Month: October 2018

The Wave

Michael…..Jeff Goldblum
Julia…..Julia Sweeney
Braves Fan #1…..Chris Farley
Braves Fan #2…..Adam Sandler
Father…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Fulton County Stadium, Atlanta, GA ]

Michael: Oh boy, isn’t this amazing, honey?

Julia: Ah, it’s okay.. the game’s kind of slow.

Michael: Slow? This is the Play-offs! The ntire country’s watching us on TV.

Julia: I know.. it’s just..

Michael: Hey, hey! I got an idea! You’re gonna love this! Watch this! Ho!

Julia: What are doing?

Michael: Watch this! Just watch me! Alright.. everybody – Ho!

Julia: Michael..

Michael: Wait a minute.. this is gonna be great! Okay.. everybody! 1, 2, 3!

Everyone: Ho-o-o-o-o!!

[ the wave is launched ]

Michael: Did you see that, honey! Did you see what I did? Are you watching it? Are you watching it?

Julia: Oh, that’s great!

Michael: Oh, yeah, yeah. Look at that baby go! Here it comes again! Get ready, get ready! [ wave rolls past again ] Yeah! Pretty cool, guys, huh?

Braves Fan #1: Right! Go Braves!

Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave, the one I started, before? That was me.

Braves Fan #2: Oh, wow.. yeah, really.. you know what? Nobody cares!

Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave.

Julia: Honey, just calm down..

Michael: What? I’m just telling those guys. You know, I did start the thing, that was my idea.

Julia: I think they realize that.

Michael: Well.. okay.. [ pause ] Honey, listen, stand up and tell them I started that wave. You know, I did it for you.

Julia: I don’t think they care!

Michael: Well.. but they will if you tell them. You know, they’ll believe you. It’ll sound like I’m just tooting my own horn..

Voice in Crowd: Hey, hey, hey! Here it comes!

[ wave rolls past again ]

Michael: Yeah, see that? That was my work! That was me! They’re acting like waves just appear. Somebody has to take charge. Waves don’t just happen.

Braves Fan #1: Foul ball!

[ man next to Michael and Julia catches a foul ball, enjoying the praise from everyone around him ]

Michael: Fantastic. Congratulations. This guy catches a ball, everyone cheers. You know, I unite over 60,000 people, and nothing – to hell with me!

Julia: Just forget it..

Michael: Yeah.. you know what? You know what? The next time my wave comes by, don’t stand up! I’m stopping this wave! I gave it to them, I can take it away!

Julia: Honey, really, I.. I..

Michael: [ stands ] Hey, hey! Attention, everybody! I’m stopping this wave! Nobody stand! [ wave rolls past anyway ] That is my wave! That’s me! I did that! I did it! I did it!

Father: Would you, sir, mind keeping it down? My son and I are trying to enjoy the game. [ turns to his son ] Son, this is just like when my dad used to take me to the ball park..

Michael: Uh.. excuse me, excuse me.. No, that’s not exactly true, That’s not true, son.

Father: You talking to me?

Michael: Yeah, that’s right! This is not like when your dad took you to the ball park. Nowadays, people, like me, start waves, which makes the game more fun. Your son is having more fun now than you had with your father, because of me. I’m the reason. Can you see that?

Father: Can you get away from us?

Michael: Well, just teach the kid some gratitude. A simple, “Thanks for the great wave, mister” would suffice. Okay?

Julia: Honey, your wave stopped.

Michael: Oh.. well, good.

Julia: Good.. good.

Michael: If they think I’m gonna start another one, they can forget it! [ mulls ] I don’t believe this..

Julia: What’s wrong?

Michael: It’s just that, now would be a perfect time to start a new wave, and I’m the only one here who can sense that.

Julia: Well, if it’s really bothering you, then start one.

Michael: Oh, what, and be used again? Yeah, that’s be brilliant. No, no.. there’s gotta be something.. [ stands ] Da da da da da da!

Everyone: Charge!!

Michael: [ sits, smiling ] Ah, I’m a natural leader, what can I say?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network

Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr
Todd Bridges…..Tim Meadows
Crispin Glover…..David Spade

Announcer: It’s time for “Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network”.

Christopher Walken: Hello. I’m Christopher Walken. And welcome.. to Christopher Walken’s Psychic Friends Network. If you would like to be.. my psychic friend.. call this number now. I can tell you about.. money.. success.. love.. and romance.. or.. just hang out with you. All it takes is a phone.. and an open mind. No one will know. No one. I can tell you things about yourself. Things you don’t know. [ phone doesn’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling? You could be.. in grave danger.. and I can help you.. as your psychic friend. While we’re waiting.. for your call.. I’d like to introduce my first guest. It’s someone you already know. He was the star of the television series “Diff’rent Strokes”.. now, he’s my psychic friend. It’s Todd Bridges.

Todd Bridges: Hi, Christopher, it’s great to be here!

Christopher Walken: I know! Todd, tell us.. how you became.. a psychic friend.

Todd Bridges: Well, Christopher, I had just killed someone, and I was high on crack. And then, I called the Psychic Friends Network, and you let me know I was in grave danger.

Christopher Walken: Oh.. that’s wonderful, Todd.. we’re very, very proud of you. If you’d like to talk with Todd.. and be his psychic friend.. call now. Todd could come to your house.. and advise you.. but he can’t.. unless you call. [ phones don’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling Todd? Maybe you’re not at home. Call anyway. By the time you get home.. he could be there.. waiting for you. My next geust, you know. He was in the movie.. “Back To The Future”. It’s Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover: Hey, you.. it’s great to be here!

Christopher Walken: Crispin.. how did you become.. a psychic friend?

Crispin Glover: Well, Christopher.. I’m not really good at.. confrontations. So I called the Psychic Network, and you told me I was in great danger.

Christopher Walken: That’s nice, Crispin. If you’d like to know.. about future success.. money.. romance.. or.. great danger.. call us. Do it. No one.. will know. [ phones don’t ring ] I don’t understand.. why you’re not calling.

Todd Bridges: Well, Chris, maybe the audience should know we’re not the only members of the Psychic Friends Network.

Christopher Walken: Todd’s right.. there are others who can come to your house.. like Rick James.. the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. and Sean Young. Todd, Crispin, Rick and Sean, and the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. want to spend time with you.. at your house.. but they can’t do that.. unless you tell us where you live.. so, please.. call now.

Todd Bridges: I’d like a key to you house.

Crispin Glover: I’d like to be your soulmate.. [ laughs ] ..and have a key to your house.

Christopher Walken: We know. Call. Look, you’re wasting time.. we could be in your driveway by now. Me and Todd and Crispin.. waiting for you.. being.. your friend. [ phones don’t ring ] Look.. no one is calling.. I’m upset.

Todd Bridges: I’ll still come to your house.

Christopher Walken: Todd will still come to your house.

Crispin Glover: [ starting to crack ] Hey, you.. get your damn hands off me, right now!

Todd Bridges: I’ll go to your house.

Christopher Walken: No, Todd.. don’t go.

Todd Bridges: No, I want to go.

Christopher Walken: Don’t go.. Don’t go..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Karl’s Video Store

Karl…..David Spade
Man…..Rob Schneider
…..Jeff Goldblum
Mother…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fat Man…..Chris Farley
…..Steven Tyler

[ open on interior, Karl’s Video Store ]

Karl: Looking for a comedy?

Man: Um.. yeah.. maybe.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Meatballs 3”. Right above your left hand over there. No Bill Murray, but a great cast – good character development, lot of laughs, can’t go wrong – “Meatballs 3”.

Man: Ah, well, thanks, anyway.. but I don’t think that’s something I’d like.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. It’s your decision. Take a looksie. [ walks over to Jeff Goldblum in the store ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey..

Karl: Looking for a drama?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. I guess so.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Traces of Red”. Just got it in. Great cast – Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi.. good plot line.. good running time – 94 minutes, not too long, not too short – good film.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, I’m not sure about that one, but thanks very much.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. You’re the one watching it, not me, right? [ lauhs ] It’s your 94 minutes, right?

Jeff Goldblum: Right. Hey.. do you have, um.. “The Verdict”? I hear it’s very good.

Karl: Mmm.. “The Verdict”.. [ thinking ] who’s in that?

Jeff Goldblum: Paul Newman.

Karl: Yes. It’s right above your right hand, “The Verdict”, there you go. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it – it’s too preduicatable, you realzie halfway through he’s gonna win the case, no surprises.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, now I know how it ends.. so I guess I don’t have to rent it..

Karl: Alright, alright! I’m sorry. My fault! It’s your night. You’re the boss.

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah. Uh.. listen.. do you have, um.. do you have an adult section?

Karl: Sure! Pornos? Back corner! If you need any help, my name is Karl with a K. Give a yell.

Jeff Goldblum: [ comes forward to check out ]

Karl: [ notices Jeff staring at the celebrity photos onthe wall ] Okay.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. you see that? Lot of stars come in here, lot of stars all the time, in and out. I got all their credit card numbers – I don’t do anything with them. Okay.. “Children of a Lesser God”.. alright.. “Ladyhawke”.. Okay.. “On Golden Blonde”. [ suddenly recognizes Jeff ] Are.. you Jeff Goldblum? You’re Jeff Goldblum!

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.

Karl: Oh, my God! This is a great! No way! You, sir, are great! I am a fan. This is so neat for me, oh my gosh!

Jeff Goldblum: [ worried about his porno rental ] Could you just throw that in the bag..?

Karl: You know, do you have a glossy or smething, that I could put on my wall?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. fine.. but could you just go ahead and ring those right up..?

Karl: Oh, wow.. You know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot – big porn freak. Yeah. He likes the girl-girl stuff. Nice guy. I got his home phone number – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ enters, drops videotapes on the counter ] Hey, listen, um.. you recommended these, and these are horrible! You’re not gonna charge me for them, are.. [ notices Jeff Goldblum, gets excited ] Oh! You’re Jeff Goldblum?! I cxan’t believe you’re here!

Karl: I can, I can.. Lot of stars come in here all the time. Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago – rented “Car Wash”, loved it. Nice lady. I’ve got her address – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ looks through Jeff’s rentals ] So, what have you got here? Ooh, “Ladyhawke”, this is really good..

Karl: Oh, yeah, that’s not all..

Mother: [ holds up the porno, distraught ] Ohhhh.. this is disgusting!

Daughter: [ pointing ] Mom, is he a pervert?

Mother: Yes, he is. [ exits ]

Karl: Hey, listen, ignore her – she rented “Troop Beverly Hills” for three weeks. [ spins finger around his head ] Don’t listen to anything she says.

Jeff Goldblum: Well..

Karl: You were in.. “Into The Night”.

Yeah.

Karl: My 14th favorite movie.. 1985.. good set design, good costumes, good running time.. I am a fan. [ bows ]

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. thank you very much.

Karl: Tell me something?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah?

Karl: Between you, me, and the wall – did you and Michelle Pfeiffer, uh.. have a little off-screen.. [ whistles and winks ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey! I think that’s a personal question.

Karl: Alright, alright! None of my business. That’s your call. Hey, can I interest you in a rewind machine while you’re here? On sale, $19.95, Gabe Kaplan got two. Nice guy, rents “Faces of Death”, kind of weird.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, really? No, well.. you know.. when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button on my VCR..

Karl: Alright, alright! That’s your call. It’s your night. You’re the boss. George Carlin doesn’t rewind, but, God love him, he’s a busy man, I don’t charge him.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh.. well, that’s so nice of you.

Karl: Okay, well..

Fat Man: [ enters ] Excuse me..?

Karl: Yeah, uh, back corner.

Jeff Goldblum: Thanks! [ retreats to back corner ]

Karl: If you could just bring that glossy in here, a lot of stars come in here, I like to show off.

Jeff Goldblum: Will do.

Karl: Okay. Nice to meet you.

Jeff Goldblum: Nice to meet you. Thank you. [ heads for door ]

Steven Tyler: [ enters ] Excuse me? You work here?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. back corner.

[ Steven retreats to the back corner, as Jeff exits the store ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Subway Guitarist

Young Man…..David Spade
Guitarist…..Rob Schneider
Yuppie…..Jeff Goldblum
Harmonica Player…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, subway ]

[ fade to guitarist playing by the track, as a Young Man tosses some loose change into his open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ somewhat offended ] Hey, what are you doing?

Young Man: I just put some money in there. I’m a little bit of a musician myself.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t need your handout, man! I’m not a begger! I’m just playing here!

Young Man: Sorry..

Guitarist: Well, take your money back!

Young Man: Alright.. easy.. [ takes money back, walks away ]

[ guitarist continues playing, as a Yuppie walks by and tosses some loose change into the open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ again offended ] Hey, what are you throwing money in there for?

Yuppie: [ confused ] Well, you’re a street musician, right?

Guitarist: Yeah? So?

Yuppie: So, I’m giving you mnoey.

Guitarist: I’m an artist! I’m not doing this for money!

Yuppie: Then, why do you have change in there?

Guitarist: ‘Cause that’s where I keep my change! In my guitar case! There’s no law against it!

Yuppie: Okay. [ takes his change back, begins to read his newspaper while waiting for his subway car ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Please give me money
I’m very hungry.
Please give me money
So I can eat.
I don’t have another job
This is what I do for a living.
Please give me money
So I won’t starve.”

Yuppie: Here, go ahead and take it, you need it more than me. [ drops the loose change into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What the hell did I just say?!

Yuppie: Well.. you said that you’re an artist, and you’re not doing it for money.

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Yes.. but then you started singing, and you said you needed the money or you’ll starve. So.. please.

Guitarist: [ outraged ] That’s just a song, man! If I sing “Please Mr. Postman”, that doesn’t make you go out and deliver the mail!

Yuppie: Alright.. I guess not..

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Oh, I understand.. it’s just a song!

Guitarist: Yeah. So, take your money.

Yuppie: Alright. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“It wasn’t just a song
I rally need the money.
I was just to embarrassed
To let you give it to me.Please come back
And put the money in my case.
I’m not really an artist
I’m just a begger.”

Yuppie: [ throws the change back into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What are you doing? I saw that!

Yuppie: Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed, I understand everything now.

Guitarist: Understand what?! I told you not to throw money in there!

Yuppie: It’s okay. I heard your song. If you want, consider it a loan.

Guitarist: It’s just a song, man! I’m doing my next record about poor people! I’m just down here for acoustics!

Yuppie: Really? Are you sure? Because, you know, I thought your song was specifically telling me to give you money.

Guitarist: The song’s not about you! What are you, an egomaniac?

Yuppie: Fine. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Hey, you, mister
The one with the brown courderoy blazer.
And the black scarf
wrapped around your neck
I’m sorry I called you an egomaniac
I didn’t really mean it.
Please don’t listen to me
When I’m yelling at you
The stuff in the song
Is what’s really important
I’m still very hungry
Whatever you can spare would be very welcome.”

Yuppie: Here.. Listen.. my train is coming. I’ll just stand it right next to your case, you can keep it if you want, if you don’t want it, fine.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t want your money, you arrogant yuppie creep! [ throws the loose change into the subway ]

Harmonica Player: Hey, buddy? You mind if I play here?

Guitarist: Oh, sure, man! I’d love a little harmonica accompaniment.

[ singing ]

“Please go away
I’d rather play alone.
I was here first
You’re horning in on my action..”

Harmonica Player: Hey.. you want me to leave, I’ll leave.

Guitarist: Hey, no, this is great! That last chord you played was perfect, man! It was great!

[ singing ]

“I warned you once to leave
Now, I’ll have to kill you.When you’re not looking
I’ll push you into the next train.
They’ll never find your body..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Rock For Michael

Frank Gifford…..Phil Hartman
James Taylor…..Kevin Nealon
David Pirner…..David Spade
…..Steven Tyler
The Proclaimers…..Mike Myers, Norm MacDonald
Snoop Doggy Dogg…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Dre…..Ellen Cleghorne
Eddie Vedder…..Adam Sandler
The B-52’s…..Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney, Melanie Hutsell
Meat Loaf…..Chris Farley
…..Joe Perry

Frank Gifford: Good evening, I’m Frank Gifford. The sports world was rocked this week by the surprise retirement of Michael Jordan. In a last ditch effort to get him to change his mind, some of the biggest names in music have come together to record a hastily put together benefit song. Ladies and gentlemen – “Rock For Michael”.

[ cut to recording studio, littered with various recording artists ]

James Taylor: [ to “Fire And Rain” ]
“I’ve seen Magic, and I’ve seen Bird
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I’d see you play one more time again.”

David Pirner: [ to “Runaway Train” ]
“Runaway Mike, better come back
Got season tickets, can’t get my money back.
Don’t you know you’re so crowd pleasin’
Won’t you stick around one more season?”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play for the fans, and play for the cheers.
Play the Sonics, play the Knicks, too
Even the Celtics
We’ll still root for you!”

The Proclaimers: [ to “500 Miles (I’m Gonna Be)” ]
“I’ve seen you score
500 points
I want to see you score
500 more.
Just to be the man
Who could say he saw a man
Score 1,000 points
On the basketball floor.
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael, hey!
Michael, ho!
Michael Jordan!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg: [ to “Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)” ]
“Bow-wow-wow!
Yippie-yo, Yippie-yay!
Keep Jordan in the mother [ bleep ] house!”

Dr. Dre:
“Michael Jordan
Where you think you’re goin’?
With your tongue hangin’ out
And your bald head showin’!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg:
Don’t you know
You’re in a higher class?
So come on back
Before I pimp-slap your [ bleep ]!”

Eddie Vedder: [ to “Even Flow” ]
Even.. please don’t quit yet!
Even.. you’re the best dribbler!
Even.. who’s Pippen gonna pass to?
Even.. golf is so boring, oh, yeah!”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play against Isiah, play against Laimbeer.
Take the basketball ,throw it through the hoop
Do a 360
And slam an alley-oop!”

The B-52’s: [ to “Love Shack” ]
“If you stop playing, you’ll get as big as a whale!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!
Michael! Don’t forget your endorsement money!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!”

Meat Loaf: [ to “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” ]
“Michael, sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

Eddie Vedder:
“I gotta know right now!

Meat Loaf:
“Let him sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

All: [ to “Dream On” ]
“Play on, play one more year
Bulls can’t win without you
It’s very, very clear.
Play on!
Play on..!”

Steve Tyler:
“..Play on, Michael!
Michael, we want you to keep playing, and..”

Steven Tyler & Joe Perry: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

History’s Great Over-Thinkers

Host…..Jeff Goldblum
Thomas Edison…..Phil Hartman
Orville Wright…..Adam Sandler
Leonardo DaVinci…..Rob Schneider
Albert Einstein…..Mike Myers

[ show title card ]

Host: I.. I think so. [ looks up and notices the cameras have begun to roll ] Ahhh, hello! And welcome once again to “History’s Great Overthinkers”. Tonight: our distinguished guests are.. [ camera pans across each guest as their name is called, and they acknowledge the camera with a nod ] ..Thomas Edison.. Orville Wright.. Leonardo DaVinci.. and Albert Einstein. Arguably, the greatest overthinkers.. of all time. Tonight, I thought we’d start our program with the inventor of motion pictures, the phonograph and the light bulb – a true genius and great overthinker – Thomas Edison.

Albert Einstein: Well, I certainly-

Host: [ interrupting ] But, then I thought.. [ clears his throat ] ..why not begin with Albert Einstein? After all, he may be the greatest pure thinker in history. So, it would stand to reason that he’d also be the best over thinker. So, why not begin with him.

Albert Einstein: Vell.. in Germany-

Host: [ interrupting again ] But, then I thought.. uh.. maybe we should save our big gun for later, or maybe we could do an entire show on just Einstein himself – he’s certainly worthy of an entire show. So, why not start off with the inventor of the first self-propelled, manueverable airplane – Orville Wright. Orville?

Orville Wright: It’s a pleasure to be here-

Host: [ interrupting ] Ah.. I’m sorry, Orville – would you mind if Leonardo goes first?

Orville Wright: Uh.. no..

Host: ‘Cause, see, I was just thinking the audience might enjoy seeing Leonardo first, since he’s such a famous artist. And.. I also thought that an artist’s ideas should be set apart from three scientists’ ideas.. which makes me, uh.. think.. I-I should definitely save Leonardo for last.. Uhm Mr.. Edison.. why don’t we start with you? Mr. Edison, what was the most promising invention you ever backed out of.. because of overthinking?

Thomas Edison: Well, I had an idea for a car that runs on water.. but then I thought there already was a car that runs on gasoline.. and maybe the ideas were too similar. Of course, gasoline’s more scarce than water, but, although at the time, i-i-it wasn’t scarce at all–

Host: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. now I’m thinking I should have let Leonardo talk first, and just trusted my intuition. I was originally afraid of the fact that Leonardo doesn’t speak any English – might be distracting to the audience – but now I-I think it’s endearing. Leonardo? Why don’t you start first?

Leonardo DaVinci: [ mumbles in Italian ] The.. eh.. invencionne..

Host: [ interrupting again ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we’re out of time. I’m so sorry.

Leonardo DaVinci: Non potempo?

Host: Uhh.. no. No. This has been “History’s Great Overthinkers”. We usually come on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM, but then we thought that most people eat at 6:30 – and it’s more a weekend kind of show, anyway – so we thought we’d move to Sundays at 8:00 PM.. but then we thought, that might confuse people too much with the change.. so we thought we’d split the difference, and come on Tuesdays at 6:00 AM. Then we thought, you know, that’s.. that’s so early.. and nobody’s up that.. that early. So, we finally went with a Wednesday time, around midday..

[ show title, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

…..Jeff Goldblum
Male Audience Member #1…..
Female Audience Member #1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member #2…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member #3…..Jim Downey
Female Audience Member #2…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Male Audience Member #4…..Norm MacDonald
Male Audience Member #5…..Tom Davis
…..Laura Dern

Jeff Goldblum: Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you very much! [ laughs ] It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – really. I had a great summer.. of course, I was in that movie “Jurassic Park”. [ audience applauds ] I don’t know.. thank you! and.. I guess a lot of you have seen it.. because, as of last week, “Jurassic Park” surpassed, uh.. “E.T.” to become the highest-grossing movie of all time. [ audience applauds ] So, I guess the guy who made “E.T.” must be kind of bummed right now! Yeah.. I heard E.T. phoned home, and he didn’t get an answer because everyone was out watching “Jurassic Park”! [ laughs, notices Male Audience Member #1 standing ] Uhh.. sir? Yes, yes.. you have a question?

Male Audience Member #1: I thought you were great in “Jurassic Park”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, thank you.

Male Audience Member #1: Was it scary working with all those dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. well.. no, not really.. you know, I’d act afraid.. but they weren’t real dinosaurs, they were just a combination of, uh, you know.. computer animation and animatronic puppets. [ acknowledges Female Audience Member #1 standing ] Yes?

Female Audience Member #1: Yeah, uh.. what did you feed the dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles in disbelief ] Well.. well, the dinosaurs didn’t eat anything, because, as I’ve just explained, they’re not real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #2 ] Yes. Yes, you have a question?

Male Audience Member #2: The Tyrannosaurus Rex is really incredible – that was real! Right?

Jeff Goldblum: [ trying not to laugh ] Is this a joke?! No, no, no! The Tyrannosaurus Rex, like all dinosaurs, has been extinct for 65 million years. None of the dinosaurs in the movie were.. real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #3 ] Yes..?

Male Audience Member #3: Um.. I’m thinking of taking a vacation in Jurassic Park, uh.. what’s the best time of year to go?

Jeff Goldblum: Well, there’s no such place as Jurassic Park.. I’m an actor, that was all pretend and.. y-you know? Don’t you get it? [ laughs, acknowledges Female Audience Member #2 ] Yes? Uh. Miss?

Female Audience Member #2: Were any dinosuars hurt in the making of this movie?

Jeff Goldblum: Maybe I’m not making myself clear.. Listen – once and for all – none the dinosaurs were real, they were all special effects. They don’t exist! Okay? [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #4 ] Yes?

Male Audience Member #4: Yeah, I, uh.. read that some of the dinosaurs in that movie were, uh.. were fake! That, uh.. that true?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes! Fake They were fake!

Male Audience Member #5: I-I liked “The Fly”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, uh.. thank you very much. [ audience applauds ] Do you have a question.. do you have a question about the movie “The Fly”?

Male Audience Member #5: Um.. yes, I do. Um.. were the dinosaurs in “The Fly” real?

Jeff Goldblum: [ laughs ] There weren’t any dinosaurs in the mvoie “The Fly” – and, even if we wanted to put dinosaurs in the movie, we couldn’t have, because they are extinct, they don’t exist.. do you udnerstand?

Male Audience Member #5: [ confused ] Well, w-what movie am I thinking of, where there were real dinosaurs..?

Jeff Goldblum: I-I don’t know.. “Jurassic Park”, probably..?

Male Audience Member #5: Yes! Yes, that’s it! Now, those dinosaurs were really scary!

Jeff Goldblum: [ gives in to the compliment ] Thank you very much! Okay.. last question.. is there one more question..?

[ Laura Dern stands up in the audience, to wild applause ]

Laura Dern: Yeah, I have a question. So.. do oyu rmeember, uh, when we were in the jeep and the T-Rex attacked us? God! Weren’t you scared it was gonna eat us?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles glibly, who is he to argue with Laura Dern? ] Yes, I was. Very scared. Thanks. Okay, we’ve got a great show for you, Aerosmith is here! Um.. dinosaurs don’t exist, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Dance Club

Joe…..Jeff Goldblum
Jaimie…..Julia Sweeney
Club Owner…..Kevin Nealon
Bandleader…..Mike Myers
Screaming Fat Guy…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, swanky dance club, people on the dance floor and crowded at the bar. Joe and Jaimie sit at a table near the dance floor. ]

Jaimie: Don’t you love this place?

Joe: Oh, yeahhh.. yeah.. it’s great.

Jaimie: I come here all the time!

Joe: Oh, yeah?

[ Club Owner steps up to the table ]

Club Owner: Hey, Jaimie – can I get you and your friend a drink?

Jaimie: Oh, nothing for me – Joe, would you like anything?

Joe: No, no.. I’m fine.

[ Club Owner walks away ]

Jaimie: Oh, I love this place. He’s a great guy.

Joe: Oh, yeah?

Jaimie: Hey, do you want to dance?

Joe: [ hesitant ] Oh, no no no no.. no, thanks..

Jaimie: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!

Joe: No, no.. I can’t dance, and, uh.. you know, there’s too many people here and-

Jaimie: So what? Nobody’s paying attention to you!

Joe: No, really.. I d-don’t like to dance..

Jaimie: Come on, no one’s looking at you! come on, let loose!

Joe: No no no no no! You go! Dance with other guys, I don’t care..!

Jaimie: No, no! Come on, Chicken!

Joe: No, no, stop it.. don’t cal me that..

Jaimie: No, once you start, you’ll love it! Come on! Come on!

Joe: Okay..

[ Joe allows himself to be dragged onto the dance floor by Jaimie, and proceeds to dance by swinging his outstretched arms back and forth in the air ]

Jaimie: That’s great! You’re doing great!

Joe: Really? Really? [ now enthusiastic about dancing ] Okay!

Jaimie: That’s great! Get into it!

[ others dancers begin to laugh at Joe ]

Joe: Are those people laughing at me? They’re making fun of me! Look at this, they’re making fun of me!

Jaimie: Don’t be paranoid! No one’s making fun of you!

[ the other dancers begin to mimic Joe’s dancing style ]

Joe: Well.. I’m sitting down.. I-I don’t want to do this..

Jaimie: No! What’s wrong?

Joe: This is what I’m talking about.. this is what I don’t like..’

Jaimie: Joe, you’re being paranoid!

Joe: Well..

Jaimie: You’re dancing! Don’t be so self-concious! Come on!

Joe: You think I’m being paranoid.

Jaimie: Well.. yes.

Joe: It’s just that I hardly ever dance.. I know.. [ laughs ]

[ band stops playing ]

Jaimie: Hey, the band stopped playing.

Joe: What’s going on?

[ Bandleader steps up to Joe and Jaimie ]

Bandleader: Hi. Excuse me, sir. Is.. is there anything the band can do to help?

Joe: [ confused ] Are you talking to me?

Bandleader: Yeah. Are we throwing you off, or something?

Joe: Nooo.. there’s nothing.. no..

Bandleader: Ohhh.. okay, I understand now. It must be the.. other sixty people here that are off-rhythm. Okay, I’ve got it.. okay, great! Sorry. Sorry to bother you. [ walks away ]

Joe: Am I really that off..?

Jaimie: No, no..! He’s kidding! He’s kidding!

Joe: You’re sure..?

Jaimie: Yeah! Just forget it!

Joe: Okay..

Jaimie: Come on, now get into it!

Joe: Okay!

[ Joe begins doing his awkward dance, as a Screaming Fat Guy runs into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everyody! Come on, let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: Oh, that’s it, I’m not dancing any more.. that’s it!

Jaimie: Wait a second! Wait a second! What’s wro-ong??

Joe: Everybody’s making fun of me now! I-I-I-I..

Jaimie: Oh, so the whole world revolves around you??

Joe: No, the dance is an imitation of me!

Jaimie: No, it isn’t!

Joe: Well, they’re doing it, and they’re calling it.. “The Idiot”. you know? I’m done! I’m not dancing.

Jaimie: Haven’t you heard of the Twist, or The Hustle? This one’s called The Idiot! They’re not all about you!

Joe: Well, then.. how do you explains these masks they’re wearing?

[ Joe points to a couple of guys dancing like him, while wearing wearing black-and-white portraits of his face over their heads ]

Jaimie: Well.. maybe that means they.. like you. It’s a tribute!

Joe: [ dumbfounded ] A tribute?

Jaimie: It’s a tribute, yes!

Joe: Oh.. okay! [ laughs ]

[ Club Owner holds a camera in front of Jeff as he dances awkwardly ]

Club Owner: Okay, smile for me right here.. come on! [ Joe smiles, the camera clicks ] There we go!

Joe: What’s that picture for?

Jaimie: I don’t know, I..

Club Owner: It’s just a little advertising for the club!

[ a couple of employees drag a huge poster into the room, it reads “Come Watch This Idiot Dance!”, with a square empty space where Joe’s picture is placed ]

Joe: Ohhh, yeah.. Hey, you know, Jaimie, ths is great. I never really danced before and gave it all I have!

Jaimie: Oh, well I’m glad you like it!

Joe: Yeah, I just feel freeeeeee and loose, and I’m having a wonderful time! [ laughs ]

[ suddenly, Aerosmith enters the club, as one of their songs can be heard in the background ]

Steven Tyler: Excuse me? Sir?

Joe: What?

Steven Tyler: Uh.. we’re Aerosmith.

Joe: [ suddenly recognizes them ] Wha..? Oh! Yeah, yeah! Hey, I love you guys! Wow! Wow!

Steven Tyler: Hey, you know, the house bad here, uh.. they’re playing one of our songs.

Joe: Yeah, yeah.. oh, I love this! It’s a great song!

Steven Tyler: Yeahhh.

Joe Perry: Hey, man.. uh..?

Joe: What?

Joe Perry: Could you, like, uh.. not dance to that, please?We’re serious!Just don’t do it!

Joe: What..? I love the music, I love this music..

Joe Perry: Just take a seat. Sometimes it’s better to watch and learn.

Steven Tyler: Sit this one out.

Joe: [ confused ] Really?

Steven Tyler: Yeah.

[ Aerosmith walks away, as Joe takes his seat ]

Joe: I can’t believe that.. I-I..

Jaimie: I’m sorry.

Joe: You’re sorry..?

[ Screaming Fat Guy runs back into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everybody! Let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: I didn’t want to dance..

Jaimie: I’m sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Goldblum: Thank you so, so much for watching, thanks for coming.. thanks to Aerosmith! The best rock and roll band! Goodbye, goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

Canteen Boy

Mr. Peter McGrath…..Jeff Goldblum
Mr. MacEntire…..Phil Hartman
Stan…..Kevin Nealon
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Mr. Henry…..Tim Meadows
Derek….Chris Farley
Mom…..Rob Schneider

[ open on neighbors having an unfruitful garage sale ]

Stan: Not such a great turn-out, huh, Peter?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. all these garage sales usually don’t heat up until after noon. You know.

Stan: Yeah! You making any money yet?

Mr. McGrath: Ha! Four dollars. Uh.. I sold a coffee can full of bolts, plus a broken rake!

[ the neighbors laugh at the idea of those lackluster items selling ]

[ cut to Canteen Boy at a table, pulling the string on a Speak-N-Say ]

Stan: Hey – look who just walked in. It’s Canteen Boy.

Mr. MacEntire: Oh. This guy is so sad.

Mr. McGrath: I know. He’s the king.. he’s the king. This is gonna be great! Watch this! [ walks over to Canteen Boy ] Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy? Can I help you with something?

Canteen Boy: Eh.. not right now, Mr. ?? – just getting myself situated.

Mr. McGrath: Oh. Well, you know, I wouldn’t want to rush you, Canteen Boy. ‘Cause you’re one crazy.. wild man!

Canteen Boy: [ nonchalantly, not getting it ] Uh-huh. Whatever. Hee-hee.

Mr. McGrath: No, no.. really. The way you captured that snake, at the block party? Mmm.. boy, I tell ya’ – I admire a guy like you who.. lives life on the edge!

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm.. Yeah, well, you know.. you only live life once. Sometimes you gotta go for it, you know? Heh heh!

Mr. McGrath: Well, and.. you do, Canteen Boy. You go for it.. you go for it! I’ll tell you that. Tell me, Canteen Boy, uh.. what was the.. the craziest this you did all last week?

Canteen Boy: Hmm.. uh.. well, uh.. eh.. eh.. last Wednesday, uh.. you know the city’s redoing the sidewalks over on River Road?

Mr. McGrath: Yeah.

Canteen Boy: Well, uh.. I leaned over the guardrails, and I wrote in the wet cement: “Cheryl Tiggs has big boobs!” [ chuckles ]

Mr. McGrath: [ pretending to be impressed ] Wo-ow! Wo-ow! Canteen Boy, you’re just a regular psychopath!

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ confused ] Yeah, uh.. I guess I missed the joke.

Mr. McGrath: Mmm-hmm.

Canteen Boy: I’m gonna go, uh.. see what’s going on in this section. [ walks over to Mr. Henry ] How you doing there, Mr. Henry? Plannig on doing a little outdoor activity?

Mr. Henry: Oh, hi, Canteen Boy. Uh.. well, actually, I thought I’d just find a good comforter, you know.. for the guests when they stay over.

Canteen Boy: Ohh.. yeah. Well, what you got there is goose down.. which is fine if you’re a traditionalist. Uh.. but I-I-I read in Boys Life magazine that, uh.. fiber-fill will keep you both drier and warmer!

Mr. Henry: Hmm-hmm. Well, Canteen Boy, I don’t need anything special, it’s just for arou-

Canteen Boy: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, whatever floats your boat, Mr. Henry! [ chuckles ] I’m just saying!

Mr. Henry: Hey, wow! Look at this! A lava lamp, huh? That takes you back to the 70’s.

Canteen Boy: Yeah. Hey, Mr. Henry, you should know – that’s not real lava.

Mr. Henry: Really?

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.. if it was real, room temperature, it would be a solid.

Mr. Henry: Mmm. Thanks, Canteen Boy. [ steps away ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. [ admires the lava lamp ] It’s a beauty, though. I’ll tell ya. [ waks back to Mr. McGrath ] Before I put any money down on this-

Mr. McGrath: Yeah?

Canteen Boy: -I’ve gotta make sure it’s gonna work.

Mr. McGrath: Uh-huh. Well, i-I’ll tell you what, Canteen Boy – uh.. you buy it, take it home, plug it in.. if it doesn’t work.. tough crap! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: Uh, not exactly the warranty I was looking for.

Mr. McGrath: No.. I guess not.

Mr. MacEntire: Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy. Shouldn’t you ask your mother before you buy something for the house?

Canteen Boy: Thanks for asking, Mr. MacEntire. Uh.. actually, I’ve been given, uh.. carte blanche to furnish my room as I see fit.

Stan: Wow! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: I’ve got a.. beer can collection.. rock and roll posters.. uh.. a $20 fish tank.. This lava lamp could actually be a nice little treat for the fish.

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ perplexed ] Yeah, uh.. I wish somebody would pass me the laughing gas. Anyways, uh.. Mr. McGrath, how much is this gonna set me back?

Mr. McGrath: [ thinking ] Uh.. um.. for you, Canteen Boy – $8,000.

Canteen Boy: Heh heh.. what is this, a lava lamp made out of gold?! [ laughs ] $8,000? Give me a break here!

Mr. McGrath: Mmm.. wow, Canteen Boy.. you’re a real tough negotiator. I’ll tell you what – I’ll give it to you for.. $16,000!

Canteen Boy: [ snidely ] Heh heh heh. Yeah, whatever. Ha. This guy forgot he’s having a garage sale, thinks he’s running a Ferarri dealership!

Mr. Henry: Hey, Pete – how much for the whistle?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. fifty cents.. I don’t care..

Canteen Boy: Mr. Henry, give me fifty cents – I’ll whistle for ya’! [ presses his hands together and whistles like an owl ]

Mr. MacEntire: [ mocking ] Hey, Stan! Did you hear that? Is there some kind of crazy owl out here, or something..?

Canteen Boy: [ laughs ] Mr. MacEntire, that was just me! I forgot how lifelike that is!

Mr. McGrath: Wow.. wow. Canteen Boy, that’s two impressions you can do. You’re good at doing an owl.. and.. you’re good at ding a dork!

[ the neighbors laugh ]

Canteen Boy: [ whispering ] Eh, well you’re a dork.

Mr. McGrath: [ taking offense ] What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Mr. McGrath: Listen.. Canteen Boy.. uh, if you want this lava lamp, and you can’t come up with the cash.. how about a trade?

Canteen Boy: Oh, uh.. well, that sounds great. Uh.. I got some Spider-man magazines at home, oard games – you know: Stratego, Battleship – I’ll bring ’em by, we can talk turkey.

Mr. McGrath: Uh.. no, Canteen Boy. I’ve already seen what I want.. and, uh.. it’s hanging around your neck.

Canteen Boy: [ reaizes Mr. McGrath is referring to his prized canteen ] Oh.. uh.. seriously, that is.. [ sweating ] You don’t understand.. this is not for sale..!

Mr. McGrath: No, no. You don’t understand, Canteen Boy. I want that canteen.

Canteen Boy: [ close-up as he screams ] Heh heh.. i gotta go.. I-I’ll catch you later..!

Mr. McGrath: [ laughing ] Yeah! Oh-oh-oh.. hey, Derek! Back from the gym, just in time. Look who’s here! It’s Canteen Boy! You guys used to be real tight!

[ Derek ambles on into the scene, really throwing his weight around in front of Canteen Boy ]

Derek: Hey, Canteen Boy – dies this bring back any memories? [ pulls a turbo-wedgie on Canteen Boy’s underwear ] WEDGIEEE!!! WEDGIEEE!!

[ the neighbors laugh, as Canteen Boy makes a run for it ]

[ dissolve to interior, Canteen Boy’s room, decorated as descried earlier, with rock posters and a fish bowl ]

[ Canteen Boy’s Mom pushes her way into the room ]

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Are you alright, Allen? Is there anything I can do for you?

Canteen Boy: Everything’s under control, Mom. I’ll deal with this in my own fashion.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Okay.. bye bye.

Canteen Boy: Uh, mom? Don’t forget to tape “Seaquest”.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Alright. [ exits Canteen Boy’s bedroom ]

[ Canteen Boy presses his hands together again, catching the attention of snakes from around the world ]

[ cut back to the garage sale, as hundreds of snakes fall form the trees and tangle the neighbors ]

Neighbors: Aaagggghhhhh!!!!! Help me!!!

[ dissolve to close-up of Canteen Boy’s face ]

Canteen Boy: He who laughs last.. laughs loudest! Hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeee!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts