Month: October 2018

Middle-Aged Man

Teenager #1…..Dana Carvey
Teenager #2…..Chris Rock
Middle-Aged Man…..Mike Myers
Housewife #1…..Jan Hooks
Housewife #2…..Victoria Jackson
Drinking Buddy…..Chris Farley

[ open on two Teenagers trying to work on their car ]

Teenager #1: How does this thing work?

Teenager #2: I don’t know, man, I’ve never done this before..

Teenager #1: Ah, I’m never gonna make it to the concert now..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help! Always hook positive to positive.. when the dead car starts, remove the cables immediately! You know, you ought to put some baking soda on those battery terminals! That way, they won’t corrode!

Teenager #1: [ impressed ] Wow.. I never would have thought of that! How do you know this stuff?

Middle-Aged Man: I know, because I’m.. Middle-Aged Man!

[ dissolve to opening credits for “Middle-Aged Man” ]

[ SUPER: “Middle-Aged Man, with Ed Miles” ]

Jingle: “Middle-Aged Man. Middle-Aged Man.
He has powers and knowledge that are far beyond younger men.
Middle-Aged Man.
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, yet losing his sex drive.
Middle-Aged Man.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Affair”.

[ open on two Housewives having coffee in the kitchen ]

Housewife #1: I think Larry is having an affair.

Housewife #2: Oh, no.. you really think so?

Housewife #1: I just wish there was someway I could find out for sure..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help!

Housewife #1: What? Who are you?

Middle-Aged Man: I’m.. Middle-Aged Man!

Housewife #2: I’ve heard of you! [ Drinking Buddy flashes in ] Who’s this?

Middle-Aged Man: Uh.. this is my sidekick.. Drinking Buddy.

Housewife #2: What’s the difference between you and Drinking Buddy?

Middle-Aged Man: I have a life!

Drinking Buddy: You.. you got any beer?

Housewife #1: Uh, yeah.. I think there’s one left in the fridge there.

Drinking Buddy: [ pulls out a single beer ] Oh, I couldn’t take your last beer.. [ pulls tab ]

Housewife #1: Oh, that’s okay.

Drinking Buddy: Thanks! [ guzzles beer ]

Middle-Aged Man: [ returning to the issue at hand ] What seems to be the problem? Hold on.. hold on.. I think I just had a Maalox Moment!

Housewife #1: I think my husband is having an affair?

Middle-Aged Man: [ thinking ] Hmm.. did he recently buy a red sports car?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, he did!

Middle-Aged Man: Did he go out and get a haircut that’s far too young for his face?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, that’s amazing!

Middle-Aged Man: And, finally, does he seem unusually happy lately?

Housewife #1: No.. not really..

Middle-Aged Man: Then he’s not having an affiar! [ he and Drinking Buddy laugh uproariously ] Ah, just a little Middle-Aged humor! Right, Drinking Buddy?

Drinking Buddy: [ belching ] Absotutely!

Middle-Aged Man: [ panicking ] Hey! What are you looking at! You’re looking at my gut, aren’t you!

Housewife #2: No!

Middle-Aged Man: Well, I’m working on it!

Drinking Buddy: [ waving beer can ] Say, Ed, it’s beer-thirty.. don’t you think we should be, uh.. you know.. going?

Middle-Aged Man: Ah, tie a knot in it! Don’t start getting the shakes on me!

Housewife #1: Oh, Middle-Aged Man, my husband seems so bored and disinterested..

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you been married?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you had that hairstyle?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: What are you, Betty Rubble?! Change it!

Housewife #1: [ put off ] Well, now, I think you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be sexually desirable.

Middle-Aged Man: Maybe. But I know where all my appliance warranties are.

Housewife #2: Wow! I’d give anything to know that!

Middle-Aged Man: [ annoyed ] Hey! you’re still looking at our guts, aren’t you?!

Housewives: Noooo..

Middle-Aged Man: Hey! I bought an Abdominizer!

Housewife #2: I think Love Handles are sexy!

Middle-Aged Man: Oh, yeah, Love Handles! There’s a euphanism. It’s like calling saggy breasts Love Bags! NO ONE’S BUYING IT!!

Drinking Buddy: Hey, Ed, come on.. my back teeth are starting to pull here..

Middle-Aged Man: Alright, hold your horses! You know you don’t buy beer, you rent it! [ to Housewife #1 ] I hope we were some help to you.

Housewife #1: Yes, you were. Thanks, Middle-Aged Man!

Middle-Aged Man: My pleasure. [ to Housewife #2 ] Just stop looking at my gut! I’m working on it!

[ Middle-Aged Man flashes off, followed closely by Drinking Buddy, as the Housewives wave goodbye ]

Jingle: “He’s Middle-Aged Man.”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 20th, 1990

George Steinbrenner

The Time

None

The Time, “Jerk Out”

Steinbrenner’s Dream

George Steinbrenner’s Monologue

Middle-Aged Man

Recurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Convenience Store

Slapped By Beaver Tails

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

The Time performs “Jerk Out”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Arnold.

Attack Of The Colossal Lincoln

Slim-Fast Ad

The Time performs “Chocolate”

What Was I Thinking?

Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

Fancy Meals

Harrassing a Female Reporter

“The Vision Of Van Gogh”

SNL Transcripts

Her First Period

Mrs. Schroeder…..Susan Lucci
Missy…..Victoria Jackson
Valerie…..Jan Hooks
Caterer…..Rob Schneider
Uncle Rob…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on big-boned Missy sitting alone in the sun room, as her mother, Mrs. Schroeder, enters ]

Mrs. Schroeder: Missy? What are you doing in here? The party’s out in the garden.

Missy: I don’t feel too good, Mom.. I’d rather stay in here.

Mrs. Schroeder: But it’s your big sister’s going-away college party. She wants her little sister at the party!

Missy: Mom, I don’t fit in with Valerie’s friends, Mom – I’m twelve.

Mrs. Schroeder: But you don’t look it! you’re big! You’re a great big twelve-year old! Come on, honey!

Missy: Well.. my feel kinda hurt. I think those shoes you bought me are too small.

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, no, sweetheart – they can’t be, they’re enormous!

Missy: I.. think I have cramps..

Mrs. Schroeder: Ohhh.. oh! My little girl is going to grow into a great big woman today! Oh, my.. You’re becoming a member of that lcub called “Womanhood”!

Missy: Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, yes, baby! It’s a wonderful, mysterious club. It isn’t a hard club to get into, but.. it’s a club.. and nobody can kick you out.

[ Valerie storms in ]

Valerie: Mother! The caterer’s asking me where to put the cake – like I know!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, Valerie, we have a little surprise today – Missy is about to take that step into Womanhood!

Valerie: Ohh, you’re getting your period, huh? It’s about time – you’re huge!

[ Caterer enters ]

Caterer: Mrs. Schroeder? I’ve got these instructions on where to put the cake, and there’s a fountain there. You want me to put the cake in the fountain?

Mrs. Schroeder: No, I-I-I don’t. Sorry I didn’t get back to you, but.. my baby is ovulating!

Caterer: [ excited ] Alright!

Missy: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-omm!

[ Mrs. Schroeder exits with Caterer, leaving the two sisters alone ]

Valerie: God.. does she drive you crazy?

Missy: Well.. no..

Valerie: She drives me crazy. I told her that I did not want a party. I told her I want to go to a Poison concert with all my friends, and rent a limo and jsut cruise around all night. You are so lucky Mom doesn’t like you!

Missy: Mom likes me! [ tears well up ]

Valerie: Right.

[ Mrs. Schroeder re-enters, with Uncle Rob ]

Mrs. Schroeder: I’m back! And look who I found! You remember Uncle Rob.

Missy: Hi, Uncle Rob!

Uncle Rob: Hi! So, your mom tells me you’re getting your period, huh?

Missy: [ upset ] Mom! I can’t believe you told him that!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, now, honey.. I’m sure he would have figured it out himself! Your face is all puffy, and you’re all bloated.. But, listen, the good news is that I hear girls stop their growth once they start menstruating!

Missy: Mom, do we have to discuss this?!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, forgive me for finding something positive to say! It’s just that you have to stop growing sometime.

Valerie: No, unless you take after Aunt Esther.

Uncle Rob: [ chuckling ] She was a cow huh?

Mrs. Schroeder: But Aunt Esther was never pretty, and you’re pretty, honey, yes you are! If you would just stand up straight and get that hair back off your face. [ pulls Missy’s hair back ] Yes. Oh, yes.. there. There. Isn’t she prettier than Aunt Esther?

Uncle Rob: [ examining carefully ] Mmm.. well, yeah! Around the eyes here.. sure.

Mrs. Schroeder: Rob, you go take Valerie back to the party, okay? Because I want to have a talk with Missy.

Uncle Rob: Okay. Come on, Valerie.

Valerie: Okay!

[ Uncle Rob and Valerie exit ]

Mrs. Schroeder: [ sits next to Missy ] Oh, honey. Oh, your life’s about to change! You’re going to meet new people.. young men wil start to pay attentionto you. hey will. They really will. But, remember – they only want one thing; and they want it all the time. But someday, if you’re lucky, and you slim down some, you’ll meet a man who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with! [ thinking ] Of course, he’ll want it, too., but he’ll want it only from you, and he’ll want it a lot. In fact, sometimes you’ll just wonder if he’ll ever stop wanting it. Eventually, he will. And then you’ll wonder, “Did he just stop wanting it from me, or did he just stop wanting it? And if he still wants it, where is he getitng it?” Well, it just fills your little head with all sorts of confusion and things – look, what I’m saying is.. these are the good times! You are never going to be happier than you are right now!

Missy: [ not too happy to hear that ] Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: That’s right! [ looks at Missy ] Oh, well, now, come on, sweetheart! Just go back down to that party now, and have a good time, alright? Don’t let me see any cake on your plate, ’cause, remember – we’re going to lose thirty pounds by Christmas!

[ they exit sun room, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 2

90b: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers

I Will Not Cry

Coworker 1…..Jan Hooks
Coworker 2…..Susan Lucci
Coworker 3…..Victoria Jackson
Leslie…..Mike Myers
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[Three women, in office break room]

Coworker #1: I cannot believe that Leslie is leaving.

Coworker #3: I know. Eight years, that’s a long time.

Coworker 1: Yeah…

Coworker #2: I’m not so sure that this party was a good idea, you know how…sensitive Leslie is.

Leslie: (walking in to their surprise) Hi girls.

Coworker 1: Oh… whoops.

Leslie: What’s going on here?

Coworker 2: Oh Leslie, it’s your last day and we thought, well, we figured that we would just give you a surprise going-away party.

Leslie: Come on, guys, you know I hate these things.

Coworker 1: I know, I know, but Leslie you’re like a brother to us.

Coworker 3: You know, I don’t think of you as someone I work with, I think of you as one of my closest and dearest friends.

Coworker 2: Oh, that goes for me too, Leslie.

Coworker 1: We love you Leslie.

Leslie: Oh, well thank you, that means a lot to me. I feel the same way. (Avoiding tears.) There, it’s started. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. As the lord Jesus is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 2: Don’t you start crying or I’ll start crying.

Leslie: (still avoiding tears) Well if you start crying I’ll certainly start crying. And I promised I would not cry. As the lord Jesus, the only son of God, is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 3: Come on Leslie, there’s nothing to be sad about, I mean, we’ll see each other soon.

Coworker 1: Yeah, I mean, after all, you’re just movin’ to another section of the building. You know, I tell you what, come on…let’s have Champagne, huh? How about that?

Coworker 3: Yeah…

Leslie: You’re right. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot better. There, I’m gonna be okay. Okay. All right. I feel a lot better.

Coworker 1: Good. Go with it, go with it. There ya go.

Leslie: To friends.

All: To friends.

Leslie: Ahh, woo, I feel a lot better.

Coworker 2: You know, think about it Leslie, now at least you won’t have Mr. Saunders bossing you around.

Leslie: Exactly.

Coworker 1: Mm. You know, old man Mr. Saunders sometimes I think is the meanest man in the world.

Coworker 2: Aw, you got that one right.

Coworker 3: Except sometimes he’s the sweetest man in the world like last Christmas when he gave us those huge bonuses.

Leslie: You’re right, you know in a weird way I– I’m gonna miss Mr. Saunders, you know, I mean, despite his crusty exterior, he’s a good guy. (Avoiding tears again.) Oh no, it’s started again, you know. I promised I wouldn’t cry, you know. Huh. As the lord Jesus, who died on the cross and was a carpenter who turned loaves into fishes is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 2: Oh, come on now Leslie, I mean just because Mr. Saunders gave us Christmas bonuses, doesn’t mean he isn’t nasty.

Leslie: You’re right I just got carried away. There, it’s passed.

Coworker 2: Good.

Coworker 1: Good, come on, let’s have some cake, want to? Oh, if you want coffee we’re gonna have to have another mug.

Leslie: Oh, I’ll get my mug.

Coworker 1: You got your mug, good.

Leslie: All right, let’s go.

Coworker 1: All right.

Coworker 2: Here goes.

Coworker 3: Oh Leslie, I can’t believe it, you still use that Eisenhower mug from years ago.

Coworker 2: Oh I’m gonna miss that mug.

Leslie: (avoiding now until end of scene) And I’m gonna miss you missing that mug.

Coworker 1: Leslie what’s wrong?

Leslie: I don’t know but I tell you this. I will not cry.

Coworker 2: If you start to cry, I’m gonna lose it.

Leslie: Well I’m not going to cry, all right, so you don’t have to worry, okay?

Coworker 3: Well I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna miss you.

Coworker 1: Me, too. Me, too.

(all three women start crying)

Leslie: Well cry as you might I will not cry. Don’t misunderstand me–I will miss you, make no mistake of that. But I am not going to cry. As the lord Jesus who was born in a manger only to become the king of the Jews is my witness, I will not cry. Now if you girls will excuse me, I’m gonna go into the next room and I’m gonna try and collect myself, okay? Okay. All right. I’m not gonna cry, all right?

[Leslie goes to other room]

Leslie: (from other room) I will not cry. I will not cry. Oh man, this is pointless.

*Bang!*

All: Oh my god! Leslie! Leslie!

[Leslie ascends to heaven]

[In heaven–musical version of “Unchained Melody” plays]

Leslie: Where am I?

Jesus: You’re in heaven.

Leslie: Who are you?

Jesus: I am Jesus.

Leslie: I feel such a tremendous sense of well-being.

Jesus: As it should be.

Leslie: Tell me, will I ever see those people again?

Jesus: No.

Leslie: Oh, that’s too bad because I’m gonna miss them. But I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry. As, well, I guess, you, are my witness, I will not cry.

[Leslie breaks into tears.]

Leslie: Now I’m starting to cry, you know and I promised I wouldn’t.

Jesus: Let it out.

Leslie: (crying in Jesus’ arms, trailing off) Ya make these promises you know and they’re so hard to can’t keep.

Submitted by: Jere Smith

SNL Transcripts

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

…..Susan Lucci
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jan Hooks
…..David Spade
…..Mike Myers

Susan Lucci: That is so nice, thank you so much! Thank you! [ laughs ] Ah, “Saturday Night Live” – here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life.. except, maybe, that Emmy? Most of you may know me from the character I play on “All My Children” – Erica Kane. I have to tell you, though, I’m really nothing like that character, like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane. For one thing, Erica’s been married eight times; I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet, wonderful man for sixteen years now – I have had countless affairs.. but I always come back to the same sweet, wonderful man! He’s the father of.. one of my two children.

I just said all that for a laugh. That’s why I wanted to do this show. I wanted to work in front of a live audience, and hear you laugh. We once tried a live audience at “All My Children”, but they just didn’t laugh. Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough. Mainly people would just yell out things, like, “Don’t marry her! You’re just a pawn in her game!” “Uh-oh! He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!” So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show! Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it’s been a great week. Except for one minor incident..

[ camera breaks into a flashback sequence ]

Susan Lucci V/O: ..it really was not worth flashing back to..

[ flashback shows Susan’s point-of-view, as she’s prepped for the live show ]

Hair Stylist: Okay, Susan, this wig looks great. We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay? [ brushes hair ] There. That looks good. You had a really good dress rehearsal. Here. What do you think, Sylvia?

Second Hairsylist: It’s nice. Nice.

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Susan, are you almost ready?

Susan Lucci: Yeah, just about. Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful! Really.

Hair Stylist: Oh, no problem. I was just doing my job.

[ Susan’s viewpoint falls upon an Emmy standing on the counter ]

Susan Lucci V/O: Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

Victoria Jackson: That’s one of her Emmys! She’s got three!

Hair Stylist: Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so..

Victoria Jackson: Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe, and get in a costume thing. Come on.

[ Susan’s viewpoint strolls over to Wardrobe ]

Wardrobe Personnel: There you are! Susan. I want to try this tiara for the next sketch. [ places tiara over Susan’s head ] You know, it’s nice. But I have a couple of more that I want to try. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon 3? Emmy’s on the table ] No, honey, these are Emmys. Back here.

Victoria Jackson: [ holding up two Emmys ] Steven, are these the two Emmys you won for that Very Special “Benson”?

Wardrobe Personnel: Oh, I don’t know, Victoria.. check the inscriptions.

[ Kevin Nealon enters, an Emmy medallion around his neck ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan? Hi, Susan. I think they need you over in Make-up over there. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon Kevin’s Emmy ] Oh? You like this? I gave my other two to my parents! Come on!

Jan Hooks: Hey! Hey, Susan! Hey, you were great in Dress – you excited? you excited? Good! [ shakes wobbly make-up table ] Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that? [ looks around ] Hey, can somebody help me here, please? Make-up table’s broken. [ Union employee Howard enters ] Hi, Howard. [ Howard places an Emmy under the short leg of the make-up table ] Ohh.. Howard. you’re a life saver.

Howard: It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

Kevin Nealon: This way, Susan. Susan? Come on.

Victoria Jackson: I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

Kevin Nealon: He’s Union – he shows up, he does his job, right?

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon a carpenter using an Emmy to hammer a nail into the wall ]

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Are you alright? Are you okay?

Kevin Nealon: Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan. Come on, follow me.

Victoria Jackson: I guess she’s a little down because she’s never won an Emmy..

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one. Besides, it’s just a statue. you know – a symbol of excellence. [ they enter the dinning area ] Okay, here we are!

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon David Spade and other cast members eating corn-on-the-cob, using Emmy’s as cornholders ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan, did you eat dinner? There’s plenty of corn over here.

Mike Myers: Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Emmy Fight!!

[ Myers and everyone else in the orom begin throwing rubber Emmys at one another, as Susan quickly makes her exit to salvation ]

[ flashback dissolves back to Susan at Center Stage ]

Susan Lucci: Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator. I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head with an Emmy, and now I’m fine. Anyway.. we’ve got a great show, with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

All My Luggage

Baggage Handler…..Kevin Nealon
Jessica Fleming…..Susan Lucci
Ted Fleming…..Phil Hartman

[ sketch opens with soapy organ music ]

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming?

Jessica Fleming: Yes?

Baggage Handler: I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Jessica Fleming: Bad news? What do you mean?

Baggage Handler: I’m afraid we can’t find your luggage.

[ organ hits a high chord ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “All My Luggage”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Jessica Fleming: What do you mean, you can’t find my luggage? What do you mean? Where is it?

Baggage Handler: It’s too soon to know.. but it is possible it was taken off in St. Louis – which, as you know, is our hub. In that case, your luggage could be anywhere. It could be in Dallas, Chicago, Newark, Memphis, Salt Lake City, Miami..

Jessica Fleming: This isn’t happening! No, no, no! I spoke with Customer Complaints, and they said they would put a tracer on it! And that means my luggage will be returned to me by tonight, right?!

Baggage Handler: [ dramaticd pause ] Mrs. Fleming.. a tracer is a complicated and time-consuming process. First, we have to ask you to circle the shape of the luggage on this chart. Then we would fax it to Detroit, Baltimore, Atlanta, Kansas City..

Ted Fleming: So, what are you telling us?

Baggage Handler: I’m telling you there’s a chance you won’t get your luggage this eveinng.

Jessica Fleming: No, this isn’t happening! You don’t understand! I change my clothes four times a day! My suede skirt is in my bags! All my scarves, all my make-up! No, no, no, this isn’t happening! This is not happening!

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming, we’re all praying here that the tracer works. However, you may have to face the possibility.. of shopping here in Vegas.

Jessica Fleming: No! Oh, no, no! My luggage is not lost! Do you understand me? My luggage is not lost!

Ted Fleming: Sweetheart, it’s okay.

Jessica Fleming: No, Ted, they’re wrong! I-I know they’re wrong! [ to Baggage Handler ] Don’t you dare stand there and tell me that I have to face the possibility that my luggage is lost! Because I will not face that possibility! I will not!

[ Jessica storms out of the office ]

Ted Fleming: [ to Baggage Handler, stern ] You put that tracer through now! And the next time I hear from you, you’d better have some information about those bags!

[ cut to Jessica standing in the airport chapel ]

Ted Fleming: You cannot do this to me, do you understand! You cannot do this!

[ Ted enters chapel ]

Ted Fleming: Jessica!

Ted Fleming: Ted! Ted, tell me it’s all a nightmare, and then I’ll wake up and they will find my luggage, and my luggage will be here with me! My clothes will be here! My scarves will be here! My make-up will be here!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Jessica.. don’t do this to yourself.

Jessica Fleming: Why? Why did this happen! Ted, why did this happen?!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. The baggage handler’s are there, darling. If anyone can find your luggage, it’s them.

Jessica Fleming: But what if they can’t? What if they can’t?

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Shhhh.. Let me take you out to the baggage area. I think you need soem rest.

Jessica Fleming: Rest? no, I can’t rest – not now. I’d like to stay here – alone – for a minute. Okay?

Ted Fleming: [ long dramatic pause ] Okay. I’ll be in the

[ Ted exits ]

Jessica Fleming: [ kneels and prays to God ] It’s been a long while since I’ve prayed. I know it seems like the only time I come to you is when I lose my bags. I hope you’ll forgive me for that. But this time I had no carry-on at all! Everything is in that baggage! Oh, God, I know I’ve over-reacted before! Like the time in Phoenix, when I left my garment bag on the plane, and I said there was a bomb threat just so I could get all my stuff! But this time, it’s different! I have everything in those bags!

[ Baggage Handler enters chapel ]

Baggage Handler: Jessica Fleming!

Jessica Fleming: Yes?!

Baggage Handler: We found your bags.

Jessica Fleming: Oh.. thank you.

Baggage Handler: They’re in Milwaukee.

Jessica Fleming: No! No! No! No! No! No!

[ dissolve to title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Great Love Stories

Man #1…..Kevin Nealon
Woman #1…..Jan Hooks
Man #2…..Chris Farley
Woman #2…..Susan Lucci
Woman #3…..Victoria Jackson
Man #3…..Chris Rock
Man #4…..Phil Hartman
Man #5…..Mike Myers

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Man #1: Dis guy hired me to t’row battery acid in dis chick’s face, right?

Woman #1: I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, I got a faceful of battery acid.

Man #1: When I realized I went to the wrong apartment, I felt terrible. So I started visitn’ her at the hospital. I’d say it was about – what? – t’ree months?

Woman #1: Yeah. When we got married.

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Man #2: My dad, my brother and me were huntin’ gators in the bayou.. and saw her and her boyfriend campin’.

Woman #2: They murdered my boyfriend in his sleeping bag.. and they abducted me.

Man #2: We had her out there in the shack all winter, before I started to realize that what we was doin’ was wrong. So I killed my daddy and my brother, and we were married ’bout – what?

Woman #2: ’bout three months later.

Man #2: [ laughs proudly ]

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Woman #3: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune.

Man #3: So, she’s in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, “Step up to the mike!”

Woman #3: And, uh.. it was about three months later..

Man #3: ..we were married!

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories” is brought to you by.. FTD; you’ll be suprised what a couple of roses can do – honest to God. and.. Hallmark Cards; it sounds stupid, but we swear it works. And.. Godiva Chocolates; you’d think by now they’d catch on, but, apparently, they haven’t – trust us.

Here is a scene from next week’s “Great Love Stories”:

Man #4: I was trappin’ with my dad and my brother up in the Grand Tete ?? And we saw this girl campin’ with her boyfriend.

Man #5: They murdered my girlfriend in her sleeping bag, and abducted me!

Man #4: And we were married three months later.

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: Next week on.. “Great Love Stories”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Classic Bitch & Lezbo Electric Shavers

Victor Kiam…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, New England Patriots locker room ]

[ SUPER: “Victor Kiam” ]

Victor Kiam: Hello, I’m Victor Kiam! Owner of the New England Patriots and Remington Shaver! I’m the guy who bought the company! And I’m proud to announce a new member of the Lady Remington razor family – introducing the new Classic Bitch Shaver!

[ SUPER: “Remington Classic Bitch Electric Shaver” ]

When I called that woman reporter a “classic bitch”, I meant it in a good way! I meant a real go-getter! Unafraid to tackle the male-dominated workforce! The Classic Bitch doesn’t just shave – it actually yanks the hair by the root, intimidating it from growing back! The Classic Bitch doesn’t charm you with gimmicks – it simply goes about its business in a humorless way! You may not like the Classic Bitch, but you’ll respect it! Yiu’ll want it on your side, believe me!

But, for those who don’t think the Classic Bitch goes far enough, try Remington’s new Lezbo Electric Shaver!

[ SUPER: “Remington Lezbo Electric Shaver” ]

When I say Lezbo, I mean it in a good way! Like a real go-getter – not only afraid to tackle a man’s job, but also not afraid to look a little like a man! You know the type. The Lezbo tackles those really tough facial and chest hairs, and also comes with a pop-up underarm trimmer! You’re not just smooth – you’re Lezbo smooth! I mean it in a good way!

I’m Victor Kiam, and, by the way, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Game Breakers

Announcer/Himself…..Don Pardo
Jack Morgan…..Phil Hartman
Margaret Fletcher…..Jan HooksErica Kane…..Susan Lucci
…..Gene Rayburn
Siegfried…..David Spade
Roy…..Dana Carvey

[ open on game show set filled with glamorous prizes ]

Announcer: Look at this studio, filled with fabulous cash and prizes! All yours for the taking on.. “Game Breakers”! And here’s your host – Jack Morgan!

[ Jack Morgan enters game show set ]

Jack Morgan: Thank you, and welcome to “Game Breakers”! Thank you, Don Pardo! And welcome to our returning champion – Margaret Fletcher!

Margaret Fletcher: Thank you, Jack!

Jack Morgan: Now, let’s meet your challenger. All the way from Pine Valley – Erica Kane. Hello, Erica.

Erica Kane: Hello, Jack!

Jack Morgan: [ reading from card ] Now, Erica, it says here you’ve been married eight times?

Erica Kane: Ye-es.. but only six were legal!

Jack Morgan: And I understand that you, at one time piloted a helicopter to rescue someone from prison?

Erica Kane: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh! Well, I was only trying to break my lover out of jail – I do wish I hadn’t told you that!

Jack Morgan: And.. you’ve been kidnapped, survived a plane crash, stared down a grizzly bear.. you have your own line of cosmetics, and you’re the editor of a major magazine.

Erica Kane: [ blushing ] I try to keep busy!

Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the mother of two, and what do you do?

Margaret Fletcher: Well, I work in the home. [ nervous chuckle ]

Jack Morgan: And I’m sure you’re all familiar with our game!

Erica Kane: [ seductively ] Oh, yes, I am, Jack! I watch you every day! And I hope you won’t think that I’m being too forward if I tell you that.. I think you just have such a commanding presence!

Jack Morgan: [ taken aback ] No-o-o.. that’s very nice..

[ close-ups reveal Jack and Erica staring intensely at one another, locked in sexual tension ]

Jack Morgan: Alright, let’s play! Don Pardo, tell them what they’re playing for!

[ show bedroom set ]

Announcer: This beautiful bedroom suite from Brayhill!

Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the champion, so why don’t you pick a category for us.

Margaret Fletcher: “American Presidents” for 200, Jack!

Jack Morgan: “He was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms.”

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Grover Cleveland!

Erica Kane: [ feigning ] Oh, Jack.. I.. uh.. excuse me, but.. I just.. I couldn’t get my buzzer to work. Could you show me, perhaps, what I was doing wrong?

Jack Morgan: Well.. it’s simple. You just put your hand on the button. [ grabs Erica’s hand and positions it on the button ]

Erica Kane: Oh.. look at how much larger your hand is than mine! You have an artsitic streak, don’t you?

Jack Morgan: Why, yesss.. yes, I do.. Just put your hand on the button like this. [ demonstrates by pressing button with Erica’s hand ]

[ buzzing sound effect ]

Erica Kane: Grover Cleveland!

Jack Morgan: Cor-rect! And Erica picks up 200 points! And control of the board!

Margaret Fletcher: Excuse me, Jack! I.. I.. I..

Erica Kane: I will take “Bodies of Water” for 400, please!

Jack Morgan: “Which of the Great Lakes is located entirely in the U.S.?”

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!

Erica Kane: Oh, Jack.. I don’t mean to be a problem, but I pressed my buzzer too late that time. Could I do it again?

Jack Morgan: [ uneasy ] Well.. there are rules.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Erica Kane: Please?

Jack Morgan: O-o-okay.. “Which of the Great Lakes is located..?”

Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!!

Jack Morgan: That’s cor-rect!

Jack Morgan’s Inner Thought: What’s happening to me? Am I losing all sense of fairness? I’m a game show host.. I’ve got to be impartial. But, God help me, she’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met.

Margaret Fletcher: [ waving ] Excuse me, Jack..? I-I-I believe that I-I rang in before Erica did!

Jack Morgan: [ scoffs ] Well.. Margaret, isn’t there a chance that you could be wrong?

Margaret Fletcher: Well, I think.. I think I ought to know when I rang my own buzzer, Jack!

Jack Morgan: Please. Margaret, it’s Ercia’s turn.

Erica Kane: “Show Business” for 500, Jack!

Jack Morgan: “He won an Oscar for ‘Marty’.”

Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Oh, um.. it’s on the tip of my tongue..

[ time-out buzzer ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Ernest-

Erica Kane: Ernest Borgnine!

Jack Morgan: Cor-rect, for 500!

Margaret Fletcher: Jack, those are my 500 points! I know I said Ernest Borgnine first!

Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re lying. You know you are.

Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying!

Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re tired and you’re desperate to win, and you’re lying.

Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying, Erica! I rang in, and I started to say Ernest Borgnine-

Erica Kane: Oh, you started to say Ernest Borgnine! I hope everyone is listening here – you started to say Ernest Borgine?! I love it! You are so pathetic, Margaret! you and your tissue of lies!

Margaret Fletcher: [ near tears ] Those are my 500 points, Erica Kane, and I want them back!!

[ a catfight breaks out ]

Jack Morgan: Mrs. Fletcher! Please!

Erica Kane: She tried to hurt me, Jack!

Margaret Fletcher: [ crying ] It’s just that I know that I rang my buzzer in before she did, Jack! I know that, I did!

Jack Morgan: [ stern ] Leave her alone, Margaret. Haven’t you done enough already?

Margaret Fletcher: Well.. I-I-I know that-

Jack Morgan: Don. Let’s take a break.

Announcer: Alright, Jack! Transportation for “Game Breakers” is provided by TransEastern Airlines. At Transeastern, we don’t love to fly, but we keep the feeling hidden.

While in Los Angeles, conteatants stay at sleep ‘N Save! Sleep ‘N Save, because every hotel room looks the same in the dark.

[ dissolve back to Jack, still holding his game show cards, but in bed with Erica on the game show set ]

Jack Morgan: Oh, God.. we’re back. And, Erica.. you have control of the board.

Erica Kane: [ smiling ] “World Capitols” for 300.

Jack Morgan: “It’s called.. The City of Light.”

Erica Kane: Paris!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Jack Morgan: You’re right. You’re so very right..

[ show rear camera angle from between Jack and Erica in bed, to show Margaret faraway on the game show set ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ waving desperately ] Yoo-hoo! Jack! Hello? Could you speak up?! I can’t.. I can’t hear so well from here!

Erica Kane: [ yelling ] “World Capitols” for 600!

Margaret Fletcher: Oh.

Jack Morgan: “Argentina”.

[ Jack and Erica break into a passionate kiss, as Margaret struggles from far away ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ pounding buzzer ferociously ] Beunos Aires! Jack! I know the answer! Buenos Aires!!

[ dissolve to collection of prizes ]

Announcer: Some members of our studio audience will receive Party Improver; invite Party Improver to your next party, and watch your party improve. And Tick-Off; simply the finest tick repellent money can buy – and Tick-Away, its chief competitor. Jack, back to you.

[ dissolve back to Jack ]

Jack Morgan: Thank you, Don. We’re back, and Erica still has control of the board.. and she’s about to make me the happiest man in the world.

[ reveal Don Pardo serving duty as a minister, with Erica dressed in bridal gown next to smiling Jack ]

Don Pardo: Will the bride and the groom please join hands? She’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever seen!

Jack Morgan: We’re ready.

Margaret Fletcher: Don’t do this, Jack! She’s only using you!

Don Pardo: If any man here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now. You have fifteen seconds.

[ the clock ticks ]

Gene Rayburn: I believe I have an objection!

Erica Kane: Gene!

Gene Rayburn: Yes. Yes, Mrs. Erica Kane-Martin-Brent-Carnegie-Chandler-Montgomery-Montgomery-Rayburn!

Erica Kane: [ aghast ] Gene, what are you doing here?

Gene Rayburn: I was in town taping “Circus of the Stars”! I believe you’ve met my friends Siegfried & Roy!

[ show Siegfried & Roy ]

Jack Morgan: You’re very clever, Rayburn. But it won’t work! I’ll have Erica Kane for my wife, and nothing and no one will stop me!

Erica Kane: [ screaming, as Siegfried & Roy’s panther tears her apart ] I am Erica Kane!!

Jack Morgan: No!

Announcer: Tune in tomorrow for another episode of “Game Breakers”. This is Don Pardo speaking.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 6th, 1990

Susan Lucci

Hothouse Flowers

Gene Rayburn

Hothouse Flowers, “Give It Up”

Classic Bitch & Lezbo Electric Shavers

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

Lucci endures backstage walk amongst cast and crew’s Emmys.

Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford.

All My Luggage

Great Love Stories

Hothouse Flowers performs “Give It Up”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

Game Breakers

Erica Kane (Lucci) uses charms to win game show prizes.

Her First Period

Missy (Victoria Jackson) is embarrassed by Mom’s (Lucci) zest for her period.

I Will Not Cry

Hothouse Flowers performs “I Can See Clearly Now”

M.C. Hammer’s The Sound of Music

SNL Transcripts