Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Master Thespian

Master Thespian…..Jon Lovitz
Baudelaire…..John Lithgow

Announcer: The early part of the 20th Century produced some of the greatest actors ever to grace the stage – Barrymore, Gelgud, Richardson, Olivier. But.. there was one actor who surpassed them all in both brilliance and volume. Born Jonathon Yankonvichi, he was known to all simply by the name that described him best: Master Thespian.

[ pan across to Master Thespian writing in his diary ]

Master Thespian: “Dear Diary: I am awaiting the arrival of my mentor and acting teacher, the great Baudelaire. Today’s lesson is costumes. Knowing Baudelaire, he will come over and try to fool me in some silly disguise. But today, it will be I who fool him. I hope. Until tomorrow, Master Thespian.” [ a knock is heard at the door ] Yes?

Voice at Door: [ mimicks trumpet fanfare ] Make way for His Royal Highness, King George V!

Master Thespian: One moment! [ jumps up ] Thank God! The King to see me! [ before the door ] Enter all!

Baudelaire: [ enters, disguised as King ] Thank you! I am looking for the greatest actor of all time! The theatrical community of all London told me I might be able to find him.. here!

Master Thespian: Yes, your Majesty! The man you speak of stands before you!

Baudelaire: Ah-ha! Then you must be the great.. Baudelaire!

Master Thespian: [ insulted ] Don’t be silly! I’m Master Thespian. Baudelaire is merely a teacher.

Baudelaire: Merely a teacher?

Master Thespian: Yes! And barely one at that.

Baudelaire: Oh, really? Why don’t you try saying that.. [ removes crown ] ..to his face!

Master Thespian: [ fooled ] Oh! Baudelaire! You fooled me!

Baudelaire: Acting!

Master Thespian: Oh, please, forgive me..

Baudelaire: No!

Master Thespian: But I have questions..

Baudelaire: No!

Master Thespian: Oh, please.. I beg you.. [ kneels ] ..on bended knee, from the very depths of my heart.

Baudelaire: Oh, get up. I have already forgiven you, I was merely.. acting!

Master Thespian: [ fuming ] Again?! You fooled me again!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. what is the Question du Jour?

Master Thespian: Oh, Baudelaire.. I’ve been offered to play the most difficult part of my entire career. I am to play a man trapped in the body of a woman, playing the part of a five-year-old dog who thinks he’s a cat! My question is: what should I do?

Baudelaire: [ thinking tentatively ] Costume!

Master Thespian: Genius!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. have you prepared the fencing scene from Hamlet?

Master Thespian: Yes! [ grabs fencing foils ] Here is your foil.

Baudelaire: Thank you! Very well. You shall play the part of Hamlet! And I shall play the great.. Baudelaire! By the way, you were brilliant in last week’s “Ice Man” as Hickey.

Master Thespian: Oh, thank you. And, may I add, you were equally brilliant as Baudelaire!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now!

[ they begin to fence furiously. Baudelaire staggers backwards as Master Thespian swings his foil near him ]

Baudelaire: [ covering his chest with his hand ] Oh, Master.. M-master, you’ve cut me.. look how the blood gushes from my very veins!

Master Thespian: Oh, please forgive me, it was an accident..

Baudelaire: Don’t be silly! [ opens his jacket to reveal no cut ] Acting!

Master Thespian: Oh, you fooled me!

Baudelaire: Of course I fooled you! I am the greatest actor of all time! I am.. Baudelaire!

Master Thespian: [ thrusts foil ] On guard!

[ they begin fencing again. Suddunly, Master Thespian drops his foil and falls gracefully into Baudelaire’s arms ]

Baudelaire: Master? Are you hurt?

Master Thespian: Oh, Baudleaire, I’m afraid we’ve played this acting thing too far. You’ve made worm’s meat of me! Adieu.. adieu.. remember me. Look! [ points ] The face of death is near! And so.. I flail! [ his legs kick before his body falls limp ]

Baudelaire: Master! [ cries ] I have killed my protege! How.. how.. how.. how will you ever forgive me..?

Master Thespian: [ stands ] Very good! I was merely acting!

Baudelaire: So was I! I’ve fooled you again!

Master Thespian: No! It is I who fooled you! For I am dead.. and merely acting alive!

Baudelaire: Genius!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

John Lithgow’s Monologue

…..John Lithgow

John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thanks so much! Thank you, I am John Lithgow, I want to welcome you all and thank you for helping us out. I’m really delighted ot be here. I got here a few nights ago, got straight off the plane from Los Angeles, went straight into a story conference, and ever sicne then I’ve been caught up in the most craziest, most frantic whirlwind of jokes and gags. These guys are out of their minds, I’m telling you. THey didn’t even give me a chance to get over my jet lag.. but they have been very wonderful in helping me just loosen up, relax, and have a good time in preapring for the show.

First of all, I just want to tell you – please, don’t be disappointed that you’re just our dress rehearsal audience. In fact, you’re doing us a tremendous favor here. You know, you’re just being our crowd, while we work out all the last-minute bugs, and.. who knows, you might be lucky – they tell me, half the time, the dress rehearsal goes ten times better than the real show. I know I’m a lot looser now than I’m gonna be three hours from now, I’ll tell you that. I don’t know, it’s something about live television, knowing that millions and millions of people are watching every little move you make! I mean, to me, this is absolutely terrifying!

I think it kind of takes me back to when I was a little boy.. the first stage play I ever acted in. I was one of the little kids in “The King And I”, and when it came time for my first line, I was so paralyzed with nerves and fear, all I could think of to do was launch into “Getting To Know You” at the top of my lungs. hopefully, that’s not going to happen later on this evening! Anyway, just remember all of you, this is a dress rehearsal. A lot of things are bound to go wrong.. but don’t be too hard on us..

Director’s Voice: John? John?

John Lithgow: Yeah?

Director’s Voice: You’re on the air, John.

John Lithgow: Sorry?

Director’s Voice: You are on the air, John

John Lithgow: [ starts laughing ] What did I tell you about these clowns! This is Dave Wilson, he’s our director. All through the rehearsal, he’s going to be..

Director’s Voice: John, we’re live! You are on the air!

John Lithgow: [ looks at his watch ] Davey, it’s 8:37. I do have a wristwatch, you know?

Director’s Voice: That’s L.A. time!

John Lithgow: [ confused ] What?

Director’s Voice: It’s 8:35 in L.A. It’s 11:35 in New York! You never reset your watch!

John Lithgow: [ glances at his watch again, panics, getting nervous ] Get Lorne Michaels out here, please.. [ slowly starts to sing “Getting To Know You”, then engages the audience to sing along joyously ] Thank you all very much, you’ve been a great audience!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Goodnights

…..John Lithgow

John Lithgow: Well, good night everybody. Thanks for being here. Thanks for watching

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Dad’s Cliches

Dad…..John Lithgow
Daughter…..Joan Cusack

[ SETTING: Dad’s workshop ]

Daughter: Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?

Dad: Oh, just sharpening up this old saw, honey.

Daughter: Dad, do have a minute to talk?

Dad: Honey, I always have time for my little girls. All five of you. What’s on your mind?

Daughter: Well.. it’s about Jeff and me..

Dad: Uh-oh. The honeymoon’s over.

Daughter: Yeah, I’m afraid so.

Dad: So you had a little spat, huh? A little tiff? Scrap? Squabble?

Daughter: Worse, Dad..

Dad: A tussle? A brawl? A knock-down, drag-out?

Daughter: Dad, stop it.

Dad: Right! Cut the bull! Can it! Knock it off!

Daughter: Dad, this is serious. Jeff and I are getting a divorce.

Dad: [ shocked ] Oh. a parting of the ways.

Daughter: I just don’t know what to do. It’s like my life’s turned upside-down.

Dad: Boy, that’s too bad, sweetie. But you did have five good years with Jeff.

Daughter: No, Dad. Jeff and I have been married for six months.Tina‘s been married five years.

Dad: [ laughs ] Oh, right! Boy, I come down into this basement,sometimes, and my mind just zips off to Looney Land! So, whathappened, sweetie?

Daughter: Well..

Dad: Was he drinking? Did he like to hoist a few? Bend an elbow? Tie one on?

Daughter: No, Dad.

Dad: Oh.. then he was slipping out on you, huh? Getting a little on the side? Burning a candle on both ends?

Daughter: No, Jeff was completely faithful, as far as I know.

Dad: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. sounds like a straight arrow, rock solid, salt of the earth kind of a guy.

Daughter: Yeah. I don’t know.. I guess it’s me, really. I have so many feelings pent up inside, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about them.

Dad: That’s what fathers are for, honey. When you’re at the end of your rope.. your back up against the wall.. barely able to keep your head up above water.. going down for the third time..

Daughter: [ frustrated ] Dad! Dad, I’m really upset about this! I.. I can’t sleep anymore!

Dad: Boy! There’s nothing like, you know, hitting the old hay. Sawing some logs.

Daughter: I know.. so I.. I started taking sleeping pills, and..well.. I think I’m addicted..

Dad: Hoo, boy! Honey, that’s a one-way street.. a long road ahead, no turning. That’s a monkey on your back.

Daughter: I know.. and so, Jeff and I haven’t been.. you know.. doing.. [ Dad mimes a thrust ] Yeah! And.. well.. I don’t know.. I don’t think he loves me anymore!

Dad: [ holding his daughter in his arms ] Now, listen to me, honey.. because I’m going to tell you something very, very important – Time sneaks up on you, honey, like a windshield sneaks up on a bug. Night is one long search for tomorrow. You only have one life to live, you’ve got to live it one day at a time. Does that make any sense to you?

Daughter: [ shakes her head ] No. No! It’s like you haven’t heard a word I’ve said!

Dad: [ laughs ] In one ear, out the other, huh? Liketalking into a brick wall! Spitting into the wind!

Daughter: [ upset ] Dad, will you stop it, please! I mean, youhaven’t said real thing to me tonight! Or my whole life, for that matter!

Dad: Well, maybe not, honey, but that’s water over the dam now.. what’s past is past.. that’s yesterday’s news.. four-day-old fish.. twice-cooked pork..

Daughter: [ furious ] Is that what my pain is to you?! One bigcliche?! Don’t you understand what I’m going through here?! I can’t sustain a meaningful relationship! I can’t hold down a full-time job! I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear most of the time! No one understands what I’m going through! It’s like my life is a whirlpool of despair!

Dad: Uh-oh! Somebody’s being a little sad sack! That’s not the little girl that I know. Come on, I know that there’s a smile in there somewhere.. [ points at her feet ] Oh! I think it’s down in your feet.. oh! Here it comes! [ tickles her tummy ] It’s coming up your leg, over your tummy, up your neck.. oh oh oh! [ tickles her face as she smile ] There it is! I knew it was in there!

Daughter: Oh, Dad, you’re really hopeless. But I love you.

Dad: I love you, too, Tina.

Daughter: Debbie.

Dad: That’s it!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

The Ad Council

[ open on Spokesman walking past an electrical plant, dressed in a business suit ]

Spokesman: It takes many things to make this country great, and energy is just one of them. But there was a time when America needed less of its scarce resources..

[ Spokesman walks into a country plain, now wearing a country shirt, bandanna, and jeans. A cowboy riding a horse can be seen behind him. ]

A time when the cowboy and his horse ruled the fertile farmlands and grasslands of these United States. But now those same grasslands are full of..

[ he walks into a wheatfield, wearing a turtleneck, a flannel shirt and green denim ]

..pollen and other irritants. Now some people don’t get hay fever, but those of us who do, need relief. Relief, and security..

[ he walks past a stock exchange, his outfit changes to a three-piece suit, with glasses ]

..Sound, financial security. The kind of security you get..

[ now walks onto a suburban block, outfit changes to a casual suit ]
..from living in a good neighborhood. [ looks up ] Hi, kids! [ his children run up to him, daughter hands him a can of soda ] You know, when I was Tommy’s age, I played little league baseball right over there. [ drinks from can marked “SODA” ] Mmm. That’s cracklin’ good. Let’s go home, kids!

[ they walk towards home ]

Announcer: This message brought to you by The Ad Council. Wasting your time in various ways.. for no good reason.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 7th, 1985

John Lithgow

Mr. Mister

Sam Kinison

None
Halley’s CometSummary: Mad scientist Dr. Federico (John Lithgow) warns President Reagan (Randy Quaid) that Halley’s Comet is going to strike the planet Earth.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Montage

John Lithgow’s MonologueSummary: A nervous John Lithgow sings “Getting To Know You” to cope with being on live television.

Transcript

Where You’re GoingSummary: Self-indulgant yuppies are going straight to Hell.

Note: Repeat from 11/09/85.

Bug Up The ButtSummary: Irritable Bob Danielson (John Lithgow) literally has a bug up his butt.

Master ThespianSummary: Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) ad his mentor Baudelaire (John Lithgow) compete against on another in an acting duel.

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian, Baudelaire.

Transcript

Double R RollsRecurring Characters: Rudy Randolph III, Rudy Randolph, Jr.

Mr. Mister performs “Broken Wings”

The Ad CouncilSummary: With a series of changing backgrounds, the Ad Council is able to completely waste your time following its message.

Transcript

Dad’s ClichesSummary: Debbie’s (Joan Cusack) father (John Lithgow) can only offer cliches in her time of need.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Nancy Reagan’s Showbiz DreamSummary: Nancy Reagan (Terry Sweeney) fantasizes that she’s in Las Vegas performing a rendition of “That Old Black Magic.”

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan, Ronald Reagan.

Sam Kinison

Mutiny on the U.S.S. Cameron

TrojansNote: Repeat from 11/16/85.

Mr. Mister performs “Kyrie”

The Limits Of The ImaginationRecurring Characters: Floating Head.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

Pee Wee’s Tightrope Walk

…..Robert Downey, Jr.
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Danitra Vance
…..Nora Dunn
…..Joan Cusack
…..Anthony Michael Hall
…..Pee Wee Herman

[Opens on the cast staring up at the sky, as Anthony Michael Hall walks by]

Anthony Michael Hall: What’s going on?

Jon Lovitz: Look, it’s Pee Wee Herman. He’s walkin’ on a tightrope between the World Trade Centers!

Nora Dunn: What a great gimmick to open the show!

Robert Downey, Jr.: I tell ya, what a total performer!

[Cuts to Pee Wee balancing himself on a rope]

Pee Wee Herman: Hey you guys, look! Hey, hey, hey, watch this!

[Cuts to a wider shot of Pee Wee spinning around the rope, obviously a toy]

Pee Wee Herman: Heh heh!

[A bird flys by and starts bothering him]

Pee Wee Herman: Hey, hey, shoo, get outta here!

[Cuts to the cast on the ground, looking up and shouting in dismay]

Nora Dunn: I don’t believe it!

[Cuts back to Pee Wee]

Pee Wee Herman: Danger! Danger! No! Get out! Get outta here! [Continues to battle the bird]

[Once again cuts to the dismayed cast on the ground]

Jon Lovitz: Oh my God!

Anthony Michael Hall: He’s falling!

[Cuts to Pee Wee falling through the air]

Pee Wee Herman: AHHH! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[Dissolves to opening montage]

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

The Pathological Liar

…..Pee Wee Herman
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
Guard…..Dan Vitale

FADE IN:

INT. PRISON CELL – NIGHT

A GUARD opens the cell door and throws PEE WEE HERMAN in. TOMMY FLANAGAN sits on his rack.

Pee Wee Herman: You’re throwing me in prison cell with a bunch of hardened criminals!? I tell you – I won’t make it!!

[ Pee Wee sits on his rack. Tommy arises from his. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey! You can’t bring him in here. This is my cell! Yeah, yeah… the warden said I could have it all to myself!

Guard: Shut up, you liar!

[ The guard leaves the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey… I resent that! That guy calling me a liar!? I spent five years in Pathological Liars Anonymous… getting cured… I even took a lie detector test. I had the highest test they’d seen in fiv-ten years. I’m Fla-nag-in. Tommy Flanagan. What’s your name?

[ Tommy extends his hand for Pee Wee to shake. Pee Wee shakes it. ]

Pee Wee Herman: Herman. Pee Wee. So… what are you in for Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, me? I work here… yeah… I just came in to take a nap.

Pee Wee Herman: Well that’s a relief. At least I’m not in here with a bunch of hardened criminals.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh… I am a criminal.

Pee Wee Herman: I don’t get it. How can you be a criminal and work here?

Tommy Flanagan: I don’t know. Oh… it’s because I’ve never been caught. Yeah… that’s it! I’m a car thi—jewel thief… yeah… I stole the Hope – the Crown Jewels.

Pee Wee Herman: I didn’t hear anything about that.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s because they don’t know they’re missing… yeah… so what are you in for? Robbery? Extortion? Murder!?

Pee Wee Herman: Speeding. Yeah… uh… I was uh… speeding away from a bank I robbed.

[ Pee Wee gives a high-pitched laugh. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Bank robber, huh? I was a bank robber when I was a kid… yeah… I was 12 years-old at the time… yeah… I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week! Then on the day of, I was a pickpocket… yeah… that’s it.

Pee Wee Herman: I never robbed a bank when I was a kid. My mom wouldn’t let me, but uh… I trained my dog to do it… yeah… my dog could sit, roll over, and rob banks.

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding?

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… except, uh… then he got run over chasing a Brinks truck.

[ Pee Wee laughs again. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah. I saw that accident. Well… if you ask me, he got what was coming to him. You know, it’s getting hard to where you can’t walk down the streets no more. Why just the other day, I was walking home from robbing… Fort Knox –

Pee Wee Herman: For the fifth time, I suppose.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly. Anyway, I was walking on my way home and all the sudden this man walks up to me and sticks a gun in my face.

Pee Wee Herman: So you killed him!?

Tommy Flanagan: No, no, I… uh… flipped him. Yeah… that’s what I did… and it turned out he was a Russian spy. Yeah… yeah… that’s it. He was the head of the K-G-B.

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah, you know, I think I remember that. I was the Presi – head of the CIA at the time. Yeah!

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding.

Pee Wee Herman: No, no… I wouldn’t kid you. You see, I started out as a regular agent. Then, they promoted me to double agent. Then, I got shipped of to Brazil because I could speak Portuguese so good.

Tommy Flanagan: I speak Portuguese too! When I’m in the mood… yeah! Learned it when I was a minis – bishop! Yeah… That’s what I was… a bishop. Yeah… I was the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I went to Rome you see to convert the Pope and uh… I was kidnapped by…

Pee Wee Herman: Hare Krishnas!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! Yeah! And they got me at the airport, you know… well, they, they tortured me day and night, chanting in my ear, but I wouldn’t talk, you see? So I kept me in a… a…

Pee Wee Herman: Birdcage!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! They kept me for six years… and they used to cut of my head every night so I couldn’t escape!

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… I don’t know how you could stand that! They tried to do that to me when I was the President of Ford Motors… but… but… it nearly drove me batty.

Tommy Flanagan: Well… it was the Bible that saved me. Yeah… it was an… exploding Bible! Yeah… that’s what it was! I threw it into their incense burner and it blew them up! It was raining ponytails for two weeks I tell you! You should have seen them!

[ The guard approaches the cell door. ]

Guard: Alright you two – up on your feet!

[ Pee Wee dashes to the guard and grabs him by his jacket. ]

Pee Wee Herman: I won’t talk I tell you! I want to see my lawyer!

Tommy Flanagan: Don’t worry… the guard’s probably here for me. I’m expecting a pardon from the Governor… yeah…

Guard: A pardon!? What are you nuts!? They don’t give out pardons for jaywalking. Your wife paid your bail – you’re out of here. And you as well, pal. Just watch yourself when you cross the street, next time. C’mon, c’mon.

[ The guard snaps his fingers. Tommy exits the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: How do you like that? My wife paid my bail… yeah… she’s Morgan Fairchild.

[ Pee Wee follows behind Tommy, trying to “one-up” him. The guard closes the door shut. The CAMERA zooms out for a WIDE SHOT of the set in Studio 8H. Various crew members & cameras shuffle around. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

Goodnights

…..Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman: Well! I’ve had a really, really swell time hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, especially working with this young and talented cast – the cool band – everybody here! And we’ve got about thirty seconds left, so, uh – [ looks up at the house band ] do you guys know “Sex Machine”?

[ the audience cheers ]

Hit it!

[ the cast joins Pee Wee on stage; Jon Lovitz makes many attempts to drape a robe around Pee Wee’s back ]

Get up! [ laughs ]
Get up
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine!

You got to have the feeling, sure as you’re born I gotta have the feelingRight on, right on.

Take me to the bridge!

Can I have the bridge?

Take me to the bridge!

I gotta have the bridge!

Hey!
The way I see it
That’s the way it is!
He got the ticket
I got his! [ laughs ]

Stay on the scene, like a sex machine
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine.

Let me hear you say: Pee Wee!
Let me hear you say: Aaaaaaahhhhh!!
Let me hear you say: I know you are! [ laughs ]
But what am I?
Let me hear you say: I love it.
[ laughs ] Why don’t you marry it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

Say No To The Army

Teenager…..Anthony Michael Hall
Friends…..Robert Downey, Jr., Bruce McCulloch

[ open on a group of teenagers driving down the street, most of them drinking, as the last Teenager gives in to the peer pressure ]

Announcer: Sometimes, it’s hard to say no.

[ the Teenager is offered a cigarette, he once again gives in to peer pressure ]

Your friends can pressure you.

[ group of girls walk up to the guys ]

You want to be cool.

You want to be one of the guys.

[ Teeanger’s friends lead him into a building ]

[ Army Recruiter looks at the group of teenagers and smiles, then looks to the other Teeanger ]

But.. when the time comes.. it’s really up to you.

Teeanger: [ panicks and runs ] NOOOO!! NOOOO!! NOOOO!! NOOOO!!

Announcer: Say no. The Army. It’s like playing with a loaded gun.

SNL Transcripts