For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 6
93f: Rosie O’Donnell / James Taylor
Goodnights
…..Rosie O’Donnell
Rosie O’Donnell: I had a great time. I’d like to thank Casey Kasem and James Taylor! The incredible cast! The most unbelievable crew! Lorne Michaels! The writers! I had a blast, thank you very much! We’ll see you next time! Thanks to my friends for coming – I love you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 6
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
November 13th, 1993
Rosie O’Donnell
James Taylor
None
Dave Attell
Tom Davis
Fred Wolf
Casey Kasem
Cheryl Hardwick
Tom Schiller
Bernie Friedman The Packwood DiariesSummary: Sen. Bob Packwood (Phil Hartman) reflects on the women he’s harrassed that day.
Transcript
Montage
Rosie O’Donnell’s MonologueSummary: Audience members confuse Rosie O’Donnell with other heavyset actresses.
Also Hosted: 96i.
Transcript
Frank Sinatra: DuetsSummary: Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) rushes through Duets sessions with musical artists below his ilk.
Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Barbara Streisand, Meat Loaf, Liza Minnelli, Wynonna Judd, Kenny G., Tom Petty, Natalie Merchant, k.d. Lang, Bono.
Transcript
Mexican StereotypeSummary: A Mexican stereotype (Rob Schneider) expresses his excitement for NAFTA.
Daily AffirmationSummary: Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) discusses marital woes with John (Mike Myers) and Lorena Bobbitt (Rosie O’Donnell).
Recurring Characters: Stuart smalley, John Bobbitt.
Transcript
Phil Hartman’s Real ViewsSummary: In response to the Mexican stereotype (Rob Schneider), Phil Hartman announces that he wants to stick it back to Mexico.
James Taylor performs “Memphis” & “Slap Leather”Also Performed: 76a, 78r, 79n, 87ia, 91i.
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Opera Man.
Transcript
Forgetful WaiterSummary: An inept waiter (Kevin Nealon) is unable to memorize diners’ (Phil Hartman, Rosie O’Donnnell) orders.
The Tomboy & The SissySummary: Theresa the tomboy (Rosie O’Donnell) and Spencer the sissy (David Spade) form an unlikely alliance by helping one another with football and make-up woes.
James Taylor performs “Secret O’ Life”
The Malibu FiresSummary: Dick Clark’s receptionist (David Spade) keeps celebrities away from their fire-damaged homes.
Recurring Characters: Dick Clark’s receptionist, Sean Penn, Charlton Heston.
Schiller’s ReelSummary: In Tom Schiller’s short film “Will Work For Food”, a tramp (Norm MacDonald) performs menial tasks for his employer (Tom Schiller) to earn food for his old man (Bernie Friedman).
Transcript
HomegirlsSummary: Prep school girls (Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman) invite tough-talking homegirls (Rosie O’Donnell, Elen Cleghorne, Melanie Hutsell) to their party.
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 5
93e: Christian Slater / Smashing Pumpkins
You Put Your Weed In It
Allen…..Christian Slater
Cop #1…..Phil Hartman
Store owner…..Rob Schneider
Husband…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Female Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Male Customer #2…..Adam Sandler
[sign outside store reads Out of Africa- Primitive Art]
Husband: The pottery animals are really amazing.
Wife: I think theyre native American honey.
Owner: Thats right. Thats a Zuna Maracopa bird. It represents a beloved Zuni folk tale.Wife: What do you do with it?
Owner: Oh you put your weed in there.
Wife: Oh. [Nealon and Sweeney walk out of store]
Owner: Hi can I help you?
Female Customer: Um yeah, what is this?
Owner: Its a Katchina doll.
Female Customer: Whats that?
Owner: The hopi word katsina or katchina is used in 3 ways. It refers to spirit beings, the mass dancers who impersonate these beings, or the painted wooden figurines, which represent these dancers. The katchina was very important in the religious life of the ancient Pueblo people.
Female Customer: Wow thats fascinating.
Owner: Yeah and you put your weed in there. [points to inside of object]
Female Customer: Thanks. [walks away]
Male Customer #1: [approaches counter] How ya doin? Hey you sold me this thing last week.
Owner: Right, a Pafue funeral mask.
Male Customer #1: Yeah but I put my weed in there- cant get it out.
Owner: Woah I think you better talk to our customer service guy. Allen!
Allen: Hey what up man?
Owner: This guy cant get his weed out of there.
Allen: Let me take a look. Woah, no wonder, man its completely full of weed. How much weed did you put in there?
Male Customer #1: As much as itll hold.
Allen: You gotta use common sense. We always tell our customers: if you think you put too much weed in there, you probably did.
Owner: You were jamming weed in there like it had some kind of tantalese harvestyle, what did you expect?
Allen: Were gonna have to keep this overnight to get the weed out.
Male Customer #1: Ok thanks a lot.
Male Customer #2: [approaches Allen] Hey is this from Egypt?
Allen: Uh yeah, its an ancient scarab made by the Egyptians over 4,000 years ago.
Male Customer #2: What did they use it for?
Allen: Archaeologists dont really know, but I have a theory.
Male Customer #2: Whats that?
Allen: They put their weed in there.
Male Customer #2: Ok thanks man. [phone rings as Sandler walks away]
Owner: [answers phone] Hello?… Yeah Uh huh No you put you weed in there No problem [puts down phone]. [2 cops walk in]
Owner: [talking to Allen] Its ok, stay calm, just dont mention weed.
Allen: Dont mention weed.
Allen and Owner: [after pause] Weed! Weed!Cop #1: Whats that?
Allen and Owner: Nothin.
Cop #1: You called to report a theft.
Owner: Well yeah I did. Someone stole a jurajian ancestor figurine and it had something very valuable in it, but we cant tell you what it is.
Cop #1: Well why not? You want it back right?
Allen and Owner: No yes.Cop #1: You guys arent being very helpful.
Owner: Can I talk to you in private? [he walks over with cop #1] Look this whole place is full of weed and its all his. [points to Allen]
Cop #1: Whats that in your pocket?
Owner: Weed
Cop #1: Alright youre under arrest.
Owner: Its his weed!
Allen: His weed!
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg
Christian Slater’s Monologue
…..Christian Slater
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..David Spade
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mike Myers
…..Chris Farley
Christian Slater: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting the Halloween show. Honestly, I just love Halloween, I think it’s the best holiday of the year. And, I know I’m a little bit old for this, but I’ve got a little uniform here.. [ puts on a pirate outfit ] Now, I don’t care. Let’s go out and trick-or-treat for a little while, okay? It’ll be great! I need my trick-or-treat bag. Let’s see what they have out here! [ runs down the hall ] Hey, Joe!
Joe Dicso: Yes, Christian?
Christian Slater: A little trick-or-treat?
Joe Dicso: I don’t really have anything, Christian.
Christian Slater: Come on, man, it’s Halloween. Trick-or-treat!
Joe Dicso: Uh.. how about some Tic-Tacs?
Christian Slater: [ excited ] Ah, that’s cool! Perfect!
Joe Dicso: A breath freshener? [ drops them in Christian’s pumpkin ]
Christian Slater: [ moving on ] Let’s see, who can I scare in these lovely hallowed halls? [ spots someone ] Hey! Boo! [ continues on, until he runs into Ellen Cleghorne being made up as Queen Shenequa ] Alrighty! Hey, come on! Trick-or-treat!
Ellen Cleghorne: Christian, please..
Christian Slater: Come on, trick-or-treat, I’m a pirate! Alright? give me something, or I’ll make you walk the plank!
Ellen Cleghorne: Here.. here.. take this. [ drops rubber nose in pumpkin ]
Christian Slater: Oh? It’s a rubber nose. There you go, thank you very much! [ continues down the hall, where he runs into David Spade and Tim Meadows ] Boo! Hey, how are you!
Alright, Christian, what’s up?
Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat!
David Spade: [ confused ] What?
Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat! Here you go!
David Spade: I don’t think so.
Christian Slater: Come on, man! It’s my show! Trick-or-treat!
David Spade: [ sighs ] Well, uh.. you want some of this Coneheads merchandizing we have over here?
Christian Slater: Aw, cool, man! Alright, I love it! Action figures, too? That’s the coolest! Thanks! Thi is fantasic! [ moves on ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels hitting on Linda Richman ]
Lorne Michaels: You’re very, very attractive, and –
Mike Myers; Lorne? It’s me.. Mike Myers.
Christian Slater: [ runs in ] Hey Lorne, trick-or-treat!
Lorne Michaels: Enough! Enough, okay? This is childish and unprofessional. Okay? We’ve got a show to do, it’s not the way we work here, okay?
[ Chris Farley enters wearing a huge pumpkin costume and carrying multiple bags of candy ]
Chris Farley: Hey, Lorne!! Trck-or-treat!!
Christian Slater: Oh, my God! Wow, Chris, where’d you get all this candy?
Chris Farley: The audience. Christian! They’re loaded with candy!
Christian Slater: Really?! Wow!
Chris Farley: Yeah, let’s go!
Christian Slater: Okay! Excellent! [ runs onstage with Chris ] We’ve got a great show! Smashing Pumpkins is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker
Dad…..Phil Hartman
Son #1…..Christian Slater
Daughter…..Melanie Hutsell
Son #2…..David Spade
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
[ open on interior, living room – front door opens, as Dad follows histeenaged children inside ]
Dad: Alright, get in here, sit down. [ the kids sit down on thecouches ] Once again, I’ve got half the neighborhood calling mesaying that you’ve egged their homes, turned over their garbage, soakedtheir windows, teepeed their trees..
Ah, don’t worry, Dad. The other half’ll be calling soon! [ grins ]
Dad: Look, I don’t know what gets into you.. you kids.. but, for once, I’m not even gonna try to find out! This year I’ve planned ahead. I’ve asked someone to come by the house and straighten you out!
Son #1: Gee, Dad, you really didn’t have to go to all that trouble.
Daughter: Who is it?
Dad: His name is Matt Foley, and he’s a motivational speaker. Now, he’s been downstairs in the den eating No-Doze for about four hours! [ peeks his head into the next room ] Hey, Matt? Come on up, we’re ready for you!
Matt Foley: [ enters living room bouncing back and forth ] Thanks, Dad! I’ll take it from here! Well, well, well. Now, as your father told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker! Before I begin, I want to tell you a little about myself, so you’ll know where I’m coming from. First off, I am 35 years old.. I am thrice divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! [ approaches Son #2 ] We’ll start with you young man! Now, let me begin with an obvious question: Who threw the egg?
Son #2: I don’t know. But I can tell you what you had for lunch today – a chili dog. [ the teenagers laugh ] No, really, I don’t know.
Matt Foley: [ mimicking ] I.. don’t.. know! Well, that and a nickel will get you a hot cup of jack squat! Young lady, you want to throw in your two cents?
Daughter: No.
Matt Foley: Anybody? Oh, the silent treatment, huh? Well, well, well.. a few minutes ago you were all as lively as a bunch of fish laughing and giggling, throwing eggs around like a short-order cook at a truck stop!“Hey, man, look at me go, throwing eggs! I’m the Egg-Man, coo-coo-ca-choo! [ laughs ] That’s a riot, you kids are having a ball! Well, get over it! [ approaches Son #1 ] Now, what, may I ask, did you hope to accomplish by these shenanigans?
Son #1: Mt personal goal, Matt, was to get the eggs on the side of the house! [ grins ]
Matt Foley: [ laughs ] Well, well, the jokes keep on coming![ approaches Son #2 ] Help me out, young fella, I can’t see real good, is that Bob Hope over there? Huh? You keep it up, pal, there’s a big future in it! Kids, this reminds me of a spooky Halloween story. Dad, that’s your cue. [ Dad turns off the lights, and Matt shines a flashlight below his face ] Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he threw the big game. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house, and then he moved into a van down by the river! Dad, lights! [ Dad turns the lights back on ]
Son #2: Matt, we were just having fun..
Matt Foley: So, you had fun? How do you think the eggs felt? Hey, let’s find out! I’ll be you, and you be the eggs! [ picks Son #2 up and spins him around the room ] “Hey, look at me! I’m gonna throw some eggs around!” [ trips and falls backwards onto the coffee table ]
Dad: [ interceding ] Alright, Matt, I think you made your point..
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you’d sincerely do everyone a great service, and clam up! Now, as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to transform this group of hooligans into a first-class clean-up crew! Don’t worry, kids, we’ll still have Halloween fun! [ retreats to the kitchen ] Who needs candy apples when you’ve got soapy water and a little elbow grease? [ returns with some mop buckets ] Everyone, grab a bucket! [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it, don’t worry about a thing – trick or treat! [ opens door and discovers a flaming bag on the porch ] Oh, my God! [ stomps the flame, smearing feces on the porch ] Oh, my God! Hot foot! Hot foot! [ stomps through the living room and trips on the window curtains ] Don’t worry about a thing, ol’ Matt has it under control! [ wipes his shoe with the curtain ] Looks like Fido had a little hand in this! [ trips again and crashes through the front window ] What are you looking at? I’ve done my job! If you need me, I’ll be extractingglass out of my rear end in a van down by the river!
[ fade to black ]
Trent Markham, Lung Doctor
Dr. Trent Markham…..Phil Hartman
Dick…..Christian Slater
Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Nurse…..Ellen Cleghorne
Announcer: [ ovr SUPER ] The following award-winning medical drama was first broadcast in 1951. Before Quincy, before Marcus Welby, before Dr. Kildare, there was..
[ show title card ]
“Trent Markham, Lung Doctor”!
[ dissolve to scene in hospital room, close-up on an athletic photo of Dick in action, surrounded by ashtrays filled with used cigarettes ]
[ camera pans over to reveal Dick cooped up in bed, his wife by his side puffing away on a cigarette ]
Dick: Ohh, darling, I can’t tell you what it does for me to have you by my side.
Wife: [ sighs ] I just wish there was more I could do, darling.
Dick: No, I’m in good hands, they say Dr. Markham is the best lung doctor in the business.
[ music cues up ]
Dr. Trent Markham: Dick?
Dick: Yes, Doctor.
Dr. Trent Markham: [ a pause ] Maybe you’d better have a cigarette before I go any further.
Wife: Oh, darling, I forgot – I brought your lucky silver lighter! [ pulls out the lighter ]
Dick: Is it really that bad? Oh, darling, what would I do without you? [ Julia Sweeney fumbles to light Christian Slater’s cigarette ] Probably.. light my own cigarette. [ the cigarette is finally lit ] Give it to me straight, Doc!
Dr. Trent Markham: Dick, there’s no way around it. Somehow, you’ve contracted.. Lung Fever!
Wife: Why? Why him?!
Dick: Doctor! Do you have any idea how this could have happened?
Dr. Trent Markham: All we know is that, somehow, the Lung Fever germ got into your system. It could have been from something you ate, something you drank.. even from shaking the hand of a stranger with Lung Fever!
Dick: Does this mean I.. I won’t be able to run the big marathon?
Dr. Trent Markham: It’s too early.. it’s too early to tell.
Wife: [ between tears ] What difference does it make..? So what if you win another trophy, another silver cup to stick up on the mantlepiece, to put your cigarettes in?! We’re talking about your life here!
Dr. Trent Markham: Megan.. may I have a word with you?
Wife: Please excuse us, darling.
[ they step aside ]
Dr. Trent Markham: [ solemn ] I’m afraid I’ve done all I can. [ sighs ] God knows how many nights I’ve stayed up – drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes.. reading the medical journals, trying to find the answer to this Lung Fever riddle! [ a beat ] Now it’s in the Lord’s hands.
Wife: There’s something else, Doctor.. [ gulps ] I’m going to have Dick’s baby!
Dr. Trent Markham: Well, congratulations! Here. [ hands her a cigarette ] Allow me. [ lights her cigarette ] Take a big puff – you’re smoking for two now!
[ smoking Nurse enters with a cart full of cigarette accessories ]
Nurse: Clean ashtrays! [ collects Dick’s dirty ashtrays and replaces them with clean ones ] Cigarette holder?
Dick: Uh.. thank you.. you’re very kind.
Dr. Trent Markham: Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham?
Dr. Trent Markham: Do you distribute cigarette holders to other patients of this ward?
Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham.. if they want them.
Dr. Trent Markham: And are these cigarette holders sterilized at high temperatures after each use?
Nurse: No, doctor.. we simply rinse them in cold water, and then polish them to look attractive.
Dr. Trent Markham: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Here’s your culprit!
Dick: [ shocked ] Dirty cigarette holders?!
Dr. Trent Markham: [ dramatic ] Dirty, Lung Fever-infested cigarette holders!
[ music sting ]
[ dissolve to product sponsor page ]
Anouncer: “Trent Markham, Lung Doctor” is brought to you by.. Lung King, disposable cigarette holders. Because germ-free smoking is worry-free smoking.
[ fade ]
Goodnights
…..Christian Slater
Christian Slater: Well, good night, ladies and gentlemen! I want to thank the Smashing Pumpikins. Peace.. love.. joy. Have a happy Halloween!
[ Billy Corrigan grants Slater a handful of candy ]
Naming The Band
Richard…..Christian Slater
David…..David Spade
Adam…..Adam Sandler
Chris…..Chris Farley
Melanie…..Melanie Hutsell
Mother’s Voice…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on teenagers sitting around Richard’s room playing their guitars ]
Richard: Alright. First off, we need a name for our band, okay? Then we all learn how to play instruments.. then we get gigs.. and then every chick in the school digs us! Alright? So it’s starts with a name. I got two. Zaxxon, or Matrix. I like ’em both – which one?
David: Ugh..
Adam: Neither. How about Ray Gun?
Richard: Yeah. Right. Loverboy sounded good once, too.
David: I liked Loverboy. [ a beat ] Okay, uh.. how about.. Open Casket.
Richard: I don’t know.. it’s a little dark..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! What are you boys doing up there!
Richard: We’re talking, so shut up!!
Mother’s Voice: Don’t you use those words on me! Don’t you tell me to shut up!!
Richard: I swear to God, Ma, you gotta get off my back! [ excited ] Hey! That’s what we can call the band!
David: It’s too long. Okay, how about, um.. The Fairies.
Adam: We’re not gay!
David: I know! That’s the genius! ‘Cause it’s so opposite of what we are!
Richard: [ shaking his head ] No one would get that.
Chris: How about.. Pearl Jam?
Richard: Just shut up, idiot! There already is a Pearl Jam!
Chris: Err.. I mean.. Pearl Jam II.
Richard: [ aggravated ] Bands don’t have sequels! Alright, look – here’s how to do it, okay? Let’s figure out what we’re gonna sing about, and then we’ll think of a name.
David: Alright..
Adam: Okay.. Love, you know. We’ll write about being in love.
Richard: No, man! That’s been covered, that’s old news! Let’s talk about truth!
[ the gang is ecstatic about the idea ]
Richard: Right! And, no matter how big we get, we don’t date models!
David: Yeah.. yeah.. But.. but, can they be pretty girls?
Richard: Yeah. But not models.
Adam: Okay. How.. how pretty can they be?
Richard: [ getting annoyed ] As long as they never got paid for being pretty, okay? [ thinking ] You know, wait a second.. supermodels are okay, alright? But no lowball part-time model chicks! Okay? Now, what’s the truth we’re gonna sing about?
Chris: [ struggling to explain his idea ] How about.. this one time.. I stayed at.. my friend’s house. And, uh.. uh, I got crabs from his ouch, and.. so, I went into the bathroom to kill ’em.. and I set off a bug bomb. And.. and.. I sat in there for about two hours.. and.. I almost died!
Richard: [ nearly left speechless ] Okay, maybe love is good..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! It’s time to see your friends home, you’ve got school tomorrow!
Richard: Would you shut up?! I mean, can’t you just hut up for once in your stinkin’ life?! Just shut up!
Mother’s Voice: I’m gonna get your father to tan your hide when he gets here!
Richard: Good! I’ll sue him!
Mother’s Voice: You couldn’t afford it!
Richard: Yeah, well, I’ll take out a school loan!
Mother’s Voice: Richard, I’m serious! It’s late! Send your friends home!
Adam: Shut.. up!!
Richard: Hey, man.. don’t tell my mom to shut up.
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s go out and buy some pot.
Richard: You have money?
Melanie: No.
Richard: I guess we’re not gonna go get pot, then.
Melanie: Oh.. sorry. [ sits ]
David: Hey, you guys, we’ve gotta write songs about drugs! Alright? Like, remember “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”? Lucy.. Sky.. Diamonds – L.S.D., right? See? Every song from the 70’s is about drugs. Give me any song.
