Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman

Goodnights

…..Howard Hesseman

Howard Hesseman: Listen — every time I’ve watched “Saturday Night Live”… I’ve seen and heard hosts stand up here and say what an extraordinary week it’s been. Uh — extraordinary is really an understatement. This has been, uh — juicy. [ everyone laughs with him ] I’ve gotta thank all the people at “WKRP” for making it easy for me to be here. I certainly have to thank the cast and the staff and the crew of this show for really putting themselves into it all the time — it’s sensational. I’d like to thank Randy Newman for being here. [ everyone applauds ] Yeah! I’d also like to thank radio for making television possible! And I’d like to thank… each and every one of you for making yourselves possible this evening! Thank you! Good night!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Martin Sheen with musical guest David Bowie. And watch “The BEST of Saturday Night Live” on Wednesday at 10/9 Mountain and Central. This is the multilingual Don Pardo, saying: “In English!” Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman

Boyfriends

Susan…..Gilda Radner
Jerome…..Howard Hesseman
Scott…..Bill Murray

[ open on interior, apartment, Susan filing her nails on the couch while Jerome waters the plants behind her ]

Susan: Honey, uh — are you sure you’re not jealous about, uh, Scott coming over? Because, uh, if you are, just say so.

Jerome: Why should I be jealous?

Susan: Well, uh, you don’t know Scott.

Jerome: Well, I’d like to meet anybody who was THAT much a part of your life.

Susan: Oh, Jerome, you’re so open!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Susan: I’ll get it.

[ Susan unlocks the door, and swings it open to reveal Scott ]

Scott: Susie! I forgot. I forgot how beautiful you are when you open the door. Do it again! For me?

[ he closes the door and rerings the doorbell ]

[ Susan opens the door to reveal Scott once again ]

Scott: I forgot. [ he closes the door ]

Susan: Okay, Scott… Scott… Scott! There’s someone I’d like you to meet. [ they cross the room ] Uh — Scott? This is Jerome, my new old man. Jerome? This is Scott, my old old man. And, uh, Scott, I want you to know that, uh, Jerome doesn’t mind you being here.

Jerome: I’m… okay behind it.

Susan: Jerome’s into trying to feel… his feelings.

Scott: [ smiling ] I feel like sitting down.

[ Susan and Jerome laugh ]

Susan: Let’s.

[ they all sit ]

Scott: What do you do, Jerome?

Jerome: I… work on myself. Not a lot of money in it — yet!

Scott: [ he laughs ] Well, keep plucking. [ to Susan ] What have you been doing, Susan?

Susan: Uh — I’ve been working on Jerome, too.

Jerome: It’s a… process. So, Scott… what, uh, brings you to Santa Barbara?

Scott: I’m with the national touring company of “The Fantasticks”. We’re playing at the Cine Auditorium tonight.

Susan: Uh — he plays El Gallo. You still play El Gallo, don’t you?

Scott: Nine years! [ he chuckles ] I eat, breathe, and sleep El Gallo. Except for my commercial work.

Jerome: Oh, you do commercials?

Scott: Are you familiar with the Budweiser Taste Buds? [ Jerome nods ] I’m the third Bud from the left.

Jerome: Well, that’s great. So, Scott, uh — Susan tells me that, uh, you were a better lover than I am.

Scott: Oh, I don’t know what you’re like, Jerome.

Susan: Well, uh, Jerome’s becoming less sexual and more sensual.

Jerome: Yeah! It’s a… slow process.

Susan: Yes. It is. [ she turns to Scott ] Well, Scott — are you growing?

[ Jerome reaches for Susan’s unresponsive arm ]

Scott: Well, people still say my El Gallo still is. And Scott is changing, too. For instance, uh — I don’t hate women any more.

Susan: Well, that’s wonderful, Scott. Is there — is there someone special you don’t hate?

Scott: Well, yes, I — I’ve finally found someone.

Susan: Really? What’s she like?

[ Susan shoves Jerome’s hand off her arm ]

Scott: Well… she’s young. She’s very young. She’s a kid, really. And… I… teach, and yet, I learn from her, too.

Susan: Is it serious?

Scott: I don’t know. It’s a whole different thing, you know? I think it’s good for me, but, uh, I don’t really know what it is yet.

Susan: Yeah. [ she smiles ] I was just thinking: Remember that day we met in the supermarket?

Scott: [ he laughs ] Yeah! The wheels of our carts got stuck together, and you said, “Whoa-oa, Ben Hur!”

Susan: [ she laughs ] I remember the only thing that you had in your cart were frozen carrots and fresh carrots. And I said —

Scott: You said, “Boy, you must really like carrots!” And I said, “Mwah!” [ he chews rapidly ] “What’s up, Doc!” [ Susan laughs ] And you know something? I still have that frozen bag of carrots.

Susan: You don’t.

Scott: [ he shakes his head ] No. But I wish I did.

Jerome: I’m starting to feel bad now. [ he examines himself from within ] Yeah. I definitely feel bad. Uh — how does that make you feel, Scott?

Scott: Not great. But I feel a bit weird — hitting on your old lady right in front of you.

Jerome: Me, too, man. Uh — how do you feel, Susie?

Susan: Honestly?

Jerome: Be open, darling.

Susan: Well, Jerome, uh — I know we’re covering new ground here, and growth sometimes hurts, but, uh, to be honest, I find myself feeling attracted to Scott right now.

Jerome: Well, look — if that’s the way you both feel, I’ll just leave, okay? [ he stands and crosses the room ] Otherwise, the anger underneath all these candy-ass feelings that are all I’m allowed to feel, uh, might just come bubbling through, and then it’s gonna get angry and ugly and bad!

Scott: [ standing ] Hey, hey — relax, man. I’ll back off. It’s no big deal, man.

Jerome: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Sorry, man…

Scott: You know how it is. I mean, I’m from out of town, I’m lonely. I think, who the hell do I know in Santa Barbara.

Jerome: Yeah. I can dig that.

Scott: I mean, what am I worried about? I’m El Gallo, and we’re sold out tonight —

Susan: [ angry ] I cannot believe that I almost fell for this again! I mean, I haven’t heard from you or seen you since I left you last September! And here you come in here and start… just… the SAME old tricks!

Scott: For the History books, Susan — you didn’t leave me. We agreed that you should leave.

Susan: Ooh, you’re really something!

Jerome: Uh, look, Scott, uh — I think that Susie needs her space right now. So, why don’t we take our feelings down to Le Brew & You and get really twisted, huh?

Scott: Yeah, a good idea! But, uh, before we go, Susie — I just want to say that, what we had was real. and now you have something else, and that’s real, too. I think you and Jerome are doing wonderful things with Jerome. But, I want you to know that, when you left that September, you took a part of me with you. I’ll never forget you, honey. [ a beat ] “Deep in September… it’s nice to remember / Without a hurt… the heart is hollow.”

[ Jerome checks his watch ]

Scott: [ singing ]
“Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
Follow.
Follow, follow, follow.”

[ Jerome opens the door and leads the way ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow. Follow.”

[ Scott turns ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow.”

[ Scott follows Jerome into the hall and closes the door behind them, leaving Susan alone with her thoughts and feelings ]

Susan: Barbara? [ a beat ] “Follow. Follow, follow, follow.”

[ she opens the door and steps into the hall ]

Susan: “Follow…”

[ pull back to reveal wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Eye Shadow Boxing” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 8th, 1979

Howard Hesseman

Randy Newman

None

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Peter Aykroyd
Great Moments in Rock & RollSummary: Early in his career, James Brown (Garrett Morris) is forced to abandon his Scottish musical roots.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, James Brown.

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s MonologueSummary: Howard Hesseman whips the audience into a pro-restraint chant.

The Bel AirabsSummary: Profiteers (Howard Hesseman, Garrett Morris) attempt to swindle the newfound fortune of Abdul Asad (Don Novello) and his clan.

Recurring Characters: Mudhad Asad, Fatima Asad, Abdul Asad, Granny, Miss Hathaway.

Randy Newman performs “It’s Money That I Love” & “I’m Gonna Take Off My Pants”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) gives a sports update and tries to avoid mentioning Anita Dark. Al Franken announces that the 1980’s will henceforth be known as The Al Franken Decade.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Transcript

BoyfriendsSummary: Susan’s (Gilda Radner) feelings for boyfriend Jerome (Howard Hesseman) are complicated by a visit from ex-lover Scott (Bill Murray).

Transcript

Stereo 105Summary: Obnoxious morning jock Steve Marvin (Harry Shearer) interviews former radio man Howard Hesseman.

Transcript

The Nuclear FamilySummary: Family unit (Howard Hesseman, Jane Curtin, Peter Aykroyd, Laraine Newman) are oblivious to the negative aspects of living between a pair of nuclear reactors.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “The Story of a Rock & Roll Band”

“First Love”Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Jane Curtin tries desperately to catch up with her first love, Walter Cronkite.

The Holiday Inn Horror Summary: A couple’s (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin) relaxing hotel stay is interrupted by maid Rosa Santangelo’s (Gilda Radner) 6:30 a.m. vacuuming duties.

Recurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Rosemary O’Connell…..Bea Arthur

[ open on set with superimposed title card, with Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” playing over it ]

Connie Carson: Hello, and welcome to “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Today, I’m talking to a woman who says she prefers to be described by one wrd: [ disgustedly ] “Mother.” I’d like you to meet Mrs. Rosemary O’Connell. Rosemary… just how many children do you and your husband have?

Rosemary O’Connell: Five. Five WONDERFUL children!

Connie Carson: Oh. [ she chuckles condescendingly ] Now, Rosemary, tell me, honestly: Are they really ALL wonderful?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes! ABSOLUTELY wonderful!

Connie Carson: Oh, but they must have all grown up by now and flown the nest.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes — they are all leading independent lives of their own now! My son Jimmy — he is the oldest — he’s a lawyer; uh, my daughter Louise is a doctor; uh, my son Max is a lawyer and a doctor; and my daughter Elizabeth is a doctor and a lawyer; and my youngest son, Free — [ she laughs ] he’s the hippie in the family! — he’s a paralegal… and a paramedic!

Connie Carson: [ frowning ] Oh. And do they stay in touch, or, uh, have they forgotten all about their old mom?

Rosemary O’Connell: Connie, do you know that each one of them calls me every single day? Sometimes TWICE a day? [ she laughs ] Oh, it’s almost a NUISANCE!

Connie Carson: I see. Of course, I never had any children. Oh, how could I? I’m not married. Uh — but when I imagine giving birth to FIVE bald, red-faced, ugly, drooling, mucus —

Rosemary O’Connell: Honey, ALL of my children were born with FULL heads of hair.

Connie Carson: But, Rosemary, isn’t going through labor hell?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not for me. It was a SNAP! I guess I was lucky!

Connie Carson: [ desperately ] Stretch marks!

Rosemary O’Connell: What?

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth ] You heard me.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, that! Oh, Connie! Now, what are a few stretch marks compared to the joy of bringing a new human being into the world?

Connie Carson: [ dismayed ] Yes. Well, I wouldn’t know. Uh — just tell me if I’m right on this one: I would imagine that, with five children, a career, like the wonderful career I have, would be absolutely out of the question.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not really. Not at all! You see — I’m a best-selling novelist. I write gothic romances — under another name, of course!

Connie Carson: [ she chuckles in annoyance ] That so? I suppose you work at home?

Rosemary O’Connell: Yes. I write all my books in long-hand, at home, in bed. The children used to take turns typing and proofreading the manuscripts. They know that their mommy is… [ with a French accent ] Corrine DeRoche — author of all 28 Desiree novels.

Connie Carson: [ nearly gasping for breath ] So, Rosemary, you’re a mother, God knows, and a HACK writer. But, what about your husband? Doesn’t he feel left out?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not at all. No, my husband has said repeatedly that, for him, there is no more beautiful sight in the world than… a woman cradling a child to her breast.

Connie Carson: [ miffed ] What does he do?!

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, he’s an art historian. Uh — medieval portraiture — madonnas, mostly.

Connie Carson: [ shuffling her note cards ] Let’s see… um… Have, um, have any of your children ever gotten into trouble, huh, caused you any great pain?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh… Connie, Connie, Connie! Never!

Connie Carson: [ disappointed ] Oh, Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary… What about drug abuse? I mean, uh, pills, angel dust, anything like that?

Rosemary O’Connell: No. Connie, may I tell you a very personal, and, I think, a very touching story?

Connie Carson: [ snidely ] What’s stopping you?

Rosemary O’Connell: Well, Connie, when my kids were starting Junioh High… I got one of every drug that was available on the street. And I laid them all out in front of them, and then I told them the pharmaceutical name, the slang name, the side effects, and the street value of each one. And I said, “Kids… if ever you feel tempted… to take any of these drugs, come to me, your mother, and I’ll take them with you.”

Connie Carson: [ stunned ] And, uh… did they?

Rosemary O’Connell: [ chuckling ] Oh, yes! Free and I dropped acid together in the late sixties! I know it was one of the msot beautiful experiences of my life, and I like to believe that it was for Free, also.

Connie Carson: [ trying to laugh ] Okayyyyy, viewers. Here’s today’s mother for you: Rosemary O’Connell. She forces her innocent children to take DRUGS with her! [ she smiles, satisfied ] Well, that’s all the time we have for “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young, unmarried career woman with no children, who makes a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Be sure to, uh, join us next week when we’ll be talking to Joan Kennedy about the tremendous progress she’s made in learning to control her facial muscles in public. Good night!

[ pull out to superimposed title and theme track, then fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Dr. Al Franken…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchors Jane Curtain and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

85-year-old George Meaney announced from his wheelchair at the AFL-CIOConvention, Thursday, that he was retiring as President of the Organization. Unfortunately, no one from the Teamster’s Union was there to move him, and he was forced to sit there by himself in the auditorium waiting for someone from the morning shift.

And a verdict is finally in on longshoreman Union boss Anthony Scotto, who was convicted this week on thirty-three counts of racketeering on Brooklyn’s waterfront. Authorities, searching Scotto’s apartment, found 250 pounds of water and fish, which eyewitnesses claim Scotto had embezzled from the docks.

Jane Curtin: And now, a special science report from our “Weekend Update” Science Editor, Dr. Al Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Well, thank you, Jane. The cockroach is actually any of numerous insects characterized by rapid movements and nocturnals habits. Now, the cockroach is a difficult insect to kill. In fact, the species pre-dates man, and may well survive us. [ removes a flask from his front pocket ] Now, I have here several live cockroaches. [ pulls one out of the flask ] Let’s just rip the antenna off and peel his legs and see what happens, and.. oh. I just tore his body off there, so, uh.. [ gets another cockroach ] Let’s see what happens when we.. stick a pin through him. [ stabs the cockroach ] As you can see, he’s wriggling around – a very, very difficult insect to kill, it’s fascinating. Now, heat.. is a very effective way of killing living matter, so let’s try boiling one of these fellas.. [ drops cockroach in a beaker and places it over fire ]. We’llcheck up on him later. [ takes out some more cockroaches ] Now, here we have a few more fellas.. let’s see what happens when we try a littledishwashing liquid. [ squeezes dishwashing liquid onto the cockroaches ] This should suffocate them..

Jane Curtin: [ interceding ] Dr., what are you trying to prove?

Dr. Al Franken: [ confused ] I’m sorry? I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Jane Curtin: What are these experiments supposed to demonstrate? Experiments usually try to prove something, or actually try to demonstrate some theory or fact..

Dr. Al Franken: Well, that’s not actually true. Most experiments are used to discover something.

Jane Curtin: Well, then, what are you trying to discover?

Dr. Al Franken: Well, I don’t know.. If scientists always had to know what they were trying to discover, we never would have invented penicillin, or photography, or a lot of other really important inventions. It’s a tedious process, but, unfortunately, it’s absolutely necessary.

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

SaveCo

Tom Clay…..Harry Shearer

Tom Clay voiceover: Prices are going out of sight – inflation is everywhere, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Oh, yeah? Says who?

Tom Clay: Hi! Tom Clay, for Saveco, America’s number one chain of recalled-products discount centers. Hey, nobody likes to pay retail, or even wholesale, prices. That’s why there’s Saveco. Let me tell you what we do – every time the Federal government orders a product recalled – we buy it! No, not one or two at a time. Not even by the dozen. In carload lots! Then, we sell these brand-new products. Microwave ovens that barely excede radiation-leakage standards, even children’s pajamas completely fireproof with a possible carcinogen – we sell them all! At a fraction of the original price. And with it, as always, the famous Saveco guarantee – if you can find the same product advertised at or near the original price, we’ll get a tempory junction against the other store.

If they made it wrong, the prce is right! At Saveco!

SNL Transcripts

Reagan’s Nap Schedule

Aide…..Harry Shearer
Make-Up Artist…..Laraine Newman

[ Governor Ronald Reagan and his Campaign Aide step into Reagan’s dressing room ]

Aide: Congratulations, Governor, great speech! I think you really came across as a leader.

Make-Up Artist: [ seating Reagan down ] Oh, yes, Mr. Reagan, you just sit down right here, and I’ll get that make-up off you in just a jiffy!

Aide: Governor, we’ve got a car waiting for you outside to take you back to the hotel, where you may take a well-deserved rest before dinner. I’ve got your dentures right here.. [ taps his breast pocket ] ..we’ll have them cleaned and left in your room.

Make-Up Artist: [ rubbing Reagan’s make-up off his face ] Oh, listen.. we watched that speech in the control room, it was really great.. and you looked great!

Aide: Governor, I, uh.. I want to go over tomorrow’s itinerary. It’s going to be kind of a long day.. I want you up at 10:30 for the 11:30 flight to New Hampshire – don’t worry, you can sleep on the plane. 1 o’clock, there’s a working lunch on China. You’ll be briefed by William Lowe and Bob Hope. Uh.. just some cottage cheese and rice pudding.. Now, after lunch, nap ’til 3:00. 3:15, meeting with Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, Jack Kemp and Terry Bradshaw on Inflation and Football. And I promise I’ll have you back at the hotel no later than 3:45 for that nap. 5:00.. I thought you might want to know they’re showing Part 1 of “Ocean’s Eleven” on the early movie.. [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] ..uh, yeah.. Danny Ocean tries to rob a casino in Vegas, the whole Rat Pack’s in it.. uh.. Frank, Dean, Sammy, Joey..

Make-Up Artist: Uh, listen, Mr. Reagan, you ever get to watch your own movies? Because, like, I once saw one that was called “King’s Row”, and.. did you really get your legs cut off in that? Or, like, were you sitting on them.. did you have special pants, or something..?

Aide: Uh, excuse me, Governor.. the movie’s over at 6:30.. you have a nap ’til 8:00. Then, at 8:30, we have cocktails in the Edmund Burke room at the hotel.. that’s the Reactionary Democrats for Reagan.. followed by a very short nap, then 9:15 for dinner.. [ Reagan mumbles ] No, no! Don’t worry, don’t worry.. it’s cream of tomato soup, boneless chicken breast, boiled, wth mashed potatoes.. and for dessert, your choice: jello or applesauce. For ten minutes, at 10 o’clock, you speak.. you’ll be back in your room by 10:30 – since it’s so late, I’d skip the nap and go straight to bed. Now, I gotta go check the car. Great speech! [ runs out of the dressing room ]

Make-Up Artist: Mr. Reagan, can I ask you a question? [ Reagan nods ] You were once president of the Screen Actors Guild, wern’t you? ‘Cause, like, I was wondering, you know.. I make-up a lot of actors, and stuff.. and I really think I do a better job than they do.. Is there anything you an, like, say to get into the guild? [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] Huh? [ Reagan mumbles again, slowly so that the show’s opening can be made out ] Oh! Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Mr. Bill Builds a House

(Scene opens at Pleasant Stay Trailer Park where Mr. Bill is now living)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today. Because we’re all going to build a new house. Yaaay! You know, I had a little accident last week. My house burned down. But don’t worry, cause my insurance company is going to pay for everything. Yaay! So in the meantime, me and Spot and Miss Sally are all going to stay in this beautiful new trailer. Oh yaaay! (Spot barks as a car pulls up and Mr. Hands comes out) Uh oh.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, the insurance company contracted me to build your new house. Isn’t that great?

Mr. Bill: Oh no. That’s ok. I’ll do it myself.

Mr. Hands: Oh gee, you can help me then. Say I’ll give you a lift over to the construction site. (hooks the latch of his car to Mr. Bill’s trailer and places Mr. Bill in the trailer)

Mr. Bill: Oh come on Mr. Hands. Why don’t you leave us alone. You know, if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t need a new house anyway. Huh? So leave us alone.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. Off we go! (Takes off in the car and pulls the trailer and Spot along Mr. Hands drives very fast causing the trailer to go on a roller coaster ride with Mr. Bill and Miss Sally in it. The trailer hits a curb and crashes in front of the construction site.) Well here we are at the construction site. Say Mr. Bill, why don’t you stand in the spot where your new living room is going to be. (places Mr. Bill in the dirt where the house is going to be)

Mr. Bill: No, I don’t want to. I want to go back to the trailer park. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Ok, now first we’ll need plenty of bricks. (Carries a trovel of bricks over the trailer wreckage.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Miss Sally’s underneath there! No wait stop! (Mr. Hands dumps the bricks on Miss Sally) Oh poor Miss Sally. Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: And now we’ll pour the foundation. (pours cement where Mr. Bill is standing.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, get me out of here! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhh! I’m stuck! Get me out!

Mr. Hands: Oh all right. I’ll get you out (Uses a hammer and chisel to get Mr. Bill free.) There you go.

Mr. Bill: No! No, no wait! Ohhhhhhhh! (His hand lands next to a nail on a board.)

Mr. Hands: Say, thanks for holding my nail Mr. Bill! (Hammers Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, can you steady this board for me while I drill some holes in it? Huh? (Places a board on Mr. Bill standing up.)

Mr. Bill: No, you just want to be mean to me! Stop!

Mr. Hands: Okay now hold it firmly. (Starts drilling into Mr. Bill back and Mr. Bill starts spinning out of control.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands finishes the frame of the house.)

Mr. Hands: Ahhh, there. How do you like it Mr. Bill? Huh?

Mr. Bill: (standing inside the house) I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: But it’s your new home. (Insurance Agent Sluggo appears) Oh gee, the insurance agent stopped by. Hey!

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Get me out of here!…Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! He says the insurance company isn’t going to pay a cent.

Mr. Bill: But I have a policy.

Mr. Hands: (shows Mr. Bill the contract with a magnifiying glass.) Gee Mr. Bill. I guess you didn’t read the fine print. (Shows Mr. Bill that the Expiration Date was “Yesterday”)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: He says it’ll have to be destroyed (A wrecking ball swings, destroys the house and sends Mr. Bill into a brick wall.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time! Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Bea Arthur’s Monologue

…..Bea Arthur
…..Paul Shaffer

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bea Arthur!

Bea Arthur: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you, thank you so much! It is so good to be back in New York, and it’s great to be appearing live. You know, the Broadway stage is part of my background — especially musicals. And I love to sing. And I was really thrilled when they told me I could do a song on the show. And I must say, I’ve been rehearsing all week with a most MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS musician… Mr. Paul Shaffer.

[ she stands over Paul Shaffer at the piano, as the audience applauds ]

Bea Arthur: He’s just FABULOUS! And we would like to do an old Vaughn Howard song, called “Let Me Love You”. Paul?

[ singing ]
“Let me love you
Let me say that I do
If you lend me your ear
I’ll make it clear that I do.
Let me whisper it
Oh, let me siiiiigh it
Let me sing it, my dear
Or I will cryyyyy it.

Let me love you
Let me show that I do
Let me do a million impossible things
So you’ll know that I do
I’ll buy you the dawn
If you’ll let me love you today
And tomorrow I’ll send you merrily on… your way.”

[ the audience cheers as Arthur concludes the song ]

[ she leans over to kiss Paul Shaffer, but he pulls her down across her lap and gives her a wet, sloppy kiss on the lips ]

Bea Arthur: [ leering into the camera ] We’ll be right back!

Audience Member: Go, Paul!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Andy Kaufman Preview

…..Andy Kaufman
…..Bea Arthur

Andy Kaufman: Hello, I am Andy Kaufman. I was on this show — [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! I was on this show several weeks ago, I wrestled a woman from the audience, I got a lot of NASTY mail from you people out there! You write: “Dear Saturday Night Live, I’m never gonna watch your show again if you let Andy Kaufman wrestle, it was the most tasteless thing I’ve ever seen!” [ he gives a sinister sneer ] So you’re trying to get me to stop wrestling on television, huh? Well, there’s NO WAY you’re going to do it! I will wrestle on EVERY show! I will wrestle on every VARIETY show, every TALK show — you will NOT be able to turn the dial FAST enough! You will never get rid of me — until a woman BEATS ME in a wrestling match! That’s right! But there’s no woman that CAN beat me in a wrestling match, because women do NOT have the brains! Even the ones that lift the weights, they lift weights and they make the muscles! Those women don’t have the BRAINS! The only thing women have the brains for is to COOK, CLEAN, and PLEASE THE BABIES! [ the audience boos ] Now, just a minute, SHUUUUT UUUUPP!! SHUT UP!! Now, look — if there’s any woman out there who thinks she could beat me, send her picture and the reason why, your statistics and the reason WHY you can beat me, to this show! You will be flown out on December 22nd, and we will have a match RIGHT here! If you beat me, I will give you ONE-THOUSAND DOLLARS, SHAVE MY HEAD right here on nationwide television, and I will NEVER wrestle on television again! But I don’t think there’s anyone who can do iiiiit!

Announcer: [ over title card ] If you’re a woman and want to wrestle Andy Kaufman on our Christmas show, December 22nd, send your name, address, and current photo of yourself to:

ANDY KAUFMAN
P.O. Box 860
RADIO CITY STATION
NEW YORK, N.Y. 10019

Letters must be postmarked no later than December 14th, 1979.

[ dissolve to Bea Arthur ]

Bea Arthur: Boy… I hope somebody beats him.

[ the audience cheers ]

Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut uuuuupp!!

Bea Arthur: And beats him BADLY!

Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut up! I’ll take YOU on, lady!

SNL Transcripts