Anne Murray…..Melanie Hutsell John Kruk…..Chris Farley
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here to sing the Canadian National Anthem, is Canada’s own.. Anne Murray!
Anne Murray: [ singing ] “O Canada Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons’ command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!”
[ shots of Anne Murray are interspersed with shots of the Phillies spitting chewing tobacco in the dugout ]
“From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard.. for.. thee.”
[ huge, dark wads of chewing tobacco spit drench Anne Murray from head to toe ]
Anne Murray: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Hostess…..Julia Sweeney David Klaunoff…..Phil Hartman Cheryl Green…..Ellen Cleghorne Christian DuBois…..John Malkovich Jerry Langley…..Adam Sandler Bob Poochie…..Rob Schneider
Hostess: Hello. and welcome to “Ruining It For Everyone”, the show that brings you people who have ruined things for everyone else. Our first guest is David Klaunoff. David, why don’t you tell us what you ruined for everyone else.
David Klaunoff: Well, back one evening in October 1972, I was in my kitchen making fudge for Halloween, and.. [ chuckles ] ..I don’t know how it happened, but.. a couple of razor blades got in there, and I, uh.. I gave them out to some trick-or-treaters! [ laughs ] Anyway, there was a big uproar.. I kind of spooked everybody..
Hostess: Well.. so, now, because of you, parents don’t allow their kids to eat unwrapped Halloween candy.
David Klaunoff: Yeah. I heard that some places outlawed trick-or-treating altogether! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, very impressive. Our next guest is Cheryl Green from Los Angeles. What did youruin for everybody?
Cheryl Green: Well, um.. I guess, um.. this was, like, around 1973.. when, um.. you know, gas stations first started to have Self-Serve. Well, anyway, um.. it was great for me, because, um.. I could pump my own gas, and then drive off without paying! [ laughs at herself ] And, um.. I guess that, um.. I kimnd of pioneered that practice.
Hostess: And, now gas stations make people pay before they can pump?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well.. yes. [ laughs ]
Hostess: Okay. Our next guest singlehandedly ruined a whole mode of traveling that had been popular for more than fifty years. Christian DuBois. Why don’t you tell us about it, Christian?
Christian DuBois: Certainly. It would be my pleasure. Uh.. well, you remember when a lot of people used to hitchhike.. and.. I used to hitchhike, too.. but.. one time, this guy in a green Chevy Nova was nice enough to give me a lift, and about.. five miles into the ride, I stabbed him repeatedly and left him for dead. And.. that.. that got a lot of press. and, to make things worse, I kind of went on this hitchhiking murder spree.. and.. ever since, people have been kind of gun-shy about picking up hitchhikers.
Hostess: So, you feel you ruined hitchhiking for everyone?
Christian DuBois: Well.. no. Practically.. I mean.. I myself still pick up hitchhikers.
Hostess: Really?
Christian DuBois: Yeah.. and then, I-I stab them.. which probably only makes things worse.
Hostess: Thank you, Christian.
Christian DuBois: Oh! Also – tamper-proof seals. That’s me, too. Sorry.
Hostess: Also with us, is Jerry Langley from New Jersey. Tell us your story, and what you ruined.
Jerry Langley: Well, uh uh.. a few years ago, I-I needed to go to the bathroom.. [ laughs ] ..so.. I-I-I stopped in this restaurant, and I asked if I could use theirs! And, uh.. I was in there, I went a little crazy, and, uh.. I just started whizzing all over the place! I whizzed in the sink, and on the mirrors.. I figured I’m not a customer, I could just whiz awat! I went back there the next night, and they had a sign up: “Bathroom for customers only.” [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, then.. now, because of you, the general public can’t use the bathroom at that restaurant.
Jerry Langley: [ laughs ] Well, uh uh.. actually, I’ve done that at a lot of restaurants!
Hostess: And, finally, we have Bob Poochie. Now, Bob, you’ve ruined two things for everybody. Tell us about that.
Bob Poochie: To begin with, um.. I believe I’m the first man to go to topless bars and just sit there for hours, just watching the dancers without ordering a thing. I mean, I wouldn’t spend Dime One.
Hostess: And now, all those places have cover charges and a two-drink minimum.
Bob Poochie: That’s right.
Hostess: Uh.. and what was the other thing that you did?
Bob Poochie: [ clears throat ] Well, um.. I was also the first man eve.. to bring a woman to orgasm.
Hostess: [ amazed ] Really?!
Bob Poochie: Yeah. I mean, she swore she wouldn’t tell her friends.. but I guess the word got out.. and now, during sex, a lot of women just.. expect it.
Hostess: Okay. Uh.. let’s talk about the future. Uh.. any other plans for ruining things? David?
David Klaunoff: Well.. this Easter, I’m gonna make some chocolate Easter bunnies, and uh.. I’m gonna try to make sure there’s no razor blade in there, but – hey! Things happen! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Cheryl?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well, uh.. you know, uh.. how, in amusement parks they don’t have, uh.. metal detectors?
Hostess: [ uneasy ] Yes.
Cheryl Green: Well.. stay tuned! [ laughs ]
Hostess: I-I wouldn’t call it a plan.. but I have noticed how some people seem to have no fear of violent crime while they’re cycling. And, I-I’m gonna work on that, I have some ideas.
Hostess: Jerry – and you?
Jerry Langley: Uh.. you know, when you’re at your friend’s place, and they’ll let you use their bathroom? I-I’m gonna put an end to that!
Christian DuBois: Oh, and by the way – I’ve got a surprise for all of you who like Nutrasweet. Yeah. You’ll be hearing about it.
Hostess: Bob, is there anything else you’d like to ruin?
Bob Poochie: [ thinking ] I think I’ve done enough.
Hostess: I agree Thank you for joining us on “Ruining It For Everyone”. Join us next week, when our guests will be the inbventor of the radar gun, Ted Danson, and Patient Zero.
John Malkovich: Thank you! Thank you, than kyou very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve had, uh.. a pretty good year. There was, uh.. there was a little movie you might have seen this summer.. called “Jurassic Park”. [ audience lightly applauds the mere mention of the name of a popular summer movie Malkovich wasn’t in ] Great movie.. I saw it twice. Uh.. oh! Also, I was in a movie called “In The Line Of Fire”. [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you.
It’s been a very hectic week here, trying to prepare a show as complicated as this one, without missing a single World Series game. But, uh.. we pulled it off. But, myself, I’ve always really loved baseball. And, watching the series has personally made me kind of nostalgic for.. my days in the Little League. Yeah.. I was a fairly decent hitter. In fact.. let me show you.
[ Malkovich throws a ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
Okay. It feels good, though.
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
Alright, I-I.. that, I lost in the lights.
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
[ David Spade steps onto stage ]
David Spade: John? John?
John Malkovich: What?
David Spade: [ laughs ] John, it’s okay, you don’t have to hit the ball. Don’t worry about it, just go ahead and finish the monologue.
John Malkovich: I can do it! If you’d leave me alone! I’ll do it!
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
David Spade: Alright, I think you’re.. you just gotta keep your eye on the ball and concentrate..
John Malkovich: [ annoyed ] I knoooowwww!!
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses. He breaks into a mad fury. ]
David Spade: Uh.. John’s a little preoccupied. We’ve got a great show, Billy Joel is here tonight! We’ll be right back!
[ open on exterior, Mitch Leary’s apartment building, night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mitch’s apartment, as he picks up the phone and dials out ]
Hello?
Mitch Leary: Frank? I have a question for you, Frank. How did you feel when President Kennedy was assassinated? It must have made you feel sad.
Wrong Number: Yeah.. I felt real bad.
Mitch Leary: I’m sure it hurt you.. to be that close, and not to be able to do anything.
Wrong Number: What do you mean?
Mitch Leary: Well.. maybe if you were a little quicker, maybe if you were a little more on your game, you could have saved his life.
Wrong Number: [ confused ] On my game? What are you talking about?
Mitch Leary: You know. On your game.
[ cut to the Frank Mitch is speaking to, clearly a wrong number ]
Wrong Number: What number are you calling?
Mitch Leary: Uh.. 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.
Wrong Number: [ laughs ] Oh! You dialed wrong! This is 7-2-3-7.
Mitch Leary: [ embarrassed ] Ohhh.. sorry!
Wrong Number: Aw, don’t worry, it’s alright. Things like this happen. It’s alright.
Mitch Leary: [ loses control ] I KNOW it’s ALRIGHT!! [ hangs up angrily, then redials ] Hello, Frank. I see you standing over the body of another dead president.
Elderly Woman: Hello-o-o-o!! Hello-o-o-o!!
Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?
Elderly Woman: Who-o-o??!
Mitch Leary: Frank!
Elderly Woman: Speak up, I can’t hear you!
Mitch Leary: Is Frank there?
[ cut to the elderly woman on the other line, another wrong number ]
Elderly Woman: I still can’t hear you! What number are you dialing?!
Mitch Leary: 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.
Elderly Woman: You got the wrong number!
Mitch Leary: What number is this?
Elderly Woman: Okay, bye-bye! [ hangs up ]
Mitch Leary: [ flustered, tries dialing the number again ] Hello, Frank. What do you do at night when the demons come?
Elderly Woman: Didn’t you just call me?!!
Mitch Leary: I’m sorry.. I thought I misdialed, but apparently I must have written the number down incorrectly. I’m sorry. [ hangs up, dials Directory Assistance ]
Operator: Directory Assistance. What city, please?
Mitch Leary: Washington, D.C., please. The number for Frank Corrigan.
Operator: Okay.. I have three Frank Corrigans. Do you know the street address?
Mitch Leary: Uh.. I.. I think it’s on M Street.
Operator: N-no.. but I have an F. Corrigan without an address.
Mitch Leary: Fine. Let’s try that one.
Operator: 5-5-5-4-0-2-0.
Mitch Leary: Thank you. [ hangs up, dials the number ] Hello?
Kid’s Mom: Hello!
Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?
Kid’s Mom: Alright. Frank? Telephone.
Kid: [ a small boy’s voice ] Hello?
Mitch Leary: Frank! Frank. How did you feel when Kennedy was killed?
[ cut to the small, innocent boy, fear on his face ]
Kid: You killed Kennedy?!! The V.J.?! From M-TV?!
Mitch Leary: No!
Kid’s Mom: I told you no phone calls after ten o’clock! Who is that?!
Kid: I-I don’t know.. he’s talking about Kennedy dying!
Kid’s Mom: Listen! Sir! I don’t know whoyou are.. but, frankly, I don’t know what a grown man is doing calling a nine year-old this late at night!
Mitch Leary: [ outraged ] I’m sorry!! [ she hangs up ] Oh, gee..! That’s a four! [ dials the number correctly this time ]
[ cut to scene from “In The Line Of Fire”, as Frank Corrigan answers his telephone ]
Frank Corrigan: Yeah!
Mitch Leary: Is this Frank?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: Frank Corrigan?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: The Secret Service agent?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: The one.. the one that was there when Kennedy was assassinated?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah. What do you want?
Mitch Leary: I have a question for you, Frank? How did you feel when President Kennedy was killed?
[ Corrigan’s call-waiting beeps in ]
Frank Corrigan: Uh.. can you hold on a second, I.. got a call on the other line.
Mitch Leary: [ annoyed, but stuck ] Sure.
Frank Corrigan: Look, uh.. I’ve gotta take this. You could call back, or give me your number.
Mitch Leary: I’ll call back. [ hangs up ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Mitch’s building, as a shot rings out ]
Mitch Leary: [ dials the phone ] Hello. Is this Washington Memorial Hospital..? I’ve just shot myself in the foot.. could you send an ambulance..? I’m in 22 Elm..
John Malkovich: I would like to thank the staff and cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” for having me back, and the audience for being here, and a special thanks to Billy Joel for everything.
Jack Handey V/O: It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
[ dissolve to Menendez Brothers trial, as defense lawyer Leslie Abramson questions Lyle Menendez ]
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Lyle Menendez by Defense.” ]
Leslie Abramson: Let me ask you once again.. is it your testimony, that you and your brother Erik, in fact had nothing to do with the murder of your parents, Jose & Kitty Menendez?
Lyle Menendez: That’s correct.
Leslie Abramson: Then, can you tell the court who did murder your parents?
[ SUPER: “Lyle is retracting his and Erik’s confession to the murder of their parents.” ]
Lyle Menendez: Our other two brothers.. Danny Menendez & Jose Menendez, Jr. [ covers his face with his hands and cries ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Good evening. I’m Greg Jared for Court TV. It was a startling day of testimony at the trial of Lyle & Eric Menendez. After several weeks of presenting its case, the defense stunned the courtroom with the revelation that, not only are there two other previously unknown Menendez brothers – Danny & Jose, Jr. – but that they, in fact, committed the murder for which Lyle & Eric are charged. Later this afternoon, younger brother Eric joined Lyle on the stand, and in riveting testimony, they spoke of the secret existence of these two previously unknown Menendez brothers – and the years of emotional abuse they suffered.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
Leslie Abramson: Now.. is it true your father never allowed your other two brothers, Danny & Jose, Jr., our of the house.
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Lyle and Erik Menendez by Defense.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And that he never allowed them to go to school?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
Leslie Abramson: He’s never haved them in family pictures or mentioned them to friends?
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik are testifying that they have two brothers named Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: No driver’s licenses, no birth certificates, no Social Security cards?
Lyle Menendez: My.. father said Danny & Jose, Jr. didn’t.. deserve to have any official records of their existence, because.. [ fighting the tears ] ..they were weak and not good tennis players.
Leslie Abramson: So, in other words, it was as if your father didn’t want anyone to know your other brothers even existed?
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Lyle Menendez: [ hesitant ] Yes.. [ they break into tears ]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Later, in surely the most dramatic moment of the trial, the defense called these newly discovered Mendenz Brothers – Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. – to the stand.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
Leslie Abramson: Would you state your names for the court record?
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr. by Defense.” ]
Erik Menendez: Danny Menenedez.
Lyle Menendez: Jose Menendez, Jr.
Leslie Abramson: And you are both sons of Jose & Kitty Menendez?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
Leslie Abramson: And you are not Lyle & Erik Menendez pretending to be two different Menendez brothers?
Lyle & Erik: No.. we are not.
Leslie Abramson: Even though you look remarkably like Lyle & Erik Menendez?
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose, Jr. are testifying that they exist.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
[ SUPER: “and that they are not Lyle and Erik Menendez in disguise” ]
Leslie Abramson: And.. this is the first time anyone, other than your dead parents and Eric & Lyle Menendez have ever seen you?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And, it is oyur testimony that it was you who killed your parents, Jose & Kitty Menendez, and not your brothers Lyle & Erik Menendez, to whom you bear a striking resemblance.
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And that you forced your two innocent brothers, Lyle & Erik Menendez, to confess to the murder?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes. [ they begin to cry ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Lyle Menendez: [ hesitant ] Yes.. [ they break into tears ]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Later.. Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. faced a tough cross-examination by the prosecution.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Cross of Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr. by Prosecution.” ]
David Conn: Now, it is your testimony that you are, in fact, Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., andnot Lyle & Erik Menendez?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
David Conn: Then, can you tell the court where Erik & Lyle Menendez are?
Lyle Menendez: They’re in the bathroom.
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose Jr. are testifying that Lyle and Erik are in the bathroom.”]
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor, I object! Where’s the prosecution going with this?
David Conn: Your Honor, the prosecution believes there may be only two, and, at the most.. three Menendez brothers. And, further, we’d like the defense to produce all four Menendez brothers, if they, in fact, exist.
[ SUPER: “The Prosecution asks that all four brothers appear in court at the same time.”]
[ the Defense team discuss the idea ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor.. the defense will be happy to produce Erik & Lyle Menendez, provided that Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. are allowed to go get them.
Judge Weisberg: Is that really necessary?
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor.. all four Menendez brothers have been under a tremendous stress. Eric & Lyle just went to the bathroom to cry. I think it would be best if Danny & jose, Jr. went to get them.
Judge Weisberg: [ bangs gavel ] I’ll allow it. Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., you may go to the bathroom to get your brothers.. but, however, I would like you to do it quickly.
[ Lyle and Eric stand up, then exit the courtroom to retrieve their brothers; the camera fixates on their empty chairs. ]
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose, Jr. have gone to the bathroom.” ]
[ SUPER: “They hope to convince brothers Lyle and Erik to stop crying and return to the courtroom.” ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
[ Lyle and Erik finally return to the courtroom, and take their seats ]
Judge Weisberg: Would you please state your names for the record?
Lyle Menendez: Lyle Menendez.
Erik Menendez: Erik Menendez.
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik have returned to the bathroom.” ]
Judge Weisberg: And you’re not the same two Menendez brothers who were just here a minute ago, right?
Erik Menendez: Yes.. that’s correct.
Lyle Menendez: We’re… different Menendez brothers.
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Judge Weisberg: So.. would you please tell the court what happened to your brothers Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr.?
Lyle Menendez: [ fighting the tears ] They’re in the bathroom..
Judge Weisberg: And, once again, I don’t suppose they will come out of the bathroom for anyone but you two, correct?
Lyle Menendez: [ crying ] Yes..
Erik Menendez: Yes..
Judge Weisberg: Could just one you go to the bathroom and get them?
[ Lyle & Erik look at one another, unsure of what their next move should be now that the judge has trapped them in their charade ]
Lyle Menendez: [ with no idea what he is going to do ] Ooo-kay.. [ slowly exits the courtroom, dumbfounded ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle has gone to the bathroom to get Danny and Jose, Jr.” ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Greg Jared: After waiting more than two hours for Lyle Menendez to return with his brothers, Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., Judge Weisberg adjoined the court until Monday. We’ll be back hen with complete court coverage of the Lyle & Erik Menendez murder case. I’m Greg Jared. See you Monday!
George Stephanopoulos…..Mike Myers President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks Secretary…..Julia Sweeney James Carville…..John Malkovich
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
George Stephanopoulos: Bush attacked your foreign policy again. This time, in a talk to a kindergarten class on a military base.
President Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] What did he say?
George Stephanopoulos: Well, he said that, uh — “Well, President Clinton is sending your mommies and daddies to die in a far away place, and you’ll all have to live in orphanages.”
President Bill Clinton: [ he shakes his head ] That’s just not fair!
George Stephanopoulos: I know. And the kids — the kids seemed pretty shaken up. Brokaw’s leading with it tonight.
President Bill Clinton: Boy! I’m taking a beating in Haiti and Somalia — did everyone just FORGET my Health Care plan?!
George Stephanopoulos: Well, actually, sir… Hillary seems to be getting all the credit. Everyone just loves her.
President Bill Clinton: Ughhh…[ Hillary enters ]
Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bill. Hi, George. Sorry I’m late. I was just working on some details in the children’s vaccination program.
George Stephanopoulos: Hillary? Bill and I were wondering: Could you do him a small favor?
Hillary Clinton: Sure. Anything.
George Stephanopoulos: Could you say that Somalia and Haiti were your idea?
President Bill Clinton: [ pleading ] It would really help a ton! Everyone loves you.
Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] Why — up to now, it’s just that we’ve always told the American people the truth.
[ Stephanopolous turns to the President and shrugs helplessly ]
Hillary Clinton: That’s how we run our marriage, and that’s how we run our country!
[ Clinton’s intercom buzzes ]
President Bill Clinton: Yeah?
Secretary V/O: Mr. President? James Carville is here.
President Bill Clinton: Uh, good… good. Send him in.
[ James Carville ambles into the office ]
President Bill Clinton: James. Good to see ya’. [ they shake hands ]
James Carville: Bill! What the hell ya’ doin’ in Haiti?! Huh?! I mean, I didn’t singlehandedly get you elected President so you can muck around some island full with people who ain’t even registered to vote!
President Bill Clinton: It’s very complex, Jim.
James Carville: Well, so is GUMBO!! But at least it tastes good! [ he laughs uproariously ]
George Stephanopoulos: Mr. President, uh — we have that meeting with the Joint Chiefs? The situation in Bosnia’s really getting ugly.
President Bill Clinton: Ugh, right. Bosnia. [ to Carville ] If you’ll excuse us…
James Carville: Would you forget about Bosnia?! You know how many electoral votes THEY got?! ZERO!!
[ the President exits ]
Hillary Clinton: James, do you really think foreign policy could hurt Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Hillary, sit down!
Hillary Clinton: Okay. [ she sits in front of the President’s desk ]
James Carville: Uh-uh. Behind the desk.
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
[ Hillary stands, then walks around the desk and takes her seat behind it, as Carville adjusts her seat with a flourish ]
James Carville: How’s that feel? You like that?
Hillary Clinton: Well… sure, it’s — it’s a comfortable chair.
James Carville: [ pounding his fists on the desk ] Come on! Move it around! Move soem papers here, pick up the phone — you know, sign your name, staple something! Couldn’t ya’? You could get used to that, couldn’t ya’?!
Hillary Clinton: Well, wait a minute! Are you saying you want me to run against Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Bingo! I crunched some numbers!
[ he hands Hillary a printout, which she studies carefully ]
Hillary Clinton: Well… but… but, James, I-I don’t know what to say. Obviously, if Bill were ever incapacitated, I would assume the presidency! And then, naturally, I’d prefer just to wait eight years and run with Al Gore as my Vice-President. But ’96?!
James Carville: I just gotta know one thing: Chelsea?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, I don’t want to bring Chelsea into this! She’s a 13-year old girl who deserves to be left alone!
James Carville: Now, we’re gonna need her endorsement!
Hillary Clinton: Well — I — she loves her dad.
James Carville: How does Ambassador Chelsea sound?
[ Hillary considers the thought, as Bill re-enters ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi, I’m back!
Hillary Clinton: Whoa!
[ Hillary ducks under the desk, pretending to search for something on the ground; Carville follows suit ]
James Carville: Uh, yes — Madame President — uh, Madame First Lady — did you find that earring?
Hillary Clinton: Uh, yes — it was under Bill’s chair! [ she laughs nervously ]
President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy… things sure are a mess in Bosnia.
James Carville: Yeah, well, uh — I gotta go, Mr. President. Now, bye bye!
President Bill Clinton: Uh — bye, James.
James Carville: And, uh, Hillary? I’ll see you in ’96… minutes!
[ Carville smiles mischieviously, then exits ]
President Bill Clinton: Did he ask you to run against me?
Hillary Clinton: [ solemnly ] Yeah.
President Bill Clinton: Are you gonna?
Hillary Clinton: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: [ she wraps her arms around him ] No!
President Bill Clinton: I love you.
Hillary Clinton: And I love you.
President Bill Clinton: Hey! Good lookin’! Wanna go check out the Lincoln Bedroom?
Hillary Clinton: [ she giggles ] Can we discuss health insurance purchasing cooperatives vs. prospective payment systems?
Disney’s “Of Mice and Men” Family-friendly version has two Lennies (Chris Farley, Malkovich). Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner.
Billy Joel performs “All About Soul”
Carville’s Visit James Carville (Malkovich) urges Hillary Clinton (Jan Hooks) to run for President. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.
Air Date:
Billy Joel, “All About Soul”