attorneys say they’ll defend theirclient with new, previously unseen sweaters….
Well, the successfully repaired Hubble telescope hasenabled astronomers to identify a large population ofaging stars. This is a picture taken through theHubble before it was repaired. [Photo of star clusterin outer space] And this is a picture afterward. [Samephoto with image of actor Charles Bronson’s facesuperimposed] … An aging star is clearlyvisible.
In other sports news, the Buffalo Bills won the AFCdivisional playoffs today in New York, playing intemperatures thirty degrees below zero. Remarkably,the only serious injury occurred when Buffalo’squarterback Jim Kelly celebrated by dumping a block offrozen Gatorade on head coach Marv Levy. …
Here now with her personal news of the week, our newUpdate correspondent, Sarah Silverman. Sarah?
Sarah Silverman: Thank you, Kevin. [cheers andapplause for the young raven-haired beauty – Photo ofbride and groom] Well, Kevin, I guess the mostimportant event of this past week was, of course, thewedding of my sister, Susan Silverman, to JosefAbramowitz. It was a really neat wedding, too, youknow, ’cause they took each other’s last names andhyphenated it. So now my sister’s name is SusanSilverman-Abramowitz. But they’re thinking ofshortening it to just “Jews.” …
[Photo of Sarah’s father] Of course, my father was atthe wedding which was really awkward for me becausewhen I was fourteen, I actually dated my father’s bestfriend — which was so embarrassing for me, you know,my father having a fourteen-year-old best friend.[Photo of Sarah’s father with a fourteen-year-old boy]…
[Photo of Sarah’s doctor] Now, the day after thewedding, I went to the doctor to get a physical whereshe gave me a routine pap smear. Do you know what apap smear is, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: No, I’m – I’m not sure.
Sarah Silverman: Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s kindof like a throat culture only you don’t gag. Really,you know. … [thinks it over] … Unless maybe ifyou’re really short. … Then you might gag.
[Photo of Sarah’s friend] Now, the best– The nextbiggest item of the week was bumping into TallyStevenson, my best friend from high school, who Ihaven’t seen in five years. Her picture was on everypage of the yearbook. You know that type,Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Uh, I’m not really sure.
Sarah Silverman: Yeah, you do. You know, youknow, she spent the whole year going, [imitatesfriend, all smiles and posing] “DON’T take a pictureof me! Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed! Noooooo!”[buries her head on the desk for a moment, then whipsher head back grandly, hair flying, lips puckered,ready for her close-up] …
Kevin Nealon: Uh, Sarah, did anything elsehappen this week?
Sarah Silverman: Uh, yeah. Oh, well, I piercedmy boyfriend’s ear and, uh, Ukraine agreed to disarmall its nuclear weapons. That’s it!
Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Sarah. Sarah Silverman.[cheers and applause]
[Photo of Michael Jackson wearing a glittering bluejacket with gold epaulets] A Los Angeles jury decidedthis week that Michael Jackson did not steal his songs”We Are the World,” “Thriller” and “The Girl is Mine”from another songwriter. But they did find him guiltyof stealing his wardrobe from a high school drummajor. …
[Photo of newly engaged magician David Copperfield andmodel Claudia Schiffer] Well, it looks like DavidCopperfield has made Claudia Schiffer’s taste in mendisappear. … [some applause, Kevin isself-deprecating] Ohhh, just a little jealous, that’sall. …
New York City officials are banning cigarette ads oncity-owned phone booths. They say the ads encourageyoungsters to smoke after phone sex. …
A new university study shows that adults living withtheir older parents still have “generation gap”problems. Their biggest complaint is walking a date toher door and her father turns the porch light on byusing the Clapper. … [Kevin claps his hands a fewtimes] That’s a little of what it sounds like….
Alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has put herBeverly Hills home up for sale. She’s askingone-point-eight million dollars but interested partiesare invited to pull up to the curb and dicker.… [howls and applause, Kevin pretends not tounderstand the pun] Yeah! Never – never settle on theoriginal price. …
Much of the nation is being gripped by freezingtemperatures and blizzards, so we offer this advice tokids as a public service: Remember, your tongue is thesecond most painful body part you can freeze to aflagpole. …
I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.
[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes as we pull back and fadeaway.]
Air Date: