For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 18th, 1986
Harry Dean Stanton
Dream Academy
The Replacements
Sam Kinison
The Replacements, “Bastards of the Young”
(Repeat) See: 11/23/85.
Recurring Characters: Latoya Marie.
Cabrini Green Meets the Gifted Wrapper
Cabrini Green … Danitra Vance
The Gifted Wrapper … Damon Wayons
[Gift wrapping counter at a department store. Asatisfied customer receives a wrapped package from theguy behind the counter and exits just as CabriniGreen, the oft-pregnant teen, arrives with an item ofher own.]
Cabrini Green: Uh, could you wrap this presentfor me, please?
[The guy behind the counter raps as he wraps — andCabrini answers with raps of her own:]
The Gifted Wrapper:
Well, say no more
You’re on the right floor
An’ I’m ‘a give you more
Than you bargained for
See, I’m the Gifted Rapper and this is what I do
I wrap your package while I rhyme to you
This is my job all year around
And when I’m not doin’ this, I’m out on the town
See, I started as a deejay, playin’ funky songs
Then I got another job to fall back on
Cabrini Green:
Oh, hey, young man, your rap is really good
And I don’t want to be misunderstood
But could you wrap it?
Just wrap it!
Just take the tape and just wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper:
Chill out, Miss Lady, and check out this
‘Cuz this here rhyme is on your shoppin’ list
All this crazy buyin’ only makes me fear
That people only love each other once ayear
Cabrini Green:
Hey, homeboy, I really gotta say
You rappin’ wrapper, just wrap away
Just wrap it!
Just wrap it!
Just wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper:
You shouldn’t wait till Christmas to think about yourfriend
‘Cuz, December twenty-fourth, his life could end
Some Christmas spendin’ money you ain’t got
Tryin’ to play big shot
Yeah! Ha ha ha!
Cabrini Green:
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
The Gifted Wrapper:
But, if you promise me this: You keep my words inmind
The next time you come, I’ll spare you therhyme
Cabrini Green:
Ho ho ho! I hear what you say
I won’t save the love for only Christmasday
The Gifted Wrapper:
‘Cuz every day is special when you love each otherright
Cabrini Green and The Gifted Wrapper: [into thecamera]
So, live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!
Submitted Anonymously
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
… Dennis Miller
Mr. X … Don Novello
[TEASER:]
[SUPER: COMING UP NEXT – Video of an airport employeecarrying a blue suitcase — a zealous dog hangs fromthe luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seenwrestling the suitcase on the ground.]
Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: theReagans get a new dog! …
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
[A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky,holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER:WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]
Music Intro: Theme from TV series”Bonanza”
Don Pardo V/O: Now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusuallysedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his penciland sheaf of news bulletins.]
Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all.You’re having my baby.
Tonight’s top story– Well, Paul Castellano was let goby the parent company earlier this week. Anonymoussources cite creative differences as the reason forthe abrupt dismissal which took place at curb leveloutside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan’s EastSide. That’s the Spark Steak House where beef is thespecialty of the house but, occasionally you’ll hearthe word “duck” bandied about. …
Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there’sno such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind ofguy you want in the White House, huh? …
We’ll have more on this Mafia story later in thenewscast.
That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit asnag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billiondollar check saying they didn’t know NBC was cancelingRobert Blake’s “Helltown” series. … GE says, “NoHelltown, no deal, no six billion dollars.”…
Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Updatepoll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all acrossthe country, “What’s the deal?” Fifty-two percent of’em said they didn’t know what the deal was.Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase thequestion. And four percent thought we were talking tothe person in back of them. …
Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel mayhave caused the power outage that cut off electricityto over two hundred thousand homes last night.[Doctored photo of a tree full of electricalappliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in toomany appliances at the same time … tripping circuitbreakers throughout the state. No charges have beenfiled against the squirrel because, after all, comeon, he IS a squirrel. …
Doctors conclusively proved today that television starLeonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock…. The report was completed after extensive physicaltests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy’s poetry. …Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr.Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next “StarTrek” film. The character of Spock, however, willappear in the film portrayed by ABC News White Housecorrespondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos ofLeonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like SamDonaldson] … [cheers and applause, Dennis runs hishand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam’swork.
The National Board of Education’s “Write the Script toRocky IV Before You See the Movie” contest had to becanceled this week when seventeen hundred andfifty-two entries tied for first place … correctlyduplicating the written screenplay right down to thelast comma.
A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has justlearned of the passing of one of our nation’s greatestpresidents — George Washington. Once again, GeorgeWashington, dead, in 1799. …
Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing,we here at Weekend Update have come across a personwho has links to the underworld who wishes to be aninformant. We have promised him that we would protecthis identity by covering his eyes and we will refer tohim only as “Mr. X.” [turns to a mustachioed Italianman seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understandthat–
Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That – that isnot-a my real name, Mr. X. It’s just a disguise name.
Dennis Miller: Mm hm.
Mr. X: I don’t even have an X in my name.
Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] Weunderstand that and we also understand you have astatement you wish to make.
Mr. X: That’s right. I would like to make astatement. … [A small black rectangle issuperimposed over Mr. X’s eyes but fails to concealhis identity as, almost every time he moves his headslightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout thesketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X’seyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] “Lastyear, upon the graduation with honors, almost, fromthe Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-athe Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as atrainee for three hundred dollars a week. But theydidn’t pay me that much. They said they would but theydidn’t do it. And they said I would be Mafioso traineebut they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And otherjobs worse-a than that. And I’m a graduate of theMafia Training School!”
Dennis Miller: That’s it? That’s–? That’s allyou have to say? Just that? That they didn’t pay youenough for–?
Mr. X: They did – They did pay me three hundreddollars — for one week. But then they loweredmy salary. They gave me less just because of onelittle mistake. So that was it. One littlemistake.
Dennis Miller: Well, what was themistake?
Mr. X: Well, I took a– First-a job they gaveme was as a chauffeur. And it wasn’t -was not achauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for hiswife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodgemeeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she wouldbe one hour — one hour only, that’s it. I waited formore than an hour. I went for just a cup o’ coffee.You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. Allof the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go homeand tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife.Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn’t know whathappened.
Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean,what happened?
Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home.She left without me! That’s what-a she did. She said Ididn’t wait for her. She didn’t wait for ME!
Dennis Miller: I’ll bet you Don Tartuffe wasmad.
Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Wasunbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He justlooks at me, he says, “What time do you get to workin-a the morning?” I said, “Oh, ten, ten-thirty,eleven o’clock,” you know, right in there. He says tome, “Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o’clock. And,”he says to me, “And — wear old clothes.” They made meassistant for the gardener! And then he made me cleanout his garage and I’m a graduate of the MafiaTraining School. That’s what-a they did to me.
Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That’s it? Ithought you were gonna name names here.
Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face.I name him by name. He’s the right hand of DonTartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgiothe Face.
Dennis Miller: [can’t find his pencil rightaway] Mafia stole my pen. What – what about him? Didyou – did you see him commit any crime? Did he dosomethin’?
Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times,two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And,another time, he hollers at me in front of all of theother men and everything, he hollers at me.
Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don’t thinkthese people are terribly interested in your personalproblems. I mean, come on, how’s about this recentmurder? Do you know anything about that?
Mr. X: I seen it.
Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness?You were there?
Mr. X: No, I wasn’t there. I seen it ontelevision. It was on all of the stations. All ofthe– And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I namehim by name — Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Putthat down.
Dennis Miller: Koppel with a “K,” right, hm?Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. Ithought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybeyou know why he was killed, huh?
Mr. X: Why?
Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.
Mr. X: Sure, I know why.
Dennis Miller: Well, what’s the story?
Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody wasmad and then they shoot him. That’s what itwas.
Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X.I’m sure we all feel a little more informed on thepressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!
Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio theFace.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!
[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]
Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fountof Mafia information.
This just in: Godot finally showed up. … He was rudeand we asked him to leave. …
Well, that’s the news. And guess what? I’m out o’here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you verymuch.
[Cheers, applause and John Williams’ theme from the1978 movie “Superman” as we pull back and fadeaway.]
Submitted Anonymously
Penn and Teller
… Penn Gillette
… Teller
Teri Garr: [still wearing her fur-trimmed redbikini top from the previous sketch] Ladies andgentlemen, Penn and Teller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to illusionistsPenn and Teller in front of a corrugated metal wall.Teller, a small man who seldom speaks, is strappedinto what appears to be an electric chair. Penn, atall man in gray suit, stands nearby. Also visible isa poster of the chair labeled, AMAZING ELECTRIC BOYand ADDICTED TO AC?]
Penn Gillette: Good evening! We are Penn andTeller. My name is Penn Gillette and this is mypartner Teller. [Teller waves a hand to the crowd buthis wrists are strapped to the chair] Also known asthe Incredible Electric Boy! You’ve seen him onnational television, you’ve read about him in theGuinness Book of World Records. Teller, the AmazingElectric Boy, an incredible medical oddity that isalso educational. Doctors, nurses and medical studentswith picture I.D. admitted free!
Eighteen years ago, before Teller was internationallyknown as the Incredible Electric Boy, cute littleTeller was playing in a tree — in the biggest tree inBucks County, Pennsylvania, during a thunderstorm,with keys in his pocket and a five-iron in hisup-stretched right hand! The golf club, being thehighest point in Pennsylvania, was struck bylightning, sending an estimated one hundred andtwenty-three million volts of electricity through thegolf club, through the Electric Boy’s body and throughthe tree, in its frantic search for ground! The golfclub was completely destroyed! [holds up a charred,bent club] The tree was completely destroyed! [holdsup purported X-ray of Teller’s thigh] The keys werepermanently wedged into Teller’s upper thigh andTeller became known as the medical oddity we know asthe Incredible Electric Boy! Wherever you are, falldown on your knees right now and thank the Almightythat YOU were not holding a five-iron over your headin Bucks County on three-oh-four p.m., Augustseventeenth, 1967!
While you’re down there on your knees, also givethanks that during– due to the miracles of modernmedical science, Teller has been able to live a fairlynormal, although personally empty, life! With a veryfew exceptions, Teller’s been denied physical contactwith would-be friends and lovers for fear that onecaress or handshake would spell DEATH to the veryperson he was trying to learn to love! Having becomean AC addict, his lonely life is also tethered to thelength of the available extension cords to the nearestoutlet!
And now — avoiding the spirit of morbidsensationalism and only in the name of the advancementof science — we bring you Teller, the Electric Boy, aliving human oddity! [off a generator next to thechair] This device right here keeps Teller’s brainfunctions and body functions operating at a slowcrawl. I will now turn them up and demonstrate whatGod in His quirky wisdom has chosen to bestow on thisnondescript vessel. [turns up the juice, meters on thegenerator inch upward] He now has four hundred andtwelve volts at seventeen amps coursing through hissystem. This is enough raw electrical power to killsix two hundred pound men, providing they’re standingbarefooted in water, holding hands.
[carries long thin bulb to a woman in the crowd] Iwill now take this perfectly normal, standard GEfluorescent light bulb. Ma’am, would you stand uphere, from the audience? [hands her the bulb] Wouldyou look at this light bulb? Are there any wireshitched to it in any way? Are there any battery packs?[guides woman on stage] Would you come up here, nearTeller, the Incredible Electric Boy and, please,without touching his body with your flesh, touch thelight bulb to him — and watch the electrons getexcited! Bring it right down there, ma’am. There’s nodanger to you at all. [Woman lowers bulb to Teller’sarm] That’s right. Bring her right over here. [thebulb lights up] Okay, now, you’re supplying theground, ma’am. Bring it in closer. Look at this. Now,move a little bit closer there, then move away. Slideit across him, ma’am. Jeez O’Crow, you could read bythat sucker! [takes bulb, to woman] Thank you verymuch! Go away!
[Applause for woman who retreats to her seat. Penncranks up the generator.]
And now, we turn up the voltage and, through thewonders of fully insulated rubber insole boots [tapsboot] and nerves of steel, we will present this livingreligious tableau entitled “God Giving Life to Adam”!I play the part o’ God. This is great. [Penn toucheshis index finger to Teller’s wrist – sparks fly] Whoa,ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay! [Penn cranks up the voltageagain – by now, Teller is shaking] We turn up a littlebit more and we see — a little bit more right here –that electricity’s older sister, fire, is also givenbirth by the Amazing Electric Boy. [touches the end ofa fire-eater’s torch to Teller’s wrist, the torchignites] Goodness gracious, look at that, will ya?
[Penn, a talented fire-eater, tilts his head back andswallows the flame, crowd applauds. Meanwhile,Teller’s eyes are bugging out and he tremblesviolently.]
Teller! [laughs at Teller] I think – I think you’reoverplaying it a little bit, Teller. Just put it downa bit. [Teller stops shaking and stares at Penn,offended.] I don’t mean to drop it entirely but, see,the thing is, when you play it up like that, you dothe whole shaking thing, it looks like a SaturdayNight Live sketch. It doesn’t look like you’ve reallygot the volts going through ya, you know? [Upset,Teller rises and crosses his arms — the leatherstraps around his wrists and neck were not reallykeeping him in the chair.] Now, I wanted to say. Now,let me just tell ya– Let me try it this way, Teller.[to the crowd] Ma’am? If I had just said it was onepoint seven megahertz at seven hundred fiftymilli-amps — that’s the real amount, and it’s onlycomin’ off this plate here. [indicates a plate in thearm of the chair, talks to Teller] If we try to sellit as real instead of doin’ that whole bug-out eyething like it was some sort of big deal, man– I mean,the way we did it, you know, we could’ve gotten RandyQuaid and Terry Sweeney, you know. And he prob’ly -prob’ly’d done it in drag and get some laughs, yaknow?
[Teller takes off his straps and throws them downangrily] Now, just cool out, man. I don’t mean to getall panty-bunched, I’m tellin’ ya that, uh, that it’snot that big a deal. We shoulda played it for real,man. Magic does not work on TV. [Teller gestures forPenn to sit in the chair] Now, now, Teller’s tryin’ topoint out that, it is – it is a good-sized tingle,man. [to Teller] Now, just sit down in the chair andwe’ll do– [to the crowd] We had this great finish,the Peace on Earth Goodwill toward Men Living ElectricChristmas Tree. [to Teller] Now, go ahead–
[But Teller pulls out a larger leather neck strap forPenn and snaps it noisily, gestures for Penn to sit inthe chair.]
Okay, man, sure, sure. Turn it down. [turns down thegenerator] You want me to do that, huh? Okay.[explains to the crowd] I have not run through hisbefore but I’m sure it’s not that bad. It’s a littlebit of a tingle. [Penn removes his jacket, to Teller]I’ll do it, man. Okay? [to bandleader Howard Shore]Hit it, Howard!
[The SNL band plays mellow version of “O ChristmasTree” as Penn climbs cautiously into the chair andTeller straps him down.]
[to the crowd] If this would have been Teller, then Iwould have had lines to cover this whole thing but–[Teller hangs a bundle of blue fluorescent light bulbsaround Penn’s neck.] These are just fluorescent tubes,here. They’re not gonna hurt that much, I don’timagine. [Teller cranks up the generator, the bulbslight up, Penn reacts] Whooo! [Penn laughs nervously,trembles] It’s a little bit of a tingle. It’s not –not bad at all. [Teller puts a candy cane-shaped bulbin Penn’s hand — it promptly glows] And this is thecandy cane, symbolizing, I suppose, food for everybodyon Christmas. There’s definitely a feel to this.[Teller hands Penn a green wreath-shaped bulb whichglows and tries to stick a star-shaped bulb on Penn’shead. As he does so, he flips the long fluorescentbundle to reveal MERRY XMAS printed on itsback.]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Applause. Teller waves gleefully to the crowd. Penncontinues to shake as we fade out.]
Submitted Anonymously
A Roy Orbison Christmas
Roy Orbison … Randy Quaid
Clamdigger … Terry Sweeney
Clamdigger … Robert Downey, Jr.
Connie Stevens … Teri Garr
Leslie Uggams … Danitra Vance
Don Adams … Jon Lovitz
Edd “Kookie” Byrnes … Anthony Michael Hall
[Announcer Don Pardo reads a text that rolls by on adark screen.]
Don Pardo V/O: Ten days ago, the GeneralElectric Company bought RCA, the parent company ofNBC. We at Saturday Night Live applaud this bold,wily, tactical maneuver, which places us under thegrip of an even more efficient managerial team. In aneffort to bring down production costs, GE has orderedthe network to broadcast all previously unairedprogramming by the end of the fiscal year. Thefollowing is from a 1965 Christmas special which waspre-empted by network reports of Hurricane Louise. Sowe now join the last six minutes of “A Roy OrbisonChristmas.”
[Before Pardo can finish, we hear Roy Orbison’sclassic growl and hear the singer’s signature tune”Pretty Woman.” We dissolve to the set of theChristmas special where Roy, in his usual black suitand sunglasses, and his band perform the end of thesong:]
Roy Orbison and his band: [singing]
Pretty woman, don’t walk on by
Pretty woman, don’t make me cry
Pretty woman, don’t walk away, hey
Okay
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
We’ll meet tomorrow night, but wait!
What do I see?
Is she walking back to me?
Yeah, she’s walking back to me
Oh, oh, pretty woman
[Cheers and applause as the song ends.]
Roy Orbison: [Southern accent] Mercy! Mercy!Thank you. Merry Christmas! You know, as I said aboutfifty-four minutes ago when I opened this Christmasspecial, Christmas is for family and friends and hereare some good friends of the entire Orbison family –Connie Stevens and the Clamdiggers!
[Applause. The band plays. The Clamdiggers, foursurfer dudes in psychedelic beach attire, run in andsing “Santa’s Little Surfer Girl” as ’60s pop starletConnie Stevens, an energetic blonde in fur-trimmed redbikini top, gold lame hula skirt and white boots,joins them and go-go dances to the beat, occasionallychiming in on a line or two:]
Clamdiggers:
There’s a cat up north they call Saint Nick
He’s got some crazy little helpers and one of them’s achick
She rides his sleigh only once a year
Spreading Christmas cheer
She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Guys and gals come from miles around
Come to hear her surfin’ Santa sound
Well, she can hang a stocking but she’s hangingten
She’s hipper than the Three Wise Men
She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
[As the band’s saxophonist solos, the Clamdiggersgroove in the background and sing Beach Boy-stylefalsetto harmonies as Connie brings out a surfboardand pretends to go surfing — a cheesy Chroma-Keyscreen lowers from above with stock footage of aboat’s wake to give the unconvincing illusion thatshe’s really out on the water.]
Clamdiggers:
Surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
[Cheers and applause as the song ends, the screen israised, and Roy joins his guests on stage.]
Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Connie. [Connieand the Clamdiggers exit, Roy growls at her as shegoes, then turns to the camera] You know, when ouroriginal sponsor found out that my next guest, LeslieUggams, is a Negro, they pulled out. So I really wannaexpress my gratitude to the good people at LuckyStrikes for steppin’ in at the last minute. Here, witha dramatic reading, Miss Leslie Uggams.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to the elegantyoung singer-actress Leslie Uggams, seated in aspotlight, holding a letter.]
Leslie Uggams: Christmas is a time when weshould think of those who cannot be with theirfamilies. I have a letter here from a young man in amental institution. … He writes: [reads, sombermusic under] “What is insanity? Is it dreaming dreamsthat others dare not dream to dream? Is it wanting aworld so rich in love that your heart despairs whenothers call your dreams madness? … Is it believingthat you are the conduit through which the ghosts ofslaughtered soldiers … [must rotate the letter inorder to follow the deranged scribblings of theauthor] … scream out from their graves seekingrevenge on the tiny little men who sent them there?’Bow-wow,’ says Blinky the Space Dog.” … [folds upthe letter] Then it becomes totally unintelligible….
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Roy and theband.]
Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Leslie! MerryChristmas! And that’s the end of our show. [band plays”Jingle Bell Rock” under] I’d like to thank my guests,Miss Connie Stevens. [applause for Connie who entersand kisses Roy] Ah, merry Christmas. And also GetSmart’s Don Adams!
Don Adams: [enters, dressed as Maxwell Smart]Roy, would you believe I had a great time?Merry Christmas, Roy!
Roy Orbison: Thank you, Don. Also, Miss LeslieUggams, my special guest!
Leslie Uggams: [enters, careful not to touchany white boys] Merry Christmas, Roy!
Roy Orbison: Thank you, thank you. MerryChristmas! And Edd “Kookie” Byrnes! Thank you,Edd!
Edd “Kookie” Byrnes: [the teen idol star ofTV’s “77 Sunset Strip” enters] Merry Christmas, Roy![combs his hair as teen girls scream]
Roy Orbison: Thank you. And merry Christmas toeach and everyone of you. Let’s take it onhome.
[The Clamdiggers join Roy and his guests as everyonelines up across the stage and sings a shortenedversion of “Jingle Bell Rock”:]
All: [singing]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air
What a bright time
It’s the right time
To dance the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go ridin’ in a one-horse sleigh
Giddy-up, jingle horse
Pick up your feet
Jingle around–
[Over the song, the credits roll:
Produced by
BOB FINKEL
Directed by
STAN HARRIS
Choreographer
HUGH LAMBERT
Written by
BUZ KOHAN
Musical Director
JACK ELLIOTT
Art Director
GENE McAVOY
All of these names, incidentally, are of real peoplewho worked on similar TV music-variety specials in the1960s and ’70s. Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 21st, 1985
Teri Garr
Dream Academy
The Cult
Penn & Teller
Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
(Repeat) See: 11/09/85.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 5
The Stand-Ups
Paul…..Tom Hanks
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans
FADE IN:
INT. CAROLS COMEDY CLUB BACKSTAGE NIGHT
[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]
Paul (V/O): So, hows he doing?
Bob: Good.
[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]
Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?
Bob: I mean theyre not made in France!
Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!
Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!
Paul: Me, too!!
Bob: Hey! Why dont we just call it kitchen toast!?
Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — whats the big deal with French bread!?
Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?
Paul: Hey! Its the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!
[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]
Bob: Hey! Its Keith!
Paul: Keith!
Keith: Hey! Hows everybody doing tonight!?
Bob: Okay!
Paul: Thats right!
Keith: Its great to be here!
Bob: Hey!
Paul: Hey! Great! So excuse me, everybody? Hey! Im going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?
Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!
Bob: So, Keith! Babe! Whats new!?
Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, I left L.A. at 12 oclock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, its 8PM! I mean, hey, Where did those 3 hours go! I dont know about you, but I gotta wonder!
Paul: Hey!
Keith: Paul!?
[ Pauls holding a quart of milk. ]
Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this 99% fat-free milk! Wheres the other one percent!? I mean, hey back to your story!
[ Paul goes away. ]
Keith: So, what Im wondering is if I lost three hours, why did I go!!
Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?
Keith: What if I cant fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, Id be a little kid!
[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]
Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? Hes in the hospital.
Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?
Paul: Yeah! It seems hes got something wrong with his kidney!
Bob: Oh, hey! Thats too bad!
Keith: Yeah! Thats a real shame!
Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, Whats the matter!?
[ Pauls silent for a moment. ]
Paul: Hey! Whats the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, Whats the big deal!? You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? Thats bare skin on leather!
Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!
Keith: Hey! How bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, Where does it come from!?
Bob: Hey! Maybe its just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lints the same color as the missing sock!?
Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe thats why they cling on you!?
Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?
[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]
Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like youre up! And hey, hot crowd!
Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!
Keith: Hey! Break a leg!
Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!
Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you dont mind!? Im going to use that French Toast bit!
Paul: Hey!
[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]
Bob: Hey!
Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! Thats my bit!
Keith: Hey! Thats his closing bit!
Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!
Keith: Hey!
Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!
[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Tom Hank’s Monologue
…..Tom Hanks
Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Hanks!
[Tom walks out, causing much audience applause]
Tom Hanks: Thanks so much for coming to the show. This, this really is a dream come true for me, because, like, like many of you, I was a child of the 70’s, and watching the show was just a ritualistic part of life. I was back in college you know, and every Saturday night I’d watch the show and I’d sit there and think, “Someday. Someday, I’m gonna watch this show on my own TV”. And, uh, about six years later that dream came true. Then, the next dream was to be here, be part of the studio audience, be part of the show. But, I didn’t live in New York, and I couldn’t afford to fly up. There was also a problem – they said I killed a guy, they wouldn’t allow me to stay. It was a little mix-up, got all taken care of.
Well, now I’m hosting the show, and I gotta admit, it’s, um, a little disappointing, mainly because I’d really like to be able to watch myself doing the show live. Now, I’ve got a VCR at home, I got myself on plenty of video tapes, many of them standing up, most of them with my clothes on, uh, but it’s just, uh, it’s just not the same —
[Notices a monitor offstage and walks over to it, and begins watching himself doing the show live]
Yeah, that’s great! Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m uh Tom Hanks, maybe you saw me in “Splash”?
[Moves so that the camera can get the monitor to show him watching the camera watching the camera, watching the camera, so that shots of the scene are on each monitor on the monitor’s screen]
This really isn’t makin’ it, does anyone have a mirror, like a makeup mirror?
[Goes to a woman in the audience and takes her purse, and gets a small mirror out of it]
Ah, I’ve seen all that stuff before, thank you, I’ll give this right back
[Heads back to the monitor, and stands next to it while watching himself in the mirror]
Oh yeah, that’s me!
[Singing]
“It’s an invitation, across the nation!”
Yeah, this really is a dream come true!
[Singing again]
“A chance for foes to meet!”
We got Sade, Steven Wright, thanks for comin’, we’ll be right back!
[Continues singing as the camera pans out].
Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 5
Steve’s Fantasy
Steve…..Tom Hanks
Molly…..Joan Cusack
Kathy…..Nora Dunn
Waiter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT NIGHT
[ STEVE & MOLLY have their arms locked, sipping from each others wine glass. After sipping, they smile at one another. KATHY THE WAITRESS brings two entrees in her hand. ]
Kathy: Steve, your steak aupoi.
[ Kathy places Steves plate before him. ]
Steve: Oh, thank you.
Kathy: And Molly, your duck ala ronge.
[ Kathy places Mollys plate before her. ]
Molly: Oh, thank you, Kathy, so much.
Steve: Yes, yes, it looks delicious!
Kathy: Well happy anniversary!
Steve: Aww! Thank you.
Molly: Thats very nice.
[ Kathy moves to another table. Molly caresses Steves left shoulder. Steves looking at the back of Kathys thighs. ]
Molly: Oh I can tell shes your type.
[ Steve guffaws for a beat or two. ]
Steve: Oh, honey, you knew I always was a leg man. Just something about the back of a womans leg, just below the knee that makes me —
[ Steve convulses in excitement. ]
Molly: I know. Well, well youve always been quirky that way.
Steve: Well, well, you should just know about very quirk there is to know about me.
Molly: And how
[ Steve cocks his head high. ]
Steve: Um, excuse me!?
[ A WAITER ENTERS. ]
Steve: Could I have a steak knife please?
[ The waiter nods. ]
Waiter: Yes, sir! Right away!
Molly: You know Steve whats wonderful about us is after eight years, besides being in love, were really best friends.
Steve: Yeah and that is so rare. I think its because we know each other so well.
Molly: Exactly. I dont think theres anything in your inner most thoughts that could surprise or shock me because we know each other so well.
[ Steve drinking wine and holds his breath for a few moments. ]
Steve: Well heres something. I, I, I dont know why Im bringing it up. Oh, its silly. No, I really shouldnt.
Molly: No, no, no. Cmon, what is it?
[ Steve & Molly both sip wine. ]
Steve: Why not!? I sometimes have this fantasy that you die.
Molly: Really?
[ Steve sips some more wine. ]
Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Molly: Gosh that, thats kind of quirky. How, uh, how exactly do I die?
Steve: Well I dont know. Sometimes I think I think it would be sadder if you suffered a long, lingering death. Then other times, you go like that!
[ Steve snaps his fingers. ]
Steve: Youre walking by a construction site and big crane falls on you or something. Everyone would come to the funeral. See me with little Jason & Jennifer and think, Poor Steve.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Steve: How your sister comes down from Vermont to look after the kids? But I dont think thats right for her. Deidres always had a life of her own and never liked the city anyway. The only solution though is one of those 18-19 year-old au pair girls from Sweden. Yeah one of those girls who would jump at any opportunity to spend a year or two in America. She comes over, takes care of the kids, and my career progresses along smoothly.
[ Steve sips some wine. ]
Molly: Does she cook!?
Steve: Oh, sure! Great cook!
Molly: What does she cook?
Steve: Spetzel. Its a special noodle, kind of dumpling thing. Oh, the kids love it! You should see them —
[ Steve bangs his utensils on the table. ]
Steve: More spetzel! More spetzel! Then there, of course, would be the inevitable attraction between me and Uli. We fight it for as long as we can, of course. But then, one night, Jason has the croup. And Ulis sitting up with him and I come and set up the steam tent, and then Jason falls asleep. I dont know Its just becomes silly ignoring these feelings. We make love and it changes everything.
The kids notice it, everything becomes awkward, and it would just be better if Uli left. Through my connections at the office, I get her started on a very, lucrative modeling career then I meet all her modeling friends. They come over to the house and they see little Jason & Jennifer. And they see you picture up on the mantle and they think, Poor Steve.
[ Steve gets lost in thought and then gulps a large taste of wine. Molly stares vacantly at him. ]
Molly: You know, Steve Youve clearly done a lot of thinking about this.
Steve: No Oh, cmon! You know Im too busy to sit around and think whatd be like if you died. Well maybe on the train on the way to work in the morning and on the way home at night. And maybe, when someone puts me on hold at the office, but its not like I suit around going, Okay, now Im going to imagine whatd be like if Molly was dead. Cmon! You know I want you to live out your natural life. Cmon, Im surprised youre taking it like this — I thought we were friends.
Molly: I think Im reacting perfectly normally.
Steve: Honey, you are so sensitive. Okay, here, tell me, something anything. Dont you sometimes think of another man when were making love?
Molly: No.
Steve: Oh, come on, Mol - everybody does it!
Molly: I dont.
Steve: Really!?!?
Molly: Im perfectly happy sleeping with you.
Steve: Huh
Molly: Why? Do you sometimes fantasize about other women when were in bed?
Steve: Sometimes
Molly: Who?
Steve: I dont know Deidre.
Molly: My sister!?!?
Steve: Well, she looks like you!
Molly: Oh, honey!! I cant believe this!
[ Molly gets up from the table and Steve grabs her hand to prevent her from leaving. The waiter returns wielding a steak knife in his hand. ]
Waiter: Heres you steak knife, sir.
[ Molly runs right into the knife. Steve gets up from his seat as Molly falls to the ground. ]
Waiter: Ive stabbed her!
[ Steve holds Mollys body in his hands on the floor. ]
Waiter: Shes dead! Im sorry — its my first night.
[ The waiter wails. ]
Kathy: What happened?
Steve: This is terrible. I feel responsible. If only I hadnt
[ Steve and Kathys eyes lock. ]
Kathy: Poor Steve
[ Steve turns his head away and is frozen in the moment. He jaw drops as he ponders the future. The CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to show other patrons eating; others view Mollys body. The waiters still wailing as a WIDE SHOT of STUDIO 8H shows a camera crane rising higher and other camera operators still filming. ]
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 14th, 1985
Tom Hanks
Sade
Steven Wright
(Repeat) See: 11/16/85.
Recurring Characters: Paul, Keith, Bob.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.