Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Aunt Judy’s Basement

Aunt Judy…..Bea Arthur
Susan…..Jane Curtin
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Bobby…..Bill Murray
Andy…..Paul Shaffer

[ open on interior, Aunt Judy’s basement, as she leads four adults downstairs ]

Aunt Judy: Wait until you see it! I even fixed it up since you were here last! Oh — I’m sure, though, you all recognize the table!

Bobby: Oh, yeah. We should, Aunt Judy — you make us eat down here every Thanksgiving.

[ the four adults take their seats around the card table ]

Aunt Judy: Oh, Bobby… Now, Bobby, I hope you’re really not upset about this.

Bobby: I don’t know… I’ll be fine.

Aunt Judy: Now, look — if anybody wants seconds, Andy can get it for you. And don’t forget: We’re ALL going to be having dessert together in the living room, in just about an hour!

Andy: Okay, Mom.

The Girls: Thanks, Aunt Judy…

[ Aunt Judy exits upstairs ]

Bobby: [ snidely ] Thanks a LOT, Aunt Judy! I don’t believe we get suckered into this every year. When I was 12, Aunt Judy said everyone under 15 had to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the basement. When I was 15, Aunt Judy said everyone under 21 had to eat in the basement. I’m 26 now! Aunt Judy says everyone under 30 has to eat in the basement! I don’t want to eat down here any more! I want to sit with the GROWN-UPS, in the DINING ROOM!

Susan: Bob, would you please RELAX?! You make the same FUSS every year! If it’s any consolation to you, I once ate Thanksgiving upstairs with the adults, and it’s no better than it is down here.

Bobby: That’s not the point! I just think it’s insulting that at all these family reunions, we’re still treated like we’re in Kindergarten!

Laraine: Oh, God… you should have learned to live with it by now, Bob, I mean… I’ve kind of come to look at sitting at the Kiddie Table as kind of a lovely Thanksgiving tradition!

Andy: Yeah! Me, too. Hey, remember that Thanksgiving when we were nine? We had that contest to see who could stuff the most food in their mouth? Remember that?

Bobby: Remember the year that I made you laugh while you were drinking a milk, and it came all out your nose all over Susan’s plate! [ he screams ] Boy, did you girls ever get ticked off by that!

Susan: Do you think we could change the subject? I don’t think this is proper dinner conversation.

Laraine: You guys are really grossing us out, okay?

Bobby: Ohhh. You girls are just big BABIES, that’s all.

Laraine: I’m afraid not!

Bobby: I’m afraid so!

Laraine: I’m afraid NOT, you big jerk!

Bobby: Perhaps not, but what are you?

Susan: Would everyone PLEASE start acting their age again?!

Andy: Oh, who appointed you Miss Maturity all of a sudden?

Susan: Why don’t you just keep out of this? You’re only a cousin, I’m their sister!

Laraine: See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Laraine: Ha ha, that’s very funny.

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Ha ha, that’s very funny.

Laraine: Stop mocking me!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Stop mocking me!

Laraine: Cut it out, okay?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Cut it out, okay?

Laraine: I’m telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] I’m telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Laraine: [ jumping to her feet ] Stop it! [ calling upstairs ] JUDYYYYYY!!! AUNT JUDY!!

Susan: [ to Bobby ] Oh, I suppose you really approve of his antics, don’t you?

Bobby: What’s it to you, anyway? [ he fakes a punch at her ] Ahh!! Yuo flinched! [ he punches her shoulder ]

Susan: OW!!! That’s ridiculous! You didn’t hit me for no good reason!

Bobby: That didn’t hurt! Look, I’ll do it to myself! [ he punches his arm ] See? [ he repeats ] No flinch! No flinch! [ he fakes a punch at Susan ]

Susan: Aggghhh!!!

Bobby: You flinched! [ he punches her ]

Susan: OWW!!!

[ Susan joins Laraine at the foot of the stairs ]

Susan: AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

Andy: We’re not doing anything, Mom!

Bobby: Pay no attention to her, she’s nothing but a big baby!!

[ Andy returns to the table ]

Bobby: Say, how are things working out with you and medical school?

Andy: It’s pretty good. You know, you gotta specialize these days. I’m, uh, I’m thinking about Radiology.

Bobby: Yeah?

[ Aunt Judy calls down ]

Aunt Judy: What is going ON down there?!

Andy: Ah, just talking about medical school, Ma.

Laraine: Yeah, like FUN you were!

Bobby: We were SOOOOO!!

[ Aunt Judy appears ]

Aunt Judy: Now, look here! Yuo can jolly well straighten up or NOT expect to join us for dessert! Honestly, I’d like to think that the FOUR of you could come and have Thanksgiving dinner just ONCE without so much rough housing!

Andy: Sorry, Mom.

Laraine: Sorry, Aunt Judy.

Susan: Sorry.

[ Aunt Judy returns upstairs, as the adutls return to the Kiddie Table ]

Bobby: You little squealers! Wait’ll we go outside and play — you’re gonna GET IT!

[ Andy holds a piece of meat over Susan’s head ]

Susan: Don’t you DARE!! AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

[ the four of them start rough housing all over again, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Goodnights

…..Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur: Well, thank you for coming. I hope you had a WONDERFUL time! Good night!

Announcer: Next week, watch an encore performance of “Saturday Night Live” with host Jack Burns and musical guest Santana. This is Don Pardo reminding you to EAT SAFELY — turkey and gasoline don’t mix. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

First He Cries

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Dr. Jensen…..Bea Arthur
Irene…..Gilda Radner
Larry…..Bill Murray
Grace…..Jane Curtin
Son…..Jim Downey
Ted…..Harry Shearer
Friend…..Garrett Morris
Bambi…..Laraine Newman

[ open in Dr. Jensen’s office ]

Dr. Jensen: Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, I’m afraid that… the biopsy came out… positive.

Irene: Then, uh — you’ll have to perform a mastectomy?

Dr. Jensen: That’s right.

Larry: You mean, cut off her breast?

Dr. Jensen: I’m afraid so.

Larry: [ looking up to the heavens ] Why me..? GOD!! Why ME..?!

[ title appears over freeze-frame ]

Announcer: “First He Cries”. [ over SCROLL ] “The following docu-drama deals with a senstive social issue: mastectomy and its psychological effects on the men who must endure the anguish of living with “half a woman”.

[ dissolve to room at Mercy Hospital ]

Irene: So — [ laughing ] before I went under, I said to Dr. Jensen: “Will I stillbe able to play the violin?” And she said to me, “Well, of course you will!” And I said, “That’s funny — I never could play before!”

[ the women laugh ]

Dr. Jensen: That’s a true story!

Grace: Boy, Irene, you’re amazing! I don’t know if I could bear it.

Irene: Ohhh, really? You could, Grace. I mean, I have no choice! [ she laughs ]

Son: Oh, Mom! You’re so wonderful!

[ reveal Larry, standing with his back to everyone and his arms crossed in self-pity ]

Larry: What about ME, huh?!! What about ME?!! I’m stuck with some kind of HIDEOUS, deformed FREAK!!

[ Larry storms out of the room ]

Son: Dad!

Dr. Jensen: No, no. Let him go… let him go. He needs to be by himself. Larry’s been through a lot. You’re all going to have to be patient with him — especially you, Irene.

Irene: Well, wait a minute now — I’m the one who lost a breast here.

Dr. Jensen: [ angered ] Oh, why don’t you come down off your high horse?! Larry’s going through HELL right now! You took away something VERY important to him!

Irene: My breast?

Dr. Jensen: Precisely! You see, breasts are very important to men — in our culture. Women with attractive breats are considered sexually attractive, and exciting. Now, some men like round breasts… some like pointed breasts… some like large breats, some like small breasts — although most men do prefer large breasts. But all men — I mean, with the exception of a very, very few — all men like their women… with two breasts.

Irene: And, to think, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.

Son: Poor Dad.

Dr. Jensen: Well, I’m going to try to talk to him about it. In the meantime… think about what I said.

Irene: Thank you, Doctor, you’ve been wonderful.

[ Dr. Jensen exits the room ]

Grace: You know, Irene, what she said makes a lot of sense. I went in for a check-up a couple of months ago, and Bob got mad at me.

Irene: Well, that’s CRAZY!

Grace: Bob is crazy — crazy about my breasts!

[ they laugh ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen’s office, as Larry enters ]

Dr. Jensen: Larry, I’m very glad you could come in and talk to me today. Irene is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. It’s going to be very difficult for you. You’re gonna have a lot of adjustments to make.

Larry: Well, I’m glad someone’s finally thinking about ME!

Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry, that’s not fair! I’ve been thinking about you all along!

Larry: Oh, yeah — I notice it’s my wife that’s getting all the medicine and all the physical therapy. What about ME?!! I’M the one who’s supposed to go out in the world and face all the cruel laughter and humiliation! People poiting at me and saying, “Oh, that’s him! He’s the guy married to Miss Uni-Boob!”

Dr. Jensen: Larry… Larry, listen — I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy. Especially at first. But, remember, Larry: Time is the great healer.

Larry: Is the Great Healer… gonna grow another breast?! VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!!! REAL FUNNY!!! I just wish you could WALK in my shoes!!

Dr. Jensen: I wish I could, Larry… but, being a woman… there’s no way I could understand what you’re going through. I can only try to… sympathize.

Larry: I don’t WANT your sympathy!! I just want… my life the way it WAS, before — ! [ he begins to weep ]

[ dissolve to a party scene ]

[ SUPER: “A Week Later” ]

Grace: Okay, now listen, everybody, I have an announcement! Okay? Larry and Irene should be here any minute. Now, this is the first time they’ve been out since the mastectomy, so please try not to say anything that might upset them. Okay? [ the doorbell rings ] Oh, this must be them now!

Ted: Hey, everybody. Look who’s here.

[ Irene enters with Larry in tow ]

Grace: Larry! Irene! Oh, you look wonderful! It’s wonderful to see you!

Irene: Oh, thanks, Joan! It’s so great to get out!

Ted: So, Larry, my man! How you feeling?

Larry: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Ted: Irene? Would you mind if Larry and I talked alone for just a second?

Irene: Oh, sure, Ted.

Ted: Hey, Lar — I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that all the guys are snickering at you behind your back because… Irene only has one breast. Well, let me tell you something — NOTHING could be further from the truth.

Larry: Yeah, I’ll bet!

Friend: Hey, you guys? You want to go down to the rec room? There’s a football game on the BOOB tube! You know? [ Larry gives him a dirty look ] Uhhh — I think I’ll get one of those melon balls.

Ted: Listen, Larry… Larry…

[ an attractive youg woman bumps into Larry ]

Bambi: Oh! Hi!

Ted: Oh, Larry — I want you to meet my niece… Bambi.

Larry: [ impressed ] Well, hello, Bambi!

Bambi: Hi, Larry. You know, I heard what you’ve been through, and I want you to know if there’s anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to ask me.

Larry: Well… it would be nice just to talk to someone… at a motel or something like that. Have you ever seen a Ramada Inn?

Bambi: A Ramada Inn?

Larry: Come on, let’s go.

[ they walk off together, as Irene and Grace watch ]

Grace: Are you just going to let him walk out with her?!

Irene: Well, uh… if that’s what Larry wants and needs right now, I say let him try it. It’s something he obviously needs to work out.

Grace: Irene… you’re amazing!

[ they share the laugh, as Irene looks down rejectedly ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Jensen’s office ]

[ SUPER: “Six Months Later” ]

Larry: Well… the first couple of months with Bambi were great — the sex… and I’d never been to Europe before. And, of course, the sex. But… lately, I don’t know. She’s so young. She thinks The Beatles were McCartney’s first back-up group. There’s just not much to talk to her about. There’s something missing.

Dr. Jensen: Maybe that something is… Irene.

Larry: But she’s half a woman!

Dr. Jensen: Oh, come on, Larry! You can’t still believe that! There’s MORE to a woman than BREASTS!

Okay… she’s two-thirds of a woman.

Dr. Jensen: Larry, come on. Come on now! [ she pulls down a wall chart ] Now, Larry, what about the rear?

Larry: Yeah… right.

Dr. Jensen: And what about the legs?

Larry: Uh — Irene, I must admit, has real nice gams.

Dr. Jensen: You see? And don’t forget the nape of the neck, and the tummy. Now don’t forget those.

Larry: I see what you mean, now. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind. [ music pots up ] There’s no reason I can’t enjoy sex with Irene — and, since we’ve known each other for so long and have a family, there’s LOTS of things we can talk about. If only she’d take me back.

[ Dr. Jensen opens the door ]

Dr. Jensen: Irene, you can come in now.

Larry: [ relieved ] You mean…?

Dr. Jensen: Yes.

Irene: Larry… I heard what you said, and… I love you!

Larry: God, I love you, too!

[ they hug ]

Dr. Jensen: Now, go home, you kids, and do what you must.

Larry: Thanks, Doc.

[ freeze-frame, as Larry holds his hand behind Irene’s ass and the theme song plays ]

Theme Song:
“He cries
His wife lost a breast
and now he’ll face the test
But first he cries
He’ll make adjustments later.
First he cries.
He’ll make adjustments laterrrrr!”

[ SUPER: “Funds for “FIRST HE CRIES” were provided by grants from the following corporations:

The Playboy Foundation

Russ Meyer Pictures

ABC Television

The Jane Russell Institute for Full-Figured Women

Lily Cups Company

America Hooter Society” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Drop Out

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Davis
General…..Harry Shearer
Soldier…..Al Franken
Other Soldiers…..Peter Aykroyd, Jim Downey, Matt Neuman, Max Pross

[ open on suburban kitchen at breakfast time, as high-pitched siren sounds in the background ]

Mom: Honey, do you want some more coffee?

Dad: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, honey.

[ the siren mutes ]

Mom: Do you want some more coffee, sweetheart?

Dad: Uh — no. I gotta get going, I’m late.

Mom: Oh.

Dad: where’s Tommy? He’s gonna be late for school and not have time for breakfast.

Mom: You know that I had to stick my head in his door TWICE just to get him up this morning!

[ Tommy stumbles into the kitchen and sits ]

Dad: Well… cock-a-doodle-doo, Rip Van Winkle!

Mom: Here’s your orange juice.

Dad: I see they’ve, uh, changed the school dress code, huh?

Tommy: I don’t think I feel like going to school today!

Mom: What’s the matter, Tommy, are you sick? [ she feels his forehead ] You don’t feel like you have a fever.

Tommy: No, I’m okay. I just don’t feel like going to school!

Dad: Well, that’s great! What would you think if your mother and I had the same attitude? [ to his wife ] Honey, I don’t feel like going to work! Is that okay?

Mom: Tommy, go upstairs and get dressed.

Dad: No, no! He’s got a great idea! Let’s all be like Tommy today and see what happens! Would you like that, fella?

Tommy: That’s fine with me.

Mom: Now, would you two please stop arguing?

Dad: We’re not arguing! We’re in total agreement! [ to Tommy ] Aren’t we, Mr. Rock Star? Huh? We’re just gonna stay home today and let EVERYTHING go to HELL! Huh?

Mom: [ looking behind her ] Uh-oh! Tommy’s waffles are gonna burn!

Dad: Hey! Let ’em BURN! Why should YOU care if your son has a DECENT BREAKFAST?!

Mom: Now, Don… don’t be ridiculous.

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

Dad: [ throwing his newspaper down ] If Tommoy’s taking the day off, you might as well take it off, too. [ to Tommy ] Isn’t that nice? We ALL have a day off today! Isn’t that GREAT! Well, I’d better call the President of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation… and tell him that we can’t have that meeting we were supposed to have today!! [ he dials the phone ]

Mom: Honey, are you serious?!

Dad: I have NEVER been so SERIOUS in my LIFE!! [ into the phone ] This is Don Clifford, I want to speak to President McDonnell! [ pause ] Hello, Doug; it’s Don! Listen: I’m not coming in for our meeting… because my son, TOMMY, has announced that he ddin’t feel like going to school today, so we’re ALL gonna adopt his attitude, and I suggest you do the same! Yeah! That’s right! He’s not going! Right! Well, let’s all do it and see what happens! Okay! Bye, Doug! [ he hangs up and approaches Tommy ] Well, the PRESIDENT… of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation has CANCELLED all his meetings and is going home! What do you think about that, BIG SHOT?!

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

[ dissolve to newspaper headline: “NO NEWSPAPER TODAY, EVERYBODY GOES HOME” ]

[ dissolve to operators plugging in lines ]

[ dissolve to exterior, The Pentagon ]

[ dissolve to General, on the phone ]

General: Oh, really? Great! I’ll just forget about it, and go home myself! We might as well ALL shirk our responsibilities! [ he hangs up his red phone and exits ]

[ dissolve to world map, as arrows descend from USSR and onto America ]

[ dissolve to the suburban kitchen, as Communists soldiers infiltrate the perimeter and take the family hostage ]

Dad: Russian soldiers! Great! Russian soldiers! Well, son! Perhaps you learned a little something today?!

Tommy: [ crying ] You were right! I’m sorry!

Mom: Oh, for God’s sake! A lot of good sorry’s gonna do us now!

[ as the family is dragged outside, one lone soldier reaches down to eat Tommy’s waffles ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Flame-Retardant American Flags” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Backer’s Audition

Bea…..Bea Arthur
Teddy Naddler…..Harry Shearer
Andrew Mazelle…..Paul Shaffer
Danny Dare…..Bill MurrayMargie Pantelle…..Gilda RadnerGreg Dobson…..Garrett MorrisGuests…..Anne Beatts, Andy Murphy, Alan Zweibel

[ open on semi-fancy party in a penthouse apartment ]

Bea: Well… I really think we can’t wait any longer. [ ] I’d like to thank you all for coming up to my apartment, to hear what I think may be the next major rock musical of the American theater! [ the crowd claps ] And on behalf of the New York Advanced Theater Foundation, I’d like to welcome you all as potential investors of the show. We have supported these two young, briliantly-talented men for the past six months, and now we’re all very hopeful about this… their latest show. Ehich is called — with the simplicity of great art — “Two Men”. Please welcome the NEXT geniuses of the American rock theater — Teddy Naddler and Andrew Mazelle!

[ the two men emerge from the room, kiss Bea on the cheek, then take their positions standing behind the piano ]

Teddy Naddler: Thank you so much. “Two Men”, as the title implies, is the story of two men. But it’s much more.

Andrew Mazelle: Yes! It’s as a story as old as the rock musical form itself — the story of good vs. evil.

Teddy Naddler: Our two men actually lived. And it’s from them we draw inspiration. One was Jay Seabring — at the time, the best known hair stylist in Hollywood. The other… was Charles Manson. Enough said.

Andrew Mazelle: [ pointing to a trio seated off to the side ] Now, we have invited these three extremely talented kids to help us tonight: Danny Dare —

Teddy Naddler: Over on the end.

Andrew Mazelle: Kind enough to take the night off from his duties as Robert Klein’s understudy in “They’re Playing Our Song”.

Teddy Naddler: Margie Pantell has been working downtown at the Women’s Commercial Theater Collective.

Andrew Mazelle: And Mr. Greg Dobson is rehearsing for a Broadway revival of the all-Black version of “Low Doll”. Of course, in the actual cast we’re hoping for all big names.

Teddy Naddler: Our Narrator is kind of an everyman. He sings the story of the show. He narrates the story in song. He’s another character based on a person who is actually living — Mel Torme. [ Andrew starts playing the piano ] He’s onstage in limbo. He sings the opening song — “The Ballad of Two Men”.

Andrew Mazelle: [ singing ]
“Charlie’s hot; Was evil, dear.
Like Knievel, dear.
Deeply.

Hey, but Jay; He loved to beautify.
Though eye-to-eye
They’d never see.
No!

Two men. Two men.
One did hair in Hollywood.
Two-oo-oo men. Two-oo-oo-oo-oo men.
But one… was up… to no good.”

[ the room applauds ]

Bea: Now tell me, though — does this mean that we would have to get Mel Torme for the show?

Andrew Mazelle: Uhhh, well — it’s not so much Mel Torme the performer. We’re talking, more, Mel Torme the idea.

Bea: Ah!

Teddy Naddler: Mel walks offstage — we’re in Jay’s salon. This is where most of the action of the show takes place. It’s Hollywood’s most IN salon — all the celebrities have their hair done there. There are plants hanging… and, in the middle of the room, there’s a HUGE SINK! If you saw the, uh, big toilet in “Lenny” — it’s at LEAST that big.

Andrew Mazelle: Yeah. Uh, it’s about eight o’clock at night… and the last celebrity has left the salon. Jay is alone at the sink.

Teddy Naddler: He’s getting ready for the big party — he’s getting dressed and, in an ironic touch here, he’s fixing his own hair. And he sings a song about he emotional turmoil he’s going through… called “Burglar of Love”.

[ Danny Dare steps forward and rest on the edge of the piano ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“What is this passion that binds me
That keeps all my lovers behind me
When was it, push came to shooooove!
Made me a burglar… of loooooove!!

Why can’t I fall in love, like any other man?
Where do I go
to find out who I really am?

When will this strange torment cease?
Why can’t I burgle in peeeeeace?
Why must you call the poliiiiiiice?

I’m just a burg-l-er!
Don’t let me be, just a burg-l-er!
I’m just a burg-l-er… of love!”

[ the room applauds wildly ]

Bea: Excuse me just a moment, fellas?

Teddy Naddler: Yes?

Bea: Is “burgle” a real word?

[ Teddy and Andrew shrug ]

Andrew Mazelle: We’re not sure about that.

Teddy Naddler: We’ll look it up! We’ll look it up. [ Bea returns to her seat ] Okay! Now we go a little experimental here. Judy Garland’s daughter — Lorna Luft — meets and falls in love with Jay. Uh, through a series of sliding partitions, rotating stage platforms, probably some lasers — we’re now in Jay’s apartment.

Andrew Mazelle: Now, remember — we NEVER lose… the big sink in the background. That’s always there. That’s always there.

Teddy Naddler: Okay, Lorna wants to settle down, have a meaningful relationship — Jay wants to succeed in Hollywood. They sing a duet called “You Don’t Stay Home/I Want to Go Out”.

[ Danny and Markie Pantell step up to the piano together ]

Margie Pantell: [ singing slowly ]
“You don’t stay home!
Come what may, home!
Hip hooray, home.
Where I’ll be.”

Danny Dare: [ singing up-tempo ]
“I want to go out, where all the lights are bright!
I want to go OUT! And do my thing tonight!
I need to party, with people I dig!
IMPORTANT people! I’ve gotta think big!
Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
Bye bye!

I want to go out! Where all the lights are bright!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“You donnnn’t staaayyy hoooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“I want to go out! And do my thing tonight!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Coooome whaaaaat maaaayyyy hooooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“I need to party, with people I dig!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Hiiiiip hoooooraaaayyyy hooooome!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“Important people! I’ve gotta think big!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Wherrrrrre I’llllll beeeee!”

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
Bye bye!”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Stay home!”

[ the room applauds, as Bea steps forward ]

Bea: Uh, fellas, if you don’t mind my asking. But, just to clarify for everybody…

Teddy Naddler: We should just make it clear — Jay GOES to the party… Lorna stays home.

Bea: Yes. But the question I wanted: I presume that he or we are not talking about the real Lorna Luft?

Teddy Naddler: Well! Well! It’d be GREAT if we could get her, but… the basic, uh, point here is just the idea of somebody who’s Liza’s sister.

Bea: Ah.

[ Bea sits ]

Teddy Naddler: Okay. All of a sudden, in limbo, we meet Charlie and his girls in the desert.

Andrew Mazelle: Alright, listen — they have just spent a week listening to The Beatles’ White Album — about 150 times — and Charlie has realized that there is a secret message for him in the song “Revolution #9”. This is all true, by the way. It’s all coming from the Odyysey.

Teddy Naddler: Yeah. Now, Charlie sings this song… “Nine”. It’s kind of a special little story attached to it, because it’s written in 9/4 time. You may remember we used that in “Tommy on Ice”. It’s a song called “Nine”.

Andrew Mazelle: 9/4 time.

[ Greg Dobson steps up and leans against the piano ]

Greg Dobson: [ singing ]
“How many fingers would you have if you lost one? Nine!
How many players are on a baseball team? Nine!
This number nine! Is coming your way!
And it’s not gonna be good.

Negroes will riot!
White people will riot!
Everybody will riot!!
Number Nine!!
Number Nine!!
Number Niiiiiine!!”

[ he crouches down but holds up nine fingers ]

[ there’s no response from the room ]

Teddy Naddler: The stage goes black.

[ the room applauds ]

Teddy Naddler: We’re at the party. But Jay — there’s a lot of lights and lasers.

Andrew Mazelle: Suddenly, the lights go out, the music stops, and a single spotlight focuses on Jay… meeting Charlie. Jay says:

Danny Dare: Hi.

Teddy Naddler: Charlie says:

Greg Dobson: Nice… to meet you.

Andrew Mazelle: Entire stage… goes black! He don’t see ANYHING! You just hear… Mel Torme singing a reprise of “Two Men” — this time, with lyrics that cover the whole “Helter Skelter” thing.

Teddy Naddler: See, this is how we get around that [ he makes finger quotes ] “bad taste” question. Uh — Jay passes on, Evil seems to have won out over Good.

Andrew Mazelle: And the next thing we see is the sink… on a deserted stage. Lorna, dressed in black, goes to the sink… and sings… this song.

[ Margie steps up once again ]

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
There’s a hole… in my heart… where a man was.
Excuse me for living, but I care.
I got no one beside me
to love and to guide me
And who’s, gonna do, my hair?
I can’t go on, now that he’s gone!
Hey! What’s happening… with the sink?”

Teddy Naddler: At this point, the sink is bathed in a brilliant white light! Jay rises up out of the sink — REBORN! Good triumphs over Evil! And Jay joins Lorna for the finale, with a counter obligato from… Mel Torme.

[ Danny joins Margie at the piano ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“There’s a maaaan in your heart
where the hole was.
I’m back with the living, and not deeeeeead.”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Now I’ve got you beside meVto love and to guide me!”

[ in the background, Teddy moves his lips silently to the lyrics ]

Danny Dare: [ singing ]
“And I’ll always dooooo…”

Margie Pantell: [ singing ]
“Yes, you’ll always dooooo…”

[ Margie removes her cap and lets her long, luxurious hair flow down ]

Together: “Yes, I’ll/you’ll always doooooo… your/my haaaaaaiiiiirrrrr!!”

[ the room applauds wildly ]

Bea: Wonderful! Wonderful! I LOVE when you keyed in on the word “hair” at the end!

Teddy Naddler: Yeah.

Bea: Well, God willing, we have another “Hair” on our hands! [ to her guests ] I’m sure you all share my feelings that this going to be THE major theatrical hit of the Eighties!

[ Teddy crosses his fingers ]

Bea: So why don’t we get out our checkbooks, and we’ll talk about it over cake, okay?

Andrew Mazelle: FABULOUS idea!

Teddy Naddler: Yeah!

Andrew Mazelle: Thanks! Thanks!

[ Bea kisses the boys on the cheek, as the guests surround them ]

[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Bowling For Glory” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 17th, 1979

Bea Arthur

The Roches

None

Andy Kaufman
Reagan’s Nap ScheduleSummary: Ronald Reagan’s advisor (Harry Shearer) runs down his schedule as (Laraine Newman) removes his make-up.

Transcript

Montage

Bea Arthur’s MonologueSummary: Bea Arthur gets pianist Paul Shaffer’s heart racing with a rendition of “Let Me Love You”.

Transcript

Spud BeerSummary: The beer of choice among boat people with no place to go.

First He CriesSummary: When Irene (Gilda Radner) loses a breast due to cancer, the aftermath is hardest on her husband Larry (Bill Murray).

Transcript

Drop OutSummary: When Tommy (Tom Davis) declares he doesn’t feel like going to school, his dad (Bill Murray) decides to show him and stays home from work, thus setting off a chain reaction that results in the Soviets taking over America.

Transcript

The Roches perform “Bobby’s Song”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Science editor Dr. Al Franken experiments with cruel and unusual ways to kill cockroaches.

Transcript

Aunt Judy’s BasementSummary: During Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Judy’s (Bea Arthur), adult siblings and cousins (Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Bill Murray, Paul Shaffer) continue to be relegated to the kiddie table in the basement and act in an appropriately childish manner.

Transcript

Woman To WomanSummary: Ultra-feminist Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) tries to discredit her elderly guest (Bea Arthur) for having raised perfect children while still managing a satisfactory in-home career.

Recurring Characters: Connie Carson.

Transcript

SaveCoSummary: Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) recalled government products being offered for a fraction of the original costs.

Recurring Characters: Tom Clay.

Transcript

Backer’s AuditionSummary: Musicians Teddy Naddler (Harry Shearer) and Andrew Mazelle (Paul Shaffer) sell a group of backers on the idea of financing a Broadway rock-musical about Charles Manson.

Transcript

Mr. Bill Builds A HouseSummary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill encounters construction mishaps at the hands of Mr. Hands and Sluggo the insurance agent.

Transcript

Los Beatolos CubanosSummary: Latin band (Pater Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Tom Schiller, Paul Shaffer) performs their own version of Beatles hits.

Andy Kaufman PreviewSummary: Andy Kaufman announces his challenge to have a woman wrestle him on SNL’s Christmas show.

Transcript

The Roches performs “Hallelujah Chorus”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Jack Van Arks…..Al Franken
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news. Our top story tonight:

The Chase Manhattan Bank, this week, raised its prime lending rate to 100%. A bank spokesperson said that the move eliminates the need for computers, calculators, clerks and accountants. All the bank needs is somebody around who can multiply by two.

Campaigning in Chicago this week, presidential contender Ted Kennedy was hit in the left shoulder with an egg. Ironically, his motorcade had just passed the Illinois Egg Depository.

A disappointing turnout greeted folk singer Joan Baez as she began her tour of refugee camps in Thailand. Promoters of the tour said the light attendance was possibly due to the price of tickets, which were scaled from $17.50 to $30.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Last week, the World Health Organization announced that smallpox had finally been wiped off the face of the Earth. We’re sorry to report that today it broke out at the other end: Buffalo, New York. Get well soon, Buffalo.

Rosalind Carter was in Thailand this week, where she visited a camp of sick and starving Cambodian refugees. Mrs. Carter said that, as a mother, the experience was emotionally overwhleming, and pledged to raise American consciousness of the situation by starving her own daughter, Amy.

Bill Murray: Jane?

Jane Curtin: It has been brought to our attention that in a recent “Weekend Update” editorial, we offended a good portion of our audience by claiming that all Black people have gotten consistently poor grades in Geography. Well, we’re sorry. What we meant to say was: All Black people look like Charles Kuralt.

This week, “Weekend Update” is debuting a new feature: “Your Turn”, in which we welcome concerned citizens to express their views on issues in our society. Today, to speak on behalf of the chemical industry, is industry spokesman Jack Van Arks. Jack?

Jack Van Arks: Thank you, Jane. You know, these days, a lot of people think that anything chemical is bad! And anything natural is good! Now, what these people forget is that nature IS chemical! Now, one of the reasons I think people have this prejudice against chemistry, is that it was such a difficult subject in school! I admit it myself. That’s why I majored in Public Relations! Believe me, I’m a lot better at communicating with people than I am at figuring out complicated equations and formulas! [ he snickers ] Now, the other day, I was eating lunch at a chemical factory when one of the lab scientists said to me, “Jack, you want some sodium chloride on your baked potato?” And I said, “Whoa-oa! Keep your lab chemicals away from my food!” And he said, “Jack! Sodium chloride! NaCl!” And I said, “I don’t care what you call it, I don’t want any sodium chloride near my potato!” Well, you know what sodium chloride turned out to be? [ he picks up a salt shaker ] Simple table salt! [ he sprinkles some in the lam of his hand, then chugs it into his mouth ] Pretty harmless! Well… no sooner is that amusing episode over, when I say, “Boy! My soup sure is hot!” And this chemist says, “Why don’t you put some dihydrogen oxide in it?” And I said, “Dihydrogen oxide? Sounds pretty ominous to me!” And he said, “Dihydrogen oxide. H2O.” Well, even I know what H2O is! Simple water. Well, I guess eating would be kind of boring without old NaCl, and life would be pretty near impossible without… dihydrogen oxide! So, you see — without chemicals, life would be boring AND impossible! Jane?

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jack. Hey, Jack — how would you like a glass of H2SO4? [ she hands him a glass of clear liquid ]

Jack Van Arks: Oh, sure, Jane! What, uh — what is H2SO4, Jane? [ he takes a sip ]

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Well, it’s nothing more than simple household… sulfuric acid.

[ Jack Van Arks chokes violently on the sulfuric acid and collapses to the floor ]

Jane Curtin: The Pentagon announced that yesterday afternoon a computer malfunction sent out a false alert of a Soviet missile attack, causing ten U.S. and Canadian jet interceptors to take off from their bases. The foul-up was corrected within six minutes. The false alert never reached President Carter, Defense Secretary Harold Brown, or General David Jones, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. However, strangely enough, the report did reach Allen Ludden and Betty White, singer Roy Clarke, and the entire cast of “Sweeney Todd”.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Testifying before a Senate economic committee this week, Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker said that balancing the federal budget was “as easy as smoking a cigar through your forehead.”

The results of the first Weekend Update Glickman Poll for presidential hopefuls were released today. Our staff sampling revealed the following figures: Carter, 33 1/3%; Kenendy, 33 1/3%; and Glickman, 33 1/3%. Good luck, Glick!

Bill Murray: And the Pope announced on Friday that the Central Government of the Cathoic Church is in serious financial trouble, and expects a budget deficit this year of $20.2 million. It seems that repurcussions have even reached as far as the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest. Here with the details, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?

Father Guido Sarducci: The response from the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest has just been fantastic. Over 50 million entries came in to NBC, and then was transported to the Vatican. And, in Rome, it’s just madness — everyone was delighted by the amount of the entries. But, also, it made a little problem for us, to tell the truth. We thought one, maybe two people, would be able to find all of the 264 Popes in the pizza. I mean, it was only on for thirty seconds on the screen. But the judges, they found that out of 50 million entries, almost 2,000 people found ALL of the Popes. And, as you know, I did promise that the winner would get to have this button. [ he holds up button ] It says: “I Saw the Pope On TV.” But, most unfortunately, we’re just not in a financial position at the present time to make up 2,000 buttons. It’s just not a burden that we can take on our shoulders at the present time. [ he reaches for a raffle hopper ] So what I’m gonna do, I got all of the finalists in here — all 2,000 winners — in this hopper, and i’m gonna mix up these letters and pick out ONE winner who gets to have the button. [ he stands up and grabs the crank ] Okay, all of these letters. Isn’t it amazing? But this is nothing compared to the letters that came into the mailroom. They just came in by the TON. You should have seen them, just coming in. We got this film, if we can roll it. Let me show you all the letters that —

[ cut to film footage of a mailroom attendant shaking letters out of a mailbag ]

Father Guido Sarducci V/O: There it is! Look at it! Look at that fella! They said that’s more letters than NBC got after they canceled “Bonanza”. Letters from all over the world, some even as far away as Japan and Mexico. Look at all of those letters, I’m-a telling you! Find the Popes in the Pizza… Find the Popes in the Pizza… another one… another one… that’s another one there… another one… that’s another one… Watch this! He finds this one letter, doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s for Belushi. “Return to Sender! Address Unknown!”

[ cut to film footage of NBC switchboard ]

Father Guido Sarducci V/O: That’s the NBC switchboard — all the people calling in, making sure they had the correct address.

[ cut to film footage of a crowd of people ]

Father Guido Sarducci V/O: Then, about a week ago, all kinds of people started showing up at St. Peter’s Piazza. Everybody wanted to be there when they named the winner.. Too bad it didn’t happen there, but there was a real fun in the air. It reminded me of Woodstock. It was really exciting. There was some counter demonstrations from the Italian Presbyterians. They were jealous because they don’t have their own Pope. They got a real chip on their shoulders. Look at that, see that? That’s a Presbyterian Salute. And that’s to you, too, Buddy! You know where you can-a put it.

[ return to the news desk ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… this is it! This is it now! Let’s-a see who’s gonna win this thing. I’m pretty excited. [ he pulls out a letter ] This is the winner! This name, it’s a him. His name is Wolf Zimmermann, from Evanston, Illinois. Congratulations, Wolf! [ the audience applauds ] Wolf, I take-a my hat off, symbolically, to you. And to all of the people who entered and didn’t win, I would like to say: “Thank you for entering, I’m sorry that you didn’t win.” You know, what are you gonna do? It’s just a contest, right? You know, someday, maybe there’ll be another contest. [ he picks up the button ] Wolf, I’m gonna send this in the mail to you, you know, just as soon as I get around to it. It weighs pretty much — I don’t know where I’m gonna get the money to mail it. You know, Wolf, maybe you could send me a couple of bucks, just to cover postage — $5, $6… $10, for sure, ought to be plenty. And to those of you who didn’t win, once again, I would liek to tell you the words of, I think it was Saint Matthew, who said: “It is probably better to have entered and lost, than not to have entered at all.” Arriverderci, America!

Bill Murray: That’s the news. We hope our buddy Al Camoin is feeling better. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Mystery Of Toad Island

Tom Brundidge…..Buck Henry
Innkeeper…..Laraine Newman
Carl Bailey…..Tom Davis
Brundidge Bailey…..Jim Downey
Bailey Brundidge…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, ferry drifting through a storm, as Tom Brundidge gazes out the darkened window ]

Tom Brundidge V/O: As I gaze on Toad Island for the last time, its darkened contours gradually receding into the thick New England mist, I shudder with the realization that I’m finally escaping its clammy hold on my soul. My mind races back to the day of my arrival, the day I first confronted… [ reveal title card ] The Mystery of Toad Island.

[ dissolve to interior, New England inn ]

Tom Brundidge V/O: Choosing a place to stay didn’t take long. There was only one inn on Toad Island: The Toad Island Inn.

[ the clock chimes, as Tom Brundidge enters with his bags ]

Tom Brundidge: Anybody here?

[ silence, except for crickets chirping in the background ]

Tom Brundidge: Hello? [ he rings the bell at the front desk ] Anybody here?

[ the Innkeeper enters slowly and quietly ]

Tom Brundidge: Hello! Uh — I just got off the ferry, I was wondering if you had a room?

[ the Innkeeper leans back to think it over, as her throat inflates just like a toad’s ]

Innkeeper: Could be.

Tom Brundidge: Uh-huh. Well, it’s, uh — [ her throat continues to inflate ] just for… just for ONE night!

Innkeeper: Well… we may not have a room ready. Don’t get many strangers here on Toad Island.

Tom Brundidge: [ he chuckles ] It’s no wonder. It’s a long ferry ride. I was the only passenger after Piquancine Island.

Innkeeper: Figures.

Tom Brundidge: Perhaps, uh, you know the woman I’ve come to see: Hannah Brundidge?

Innkeeper: Ah! We have the two. Only two families on this island: The Baileys and the Brundidges. I’m a Bailey. My mother was a Brundidge, and her mother before her was a Bailey. Goes back like that, ohhhh… gosh… oh, about 1674, when Captain James Brundidge ran his ship aground on Toad Island.

Tom Brundidge: Ah. Well… do you know where I can find her?

Innkeeper: Who?

Tom Brundidge: Hannah Brundidge.

Innkeeper: What about her?

Tom Brundidge: I’m here to see her. She’s my great-aunt.

[ a buzzing sounds in the air, so the Innkeeper arches her neck and catches the fly in her mouth ]

Innkeeper: You’re Tom Brundidge!

[ dramatic music sting ]

Tom Brundidge: Look — does my great-aunt live nearby, and can anybody take me there?

Innkeeper: Oh, not tonight. You’d best turn in. Carl will see you to your room. [ she rings the bell ] Oh, Carl!

[ Carl hops to his feet ]

Innkeeper: Carl, this is your cousin, Tom Brundidge.

Carl Bailey: Pleased to meet ya’!

Tom Brundidge: Oh! Are you a Brundidge?

Carl Bailey: Nooo, a Bailey. My mother was a Brundidge.

Tom Brundidge: Ah! Say, Carl… could you, uh, drive me to Hannah Brundidge’s tomorrow?

Carl Bailey: [ as his throat inflates and deflates ] Maybe yes, and maybe no.

Tom Brundidge: What do you mean?

Carl Bailey: I might, and then again… I might not.

Tom Brundidge: What kind of an answer is that?

Carl Bailey: That’s for me to know, and you to find out.

[ Brundidge Bailey chimes in from the couch ]

Brundidge Bailey: I think you’re wasting your time talking to Carl. He’s pleasant enough, but you won’t learn very much.

Innkeeper: Carl, take Mr. Brundidge’s bags to his room!

Carl Bailey: Alright. Pepperidge Farm!

[ Carl grabs Tom Brundidge’s bags and hops up the stairs to his room ]

Brundidge Bailey: So you’re Tom Brundidge?

Tom Brundidge: Yes.

Brundidge Bailey: Ed Brundidge’s boy?

Tom Brundidge: That’s right.

[ Tom sits next to Brundidge Bailey on the couch ]

Brundidge Bailey: Well, perhaps I should introduce myself. I’m Brundidge Bailey. [ acknowledging other people in the parlor ] This here’s my cousin — Bailey Brundidge.

Bailey Brundidge: Howdy.

Brundidge Bailey: And her brother — Brundidge Brundidge.

Brundidge Brundidge: Howdy.

Tom Brundidge: Nice to meet you. So… it’s really true there are only two families on Toad Island? Now, no offense, but, uh, isn’t it dangerous for two families to intermarry for all these years?

Brundidge Bailey: If the Good Lord had meant for us to marry women from the mainland, he’d have given us wings to fly over there to meet them.

Tom Brundidge: Ah, I see. Well, maybe you can help me. You see, my father died when I was very young, and my mother NEVER talked about it. And, well, she just passed away. While going through her effects, I found some letters to a Hannah Brundidge of Toad Island. [ he removes the letters from his jacket ] And from these letters, it was apparent that her nephew — uh, my, uh — Ned Brundidge… was my father.

[ another buzzing sound in the air, so Brundidge lurches forward to catch the fly in his mouth ]

Tom Brundidge: Now, I — I wrote Aunt Hannah, and she warned me NOT to come to Toad Island. Do you have any idea why she would say that?

Brundidge Bailey: Pepperidge Farm!

Tom Brundidge: What? Pepperidge Farm? Are you tellinf me I can find my aunt at this farm?

[ Carl hops back down the stairs to join the men at the couch ]

Brundidge Bailey: No use. Not in the end. You won’t learn much to a Bailey. As we say around here: “No use shaking the tree if the fruit ain’t right.”

Tom Brundidge: Really? [ he chuckles ] How did he get that way?

Carl Bailey: Well, that’s for me to know, and you to find out.

Tom Brundidge: Look! Can someone tell me something about my father?!

Innkeeper: Folks don’t much like talking about Ned Brundidge. He was the first islander to marry a girl fom the mainland. Yeah, when they, uh, fell in love, we warned them against it, but their marriage didn’t last, either. A year later, he came back to the island a deflated man. He proceeded to drink himself to an early grave.

Tom Brundidge: I — I don’t understand. Why didn’t my aunt tell me any of this?

Innkeeper: Well… that’s for your aunt to know, and you to find out. I suggest you go up to bed now.

Tom Brundidge: Oh, that’s a good idea. Now, which room is mine?

Innkeeper: Maybe it’s Room 11, maybe it’s not!

Tom Brundidge: Well… I’ll just go up to Room 11 and see if my luggage is there. Good night!

[ everyone bids Tom good night as he heads upstairs ]

Carl Bailey: Nice fella.

Brundidge Bailey: I don’t know. Didn’t he strike you as a bit of an odd bird?

Carl Bailey: Maybe he did. But then again, maybe he didn’t.

Innkeeper: Well… that’s for you to know, and you to find out. [ holding up a plate of cookies ] Surprise, everybody! Pepperidge Farm!

[ she distributes the cookies, as everyone hops closer to the plate ]

[ dissolve back to Tom on the ferry ]

Tom Brundidge V/O: As my ferry steams toward the craggy main coast, I ask myself: “Has it really been three years?” Of my conversations with Aunt Hannah, more in Chapter Two. But I can only say she was the most difficult person to talk to on the island. And I realize that the only mystery is how I could have spent three years on… Toad Island.

[ dissolve back to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Nerds

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Marshall DiLaMuca…..Buck Henry

[ open on Lisa Loopner and Todd DiLaMuca entering the Loopner living room to sit on the couch ]

Lisa Loopner: Boy, Todd… you sure wolfed down dinner in a hurry!

Todd DiLaMuca: That’s because I’m hungry for some of that Loopner lunch pail, that’s all.

Lisa Loopner: Oh. Now, Todd, we’ve been through this a ZILLION times, and the answer to your pathetic animal needs is still “NO!! N-O spells NO!!”

Todd DiLaMuca: [ as he tries to peek under Lisa’s skirt ] Lisa… according to Masters & Johnson, I’m at my sexual peak. Give in to me now, my kitten, and I shall remember you when you peak at about 55 or 60…

Lisa Loopner: Todd! That’s real big of you! But — according to Sherry Hite, you can never give me as much pleasure as I can give myself!

Todd DiLaMuca: What does Sherry Hite know? She’s never dated me.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah. Well, personally — [ as Todd rubs her shoulder ] Stop, Todd! [ she laughs ] I feel that in our culture, sex is overrated. [ Todd blows at her, she blows back ] I mean, look at my mother. I mean, she’s perfectly happy with the memory of my father — the late Mr. Loopner —

Together: God rest his soul.

Todd DiLaMuca: Well, YOU look at your mother — her shoulders are up around her ears. The woman is repressed! I mean, she’s got problems.

Lisa Loopner: That’s because her bra straps are too tight!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yeah… sure.

[ Mrs. Loopner enters with a jar of mayonnaise ]

Mrs. Loopner: Todd? Could you unscrew this for me? I seem to have screwed the lid on too hard.

Todd DiLaMuca: Certainly, Mrs. Loopner. [ he struggles with the jar ] It’s really jammed, isn’t it? [ he finally pops the lid ]

Mrs. Loopner: Ooooh, Todd! You have such a strong right arm!

Lisa Loopner: Yeah. He works out with it a lot.

[ Todd gives her a dirty look ]

Mrs. Loopner: Well, back to the salt mines!

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom? Forget about the egg salad. I can BUY lunch!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa. I enjoy making egg salad. It gives me great pleasure. That, and ironing contoured sheets.

[ Mrs. Loopner exits back to the kitchen ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Ironing contour sheets.

Lisa Loopner: Todd… maybe she IS sublimating her sexual energy.

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh-ho-ho, perhaps, Diapolis. Hey, my dad’s the same way ever since we lost my mom. But I don’t want you to end up like that, Lisa. [ he wraps his arm around her ] I want that pink, pink blush of your nose… spread down, down, down your cheeks… across your rather unusually skinny and fleshy neck… [ Lisa laughs ] down to your rosy halo to your chest — whwrever your chest may be.

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Pizza-Face!

Todd DiLaMuca: Lisa, prove your love to me — or else you’ll be responsible for giving me a painful case of… LOVER’S NOOGIE!

[ he proceeds to pound her on the head ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: That’s right! You know what Lover’s Noogies are — it’s when your head turns all blue and swells up?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Lisa Loopner: I’ll get it.

Todd DiLaMuca: Get what?

[ Todd’s dad is at the door ]

Lisa Loopner: Hello, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Lisa!

Lisa Loopner: Nice to see you!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Nice to see you, too! Todd, a little bird told me that I’d find you here! And no wonder, when I look at Lisa! [ he snorts ]

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Uh — where are you hiding that GORGEOUS mother of yours?

Lisa Loopner: She’s in the kitchen.

Todd DiLaMuca: Why don’t you go get her? [ he gives Lisa a secret signal ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t go to any trouble on my account.

Lisa Loopner: [ catching on ] Oh, yeah — right! Why don’t I go get her! Yeah! It’s no trouble!

[ Lisa skips into the kitchen ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, Son, we’re in luck! I managed to get TWO tickets to the Tri-State All-Star Chess tournament tonight! How about stepping out with your old man!

Todd DiLaMuca: Gee, Dad… I’d love to, but I’ve got some Trig homework that I’m dying to get to. I’m really excited about it. Say, I know — why don’t you ask, uh, Mrs. Loopner to go with you?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ask Enid?

Todd DiLaMuca: Sure. It’ll do her good to get out of the house — and it may do me some good, too, if you get my drift.

Mr. DiLaMuca: [ laughing ] Oh, she wouldn’t want to go out with an old fogey like me!

Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, maybe not, Dad, but, uh… deep down, she’s DYING for it! I know that. Deep down.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Uhhhh — [ he chuckles laciviously ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? I have a confession to make, between us guys. I found that shoebox of yours with the Belgian postcards.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Todd! What were you doing in my underwear drawer?

Todd DiLaMuca: Sorry, Dad. I looked at them all, except for those two that were stuck together.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Too bad. Those were the best ones.

Todd DiLaMuca: You know, uh, that thought had occurred to me! [ he laughs ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Yeah, but, but, but, uh — [ laughing ] Enid Loopner? She’s a whole lot of woman!

Todd DiLaMuca: She’s a beast. Now, Dad, I happen to know that, uh, Mrs. Loopner is a natural blonde.

Mr. DiLaMuca: What? You’ve seen her in her… birthday suit? [ he laughs ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Don’t gross me out, Dad. I mean, the hair on her arms is blonde.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Oh!

[ Lisa and her mom enter ]

Mrs. Loopner: Marshall! Long time, no see!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, boy, Dad! Go for it!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Enid! How’s every little thing?

[ Todd pushes his dad closer to Mrs. Loopner ]

Mrs. Loopner: Couldn’t be better! Ohhh, I see you’ve grown a beard!

Mr. DiLaMuca: I had to stop shaving because of this painful skin condition!

Lisa Loopner: Like father, like son!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, I always say a man without a beard is like a hot apple pie without cheese!

[ they all laugh ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom, let me take off your apron, and show your beautiful housecoat! Isn’t it pretty?

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes. Isn’t Mrs. Loopner wearing an attractive housecoat, Dad?

Mrs. Loopner: Well, it is a housecoat — it’s just for wearing aound the house!

Todd DiLaMuca: I don’t know about that. I’d say it could go anywhere — you could even wear it to a chess tournament, for example, don’t you think?

Mr. DiLaMuca: I — I — I — do have two tickets.

Mrs. Loopner: [ flattered ] Oh. Oh, Marshall… [ she laughs ] Well, I don’t mean to be a mulligan, but, uh… you know, I always thought, um… I mean, I really, uh… you know, Marshall, whatever became of Mrs. DiLaMuca?

Mr. DiLaMuca: That, Enid, is the $64,000 question.

[ they laugh hysterically ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? Please. You promised.

Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost Mrs. DiLaMuca some twelve years ago.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… how did it happen?

Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost her at Expo ’67. She was supposed to meet us at the car.

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad! No! Come on!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, she said she just wanted to go and buy one of those little wooden dolls with all the other little wooden dolls inside, you know? And she wasn’t sure which pavilion to go to — Bulgaria or Romania.

Lisa Loopner: You mean, she wasn’t killed in Vietnam?

Todd DiLaMuca: No, Lisa. She wasn’t an Army nurse, she didn’t win the Congressional Medal of Honor, either.

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you’re a liar!

Mr. DiLaMuca: I blame myself!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Marshall, you musn’t.

Mr. DiLaMuca: What about the chess tournament, Enid? Will you go with me?

Mrs. Loopner: [ excited ] Well… who’s playing?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ferg Ginsburg and Jeffrey Stutz. [ Mrs. Loopner gasps ] It should be pretty exciting — the winner gets to try out for the Semi-Finals.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that sounds like fun!

Mr. DiLaMuca: You know, Enid, sometimes I get so excited watching… I almost make a noise.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh? Well, I’d like to go, Marshall, but I just put a fresh batch of eggs on to boil.

Todd DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t worry, Mrs. Loopner, I’ll watch the eggs.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Alright, what’ll it be, Enid? Yay, or Nay?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, GO, Mom! You’d be CRAZY not to go! It’s great! I’d KILL to go! Come on, Mom, go!

Mr. DiLaMuca: You mean, you — wai — what? Well, then… take my ticket, here.

[ Todd throws his arms up in bewilderment ]

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, yeah, if you really want to go. Of course — well, BOTH of you go! Alright? Here are the tickets. [ he hands each Loopner a ticket ] You’d better hurry now!

Mrs. Loopner: B-but what about the eggs?

Mr. DiLaMuca: We’ll worry about the eggs!

Mrs. Loopner: Are you sure, Marshall?

[ Todd Smacks a stack of books on his head ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Yes! Don’t you worry about the eggs! Just go and have a DARN good time!

Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, did you leave the keys in the Gremlin?

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, I think I did, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: Marshall, thank you.

Lisa Loopner: Okay, byyyye! Goodbye! I guess I’ll see you in school!

Todd DiLaMuca: Goodbye, Lisa…

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Have a good time now!

[ the Loopners leave, as the DiLaMucas sit on the couch ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, way to go, Dad.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well! I guess now we have a… couple of hours to kill?

Todd DiLaMuca: Aw, that’s okay. I brought the postcards with me. [ he pulls them out of his textbook ] Look at this!

[ Father and Son look over their naughty postcards together, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “coming up next: Kamikaze TV Pilots” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

[ Buck Henry enters Home Base, which is surrounded by guards in pith helmets ]

Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you, thank you all very much! You should SEE them down there! I mean, it’s just incredible! As always, it’s a GREAT pleasure to host my favorite show — “Saturday Night Live”. And, you know, I’m often asked why I like hosting this show so much. I mean, after all, this is, I think, my TWELFTH time… and the answer to that question isn’t easy. One: It’s because I LOVE the people here —

Voice in the Audience: YOU STINK!!

Buck Henry: Exactly! It’s just — it’s like a family! It’s like a wonderful family, every time I come here. Uh — it’s just — I just feel —

Voice in the Audience: YOU’RE THE WORST!!

Buck Henry: [ nodding ] They yell at me, they try to touch me, it’s just — it’s a wonderful thing! In fact, I’ve become so recognizable from this show, that I’ve grown this beard… [ he rubs his beard ] to attempt a certain anonymity so that, uh, you know, so that people everywhere can —

[ a protestor rushes the stage, as the guards swarm on him ]

Protestor: LISTEN, YOU UNTALENTED… YOU STINK!!

[ the guards drag the protestor out of the studio ]

Buck Henry: No, not autographs now! Autographs later! It’s okay. I don’t know, I — I enjoy my life without the incessant disturbance of an audience, and it’s not that —

Voice in the Audience: GET OFF!!

Buck Henry: It’s not that I’m ungrateful — thank you, mind you. It’s just that this show has actually made a career for me. Everyone who is associated with this show, as you know, has achieved a kind of, uh, stardom. And, uh, in all modesty, I have to say I can’t go out in public any more without causing a commotion. I — I can almost, as I’m sure you can, feel the love from that crowd —

[ cut to the crowd of protestors outside the studio, now starting to burn Buck in effigy ]

Buck Henry V/O: Feel them trying to get near me, trying to touch me, trying to get, uh, I don’t know, I suppose to share, in some sense, the feeling that I am someplace they want to be.

[ return to Home Base ]

Buck Henry: And if by touching me and experiencing what I’m experiencing, they join me in this kind of — they’re CRAZY about me! They don’t leave me alone for a second. And I want to thank you all for sharing in that same feeling, and we’ll be RIGHT back!

SNL Transcripts