Month: October 2018

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay Leno’s Monologue

…..Jay Leno

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JayLeno!

[Cheers and applause for the dark-haired,lantern-jawed stand-up comedian who, with hisshort-sleeved jacket, vaguely resembles Frankenstein’smonster.]

Jay Leno: All right! Thank you, thank you,thank you! All right! [Cheers and applause continue.]All right, we didn’t come here to have fun! Settledown! … Good to see, everybody, welcome to the show.Saw a frightening statistic in the paper, this isunbelievable. What do you think the most widely readmagazine in America is? Take a guess.

Genuine Audience Member: “Us”!

Jay Leno: No, not “Us.”

Another Audience Member: “Reader’sDigest”!

Jay Leno: Used to be “Reader’s Digest”! Now,it’s “TV Guide”! “TV Guide” is now consideredreading in America! … When did this happen? Ithink it happened the same day ketchup became avegetable in this country! … “Are you comin’to bed, dear?” “Oh, in a couple of hours, honey. Ijust want to see who’s on ‘Cross Wits’ for the rest ofthe week. … Put my book marker on Thursday so as notto lose my place.” … I like the new ad campaign:”You need ‘TV Guide’ because TV’s getting morecomplicated every day.” … Boy, you know thereare people out there saying, “We’d like towatch ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ — we just don’thave the educational background. … If onlythere was a supplement we could follow along with.”…

I watch my favorite show every day — “People’sCourt”? … [applause for “The People’s Court”] Nowthis – this is like “Attack of the Pinheads,” thisprogram, innit? “He took my pen!” “I did not!” “Hetook my pen!” “You shut up!” I think you should givethe death sentence to some of these people. …You know– and I feel sorry for Judge Wapner. He musttake so much grief from the other judges. I mean, hey– judges are a pretty pompous group. Whenever ya geta bunch of judges in a room, they’ll always try toimpress one another with the important cases they’vehandled. “Well, I remember the essence of the Mirandadecision was essentially that the rights of theindividual should triumph over the needs of– Why,here comes Judge Wapner now! … Hey, Wapner!How’d you make out with that Case of thePuppy-Stained Carpet?!” …

Game shows? You know, there was a time in this countryto be on a game show, you actually had to knowsomethin’, y’know? … Now, they bring back stuff like”The New Dating Game,” “The New Newlywed Game.” Ishould explain how this works. See, although theliteracy rate in this country is low, the networks areworried that it’s not quite low enough. … So, bybringing back shows like “The Dating Game” what theyhope to do is mate genetically inferior people … inthe realization that they will reproduce mutantoffspring … thus ensuring the next generation ofcontestants for these game shows. Yeah. … It’s allin a new book– [applause] All in a new book called”Frontiers of Science” by Bob Eubanks and Dr. WilliamShockley. …

Now, here’s something. I don’t know. You know,honestly, I like George Kennedy. I like Danny Thomas.Why do they have to try and sell these sleazeballinsurance policies … to the elderly and these poorveterans? “Are you fifty to eighty and thinking aboutlife insurance?” Come on! What eighty-year-old guy isjust thinking about life insurance? … “Youknow, honey, our children are in their sixtiesnow … Well, God forbid if we ever had thatmotorcycle accident, geez, I … just want to knowthose kids are taken care of.” And the benefits! Ifyou’re hospitalized, they pay you fifty dollars a daycash! Fifty dollars! How you gonna spend that kindof dough in the hospital, huh? … “Wanna put anextra stitch in my head, Doc? I’m gettin’ fifty a day,okay?! … Here’s an extra two bucks. You split thatwith the head surgeon.” … Hey, that’s not all.They’ll pay you fifty dollars every day you’rehospitalized — [snaps fingers] — regardless oflength of stay. Hey, let’s be honest. As soon as thishospital finds out you’re only gettin’ fifty bucks aday — [smacks hand with fist] — you’re not gonna behospitalized too much longer, all right, pal? …You’ll be in a roll-away bed in the parking lot by thetime they figure that one out. …

Any coffee achievers in the room? [brieflyplays air guitar] … Oh, these are the worst. Now,they’re trying to get kids to drink coffee. They showrock star David Bowie drinking coffee. Come on! ToDavid Bowie, a cup o’ coffee is merely asedative at this point. … [applause] Well,that’s the big thing now, innit? Try to get some bigtime celebrity to be a spokesman. Like a Bill Cosbyfor Jell-O, Cliff Robertson for AT&T, those are prettygood. But some of them are embarrassing. I keep seeingthis one: “Here’s Martha Raye — actress, denturewearer.” … Really? Is this really anaccomplishment? Denture wearing? I mean– … Is sheproud to have this on her resume? … “Let’s see, MissRaye, you’ve done theater, film — Oh-oh, I see you’rea denture wearer! … I had no idea your credentialswere quite so extensive, Miss Raye.” … “Here’s CarlSagan — astronomer, philosopher, hemorrhoidsufferer!” … I think he’s doin’ a hell of a jobthere. [applause]

Oh, I always get annoyed when I see celebrities try totake advantage of the character they play on TV. Who’sthis guy, Chris somethin’, does an ad for Vicks? “I’mnot a doctor — [raises a hand] — although I play oneon TV.” … Not a doctor?! Hey, pal, I’ve seen yourshow! You’re not even an actor! … [cheers andapplause] Thank you.

Anybody buy any new Time-Life Books? “The GreatGunfighters”! “World War Two, the Hitler Era” — thisis all part of the new Time-Life atrocity series. …My favorite is “The Great Gunfighters”: “Read aboutJohn – John Wesley Harding, so mean he once shot a manjust for snorin’.” Is this really responsiblejournalism on the part of “Time”? … What are thesepeople gonna write about the 1980s a hundred yearsfrom now? “Read about John Hinckley, Jr., an hombre soornery — he once shot a president, [folksy voice]just so he could meet a pretty gal.” …[applause]

And Hinckley – Hinckley’s getting married. You allknow about this? It was in “People” Magazine so itmust be true. … Hinckley met a woman at the prisonwhere he’s incarcerated. Kind of your classic lovestory there. … She’s a convicted murderer. And, ofcourse, Hinckley’s an attempted murderer. You know, Ihope this doesn’t cause problems in their marriage.Sometimes a lot of guys can’t handle it when the wifeis more successful. … [applause]

Manson denied parole again last week. Boy, this mustcome as quite a shock, huh? Gee … I mean, does theboard even have to meet to even decide thisone? … Couldn’t they pretty much phone this one in?… I mean, does Manson think he has a chance?Huh? Does he try to get a parole? I mean, whatdoes a guy like Manson even say to his cell matebefore he meets with the parole board? [prissilyfusses with his necktie] “Gee, what do you think, Bob?The blue tie? … Too busy?” [puts his pinky in hismouth] … Manson was injured recently in prison. Youread about this? True story. A fellow inmate threwgasoline on him and set him on fire during areligious argument. … Here’s a couple ofmajor theologians for ya. … [applause] Gee, I – Iwonder what part of the Scriptures they were havingtrouble with when one threw gasoline on the otherone’s face and set him on fire?! “Still think it’sMatthew 10?!” [mimes throwing bucket of gas] “Heeeey!”[covers face with hands] …

Hey, listen, we got a great show! The Neville Brothersand Mike the Dog! And me! Stick around!

[Cheers and applause. The SNL Band kicks in with whatsounds like the bass riff from Henry Mancini’s “Themefrom Peter Gunn” as we go tocommercial.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Backstage With Tommy

…..Jay Leno
…..Randy Quaid
Mike the Dog’s Trainer…..Jim Downey
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[ Jay Leno enters SNL dressing room, where the cast is throwing a wild party ]

Jay Leno: Hi, guys! Randy!

Randy Quaid: Huh?

Jay Leno: I’m a little confused —

Randy Quaid: Good show, buddy! Good show tonight!

Jay Leno: Okay, thanks.

Randy Quaid: You want a beer?

Jay Leno: No, no thanks. I’m a little confused, where do I go?

Randy Quaid: Good luck to you tonight!

Jay Leno: Oh, thanks.

Randy Quaid: I don’t know.

[ Jay exits room and tries across the hall, where a make-up artist is working on Mike The Dog ]

Jay Leno: Excuse me. I’m a little lost.

Mike the Dog’s Trainer: Mike the Dog needs his quiet time.

Jay Leno: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to —

[ Jay exits the dressing room, steps back into the hall where he runs into Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan ]

Jay Leno: Excuse me – do you work here?

Tommy Flanagan: Yes, I do.

Jay Leno: Maybe you can help me. I’m a little lost.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, come on – follow me. I’m the producer – uhh.. the executive producer of this show! Yeah! [ leads Jay down the hlal, as they pass background personnel ] Like the costume; keep the hat. Like the hat. [ to Jay ] See the guy wearing the Abe Lincoln costume? Don’t talk to him – he’s a liar. Okay, this way. Here we go. [ leads Jay offscreen down a hall ] I know this studio like the back of my hand! Hey, what’s this wall doing here? Oh, yeah.. I had them build it, uh.. yesterday, when I was taking a nap! Yeah, that’s what I remember! [ comes back out ] Come on – ah, here’s the way we go!

[ leads Jay past a bank of secretaries ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello, girls, how are you? [ the secretaries are silent ] See? They work for me! See how they didn’t say anything? I trained them. [ leads Jay offscreen down another hall ] Yeah. Here we go, let’s go into my office here, right through the, uh.. oh! Can’t open it now, uh.. the secretary had new keys made – just yesterday! I keep all my money in here, all my jewels, too – yeah! If there’s any missing, I know where they are. [ re-emerges ] Oh, here we go. This is it!

[ leads Jay onto the various sets and audience ]

Tommy Flanagan: You know, I built this studio – yeah! In nineteen-thirty.. uhh.. oh-nine! Let’s see now.. [ looking around ] Oh yeah, there’s a TV over there, and.. oh! This is the audience over here. Here’s a TV camera – yeah, I invented it, you know. Let’s see here.. oh, we gotta go this way. [ turns back around ] Yeah, come on, here we go. Yeah, you’re hosting the show, aren’t ya’?

Jay Leno: Yeah.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, I thought so! I used to host the show last year.

[ they pass through the Observational Comics set ]

Jay Leno: Really?

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. Here’s where everybody eats. Yeah, this is where all the hosts go, through here..

[ leads Jay through the set’s door, directly onto one of the sets for the “Star Search” sketch ]

Tommy Flanagan: Ah, here we go! Yeah, that’s it. See, the audience sits up there, and we got, uh.. lights! Yeah, that’s what they are.

Jay Leno: Well, how does it start? I mean, how do you start the show?

Tommy Flanagan: Oh! We start with a sing– uh, dance number. Yeah, that’s it! The Rockettes! Yeah! We get them all lined up, and —

Jay Leno: No, no, no. It doesn’t start with a dance number. It starts when I say, [ faces camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Goodnights

…..Jay Leno

Jay Leno: [ crouched next to Mike the Dog ] That’s the show! Special thanks to Mike the Dog.. [ kisses Mike on the nose ] ..and everybody on the show! The Neville Brothers! [ stands and waves to the audience ] Thanks a lot! See you later, bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Target Earth

Major … Randy Quaid
1st Alien … Jay Leno
2nd Alien … Robert Downey, Jr.
1st Scientist … Dennis Miller
2nd Scientist … Nora Dunn

[Pompous 1950s-era movie music. SUPER: TARGET EARTH inwhite block letters over a shot of the Earth seen fromouter space. Dissolve to stock footage of flyingsaucer from 1950s science fiction movie. SUPER:SOMEWHERE OVER OREGON – Cut to stock footage of asaucer landing behind a hill (from the 1951 filmInvaders from Mars). Spinning newspaper, thefront page headline of THE LEDGER reads: SPACESHIPLANDS IN OREGON; MILITARY RUSHES TO SITE – Dissolve toa major addressing a group of uniformed soldiers nextto an impressive-looking futuristicspaceship.]

Major: All right, men! I want all weapons keptout of sight. We’ll use ’em if we have to but myorders are to establish friendly contact.

Soldier: [leans forward and clears his throat]Uh – uh, Major.

[The major turns to see the spaceship’s gangplank/dooropen and descend with appropriately ominous noise,music and smoke effects. Two intimidating space aliensin silver space suits walk slowly down the gangplankto address the men. At all times, the aliens actobnoxiously superior to the Earth men, virtuallysneering at them throughout.]

1st Alien: Who among you is the leader of thisplanet?

Major: I’m in charge here. I report directly toour leaders.

1st Alien: Bring them this message. Tell themthat we come from a distant galaxy, from a planet farmore advanced than your own.

Major: What shall I say is the purpose of yourvisit?

2nd Alien: [holding a book under his arm]Miserable Earth creature! It is not for you to knowour plans. [rubs the book affectionately]

1st Alien: [raises a hand] Tell the leaders ofyour backward planet to gather in this spot inone Earth week. On that time, we will reveal ourintentions.

2nd Alien: In the meantime, bring them thisbook. It is a documentation of our achievements as acivilization. Achievements far beyond your punycomprehension.

1st Alien: Tell them to study it well. But tellthem also we want it back — when they arefinished.

2nd Alien: Yes.

Major: I’ll tell ’em.

2nd Alien: It is a very valuablebook.

Major: [takes the book, looks at it] Iunderstand.

1st Alien: It is impossible to replace.

2nd Alien: So don’t get itdirty!

1st Alien: We’ll meet again in this spot in oneweek. [pointedly, to the major] And you will have whatwith you?

Major: The book?

1st Alien: Right.

[The aliens nod. Satisfied, they retreat back into thespaceship. Dissolve to an image of the U.S. CapitolBuilding. SUPER: WASHINGTON D.C. Dissolve to agovernment science office with a photos of outer spaceimages and a smiling Ronald Reagan hanging on thewall. Two plainclothes scientists peer at the aliens’book.]

1st Scientist: I know it seems hard to believebut I think this is on the level.

[The second scientist nods in agreement. The majorenters and confers with them.]

Major: Okay, what have you found out?

1st Scientist: What this is is sort of acombination almanac/encyclopedia for the planetMitron.

2nd Scientist: It gives a pretty completerundown on their entire civilization.

Major: All right, give it to me straight. Justwhat are we up against here?

1st Scientist: Major, as far as I can tell, weare dealing with a civilization here that is far -less – advanced – than our own.

2nd Scientist: I don’t know what they told youabout the planet Mitron but it’s about three hundredyears behind the planet Earth.

Major: But surely they must have much to teachus!

2nd Scientist: No.

1st Scientist: Not really.

2nd Scientist: Nothing.

1st Scientist: [shakes head sadly, shows themajor the book] Look, look. Leading occupation: sheepherding. Principle manufactured product: oil lamps. Icould go on and on.

2nd Scientist: I know why they were soconcerned about the book — it’s hand-lettered. Theyhaven’t even invented movable type yet.

Major: [exhales deeply] And if you could haveseen the way they acted! … [smacks his fist into hishand] Boy, this makes me mad! … What about thespaceship?

2nd Scientist: Well, there’s no way in theworld they could have built it. Our guess is — theyfound it.

Major: [upset] Oooh!

[Dissolve back to the spaceship. SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER- The aliens descend the gangplank and confer with themajor and his men. The major patiently holds thealiens’ book. The aliens are as haughty, sneering andobnoxious as before.]

1st Alien: Greetings, contemptible Earthcreatures. It is time you have learned of our plansfor your miserable planet. Gort?

2nd Alien: Yes. As those of you who have seenour book may know, one of the great wonders of Mitronis our sophisticated network of dirt roads.

1st Alien: However, every spring, the samething happens. The rains come and our roads become asea of mud. It is very hard on ourstagecoaches.

[The major glances back at his men. They can barelykeep from laughing.]

2nd Alien: In order to properly maintain theseroads, we need two things: more dirt — and slaves. Wehave chosen you, Earth creatures, to be thoseslaves.

1st Alien: We know how you must feel.Obviously, we do not expect you to be pleased uponhearing that you are to be enslaved but at least youmust admire our frankness.

2nd Alien: It would have been easy for ussimply to lie to you and tell you we had come infriendship. But we thought by telling you the truth,we may be able to win your respect, if not youraffection.

Major: Excuse–

[One of the soldiers bursts into applause. The majorand the other men look at him, annoyed. Embarrassed,he stops clapping and lowers his head.]

Major: [to the aliens] Excuse me. But, um, theleaders of our planet are most curious about yourspaceship. How did you build it?

1st Alien: [quickly] We did too buildit!

Major: No one said that you didn’t buildit.

2nd Alien: [defensively] We didn’t just findit! We built it ourselves, miserable Earthcreature!

1st Alien: [to the major] So, what is youranswer? Do you agree to come quietly and be our slavesor do you face the awesome power of ourmuskets?

[The second alien holds up a long, old-fashionedmusket. The major forcefully pushes the book into thefirst alien’s chest and takes a small submachine gunthat is handed to him by one of the soldiers.]

Major: [holds up the submachine gun] This isour answer.

2nd Alien: [laughs at the major’s small gun] Haha ha!

1st Alien: So, puny Earth creature, is that aweapon?

2nd Alien: Ah! But does it fire round leadballs, like these? [shows the major a handful ofmusket balls]

Major: Yes, it does. It fires two hundred roundlead balls per minute.

[The major steps forward and fires the machine gunnoisily into the air. The major returns to theastonished aliens who slowly retreat up the gangplankwhile still trying to maintain their false impressionof superiority.]

1st Alien: So, Earthlings, we will return toconquer you. Right now, we are leaving. … Butwe will come back later when it pleases us.

2nd Alien: Yes. Yours is one of –several planets we are considering conquering.We may decide not to but the choice is ours. Untilthen, don’t go anywhere.

1st Alien: Yeah, and – and don’t leave thisplanet!

[The major and his men watch as the gangplank/doorrises and shuts with an ominous bang. Engine noisesand smoke emerge from the bottom of the ship. Dissolveto stock footage of flying saucer taking off anddeparting, accompanied by pompous ’50s movie music.SUPER: THE END ?]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 11

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

The Further Adventures of Bill and Salena

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Trucker…..Jay Leno
Biff…..Jon Lovitz
Salena…..Joan Cusack

[ TITLE CARD: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BIFF AND SALENA ]

Announcer: And now, “The Further Adventures of Biff and Salena”.

[ INT. DINER – DAY ]

[ A TRUCKER drinks coffee at the counter. SALENA approaches him. ]

Salena: Will there be anything else?

Trucker: Yeah. A little more coffee.

Salena: You want a little more cream, too?

Trucker: Yeah! Why the heck not?

Salena: Good… because we’re all out.

Trucker: Oh.

Salena: How about some milk?

Trucker: Yeah, that’s fine.

Salena: A whole glass is extra!

Trucker: I don’t want a whole glass. Just a little milk in the coffee, you know?

Salena: How about a dollop? A dollop is free!

Trucker: Yeah, yeah… great! A dollop will be great! Gee, that’s real nice.

Salena: Okay!

[ Salena pours a dollop of milk into his coffee cup. ]

Trucker: That’s fine. One dollop is okay. I tell you what — can you make it to go? I’m supposed to tow a car on the Interstate-

Salena: Was it an accident!?

Trucker: I wish! Just a stall…

Salena: Gotcha. That’s where they usually happen… on the highway.

[ Salena pours his coffee into a to-go cup. ]

Salena: You know what? If you tear a hole in the lid, you can drink it while you drive!

[ The trucker gives Salena a strange look. ]

Trucker: No kidding. You develop a patent on that one?

Salena: No… I just made it up myself. You be careful you don’t burn your face.

Trucker: Okay! Thanks dollface! I gotta run!

Salena: Okay… take care of yourself

[ A gawking, buck-toothed nerd, BIFF, bangs on the window till the front entrance. The trucker’s amused by him and pats him on the cheek as Biff enters. ]

Biff: Salena! How are you?

Salena: Uh, hi Biff… how are you?

Biff: Oh fine.

Salena: We’re just about to close.

Biff: Oh, well, I was just going to ask you…

Salena: What?

Biff: Can I have some Jell-O!?

Salena: We only have one piece left…

Biff: Is it the corner piece?

Salena: Yes it is!! Would you like it hot or cold?

Biff: Hot please!

Salena: Okay…

[ Salena sets down a tray on the counter from below of Jell-O, scoops of a piece from the corner, and dispenses it in a mug. ]

Salena: One mug of Jell-O coming up!

Biff: O boy!

[ Salena puts the mug in the microwave and turns it on. As Salena returns to the counter, both she and Biff find themselves squirming due to awkward silence. They’re silent for a good matter of moments then start making puppets with their hands. ]

Biff [hand-puppet]: So Salena, what did you do today?

Salena [hand-puppet]: Oh… not too much. I cleaned the counters. What did you do?Biff: I made you another name plate.[ Biff pulls out a name plate from his inner jacket pocket. ]

Salena: Oh Biff! You’ve made me 14 name plates already! What do you think I’m going to do? Forget my name!?

Biff: Well… you never know! [back to hand-puppeting] Hey! You want to hear something!?

Salena: I… do!

[ Biff stretches his thumb and index finger and belts a high-tune as if he were Luciano Pavarotti. Salena giggles.]

Biff: What do think? I’ve been working on it all day!

Salena: That’s really good and very nice.

Biff: Thank you.

[ The microwave rings. ]

Salena: I’ll get it!

[ Salena opens the microwave and removes the mug. The Jell-O has become liquid. She serves it to Biff. ]

Salena: You want whipped cream on it?

Biff: Yes please…

[ Salena shakes a can and dispenses a tall mount of whipped cream on the mug. ]

Biff: When!

[ Biff digs into the liquid Jell-O. ]

Salena: Bon appétit’!

Biff: Thanks…

Salena: Is it good?

Biff: Mmm-hmm! Hey Salena, what are you going to do after work?

Salena: I don’t know… Thought I might go home… Change my shoes…

Biff: Oh… Hey! You want to go the…

Salena: Where?

Biff: Hey! Do you like Africa?

Salena: I can’t go there! I go to go to work tomorrow.

[ Salena starts putting items away from the counter. ]

Biff: It’d be nice to see. Don’t you think?

Salena: Yeah… Yeah, it’d be real nice to see.

Biff: Do you like that actor Robert Redford?

Salena: Oh yes, I do! Why?

Biff: Because… no reason.

Salena: Bellissimo! There we go!

Biff: So do you have to go home?

Salena: Well I don’t have to… but I was going to…

Biff: Well… if you want to… I could walk you home before I go to the movie? The movie’s playing at the mall.

Salena: Oh…

[ Biff pulls out a dollar bill from his pant pocket. ]

Biff: Here’s a dollar bill for the Jell-O.

Salena: Yeah, I guess that’d be okay.

[ Biff gets out of his seat. Salena grabs her coat and puts it on. ]

Biff: I only have 10 minutes. I better just go to the movie then…

Salena: Okay then. I guess you can just walk me as far as the movie.

Biff: Okay… I only have enough money for two tickets.

Salena: That’s good because I’m only one person!

[ Salena pokes Biff in the chest. Biff pokes Salena near her ear. ]

Salena: Ow!

Biff: Sorry.

[ Biff and Salena exit together as she turns out the lights and locks the door. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 22nd, 1986

Jay Leno

The Neville Brothers

Mike the Dog

Backstage With Tommy

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) gives Leno a backstage tour of Studio 8-H, which he owns.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Jay Leno’s Monologue

Leno performs stand-up on TV Guide, The People’s Court, game shows, insurance
companies, celebrity endorsements and Charles Manson.

Target Earth

Less-advanced aliens (Leno, Robert Downey, Jr.) act superior while attempting
to take miserable Earth creatures in as their slaves.

Dinner Reunion

At restaurant, Mike the Dog snuffs his former owner (Randy Quaid).

The Neville Brothers perform “The Big Chief”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Weekend Update Dancers dance to “Living In America” as a tribute to the
flu outbreak.

A. Whitney Brown delivers Big Picture on Iran and Iraq.

Star Search

Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid) and spokesmodel (Nora Dunn) introduce contestants.

Recurring Characters: Ed MacMahon.

Jay’s Evil Twin

Leno uses fake moustache to determine if date (Joan Cusack) will put out.

Observational Stand-Ups II

Observational stand-ups (Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Damon Wayans) receive advice
from Jackie Niles (Leno).

Man Beat Magazine

Lyle Alzado (Randy Quaid) bullies magazine spokesman (Robert Downey, Jr.).

The Neville Brothers perform “The Midnight Key”

The Further Adventures of Biff & Salena

Dull Biff (Jon Lovitz) and Selena (Joan Cusack) make small talk, plan trip.

Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall

…..Jerry Hall
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Mick Jagger

Bartender: What can I get you?

Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I’ll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!

Jerry Hall: Thank you.

Tommy Flanagan: My name’s Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Hall: Really?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Jerry Hall: I doubt it.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.

Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, what do you do?

Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I’m into rock and roll.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!

Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands – Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..

Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly! I never played with them.

Jerry Hall: I didn’t think so.

Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember “Satisfaction”? I wrote it!

Jerry Hall: You did not write “Satisfaction”.

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that’s it! But it was originally called, uh.. “I Can’t Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place”.. and I changed it!

Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.

Jerry Hall: He was never in ‘Nam.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s how I saved his life – I talked him out of going!

Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?

Jerry Hall: Because I’m his wife.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where’s your wedding band?

Jerry Hall: We’re not exactly married.

Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!

Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!

Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I’m sorry I’m a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.

Jerry Hall: Never mind, let’s just get going.. [ gets up ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It’s me, Tommy! Remember?

Mick Jagger: Who’s this guy?

Jerry Hall: Some guy named “Tommy”, who thinks he knows you.

Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!

Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?

Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?

Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn’t come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That’s right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together! That’s the ticket! Right, Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that’s the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!

Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]

Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]

Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.

Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
February 15th, 1986

Jerry Hall

Stevie Ray Vaughn

Jimmie Vaughn

Mick Jagger

Sam Kinison

Stevie Ray Vaughn, “Say What”

Pathological Liar Meets Jerry Hall

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Hall’s Monologue

The Limits Of The Imagination

Models Against The Wilderness

Stevie Ray Vaughn & Jimmy Vaughn perform “Say What”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Sam Kinison Stand-Up

Kaddafi’s Line of Death

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Stevie Ray Vaughn & Jimmy Vaughn perform “Change It”

Sore Big Toe

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

……Dennis Miller
……the “Weekend Update” Dancers
……A. Whitney Brown

[Open on a cheap, plastic statue of liberty with a lightbulb as a torch. Music playing: Theme from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”]

Announcer: Now, “Weekend Update,” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[applause]

Dennis Miller:Thank you, thank you. Now Nancy, I know you’re still up watching your son, but I want his attention too, so Ronnie, WAKE UP, babe!

Well, President Reagan gave his State of the Union address this week, and if I might say so, Mr. President, I found it a moving, informative, and inspiring speech that made me feel fortunate to be a United States citizen during your term. [pause] Boy, am I a suck-up, huh?

“Baby Doc” Duvalier fled from Haiti to Paris yesterday declaring himself ex-President for life. The– [some applause] Yeah, the Doc-man enters that pantheon of ex-Presidents-for-life, joining such distinguished ex-Presidents as Uganda’s President-for-life Idi Amin living in Tripoli, Iran’s President-for-life Bani Sadr, now living in Paris, and CBS-ABC-NBC President-for-life Fred Silverman. [cheers and applause] I think Fred’s now living somewhere in syndication.

Convicted mass murderer Charles Manson was denied parole again this week. Manson arrived at the hearing with a swastika etched in his forehead. And you know, what better way than that to signal the board that you’ve pulled your personal thing together and are ready to hit the streets again, huh? Now Chuck did say if he was released, he might visit Libya. Yeah, in Libya, this cat could head up the Conservative Party!

Federal deficit figures are in for the last decade, and the deficit for those ten years topped the trillion-dollar-mark. A trillion! And it goes up all the time. You know what that means, somewhere out there, there’s somebody who still insists on lending us money. I don’t know about you, somebody runs up a tab like that on me, I get a call from him hitting me up for more, I think I’m gonna go, “Hey, my man! You got that trillion you owe me! And that’s 18 zeroes, babe, you know. I gotta see something, a deuce, anything,” you know. That first 50 billion, I’ll go to the wall with him, pal, but you know, I’m feeling a little used here!

This just in from the Phillipines, Aquino is leading Marcos by 32 thousand. Of course that’s just the body count, the ballots are still being tallied. [laughter, which quickly turns into groaning and booing]

Dennis Miller: You guys got a stake in Marcos, or what? Settle down, don’t make me give you the business end of this arm. [applause] Well, thank you for reacting cordially to discipline. Um–

Well, the miniseries “Sins” defeated the miniseries “Peter the Great,” in the Nielsen ratings this week, and I guess you could interpret the numbers in a lot of ways, but to me it’s just another case of Joan Collins ending up on top of Peter. [applause] I guess that probably blows my cameo on “Dynasty,” huh?

Dennis Miller: A last-minute effort to control world oil prices ended in discord at the OPEC conference in Vienna this week. Ignoring the economic plight of their poorer petrolium-exporting comrades, the Saudis raised their output to capitalize on today’s relatively high prices. Now, a new feature designed to make the most turgid news seem accessible, this week’s topic, “Falling Oil Prices,” this week’s hit tune, Billy Ocean’s “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going,” and here they are, the “Weekend Update” dancers!

[applause. Music. Zoom out to a wide shot as several women run on stage, some on top of the “Weekend Update” desk. Two dancers push a third dancer off of the desk while shaking hands with a fourth dancer who wears a hat with smokestacks on top. The dancers run off to more applause]

Thank you girls. In the upcoming weeks we’ll be doing our best to bridge the gap between interpretive dance and political reportage. That is my pledge to you, and more importantly, the girls. Who says TV News has gone to hell? [little audience response; Miller sets aside the piece of paper that had the lame joke on it] OK, hold on to that one. I’m sure the coroner will want to examine it right after the show.

According to a startling new theory developed by astronomers at Mount Helemore Observatory, Halley’s Comet appears once every 76 years, then spends the rest of the time behind the dark side of the moon–giggling.

Dennis Miller: Well, here to pool all of this together for you in a way that makes some kind of sense is out senior correspondant. Ladies and gentlemen, A. Whitney Brown.

[pan to Whitney; applause]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, thank you. Fifteen years ago tonight, I was a shoeless teenage derelict, hitchhiking fron Dead concert to Dead concert. But I was busy; I was formulating my all-encompassing view of human affairs, something I like to call The Big Picture. You know, the Big Picture is something noticeably lacking in the news coverage these days. Oh sure, they give you fragmented morsels of the news: wars, coups, epidemics, sabotage, political shenanigans, I could go on and on, but there’s really no use in beating a dead horse. I mean, except for the pure joy of it.

But the point is- the point is that all this actual information does nothing but confuse the issue. How could you place your worldview in the hands of a news medium that would actually change the name of a planet just because it sounds embarassing to say? There’s no such place as Ur-anus, folks! Give the public a little credit! We’re mature adults. Nobody’s going to break out giggling just because Dan Rather announces that dark-colored rings have been discovered around Ur-anus! [applause]

But of course, that’s no more absurd than saying we ought to send money to these rebels in Angola in the name of freedom. Let’s put this into the Big Picture. It’s an African revolution. What really are the chances of anything remotely resembling a democracy emerging from that boiling cauldron of tribal warfare? Might as well put the money on the Knicks.

Then we have these Nicaraguan contras passing the hat for another hundred million dollars. These guys are asking for four days and they don’t even have a country! Oh sure, they hope to get one someday. Don’t we all! But where’s the collateral? How do we know they won’t just blow the whole wad on Julio Iglesias albums? [applause]

Which brings us to the Phillipines. We live now in a global village, my friends. And you know, everything’s as interrelated as an Appalachian coal town. This is- this is not just some remote coconut republic in the South Seas, this the gateway to the Solomon Islands we’re talking about, the world’s richest source of guano! Let me just ask, how many of you actually took the time to vote in the Phillipine elections? Do you realize without our naval base in Subic Bay, the entire southern flank of the International Date Line would just be dangling in front of the Soviets like a sardine at Sea World? What if the Russians- what if the Russians snapped up the International Date Line and moved it to Moscow? I’ll tell you what, they could launch an attack the day before yesterday, that’s what!

Now you’re starting to get the Big Picture. Insights like these don’t come from traipsing the overused path of reason and logic, my friends. No, they must be drawn instinctively, from that ever-flowing fountain of ignorance within us all. And that’s the Big Picture for tonight.

[applause; Dennis and Whitney shake hands]

Dennis Miller: Senior correspondent A. Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, I just had a thought. How come Kadaffi’s only a colonel?

In closing, I’d like to say a belated Happy Birthday to the president, who turns sevent- seventy-five? Seventy-five, is that right? Seventy-five, and he has access to the button? You know, my grandfather’s seventy-five, we won’t let him use the remote control for the TV set! [applause] This guy woulda been kicked out of Menudo sixty years ago!

Well that’s the news, ladies and gentlemen, I am out of here! Good night!

[applause; fade]

Thanks to Michael C. Arroyo for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Shakespeare in the Slums

Flotilda Williams … Danitra Vance

[Fire escape outside a brick Harlem tenement building.A poor, young African-American girl (wearing acolorful combination of dreadlocks, a pink top,rainbow belt, blue jeans, yellow socks and sneakers)stands on the fire escape and takes wash off of aclothesline. She turns to address the camera.]

Flotilda Williams: Um, hi, I’m FlotildaWilliams. Um, Flotilda Williams, the classical actresswith the federally-funded classical repertory companycall “Shakespeare in the Slums.” … Um, right now,we’re doin’ a production of Mister WilliamShakespeare’s entitled “Romeo and Juliet” – and it isthe play that inspired the TV game show “Family Feud.”…

I play Juliet and she live here in a high rise. Butshe live in the low part of the high rise, okay? …And, um, she in her room tryin’ to be asleep but shecan’t sleep because she’s thinkin’ about this guy -this really cute guy – he make her laugh with hisfunny, funny jokes, prob’ly got some money, so sheLIKE him! … Um, his name Romeo — that’s the title,”Romeo and Juliet.”

So, I’m up here on my back porch and he down here inthe alleyway, lookin’ up in my window. Now – he notlookin’ up in my window because he a freak — helookin’ up in my window because he LIKE me a LOT. …And then – then he begin to talk to hisself. Now henot talkin’ to hisself because he crazy. He talk tohisself because it’s a play, okay? … People in playstalk to theyselves a LOT. … All right. So — he downthere in the alleyway, lookin’ up in my window,talkin’ to hisself. He say, finally:

[Throughout the rest of the sketch, she enactsShakespeare’s dialogue extravagantly, assuming thecharacters completely, and then abruptly reverts toher “ghetto” self to address the camera with bluntexplanations of the text.]

“But soft! what light throo yonder windo’break?”

And that’s when I break through the window. … Andwhen I break through, I’m like this: [with gesturesand lips moving, she mimes an animated conversationbut makes no sound] … Because he say I speak — yetI say nothing. [mimes some more soundless dialogue]… And then, finally, I say my first words, Isay,

“Ay me!
O, Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thouRomeo?”

Wherefore mean why. She sayin’, “Why you gotsto be Romeo?”

“Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love [handsto her heart]
And I’ll no longer be a Capsulet.”…

And she thinkin’, she thinkin’,

“Tis but thy name that is my enemy
Thou art thyself though, not a Montagoo.”
What’s a Montagoo? … It is nor hand, norarm,
Nor foot, nor face, nor any other part[hands on hips]
Belonging to a man.”

[suggestive] You know what she’s talkin’ about. …Then she say, you know, a lot o’ things. You know, allthese things, back and forth, back and forth, back andforth. She talk to herself and she start talkin’ tohim down here in the alleyway because she finally seehim down there. She say lovey-dovey thingslike:

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
[hears noise, looks around]
I hear some noise within, dear love, adieu.”
That mean bye. … And, uh,

“Stay but a little, I will come again.”

That mean she be right back. [mimes an exit, thenreturns] … And then she come right back. …

“Three words, dear Romeo, and good nightindeed.
If that thy bent of love be honorable,
Thy purpose marriage, send word,
By one I’ll procure to come to thee,
Where and at what time thou wilt perform therite.”

That mean marry me, marry me, marry me – I’m notgiving up nothin’ till you marry me. …[fixes her hair, breathlessly]

“Then all my fortunes at thy foot I’ll lay
And follow thee, my lord, throughout theworld.
[hears noise, calls off]
By and by, I come–!
[back to Romeo]
But if thou mean’st not well
I do beseech thee
To cease thy suit and leave me to mygrief.”

That mean if you not gonna marry me, don’t mess withmy mind. I can find somebody else! …

“A thousand times good night.”

Then she gone again. Um, this time she gone a littlebit longer ’cause she had to talk to her Mama and theNurse. Um, I don’t know why she had to talk to theNurse because she not really sick. … [mimesan exit, then returns] And then she come right back.But she don’t see him nowhere. And she want to say,[cups hands to her mouth, calls out] “Hey, Romeo!Where you at?!” … But she can’t do that becauseJuliet is a very dignified girl, and hollerin’ off theback porch is very iginant. … So she justsay, she just say, she just say, she say:

“Hist … “

[nervously looks around, then through clenched teeth,quietly]

“Romeo.”

[nervously puts a hand to her lips, pauses, takes adeep breath, cups hands to mouth, lowers voice, callsgoofily with round eyes and mouth:]

“Rooooooomeeeooooooo …”

[breaks into a smile at the sight of Romeo] And thenshe see him. Um…

“I have forgot why I did call thee back.
‘Tis almost morning. I would thee were gone
And yet no further than a wanton’s bird
That lets it hop a little from her hand
Like a poor prisoner in her twisted gyves
And with a silk thread plucks it back again
So loving-jealous of his liberty.” …

I don’t know what that part mean. … And – and thenshe say, she say, uh,

“Good night.”

[starts to exit but comes back, sees Romeo’s stillthere — more insistently]

“Good night! Parting is such sweetsorrow
That I shall say good night till it bemorrow.”

[she blows Romeo a kiss and gives him a little wave -then, pleasantly, into the camera]

Good night.

[And with that, Flotilda Williams, classical actress,turns and goes back to taking down her laundry.Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts