President Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney …..Ron Reagan
[ open on exterior, sign: Camp David ]
[ dissolve to interior, President Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan dressed in country clothing on bed, talking to Ron, Jr. over the phone ]
President Ronald Reagan: Hello, Ron? It’s Dad. Uh, I’m here with Mommy and, uh.. we just arrived, and wanted to call and.. say that we arrived, and, uh.. just to see how you’re doing, and uh.. well, uh.. how are you doing?
[ cut to close-up of Ron, Jr., dressed in pink shirt, obviously on the phone in the Oval Office ]
Ron Reagan: I’m fine, fine, Dad. Thanks for calling.
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
President Ronald Reagan: Now, Ron, while we’re gone, you are in charge of the White House. And, uh, I don’t have to remind you what a responsibility that is. So, uh.. be sure to leave the lights on, and lock the door when you go out. And, uh.. if you have any problems, with the heating or the plumbing, or anything, and you can’t reach us, just call George or Barbara Bush – that’s what they’re there for.
[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]
Ron Reagan: Sure, Dad. I gotcha.
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
President Ronald Reagan: Well, uh.. your mom is, uh.. Nancy motions to be handed the phone ] ..starting to give me dirty looks here.. [ Nancy humorlessly shakes her head no ] ..so, I’ll hand the phone over to her.
[ Nancy takes the phone ]
Nancy Reagan: Ron? It’s Mom! I just wanted to say we love you, and trust you, and, one more thing – this is very important. You know the red phone in the Oval Office? If that starts to blink, look on the refrigerator. There’s an instruction marked “Strategic Bomber Component of Nuclear Triad.” It’s tacked up there with a little banana magnet!
[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]
Ron Reagan: Okay, Mom. I-I got it. You guys don’t worry about anything, just.. just have fun, you two, okay?
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
Nancy Reagan: We will, son.
President Ronald Reagan: Goodbye, son, be good!
Nancy Reagan: [ enthusiastically ] Bye, honey!
[ they hang up the phone ]
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I feel better already!
Nancy Reagan: See? I don’t know why you don’t trust him?
[ dissolve to exterior, White House – night ]
[ Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock And Roll” pots up ]
[ cut to interior doorway, Oval Office ]
[ Ron, Jr. slides into frame dressed as Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” He lip-syncs into a trophy, dances over to the fireplace and shows off his moves while crouched in front of the audience, his ass cheeks wiggling. ]
[ Ron throws down the statue, grabs a broom, and jumps on top of the President’s desk and shimmies while playing air guitar, then jumps off the desk and does a split on the carpet ]
[ Ron jumps backfirst onto the couch and wiggles his legs high into the air, then flips onto his stomach and shakes his body loose before jumping up and dancing through the room again ]
[ exterior shot of the White House reveals a tiny silhoette bouncing in the upper window ]
[ Ron raises his collar, flips off his sunglasses and turns to face the camera ]
Ron Reagan: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Ron Reagan, Jr.: Yeah, you haven’t lived ’til you’ve hyperventilated on live television! Od course, I just want to try something here. I want to see a show of hands: how many people here.. think that I was asked to host “Saturday Night Live”.. because I’m a new contributing editor with Playboy magazine?
[ audience cheers and applauds ]
Oh, really? That’s alright. Okay. Now.. how many people here.. think that I was asked to host the show.. because.. my father’s.. the President of the United States?
[ audience cheers and applauds louder ]
That’s what’s I thought. That’s what I thought, yeah!
You know, a lot of people – most people – believe that the President of the United States – whoever he or she might be – is the msot powerful person in the world. But how many people know.. who the second.. most powerful person in the world is? [ audience members begin to quietly chant responses, as Ron chuckles ] You might think it’s the Secretary of the State, maybe.. maybe the Chief of Staff, Speaker of the House.. maybe even the First Lady. [ shakes head ] Uh-uh. [ points thumb toward himself ] That’s right! That’s right. The President’s youngest son.. is the second most owerful person.. in the world!
It has its advantages, I have to say. For instance, uh.. oh.. you might have fantasized about taking an F-16 fighter plane out for a little low-level stunt-flying over a densely-populated area. No problem. No problem, when you’re the second most powerful person in the world.
Or, uh, maybe dream of giving away multi-million dollar water projects as Christmas presents. Just a matter of a few phone calls.. when you’re the second.. most powerful person.. in the world.
Okay, enough about me, right? We’ve got a great show. We’ve got The Nelsons, special guests Penn and Teller. [ audience applauds ] And, and for the first time in the history of the show, the show is being carried on the Armed Forces Television Network. [ audience cheers ] Now, it was a request – a special request – of the sub-Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. It’s, uh.. it’s my sister Patty.
Ron Reagan: We took an informal poll here.. We took an informal poll – we all had fun! I don’t know about you, huh? I want to thank The Nelsons! The Nelsons! and Penn & Teller! Good night! Good night!
Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid Nancy Davis/Reagan…..Terry Sweeney …..Ron Reagan Doc…..Jon Lovitz Director…..Robert Downey, Jr. Actor…..Dan Vitale Welfare Mom…..Danitra Vance
[ “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News pots up ]
[ SUPER: “Steven Spielberg Presents” ]
[ SUPER: “A Take Your Oscar And Shove It Production” ]
[ SUPER: “Back To The Future” logo ]
[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house – day ]
[ dissolve to interior, Ronald Reagan talking on the phone ]
Ronald Reagan: Hello, Sid? Ron Reagan. [ a beat ] The actor? I’m sorry to bother you, Sid, but, uh.. you’re my agent, and, uh.. well, I-I haven’t worked in ten years. Not since, uh, 1976, unless you count.. filling in for Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game.” And, uh.. well.. anyway, it seems that, uh.. you never returned my calls —
[ a disheveled Nancy Reagan – with dangling cigarette, hair in curlers, funky nightgown – enters and sits next to Ronald on the couch ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, give it a rest, Dutch! Sid doesn’t care about you. In his book, you’re a washed-up old ham!
Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, Nancy, Sid’s not like that. He cares about people. He’s al ifelong Democrat, like me.
Nancy Reagan: [ snidely ] I think that says it all.
Ronald Reagan: Now, Mommy, the Democrat Party is the party of compassion. The party of the disadvantaged. The poor, the elderly!
Nancy Reagan: That about covers us. [ kills a shot ]
[ Ron Reagan, dressed as Marty McFly in life vest, enters from the front door on a skateboard ]
Ron Reagan: Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! What’s for dinner?
Nancy Reagan: My specialty – cold pizza.
[ offscreen crash sound effect from Ron ]
Nancy Reagan: [ as soft music pots up ] Oh, Ronnie.. remember how trim I was the day we first met? It was exactly thirty years ago today. In fact, right on this spot.
[ Ron re-enters, sits next to Nancy on the couch ]
Nancy Reagan: Our house was built over the old RKO Studio, where we met on the set of “Hellcats of the Navy.” Your father – Ronald Reagan —
Ron Reagan: Mom. I know Dad’s name.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I had so much exposition to establish, I.. I got lost. Well, anyway.. a sandbag fell on your father’s head. He looked so.. helpless, so pathetic.. so pitiful.. so wretched —
Ronald Reagan: Mommy, I think the boy gets the idea.
Nancy Reagan: Well, anyway, I fell for the big lug!
[ doorbell rings ]
Ronald Reagan: Well.. who could that be?
Ron Reagan: Oh, Mom, Dad. I invited Dr. Brown over for dessert.
[ Ron gets up to answer the door to Doc Brown, dressed in a crazy get-up and holding a weirdly-shaped blender ]
Doc: Ron! Ron! Well! I did it! I doscovered a way.. to travel through time! You see this blender! It’s actually.. a time machine!
Ronald Reagan: Whoops! Speaking of time, uh.. it’s ten o’clock, Mommy, uh.. let’s go upstairs and watch Jane on “Falcon Crest.”
Nancy Reagan: Ugh! do we have to? I just ate.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, Mommy.. Jane’s not so bad, and.. we do need the alimony.
[ Nancy and Ronald get up to go upstairs to watch “Falcon Crest”, greeting Dr. Brown as they exit the room ]
Nancy Reagan: Hell-oooooo!
Ronald Reagan: Hello, Dr. Brown.
Doc: Hello!
Ron Reagan: Now, uh.. Dr. Brown. Come on in, tell me about this invention.
Doc: Well! I got the idea about it.. ohhhhh.. about thirty years ago, when I was working on the old RKO lot! [ looking around the room ] In fact.. it was right around here! Yeah!
[ flashing Super: “More Exposition” ]
Doc: I was a Technical Advisor! On “Hellcats of the Navy”! When all of a sudden, a sandbag fell on.. some fading actor’s head! It was then, that I got the idea for my flux capicator!
Ron Reagan: Yeah, well.. how does it work?
Doc: Well! The first ting you have to do.. is plug it in! Just like.. that! [ plugs blender into the wall ] Then! you see this button here? That’s Mix! [ presses button, lights light up ] Then! [ pushes next sequence of buttons ] There’s Liquefy! Then, Blend! And Puree! Run! Blend again! Then, the final button, is Time Travel! But.. before I push it.. [ turns blender off ] I’m gonna set the clock back.. say.. thirty years! To exactly.. thirty years ago.. today!
[ SUPER: “That’s the day the sandbag fell on Ron’s dad and Dr. Brown thought of time travel.” ]
Ron Reagan: By the way, uh, Doc.. where did you get this blender?
Doc: Oh, I, uh.. I stole it from a 7-11, run by some very dangerous-looking Libyans!
[ doorbell rings ]
Doc: Oh! I’ll get it! Probably for me! [ opens the door to Libyans ] Hi! How are yo —
[ the Libyans open fire on Doc ]
Doc: Ron! press the button! Press the button!
[ Ron presses the button on the blender, and dissolves into thin air ]
[ dissolve to “Hellcats of the Navy” movie set, thirty years in the past ]
Director: Okay! Everybody! RKO is not.. made.. of.. money! Alright? In fact, after this movie they’re tearing down this studio to put up a lower-midle class housing develop!
[ Ron and the blender materialize from thin air ]
Ron Reagan: Whoa.. what year is this?
Director: Come on! Let’s get going! I want to get this movie in the can while it’s stil 1956! Okay?
Ron Reagan: 1956..?
Actor: [ walking past ] Hey, this is a closed set, buddy – you belong here? This is Stage 3 – “Hellcats of the Navy.”
Ron Reagan: “Hellcats of the Navy”..?
Director: [ aggravated ] Where.. is.. our.. leading man?! Ron! [ raises megaphone ] Ron Reagan!! Come on!
[ cut to Ronald Reagan, costumed for his role, sitting in an actor’s chair with his back to the camera. He turns to face the audience rather elegantly. ]
Ronald Reagan: Here I am!
Ron Reagan: Dad! Dad!
Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs. Now, Richard.. where is that new leading lady you were telling me about?
Director: Oh, yeah. Nancy Davis. Alright, uh.. [ calling ] Nancy Davis to the set! Nancy!
[ Nancy, costumed as a big-bosumed nurse, enters the set ]
Nancy Davis: Here I am!
Ron Reagan: [ stunned ] Mom!
Director: Uh.. Nancy, Ron; Ron, Nancy. [ both are silent toward one another ] Okay, okay.. [ into the megaphone ] Places, everybody! [ looks upward ] Uh.. Bobby? Bobby! move that sandbag that’s hanging over Ron’s head, would you? Come on! [ steps away ]
[ Ron jumps into frame to push Ronald out of the way, as the sandbag crashes instead on Ron’s head. Nancy screams. ]
[ zoom in on Ron’s body, as screen wiggles briefly to flash forward a few minutes. Nancy’s legs appear behind Ron’s body, as she leans in to help him to his feet. ]
Nancy Davis: Hello there, handsome stranger!
Ron Reagan: Mom..?
Nancy Davis: Mom? Oh, that must be quite a bump on your head, Nicky.
Ron Reagan: Nicky?
Nancy Davis: That’s the name on your tennis shoe.
Ron Reagan: That’s.. th-th-that’s Nike.
Nancy Davis: Oh. Sorry, Nike. It’s still a very sensuous name – how about a kiss?
Ron Reagan: No! Mom! Uh.. Nancy. Nancy. But.. but you know who is a real, sensuous guy? Ronald Reagan.
Nancy Davis: Ugh. Ronald Reagan?
Ron Reagan: I think he wants to go out with you.
Nancy Davis: Not only is he not attractive in the way you are, because he wasn’t hit in the head with that sandbag – but, besides that, he’s a wimping, bleeding heart, liberal Democrat. The only men who make my Maidenform warm are arch-conservative, right-wing jingoists!
Ron Reagan: [ gasping ] Excuse me, Nancy. I’ve.. got to meet some of my intellectual New York friends, for a Ban The Bomb rally.
Nancy Davis: Oh.. that’s okay! You’re still attractive to me, because you were hit in the head with that sandbag!
[ Ron runs across the set, bumping into a younger, pre-occupied Dr. Bown ]
Ron Reagan: Doc!
Doc: How’d you know my name?!
Ron Reagan: Doc, I’m from the future! 1986! [ Doc appears skeptical ] I can prove it! When I got hit on the head with that sandbag, you had the inspiration for a time travel machine.
Doc: That’s right! In fact, I just drew a picture of it! But, wait a minute! If you’re from the future, who’s the president in 1986?!
Ron Reagan: A woman named Geraldine Ferraro.
Doc: What?!
Ron Reagan: But.. she’s being impeached because her.. husband stole from the.. White House petty cash.
[ flashing SUPER: “Cheap Joke” ]
Doc: It’s very important that you don’t interact with anybody! You could alter the future, and the results could be disastrous!
Ron Reagan: I-it’s too late, it’s too late. My mom already has the hots for me. You see, the bag was supposed to fall on my dad’s head.. but it didn’t.. and-and.. my mom’s only attracted to right-wing, uh —
Doc: That’s alright, I don’t care! You’d just better go and fix it, or you’ll never be born! Go on! Hurry!
Ron Reagan: [ walking off ] You’re asking me to change his politics —
Doc: Go!!
[ Ron approaches Ronald, who’s sitting in his actor’s chair ]Uh.. Ron.. uh..?
Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs.
Ron Reagan: No, no, no.. I want to talk politics.
Ronald Reagan: Politics? Okay. I believe a government should be judged by how well it treats the most needy among us. I believe this requires an ever-increasing role by the federal government, including massive federal programs, and the beaurocracy needed to administer them. I guess, if you had to peg my politics, you’d have to say, well, that I was a far-left liberal Democrat.
Ron Reagan: But, Ron.. as the public sector becomes larger and larger, there’ll be less and less wealth to distribute.
Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. [ thinking ] Yes.. yes, I see what you mean.
Ron Reagan: The way to maximimze wealth is to set loose the creative energies of men and women free from the constraints of government intervention. The wealth will then trickle down, to the poor.
Ronald Reagan: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.
Ron Reagan: Did you know.. that every tax cut in the history of government has brought with it an actual increase in revenues?
Ronald Reagan: Really? Well, that does it! I guess I’ve been fooling myself all along! Put ‘er there, fellow Republican! [ shakes hands with Ron ]
Ron Reagan: Terrific! Terrific! By the way, Ron, uh.. thjat cute Nancy chick kind of likes you.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, really?
Ron Reagan: Yeah. Why don’t you go check her out?
Ronald Reagan: Really? Okay.
[ Rambles ambles toward Nancy Davis ]
Ronald Reagan: Uh, Miss Davis?
Nancy Davis: Nike, is that — [ turns around, disappointed ] Yes?
Ronald Reagan: Well. Miss Davis, I just thought that.. well.. since we’re going to be playing opposute each other, you might want to hear my political views.
Nancy Davis: Don’t waste your breath, buster – I know where you stand.
Ronald Reagan: [ affirmatively ] No, you don’t! Did you know that, for every tax cut in the history of government, that has brought along with it increased revenues?
Nancy Davis: Oh.. I’d love to hear more! How about my trailer?
Ronald Reagan: Fine.
Nancy Davis: [ drags Ronald off-screen by his tie, passing Ron and Doc ] Come on, big guy!
Ron Reagan: Doc? Doc, I did it! I did it!
Doc: Oh, good!
Ron Reagan: I’ve gotta get back home..
Doc: You still have the time machine! Press the button!
[ Ron presses the button, but nothing happens ]
Ron Reagan: Now, what do I do?
Doc: What?! Oh! You gotta plug it in, stupid! Here! I’ll do it! 1.. 2.. there! [ plugs up the blender ]
Ron Reagan: Oh.. Doc, about the future. I’ve got to tell you something —
Doc: Oh, no no! No matter how good your intentions are, don’t tell me! The results could be disastrous!
Ron Reagan: Okay. Bye. But.. you die a horrible death.
[ Ron dissolves into thin air ]
Doc: What?! How?! Poison?! Shot by a jealous husband?!
[ dissolve back to present-day, Ron sprawled across the couch from his present-day living room ]
Ron Reagan: Holy smokes! [ looks around ] Mom? Dad? Where is everybody?
[ a welfare mother and her numerous children come down the stairs to investigate the noise from Ron ]
Welfare Mom: What are you doing in my house? Who are you?!
Ron Reagan: I’m.. I’m Ron Reagan..
Welfare Mom: The President’s son?
Ron Reagan: [ confused ] The President’s son?
Welfare Mom: Yeahhhh. I recognize you from People magazine. Yeah, you’re Ronald Reagan’s son!
Ron Reagan: Yeah. Yeah, I am!
[ a beat ]
Welfare Mom: Get the hell out of my house! Your daddy cut off my food stamps! Get him, kids!
[ the welfare mom and her kids chase Ron out of the house, beating him with pillows as he makes his escape into the night ]
Roman Polanski…..Dudley Moore Joan Collins…..Terry Sweeney Cabrini Green Jackson…..Danitra Vance Tammy Whitborough…..Joan Cusack Terry Guthrie…..Robert Downey Jr. Donna Marie Kelsey…..Nora Dunn
[ Still shot of city at night, over the theme music. SUPER: “Detroit, Michigan” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Louise Mandrell Pavilion in Detroit, 51 of America’s most beautiful pregnant teenagers vie for the title of … [ the program’s logo appears ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America! And here’s your host, Roman Polanski!
[ Fade to Roman on center stage in front of a curtain ]
Roman Polanski: [ Germanic accent ] Velcome. You can literally feel ze excitement here at de Mandrell Pavilion. You know, every girl here is a vinner in her own right. [ chuckles ] And it’s gonna be an almost impossible task choosing this year’s Miss Pregnant Teenage America. We started vit fifty-vun girls early this veek, but uh, yesterday, Miss Tennesee, Rhonda Lynn Walker, went into labor and gave birth to a healthy little girl, Crystal Alexis Carrington Walker. Now … vonderful, isn’t it? Now let’s meet our semi-finalists.
[ The curtain opens and the semi-finalists step out, holding bouquets and doing a choreographed dance, as the orchestra plays “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ] Let’s hear it for the boy! [ They toss the bouquets into the audience ] Let’s give the boy a haa-aaa-aand! Let’s hear it for my baby, ‘Cause he’s my lovin’ maaa-aaa-aaan. Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo, But he’s my lovin’ one-man show. Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Roman watches with amusement as they continue their choreographed dance ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ] Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo, But he’s my lovin’ one-man show. Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy! Let’s hear it for the boy! Let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Applause. As the song finishes, they all gather around Roman for a seductive pose. ]
Roman Polanski: Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you! Thank you! Let’s hear it for the girls. Excuse me, my darling — [ steps past one of the finalists ] heh, in a moment, heh, we’ll meet our finalists, but first, with us here tonight, is our own, Joan Collins! Joan!
[ Applause. Joan Collins walks over to Roman ]
Joan Collins: Thank you, Roman. [ attempts to read the cue cards ] You know, this year’s crop of 51 pageant girl teens is probably the most diverse ever in the history of the pageant. Um — oh god, these cards — um, representing every race, religion, and creed, eh, with the exception of Jews.
Roman Polanski: Well, thank you, thank you very much. And um, now, let’s meet our two finalists, chosen by our judges from competitions earlier in the week, as they promenade in the evening gown competition. Miss Illinois.
[ Miss Illinois, Cabrini Green Jackson, attempts to show off her pink gown while in heels, and walks up to a microphone stand. The microphone malfunctions as she begins to speak. ]
Cabrini Green Jackson: My name is Cabrini Green Jackson, and I’m 17 years old, and I plan to use this pageant as a stepping stone toward being a model, a spokesmodel, for Planned Parenthood. That way I can educate young mens and young womens to the fact that their bodies are temples, not to be wore out.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Very touching. And now, Miss South Carolina.
[ Miss South Carolina displays her black gown with white frills, then walks over to the microphone. ]
Tammy Whitborough: Hi. Mah name is Tammy Whitborough, and ah’m 15 years old. And my goal is to identifah, locate, and evintually marry the father of my unborn chaaald.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Miss South Carolina. I’m now here with a remarkable young man, Terry Guthrie, who is responsible for impregnating not one, not two, but three of this years contestants: Miss Colorado, Miss Arizona and Miss Nevada. Now Terry, how did you do it?
Terry Guthrie: Uh, it was last summer, I worked as a tour guide at the Grand Canyon National Park, and uh, you know, we get a lot of high school groups coming through, and uh, you know, I got a pretty nice car, so. [ shrugs ]
Roman Polanski: Yes. Now, I um, I understand, I understand, Terry, that you’ve just signed up for a four-year hitch in the army.
Terry Guthrie: Yes, that is correct, sir.
Roman Polanski: And do you, do you have any advice for the young teenage men of America?
Terry Guthrie: Well, just this: [ looks at the camera ] don’t let ’em kid you, guys, all right? Contraception is the girl’s responsibility, not the guy’s!
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you. Thank you, Terry. Very nice indeed. Now, now in her part of ze talent competition, Miss Pregnant Teen Illinois shows us how important it is to give your baby every break. Whether it is the break of pre-natal checkups, the break of proper nutrition, or just plain break-DANCING!
[ Cabrini re-emerges in a gold gown and spandex, doing a break-dance routine to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Cabrini. Now, Miss Pregnant Teen South Carolina will deliver an original dramatic reading to her unborn child.
[ Tammy comes back on stage ]
Tammy Whitborough: “O little friend, down inside of me, … how did you get they-er? Who put you they-er? Why are you they-er, and how will you ever get out? These are questions unanswerable. Perhaps someday, when you will be a scientist or a doctor, you can answer these riddles of the universe. Where do babies come from?”
[ Applause. She walks offstage. ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Tammy. We’ll be right back after dis.
[ Cut to the logo in front of the blue curtain, followed by sponsor logos ]
Don Pardo V/O: The Miss Pregnant Teenage America pageant is brought to you by, Care Bears Chewable Birth Control Pills. Hello Care Bears, goodbye worry. And by Century 21 Adoption Agency. We do everything legally possible to make sure your child never learns your identity. Back to you, Roman.
Roman Polanski: [ Dudley flubs his line ] Thank you, Sem — thank you, wherever you are. I don’t know anymore. Vhile our judges tabulate the results, it’s time for us to say goodbye to the reigning Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Donna Marie Kelsey, as she takes her traditional farewell stroll.
[ As she does so, a pre-recorded tape of her voice is played over the orchestra. ]
Donna Marie Kelsey V/O: Oh, what a year it has been. First, winning the crown, then giving birth to my son, Blake Kerrington Kelsey. And of course, the travel, lugging little Blake and all his baby accessories from city to city, as we toured this great country. Now the time has come for my farewell stroll. Well, seeing as how I am pregnant again, I feel that I should not have to relinquish my crown.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Donna Marie, we’re going to miss you. Well now — some exciting news, I have za envelope wis za results. [ Walks over to Cabrini and Tammy ] One of these two girls will be the new Miss Pregnant Teenage America. Now, ze runner-up is important, because should da winner do anything to bring disgrace upon this pageant —
[ Dudley looks around and waits impatiently for the next cue card ] — though I, I-I can’t imagine what she’d have to do for that to happen — hi. Then, ze runner-up will assume her responsibilities. Now, ze big moment is here.
[ Drumroll ]
Roman Polanski: The runner up, and winner of a rare first-edition copy of Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s new book, First Love, is … Tammy Whitborough, Miss South Carolina!
[ Tammy reacts in shock. She and Cabrini hug each other. ]
Roman Polanski: And the winner, and new Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Cabrini Green Hollenbrook Jackson! Congratulations.
[ Cabrini hugs Donna, receives a bouquet and tiara from Joan Collins, then circles the stage as Roman sings. ]
Roman Polanski: [ singing ] There she goes, Miss Pregnant Teen America, With that glow, That says she’s not alone. Though you’re in a jam any way, We all just vant to say, Ve adooooooore you, Miss Pregnant Teen Americaaaaaaaaaa!
[ All the other contestants gather around Cabrini and give hugs ]
Roman Polanski: Good night, everybody! Good night!
Don Pardo V/O: [ reading the screen ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America is in no way affiliated with the Miss Knocked-Up U.S.A. Pageant.
[ Roman and the contestants wave goodbye as the logo appears again. Fade to black. ]
Jack…..Jon Lovitz Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney George Washington…..Dennis Miller Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr. Announcer…..Don Pardo
[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]
Announcer [V/O]: It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!
[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie. He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]
Jack: Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale! [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!] This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices! Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99! [Flashing super: $19.99] That’sonly $19.99!
[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]
Lincoln: Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him] George Washington?!?
Washington: I cannot tell a Lie, Abe! I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!
[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]
Jack: I have a dream! You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!
[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]
Sitting Bull: [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?
Sherlock Holmes: [removes pipe from mouth] Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull. Low overhead means low prices!
[wipe back to Jack]
Jack: [hands above eyes] I have seen the otherside of the mountain! [lowers hands] And the prices are way,way higher! So march on down to the King! King! KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!
Announcer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, Im not an anchorperson, but I play one on TV. So heres the news. Tonights top story…
President Reagan had three small polyps removed from his colon yesterday. Doctors say they are quote, clinically benign. However, there was a fourth growth in Mr. Reagan colon, which had been causing his extreme pain in his posterior region.
[ BLURRY IMAGE IS DISPLAYED ON THE NEWS SCREEN. ]
As these blurred, magnified colonoscopic pictures reveal, it was, at first, a blurred unidentifiable mass.
[ IMAGE BECOMES LESS BLURRED ]
Upon closer examination, it turned to be magnified many times as the Presidents most painful polyp yet.
[ PHOTO OF LIBYAN PRESIDENT MUAMMAR GADDAFI ]
A tad flaky, too.
[ PHOTO OF BERT CONVY ]
Incidentally, pre-production has begun on the movie biography of Col. Gaddafi and hell be played by popular game show host Bert Convy. [ pause ] I think its a breakthrough part for Bert.
[ NEWSPAPER GRAPHIC OF SUBWAY SHOOTER BERNARD GOETZ: BERNARD GOETZ GETS OFF ]
The big news in New York is about Bernard Goetz. And this Daily News headline says it all. Things do go full-circle, because if Im not mistaken, this is the same headline they used the night of the shooting.
[ ABC NETWORK LOGO ]
ABCs recent takeover by Capital Cities announced plans to send drug-sniffing dogs into the offices to enforce its anti-drug policy. Sounds like grandstanding to me. Here at NBC, our parent company RCA has had a drug-sniffing pooch for years.
[ RCA NIPPER LOGO ]
This week, Nicaragua & El Salvador formed an alliance for the expressed purpose of suing Libya for keeping them off the front page of newspapers.
Tragedy struck the slopes of Mt. Rainier in the state of Washington today when a lost mountain climber had to eat the people who were rescuing him to stay alive. Anything goes above the timber line
Heres our weekly roundup of the worlds troubled spots: the Iran-Iraq border, the South Africa-Zimbabwe border. Of course, Uganda, Syria-Israel-Lebanon conflict, and lastly, Jerry Lee Lewis current marriage.
[ PHOTO OF NASAS COLUMBIA SHUTTLE ]
The troubled and plagued mission of the space shuttle Columbia finally ended this morning when the craft landed in Steven Spielbergs backyard in Beverly Hills. Spielberg, who recently bought NASA, had no comment.
[ PHOTO OF FIRST FAMILYS PET REX ]
The Reagans King Charles spaniel Rex had surgery this week at a Washington veterinary hospital. It was a tonsillectomy and required a general anesthetic.
[ PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT BUSH ]
Rex was accompanied to the hospital by Vice President George Bush, who stood by in case of an emergency, requiring the standard transference of power in such situations.
[ BLURRY PHOTO OF GEORGE HAMILTON ]
Biblical archaeologists working in the Sudan this week, uncovered what they believe to by the uncovered shroud of George Hamiltons tan. A spokesman for the Our Lady of Our Band of Soleil said that the authentication process will take place in late February near the poolside of the MGM Grand.
[ PHOTO OF JOHN ASTIN & PATTY DUKE ]
Patty Duke, recently divorced from John Gomez Astin, was remarried this week. The actress, who won an Oscar for her performance in The Miracle Worker — [ PHOTO OF LURCH FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY ] exchanged vows with Lurch in a private ceremony.
[ THE MATHEMATICAL (PI) SYMBOL ]
Tonights winning lottery number is Pi.
[ Audience goes in uproarious laughter. ]
I like that one, too. If you have a ticket with Pi, and it figures out to infinity, bring it on down! Because we pay out to 3.14 to 6-1. Okay?
The New England Association of Summer Camps predicts next summers most popular camp song will be Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger-Jingleheimerschmidt.
Heres the holiday schedule in observation of Martin Luther King Jr. birthday. The following will be closed: government offices, post offices, libraries, schools, banks, parts of Palm Beach, Florida and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
A bus crashed in Ecuador today, leaving 30,000 dead, 15,000 injured and 200,000 homeless.
For a printed transcript of the preceding joke, send three dollars to:
The Preceding Joke Saturday Night Live Washington, D.C. 20001
Dennis Miller: Well listen, folks! Thats the news & I am outta here! Good night ladies and gentlemen!
[ open on a crowd people chanting “We Want Herb!!” at a press conference ]
Dennis Miller: We’re here, live, at New York’s Sheraton Center for a press conference, called by Burger King, where the legendary Herb will make his first public appearance. There’s an air of excitement here, as we all wait for Herb – yes, the mysterious Herb, the only man in America who’s never had a Burger King Whopper. Here he comes.. let’s watch!
[ Herb is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Burger King officals, who hand him a microphone ]
[ SUPER: “Herb” ]
Herb: Hello, my name is Herb. I have asked for the opportunity to address you toda,y so that I can set the record straight as to why I have never had a Burger King Whopper.
[ reads text ]
“About 12 years ago, I made my first visit ever to a fast food restaurant, in this case, a competitor of Burger King. I had been playing basketball all morning, and had worked up quite an appetite, so I ordered a large Coke, fries, and a special cheeseburger. I had no problem with the fries or the Coke, but when I bit into the cheeseburger, my body went into a severe state of anaflectic shock; an extreme allergic reaction to the glue, which this particular fast food chain used to hold its hamburgers together during lengthy cross-country shipping. When I awoke in the hospital several hours later, I was informed by the doctors that I would be confined to a wheelchair, probably for life. Ever since that experience, I have felt uncomfortable about eating at any fast food restaurant, and have suffered from a phobia, probably unwarranted, that my first bite of a Whopper might prove fatal. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I have never had a Burger King Whopper. I wish to stress that I bear the fast food industry no ill will for what has happened to me. I have the highest regard for the Burger King Corporation, and understand that Burger King is involved in many worthwhile civic projects. I do ask, however, that in the name of simple decency, that I be spared the incessant negative publicity and invasion of my privacy, which their advertising campaign has generated, and that I be allowed to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Taht is all I have to say, thank you for listening.
[ camera pans out across the reporters, as Herb is wheeled away ]
Dennis Miller: Well, uh.. there you have it folks.. Herb. The only man in America who hs never had a.. Burger King Whopper. [ a note is handed to Dennis ] Well, this just in.. [ reads note ] Well, here’s some good news – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
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