Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 9

79i: Teri Garr / The B-52’s

Caucus

George Bush…..Jim Downey
Mrs. Volger…..Teri Garr
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
John Connally…..Tom Davis
Kimberly…..Gilda Radner
Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Police Officer…..Garrett Morris
Howard Baker…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..John B. Anderson

[ open on exterior, Iowa farmhouse in the snow ]

Announcer: If anyone doubts that democracy still exists in America, let him look to the Iowa Precinct Caucuses, where individual households were able to participate in a meaningful way… in the process of choosing the next president of the United States.

[ SUPER: “Somewhere Near Mason City, Iowa – January 19, 1980” ]

[ dissolve to interior, farmhouse ]

[ Mrs. Volger sits on the couch, reading, as apron-clad George Bush enters carrying a load of laundry ]

George Bush: Mrs. Volger, I finished the wash, but I’m afraid I couldn’t get the jelly stain out of Kimberly’s clothes.

Mrs. Volger: Oh, Mr. Bush. You folded it. Such a dear. You know, I could have oe of the other candidates take that upstairs and put it away.

[ SUPER: “George Bush – Republican” ]

George Bush: No. I’m not the sort of person who starts a job and walks away from it. I took the laundry downstairs, I sorted it, I washed it, I dried it, I folded it; now, I want to put it away!

Mrs. Volger: Very nice of you.

[ Bush exits the living room, as Ted Kenendy enters through the front door carrying a snowshovel ]

[ SUPER: “Edward Kennedy – Democrat” ]

Ted Kennedy: Uh… Mrs. Volger, I, uh… I, uh, shoveled all the snow off the, uh, driveway. If the county snowplow dosn’t come by and, you know, plow the driveway and cover it up, your husband should have no trouble getting out of the, uh, garage.

Mrs. Volger: Well, are you alright?

Ted Kennedy: Well, I, uh… I, uh, slipped on the, uh, ince, and I seem to have, uh, reinjured my back.

Mrs. Volger: Oh. I’m sorry.

[ John Connally enters from the machine ]

John Connally: Uh… Mrs. Volger? Where do you keep the saucepans at?

Mrs. Volger: All the pans go in the cabinet under the stove.

[ SUPER: “John Connally – Republican” ]

John Connally: Alright. Uh, Senator Baker and I are just about through doing the dishes. Say, uh — What’s the matter with Senator Kennedy?

Mrs. Volger: Oh. He, uh… he slipped on the ice.

John Connally: You know… I’ve done a lot of traveling in this campaign, talking to folks all around this country… and there’s two things that keep coming up again and again. The American people do not want a president who’s too old to do the job, nor do they want a president who is simply accident-prone!

[ Kimberly enters, whining ]

Kimberly: Mom!

Mrs. Volger: Yes, Honey?

Kimberly: Mom, I have this Math test tomorrow, and I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand it!

Ted Kennedy: [ leaning in ] Uhhh — Is it multiplication, division and so forth?

Kimberly: Yeah!

Ted Kennedy: Well, I’m a little bit rusty in that are, but I, uh, would be happy to, uh, take the test for you.

Kimberly: Would you?! [ she hands her textbook over to him ]

Mrs. Volger: Uh, Senator… [ she retrieves the textbook ] Thank you, really, but I think this is something little Kimberly should do on her own.

Kimberly: Oh, Mom, come on! Come on!

John Connally: Kimberly? How would you like your very own pony?

Kimberly: Oh, would I! A pony! Great!

Mrs. Volger: Uh — Now, Governor Connally, Senator Kennedy… When our family agreed to meet the candidates personally, we had an understanding that certain kinds of campaigning were definitely off-limits, and I’m afraid — [ the phone rings ] Oh. Excuse me.

[ the candidates surround Kimberly as Mrs. Volger answers the phone ]

Mrs. Volger: Hello? Yes, Mr. President. Oh, yes, I tihnk she’ll do alright on her exam tomorrow, uh-huh. Oh, Amy was VERY helpful, she was. Uh-huh. Oh, um, I understand that you couldn’t make it, uh-huh, I do. Uh, look, Mr. President — uh, I hate to be rude, but we can’t keep tying up the line this way, so, um… Oh, yes, she’s here! She’s in scrubbing the bathorom floor. Uh, I’ll get her. Just a minute. [ calling out ] Rosalynn? Telephone!

[ Rosalynn Carter rushes out ]

Rosalynn Carter: For me?

Mrs. Volger: Uh, yes, it’s the President again.

Rosalynn Carter: Oh, goodie! [ she grabs the phone ] Hi, honey! Yes, they understand — You have to be in Washington. Well, I was just scrubbing the bathroom floor with Congressman Crane. Honey, you know, that man is so full of — Well, he’s just about the freshest man I’ve ever met. It’s really unbelievable. Oh, don’t worry — I’ll just tell him to keep his hands to himself. Uh, yes, we really should get off. Uh-huh. I love you, too! We’re gonna win! [ she giggles coquettishly ] Bye bye! [ she hangs up and turns to Mrs. Volger ] Well, Jimmy says he’ll try to call you tomorrow to find out how Kimberly does on the test. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

Mrs. Volger: Well, my daughter Ellen should be finished with band practice soon. You could take the car and pick her up.

Ted Kennedy: Uh… I, uh, would be, uh, glad to take the car and pick her up.

Mrs. Volger: Uhhh… No, Senator Kennedy, I think… I think it would be better if Rosalynn took the car. Why don’t you just rest your back, relax here for a while?

Ted Kennedy: Okay. Fine.

Rosalynn Carter: I’ll be back in half-an-hour.

Mrs. Volger: Alright. Thank you.

[ Rosalynn Carter exits the house, as George Bush re-enters the front room ]

George Bush: Mrs. Volger?

Mrs. Volger: Yes?

George Bush: I took all the sheets and towels and put them in the hall closet. I took the socks, sorted them, put them in the drawer. THere was some underwear — I didn’t know whose it was, so I left it on the bed.

Mrs. Volger: Oh… well, uh, Mr. Bush, you have been running around all day like a madman! Why don’t you sit down and rest for a while?

George Bush: No. That is just not my style. Let the other candidates rest. I look around the house and I see SO MUCH that needs doing! So much change that needs to be done! You know… when I was bringing in the kids’ bikes from the garage the other day, I noticed some paint peeling on the house. Now, we could all get up early in the morning, we could drop a tarp, we could start scraping, we could start painting… we could paint that house, we could get the job done!

Ted Kennedy: [ standing ] Uh, I-I couldn’t help overhearing Mr. Bush’s proposal, uh… I would like to say that I think it is unwise to, uh, attemtp to paint the house, uh, at this time of the year.

John Connally: [ jumping in ] For once, I’d like to, uh, AGREE with Senator Kennedy. Like we like to say in Texas, it’s just too damn cold!

Mrs. Volger: [ laughing ] I see!

[ the doorbell rings ]

[ Mrs. Volger opens the door to reveal a police officer ]

Mrs. Volger: Oh! Come in, Officer.

Police Officer: Hey, I’m sorry to bother, Mrs. Volger, but we had a report that Congressman John B. Adam — Anderson, rather, excuse me! — was sighted in the area. Uh, we had to check it out. Have you seen him, by any chance?

Mrs. Volger: Well, Officer, we have ALL of the candidates here in the last two days, but I haven’t seen Congressman Anderson at all. Do you happen to know what he looks like?

Police Officer: I’m afraid I don’t, Ma’am. We don’t even have enough on him to do a composite sketch.

Mrs. Volger: I see. [ to her guests ] Well, has anyone here seen Congressman Anderson?

Politicians: No… no… no…

Kimberly: Mom? Isn’t that Congressman Anderson cleaning out the humidifier upstairs?

Mrs. Volger: Oh! [ she laughs ] No, honey, that’s Senator Dole! I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, Officer. If we see anyone that we don’t recognize, we’ll will let you know.

Police Officer: Uh, thanks, Ma’am. And here’s a number to call.

Mrs. Volger: Oh. Thank you.

[ the Officer exits, as Howard Baker enters from the kitchen ]

[ SUPER: “Sen. Howard Baker – Republican” ]

Howard Baker: Uh, Mrs. Volger? I finished washing the dishes. If Governor Connally would be good enough to dry them — as he promised — we could get on to other, more important tasks.

John Connally: [ grabbing a glass from Baker ] Well, for a man who’d like to run this country’s government, you do a DAMN poor job of washing glasses!

Howard Baker: Well, I’ll tell you something, my friend: It happens to be VERY difficult to concentrate on washing a water glass when you’re concerned about the FATE of FIFTY American hostages over in Iran!

Mrs. Volger: Now, Senator Baker! I think we’re all — ALL the candidates are concerned about the hostages in Iran —

Howard Baker: Not as much as ME!! Not as much as ME!!

[ suddenly, Governor Connally drops the water glass he was drying ]

John Connally: Oh, look at me!

Ted Kennedy: That’s a, uh, smooth move, Mr. Connally. Uhhh… maybe i’m not, uh, not the only candidate who is, uh, accident-prone around here!

John Connally: Well, nobody DROWNED, did they?! I didn’t see little Kimberly, here, DROWN because I dropped the glass!

Ted Kennedy: You’re gonna pay for that!

[ Kennedy starts to strangle Connally, then stops when he throws his back worse ]

Mrs. Volger: Could everyone just take it EASY?! Listen! I’m afraid if we don’t keep it down, we’re going to wake up Governor Reagan — and he needs his rest!

John Connally: Well, Kennedy started it!

Mrs. Volger: Who cares who started it? I’m sure that a year from now, we’re all gonna look back at this and, uh, laugh! A year from now!

[ Senator Kennedy laughs ]

[ dissolve to exterior of house, with irised footage of each candidate ]

Announcer: George Bush: Suffered a massive hernia while helping a New Hampshire farmer remove a tree stump from his property.

Senator Edward Kennedy: Withdrew from the race after humiliating defeat in the Massachusetts Primary.

John Connally: Forced out of the race after his indictment on two counts of first degree murder.

Senator Howard Baker: Found in a motel room during the Wisconsin Primary with Congressman Crane.

Ronald Reagan: Forced to withdraw from the race for lying about his age. He was 94.

Jimmy Carter: Re-nominated by acclimation, but lost the General Election, due to Soviet takeover of Afghanistan, Yugoslavia, France and Scotland.

John B. Anderson: Elected 40th President of the United States.

[ image opens up to reveal Anderson seated among the audience in the balcony, as the camera zooms out with sUPER: “coming up next: Summer Olympics Garage Sale” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 26th, 1980

Teri Garr

The B-52s

None

John Anderson

Akira Yoshimura

Sarah Paley

Max Pross
Sarducci in TokyoSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) is jailed in his attempt to land an interview with Paul McCartney in Tokyo.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Teri Garr’s MonologueSummary: Teri Garr is anxious to get her hosting duties started.

Transcript

Craig’s Traveler’s ChecksSummary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.

Note: Repeat from 79a.

CaucusSummary: Desperate for votes in Iowa, George Bush (Jim Downey), Ted Kennedy (Bill Murray), and other presidential candidates perform odd chores for Mrs. Volger (Teri Garr).

Recurring Characters: George Bush, Ted Kennedy, Rosalynn Carter.

Transcript

Debs Behind BarsSummary: Spoiled rich girls find that life in prison is tough and a major bummer.

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Rock Lobster”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Sports commentator “Big” Vic Ricker (Harry Shearer) discusses the Olympic boycott. Laraine Newman interviews colleg student Scott Gunderson (Peter Aykroyd) about the military draft. Al Franken updates America on his decade and advises them to buy gold in order to further his own gold investments.

Recurring Characters: Vic Ricker.

Anchovy Council of AmericaSummary: Members of the Anchovy Council seek outside suggestions for improving anchovy use throughout America.

Bad PlayhouseSummary: Lady Pinth-Garnell (Laraine Newman) presents a bad production of “The Great Mr. Potato Head Famine”.

Recurring Characters: Ronnie Bateman.

Baby MogulSummary: Baby mogul Paula Kirsch (Laraine Newman) wants to cast her mother (Teri Garr) in Marilyn Mazelman’s (Gilda Radner) “Little Bo Peep” picture.

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: Psychiatrist Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill off of Skid Row by hypnotizing him into visits of past traumas.

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Dance This Mess Around”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8

79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

Nerds’ Nativity

Mr. Dunwoody…..Ted Knight
Miss Hartwood…..Cheryl Hardwick
Barry…..Al Franken
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Donkey…..Alan Zweibel
Belinda…..Laraine Newman
Cow…..Peter Aykroyd
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Artie…..Paul Shaffer
Angel…..Harry Shearer
Shepherds…..Jim Downey, Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Wise Man…..Tom Davis
Grant Robinson, Jr…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Christmas pageant setting, as Mr. Dunwoody approaches the main stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright! Settle down, boys and girls! We need everyone’s cooperation! The Christmas Pageant is a tradition here, at Gus Grisham High. We’ve always put on a great show, and we’re gonna do it again NOW! Of course, we’ve missed a couple of rehearsals due to snow days… so it’s going to be rough. Now, I know you’re nervous, but that’s why we have the dress rehearsals. Okay? So let’s try to go through it with as few interruptions as possible.

Barry: [ standing ] Uh — w-what do you mean, Mr. Dunwoody?

Mr. Dunwoody: What you’re doing.

Barry: Well, thank you, Sir.

Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t be a wise guy, Barry.

Barry: But I’m playing a wise man, Sir!

[ the other teenagers groan ]

Mr. Dunwoody: You know what I mean, Barry! [ Barry sits ] Now, let’s be on our best behavior, alright? Listen to your fellow actors and… PRO-JECT!! Alright? Alright, Miss Hartwood — music, please?

[ Mr. Dunwoody steps over to the podium, as Miss Hartwood plays the piano ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “Now it came to pass in those days… that Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem… to be taxed with Mary, who was great with child.”

[ Joseph, Mary and a donkey enter the stage, as played by Todd, Lisa and Artie ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Wo! Easy there. Anybody home?! Anybody? [ Belinda enters ] Uh, yes — you got any room at the inn, or what?

Belinda: “Sorry. No room at the inn.”

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, that’s too bad. I heard you have color TV.

Lisa Loopner: [ breaking character ] Todd! Todd, say the line!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes — But, uh, my wife… is great with pillow.

Belinda: “Anyway… there’s no room at the inn, so get your — [ stifling a laugh ] your donkey out of here!”

[ Todd cracks up laughing ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Will you step to the, uh — just stay with the script, please, or I’ll see you at detention! please! Stay with the script.

Belinda: I see your plight, and take pity on you. Come with me. [ she crosses the stage ] You can sleep here in the stable.

Cow: Moo-oo-oo-oo! Moo-oo-oo-oo!

Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, Cow! Where is your head?

Belinda: [ laughing ] He forgot it because it wasn’t attached!

[ the other teenagers laugh ]

Cow: I can’t see in it. The eye holes are in the wrong place.

Mr. Dunwoody: [ aghast ] Costumes?

[ Mrs. Loopner runs up ]

Mrs. Loopner: It’s my fault! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: Now, the trick is… you gotta put it on… [ she places the cow head over her head ] And you look through the nostrils. See? Moo!

Mr. Dunwoody: Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: My goodness.

Lisa Loopner: You’re not taking this seriously, Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: Yes. Well, uh… someone who may or may not be an agnostic, like myself, you know — there’s something about me that tells me that I might have a little trouble buying this pillow story of our, you know —

Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Let’s continue, shall we? Your parents will be here in 45 minutes. The REAL performance? Now, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? Alright. You ready? [ Lisa stands ] “She brought forth her first-born son.”

[ Artie steps forward with a drum and miscued beats, as Lisa turns to remove her pillow and hold up a baby doll ]

Lisa Loopner: You’re ruining it, Artie! Come on, do it!

Mr. Dunwoody: “She wrapped him in swaddling clothes.”

Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! Somebody swiped the swaddling cloth!

[ Todd steps forward with the swaddling cloth wrapped over his head ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Oy, excuse me, Ma’am? Did you lose something…?

[ Lisa swipes the swaddling cloth from Todd’s head ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

Mr. Dunwoody: I’m warinnig you, Todd! [ he continues ] “Then she lay Him in the manger.”

[ Lisa lays the baby doll in the manger ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Mr. Dunwoody, this looks like a girl doll to me.

Lisa Loopner: Ugh! Todd’s obviously never heard of acting!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Todd. I’m WARNING you! I don’t want to hear another peep out of you, alright?

Todd DiLaMuca: [ covering his mouth ] Pee-eep!

Mr. Dunwoody: I’m NOT going to warn you again, Todd! I mean it this time! Alright — shepherds, angels and sheeps, set yourselves.

[ shepherds, angels, and sheep climb on stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And there were shepherds abiding the fields, watching their flocks by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto them.”

[ the angel stands, with a flashligh shining into his eyes ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And the angel said unto them:…”

Angel: “Behold! I bring you glad tidings of great joy, for theere is born you this daya Savior who is Christ our Lord!”

Mr. Dunwoody: “And the shepherds said, one to another:…”

Shepherds: [ out-of-sync ] “Let us go now… onto… Bethlehem…”

[ the sheep begin to wander the stage ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Sheep! Sheep, Sheep! You’re followers, not leaders! [ he continues ] “And they found Mary and Joseph and the babe lying in the manger.” Lying in the manger!

Todd DiLaMuca: [ singing ] “Oh, hark the herald angels sing, glory to –“

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: I can’t — I don’t have the scissors, goofy…

Lisa Loopner: You’re gonna GET IT, Todd! Mr. Dunwoody’s really getting MAD at you!

Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, DiLaMuca! That does it!

[ Artie beats the drums as Mr. Dunwoody approaches Todd ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Consider yourself warned!

[ Mr. Dunwoody retusn to his podium ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. “Behold, Wise Men from the East came.” [ nothing happens ] Wise Men, where are you?!

[ Barry and Grant Robinson, Jr. run up on stage with another student playing the third Wise Man ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “Saying…” [ nothing ] Wise Men, “Saying…”

Grant Robinson,, Jr.: Uh — uh — “Where is He, that is born King of the Jews? We saw your star in the East, and are here to worship Him.”

Mr. Dunwoody: [ eyes rolling ] Well done, Wise Men. [ he continues ] “And, when they saw the child with Mary, His mother, they fell down.”

[ the Wise Men fall forward before the manger ]

Mr. Dunwoody: “And worshipped him… and offered unto him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. But, there was one who had no gift to offer… so he gave what he could.”

[ Artie begins to pound an extended beat onto his drum ]

Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. [ Artie continues ] Alright! [ Artie finishes with a rim shot ] “And when the little drummer boy was finished… they all gathered round the Baby Jesus and his mother, and silently adored him.”

[ the teenagers stare down at the baby doll, heavy nasal breathing coming from among the Wise Men ]

Todd DiLaMuca: If you guys were really wise, you’d have brought some gold, frankincense and Dristan!

[ aggravated, Lisa stands ]

Lisa Loopner: Stop it! Stop it, I can’t stand this any more! This is the most beautiful of the greatest story ever told, and you’re RUINING it! We shouldn’t be acting silly like this! This is the — this is the MESSAGE of Christmas’s Peace On Earth, good will to men AND women — doesn’t that MEAN anything to ANY of you?! [ sobbing ] Well, it does to me!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ stepping forward ] Oh… now, now, now, now, now… alright.

Lisa Loopner: I’m sorry, Mr. Dunwoody, I just HAD to!

Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t — don’t cry, Mare.

Todd DiLaMuca: [ stepping forward ] Forgive me, Lisa… for acting like such a child, but you make such a perfect Mary that it’s spooky! You know? I mean, I happen to know that you’re one of the few girls here at Gus Grisham High who is, uh, physically correct for this part. Well, Lisa, I hope you find some forgiveness in your heart when I say that I’d love nothing more than to… [ singing, as he pounds her head ] Deck your head with Christmas noogies! That’s right, my dear — a little early this year, my dear!

Mr. Dunwoody: [ giving up ] Miss Hartwood? Miss Hartwood, let’s have the music for the finale, please! [ she begins to play the piano ] Now, sing out, everybody — animals, too!

[ the entire group breaks into a Christmas carol, as the camera pulls back on the scene and we FADE ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8

79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

Ted Knight’s Monologue

…..Ted Knight

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ted Knight!

Ted Knight: [ deep-voiced ] Hi, guys! [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh!

[ Knight picks up an arrow from a stool, places it over his head, then shimmies like Steve Martin ]

[ Knight then picks up a glass of water, sips, then spits before spilling the water across the microphone ]

Oh! [ he laughs with mock embarrassment ] I spilled some!

[ Knight grabs the microphone and is comically electrocuted ]

[ he releases his grip, catches his breath, then lunges for the microphone so he can be further electrocuted as he laughs heartily ]

I LOVE IT!! [ a beat ] If I may take a moment to be serious… Steve Martin — I know you’re watching, he never misses the show — Steve, I… I hate to spring this on you this way, but — well, I hope you’re sitting down. Because this is very hard for me, and it’s… it’s not something I’m proud of, Steve. But it’s pointless to hide it any longer because… comedy genes will tell, in the end. [ he grabs the high microphone ] Would you fix this, please? [ he himself lowers it ] Thank you. [ he slips on a pair of Groucho glasses ] Steve… it’s in your blood. It’s in MY blood. It’s in OUR blood. Son. [ he removes the glasses ] That’s right, Steve — I’m your father. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] This isn’t funny! I had to come clean because it’s Christmas. Because of all those other Christmases when I couldn’t be there to help a lonely little boy in a white suit with white hair, to make him understand why he was… different. That’s right, Steve! Because, you know, in my youth I was kind of a ramblin’ guy. I rambled into Texas… and your mother. Steve — Son — Stevie! — my boy! It’s true, it’s true! All I can say to your mom and the guy who thinks he’s your dad is… “Excuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!!!”

[ the audience cheers ]

Steve, I know it’s tacky to tell you on national television, but I had to let you know. Marry Christmas, Son, from Daddy. Oh, boy! I got it off my chest! If you only knew how relieved I am! Whoo! I feel much lighter! Thanks a lot. I feel so good, from my head right down to my… HAPPY FEET!!

[ Knight breaks into Steve Martin’s “Happy Feet” dance ]

We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

A Message From Bob Kopp

Bob Kopp…..Ted Knight

[ SUPER: “A Message From Bob Kopp” ]

Bob Kopp: During this holiday season, your local police department would like to remind you to watch your handbag. And watch your wallet, keep an eye on your packages, and be sure to watch your step. Watch your mouth! Don’t be standing around, just mind your own business! Don’t go looking for trouble! Stay out of the way, don’t touch anything, don’t move anything! Bring it up, move it along, no loitering, get going or I’ll run you in! And you’d better watch out, Merry Christmas, I’m telling you what!!

Announcer: This has been a Christmas Message from your Local Police Department.

SNL Transcripts

“Java Junkie”

Written and directed by: Tom Schiller

Joe…..Peter Aykroyd
Waitress…..Teri Garr

[ SUPER: “Java Junkie” ]

[ dissolve to Joe entering his usual diner in the morning ]

Joe V/O: It was one of those mornings when nothing felt right. The night before, my girlfriend Betty said she wanted to call it quits. And I’d just been fired from my job. I felt mixed up – confused.

Waitress: Morning, Joe! How you doing? What’ll you have, the usual?

Joe: Just coffee, I’m not hungry.

Waitress: Oh, boy, that’s a switch. I never saw you pass up breakfast. One coffee, coming right up.

Joe V/O: Yeah, it was strange. I had no appetite. I just wanted coffee. Cuban, black coffee. I kept thinking about Betty, and the look on her face when she said goodbye.

[ music intensifies, as Joe orders another coffee ]

Joe V/O: I ordered a second cup; it tasted good. Then I ordered a third, and fourth. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself.

[ music intensifies, as the coffee cups stack up around Joe ]

Joe V/O: Then.. I knew I had become.. a Java Junkie.

Waitress: [ echo ] Hey, Joe.. you gotta go.. You okay..?

Joe: Couln’t I just have one more cup? Please?

Waitress: Sorry, Joe. There ain’t no more. You gotta go.

[ Joe is escorted out the door, as the lights go out ]

Joe V/O: I had to pump that rich caffeine into my system, and fast!

[ Joe walks the streets in search of coffee, going from one diner to the next ]

[ visions of a prostitute holding a cup of coffee tempt Joe in his mind ]

Prostitute: [ sing-song ] Joe-oe.. have a cup of coffee, Joey-ey.. Hey, Joey! Come on, Joey! Joey!

[ Joe searches frantically for that elusive cup of coffee ]

Joe: My God! Where are you?!

Prostitute: [ laughing sadistically ]

Joe: Where are you?! Come back! I need that coffee! My coffee! I want that coffee!

[ sirens ]

Joe: Coffeeeeeeeee!!

[ slow pan across hospital complex ]

Joe V/O: Well, they found me that night, and threw me into this place – Maxwell House. A medical treatment center for caffeine addiction, where I was place under observation and treated. After seven weeks, I was fully decaffeinated, and ready to re-enter society.

[ Joe enters his old coffee shop ]

Joe V/O: When I stopped back in my old coffee shop, I was a changed man, that’s for sure.

Waitress: Joe! Long time time, no see. What’ll you have?

Joe: Just a cup of, uh, hot water, please.

Waitress: One hot water, coming right up.

Joe: Thanks!

Joe V/O: I felt like a million bucks; I got a new job, Betty said she wanted to see me again, and that old java monkey was off my back forever.

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

Grievance Board

Executive #1…..Bill Murray
Miss Hoben…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Kramer…..Ted Knight
Executive #2…..Harry Shearer
Executive #3…..Garrett Morris
Miss Crane…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Grievance Board Room ]

Executive #1: Hello, Miss Hoban. First, I’d like to.. we’d all like to thank you for bringing your complaint to the Grievance Board. Sexual harrassment is an important problem to any public corporation like Chudd, and we feel a responsibility to nip this in the bud.

Executive #3: Mmm-hmm.

Miss Hoban: Well, I’m glad you feel that way, Mr. Merkan. As a matter of fact, I was a little nervous about coming here, and telling you all the sordid details.

Executive #1: Nonsense. We love the sordid details! But, seriously, we’d like you just to sit down and relax, please make yourself at home, and everything is going to be kept strictly confidential. But please speak freely.

Miss Hoban: [ composes herself ] Well, ever since I’ve started working with Mr. Kramer, he’s been making sexual advances.

Executive #1: Such as?

Miss Hoban: Well, uh.. my first day on the job, I was on my tiptoes watering his plants, and he came up behind me and rubbed aganst me. I was so shocked, I couldn’t say anything.

Executive #1: Well, I can understand that.

Miss Hoban: Then, the next day, I was taking dictation.. and he dropped a paper clip down the front of my blouse, and offered to get it.

Executive #1: That’s not very fun. Is it?

Miss Hoban: Then, the next week, he turned up the heat on the radiator – all the way up – and he gave me dictation in the nude, pacing back and forth.

Executive #2: Well, that does go against the President’s energy guidelines.

Executive #1: Let’s not make any judgments until we’ve heard the full story. Please continue.

Miss Hoban: Well, by the third week, Mr. Kramer took me out to lunch, and asked me to go to am otel with him. He said if I’d put out, he’d give me a raise and a promotion.

Miss Crane: Well, what did you do, honey?

Miss Hoban: I refused, of course.

Miss Crane: Oh, alright.

Miss Hoban: Well, that was six months ago. And, since then, I’ve seen three other women advanced ahead of me – all of whom have slept with Mr. Kramer.

Executive #1: Well, those are pretty serious charges. I think we should probably get Mr. Kramer in here, see what he has to say to all this. [ into intercom ] Karen, honey, would you send in Mr. Kramer?

Intercom: [ sultry whisper ] You bet.

[ Mr. Kramer hastily enters the boardroom ]

Executive #1: Thank you for coming, Roger – I mean, Mr. Kramer. I’m sure you’re aware this is an inquiry, not a trial. We just want to get the facts straight, so we can understand.

Mr. Kramer: [ nervous ] First, let me say that I’m totally innocent, and I’ve never even met this woman.

Miss Hoban: Mr. Kramer, I’ve been your secretary for six months!

Mr. Kramer: Well, I’d like to see some proof of that!

Miss Hoban: Well, it just so happens that I have an old dictation tape that I think this board might be interested in. [ removes tape from purse, presses Play button ]

Mr. Kramer’s Voice: And.. I look forward to hearing from you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Best regards, Roger A. Kramer. [ pause ] Okay, Amy – once you get that done, why don’t you take off your pants and come into my office!

Mr. Kramer: [ sweating ] Oh.. okay.. uh.. yes, I-I-I do remember you now.

Executive #1: Roger, Miss Hoben has leveled some pretty serious charges to you. She says that you are promoting only those women who give you sexual favors.

Mr. Kramer: [ stammering ] Oh, wait a minute, I think you’ve got a few things ass backwards here. I mean, if you don’t mind my saying so, sure, I admit it – I do occasionally have sex with female employees here at Chudd – sometimes in the offices during working hours, you know? I’m just a normal red-blooded American guy! But.. using promotions to get sex? [ chuckles ] That’s another thing.

Executive #1: Mr. Kramer, is it true that the only women that you’ve given promotions to in the last six months are women with whom you have had sex?

Mr. Kramer: Hey!

Executive #1: How about that, Roger?

Mr. Kramer: [ thinking ] Well.. can I help it if the most competent women in marketing happen to have a sexual attraction for me? I mean, it’s like Darwin! The sharp ones sense the power of my manhood, and want to tap my genetic storehouse!

Executive #2: He’s got a point there, Bob. I know the most competent gals in my area kind of have a little thing for me!

Executive #1: Well, Roger, I guess it gets down to this: Miss Hoban says.. that you told her that she’d get a promotion if she had sex with you. Is that true?

Mr. Kramer: Well..her word against mine?

Executive #1: I guess so.. yes.

Mr. Kramer: [ confident ] No-oh! She’s lying!

Miss Hoban: You slime! Don’t you people have any sense of decency?! Are women in this country simply prostitutes, is that it?! But instead of $50 a trick, you get an extra $500 a month? Well, if that’s the case, you’re no better than some pathetic johns wqho can’t get sex unless you’re paying for it!

Mr. Kramer: Alright. Wait.. just a minute. She’s.. she’s right.. I was lying. I.. I did tell her she’d get a promotion if she’d.. she’d put out. Um.. [ weeping pathetically ] I can’t live in shame..! [ moves over to the window, where he stares blanky at the skyline ]

[ the board murmurs among themselves ]

Executive #1: Well, at least the truth has come out. And we owe a lot to you, Miss Holman. I think you’ve given this corporation an entirely new perspective on the kind of sexual discrimination that goes on here at CHUD. And we have to thank you for that.

Miss Hoban: You’re welcome.

Executive #1: And now, Miss Crane?

Miss Crane: Yeah?

Executive #1: Will you take Miss Hoban out, and have her fill out the official grievance form, and formal complaint? A hearing will incur.. and the rest of the board will take appropriate disciplinary action against this gnetleman.

Miss Crane: Alright.

Executive #1: Thank you, gentlemen.

Miss Crane: Follow me.

[ the two women exit the room ]

[ Mr. Kramer slowly walks over to the board members ]

Mr. Kramer: [ laughs heartily with the Board ] Was that a close one?! You guys were great!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8

79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge

Goodnights

…..Ted Knight

Ted Knight: Good night, Eric! Good night, Elyse! Good night, Dottie! Good night, Ted! Good night, everybody! Thank you! You’re wonderful! [ he blows everyone a big kiss ]

Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will return in THE EIGHTIES! This is Don Pardo, the voice of the Seventies, saying: “Good night, and happy holidays!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 22nd, 1979

Ted Knight

Desmond Child & Rouge

Andy Kaufman

Buddy Rogers

Bob Zmuda

Diana Peckham

Teri Garr
A Christmas Gift from the Shah and his FriendsSummary: The Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlevi (Bill Murray) invites his special American friends to his home in Panama for a televised Christmas party all Americans can enjoy.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Anwar Sadat, Henry Kissinger.

Montage

Ted Knight’s MonologueSummary: Ted Knight claims to be Steve Martin’s dad, then performs some of his “son”‘s comedy routine.

Transcript

Diff’rent StorksSummary: Eager to capitalize on its young star, NBC advertises a new pair of hastily-produced sitcoms starring Gary Coleman.

Grievance BoardSummary: Chudd Insurance Corporation board members (Harry Shearer, Bill Murray, Garrett Morris) decide sexual harrassment case between Miss hoben (Jane Curtin) and Mr. Kramer (Ted Knight).

Transcript

A Message From Bob KoppSummary: Local policeman Bob Kopp (Ted Knight) warns citizens to watch out this holiday season, or else.

Transcript

Desmond Child & Rouge perform “Tumble In The Night”

The Tonight ShowSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will be guest-hosting “The Tonight Show”.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) charity commentary strays to other gross topics.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Nerds’ NativitySummary: Mr. Dunwoody (Ted Knight) struggles through a rehearsal of the Nativity pageant that stars Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) as Mary and Joseph.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Artie, Grant Robinson, Jr.

Transcript

Andy Kaufman Wrestles A WomanSummary: Boastful Andy Kaufman challenges Diana Peckham to pin him in three minutes.

Bob Hope’s Christmas In TehranSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.

Sammy Seltzer, Jr.Summary: Sammy Davis, Jr. (Garrett Morris) introduces a stomach soother to help people feel better after being overexposed to the one-eyed entertainer over the Christmas holidays.

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis, Jr.

Java JunkieSummary: After drinking a couple of innocent cups, Joe’s (Peter Aykroyd) life spirals out-of-control because he can’t shake the coffee monkey off his back.

Transcript

Christmas DecorationsSummary: Suburban family endures visiting granddad’s (Ted Knight) overzealousness for Christmas decorations.

Iran: The Country And The CrisisSummary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.

Desmond Child & Rouge perform “Goodbye Baby”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 7

79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello

Don Pardo: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of Ronald Reagan] Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan said this morning that he would not enter the Puerto Rican primary or, for that matter, Puerto Rico. “Those people give me the willies,” Reagan commented.

[Photo of Joe Clark] Canadian Prime Minister Joe Clark lost a vote of no confidence in the Canadian Parliament this week. Evidently, members of Parliament had been complaining that Clark’s wife wouldn’t sleep with any of them and there is talk of bringing back [Photo of Pierre Trudeau] former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

This week, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that women who have had intercourse during the last month of pregnancy have had babies born with infections, respiratory ailments and jaundice. The report further states that the closer intercourse is to the baby’s birth, the more severe the effects. In several cases, where the mother was sexually active shortly before delivery, when the baby was born, it immediately asked for a cigarette and a towel.

Bill?

Bill Murray: [Image of a satellite orbiting Earth] Well, the twenty million dollar RCA TV relay communications satellite, SATCOM 3, that was lost this week, has been found [Photo of a black guy carrying a huge hettoblaster on his shoulder] by Lonnie Washington, an unemployed maintenance man in Harlem, New York. Mr. Washington has evaded authorities, claiming, “This thing picks up so many stations and plays real loud, I ain’t giving this sucker back to nobody.”

[Photo of an elderly man in an examination room] It’s kind of lonely when the old gang’s all gone but Walter Pinel doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the last surviving member of the Woodstock Nation, that tumultuous rock festival held in Woodstock, New York over ten years ago. Walter’s a doctor now and, although he has many fine memories of Woodstock, he can’t remember them.

Today, December 15th, was the expiration date for the half fare airline discount coupons. One of these cut-rate plans works something like this. Say you flew from Mexico to New York to Texas. Well, for only five dollars more, you could fly to Panama. Well, the Shah of Iran did just that today. The Shah is a rich man but he’s frugal and I — I like that, really.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Well, Bill, money isn’t everything. Try to imagine yourself without a home, without a country, and without a gall bladder. Believe me, it’s a depressing way to spend the holidays. If there’s an ailing exiled king in your life, why not grab a pen and paper and send the Shah a get well card at this address: Poor Pahlevi, Panama City, Panama. Or just drop it off at your local Exxon station and they’ll see that he gets it. You’ll be glad you did.

This week, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to put an additional three million dollars in paper currency into circulation. This drive was spearheaded by Senators Percy of Illinois, Cohen of Maine, Nunn of Georgia, and Chiles of Florida. Expected to reap immediate benefits are Cadillac dealers, fancy French restaurants, and Washington area escort services.

[Graphic of the Mobil Oil corporate logo] The Department of Energy accused Mobil Oil Corporation and three other companies this week of overcharging by more than one billion dollars for petroleum products. [Photo of SNL writer Alan Zweibel] The only victim of the overpricing seems to have been Mr. Gary Leonard of Tucson, Arizona who was charged one billion, seventeen dollars to have the tank of his Vega filled with unleaded. Remarked Mr. Leonard, “I guess I just must have the face of a big sap.”

Bill?

Bill Murray: Colombia’s worst earthquake in history left hundreds dead and thousands homeless. [Photo of man standing in front of a smashed house] And, to make things worse, homeowner Hector Lopez also complained of rampant teenage vandalism. Quote, “I think some kids came in during the quake and knocked over all my furniture.”

[Photo of kneeling Iranian men, their boots lined up before them] And the Iranian school for boot salesmen held its graduation ceremonies this week and the entire class was snapped up by shoe stores all over the Middle East.

Bill Murray: Well, it’s holiday time again. A lot of big movies coming out, trying to earn your hard-earned buckskis before you get a chance to spend ’em on gifts for your loved ones. Let me tell you my opinions and you can decide for yourselves which ones you should see.

[Graphic of poster for “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” appears on screen behind Murray]

Uh, first, there’s “Star Trek” — don’t bother. I went, I didn’t get it. It’s like something from outer space. It’s completely unrealistic, completely unbelievable. Who dresses like that? Nobody I know. It may have been a good idea for TV — they probably should have tried that first.

[Poster for “The Electric Horseman”]

Uh, “The Electric Horseman” stars Redford and Fonda. As you can see here, uh, Fonda wears jeans, Redford picks her up in the air. I think it’s a nice idea. I like it, I kind o’ like it.

[Photo of James Caan and Marsha Mason in “Chapter Two”]

“Chapter Two” is Neil Simon’s new movie but I never saw “Chapter One.” I think anybody who goes to see “Chapter Two” without seeing “Chapter One” is a jerk.

[Photo of Steve Martin in “The Jerk”]

Which brings me to “The Jerk.” Steve Martin is a friend. As a matter of fact, I was in the movie but cut out of it. That doesn’t influence my opinion. The movie is a dog. There’s something missing. I don’t– Who it is, I can’t say.

[Poster art for Steven Spielberg’s “1941” starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, among others]

Finally, “1941” — once again, I never saw “1940” — but everyone in the newspapers and the press is panning this movie so I am gonna jump on the bandwagon here. The stars, in alphabetical order, are Ned Beatty, Carrie Fisher and Christopher Lee. As you all know, Carrie and Chris Lee have both been on Saturday Night Live and, if you ask me, they should never have left the show. And, once again, I don’t get it. What’s so funny about killing Japs? I don’t get it.

Didn’t we learn anything from “Coming Home,” from “Deer Hunter,” from “Taxi Driver”? War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! And so is “1941.” When Chris and Carrie told me they were leaving Saturday Night to do this movie, I said, “Why? Steve Spielberg is great with the mechanical shark and the flying saucer but the guy wouldn’t know funny if it bit him in the underwear.” They wouldn’t listen and now they have this Christmas turkey on their hands. And now my two old friends are gonna have the most miserable Christmas of their lives. And we all know that more suicides occur at Christmas than any other time. But don’t let these movies spoil your holidays. Take the kids to see “Meatballs” again. It’s a warm story. It’s perfect for Christmas. It’s a good cast, got a great story. Have a merry Christmas.

The movie’s got a lot going for it, and here’s a guy who has a lot going for ihm — a HELL of a lot — Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Something a-wonderful has happened to-a me. I was-a chosen to be the SPOKESMAN for this-a wonderful new product. And, Bill, I want to thank you, because the reason they picked me was because they saw me on-a this show. And-a, really, from-a the bottom of-a my heart, I do thank you.

And, you know, Joe DiMaggio does-a this-a commercial — he’s-a the spokesman for something called-a Mr. Coffee, and-a I think that’s-a why-a they-a wanted me, too. This-a product, it’s-a called Mr. Tea. Mr. Tea. And-a, you know, I don’t even drink-a tea. And I said to them, “I don’t-a drink-a tea,” but they said, “That’s okay. We want you anyway.” And-a, I just-a love-a this-a product. What I like about it is, it’s-a SO simple. All you have to do is get-a like a tea cup, or a coffee cup, whatever you call it, and you put a tea bag right inside of it here, and then you put the cup — it fits right in here — and then, you get hot, boiling water… and-a just-a pour the hot water into the Mr. Tea machine… [ he demosntrates these actions ] And, as-a you can see, the water comes-a down through here, down there, right into the cup! And then, all you have to do is wait two, three minutes… and then it’s done! And it depends — if you want it real strong, I’ve found that you should-a leave the tea bag in there quite a while. And, also, if you-a don’t want it strong, you can use it two, three times over and over, so it’s-a real economical, too.

But-a all of that is explained to you, in this-a little booklet that comes for free with it. [ he holds up the booklet ] It’s called-a “How to Use Yuor Mr. Tea.” But, basically, what it is, is you supply the tea bag and the hot water, and Mr. Tea does-a the rest. It’s $9.95. nine dollars and ninety-five cents. And I get twelve cents for-a every one of these they sell. And the Mr. Tea people, they said they think they’re gonna sell a whole lot for Christmas, you know? I did-a this-a Christmas commercial for them, it shows me making Mr. Tea for these Santa’s elves. They got-a these little midget men to dress up as elves, ’cause they didn’t have real elves.

And… [ he taps the ashes off his cigarette ] I think it’s something — me, you know, doing a Christmas commercial, because I don’t even-a LIKE Christmas! It’s not really that I don’t like Christmas. It’s just that I don’t like it so often. You know? I’m still sick of those Christmas songs from last year, and now they’re starting up again already. And, I really think I could get behind Christmas, if it was-a, say, like every other year. You know? Then it would be exciting and that. And, I have-a this idea. Maybe the American people would like to support me on-a this: It’s something called “Big Christmas, Little Christmas.” And-a the idea is-a that, every other year you would-a celebrate BIG — just-a like-a normal, on even-numbered years. But on odd-numbered years — like-a this year, 1979, it’s an odd number — and it’s what I call “Little Christmas.” And the idea is that you would, you know… Christmas songs would-a be just only Christmas Day, maybe Christmas Eve. And gifts — NOT for everybody. Just immediate family only. and the rule is: Just one gift per person — that’s it. And the gifts, too, should be very inexpensive. I think maybe we should set the limit, say… no gifts more than ten dollars. That’s-a the rule.

So… I want-a wish-a all of you a merry, merry Little Christmas — or, as we say in Italian: Buon Piccolo Natale! [ he sips his homemade tea ]

Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts