Month: October 2018

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Himself…..Steven Seagal

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.

Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different!

Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!

Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us.

Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!

Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys!

Hans: That’s right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!

Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!

[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]

Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal?

Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!

Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you!

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know…

Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking…

Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen.

Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell…

Franz: …Zen we lift another…

Hans: …Zen another…

Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another…

Hans: …And Zen another…

Franz: …And Zen we are done.

Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.

Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against.

Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven…

[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]

Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”]

Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying?

Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz!

Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!!

Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.

Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.

Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]

Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson.

Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.

Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.

Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?

[Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]

Together: Welcome. We’re back.

Hans: Once again, I’m Hans.

Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz.

Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up.

[Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]

Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!

Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter!

[They flex some more, then…]

Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [Theyclap]…Night!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Anytime I see something screech across a room
and latch onto someone’s neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh,
because what is that thing?

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I’d like to see a nude opera,
because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

SNL Transcripts

Musicians For Free-Range Chickens

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey
Rick Dees…..Rob Schneider
Whoopi Goldberg…..Chris Rock
…..Michael Bolton
Lenny Kravitz…..Tim Meadows
Kenny Rogers….Phil Hartman
Diana Ross…..Jan Hooks
Carnie Wilson…..Chris Farley
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Axl Rose…..Adam Sandler
Cyndi Lauper…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Petty…..David Spade
Bob Dylan…..Dana Carvey

Casey Kasem: Hello, I’m Casey Kasem. You know, tonight in the #1 spot, a song for a good cause. A cause most people don’t even think about. It all began when TV and radio personality, Rick Dees, and retro-psychadelic singer, Lenny Kravitz, walked into a famous L.A. bistro. They ordered a Caeser salad. But the famous chef told the hungry duo he couldn’t prepare a Caeser salad because the raw eggs so vital to the dressing were not from free-range chickens. Rick Dees flew into a rage, saying, “Chickens are like you and me, except they’re chickens.” He and Kravitz called recent Oscar winner, Whoopi Goldberg. She said, “Listen, my man, we got to do something.. something for the millions of chickens all over the country who live in tiny, overcrowded pens.” Together, they gathered some of the biggest names in the music business. The result, you’re about to see. The title is simple: “Musicians For Free-Range Chickens”.

[ cut to recording studio ]

Rick Dees: Okay, everybody.. let’s do it!

Whoopi Goldberg: Yea-eah!

[ music starts ]

Michael Bolton:
“We’ve turned our backs too long
We see that something’s wrong.”

Michael Bolton & Lenny Kravitz:
“There needs to be some changes made.”

Kenny Rogers:
“Now, we just can’t ignore
The wrongs we’ve done before!”

Kenny Rogers & Diana Ross:
“To you, and every egg you made!”

Carnie Wilson:
“You start inside a shell
You never knew the hell.”

Mick Jagger:
“That was waiting here for you.”

Michael Bolton:
“Now we understand..”

Axl Rose & Lenny Kravitz:
“..you need a helping ha-and!”

Cyndi Lauper:
“So, let us make it clear to you-ou!”

Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Michael Bolton:
“Mister Farmer, take that feed
To the chicken’s throa-oat.”

Axl Rose:
“To the chicken’s throa-oat!”

Lenny Kravitz:
“Let’s build a world
where cages don’t exist.”

Diana Ross:
“Tell the children
To tell the world
To tell the chickens that we are on our way!
So, everybody
I want you to put your hands up like this!
Bring ’em up like this!
I love you! Don’t touch me, I love you!”

Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Michael Bolton:
“Let the chickens be-e-e-e-e-e..!”

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 20th, 1991

Steven Seagal

Michael Bolton

None

Michael Bolton, “Love is a Wonderful Thing”

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Steven Seagal’s Monologue

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

(Repeat) See: 10/20/90.

Nico Tenelli

Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.

All-Star Celebrity Tributes

The Dark Side with Nat X

Recurring Characters: Nat X, Andrew “Dice” Clay.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Hoping nude operas exist.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

Musicians For Free-Range Chickens

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Neck-loving screeching thing.

Date Intimidation

Michael Bolton performs “Time, Love & Tenderness”

Brace Steele: Greenpeace Photograher

SNL Transcripts

Frank & Nancy

Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following segment is a dramatization based on rumor and innuendo that are a lot of fun to think about.”

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior White House, October 12th, 1987, Nancy Reagan’s bedroom ]

Aide: [ enters bedroom ] The President’s almost for his speech, Mr. Reagan. Will you be going downstairs?

Nancy Reagan: Uh.. in a.. in a few minutes. Thank you.

Aide: Great. [ Chinese Delivery Boy enters ] Excuse me.

Frank Sinatra: [ in disguise ] Chinee Food Derivery.

Nancy Reagan: That’s okay! I ordered it!

Aide: Very well.

Frank Sinatra: [ quickly removes his disguise ] Let’s swing, baby! [ they start making out ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, you’re good! Hey, where’d you get the costume?

Frank Sinatra: It’s the Real McCoy, baby! I got it off a delivery boy.

Nancy Reagan: Really? And what’s he wearing?

Frank Sinatra: Wings! [ laughs ] And, look – I got some Mooshu Pork out of it. I figured, after we shtup, we can have some Chink food!

Nancy Reagan: You think of everything! [ they make out some more ]

[ a knock at the door – Nancy gasps, as Frank hides ]

Aide: [ enters ] Sorry, Mrs. Reagan, but we’re about to start.

Nancy Reagan: That’s okay. I’ll be fine up here.

Aide: Alrigt, Ma’am.. good enough. [ notices Frank standing stiff ]

Frank Sinatra: Move on, buddy, I’m a coat rack!

[ Aide exits ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, Frank, you were wonderful!

Frank Sinatra: You’re playing with an old pro, baby. I’ve made it with every First Lady since Elenour Roosevelt!

Nancy Reagan: Oh, no, Frank.. Frank, I don’t want to hear it..

Frank Sinatra: You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane john.

Nancy Reagan: Ohh.. tell me I’m the best, Frank! Tell me I’m the best!

Frank Sinatra: You got the best rack. But a guy could eat off Bess Truman’s ass.

Nancy Reagan: [ inches towards the bed ] Come here, greaseball.. and make me pay!

Frank Sinatra: You can count on it!

[ they start to make out, but Nancy turns on the TV to hear Ronald’s speech ]

Ronald Reagan: [ on TV ] Good evening, my fellow Americans..

Nancy Reagan: Oh, good.. he’s started his speech. I love to watch him on TV – it gets me so hot! It’s like he’s watching me!

Frank Sinatra: I like it, too!

Ronald Reagan: “..great success. Our recent sale of arms to our friends the Iraqis will provide a boost to the economy, as well as protecting our interests abroad. Furthermore, I’ve spoken with the Savings & Loan officials, and I’m convinced that these fellows don’t need government regulations getting in the way of Free Enterprise. Now, before I go into my plan to help the Contras, I’d like to tell you about the man I’ve chosen to skipper a very important oil tanker – Captain Jospeh Hazelwood..”

Nancy Reagan: Oh, yes!!

Frank Sinatra: Start spreadin’ the news!

Nancy Reagan: O-o-o-ohhhhh!! Bring it home, baby!!

Ronald Reagan: ..”in my six years in this office..” [ plasters of the ceiling fall onto him, as he looks up curiously ] That’s just Frank and Nancy going at it. Where was I? Oh, yes.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 17

90q: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Frank Gannon…..Kevin Nealon
Professor Halloway…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Amanda Caldecon…..Catherine O’Hara
Mother #1…..Julia Sweeney
Mother #2…..Jan Hooks

[Man appears dead lying on the floor]

Dr. Caldecon: [crying]

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: I just can’t believe this is happening.

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: Everyone loved George.

Professor Halloway: I’m sure that the police will get to the bottom of this Amanda.

Dr. Caldecon: But who could have killed him? Who could have done it? Who? Who? Who?

Frank Gannon: [approaches scene of crime] That’s what I’m here for ma’am. Frank Gannon, PI. Let’s take a look at the body. [Glances at body, pause] I must be in the wrong place, the captain said a professor had been shot.

Professor Halloway: That’s right, professor Atkins.

Frank Gannon: But this is a black man, this is obviously a drug related crime. I’m looking for the body of a college professor.

Dr. Caldecon: He was a professor.

Frank Gannon: Maybe you should take a closer look, this is clearly the body of a black man.

Professor Halloway: I know, this is the body of professor George Atkins, a college professor who happened to be black.

Frank Gannon: Oh oh I see, a professor of black studies?

Dr. Caldecon: Excuse me, I don’t know why you would make that assumption, he was a professor of history.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, black history.

Announcer: [as music plays] Frank Gannon, PI PI, politically incorrect private investigator.

Frank Gannon: Well anyway whatever kind of history he taight, he’s history right now, and I’m here to find out why he’s history. So if you could just direct me to the professor’s widow, I’d like to ask a couple of questions.

Dr. Caldecon: I’m the professor’s widow.

Frank Gannon: Oh, by widow I mean the woman who was married to the professor, I mean the black woman.

Dr. Caldecon: I was his wife, I was married to the professor for 12 years.

Frank Gannon: Oh ok I see… hippies? Now Mrs. Atkins-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: No I mean you, Mrs. Atkins.

Dr. Caldecon: No my name is Dr. Caldecon.

Frank Gannon: Woah, woah, hold on a minute here. I thought you said you were married to this Atkins guy.

Dr. Caldecon: I was I just didn’t take his name.

Frank Gannon: I see, because he’s black?

Dr. Caldecon: No! Are you an idiot?

Frank Gannon: Let’s calm down Mrs. Cal-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: Hold on a minute now honey, you mean you’re a doctor?

Dr. Caldecon: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see… midwife?

Professor Halloway: Dr. Caldecon is one of the finest orthopedic surgeons in this country.

Frank Gannon: Oh now who are you?

Professor Halloway: I am professor Halloway.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, now I’m supposed to believe there’s two black professors?

Professor Halloway: Amanda, I’m sorry, I’ve done all I can. [walks off set]

Frank Gannon: Alright Dr. Caldecon, let me see if I have this correct. He broke into the house, he startled you, you shot him.

Dr. Caldecon: He lived here!

Frank Gannon: Why would he break into his own house?

Dr. Caldecon: He didn’t break in!

Frank Gannon: Then why did you shoot him?

Dr. Caldecon: I didn’t shoot him!

Frank Gannon: Alright, alright, calm down now. I gotta have you calm before we go any further here on this.

Dr. Caldecon: I didn’t shoot him.

Announcer: [as music plays, shows office door with sign that reads ‘Yes, we’re open of Martin Luther King’s birthday’] And now a scene from next weeks episode of ‘Frank Gannon PI PI, Politically Incorrect Private Investigator’.

[goes to scene with Gannon and two women sitting with a young boy]

Frank Gannon: Alright let me see if I got this correct now. You both adopted little Jason here?

Mother #1: That’s right.

Mother #2: We’re Jason’s legal parents.

Frank Gannon: So you’re the mother and you’re the mother? [pointing to both women]

Mother #2: That’s right.

Mother #1: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Ok but I’m still gonna have to talk to Jason’s two fathers.

Announcer: Next week on ‘Frank Gannon PI PI’.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
just go real limp, because maybe
you’ll look like a dummy and people
will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 13th, 1991

Catherine O’Hara

R.E.M.

Randy Quaid

Kate Pierson

R.E.M., “Losing My Religion”

Frank & Nancy

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Frank Sinatra.

Catherine O’Hara’s Monologue

The Dancer

(Repeat) See: 02/23/91.

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you fall from the Sears Tower.

R.E.M. performs “Losing My Religion”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Justice League of America

Frank Gannon, P.I. P.I.

Recurring Characters: Frank Gannon, P.I. P.I.

In Conclusion Theatre

R.E.M. & Kate Pierson perform “Shiny Happy People”

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stewart Smalley.

Wedding Dress To Funeral

SNL Transcripts

Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party

Dr. Watson…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hudson…..Jan Hooks
Sir Reginald Mustry…..Kevin Nealon
Inspector LeStrade…..Mike Myers
Eileen Adler…..Victoria Jackson
Sherlock Holmes…..Jeremy Irons

[ SUPER: “London, 1893 ]

[ open on exterior, 221 Baker Street ]

[ dissolve to interior, 221 Baker Street ]

Inspector LeStrade: See him yet, Dr. Watson?

Dr. Watson: Not yet, Inspector LeStrade. Professor Moriarty was to keep Holmes at the restaurant until 8:30. If all is going according to plan, he should appear at any moment nowe.

Inspector LeStrade: I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Why, the pipe will fall right out of his mouth, it will!

Dr. Watson: You know, Holmes has never had a “surprise” party before.

Inspector LeStrade: All the more reason for him not to suspect!

[ Mrs. Hudson enters ]

Dr. Watson: Mrs. Hudson, is everything ready?

Mrs. Hudson: The cake is in the kitchen, and the presents are out of sight, Dr. Watson!

Eileen Adler: [ moves away from the window ] Oh! Here he comes!

Dr. Watson: Great Scot! Now, remember: when I say, “How’s the weather, Holmes?” everyone jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I’m all a-flutter!

Dr. Watson: Alright! Hide, everyone! Hide! [ everyone takes their places around the room; Dr. Watson sits down, pretending to read a newspaper, as Shrlock Holmes enters ] Holmes? Is that you?

Sherlock Holmes: [ motions his eyes about the room ] Why, Watson.. a surprise party. How delightful.

Dr. Watson: [ faking naivite ] A suprise party? Why.. whatever are you talking about..?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come, come, my dear Watson. It’s obvious that several of my good friends are hiding in this room at this very moment. For example.. judging by these size 14 Scotland Yard-issued galoshes, I would say that Inspector LeStrade is hiding, at this moment, behind these curtains.

Dr. Watson: Oh.. oh.. oh..

[ Holmes pulls the curtain open, revealing Inspector LeStrade ]

Inspector LeStrade: Alright, you caught me, Holmes.. Happy Birthday..

Sherlock Holmes: And the boughs in the floorboards here tells me that, rather than visiting her sister in Sussex, Mrs. Hudson is on her knees and hands behind the windback. [ pulls the windback out, revealing Mrs. Hudson ]

Dr. Watson: Good Heavens, Holmes! Amazing!

Mrs. Hudson: Very impressive, Mr. Holmes..

Dr. Watson: Well, Holmes, you got everyone one of us.. we’re all here.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Sherlock Holmes: All except for two, WAtson.

Dr. Watson: Two? I.. don’t know what you’re talking about, Holmes..

Sherlock Holmes: It is not I who is doing the talking, Watson. It is the Oriental.

Dr. Watson: [ laughs ] The.. the carpet talking! Preposterous!

Sherlock Holmes: These two set of footprints lead to the alcove, where we shall find a lady of high breeding, accompanied by a gentleman with a pronounced limp. [ pulls curtains, revealing the pair ]

Dr. Watson: Astounding, Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes: Hmm.. Eileen Adler and Sir Reginald Mustry. This is a surprise.

Eileen Adler: Happy Birthday, Sherlock..

Sir Reginald Mustry: Remarkable, Holmes. I injured my ankle just yesterday.

Sherlock Holmes: [ thinking ] Hmm.. riding accident.. Horse spooked by a passing locomotive, I would say?

Sir Reginald Mustry: Yes.

Inspector LeStrade: Well.. I suppose it was a bit presumptious to think that we could fool the great Sherlock Holmes.

Mrs. Hudson: [ wheels out the cake ] Well.. forget the surprise.. but you’re still having a birthday cake, whether you like it or not, Mr. Holmes.. [ starts to light the candles ]

Sherlock Holmes: Stop, Mrs. Hudson! No need to light the other 37 candles. I wont be blowing them out!

Mrs. Hudson: And.. and why not?

Sherlock Holmes: As you attempted to light the first candle, a tiny spark portrayed the presence of magnesium nitrate. These are Jokey Joke Candles! They cannot be blown out!

Mrs. Hudson: Yes, Mrs. Holmes, that’s supposed to be part of the fun!

Sherlock Holmes: Ah! As I suspected!

Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Well, there’s still plenty of fun to be had.. why don’t you open your presents, Holmes? Only, no guessing!

Sherlock Holmes: No guessing required, Watson. [ grabs present ] Ah.. thank you for the new calabash, LeStrade. [ opens present to reveal gift ]

Inspector LeStrade: Amazing, Mr. Holmes! How did you know that?

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I noticed you are smoking a brand new briar, which you purchased yourself when buying me my new calabash.. [ grabs next present ] ..which should come in handy when smoking the packet of cherry walnut tobacco Mrs. Hudson purchased for me at Mrs. Dunhill of Piccadilly.

Mrs. Hudson: Oranges and lemons, the bells of St. Climons! How ever did you know that!

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, Mrs. Hudson. You neglected to remove the label! [ flips tobacco around to reveal label ]

Mrs. Hudson: Ah.

Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs next present ] And this, I think, is from you, Watson.. a new pair of silk stockings, and a garter belt, and lime-green feather boa.

Dr. Watson: Remarkable, Holmes.. though I wish you hadn’t told everyone..

Inspector LeStrade: We all knew.. we all knew..

Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs last present ] And, finally, this rather large package, containing.. a new magnifying glass eith an ebony handle.. [ pulls out the magnifying glass ]

Dr. Watson: Great Scot!

Sherlock Holmes: Now.. I suspect you would like to know the process through which I deduced that there was such a small article in such a large package? [ sits in his chair ]

Everyone: No!!

Mrs. Hudson: You know, a real friend would at least pretend to be surprised, instead of poking a hole in everyone’s bagpipe! Come on, everyone, let’s go, party’s over!

[ they all turn to walk away ]

Dr. Watson: I think I’ll be getting some fresh air as well.

Sherlock Holmes: As you wish, Watson.

[ everyone exits the room; Sherlock Holmes picks up his violin and begins to play “Happy Birthday To You”, then stops to look about the room curiously ]

Sherlock Holmes: Odd. Hmm.. all five, incluing Watson, leaving simultaneuously. Of course. [ stands up to open the door, where he discovers all his friends waiting there for him ] Surprise!

Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Happy Birthday, Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, thank you! Please come in! Why, this is the most exciting birthday I’ve ever had!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts