Month: October 2018

Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul

Connfessor…..Julia Sweeney
Priest…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, Catholic church during confession services ]

Confessor: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one month since..

Priest: Uh.. excuse me.. I hate to interrupt.

Confessor: Oh, I’m sorry. Have I done something wrong?

Priest: Well, the church has asked that we conduct confessions differently now – they’re called reconciliations. The Vatican feels it’s a more personal experience to pull back the screen, so that we can look at each other face-to-face. The option is yours.

Confessor: Well.. okay, if that’s what the Vatican wants..

Priest: Okay. Fair enough. [ pulls back the screen, revealed to be quite handsome for a priest. The confessor is rather taken by his charming good looks. ] Don’t be frightened. This is new for a lot of parishioners. Go ahead and reconcile your sins.

Confessor: So.. you’re the new priest?

Priest: Yes. I’m Father Rod. Rod Forrestor.

Confessor: Um.. I-I’m sorry.. but I just didn’t realzie that you were so.. so..

Priest: Young? [ chuckles ] Some people are afraid that I don’t have enough experience, but, believe me, I do.

Confessor: Oh. Oh, I’m sure you do! [ laughs ] How long have you been a priest?

Priest: Six years.

Confessor: Do you like it?

Priest: Yes. But this time is for you.

Confessor: Oh. Okay.

Priest: Please. Confess.

Confessor: Okay, um.. does my breath smell bad? I had garlic chicken for lunch!

Priest: The breath of any confesor is sweet to the Lord. No, your breath is fine!

Confessor: [ laughs ] Oh, good! Okay. Okay.. what are my sins? I had a bunch when I came in, but now they seem so boring! [ laughs ]

Priest: The Lord finds everything you say fascinating!

Confessor: Oh! Good! Alrighty.. alrighty..

Priest: You seem uncomfortable. Please, relax. We can turn the lights off, if you wish. Or we can do it with the lights on. We can do it out in the pews, if you’d like..

Confessor: Oh, no, here would be just fine!

Priest: Good. Please continue.

Confessor: Okay. So, I, I, I lied to my mnther. She asked if she could come over for dinner, so I said I was busy, but I wasn’t.

Priest: That doesn’t sound so bad. Why don’t you just call her up and say, “Mom, I love you.”

Confessor: I love you. Okay! Let’s see.. what else? Oh, uh.. uh.. I went to the grocery store, and the clerk missed an item and I didn’t draw it to her attention, so I guess that’s a sin of omission.

Priest: Was it a very expensive item?

Confessor: Oh, no. It was just some Pamprin. Well, um.. every month I, I, I gain some water weight.. You see, each month, an adult woman..

Priest: I understand how a woman’s body works.

Confessor: Oh! [ giggles ] I’m sure you do! Um.. okay, of course you would..

Priest: Okay. Let us end now, and while you say your Act of Contrition, please try to remember that the power of forgiveness is strong. Let it enter you.

Confessor: Okay. [ giggles and sniffs Priest’s hair as he silently prays for her forgiveness ] Oh, I forgot one! I’ve had impure thoughts! Very recently! [ laughs ]

Priest: That’s alright. God forgives you.

Confessor: Oh, okay. Oh, I thought of another one! Um.. I ate an entire box of cookies this week. On Tuesday. Oreos. I love them! [ laughs ]

Priest: Well, that’s not really a sin.

Confessor: But I’m on a very strict diet!

Priest: But it still isn’t a sin.

Confessor: Ohh.. But it was still losing control, and that’s not good. I just love Oreos. Do you like Oreos?

Priest: Well, I don’t mind confessing to you that I have a bit of a sweet tooth myself. I love Oreos!

Confessor: Oh! I’ll tell you a secret – I like to dunk them in milk!

Priest: [ laughs ] Well.. this is a little embarrassing, but.. I still like to spread the cookie open and lick the creamy center.

Confessor: [ melting ] I just want to tell you that I am having a really great time! Reconciliation is great! Can we do this again sometime?

Priest: [ laughs ] Reconciliation should be a weekly part of a Catholic’s life. I’m here every Tusesday and Thursday evening.

Confessor: Oh! Tuesday sounds great!

Priest: I’ll start the prayer of absolution now.

Confessor: Alright.

[ she watches in admiration as he prays for her sins ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Whitney Houston
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Arthur Kent
Audience Member…..Conan O’Brien

Alec Baldwin: This is the second time that I’ve been asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s quite an honor! The last time I was here, I guess the feeling was that things went pretty well. In fact, the show was nominated for an Emmy. So, I suppose I must have done something right!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, no.. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the Emmy.. I don’t want to come off as sounding cocky..

Alec Baldwin: Although, I’ve gotta say, anyone would look good working with this cast. They even did a great show with Dennis Hopper!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Hmm.. maybe putting down Dennis Hopper wasn’t such a good idea, either.. It makes me sound even more cocky..

Alec Baldwin: By the way, I hope that didn’t sound like a putdown! I’m not saying that I’m that great of an actor, either! The last show was probably a fluke!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I’m not sure that helped.. Maybe I’m just digging a hole I’ll never get out of..

[ cut to Victoria Jackson watching on a monitor backstage ]

Victoria Jackson’s Inner Thoughts: Uh-oh.. I wonder what’s wrong with Alec.. He was so confident last year.. but now, he seems racked with doubt..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: This is already not as good as last year.. I wonder if I can recover..

[ cut to Boom Operator ]

Boom Operator’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this is my fault.. He was so good last year.. Maybe I’m not very good at my job.. Maybe the Union should hire only the most qualified boom operators, not just relatives..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I was in such a rush today, I.. I wonder.. did I leave the iron on?

Whitney Houston’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this was the wrong week to do the show.. Maybe I should have waited ’til March 16th, for Michael J. Fox.. He seems so confident..

Jon Lovitz’s Inner Thoughts: Maybe it was a mistake to leave the show.. I mean, look at me.. six months later, I’m still hanging around.. Man, I need to get a life..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I think I forgot to turn on my phone machine.. of course, after this show, maybe that’s for the best..

Arthur Kent’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m really as handsome as Alec Baldwin..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if Dennis Hopper has a TV..

Audience Member’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m facing the right way..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if they can tell I’m having a moment of doubt.. And is tonight’s show really any good..

Alec Baldwin: [ snaps out of it ] Anyway.. we’ve got a great show tonight. Whitney Houston is here! And, on a more serious note, all our thoughts are halfway around the world right now, with our troops in the Persian Gulf. But we’re here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 14

90n: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
Jack Germond…..Chris Farley
Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon

[Fade in. Theme music plays; superimposed title appears, then fades]

John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: high noon. Saddam says “No”, Bush says “Go”. How long will it last? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, George Bush is playing hardball here, and I think we could possibly see…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Eleanor Clift.

Eleanor Clift: Well, if I were George Bush…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Jack Germondo.

Jack Germond: Well, Bush is weighing his political clout against…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Issue 2: Gorbachev endorses Bush. Politically-motivated Gorby: friend or foe? Morton Kondracke!

Morton Kondracke: Well, Gorbachev is playing a very interesting…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: I think the Soviets are in very good postion t–

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! On a scale from 14-32, 14 being of absolute metaphysical certitude and 32 being fairly likely, what are the chances of Gorby breaking ranks? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Wait… 14 to 32?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Uh, 21?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! The correct answer is 19.24. You were close, Mortone. Next issue! The infinite universe: some pundits say no. If not, then what’s at the end? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Boy, that’s not my area…

John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uh, maybe another dimension…

John McLaughlin: Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Well, there’s no real way to determine…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! The universe is finite; at the very edge there’s a giant brick wall guarded by a mean dog. Issue number 3: Who was my favorite Beatle? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I dunno… uh, John?

John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: Maybe Paul?

John McLaughlin: Mortony-tone!

Morton Kondracke: I say Paul!

John McLaughlin: WRONG! They were all equally fab. [while pulling out inkblot on card] Issue number 4: this inkblot. What does it look like? Eleanorus!

Eleanor Clift: A-a butterfly?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mor-tiny-toons-on-tv!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I say it looks kind of like an airplane…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! Jack Ger-mon-do!

Jack Germond: I dunno, 2 scud missiles?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! It’s my mother, stealing my penis! [puts down inkblot in front of him] Next issue! [takes a gold coin out from his right pocket] Which hand is the gold coin in?… [holds it between right thumb and index finger, showing it to the others, then thrusts out his fists in front of him with a sudden flourish] Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uhhh… the left hand?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ellie-may?

Eleanor Clift: I — I don’t know, left?

John McLaughlin: Mondo-Jacky-germ!

Jack Germond: I’ll say right!

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! [as he opens his empty fists and then removes the coin from his right ear] It’s not in either hand, it’s in my ear! And look, it has chocolate inside; that’s for you, Mortone! [hands the coin over to Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: [accepting the coin] Thank you, John.

John McLaughlin: I’ve still got the floor!!! Issue number 6: am I regular? Mor-tony-tenille!

Morton Kondracke: Well… (clears throat twice) I don’t really know…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! At-Pay uchanan-Bay!

Pat Buchanan: You know, I’m not especially interested in…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! It’s all you think about! …Jacky-germ-germ-germ-germy-mon-mon-mon-mony-dough-dough-dough-doughma-dinga-dong-ding, blue moooonnnnn. [singing the last two words]

Jack Germond: What was the question?

John McLaughlin: Am I regular?!

Jack Germond: No.

John McLaughlin: WRONG! [as he picks up a container of Metamucil from the floor and shows it to the audience] I am regular, thanks to Metamucil! Comple-[audience laughter interrupts] Completely natural, and proved by scientists! Metamucil: when you need it, it’s there. Available at TruValue and Walgreens everywhere. [as he puts down the container] Next issue! Issue 7: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!

Pat Buchanan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?”

John McLaughlin: El Clifto!

Eleanor Clift: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?’

John McLaughlin: More-tons-of-fun!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I think it’s “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

John McLaughlin: WRONG!!! The correct answer is: “Show-show-show, here we go!”

[Applause as SNL theme music starts. Scene fades to opening credits sequence.]

Submitted by: jgs

SNL Transcripts

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Actor”

Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
…..Alec Baldwin
Handsome Testimonial…..Conan O’Brien

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson. Perhaps you recognize me. I’ve done everything from soaps to Shakespeare. I can get any part I want. How do I do it? Simple. I’m a Handsome Actor! I haven’talways been a Handsome Actor.. [ laughs handsomely ] I used to be a plain actor. [ holds up plain-looking photo of himself ] Oh, don’t get me wrong.. I was talented.. but I wasn’t handsome. So I developed a technique to help myself and hundreds of other plain actors become Handsome Actors! Perhaps you’ve heard of Robert Wagner.. Patrick Duffy.. and, of ocurs,e David Hasselhoff. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” And now, I’d like you to meet one of success stories.

[ Alec Baldwin walks out ]

Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m Alec Baldwin.. and I’m a Handsome Actor! [ acts handsomely with Lank ]

Lank Thompson: Alec, would you care to demonstrate some of the techniques I’ve taught you?

Alec Baldwin: I’d love to, Lank. [ sits down behind desk ]

Lank Thompson: The first thing to remember, is to begin every scene with your back to the camera.

Alec Baldwin: [ sitting back to the camera, turns around suddenly ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica. I know where you’ve been.”

Lank Thompson: Always wear glasses, so you can snap them off for a handsome effect.

Alec Baldwin: [ now wearing glasses ] “My God!” [ snaps off glasses ] “A meteor that size could destroy the Earth!”

Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] In any scene where you have to sign documents, never look at what you’re signing!

Alec Baldwin: “Gentlemen, a hostile takeover’s a dirty business..” [ Secretary brings in some papers, which he signs without lifting an eye ] “Anyone who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now!“

Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] When you’re making a phone call, never dial. Just pick up and start talking!

Alec Baldwin: [ picks up phone and starts talking ] “Senator? Meet me in an hour! There’s someone I think you should meet!”

Lank Thompson: Okay! Let’s incorporate all these techniques, into one scene!

Alec Baldwin: [ back to camera, turns around suddenly, with glasses on ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica.” [ snaps his glasses off ] “I already know there’s a meteor headed for the Earth!” [ Secretary brings in papers, which he signs without looking up ] “But while there’s still time, I think I’d like to see a hostile takeover. Anybody who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now.” [ picks up phone ] “Senator? Send over your limo to pick up Jessica, please.”

Lank Thompson: [ makes handsome gestures with Alec ] Congratulations, Alec! You performed that.. handsomely! [ laughs handsomely ] You know.. all these techniques can be learned from one cassette. “Lank Thomnpson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” Here’show to order!

Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor”, call 1-800-555-LANK. Remember: don’t dial, just pick up the phone.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! now it’s time for questions.

Handsome Testimonial: Well, I’ve taken your course on Handsome Acting, and I think it’s wonderful! But how can you explain the success of French actor Gerard Depardeu.

Lank Thompson: [ stumped ] I’d love to answer your question, but.. um.. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time! Thanks for joining us, but.. hey! Get Handsome!

[ fade out, as Lank and Alec make more handsome gestures to one another ]

SNL Transcripts

Cyrano de Bergerac

Christian…..Alec Baldwin
Roxanne…..Jan Hooks
Cyrano de Bergerac…..Tim Meadows

[ SUPER: “Paris, France” ]

[ cut to Christian reading poetry to Roxanne below her balcony, night ]

Christian: “..to be held in your arms.. to touch your skin.. to feel the sweet breath that comes from within. That is all I need to live.” I wrote that for you, Roxanee. What do you think? [ no response ] Roxanne?

Roxanne: [ waking from her daydream ] Oh.. I’m sorry. Are you still there?

Christian: Yes. I was reading a poem I wrote for you. I could read another.

Roxanne: [ sighing ] If you must..

Christian: [ reading ] “I would sell my soul to Satan just to see your face..”

Roxanne: Yes, yes, yes. Christian, your efforts are noble, but your words.. do not move me.

Christian: I won’t quit. I must have you as my own. I will return tomorrow and try again.

Roxanne: [ disinterested ] Whatever.

[ Christian runs off into the night ]

[ dissolve to Christian discussing his dilemma with Cyrano de Bergerac ]

Christian: Oh, Cyrano, my old friend.. tell me how to woo a woman’s heart.

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ close-up reveals his nose to be bigger than ever fabled ] Well, for me.. it has not been an easy task, having been cursed with the widest nose in all of France.

Christian: But isn’t it true what they say of men with big noses?

Cyrano de Bergerac: What is that?

Christian: Wll, you know.. Big nose.. uh..

Cyrano de Bergerac: No. That only works for long noses. Christian, to win the heart of a woman, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Christian: Please teach me! Help me win her heart! Come with me to this court tonight! You shall be my voice!

Cyrano de Bergerac: Agreed!

[ dissolve to Christian and Cyrano de Bergerac returning to Roxanne’s balcony ]

Christian: There she is. Quickly! Go there and speak for me. [ Cyrano hides ] Roxanne, it’s me. Christian. I’ve come again.

Roxanne: I.. I.. can’t see you. Come out into the moonlight.

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ lip-synching ] No, baby. Just like making love.. it’s better in the dark. Hit it! [ music starts to play ] “Oh, baby.. lookin’ at you on that balcony, arouses the man in me. you got what I want, and I got what you need. I’m the gardener of love, lett me plant the seed. Girl, you turn me on, baby, I’ll roll you over, massage your back, your thighs.. kiss you in places that’ll make you cross your eyes. Oh, baby, yea! I got it all, right on! I swaer, you got it all together. You feel good, don’tcha? Right on! Tonight’s the night, oh yea.. oh, yea, mmm, oh baby!“

Roxanne: [ turned on ] Oh, Christian! You’ve never expressed your love so tenderly! Oh! I.. I.. feel faint.. I desire you!

Christian: [ panicking ] Oh, not yet, my love!

Roxanne: Yes! Now! I must have you tonight! [ runs to come downstairs to the courtyard ]

Christian: Cyrano, what shall we do?

Cyrano de Bergerac: Quickly, Christian! We must flee!

Christian: There isn’t time!

[ Roxanne appears in the courtyard, confused ]

Roxanne: What is this?

Christian: I cannot lie. This is my friend Cyrano. It was he that spoke the words that wooed you. It is not me that you desire.

Roxanne: Him? But his nose is so wide! And you.. your face is so handsome.

Christian: I’m sorry that I deceived you. I will go. [ steps away ]

Roxanne: [ pulls him back ] Oh, no, no, wait! I may have fallen in love with his voice.. but it’s your face that I love, also.

[ slow zoom up to the balcony ]

[ dissolve to Christian and Roxanne making out in her bed, the sexy music playing in the background, Cyrano doing all the necessary talking while casually flipping through a magazine ]

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ lip-synching ] “Oh, baby.. it’s you I want. Oh, baby.. it’s you that I need. Oh, baby.. yeah. Oh, yeah, baby..”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 23rd, 1991

Alec Baldwin

Whitney Houston

Arthur Kent

Jon Lovitz

Evander Holyfield

Whitney Houston,”I’m Your Baby Tonight”

The McLaughlin Group

Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin.

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

The Dancer

The Honest Planet

The Sinead O’Connor Awards

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Sinead O’Conner.

Whitney Houston performs “I’m Your Baby Tonight”

Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor

Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

Pan Am Ad

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan, Tom Petty.

The Godfather, Part IV

I’m Chillin’

Recurring Characters: Onski, B-Fats.

Whitney Houston performs “All The Man I Need”

Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul

Cyrano de Bergerac

SNL Transcripts

Victoria’s Secrets

…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Victoria’s Secrets”.

Victoria Jackson: Good evening. This week, I have three secrets that I’d like to reveal to you.. but please don’t tell anyone.

The first secret is: A lot of people ask me, “Are you as dumb as you appear on the show?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” I never watch the show.

My second secret is: A lot of men ask me, “How do you like it?” And I say, “Like what?” And they say, “You know. Your sex.” And I say, “My sex, like being a woman? Or like, having sex?” And they say, “The second one.” And I say, “I forgot. Which one was the second one?” And they say, “Victoria, don’t do that stupid character.” And I say, “I’m not doing a character.” And they get mad and walk away.

My third secret is: I’m not wearing anything under my bra.. I don’t think. Just skin. And under the skin, just two saline implants. But, sshh! Don’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret. [ blows kiss and winks ]

Announcer: This has been “Victoria’s Secrets”.

SNL Transcripts

Misery II

…..Dana Carvey
…..Jon Lovitz
Annie…..Roseanne Barr
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on exterior, Rocky mountain Celebrity Theatre ]

[ dissolve to interior, Dana Carvey performing on stage ]

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Colorado! Thank you very much, you’re too kind! You know, you’ve been a great audience, and I just want to say that tonight’s show was kind of.. special.. because it was.. the last time I will ever do the Church Lady. After tonight, she’s dead. [ audience awws ] No, that’s very kind.. no, it’s about time to put the little lady to bed. I just want you all to know that.. you were the last to see her. Good night, Colorado, I love you! Thank you very much, good night!

[ dissolve to Dana Carvey driving back after his performance, camera zooms out to reveal Jon Lovitz as his passenger ]

[ Music Over: “Shotgun” ]

Jon Lovitz: Hey, Dana, are you really gonna retire the Church Lady?

Dana Carvey: Yeah.. yeah, I am.

Jon Lovitz: [ thinking ] Can I do it?

[ suddenly, they both scream, as Dana lose control of the car and it flies over an embankment into the snow ]

[ show figure retrieving Dana from the snow ]

[ dissolve to close-up of Annie’s face, looking at Dana from above as he comes to ]

Annie: Mr. Carveyyy.. Mr. Carveyyy…

[ SUPER: “Misery II” ]

Annie: Are you waking up?

Dana Carvey: ..Where am I..?

Annie: You had a terrible accident, but you’re going to be alright.

Dana Carvey: Who.. who are you?

Annie: I’m your #1 fan. I pulled oyu out of your car. I left Mr. Lovitz.. I thought it would be best. [ Dana squirms ] Oh, no.. don’t try to move, Mr. Carvey. your legs are banged up pretty darn bad.

[ Annie pulls blanket back to reveal Dana’s scraggled legs twisted in all directions ]

Dana Carvey: [ screams in agony and pain ]

Annie: You’d better eat something, Dana. It’s okay if I call you “Dana”, isn’t it?

Dana Carvey: Uh.. sure.. you saved my life..

Annie: And! I’m your #1 fan. Gosh, I just can’t believe I have the Church Lady right here in my house! [ looks at Dana ] You’d better eat some soup, though. It’s yummy. You know what – and tell me if I’m out of line – I would just love to hear you say.. “Isn’t that special?”

Dana Carvey: You know, I-I-I’m not really feeling up to a performance..

Annie: Oh? Even for your #1 fan?! The person who’s feeding you soup?! The person who saved your life?!

Dana Carvey: Okay.. okay.. [ mimics Church Lady ] “Well.. isn’t that special..?”

Annie: Oh! Oh, I just love her! I just love her! I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to her, you know?! I swear to God, I think I would just go completely insane!!

Dana Carvey: [ worried ]

Annie: Do that other thing, you know? Do that other thing I like, where you go.. “Who could it be? Could it be..” uh.. you know, you know, you know how it goes.. it goes, “Could it be..”

Dana Carvey: “Could it be, oh, I don’t know..”

Annie: “Satan-atan-atan-atan!” Oh, I love that echo! [ Dana is silent ] Oh, I’m sorry, I did your part. Did I make you fel all ooky? I’m so sorry. I hate myself! I ruin everything.

[ Annie exits room, slams the door in shame ]

[ Dana looks at his mangled legs and cries in pain ]

[ dissolve to cabin exterior, as scene shifts to later in the day ]

[ Annie runs back into the room ]

Annie: Dana? Dana? Oh, I don’t mean to wake you, but.. I went into town, and look what I found! [ holds out items ] A wig and some glasses, just like the Church Lady wears!

Dana Carvey: Annie, are you, uh.. sure the phones aren’t working? You know, I-I-I really should call Lorne in New York, I have a show to do.

Annie: And I also got the review of your show! I’m going to go in the other room and read it, I just can’t wait to see what it says! [ snorts like pig, then exits room; re-enters seconds later with an angry scowl on her face ] How could you?! You killed her! Mr. Man!! [ smacks Dana’s leg with the rolled-up newspaper ] You killed the Church Lady!! You killed her, you murderer!! [ continues to smack Dana’s legs ]

[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]

Lorne Michaels: Sheriff.. it’s Lorne Michaels calling from New York. One of my cast members is missing. Dana Carvey. We need him for the opening of the show. Yeah, he does this funny impersonation of President Bush. You know.. “It wouldn’t be prudent.. nah gah dah it!” [ laughs ] People love it!

[ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]

Dana Carvey: [ now forced to dress like the Church Lady ] “Well, isn’t that convenient?”

Annie: [ elated ] Oh, it’s just so great to have the Church Lady back alive again! I just love her so much! I just love her so much! Could you do that tingly-bulbous thing?

Dana Carvey: [ desperately does the tingly-bulbous Church Lady face ]

[ dissolve back to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]

Lorne Michaels: Sheriff, Lorne Michaels again. I have an idea for the opening, I want to run it by you. Since we’ve given up on Dana, we have this new thing now, with this guy who says people’s names over and over. Like, he would call you “Sheriff.. the Sheriffster.. the Sheriff-rama.. as in, “he Sheriff-rama, on the phone with the Lorne-meister.” Oh, it’s the new thing, people just love it!

[ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]

Annie: Look what I found, Dana! Some orthopedic shoes – you know, just like the Church Lady wears!

Dana Carvey: No, no, Annie.. whatever you’re thinking of doing.. don’t do it! Please, don’t! [ Annie squeezes the shoes onto Dana’s mangled feet ] Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!

Annie: Ohh.. well, you’re feet are so swollen, and I just have to kind of.. push them a little bit..

Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!

Annie: Almost done..

Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!! [ lunges for Annie, punches her on the back ] Die, bitch, die! Die! Isn’t this special, huh! Isn’t this convenient! Witch!! Agghh!!

[ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]

Dana Carvey: [ shoves Church Lady wig into Annie’s mouth ] Eat it! Eat it, Annie!! Do you like that!! Die!! Die!! Die!!

[ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]

Dana Carvey:

[ off-camera gunshot downs Annie once and for all; snow-covered Jon Lovitz appears standing in the doorway of the bedroom ]

Dana Carvey: Jon! I.. I thought you were dead.

Jon Lovitz: [ raises arm ] Acting! [ shoots Dana dead, then picks up Church Lady glasses to put on his own face ] “Wellll.. isn’t that special?”

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

MetroCard

Representative…..Phil Hartman
Customer…..Roseanne Barr

Customer: It was raining pretty hard when I got into Cincinnati. It was a long flight, and I was in the taxi when I noticed I lost my credit card. It was pretty late, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when the manager of the hotel suggested I call the MetroCard 24-hour help line. Because I wouldn’t be talking to a recording. I’d be in touch with a real person. [ smiles ]

[ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Representative: Okay, so I’m sitting here at, like, 3:00 in the morning, I haven’t had a break in two hours! And the phone rings, and there’s some guy on the other end with this big hard-luck story, you know? And I’m listening, he goes on about Cincinnati, and the airport, and the rain and the taxi cab.. and he just won’t get to the point, you know? So I ask him, “What do you want me to do about it? Bust out crying?” Like I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to him bitch!

Customer: She got right to the point, and wanted to know what she could do about it. So I told her I’d need another card as soon as possible, since I’d be taking clients out the next day.

Representative: Now, this is the part that gets me! Okay, he’s telling me how he needs a new card when he gets up in the morning! You know, like he called the Credit Card Fairy, or something! Like I’ve got some magic wand, and all I’ve got to do is wave it around and fix everything for him! So I’m thinking about, so I ask him, “Hey, if I’ve got that kind of power over time and space, what the hell am I doing here talking to a loser like you at three in the morning!” Of course, he doesn’t have an answer for that!

Customer: I didn’t have the information she needed. So I deicded I’d call back.

Representative: So he hangs up! And I’m sitting there, and the phone rings, and I pick it up and say “Hello?” You know? And then there’s a pause, and then a dial tone. So, almost immediately, the phone rings again, and I pick it up and say, “Hell-o-o-o-o??” And so there’s this really long pause there this time, and this fake, really phone, English accent: “I lost my card at the airport.” You know? And I say, “I know who you are!” And then he gets really mad and tells me I’m supposed to help him! You know, like I’mhis Mom, or something. So I say, “Why don’t you call home and have somebody wire you the money? Or call your company and tell them the problem? Or, better yet, why don’t you take a personal check out of your checkbook, roll it up real tight, and then cram it!“

Customer: She gave me several options. And, well, verything worked out okay.

Representative: Oh, you know, I get a lot of calls from people who want to raise their credit limit.. But, of coure, you know, the only people calling up at 3 a.m. are usually deadbeats, and there’s nothing you can do for ’em, you know? But once in a while you get that call from someone who really needs your help, and you tell ’em what to do, and they hang up and they leave you aone, and that’s when you feel real good!

[ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Announcer: MetroCard. Because real problems have real people.

SNL Transcripts

Comedy Killers

Chip Bodecker…..Kevin Nealon
Rick Hurley…..Rob Schneider
Lori Turkin…..Roseanne Barr
Judy Rifkin…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: It’s time for America’s most offensive game show, “Comedy Killers”! And here’s your host, Chip Bodecker.

Chip Bodecker: Welcome to “Comedy Killers”! Alright, now for our new viewers, let’s explain how the game works. In stand-up comedy, a comedy killer is anything – it could be a word, a phrase, a topic – that is so tasteless or upsetting, that, upon hearing it, an audience will simply refuse to laugh, and instantly turn on the performer – hence, a comedy killer. Alright, let’s take a look at the board and our Comedy Killer categories – Cancer, Violence Against Women, The Holocaust, Recent Plane Crashes, The Kennedys, Child Abuse, and Potpourri. And we’ll start off with our returning champion, Rick Hurley.

Rick Hurley: Chip, I’ll take Cancer for $100.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “A certain part of the body is usually a sure laugh, but not when afflicted with this.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Rectal Cancer?

Chip Bodecker: Good! Good! Rectal! Usually a big laugh-getter, rectal cancer. A real comedy killer. As in, “I hope you get rectal cancer.” Alright, okay, Lori, you’ve got the board.

Lori Turkin: Okay, I’ll take Child Abuse for $200.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “Texas and Florida lead the nation in this comedy killer.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy?

Judy Rifkin: What are children trapped in wells?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Children trapped in wells. No audience will laugh at that. Okay, let’s talk to our three stand-ups right now. You all know rick Hurley, our champion from Milwaukee.

Rick Hurley: That’s right, Chip. I work out of the Comedy Cellar there.

Chip Bodecker: Alrighty. And our challengers.. Judy Rifkin, you’re from..

Judy Rifkin: Yeah, uh.. I work the Laugh Barn in Boston.

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have quite a comedy killer story for us?

Judy Rifkin: Yeah! [ laughs ] Well, I was working the Laugh Inn at Spokane, and I did a long hunk in my act about the Ronald McDonald house. I mean, you know the home for, uh..

Chip Bodecker: Right, right, very sick children.

Judy Rifkin: Very sick children. And, uh, evidently it turns out that it’s a really good cause that a lot of people feel very, very strongly about, including the manager of the club, whose son –

Chip Bodecker: Okay, say no more. Let’s move on before we grind the show to a complete halt.

Judy Rifkin: Right.

Chip Bodecker: Okay. Lori Turkin, you are from?

Lori Turkin: Oh, Chip, I work out of San Diego at the Mike N’ Stool.

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have a doozy of a comedy killer story for us?

Lori Turkin: Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I’m pretty big down there in San Diego and everything. So, this one time, they asked me to come and sing the National Anthem at a Padres game?

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh?

Lori Turkin: Anyway, I thought it would be sort of funny to do a wise guy rendition of it, you know?

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And, did the audience like it?

Lori Turkin: No. No, they hated it.

Chip Bodecker: Did they laugh?

Lori Turkin: Oh, no. They just hated it.

Chip Bodecker: So, the National Anthem is a real comedy killer?

Lori Turkin: Well, in my experience, I’d have to say yes.

Chip Bodecker: Okay, let’s get back to the game. Judy, you have the board.

Judy Rifkin: Okay, let’s try The Kennedys for $100.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “The only Kennedy you can safely make fun of.” [ Rick beats Judy to the buzz ] Rick, you were first.

Rick Hurley: Who is Ted Kennedy?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Yes! Ted Kennedy! Ted Kennedy. Not a respected figure.

Rick Hurley: Alright, let’s try Recent Plane Crashes for $200.

Chip Bodecker: “Assad of Syria, our new friend, assisted terrorists responsilbe for this crash.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy.

Judy Rifkin: What is Pan Am Flight 103?

Chip Bodecker: Yes, yes. He financed the bombimg, and now he’s our ally against Iraq. Our new friend. Judy?

Judy Rifkin: Uh.. I guess I’ll take Potpourri for $300, huh?

Chip Bodecker: “A comedy killer in America, in Sweden the subject of a popular sitcom.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Abortion?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Abortion! Lori.

Lori Turkin: Okay, Potpourri for $400.

Chip Bodecker: Lightning Round! Okay, Lori, you know how it works – I name the audience, you give me the comedy killer.

Lori Turkin: I’m ready!

Chip Bodecker: Okay. Chicago Bears Boosters Club.

Lori Turkin: Brian Piccolo!

Chip Bodecker: Pediatric Nursing Association?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. crack babies!

Chip Bodecker: Alright, you’re on a roll. Republican National Convention.

Lori Turkin: [ thinking desperately ] Oh oh oh oh oh oh – John Hinckley!

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Democratic National Convention.

Lori Turkin: [ thinking ] Um um um.. ohhhh.. uh, one of the Kennedys.

[ wrong answer ]

Chip Bodecker: Oh, sorry! The answer is.. Michael Dukakis. Michael Dukakis. We also would have accepted Walter Mondale. [ music pots up ] Oh, that’s the end of Round 2, and now it’s time for Final Comedy Killer. Stand-ups, you have ten seconds. The Final Comedy Killer answer is: “This is the greatest comedy killer of all time.” [ Final Comedy Killer theme plays, as stand-ups come up with their answers ] Okay. Rick, you scatched out “Martin Luther King”, and put down “Birth Defects”. A better choice, but wrong. And you wagered? Oh, $100. Sorry, Rick, that leaves you with zip.

Rick Hurley: I just want to say that, to me, there’s nothing sadder than birth defects. And I’ll be appearing at hte Laughateria in Cleveland next week – two shows!

Chip Bodecker: Alright. Judy, you’re in second place, you said, “Space Shuttle Challenger”. Ooh.. real comedy killer. But that’s wrong. And you wagered $100.. so you have $300. [ moving on ] Okay. Lori, you’re in the lead. For the all-time comedy killer, you wrote, “The National Anthem”. No. I don’t blame you one bit, but remember, we’re looking for the greatest comedy killer of all time. Alright, the all-time comedy killer.. is the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Yes. It happened in 1914, it started World War I. Absolute comedy death for years and years. The mention of of it would quiet any crowd. And, Lori, you wagered $100. Leaving you $700! And you are our new champion! Yes! Alright! Well, that’s all for today, we’ll see you next time on “Comedy Killers”! And, remember, until then, anything could be unfunny. But it takes something really unfunny to be a comedy killer. Good night!

SNL Transcripts