Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following docu-drama presents explicit scenes of an actual sex-change operation and may not be suitable for children or pre-teenagers.”
[ dissolve to black-and-white images of the patient in his boyhood youth ]
Patient V/O: Ever since I was a small child, I can remember feeling more like a little girl than a little boy. At school, I used to spend more time with the girls. I hated sports. When I grew up and found I could change my sex medically, I knew I had to make a big decision. With my life savings, I flew to Copenhagen to a Danish sexual institute and clinic. There, I saw Dr. Inger Yensin, who would arrange my sex-change operation.
[ dissolve to Dr. Inger Yensin’s office ]
Patient V/O: The doctor, who, incidentally, was a woman, explained to me that there were two possible operations: One took four weeks and involved lengthy tissue exchange procedures. It costs almost 200,000 Danish kroners, or $37,000. The other was an abbreviated procedure that could be done that afternoon for only 2,000 kroners, or about $346. Having spent all my money on airfare, I chose the less expensive procedure, happy that I would soon be the woman I had dreamt of.
[ Dr. Tensin leads the patient to an operation table in her office ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Now, just get on the table! [ he climbs on the table ] Lie down, please. [ he lies down ] That’s good. [ to her nurses ] Administer the guest.
Nurse #1: Guest!
Nurse #2: [ places anesthesia over patient’s face ] Guest administered. [ she places the curtain over the patient ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Scalpel.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Scalpel!
[ Dr. Yensin applies the scalpel, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Scalpel.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Sponge.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Sponge.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the sponge, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Sponge.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Mascara.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Mascara.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the mascara, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Dr. Inger Yensin: Lipstick.
Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Lipstick.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the lipstick, then hands it to her second nurse ]
Nurse #2: Lipstick.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Dress and high high heels.
Nurse #1: [ handing them over ] Dress and high heels.
[ Dr. Yensin applies the dress and high heels ]
Nurse #2: Dress and high heels.
Dr. Inger Yensin: Stop anesthesia! The operation is a success.
[ they lower the curtain, revealing the patient dressed as a woman while still retaining a man’s body ]
[ the patient rises and smiles ]
Patient: [ in a throaty whisper ] Live from New York… it’s Saturday Night.
Josh Caine…..Martin Sheen Herb Carp…..Harry Shearer Lynn Memily…..Jane Curtin Francis Ford Coppola…..Bill Murray Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris Gary Kreps…..Tom Davis Extra #2…..Akira Yoshimura Marlon Brando…..Alan Zweibel Phil…..Al Franken Janine…..Gilda Radner Andrea…..Laraine Newman
[ open on close-up of Josh Caine lying with his head hanging over the side of his bed, as The Doors’ “The End” plays ]
Josh Caine V/O: Hollywood. I can’t believe I’m still in Hollywood. I’ve been here 48 hours now, and I’m bored out of my mind, sitting in my hotel room listening to the same Doors tape, waiting to take a meeting. [ he lifts himself upright and grabs a bottle of liquor ] United Artists had phoned me in from New York. They said they had a real choice assignment for me, and when it was over… I’d want to get out of the business.
[ suddenly, there’s a knock at the door ]
Josh Caine: Yeah!
[ Josh jumps up to open the door ]
Herb Carp: Josh! Josh! Herb Carp, United Artists.
Josh Caine: Hello, Herb.
[ they shake hands ]
Herb Carp: It’s good to see you.
Josh Caine: It’s good to see you.
Herb Carp: Josh Caine, this is Lynn Memily, my assistant. Lynn, Josh Caine.
Lynn Memily: It’s a pleasure!
Josh Caine: Come on in!
Lynn Memily: Why don’t I just set up the tape?
Herb Carp: That’s a good idea. [ he steps forward ] Josh… the project we’re gonna talk about today is, uh, kind of special… so I thought maybe, instead of taking the meeting at the office, we’d take it here.
Josh Caine: Why, sure! Sit down. [ they sit on the edge of the bed ] Uh… you mind telling me what this is all about?
Herb Carp: [ he opens his briefcase ] Josh… you ever heard of… Francis Ford Coppola? [ he hands a dossier over to Josh ]
Josh Caine: Well, I’ve heard the name.
Herb Carp: Francis was… one of our fienst directors. He was absolutely one of the best
Josh Caine: Was?
Herb Carp: Coppola’s out in the Phillippines, maing a film for us called… [ he chuckles ] “Apocalypse Now”.
Josh Caine: [ he laughs ] It’s a strange title for a movie, isn’t it?
Herb Carp: Yeah. We wanted him to change it. Hey — what do you think of “Never Say Retreat”?
Josh Caine: “Never Say Retreat”?
Lynn Memily: [ sitting down ] I like it!
Herb Carp: Thank you, honey. Josh, when a director is out on location, things happen. Uh… he starts rewriting, improvising… he loses all sense of reality, he goes… he goes over budget.
Lynn Memily: Coppola’s surrounded by a production crew who worship him like a god. They follow his every order, no matter how ridiculous!
Herb Carp: And no matter how much it costs. The original budget was $2 million — the last we heard, he was up to $30. I mean, who knows? Lynn, honey, would you play the cassette for us?
Lynn Memily: Great. [ she crosses the room ] Now, uh — this is the msot recent recording of Coppola. It’s at last year’s Oscar ceremony.
[ she turns the video on, as Coppola appears on the screen ]
Francis Ford Coppola: And, uh, I’d just like to say that the film industry — what we call filming — we’re gonna do such GREAT things in the 80’s! You know, it’s gonna make the Industrial Revolution look like last night’s plutonium! I mean, we’re talking about sattelites and video discs, uh, laser steroes… huge, huge extension cords —
Josh Caine: As I listened to his rambling, incoherent speech, it all became clear: Coppola was quite completely insane.
Herb Carp: Honey, turn it off.
[ Lynn turns the tape off ]
Herb Carp: Josh, every man has his breaking point — Coppola’s reached his. His ideas and methods are… well, they’re unsound. He’s out there on location, operating without ANY human restraint. Your job is to go to the Phillippines, find Coppola, and TERMINATE production of this film.
Josh Caine: You mean, pull the plug?
Herb Carp: [ he sighs heavily ] Pull the plug, with extreme prejudice.
Josh Caine: Yes, sir.
Herb Carp: [ to Lynn ] Honey… the man’s got some thinking to do, let’s go.
Josh Caine: Right.
[ they collect their things and head for the door ]
Herb Carp: Oh, Josh?
Josh Caine: Yes, sir?
Herb Carp: One more thing: When you get back… let’s have lunch!
Josh Caine: Yes, sir.
[ dissolve to an airplane taking off ]
Josh Caine V/O: I left the next morning, via Charlie Jet to Manila. It was a trip of 8,000 miles, and my flight took me over the Pacific — an endless expanse of ocean that seemed to lead to just one thing: Coppola. It was a long flight, but United Artists had given me their dossier on Coppola, so I had plenty of reading to do.
[ dissolve to Josh on the plane, reading copies of Variety and other entertainment publications ]
Josh Caine V/O: He had an amazing career. Almost too amazing. When he started on, he was a studio’s dream. He brought in pictures ahead of schedule and under budget. “The Godfather” — made in three weeks for a cost of $35,000; then “Godfather II”, $15,000. But when he started to work on “Apocalypse Now”, all that changed. Coppola had been in the jungle six months, when the bills started coming in to the studio. An invoice from Bell Aviation, for blowing up 800 helicopters: $4.5 million; The Cambodian Ministry of the Interior, for blowing up a fifth century temple: $7 million; The Phillipine Army Corps of Engineers, for building a subterranean city: $11 million; Manila Demolition, for blowing up subterranean city: $1.5 million; and so on, and so on. No wonder they wanted this guy stopped.
[ dissolve to map with toy airplane moving across the ocean ]
Josh Caine V/O: When I got to Manila, I was hit with some bad news. A tropical storm had washed out all roads to the shooting location. The only route left was the river, and Coppola had rented every boat in the country — al except one.
[ dissolve to close-up of Manila on map, with a toy boat moving up the river ]
Josh Caine V/O: My companion on the trip was the United Artists distributor for southeast Asia — Herbert Rice. The studio had kept him in the dark about Coppola, and he wasn’t too happy about it.
[ disslve to Josh and Herbert foot-paddling a boat ]
Herbert Rice: WHERE are we going?! I DEMAND to know where we’re going! That’s right!
Josh Caine: We’re going up-river, and that’s all you need to know!
Herbert Rice: Hey, man, look — I don’t HAVE to do this, now! I am a film distributor! My job is to get the posters up, get the ad in the paper, and mae SURE somebody’s answering that phone! Now, I-I-I-I got everybody on my back, asking me where is “Apocalypse Now” What is that man Coppola doing? It’s been THREE years! “Coming Home”‘s out! “Deer Hunter”‘s out! Al the Vietnam films are out! Man, it’s EMBARRASSING! Especially here in Southeast Asia, man! If it hadn’t been for “Rocky”, man, I’d have lost ALL of my theaters in Burma!
Josh Caine V/O: The day we left Manila, I received a message from the studio with a very interesting item. Evidently, I wasn’t the first ax-man they’d sent to stop Coppola/ Gary Kreps, one of the studio’s most feared executives, had gone in three months before. There’d been no word until a week ago, when his family received this letter: “Sell the Merceds, sell the jacuzzi, drain the pool, forget it. I’m not coming back.” I knew Coppola was close now — real close.
Herbert Rice: [ pointing ] Look around the bend! It’s the “Apocalypse” set, man!
[ cut to approaching jungle setting ]
Josh Caine V/O: And there it was: The most expensive, realistic set in movie history.
[ dissolve to actors walking around a lunch setting ]
Josh Caine V/O: Evidently, we had arrived at lunch time.
Extra #1: Can you believe Brando? We are talking six-hundred pounds!
Extra #2: Tell me about it — the Viet Cong could last six months on what he just had for breakfast.
[ Josh enters the set ]
Josh Caine: Uh — excuse me. Does anybody know where I could find Francis Ford Coppola? I’ve gotta talk to him.
Extra #3: No. You don’t talk to Francis — you take direction from Francis.
Josh Caine: I don’t mind that. Where can I find him?
Extra #4: Well… he might be… over… at the full-scale replica… of OZ!
Extra #5: You idiot! That was blown up a week ago!
Extra #4: Oh, yeah?
[ Kreps, made up the same as the natives, approaches ]
Gary Kreps: [ surprised ] Josh Caine! How the hell are you? [ they shake hands ]
Josh Caine: I’m okay. You’re the guy the studio sent out. What happened?
Gary Kreps: Oh, geez — I’m great! I mean, working with Francis here has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life! You know, I came out here to clip his wing,s but he liked the way I read his contract so much, that he put me into a couple of scenes, and one thing led to another and… well… to make a long story short, be looking for this guy in the Underground City scene, okay? I mean, we had built this incredible subterranean city — we blew it up, of course — but I’m ALL OVER IT! It’s MY scene! I’m really excited!
Extra #4: Hey! I heard… that scene… was CUT!
Gary Kreps: NO!!
Extra #4: Yes.
Gary Kreps: NO!!
Josh Caine: Never mind about that. Where the hell is Coppola?
Gary Kreps: Uh — he’s probably trying to get Brando out of his trailer.
Josh Caine: What do you mean, trai — Brando won’t come out of his trailer?
Gary Kreps: Oh, don’t worry. They’ll do it just like last week. They just have to take the door off.
[ suddenly, Marlon Brando and Francis Ford Coppola enter the set ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Alright, we’re out now. Relax. We got you out. Okay, now, look — I promise you we’ll get you a bigger trailer, i’ll get you one of those Genie Load-a-matic garage openers, you’ll be in and out with no problem. Alright, why don’t you get a bite. You’re beautiful, Marlon! You know that? You’re beautiful, you are. [ he kisses Brando’s forehead ] Why don’t you go get a bite, I’ll talk to my staff about how to shoot this next spot, okay? Thank you.
[ Brando walks away ]
Josh Caine V/O: There he was — just what I’d expected. And I wondered if I was what he’d expected.
Josh Caine: Mr. Coppola! I’ve got to talk to you, sir.
Francis Ford Coppola: Uh — in a minute, huh? We’re on the nut right now. Just stay here, though. [ calling out ] Phil!
Phil: Yeah! Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Janine!
Janine: Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Andrea!
Andrea: Yeah!
Francis Ford Coppola: Anybody! Somebody!
[ the three assistants rush forward ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Hi. Look… we can’t get away with the lighting on Marlon forever. I mean, he looks weird. He looks Uncle Fester. You know.
Andrea: Francis… listen. Phil and I had an idea.
Phil: Yeah.
Andrea: Let’s say the tribesmen love him so much, that at all times they form a human shield around him. Come on, Phil, let’s show him.
Phil: Okay, okay, okay. [ the three assistants circle Coppola ] Let’s say, Francis, you’re Brando, okay? See? Huh?
Andrea: Just like this.
Phil: Yeah, yeah! With just his head poking out! You got it?
Andrea: A human shield!
[ Coppola doesn’t look completely sold on the idea ]
Janine: Uh — uh — wait! What about this? Let’s say that, uh, for whatever reason, uh, that whenever Marlon receives visitors, he’s always in a pit buried up to his neck in the sand.
Francis Ford Coppola: Hmm…
Phil: No — I know. Okay, listen — the, uh, planes spray the foliants so that he’s always standing in a pile of dead leaves. Okay? Just his headd sticking out!
Andrea: Or — how about in a pile of dead bodies? Oh, no… then, maybe, he’d look dead.
Janine: Well, whatever it is, don’t you think we should make a decision soon?
Francis Ford Coppola: [ thinking ] Well… wouldn’t it be less trouble to shoot it ,i>every way, and then try to decide later? Huh?
Josh Caine: [ interrupting ] I’m afraid you won’t be doing any more shoting, Mr. Coppola. I represent United Artists, and I’m authorized to TERMINATE this production IMMEDIATELY!
Francis Ford Coppola: But, uh, it’s not finished, you know?
Andrea: You know, Francis — I was in the editing room last night, we have enough footage to cut together several different versions of the film.
Francis Ford Coppola: But I have no ENDING! I don’t know what the film IS yet! How am I supposed to conceptualize my ending, when I don’t know what the film is yet?!
Josh Caine: The fact is, Coppola, you don’t have any choice! To prevent you and your crew from incurring any more debts in the name of United Artists, we’ve ordered an immediate B-52 air strike on THIS set! [ he hands over the paperwork ]
Francis Ford Coppola: What?
Janine: Francis! That’s not bad! We never thought of blowing up the set! You know, we oughtta get this on film!
Francis Ford Coppola: [ excited ] Yeah! A B-52 strike! THAT’S IT!! That’s it! MY ENDING!! One of my endings! [ he claps his hands together ] When is the strike?
Josh Caine: [ looking at his watch ] In about ten seconds.
Francis Ford Coppola: [ yelling ] Okay! We gotta do this FAST, everybody! Okay, roll cameras! [ as the sounds of falling missiles rises ] Give me sound and feed! Okay! Action on the incoming!
[ cut to fiery footage, as The Doors “The End” plays ]
Martin Sheen: Thank you. Hey, thanks a lot! You know, it’s a real pleasure for me to be here tonight to host the show, but I have to admit I feel a little out of place. I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard it said that every dramatic actor would, uh, would love to find a point in his career when he could do a musical comedy, uh, sing and dance. I have to confess the fact I never learned to sing or dance, and I’m afraid I don’t tell jokes very well. For example. [ the audience laughs ] I told you! Uh — the 800-pound gorilla… who thinks he can sit anywhere! [ he laughs alone ] I told you! Okay — see that?
Uh — despite that, I do believe that an actor should agree to take risks with his career, so I agreed to do the show. And, uh — we’re going to be doing some very funny business — at least, they think it’s funny — and, uh, all I asked in return was one little favor, and these people who run the show have granted me that favor. nd that is, very simply, to right here at the top of the show, to talk about something that’s very, very close to my heart. So please give me your attention.
[ he steps across the stage to sit next to a box of toys ]
Martin Sheen: You know… the holiday season is a time of great joy and happiness — or, at least, it should be. But there are, however, those among us who are not as fortunate. Christmas is just another day… for America’s professional prostitutes. They never get any toys. That’s why I’m very proud to co-sponsor, along with the United States Coast Guard Reserve, the 1979 Toys for Tarts campaign. [ the audience cheers ] Each year on December, we collect usable toys and then distribute them to 40,000 professional prostitutes and call girls in the United States and Puerto Rico. It’s a wonderful thing to see that beautiful glow in a young woman’s face when she receives her Christmas toy. Believe me, I know. I’ve seen it. But time is running short, and we need your help as soon as possible. Please send your usable toys… for Toys for Tarts. Look for this attractive display in major shopping centers everywhere. And, remember — fill… ’til it hurts. Thank you.
Martin Sheen: Thanks very much, we had a lot of fun! Good night.
[ David Bowie runs up on stage and stands directly in front of Sheen ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Ted Knight, with Andy Kaufman and musical guests Desmond Child & Rouge. This Wednesday, watch The Best of Saturday Night Live at 10 o’clock/9 Mountain and Central. This is Don Pardo — I’m the same voice, Mountain and Central — saying… Good Night.
Al Franken: Welcome to “Revisions of Freudian Theory”. I’m your host, al Franken. Our guest tonight is Dr. Thomas J. Davis, and Dr. Davis has formulated a new fifth stage of personality development, in addition to the four of Freud’s that we’re all famliar with: the Oral, the Anal. the phallic, and the Genital. Uh — first, Dr. Davis, welcome to our show. Tell us — what is this new fifth stage?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: [ in a nasally voice ] It’s the Nasal stage, Al. The child enters the Nasal stage at about Age 6, right after the Anal stage, at a time when a child is undergoing traumatic handkerchief training. And, uh, a person who becomes fixated at the Nasal stage will maintain nasal qualities throughout his life, unless, of course, he receives some kind of therapy.
Al Franken: I see. Well, uh, Doctor, what are some of these Nasal traits?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, he may be a snotty, stuck up, picky, youth. The ort of person — yes. These are nasal-retentive traits.
Al Franken: I see. So, uh, a nasal-retentive person might be called a… a tight-nose, is that right?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Exactly! You might say he has a stick up his nose, yes.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. I see. And, uh, what would the nasal-expulsive personality be like?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Uh — a nasal-expulsive person is often overly inquisitive, or nosy, and frequently alienates himself by blowing it in his relationships with other people. This can be very serious…
Al Franken: Well, wait a minute! Wait a minute! A nasal-expulsive person blows it ewith other people? Is that what you’re saying?
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, that’s the terminology. We prefer the layman to, uh…
Al Franken: Well, thank you, Doctor. I think we’ve heard just about as much about the Nasal stage as we want to hear!
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, then —
Al Franken: Thank you. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when our guest will be Dr. Sonya Kuntmuller, who will discuss her theory of Penis Shame. Now, Dr. Kuntmuller said that Freud’s theory of, uh, Penis Envy is wrong… that women do not envy men’s penises, rather that men are ashamed of their penises — or, or his penis — and, uh, that therefore men like to hide their penises in dark places over and over again.
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, that’s the most RIDICULOUS theory that I’ve ever heard, in all my years —
Al Franken: Well, I don’t think you’re in any position to call a theory serious.
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: Well, you’re asking for a punch in the nose, fella!
Al Franken: Thank you, good night!
Dr. Thomas J. Davis: You know that? You’re really asking for it!
Dad…..Martin Sheen Little Girl…..Gilda Radner Mom…..Jane Curtin Electrician…..Garrett Morris
Dad: [ reading from “The Raven” ] “‘Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’ Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.'” [ laughs lightly ] Did you like that?
Little Girl: Uh.. yeah.. the talking bird was real neat.. Read me another one, Daddy!
Dad: No, no, no! no more tonight, Jenny! It’s time for this little girl to go to bed.
Little Girl: Alright..
Dad: Good girl. [ kisses her on the forehead ] Goodnight, sweetheart!
Little Girl: Goodnight! [ Dad turns the light off as he exits her bedroom, but, following the story, the Little Girl is suddenly frightened by the dark ] Dad! Mom! Help! Help, come quick!
Mom: [ rushing in ] What’s the matter?!
Little Girl: Help! Look! There’s a bear in the corner!
Mom: [ approaching the corner ] Honey, it’s just your clothes making a shadow on the wall, I’ll fix it..
Dad: [ rushing in ] What’s the matter? What’s going on in here?
Mom: Jenny thought these clothes were a bear.
Dad: [ laughing ] Oh, how ridiculous! We know there are no bears in here. Now, come on, young lady, let’s all get to sleep.
Little Girl: Okay. I’m sorry.
Mom: Goodnight, honey.
Little Girl: Goodnight..
[ Mom and Dad exit the room and turn off the lights ]
Mom: What were you reading to her? Honestly, I don’tunderstand you..
Dad: Oh, it’s just a little Poe!
[ the Little Girl sits alone in the dark, as a mysterious figure opens the door, enters the room and lights a cigarette ]
Little Girl: Dadddy.. is that you..?
Electrician: [ frightened ] Who said that?!
Little Girl: [ screams ] Aaagghh! Mom! Dad! Come quick!
Mom: [ rushing in ] What happened?
Little Girl: There’s a strange man in the room!
Dad: Oh, don’t be silly! It’s only the electrician, Mr. Spencer!
Mom: Don’t you remember him, dear? He was here just a week ago.
Little Girl: [ trying to calm down ] Yea-ah.. But what’s he doing in my room now?!
Mom: He left his tool box. We told him he could come by sometime and get it.
Dad: We’re awfully sorry about this, Mr. Spencer.. my goodness,you’re shaking like a leaf, your heart’s beating a mile a minute, are you okay?
Electrician: [ shaking ] This girl here scared the bejeesus out of me, man!
Dad: Gosh, I’m awfully sorry.
Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, don’t you think you owe Mr. Spencer an apology?
Little Girl: I’m sorry, Mr. Spencer..
Electrician: Never mind the apology, man! Just keep heraway from me!
Dad: Is there anything I can do..?
Electrician: No, you’ve done enough! [ exits room as Dadfollows ]
Dad: I’m so embarrassed..
Electrician: You oughtta be!
Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, honey, this is what happens when you stay up too late at night. Now, can we have no more of these hijinks, please?
Little Girl: Okay, I’m sorry..
Mom: Okay. Goodnight.
[ Mom exits bedroom and turns out the light. Soon after, the Little Girl’s bed start to bounce up and down ]
Little Girl: Help! Help me! Mom! Dad! Help!
[ Mom and Dad rush back in again, angry ]
Dad: What’s the matter?! Young lady, what is this about! I’m just about at my wit’s end with you!
Little Girl: Oh, there’s ghosts under the bed!
Dad: [ angry ] Will you give me a break, young lady! Mom: Honey, there are no ghosts underneath the bed. It’sjust a family of gypsies your father said could camp here a while.. [ lifts the bedsheet as the gypsies crawl out ]
Dad: Now, look – you ‘ve gone and woke them up! [ to the gypsies ] Oh, look, I’m terribly sorry! What can I do? I had no idea that she would act this way.. how about staying in the den..? [ the gypsies exit the room ] I know a certain young lady who’s going to have to go to bed awful extra early tomorrow night! Now you go to sleep, young lady!
Little Girl: I’m sorry..
Mom: And you can forget about that slumber party thisweekend!
Dad: Absolutely!
Little Girl: Can I put the light on?
Dad: No! I don’t work hard at work all day so I can support Tom Edison! Now get to sleep!
[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the light ]
Mom: I hope Shandor and the tribe weren’t too upset..
[ the Little Girl remains alone in the dark room, but she can’t seem toput her mind at ease, so she hops out of bed and turns on the light. Still unsatisfied, she peeks under the bed to check for monsters. Still not convinced, she decides to check the closet door, only to find a mutilated man holding a hatchet ] Mom? Dad? Could you just please come in here for a minute..?
Voice of Dad: If I have to come in there one more time, young lady, it had better be important!
Little Girl: [ opens the closet door to determine the magnitude of importance of the mutilated hatchet man inside, then closes the door and makes her decision ] Um.. it’s okay! Forget it! Goodnight!
[ the Little Girl quickly jumps into bed and throws the covers over herbody as the scene zooms out to black ]
[ SUPER: coming up next: Supreme Court Snap Judgments ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 15th, 1979 Martin Sheen David Bowie None None Brian Doyle-Murray Tom Schiller Sex ChangeSummary: Patient (Bill Murray) undergoes a quickie cheap sex-change operation that merely places him in women’s clothing. Transcript
Montage
Martin Sheen’s MonologueSummary: Martin Sheen doesn’t consider himself nuch of a comedy performer, but agreed to give it a try on tonight’s show if he could make a formal request of donations of toys for needy prostitutes this Christmas season. Transcript
Le ShoeSummary: The world’s ugliest pair of designer shoes holds mass fashion appeal because it hails from France.
Dark ShadowsSummary: Little girl (Gilda Radner) thinks she sees mysterious objects in her darkened room after her dad (Martin Sheen) reads a scary bedtime story. Transcript
Teacher’s StrikeSummary: At an emergency meeting of the Teachers Union Strike Committee, Mr. Peskin (Martin Sheen) and fellow striking teachers weigh the pros and cons of the school board’s latest final offer.
David Bowie performs “The Man Who Sold The World”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks includes slams at “The Jerk” and “1941” and high praise for “Meatballs”. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that he’s the new spoesman for the Mr. Tea teamaking machine. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci. Transcript
Apocalypse NowSummary: United Artists executive (Harry Shearer) sends Josh Caine (Martin Sheen) to the Phillippines to halt Francis Ford Coppola’s (Bill Murray) overbudget production of “Apocalypse Now”. Recurring Characters: Marlon Brando. Transcript
David Bowie performs “TVC-15”
“First Love”Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Bill Murray revisits Fannie, the dog he once loved.
ForevereadySummary: Foreveready is no ordinary battery, and tough guy spokesman Robert Conrad (Martin Sheen) and his dad (Brian Doyle-Murray) are willing to take a barroom bully’s (Bill Murray) pummeling and taunting to prove that misbegotten claim.
MurderSummary: After committing the perfect crime, kidnappers (Martin Sheen, Garrett Morris) try to maintain sole knowledge by killing their hostage (Jane Curtin) and all accidental witnesses who stumble into their hideout before they can make their escape.
Minota AM3Summary: The Minota AM3 camera takes great photos and brings people like Bruce (Martin Sheen) and Christy Jenner (Laraine Newman) together, even in the face of their impending divorce. Recurring Characters: Bruce Jenner.
Revisions Of Freudian TheorySummary: Al Franken interviews Dr. Thomas J. Davis on the supposed nasal stage of Freudian study. Transcript
Martin Sheen HairspraySummary: Actress Jane Curtin uses Martin Sheen’s saliva as her take-charge hairspray of choice.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtain.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Senator Edward Kennedy’s wife, Joan, who has lived alone for the past two years, said this week that if her husband were elected President she would live in the White House. Kennedy, informed of her decision, immediately withdrew from the race.
With greater shortages than expected, due to the cutoff of Iranian oil imports, a revival of the odd-even gas rationing plan is anticipated in many states. However, because of negative reaction voiced by a majority of citizens, the odd-even plan has been modified, and will only be in effect on every other day.
Jane Curtin: And, an embarrassing note: 19-year-old Anita Dark of St. Petersburg, Florida, filed a paternity suit this week, and has claimed that the father is Weekend Update Sportscaster Chico Escuela. Ms. Dark alleged that she became intimate with Mr. Escuela last Spring, when Chico was in Florida attempting a comeback with the New York Mets. On advice from his lawyer, Chico can’t comment on Anita Dark, but he is here this week to tell us about sports. Welcome home, Chico!
Chico Escuela: Thank you, Hane. Basebal bin berra berra good to me. Anita Dark bin berra berra good to me.. but Chico can’t talk about it. In sports, Charles White won the.. how do you say.. Heisman Trophy. Now, look at this run. Charles White is the best football player. He runs with authority. Chico run from authority.. but I can’t talk about it.
Uh.. Darrell Dawkins does it agian. Look at this. [ show video of slam dunk that shatters the glass backboard ] He break the glass! He break it! Why do they use glass? The backboard should be stronger! Should use cement.. or steel.. or iron. Not rubber! Rubber break! But I can’t talk about it. Back to you, Hane.
Jane Curtin: Nice work, Chico.
Due to a recent crisis, there’s been a dramatic change in the latest “Weekend Update” Glickman Poll of Presidential hopefuls. As you can see, it’s still very close between Carter and Kennedy, and their tough battle may be the reason Glickman is so far ahead this early in the campaign. Needless to say, the Glickman camp is cautiously optimistic. Good luck, Glickman.
Hollywood superstar Steve McQueen said this week that he would not consider any movie deal in the future, or even read a script, unless he was guaranteed a minimum of $5 million and 15% of the domestic gross. McQueen has agreed, however, to read a newspaper for only $2 million, and also local traffic signs for a fee that can be negotiated through his agent.
The British rock group The Who, Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendents in a $27 million class-action suit, because of a mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings were marred, however, when they broke for lunch, and four city councilmen were trampled to death.
Jane Curtin: Well, the 1970’s are in their final month, and with some thoughts on this decade and the one we’re about to enter, here’s Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken.
Al Franken: Thank you, Jane. Well, the “me” decade is almost over, and good riddance, and far as I’m concerned. The 70’s were simply 10 years of people thinking of nothing but themselves. No wonder we were unable to get together and solve any of the many serious problems facing our nation. Oh sure, some people did do some positive things in the 70’s – like jogging – but always for the wrong reasons, for their own selfish, personal benefit. Well, I believe the 80’s are gonna have to be different. I think that people are going to stop thinking about themselves, and start thinking about me, Al Franken. That’s right. I believe we’re entering what I like to call the Al Franken Decade. Oh, for me, Al Franken, the 80’s will be pretty much the same as the 70’s. I’ll still be thinking of me, Al Franken. But for you, you’ll be thinking more about how things affect me, Al Franken. When you see a news report, you’ll be thinking, “I wonder what Al Franken thinks about this thing?”, “I wonder how this inflation thing is hurting Al Franken?” And you women will be thinking, “What can I wear that will please Al Franken?”, or “What can I not wear?” You know, I know a lot of you out there are thinking, “Why Al Franken?” Well, because I thought of it, and I’m on TV, so I’ve already gotten the jump on you. So, I say let’s leave behind the fragmented, selfish 70’s, and go into the 80’s with a unity and purpose. That’s what I think. I’m Al Franken. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Steve Marvin…..Harry Shearer Secretary…..Laraine Newman …..Howard Hesseman Ken Bleiman…..Bill Murray
[ open on Stereo 105 studio, disc jockey Steve Marvin bobbing his head at the console as Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” wraps up ]
Steve Marvin: Zep — “Stairway” — What a dynamite way to start off a morning! Hey! We kicked off this set wih Bob Segar — Rock ‘n Roll really does never forget, does it? Weird thing about Rock ‘N Roll!
[ as he patters, the station’s secretary enters the studio with Howard Hesseman in tow. Steve indicates for Howard to sit as he shakes his hand without missing a beat ]
Steve Marvin: And — uh — we squeezed, right in the middle there, Linda Ronstadt — “Heart Like a Wheel”, from 1975. Hey, that’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Good morning! From Stereo 105’s wild Madman of the Morning! I’m Steve Marvin, with you until Ten!
Cosole Voice: [ as Steve presses a switch ] I DON’T BELIIIIIIEEEEVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Will you get out of here! That’s a crazy guy over there! Hey! It’s 7:19 in the A.M., Stereo 105 Free the Hostages Time!
[ Steve pots it over to a commercial and turns to the Secretary ]
Steve Marvin: Yeah?
Secretary: Howard Hesseman, this is Steve Marvin.
[ they shake hands again ]
Howard Hesseman: Hi, how you doing there?
Steve Marvin: I’m doing GREAT! We’re #1 in the morning! You kidding me? You know, ratings don’t hurt!
Howard Hesseman: No.
Steve Marvin: [ as he switches out a record ] Hey — I love your show. It’s the BEST thing on the tube!
Howard Hesseman: [ flattered ] Oh — thanks. We have a lot of fun doing it.
Steve Marvin: Really? It looks like hard work.
Howard Hesseman: Well, it’s that, too, I —
Steve Marvin: Oh, yeah? [ he taps a pencil ] Well, that show and “Mork & Mindy” are the only two things worth watching on the tube — unless you’re, you know, a “60 Minutes” freak or something.
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. Well, I guess there are a few of those —
Steve Marvin: Hold it! [ he places his headphones on and leans into the mike ] Available at all Records Plus stores for only $5.99. You get MORE than records… at Records Plus! [ he removes his headphones ] Yeah — so, uh, how much time you got, Howard?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — they said it would be in about fifteen minutes, I guess…
Steve Marvin: [ stunned ] Wow! I am so far behind on commercials, man. I will TRY to give you a second segment because you’re a Network guy! Okay?
Secretary: [ to Howard ] Can I get you something?
Howard Hesseman: Uh — yeah, I could use some coffee real bad.
Secretary: Oh, God, I’m sorry. They don’t unlock the coffee machine until about Nine. We have Coke, Pepsi, uh… Two Fingers.
Howard Hesseman: [ interested ] Two Fingers, the tequila?
[ she smiles at Howard ]
Steve Marvin: Hold it! Hey, read this! [ he shoves a sheet of paper into Howard’s hands and thrusts the mike at his face ]
Howard Hesseman: Uh — [ reading ] Starts Friday at a Black Hole Showcase Theater near you. Check theaters for showtimes, and check your newspaper for theaters.
Steve Marvin: [ hitting the control buttons ] Great! Hey, that was dynamite! You could actually do this for a living! [ he chuckles ] So! What do you want to talk about — the show?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — yeah. You know, I’m on one of those promotional tours that the networks likes you to do, particularly when they’re moving your show to a weaker position for the second or third time —
Steve Marvin: [ busying himself with a record and not really paying attention ] Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: Often, on a different night. And they always do that right at the point where you’re really starting to get some good ratings.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well ratings don’t mean SQUAT! You know that better than anybody. Hey! Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll aks you what’s new about the show, you’ll tell me about the time change, uh, and you’ll tell me about being a disc jockey on the air. Alright?
Howard Hesseman: Fine. Uh — this mike?
Steve Marvin: Hold it. [ into his mike, as Howard tries to get his attention regarding which mike to use ] We have a guest this morning, here at Stereo 105, and it’s a joy to see him, and he MUST feel right at home here because he’s from WKRP in Cincinnati! On the show, he’s Dr. Johnny Fever, but to us he’s better known as plain ol’ Howard Hesseman. Howard, welcome!
Howard Hesseman: Thanks, Steve. Uh — it’s a little early in the morning for me to be saying “Thank you” to anyone, but… if I could mean it, I would.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Howard! It’s not too early for Dr. Johnny Fever, is it? He’s a morning guy at your station, am I right?
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. He’s — he’s one of those guys that’s just been in radio forever. [ Steve hand-motions Howard to move closer to the mike ] And — and — uh — [ Steve hand-motions him closer ] As time has turned on the wheel — [ Steve hand-motions him closer ] He finds himself playing — [ Steve hand-motions Howard to back up from the mike ] Rock ‘N Roll, and — [ Steve hand-motions Howard a little to the side, then gives him the Okay sign ] He’s doing a morning drive-time shift. You know, I — I just feel he’s the sort of person people really know.
Steve Marvin: Yeah.
Howard Hesseman: He’s really a radio man!
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well I’m a radio man, and I’ve never done anything but play Rock ‘N Roll in the morning — it’s amazing! Howard, I LOVE the show, bit I gotta ask ya’: When you’re doing your show on The show… you don’t wear the earphones. How come?
Howard Hesseman: Uhh — artistic license! [ he chuckles, as Steve begins to busy himself with radio equipment ] We’re doing a TV show — it’s not a radio station, you know? And, basically, you’re just trying to let the audience hear the music along with us, ’cause we think music’s an important part of the show.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: So if I’ve got earphones on, then nobody else can hear the music, right?
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh. [ now rejoining the conversation ] Well, you have an improvisational background — Howard Hesseman, of course, who we’re talking with this morning. Maybe we should do a little business, take a couple of commercials — when we come back, do some nutty stuff with the Madman of the Morning. Whaddaya think?
Howard Hesseman: [ unenthusiastically ] Maybe.
Steve Marvin: Hey, before we do that… what;s your opinion of this whole Iran thing, huh? [ he turns away to attend to other equipment ]
Howard Hesseman: Well… uh… I was watching a lot of television, you know, on Thanksgiving Day, and, uh… it’s strange, all these big inflatable animals and fantasy characters —
Steve Marvin: The Macy’s Parade, and all that.
Howard Hesseman: Yeah. And, uh — I’m thinking, uh, if the Iranians are really monitoring our television broadcasts to see what the reaction is in this country to what’s going on over there… uh, then they’re probably developing some really bizarre notions about our religious rights.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well ALL our rights, probably — the whole First Amendment’s shot. Hey! Howard Hesseman is in with us, and speaking of Rights — We’ll be… right back!
Howard Hesseman: Nice.
[ newsman Ken Bleiman enters the studio ]
Ken Bleiman: Sounds great out there!
Steve Marvin: Oh, yeah? Great!
Ken Bleiman: Howard’s level could be up a little more, it sounds like he’s far away.
Steve Marvin: Uhh — it’s the same ol’ problem with the mikes. Hey! Howard, this is the guy who does our news on our morning show — Ken Bleiman.
[ Howard reaches up to shake Ken’s hand ]
Ken Bleiman: You know, Howard, the one thing wrong with your show… is that the news director walks around in a suit. Nobody would ever do that on the radio.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. [ laughing ] Well, he doesn’t always wear a suit.
Ken Bleiman: Oh, yeah? Well, that’s good. That’s probably more realistic not to do it all the time.
[ Ken begins to set up his news stand in an adjacent corner of the studio ]
Steve Marvin: Howard, do you do characters? ‘Cause if you do voices, you know, like a Howard Cosell? I do, uh — Ken can vouch me on this — I do a GREAT Frank Gifford —
Ken Bleiman: He’s a great Gifford.
Steve Marvin: Thank you, Ken! [ to Howard ] And, if you did a Cosell, we could get nutty, you know?
Howard Hesseman: [ on the spot ] Yeah, I-I-I-I don’t do Howard Cosell. I barely do Howard Hesseman. [ Steve laughs condescendingly, hoping to get what he wants ] But, listen, man — it’s your show. I’ll do whatever you want. [ trying to change the subject ] W-what’s the next record? Maybe we could —
Steve Marvin: Well, we don’t have another record until the news — or, after the news.
Ken Bleiman: Uh — and I’m gonna run a little late this morning. I got a tape of a guy who was a Rent-a-Cop at the Who concert.
Steve Marvin: Oh. Great!
[ Ken readies himself for the commercial break to end ]
Ken Bleiman: You know, that’s another thing, Howard: Uh — do you mind if I call you “Howard”?
Howard Hesseman: Beats calling me “Phil”.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Hey, that is very blithe! [ seriously ] Is that yours?
[ Howard nods ]
Ken Bleiman: You know — anyway, the strange thing is, a lot of strange stuff happens when you’re doing radio news that you guys never cover. Like yesterday. I’m in here, and I come in to do the news report, and the AP wire breaks down, like, two minutes before? And I had to use the weather report from the day before. And I got away with it!
[ Howard nods politely ]
Steve Marvin: Hold it! [ into the mike ] Hey! We are sitting here chewing the fat with one of my favorite guys from radio-via-TV, here on Stereo 105 — Howard Hesseman! Howard was just telling me during the commercial — of course, we listen to the commercials, but you were telling me in between them — that you do this Howard Cosell bit that you want to share with the folks! Let’s hear it!
Howard Hesseman: Yeah, I — I don’t think that’s actually what I said, Steve. But, uh… if you want me to butcher Howard Cosell so you can do your Frank Gifford bit… I’m game.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing through his embarrassment ] Howard’s pulling my leg a little bit because I put him on the spot — it’s a little early this morning, and I understand it! Hey, we are doing something pretty important, Howard, that maybe it could be a, uh, story for one of your shows. I don’t know, where do you guys get your ideas for the show?
Howard Hesseman: Well, uh, some of our writers, uh, worked in radio. [ Steve is busy prepping his controls, not paying attention ] You know. And, uh, a lot of times we just take old “Dick Van Dyke” scripts and change the plot.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh. What we’re doing is, we’re giving away armbands that say “Free The Hostages”, and, uh, I’m sure what you’d like to do is, stick around after the show, maybe autograph fifty or a hundred of ’em. And uh, we could auction them off, you know, raise some money, send the money over to the hostages — just FORWARD it over to them — and let ’em know that the Americans are behind them and, uh — I know I’m putting you on the spot a little bit.
Howard Hesseman: You — you’re gonna forward the money to the hostages?
Steve Marvin: [ not grasping Howard’s confusion ] Yeah. Or, uh, open a trust fund for them. Something like that.
Howard Hesseman: Trust fund?
Steve Marvin: Sure.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. Uh — well, if that makes sense to you. Uh — I guess politics don’t make that much sense to me any more.
Steve Marvin: Well, I’ll tell ya’ — at 7:26 in the morning, nothing makes much sense! Especially when you’re fighting that traffic. And that’s the great thing about radio, Howard. You see, the —
[ Howard impatiently lunges forward and pins Steve’s neck so he can get a sensible word in edgewise. Steve repeatedly motions Howard toward a sheet of paper in his hand, information that desperately needs to get on the air. ]
Howard Hesseman: Steve, one of the other things that’s really great about radio — and it’s a cliche, but it’s true — it utilizes the imagination of the listener! And that’s what’s going on in the studio, see? It’s not — it’s a lot DIFFERENT from what you THINK when you’re listening at home! And that’s what’s fun about doing “WKRP”, Steve, ’cause we get to SHOW the audience that! We get to fill in the GAPS in their imaginations! You know, Steve?
[ Howard releases his grip ]
Steve Marvin: Hey! Thanks for filling in for me, Howard! Because I just had to rush over to the traffic control center for this bulletin: [ he points to his throat and gives an okay-signal to Ken ] The, uh, Eisenhower Expressway is a mess this morning — uh, avoid Eisenhower if you can, use an alternate.
Howard Hesseman: Uh-huh. That would have been great then.
Steve Marvin: [ confused ] What, you mean earlier this morning?
Howard Hesseman: No, in the Fifties.
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] The whole Eisenhower thing! [ he honks a prop horn ] You are too fast for me, Howard Hesseman! That is why you’re on TV and I’m on morning radio, I bet! Hey! I can’t thank you enough for being with us. I guess next time you’re on radio, we’ll be seeing you on TV, huh? [ he dings a bell ]
Howard Hesseman: Uh — unless, uh, I’m on the radio doing a radio show like this.
Steve Marvin: Uh-huh.
Howard Hesseman: In which case —
Cosole Voice: [ as Steve presses a switch ] I DON’T BELIIIIIIEEEEVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!
Steve Marvin: [ laughing ] Will you let him alone? He’s a guest!
[ Steve honks the prop horn again and pots the controls to a commercial ]
Steve Marvin: Hey, that was GREAT! That’s the best interview I’ve ever done. Swear to God.
Howard Hesseman: [ flattered ] Really?
Steve Marvin: Thank you.
Howard Hesseman: Well, strangely enough, you know, we never did mention the fact that our show is being moved in the time schedule, so, uh — I think that’s the reason they asked me to come here.
Steve Marvin: Oh, well, I wouldn’t worry about it, man, ’cause I’ll mention it in the next hour. You know, more people are listening then, anyway — it’s rush hour.
Howard Hesseman: Oh, great. Well, I gotta go now. Uh, listen — thanks a lot. I hate to fly out in the face of a good rush.
Steve Marvin: Yeah, well —
[ Steve pots the controls and points to Ken for the news ]
[ as Ken delivers the news, Steve stands to shake Howard’s hand goodbye, then they exchange a series of hand signals as Howard makes his exit from the studio ]
Ken Bleiman: Good morning. The news, for Stereo 105. I’m Ken Bleiman. And the question this morning seems to be: Are rock groups responsible for the violence that occurs at their concerts. One man who thinks so, is a man named Frank Putnam.
[ pull back on scene, as SUPER appears: “coming up next… Will the CIA Overthrow Santa Claus?” ]
[ open on footage of the nuclear reactors at Three Mile Island, over bouncy music ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for… “The Nuclear Family”.
[ title card appears over a lone house situated between two large nuclear reactors ]
[ dissolve to interior, living room ]
[ Mom enters room yawning, still in her overnight robe. She lightly dusts a lampshade before sitting down on the couch ]
[ Dad enters ]
Dad: [ groggy-voiced ] Hey, I’m home.
Mom: Oh hi, honey! How was work?
Dad: Oh, okay. I’m just bushed. I sure am glad the plant’s nearby — if it was any further, I-I think I’d just have to… [ he collapses into a chair along the wall ] get another job.
Mom: Well, why don’t you make yourself a drink?
Dad: [ he stands ] No, no, no. I’m really too tired. [ he moves over to sit next to his wife on the couch ] How was your day?
Mom: Fine. Fine. I just got up a little while ago.
Dad: Oh, yeah. [ he begins to fiddle with a tooth ] I think this one’s gonna be gone by morning. [ he pulls the tooth out ] No.
Mom: Oh. Another one. Oh golly, honey. [ she nearly loses her train of thought ] Oh, uh, by the way — we’ve been invited over to dinner with the Stelsons.
Dad: Again? [ she nods ] I don’t feel like going, honey. I have a cold.
Mom: Oh now, honey, you can’t use that excuse again.
Dad: But I AM sick! I’ve had this cold for months. I just can’t shake it.
Mom: Well, have you seen the company doctor?
Dad: Yeah. I must have been X-rayed a hundred times.
[ their Son enters the door, his arm in a sling ]
Billy: Hi.
Mom: Hi, Son! What happened to you?
Dad: You hurt yourself in practice?
Billy: Not exactly. I was in the locker room at school, and I pulled my t-shirt over my head and heard this snap. I think I broke my arm.
Mom: Ohhhhh, well, well, Mr. Briitle Bones!
Dad: Ah, sometimes I think you’ll do anything to get out of helping us around the house so he can spend more time with that girlfriend of his!
Billy: Come on, Dad.
[ he sits next to his dad on the couch ]
[ Dad laughs playfully and pats the boy’s head, accidentally pulling a clump of hair loose from the back ]
Mom: Listen, how is Janie, anyway? I haven’t seen her around here. Did you two have a fight? She used to be around here all the time.
Billy: Aw, she hasn’t been feeling too well lately.
Mom: Ohhh. I hope it’s not too serious. [ she scratches her hair and pulls out a clump attached to a roller ] She’s such a cute girl.
Dad: The boy spends TOO much time with her, if you ask me. Now, maybe he’ll pay more attention to his school work. By the way, Billy — I think I can pull a few strings and get you a job at the plant this summer.
Billy: I don’t know, Dad. Could we talk about that later? I’m really tired now. [ he dozes off ]
Dad: [ surrendering ] Okay.
[ their daughter enters the front door ]
Daughter: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Mom: [ chuckling ] What took you so long?
Daughter: Oh, I rested on the way.
Mom: Don’t you have a big date tonight, honey?
Daughter: Oh, not any more. I told Ryan I couldn’t make it. [ she starts to pull clumps of hair from her head ]
Mom: Why not?
Daughter: I’m not going anywhere until my skin clears up! I don’t think it ever will.
Mom: Honey, ALL young girls your age go through this. If you’d just stop picking at that sore, it would go away!
Daughter: But I HAVEN’T been picking it, I SWEAR! It just won’t go away! I’m gonna start wearing a veil to school.
Mom: Why don’t you have a glass of lemonade? It’s got LOTS of sugar in it, it’ll pick you right up!
Daughter: No. I don’t think so. I feel a little queasy. I think I’m just gonna go to my room.
[ she exits the living room ]
Mom: Billy? Some lemonade?
Billy: [ thinking ] Yeah. I guess I could hold that down.
Mom: Then, why don’t you go fix it?
Billy: Okay.
[ Billy exits to the kitchen ]
Dad: Honey, uh, why don’t you just call the Stelsons, and just tell them that we’re not coming, okay?
Mom: Ohhh, no, honey. You’re not getting out of it this time.
Dad: Then, just let me get a little shuteye first, hmm? Could you turn out the light?
Mom: Okay, dear.
[ she crosses the room, turns out the light, then exits ]
[ reveal Dad laying asleep on the couch in the dark, as green light radiates from his chest ]
Announcer: Join us tomorrow for more fun with “The Nuclear Family”.
Air Date:
Summary: The world’s ugliest pair of designer shoes holds mass fashion appeal because it hails from France.
Summary: At an emergency meeting of the Teachers Union Strike Committee, Mr. Peskin (Martin Sheen) and fellow striking teachers weigh the pros and cons of the school board’s latest final offer.
Summary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks includes slams at “The Jerk” and “1941” and high praise for “Meatballs”. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that he’s the new spoesman for the Mr. Tea teamaking machine.
Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Bill Murray revisits Fannie, the dog he once loved.
Summary: Foreveready is no ordinary battery, and tough guy spokesman Robert Conrad (Martin Sheen) and his dad (Brian Doyle-Murray) are willing to take a barroom bully’s (Bill Murray) pummeling and taunting to prove that misbegotten claim.
Summary: After committing the perfect crime, kidnappers (Martin Sheen, Garrett Morris) try to maintain sole knowledge by killing their hostage (Jane Curtin) and all accidental witnesses who stumble into their hideout before they can make their escape.
Summary: The Minota AM3 camera takes great photos and brings people like Bruce (Martin Sheen) and Christy Jenner (Laraine Newman) together, even in the face of their impending divorce.
Summary: Actress Jane Curtin uses Martin Sheen’s saliva as her take-charge hairspray of choice.
