Flip Wilson: Before we go I’d like to thank our musical guest Stevie Nicks (applause), Joel Hodgeson (more applause). I would also like to take the opportunity to thank these wonderful people here on stage with me for making me feel right at home (turns and starts to thank each castmember–individually. Turns back and addresses the control room) Whenever you’re ready y’all can just fade to black…
(Flip continues to mingle as the theme song starts up)
Don Pardo VO: (as credits roll) This is Don Pardo saying, thank you for tuning in, and thank you for a wonderful year! If I don’t get a chance to do so, Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
And for our Jewish friends–Happy Hannukah!
And for our daredevil friends…lotsa luck!
And for our political friends…Have a Good Election!
And for our musical friends…The Beat Goes On!
And for our West Coast friends..Having a Groovy Space!
Tom Seaver: Well, we’re here at Saturday Night Live, and, as you can, seem it’s coming down pretty hard here. You know, it’s been raining all day, it’s really a mess out there. There’s umpire Ron Luciano, he’s checking the stage. He doesn’t look very happy – of course not. He’s the guy who’s gonna have the final decision on whether or not to cancel the show tonight. Boy, this is really a shame.
I’m Tom Seaver. You know, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for nine years now, and, to the best of my knowledge, this would be the very first time they’ve been cancelled because of rain. And what a shame that would be. We have a capacity crowd here tonight, and they would really be disappointed. Many of them have been waiting all day long – some of them sleeping outside in sleeping bags so they could get tickets.
And, wait a minute, we’ve got a biggie now. Just in case the show is cancelled, NBC does have “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”. We’ve got that standing by. I think Bela Lugosi’s in that one, too.
You can see a few of the members of the cast here on the stage. Timmy up there, and Mary Gross. The Belush-man, Jim Belushi, up at the top. I know these kids would love to get this game in the show, and they’re really gamers. They’re troopers, the show must go on, and that’s what they really believe.
On the stage here, as you can see, it’s still wet. A couple of them here.. Julia’s here and Gary’s here. I know, Gary, you had a great show last week, and I know you’d like to get this one in, ’cause you’re on a roll and things have really been going well for you.
Gary Kroeger: I’m very excited.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Me, too.. yeah.
Tom Seaver: Nice talking to you. [ moves along ] The Smothers Brothers, our hosts. I don’t want to get you wet. I know you would hate to see this one get washed out, wouldn’t you?
Tom Smothers: Oh, we’ve been cancelled so many times before, Tom, I’d just hate to see it happen again.
Tom Seaver: Don’t want it to happen again. You have been cancelled! [ laughs ] Yeah, you’re right! [ moves along ]
Well, we’ve got a couple of chipmunks here, I guess.. Brad and Robin.. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we did get cancelled, I don’t know.. [ moves along ] Pisco! Old buddy Pisco! How you doing, buddy?
Joe Piscopo: How you doing, Tom?
Tom Seaver: I know you feel badly out here, you guys have been in the trenches working hard all week, you must feel pretty disappointed about all this, huh?
Joe Piscopo: Uh, not really, Tom, you know I’ve never seen “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”, you know? I’m looking forward to seeing that, Bela Lugosi’s in that one, you know?
Tom Seaver: I think he is, you’re right. What’s going through your mind right now?
Joe Piscopo: Well, I’d like to kill the guy playing that organ.
Tom Seaver: [ laughs ] I don’t think I’d blame you! [ the rain slows down ] You know what, wait a minute, wait a minute.. Hold on here.. it is. It is letting up! Holy cow, we might get this one in! Look at it! Hey, they’re rolling out the carpet, the crew’s coming out! I think Luciano wants to play this one!
Ron Luciano: [ final call decided ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Bob McCarthy…..Jim Belushi Marcy Ackerman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Bob McCarthy: Hi. I’m Bob McCarthy, and welcome to “Know Your Neighbor”. This week, our Jewish viewers are celebrating Hanukkah. I hope I pronounced that right.
Marcy Ackerman: Yes. you did.
Bob McCarthy: Here to tell us a little more about the holiday is Marcy Ackerman, who’s Vice-President of the local Jewish Woman’s League. Welcome to the show, Marcy.
Marcy Ackerman: Thank you.
Bob McCarthy: So.. Hanukkah. Is sort of like your Christmas, is that it?
Marcy Ackerman: Well, no, actually, they fall at the same time, but, um.. really they’re quite different. If, uh..
Bob McCarthy: So, what you’re saying is.. do you have, like, a tree, or what?
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, no, no, no, no. We call Hanukkah the Festival of Lights.
Bob McCarthy: Right.
Marcy Ackerman: And we celebrate it by lighting a candle every night for eight nights.
Bob McCarthy: I see.
Marcy Ackerman: Now, uh.. the first candle is called the Shama.
Bob McCarthy: Wait. The Shama. Is that right?
Marcy Ackerman: Shamas, that’s right. And the candles are placed in holders just like this. And the holder is called the menorah.
Bob McCarthy: Wait a minute, now.. a menorah?
Marcy Ackerman: Yes.
Bob McCarthy: Hank, you getting a close-up of the menorah? [ laughs ] Menorah! Go ahead.
Marcy Ackerman: Mr. McCarthy, there’s nothing really funny about this.
Bob McCarthy: I’m sorry, honey, I was just thinking about something else.
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, okay.
Bob McCarthy: Boy, this is very fascinating!
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, thank you.. um.. in some Jewish households, it’s traditional to give the children Hanukah gelts.
Bob McCarthy: Gelts?
Marcy Ackerman: Right. Hanukkah gelts. Which is money.
Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Well, there’s a big surprise! Jewish kids getting money! [ laughs ] Blow me over with a feather! [ laughs ]
Marcy Ackerman: Well, actually, um.. Hanukah celebrates a major military victory.
Bob McCarthy: Yeah, okay.
Marcy Ackerman: In 165 B.C., a great Jewish leader named Judah Macabe was..
Bob McCarthy: [ does a spittake ] Wait a minute! Judah Macabe?!
Marcy Ackerman: Yeah.
Bob McCarthy: No, really, that’s his name? Judah Macabe?! Where does he come from, McDonaldLand or something? [ looks offstage ] What do you mean? I’m not being offensive, come on, we’re just talking here! [ to Marcy ] Go ahead.
Marcy Ackerman: Um.. well, anyway..
Bob McCarthy: This is really fascinating, really.
Marcy Ackerman: Well, anyway.. when they got to the temple, there was only enough oil in the lamp to last for one day..
Bob McCarthy: Mmm-hmm..
Marcy Ackerman: ..but the oil lasted for eight days..
Bob McCarthy: Ooohh!
Marcy Ackerman: And, uh.. that’s the miracle of Hanukkah.
Bob McCarthy: What?! That’s the miracle?! I mean, the oil lasted for eight days?! [ laughs ] Come on, you’re kidding me, right?!
Marcy Ackerman: No..
Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Boy, that’s the wimpiest miracle I’ve ever heard in my life! [ looks offstage ] Come on, I’m not being disrepestful, we’re just talking! [ to Marcy ] Come on, come on, come on. Now, you call that a miracle, Marcy?
Marcy Ackerman: Yeah, I..
Bob McCarthy: Look, Marcy, let me ask you a question, alright? Suppose I’m driving down the New Jersey Turnpike, right? My gas gauge is on empty, but I make it 40 miles to the Exxon station, okay? Can I get an eight-day holiday for that?
Marcy Ackerman: [ upset ] Mr. McCarthy..!
Bob McCarthy: Are you gonna say, “Oh, that’s a miracle! The miracle of the gas gauge!” [ laughs ] Come on, can I be frank here? You know what gets me about you Hebrews..?
[ cut abruptly to logo ]
[ cut back to set with Stagehand sitting in for Bob McCarthy ]
Stagehand: Uh.. Bob McCarthy was called away suddenly. I guess that’s all for tonight.. so.. goodnight.
Announcer: A motion picture event. She wrote it, she directed it, she produced it, she stars in it. Barbra Streisand is “Mentl”.
[ turns around to revela Barbra from the front ]
Barbra Streisand: I wrote it! I wrote it, I directed it, I produced it, I starred in it! I played a boy, I played a girl playing a boy! I can do anything! So Dustin Hoffman did “Tootsie”, so what already? I’ve had the idea for five years! I worked hard, I slaved. I don’t need the rights to a musical, I could have done it myself! I don’t need anybody! I don’t need Elliot Gould! I don’t need Jon Peters, I do my own hair! I curl it, I wash it, I comb it, I can do anything! I’m a nice Jewish girl! I studied the Old Testement, I studied the Kabala, I am a nice Jewish girl, what’s so wrong about that!
Announcer: Barbra Streisand. An epic motion picture. Oy, is she “Mentl”!
Barbra Streisand: [ rambles on ] I’m keeping the ranch in Malibu, so who needs Ryan O’Neal? I don’t understand him..!
Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo John Glenn…..Tom Smothers Jesse Jackson…..Eddie Murphy William F. Buckley…..Brad Hall Carl Sagan…..Gary Kroeger
Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel. Last week ABC aired a special edition of “Nightline” called “The Crisis Game”, in which we saw how a hypothetical president and his advisors might react to a simulated nucxlear criris. The response was so overwhelming that we decided to extend the series. So, tonight we’ll see how two other potential presidents react to a similar emergency, as we present “Crisis Game ’83”.
Well, you certainly look like a newsworthy-looking bunch, and we do have a great show for you, so let’s meet our two contestants. Don Pardo?
Don Pardo: He’s a U.S. Senator, a devout Presbyterian, and the only U.S. astronaut who did not have sex with thousands of women. Please welcome John Glenn.
Ted Koppel: John, it is nice to have you with us. Do you want to tell us a little more about yourself?
John Glenn: Um.. no, I.. that’s about all there is. Oh, there was one thing.. no, that was someone else. I guess that’s it.
Ted Koppel: Thank you, John Glenn. Don, who’s next?
Don Pardo: He’s a Baptist minister, a devout political activist who enjoys getting his name in the papers. Let’s welcome Rev. Jesse Jackson.
Ted Koppel: Rev. Jackson, how are you?
Jesse Jackson: I am somebody!
Ted Koppel: No, Reverand, not who are you.. how are you.
Jesse Jackson: It’s not who you are, it’s who you will be! I can be whatever I will be! Whatever will be will be! The future is not ours to see! Que sera sera!
Ted Koppel: Well, thank you very much, Reverand. Okay, let’s get right to Crisis #1. Alright, gentlemen, here is your crisis: Marxist guerillas have been sighted in Barbados. You, as President, have responded by sending in one hundred thousand Marines without Congressional approval. Now you’re holding a press conference. John Glenn, let’s see if you can dodge the issue.
John Glenn: Well, you know.. from 100 miles up in space, Barbados doesn’t look much bigger than.. say.. Ohio.. with its millions of fully employed Americans, and its reputation for fine pancake houses.
Ted Koppel: Alright. Jesse Jackson.
Jesse Jackson: We are not interested in the Caribbean! We are interested in caring.. for human beings! Who’s got time for deployment, when there’s so much unemployment! Why should we be invading the tropics, when we should be invading the topics!
Ted Koppel: Alright, thank you. Alright, back to John Glenn now. Mr. President, has there or has there not been an invasion?
John Glenn: Well, let me say this.. I was talking with Jesse Jackson before this broadcast, and I asked him what he thought about Beirut.. and he told me Hank Aaron was a better hitter. I don’t think he is qualified.. but I was the first American to invade space.
Ted Koppel: The first American to invade space? You mean, the third American?
John Glenn: Whatever.
Ted Koppel: Alright. Uh, Jesse Jackson?
Jesse Jackson: We are not concerned with outer space! We’re concerned with inner cities! Don’t ask me about troops on the shore, ask me about food for the poor! Nuclear freeze? What about surplus cheese!
Ted Koppel: Thank you, Reverand. Okay, back to John Glenn again. Excuse me, Mr. President, I did see “The Right Stuff”, and wasn’t Alan Shephard really the first American in space?
John Glenn: Yeah, well, let’s see Alan Shephard send a hundred troops down to.. [ buzzer sounds ] Damn. I think I just blew it.
Ted Koppel: Alright, Jesse Jackson, you’re our big winner! Don, tell him what he’s won.
Don Pardo: The Illinois Primary! Illinois, the nation’s third-most popular state, which brings 46 fabulous Electoral votes! Illinois Primary courtesy of the Chicago Democratic machine.
Ted Koppel: Well, John Glenn, Senator from Ohio, thank you for being with us.
John Glenn: Do I.. still get to be senator?
Ted Koppel: I’m afraid so. Alright now, Jesse Jackson, this means you get to move on to our big bonus crisis! Let’s step right this way, please. [ they step up the stage ] Alright, sit right here, Jesse. This is the Presidential Hot Seat. Alright, Jesse, you’re about ot test the ultimate test of your hypothetical presidency. Radar has indicated that Russian missiles are heading towards the United States. Now, you have to decide whether or not to push this button, which will launch U.S. missiles.
Jesse Jackson: It sounds pretty simple!
Ted Koppel: Well, we’re gonna make it a little tougher on you, because aiding you in your decision will be Carl Sagan and William F. Buckley. Alright, Mr. President, the missiles have been launched, we are at alert, Condition Green. Go!
William F. Buckley: Mr. President! If I may interrupt you for a moment, and I daresay this bears directly on the issue of, not pertaining to, the point of which, in fact I may have just made.
Jesse Jackson: Yes, but..
Carl Sagan: Imagine, if you will, two men standing knee-deep in gasoline, each has billions and billions of matches. A cleaning woman enters the room with a lighted cigarette, and plugs in the defective toaster-oven. At this point..
Jesse Jackson: Yes, but..
Ted Koppel: Condition Yellow, Mr. President.
William F. Buckley: Mr. President, if we may ignore Mr. Sagan’s gas problem for a moment, I would hasten to point out that trigger-breaking is semi-quon-non of a..
Jesse Jackson: But, wait.. let’s..
Carl Sagan: To clarify, Mr. President, imagine if you will, two men standing knee-deep in a seafood restaurant, with butter. Each holds billions and billions of lobsters. A fight then breaks out over who will pick up the tab, and suddenly a waiter enters with a lighted cigarette..
Jesse Jackson: Will you both shut up and let me talk for a minute, please! [ presses button, game ends ]
Ted Koppel: Bad luck, Jesse Jackson! You made the wrong decision, Jesse. That nuclear alert wasn’t real, it was just some computer nut in California playing with his Wang computer.
Jesse Jackson: [ near tears ] Those guys just kept talking, man..
Ted Koppel: Well, Don Pardo, tell him what he’s just done.
Don Pardo: You’ve destroyed civilization as we know it. 7,000 years of human endevour down the drain, and you’re repsonsible!
Ted Koppel: Well, Jesse, you still get the Illinois Primary, so congratulations, nice playing with you. Thank you very much. Do join us next week when we will have Tip O’Neill and publisher Larry Flynt, and we will play “The Crisis Game”. Good night!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: December 3rd, 1983 Tom & Dick Smothers Big Country Tom Seaver Ron Luciano Larry Holmes
Big Country, “In A Big Country”.
Studio Rain Delay Umpire Rom Luciano waits for the rain to clear so the show can go on.
Tom & Dick Smothers’ Monologue Tom interrupts their song to take a picture of Dick.
Crisis Game ’83 John Glenn (Tom Smothers) & Jesse Jackson (Eddie Murphy) compete in fake crises. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Jesse Jackson.
Know Your Neighbor Talk show host (Jim Belushi) scoffs Jewish Hanukkah celebration.
Tom Carvel Carvel francisee (Tim Kazurinsky) specializes in adult cakes.
Big Country performs “In A Big Country”
Mentl Barbra Streisand (Joe Piscopo) takes on all the roles in latest movie. Recurring Characters: Barbra Streisand.
Tom & Dick Smothers perform “Fantasy For Auto Horn & Electronic Pulse in D Minor”
Saturday Night News with Brad Hall Gary Kroeger shows off his 21-year-old Cabbage Patch Kid (Jim Belushi). Dr. Jack Badofsky list types of influenza. Joe Piscopo interviews boxing champ Larry Holmes. Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Dream Land Sexual fantasy remains undetermined.
“The Boy Who Cried Wolf” Tom & Dick Smothers tell the classic tale.
Garage Band Audition Audition can only go so far on minimal talent.
Autographs Man (Tom Smothers) tries to get Dick Smothers’ autograph.
Mary…..Mary Gross …..Jerry Lewis Jean-Pierre…..Tim Kazurinsky
[ Jerry Lewis follows Mary into a room in the French movie studio ]
Mary: And theese.. theese is the place where every Jerry Louis movie is dubbed into the French language.
Jerry Lewis: No kidding! Right here, huh?
Mary: Oui! Theese is the room, help you become – how you Americans say – a superstar in France.
Jerry Lewis: Really! I like this room!
Mary: Ees very nice.
Jerry Lewis: It is.
[ Jean-Pierre, the French Translator, enters ]
Mary: [ excited ] He’s here!
Jerry Lewis: Who’s here?
Mary: Jean-Pierre, the man who is the voice of Jerry Louis to millions of Frenchmen! Oh, I am so excited!
Jerry Lewis: [ stunned ] Oh.. him? He does all of my movies?
Mary: Yes! Every single one of them! He has devoted his life to being the voice of Jerry Louis!
Jerry Lewis: Well! I would like to meet him!
Mary: I’m sure he will be very excited! [ runs to him ] Jean-Pierre! [ brings him forward, acknowledging Jerry ] Jerry Louis!
[ Jean-Pierre faints ]
Jerry Lewis: No, no, no.. it’s okay.. [ picks Jean-Pierre up ] It’s me, yes..
Jean-Pierre: [ excited beyond his wildest dreams, starts kissing Jerry all over, praising him in French ] Jerry!
Jerry Lewis: What is he saying, Mary?
Mary: He says he loves you, you are a genius.
Jerry Lewis: Well, that’s very nice, I appreciate all that.. Would you ask him if he’d mind it if I watched him work?
Mary: [ in French, passes on Jerry’s request ]
Jean-Pierre: [ excited, kisses Jerry again ]
Mary: It would be an honor!
Jerry Lewis: Wonderful..
Mary: He’s doing a scene from “The King of Comedy”.
Jerry Lewis: [ apprehensive ] Oh.. well, now.. “The King of Comedy”, that’s a very, very complex role.. I mean, it’s very tense. It was a tremendous challenge for me, having to play it perfectly straight, of course. And, uh, this film takes a lot of risks – as a matter of fact, putting it into a foreign language is a risk. I’ll be interested.. [ Jean-Pierre has been kissing him admiringly ] Uh.. are you gonna be here again tomorrow? I’ll be interested to see how he does. Are they ready?
Mary: They certainly are! They’re ready to start!
Jerry Lewis: Good!
[ Jean-Pierre sets up his microphone in the center of the room, as the reel counts down on-screen ]
Mary: Theese is the scene that Jean-Pierre will be dubbing!
[ close-up of screen plays clip from “The King of Comedy” where Jerry’s character likens Robert deNiro’s deranged comedian character to Hitler ]
Jerry Lewis: [ watching ] That’s.. that’s a tough scene..
Jean-Pierre: [ addresses Jerry before starting ]
Mary: Ohh.. this is the happiest day of his life!
Jerry Lewis: Good..
[ Jean-Pierre cues a replay of Jerry in the movie saying, “Yes, it is! I have a life, okay?” ]
Jean-Pierre: [ starts screaming impishly, confusing the serious drama with Jerry’s typical nutty comedies like “The Nutty Professor” and “The Patsy” ]
Jerry Lewis: [ waving his hands ] Wait.. wait.. hold it.. wait a minute.. cut it.. cut it..
Mary: It is incredible how he sounds exactly like you, eh?
Jerry Lewis: He sounds exactly like me?
Mary: Eet ees uncanny, no?
Jerry Lewis: NO! Listen, Jean-Pierre.. this is a tragedy! Do you understand? [ Jean-Pierre kisses Jerry’s hands ] Will you stop with the kissing, and listen to me?
Mary: He does not speak English!
Jerry Lewis: Oh.. he doesn’t speak.. he doesn’t speak English! Then, how does he.. I mean.. look! Will you tell him this is tragic and dramatic!
[ next scene replays, Jerry’s character yelling, “I told you I’d call to get rid of you!” ]
Jean-Pierre: [ translates wildly – “Allo? Allo? Au revoir!” ]
Jerry Lewis: No, this is insane!
[ movie clip plays Jerry’s character shouting, “That’s right!” ]
Jerry Lewis: No.. [ yells at the control booth ] Hold it! Cut it! Hold it and cut it, or cut it and hold it! Mary? Mary, this is a very, very serious film. It’s an important statement. A comment about American society! And he’s reading it like an idiot!
Mary: [ panicking, she informs Jean-Pierre in French that he’s translating the movie improperly ]
Jean-Pierre: [ ashamed of himself, pulls up his scarf and tries to choke himself to death ]
Jerry Lewis: [ worried by Jean-Pierre’s sudden action ] What is he saying, Mary? What is he saying?!
Mary: He’s ashamed, he wants to die!
Jerry Lewis: [ grabbing Jean-Pierre ] No, no, no, no, no!! Tell him to.. tell him to let go of the scarf!
Mary: Let go of the scarf!
[ Jean-Pierre won’t budge ]
Jerry Lewis: [ giving in ] Tell him I was joking.. tell him he did it perfect!
Mary: [ translating ] Perfecte!
Jean-Pierre: [ releases his grip on his scarf, turns to Jerry, smiles, then kisses him some more ]
Mary: He says, “I love this man! I love this man!”
[ next scene plays, DeNiro’s character shouts, “Alright, I made a mistake!” followed by Jerry’s character yelling, “So did Hitler!” ]
[ near-mimicking Jerry’s flop “Which Way To The Front?”, Jean-Pierre jumps around yelling “Hitler!” as Jerry and Mary exit the studio ]
[ screen shrinks, then reappears with the front page of Variety, big, bold headlines reading “King Of Comedy – Zany Box Office Smash In France” ]
Intern…..Gary Kroeger …..Jerry Lewis Dream Nurse…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Dream Nurse #2/Nurse…..Mary Gross Dr. Dean Martin…..Joe Piscopo Sammy Davis, Jr……Eddie Murphy Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
[ open on Intern and Nurses wheeling Jerry Lewis on a stretcher into the Emergency Room ]
Intern: Don’t be nervous, Mr. Lewis.
Jerry Lewis: [ groggy ] Let me ask you where I am..?
Intern: Don’t be nervous, sir. You just had a heart attack. You’re about to undergo double bypass surgery. Just relax.
Jerry Lewis: Uh.. where’s my doctor..? Where’s..
Intern: Please. Just be calm, Mr. Lewis, he’ll be right in..
Jerry Lewis: [ drifting off ] I’m feeling kind of sleepy.. they give you a lot of shots when you.. get sleepy..
[ screen blurs into a dream sequence, Dream Nurse looking down at Jerry ]
Dream Nurse: He’s fallen asleep.. Mr. Lewis is in great danger.. where’s the doctor..? Where could he be..? Where could he be..?
[ screen blurs again to show “Dr.” Dean Martin enter the ER ]
Dr. Dean Martin: [ singing ] “Everybody needs a bypass sometime. Everybody needs new arteries.”
Dream Nurse #2: Hello, Doctor.
Dr. Dean Martin: [ excited ] Hello-o-o-o, Beautiful! [ moves forward ] Ooh, ohhh..
Jerry Lewis: [ mimicking himself in all of his comedies ] Hey, am I gonna make it, Doc?! Am I.. am I.. am I.. gonna make it, Doc..?
Dr. Dean Martin: I don’t know about you, pal, but I’m gonna make it right now! Oh, Nurse! [ Dream Nurse walks up ] Ooh, Nurse! [ reaches over gurney to kiss her ] Scalpel, please. Oops!
Jerry Lewis: [ alarmed ] Oops?! What’s with the Oops?! Oops?! Oops could be very bad! I could be in very bad..
Dr. Dean Martin: Now, now, now, now.. I’m just gonna make a little incision right here, cut the chest open. I just hope I remember how to do this..
Jerry Lewis: Yeah, well, look, I.. look, I have an appointment someplace! Why don’t I go, with you stay? Or.. let me leave, and I.. I don’t wanna.. [ sees Dr. Dean smoking his cigarette ] I don’t want you touching.. I don’t want you smoking.. but don’t lick ittt..
Dr. Dean Martin: Calm down, Jerry, calm down. I’m the best there is! This operation requires nerves of steel and a steady hand.. [ grabs a martini from one of the many nurses surrounding the ER ] Oh, yeah, yeah, just what the doctor ordered! [ pokes out the olive with his scalpel ]
Jerry Lewis: I.. I.. [ starts to crack up ]
Dr. Dean Martin: You’re feeling great!
Jerry Lewis: I dn’t mean to disturb you, Doc, really.. but maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at a time like thissss..
Dr. Dean Martin: Why not? It’s Happy Hour, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get this thing over with now.. I think we’re gonna start right here, uh..
Jerry Lewis: Oh, Doc.. whoa, Doc.. Doc, whoa.. don’t I need an anesthetic? Don’t I need somethin, in case of bleeding and tearing? You know.. in case of tearing and bleeding, and.. [ starts choking on Dr. Dean’s cigarette smoke ]
Dr. Dean Martin: An anesthetic? That’s a good idea, Jerry, why not? [ sips from a second martini ]
Jerry Lewis: No, no, no! I mean for me!
Dr. Dean Martin: Ohhh.. okay. [ holds the martini in front of Jerry’s face ]
Jerry Lewis: [ starts lapping the martini like a dog ] Hey! All these years, you knew something, didn’t you!
Dr. Dean Martin: And now, I’d like to introduce you to a very special man.. he’s a very special man, he’s my guest anesthesiologist, Dr. Entertainment himself – please welcome Sammy!
[ Sammy Davis, Jr. enters the ER ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Dino, my man! It’s so groovy to see you! I was just down the hall doing my thing for a special that I’m working on. [ wraps his arm around Jerry ] Let me embarrass this cat for a moment now.. I love this cat, I really, really do. I really do. And only in this business, can a cat like me, and a like you..
Jerry Lewis: [ cracking up ] Hey, Doc! Doc!
Dr. Dean Martin: Yeah?
Jerry Lewis: Are you sure this guy’s qualified? I mean, with a diploma on the wall, with a paper thing that says that he knows college and cutting..?
Dr. Dean Martin: Well, he’s the tops, pallie, forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!
Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!
Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!
Jerry Lewis: Doc?
Dr. Dean Martin: What?
Jerry Lewis: I forgot it. [ laughs loudly, as Sammy delights in the joke, then picks up a large scalpel ] Hey, he’s not gonna use this on me, is he?
Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, no, no, Jer.. that’s to calm down his accountant after he gets the bill for Sammy’s pinky ring.
[ Sammy laughs loudly, stomping the floor ]
Jerry Lewis: [ ad-libbing ] Try to cheer up, will you? [ turns to Dr. Dean ] Then how is he gonna put me to sleeeeeeppp..?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let me tell you about the time I was in Israel, man. You see, don’t worry about your operation, it’s gonna be groovy, man. Super, fabulous, and marvelous! Only in this business, can a cat like you, and a cat like him, and a chick like her, and a chick like her.. here a chick, there a chick.. [ singing ] “Everywhere a chick, chiiiickkk!”
Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, ho, ho.. more anesthetic, Doc. More anesthetic.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ singing ] “The Candyman makes everything he makes, satisfying and delicious.. talk about your child..” Back in 1962, when I was a young..
[ screen blurs back to reality, Nurse looking down at Jerry ]
Nurse: Look! He’s coming through! You came through like a champ! Bless your heart!
[ screen blurs again to show the real Doctor standing next to Jerry’s gurney ]
Doctor: Mr. Lewis?
Jerry Lewis: [ groggier than ever ] Wha..?
Doctor: Time to go to recovery. Your operation was a success.
Jerry Lewis: Huh? Who are you?
Doctor: Don’t you know me? I’m Dr. DeBakey, I performed your bypass.
Jerry Lewis: [ confused ] ..You mean.. you mean, I.. then, he didn’t.. [ sees the light ] ..I guess.. it was all a dream.. “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!“
Mike Nash…..Tim Kazurinsky Ram Fellstein…..Jerry Lewis
Mike Nash: Good evening, and welcome to “Fascinating People and Their Friends.” I’m your host, Mike Nash, and tonight’s topic is: “Professional Football and the Rest Of Us.” Here to discuss this with us is Ram Fellstein, of the newly-formed AJFL.
Ram Fellstein: [ deep-voiced ] Hello, Mike.
Mike Nash: Could you tell us osmething about the AJFL.
Ram Fellstein: Certainly, I’d be glad. The AJFL, or the American-Jewish Football League.. [ starts to crack up, covers face ]
Mike Nash: [ covering ] Mmm-hmm.. Something in your eye, I see..
Ram Fellstein: ..was.. was formed.. [ cracks up ] ..was formed last year to bring professional sports to the professional man! For example, I myself, in addition to being a co-founder of the league, am also quarterback for the Chicago Dentists!
Mike Nash: Ah. I see. And when is your regular season.
Ram Fellstein: Every Wednesday, from mid-November to mid-March.
Mike Nash: Oh, what, your team doesn’t play on Sunday?
Ram Fellstein: No. Sundays, we play golf. All the teams in the Eastern Division – that would be the Chicago Dentists, the Miami Obstetricians, the Atlanta Heart Specialists, and the New York Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat – we all play on Wednesday, our day off.
Mike Nash: Hmm, that’s very interesting. Well, seeing as how none of you guys are professional athletes.. I mean, it’s just a bunch of doctors running around banging into each other, isn’t it? Injuries must be a big problem.
Ram Fellstein: Oh, boy! I’ll say. Everytime someone gets hurt, there’s twenty-one guys out on the field trying to treat them! But first, last year, when we played the San Fransisco Attorneys in the Play-Offs, we had 85 yards in penalties, and $16 million in lawsuits!
Mike Nash: Tough game. Who won?
Ram Fellstein: It’s still up for appeal. It could be years before we find out!
Mike Nash: Speaking of Play-Offs, does the AJFL have something equivalent to the Superbowl?
Ram Fellstein: Oh, yes, oh boy, yes, oh yeah!
Mike Nash: Tell me about it..
Ram Fellstein: But the name changes each year, depend- – cracks up ] ..depending on who wins.
Mike Nash: I see.
Ram Fellstein: For example, the year the Dentists won, it was called the Spitbowl. The year the.. [ suppresses laughter ] ..Plastic Surgeons won, it was called the Nosebowl. I don’t even want to tell you what it was called the year the Gynecologists won.
Mike Nash: No.. [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. hold it just a second.. Jews don’t play football!
Ram Fellstein: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn’t I?! [ laughs at him ]
Mike Nash: Okay, join us next week on “Fascinating People”, when the subject is Nude Bullfighting. [ to Ram, as closing music sweeps ] You had me going there for a while..!
Air Date:
Stevie Nicks, “Stand Back”
Big Country, “In A Big Country”.