Adam: “Hey Jude”.
David: “Hey Jude”? “Hey Heroin”! “Don’t make it bad”? “Don’t make a bad batch – of heroin.” See? Once you know what they’re doing, it’s easy! It’s like The Who, when they sang “Don’t Get Food Again”? “Food” is heroin!
Adam: [ laughing ] I think it’s “Don’t Get Fooled Again”!
David: No, it’s not! I saw him say it in an interview – he quoted it! And, like, on “Ticket To Ride” – Ride is the heroin trip, and Ticket is your dealer. Wait.. I think the ticket is just a ticket on that one..
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s get some pot!
Richard: [ confused ] Did you just make some money in the last five minutes?
Melanie: No.
Richard: Then, shut up! Plus, you know, I don’t really know if this band smokes pot, alright? It might not be their image! Alright, let’s vote. Who thinks this band should smoke pot?
[ everyone raises their hands ]
Alright. Well, when we’re making the bucks, it’ll be easy to get it.
Chris: [ awkwardly ] Mooney..? Man.. the best way to get some cash flow going.. is to invent something.. We need, like, a killer idea that.. like, the guy who, that, invented the Pet Rock? He’s got it made! ‘Cause.. in.. he.. does nothing.. ever! All he does.. is just kick back in his pad all day, and get baked! Cashing elephant.. checks.. and.. then.. errr.. what.. what was I saying? [ drifts off ]
Richard: Nothing.. nothing. [ the phone rings ] Don’t answer it!
Adam: [ singing and strumming guitar ]
“The phone is ringing
I ain’t gonna answer it.
No, no, can’t pick it up
‘Cuase of what it represents..”
David: Yeah.. yeah! Dude, the phone is heroin.. and answering it is giving in to your habit!
Adam: [ still singing ]
“It’s my baby
She says “Bye bye” —
This song sucks, answer the phone.
Richard: [ answers the phone ] Good, I’m glad! [ slams the receiver ]
Mother’s Voice: Don’t you hang up on me!!
Richard: Would you shut up?!! Guys, look.. you gotta take off, she’s really upset.
David: Alright, alright..
Adam: What time we gonna meet tomorrow?
Richard: Uh.. five o’clock. Alright. And, uh, be thinking of album cover ideas, okay?
David: Alright, great. See you then. [ indicating Chris ] Wake him up..
[ fade ]
Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
October 30th, 1993
Christian Slater
Smashing Pumpkins
None
Smashing Pumpkins, “Cherub Rock”
Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Slater goes trick-or-treating through the studio halls.
(Repeat) See: 04/17/93.
Matt Foley (Chris Farley) attempts to motivate Halloween pranksters.Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.
Russell Clarke (Phil Hartman) is blind to perils of loving to say “Sassy!”Recurring Characters: Russell Clarke, Joey Lawrence.
Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) delivers commentary about Whoopi Goldberg.Adam Sandler gives Halloween costume ideas involving the face.Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.
Teenagers with musical aspirations can’t settle on a name for their band.
Joke headline writer (Slater) thinks all his customers are idiots.Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.
Dr. Markham (Phil Hartman) fails to see link betwen cigarettes and cancer.
Theatre Stories
Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Sir Tristan Kenniworth…..John Malkovich
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Ohh, yes.. hello, and welcome to.. Theatre Stories! I’m your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans – otherwise known in British theatre circles as.. “Cucumber Jones”. With me, uhagghhhh, this evening..! Is acclaimed British actor – winner of five British Academy Awards – please welcome Sir Tristan, erggghhh.. Kenniworth.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Thank you, Cucumber, always a pleasure.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uh, yesss.. Also with us is Theatre Story perennial and mental case, Dame Sara K.. eugggghhhh.. Dame Sara!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. sadly. And, also, with us, a special guest.. uuuhhh.. American film actor and racutner, Charlton, uh.. Heston!
Charlton Heston: Hello, Cucumber! I’m thrilled to be here!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sir Tristan, I’m, of ocurse, reminded of the time, uh.. you were in a production of Lear! At the Hay Market, and.. eaggghhhh.. during the storm sequence, you completely blanked on your lines.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. I didn’t know what to do, so, instead of the line “Fie fie, contempible storm!” I merely went: “Milk, milk, lemonade, the other side is where fudge is made!” And, do you know, ladies and gentlemen, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes! Yes, absolutely, I-I-I remember quite well, it was brilliant! It was.. it was a triumph! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in the theatre! It was exciting to.. oh! [ his body has performed a 180 ] I seem to be rotating! Hold on.. I’ll catch you on the other side.. [ reaches a full 360 turn ] Yes! Wait a moment.. I will be locked into position, and.. there we are! Yes.. yes indeed. Very good. Ahhh.. Sharl-ten Hes-tine – I understand you haaaaaaaggggghhhve.. a very amusing story about the cinematic jaunt.. “the Planet of the Apes”.
Charlton Heston: That’s right, Cucumber.. On “Apes”, we didn’t have a caterer. All we had were ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I’m, uh.. I-I’m thrilled to the marrow, you ghastly American.
Charlton Heston: I’ll kick your ass, you limey pansy!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uhh, what a clever retort.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Am I allowed to say something?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sadly.
Dame Sarah Kensington: I played Ophelia once, to Mr. Potato Head’s Lear! He could never keep his eyebrows on!
Kenneth Rees-Evans: Ohhhh, my God! How very, very terrible. I would imagine it’d be very, very frustrating.. to, uh, work with a performer and be knee-deep with his interchangeable facial features! [ his body jaunts itself forward ] I seem to be completely horizontal! I’m nape with the earth, I’m looking straight at the ground.. [ suddenly corrects his posture ] ..and! There! I’ve snapped out of it! lovely! Sir Tristie – Sir Tristie! Few people know – uggghhh! – that not ohhhhhnly! Have wetrod the booooooardss together.. but that, we’ve also starred in many a-dult films.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. Man-on-man films, mostly. I remember, uhhh.. I had a particularly demanding role in a production of “A Midsummer night’s Cream.”
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. yes, yes, yes.. I, of course, did “Cream” with a young Ralph Richardson. And.. I had to do a very long, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.. soliloquey! Whilst receiving what they call a “French gypsy” from said thespian. And do you know who that actor turned out to be? none other than Ralph Richardson. No word of it a lie – no wooooorrd! Of iiiiitt! A lie.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Mr. Potato Head’s member was twelve inches long, but he never used it as a rule!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: I.. I have always found it’s a challenge to perform a scene in iambic pentameter, whilst peeing on someone!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yeeees, well.. difficult, yes; impossible, no!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Oh, God no.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Noooooo!!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No.
Kenneth Rees-Evans: Noooooo!!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No. I specifically chose the word “challenge”.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. I remember once – ahhhhh – the National was mounting a production of “Barnyard Bunnies”, and I was in a menage-a-trois scene with a young Johnny Gilguld.. and, of course, Dame a-Judy a-Dench. and, as she was being “Dutch-doored”, she completely lost her place. Well, of ocurse, we had to improvise. And do you know who that young actress turned out to be? None other than a young Ralph Richardson.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Really?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: No word of it a lieee!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I’m receiving a transmission from the Mother Ship!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: How terribly fascinating.
Charlton Heston: I’d like to re-lay this story, if I could right noooowww.. I was doing The March of Dimes celebrity tennis tournament, back in Santa Barbaraaaaaa.. And my partner was Bill Cosby, and right before the match, Bill told me he was a big fan of my work. And I said to him that I wish I could return the compliment, but I never liked his work. In “Leonard, Part 6”, he was constantly mugging up a storm! I felt like I was watching Stretch Armstrong. I’d say, “Billy! It’s film.. take it down a notch.” At firs,t he was mad; but, later on, we did a production of “Jurassic Pork“.. asnd we’ve become very tight!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Thank you, Charlton Hes-tine..
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Do I have time to relay an anecdote, from a production of “Two Genitals of Baronna”?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well.. I’m afraid that’s going to have to WAIT!! ‘m afraid that’s going to have to wait! Until another edition of.. eeeuuuuggghhhh! Theatre Stories! I’m your host – Cumcumber Jones. With me, of course, Dame Sara.. thank you, Tristie Kenniworth.. thank you, Charlton Hes-tine! And good night!
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