[ open on an image of a painting of a vase of flowers ]
Tom Clay V/O: The great paintings in today’s world aren’t hanging in some dusty gallery or museum.
[ cut to Tom Clay delivering his pitch ]
Tom Clay: They’re where the action is! In the more than 2 million hotel-motel rooms in the United States and Puerto Rico! Hi! I’m Tom clay! for Hotel-Motel Art Fair! Hey, you ever read about those auctions where somebody pays $2 million for a single painting? Well, he’s got nothing on Hotel-Motel Art Fair! We’ve spent $3 million, and now we’ve got thousands of paintings! Everything from sofa-sized landscapes to bathroom miniatures, at prices so low.. it’s hard to believe these masterpieces were painted by hand! And they’re all gonna go out the door this weekend at the 44 Hotel-Motel Art Fairs throughout the United States – take a look at this!
[ holds up a painting of a surfside sunset ]
Sunrise In Malibu. Until just a couple of months ago, it was in Casa Housron in one of the Midwest leading motel chains! A new decorator comes in and now you can hang this beautiful view of a dynamite area in your home for a fraction of what you’d pay in a museum or art store! And the reason? It’s simple! Hotel-Motel Art Fair buys in enormous quantities from quality hotels-motels. Then we open our huge multi-color tents only on weekends, and then you pocket the difference! And.. when you buy from Hotel-Motel Art Fair, you have the satisfaction of hanging one of the world’s most seen paintings right in your very own home!
So what are you waiting for! Hotel-Motel Art Fair’s open all day tomorrow, and there’s gotta be one near you! Whatever you’re looking for – whether it’s landscape, seascape, clown, children, sports, sunsets, menacing animals! It’s gotta be Hotel-Motel Art Fair! hurry for best selection!
Hotel-Motel Art Fair! Where they won’t let you buy it unless it’s framed!
[ Eric Idle is carried in on a stretcher by two hospital interns ]
Eric Idle: [ coughing ] Good evening. [ coughs ] M-my doctor.. said I can go on as long as I’m not funny. [ light laughter from the audience ] Lorne said the show wasn’t funny anyway, so I might as well go on. [ audience laughs ] So.. we’d like to kick off here with a new breakthrough in comedy. We’d like to do some medical impersonations – in particular, some stretcher impersonations.
First of all, the racing driver Sterling Moss. Thank you. [ interns hold Idle’s stretcher straight, as he motions his hands as though driving a race car ] Thank you very much.
And now, Number Two: Superman! [ interns turn the stretcher on one side, as Idle extends his arms outward to simulate flying ] Thank you!
And now, Number Three: Esther Williams! [ interns flip stretcher upside-down, Idle moves his arms to simulate underwater swimming ]
Number Four: Jack LaLanne. [ Idle drops his arms to the floor, as front intern drops and raises the top half of stretcher to simulate Idle doing push-ups ]
I want a more complicated one this time.. [ interns balance the stretcher upright, leaning at an angle as Idle holds his arms flat against his sides ] The Leaning Tower of Pisa! Thank you!
Admiral Nelson! [ interns tilt the stretcher forward at a slight angle, as Idle arranges his hands as though peering through a telescope ] Thank you!
[ interns straighten the stretcher on its side, as Idle ties a black bandana around his eyes ] Gary Gilmore!
[ interns spin the stretcher in a circle, as Idle claps his hands up and down ] A lighthouse! Thank you!
And finally, a tribute to the Marine Corps. Iwo Jima! [ military music plays, as the interns get on the same side to lean the stretcher forward, with Idle waving a tiny American flag ]
[At Home Base, host Eric Idle pretends to be jugglingfive orange balls which are, in fact, connected by athin metal wire. After a moment, he stops andaddresses the camera.]
Eric Idle: [with a grand gesture] Ladies andgentlemen, Andy Kaufman!
[Cheers and applause as Idle exits and Kaufman enters,wearing his grandfather’s elegant calf-length Sulkabathrobe, tied at the waist. He descends the stairs toHome Base, nods and smiles to acknowledge the applauseand addresses the audience mildly:]
Andy Kaufman: In the old days, uh, they used tohave wrestlers who went from town to town across thecountry in carnivals and offer five hundred dollars–[clears throat] – to any man who could last threeminutes in the ring with them. What I’ve been doingfor the last two years is going from town to town, inmy concerts all over the country, offering fivehundred dollars to any woman in the audience who couldpin me in a wrestling match in three minutes. This isa very legitimate thing and, uh, the reason I choosewomen … is because I’m not an athlete, I’m not–[clears throat] I really don’t know that much aboutwrestling but, ah– I– So I feel if I chose a man, Imight get beaten. …
But I just don’t feel that a woman is capable ofbeating a man in a wrestling match. [crowd groans]And, um, I’m not trying to be chauvinistic or, youknow, make fun of the women’s lib movement or do anykind of thing like that but what I’m trying to say is,I just can’t conceive of a woman having thecapabilities to do that. Even if a woman was to trainhard for a long time, I don’t think that she could bephysically capable and also I don’t think that a womanis mentally capable to … [crowd objects] No, no, no,wait! Because you really need a certain– You reallyneed a certain kind of way of thinking … uh, towrestle, strategy and all that. And I just don’t thinkwomen think that way. I think that they’re mostly goodfor — and, I mean, you might laugh when I say this –but I think they’re good for scrubbing the potatoesand washing the carrots … putting it in the pot–[crowd groans, hisses, objects, some clap] Please. Uh,um, mopping the floors, raising the babies. I thinkalso the men– [crowd objects] The men have let thewomen come to a higher, you know, a higher positionthan they’re able– I think the men are a bunch ofpussy cats and pansies for letting this happen. And Ithink the men in this country are nothing but pitifulspecimens of manhood.
So, if there’s any woman out there tonight who wouldlike to prove me wrong, like to take me on in awrestling match, I’d like to call you up all now. Youcan just volunteer. Five hundred dollars to any womanthat could pin my shoulders in three minutes. Here’smy referee, Bob Zmuda.
[Bearded, bespectacled Bob Zmuda enters brisklywearing a referee’s striped shirt and carrying a handmike into which he speaks.]
Bob Zmuda: [to the crowd] Okay, you heard him.Five hundred dollars to the woman who can come up heretonight and in a fair wrestling match– [Mimi, a lithebrunette from the front row, steps up on stage andZmuda directs her] Just line up right over here. Wehave some more — [to the crowd] In a fair wrestlingmatch, pin his shoulders to the ground for the countof three. Anybody from upstairs? Come on up. Fivehundred dollars — here’s the money. [holds up a wadof cash as a tall woman in a dress arrives on stage]This is real. This is not set up! Right this way.Anybody else? [more volunteers approach, Zmuda countsthem] There’s one, two, three, four. Anybody else?Come on. [a very pregnant woman and a fourth womanjoin the others] … [a fifth woman runs through theaudience, Zmuda points to her] Here’s another one.We’ve got one here. Anybody upstairs? That’s it?Anybody else? Okay, fine. [five women have lined upnext to Zmuda] Let’s hear it for them – being verybrave. [cheers and applause] Very brave coming uphere. Let’s start off by asking them what their nameis. [Zmuda holds the mike up to each of the women]What’s your name?
Mimi: [the prettiest, most athletic one] MimiLambert.
Bob Zmuda: Mimi.
Ann: [tallest with eyeglasses] AnnMcKuen.
Bob Zmuda: Ann.
Linda: [extremely pregnant] LindaMichaels.
Bob Zmuda: Linda.
Kelly: Kelly Bolton.
Bob Zmuda: Kelly.
Debbie: Debbie White.
Bob Zmuda: Debbie. [to the crowd] Look at ’em.It’s up to you to choose, the audience to choose. …This is not set up. This is real. I’m gonna put myhand over their head. Now, vote for the girl — byclapping — who you think can pin Andy’s shoulders tothe ground for the count of three. Okay, here wego.
[Zmuda puts his hand over each woman’s head. Most ofthe women draw decent applause but Linda, the pregnantone, draws huge cheers and applause. Zmuda narrows itdown to Ann, the tall one, and Linda, who again drawsthe loudest response.]
Bob Zmuda: [commenting on the cheers for Linda]Four people up front that are doin’ this.
Andy Kaufman: [From offscreen, Kaufman asksZmuda to try the first girl, Mimi, again.] The one onthe end. Number One, she got a lot of–
Bob Zmuda: [to Kaufman, off Mimi] She wasclose?
[Zmuda narrows it down to Mimi and pregnant Linda.Linda again draws the bigger response.]
Bob Zmuda: [off Linda] I think it’s her. Ithink it’s her. [to the crowd] Let’s hear it for her.Let’s thank the rest. [Zmuda raises Linda’s arm aboveher head triumphantly, she laughs, the crowd cheersand applauds, Zmuda leads Linda over to a smallmakeshift wrestling ring complete with padded ringposts and ropes] Come right–
[The other women exit the stage and return to theirseats. A bell clangs a few times to signal that thematch is almost ready to begin.]
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] Take your shoes off,it’ll be a lot easier. [as Linda takes her shoes off,Zmuda addresses the crowd] I want to ask Mr. Kaufmanexactly why–
Andy Kaufman: [standing in the ring] I saidwhy. Because a woman– [takes microphone from Zmudaand uses it to address the crowd] I just want to say,I challenged, uh, Diana Nyad, the world’s– supposedlythe world’s strongest lady who swam to Cuba and back,she’s supposed to be so strong — I challenged her andshe said “No!” … Okay? She’s afraid. Okay? Here wego. … [hands the microphone back to Zmuda who iscollecting Linda’s valuables, Kaufman addresses Linda]Come on. [as Linda readies to enter the ring, astunned Kaufman points at her] You’re pregnant! [Lindabends over and enters the ring under the top rope] Howcan you wrestle me when you’re pregnant?
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] Wait. Wait, are youpregnant?
Andy Kaufman: Zmuda, she’s pregnant!
Bob Zmuda: You’re pregnant? This–
Andy Kaufman: Oh, man!
Bob Zmuda: No, are you – are youpregnant?
Andy Kaufman: [points off stage] Get the otherone. Get the other one in right now. [crowd cheersbriefly]
Bob Zmuda: Hold it just a second. [to Linda]Are you pregnant?
Linda: Yeah.
Bob Zmuda: You are? Wait, you arepregnant?
Linda: Yes.
Bob Zmuda: [to the crowd] She cannot do it. Shecan’t do it.
Andy Kaufman: [to Linda] Why did you come uphere when you’re pregnant? This is a realmatch!
Bob Zmuda: No, no, no, I’m sorry, I’msorry.
Andy Kaufman: You would hurt your baby.
Bob Zmuda: The next girl, who was close, Ithink–
Andy Kaufman: — was the tall one!
Bob Zmuda: [points to Mimi, the volunteer fromthe front row, who was not really the tall one – butwho remembers that now?] The tall one! Withthe–
[Cheers and applause as Linda exits the ring and Mimiarrives on stage.]
Andy Kaufman: [to Linda] How can you dothat?
Bob Zmuda: [to Linda] How could you come uppregnant like that?
[Mimi removes her skirt to reveal that she’s wearing apair of tights.]
Andy Kaufman: [to the crowd] Ladies andgentlemen, I must apologize. This lady is pregnant.Ah, we didn’t know that. Okay. Here we go.
[Linda collects her belongings and leaves the stage.Mimi removes her shoes and adjusts her tights duringthe following.]
Bob Zmuda: Okay, here we go. … [Zmuda entersthe ring and addresses the crowd] It’s a three minute,it’s a three minute round. It’s a three minute round.They– She has to pin Andy’s shoulders to the mat forthe count of three. He doesn’t have to pin her. Shehas to pin him. [to Mimi who enters the ring] Are youall ready?
Andy Kaufman: Now–
Bob Zmuda: [to Mimi] What’s your name?
Mimi: Mimi.
Bob Zmuda: Mimi, okay.
Andy Kaufman: [to Mimi] You’ve never seen mebefore, right?
Bob Zmuda: This is not set up. Okay, threeminutes.
Andy Kaufman: You’re not– [points to hertights] Why are you in those–?
Mimi: [casually] I’m a dancing–
Bob Zmuda: You’re dancing, okay. …
[Kaufman removes his bathrobe and tosses it outsidethe ring to reveal that he’s wearing white longjohnsunder black trunks with black socks. The bell rings tosignal the start of the match. Mimi immediately goesfor Kaufman’s legs to the delight of the crowd whichis clearly on her side, shouting, “Mimi!” “Come on,Mimi!” and other forms of encouragement.]
Andy Kaufman: [to the crowd] Shut up!
[Zmuda circles around the two wrestlers like aprofessional referee. The crowd is totally into it:”Come on, Mimi!” “Keep going!” We get a ratherimpressive shot of Mimi’s rear end as Kaufman grappleswith her. She backs him into one of the padded ringposts. “Go, Mimi!”]
Andy Kaufman: [to Mimi] Wait a minute, wait aminute …
[Kaufman maneuvers away from the post but Mimi forceshim back again, this time trapping Zmuda betweenKaufman and the post. “Go, Mimi, go!” Kaufmanillegally rabbit punches Mimi, the crowd roars itsobjection, and Kaufman raises his hands to protest hisinnocence. Kaufman puts Mimi in an armlock and forcesher back, allowing Zmuda to free himself.]
Andy Kaufman: She was biting, Zmuda!
Bob Zmuda: What?
Andy Kaufman: She was biting!
Bob Zmuda: No biting. No biting. Nobiting.
[Kaufman somehow manages to roll Mimi on her back. Thecrowd goes nuts: “Get up, Mimi!” “Push! Push!” “Comeon, Mimi” “Boo!” Kaufman nearly pins her but Mimitwists her body underneath him until she is on herstomach. Kaufman performs another illegal maneuver onher neck, then pulls her hair. She tries to grab forhis hair. Kaufman raises a hand to protest to Zmudaand knocks the referee’s eyeglasses off. Kaufman,still atop Mimi, politely hands the glasses back toZmuda. Mimi slips free and forces Kaufman to his feet.Hugging the back of his knees, she tries to topplehim. He finally falls and the crowd roars withdelight. But Kaufman quickly rolls her over on herback again and illegally knees her in the stomachseveral times. He’s clearly faking all of theseillegal moves but the crowd boos anyway. Zmuda pullshim away and gives him a warning. Kaufman risestriumphantly, arms in the air, and struts around thering, taunting the angry, booing crowd.]
Andy Kaufman: Shut up! Shut up! Shut–!
[Mimi jumps Kaufman from behind, grabbing his kneesand pulling him backward to the mat. Huge cheers andapplause as Kaufman goes down. Now, Kaufman grabs theback of Mimi’s knees and forces her gorgeous rear endup into the air. He calls for Zmuda to count her outbut her shoulders are not quite pinned so Zmuda cannotdo so. Abruptly, Mimi turns the tables on him andnearly pins him three times as the crowd goes berserk.Zmuda nearly counts out Kaufman but Kaufman alwaysmanages to kick free. Finally, Kaufman manages to getMimi on her back again and illegally chokes her. Thecrowd objects.]
Andy Kaufman: [atop Mimi, yelling at crowd] I’mnot chokin’! Come on! Competition! Let’s get somecompetition here!
[The match continues. The wrestlers trade advantage afew times before Kaufman finally pins an exhaustedMimi.]
Bob Zmuda: [counts her out, slapping the mat ashe does] One! Two! Three!
[The bell rings and the match is over — about threeminutes and fifteen seconds after it began.]
Bob Zmuda: He’s got it! He’s got it!
[Kaufman rises and pretends to kick the downed Mimiseveral times as the crowd boos. She tries to rise andhe shoves her down again. Zmuda separates them.Kaufman grabs the microphone and addresses thecamera.]
Andy Kaufman: Diana Nyad! I challenged you! Youchickened out! You swam to Cuba! [high-pitched voice]With all the sharks and the jellyfish! [resumestaunting] But you’re afraid to wrestle me?! Diana, Iwon’t offer you five hundred dollars! I’ll offer you–What do you want? I’ll offer you one thousand, twothousand — you want ten thousand dollars?! I’ll giveit to ya. If you could pin me here in this ring! Notonly that but I’ll have a barber here and, if you beatme, I will have my head shaved bald in front ofeveryone right here in the ring! Diana, any time,baby! I don’t think you can do it! … I don’tthink you can do it! Diana, do I hear you? [cluckslike a chicken] … Come on, baby! Wrestle me![applause, groans, plenty of boos and hisses asKaufman struts around] Shut up! Shutup!
[Fade out on Kaufman taunting the crowd. During this,we see Mimi Lambert — heiress to the Lacostesportswear fortune, dance student of Martha Graham’s– back in her front row seat, fixing herhair.]
Eric Idle: Thank you very much. good night, God bless you all! Thank you!
[ aud
Don Pardo V/O: This Wednesday, watch “The Best of Saturday Night Live”, with Steve Martin, at 10 p.m., 9 Central. Next Saturday: a “Saturday Night Live” encore performance, with host Michael Sarrazin. We’ll be back live two weeks from tonight, Novembver 3rd, with host Bill Russell and musical guest Chicago. This is Don “Proud As A Peacock” Pardo. Good night..
Dorothy Haagen … Laraine Newman Voice of Elvis … Andy Kaufman
[Jaunty organ music as a 1970s-era photo of ajumpsuited Elvis Presley singing passionately into amicrophone fills the screen.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Ask Elvis” withpsychic Dorothy Haagen.
[SUPER: Ask Elvis. Music out as we dissolve to asmiling big-haired blonde woman who sits in an easychair, with eyes closed and hands raised together inprayer.]
Dorothy Haagen: [an odd Irish-Southern accent,as if in a trance] Spirits speak to those who listen!Spirits listen to those who speak! [in a more normaltone, to the camera] Hello, I’m psychic DorothyHaagen. Today, we’ll [reverently] ask … Elvisan unusual kind of marriage per-oblem. And all becauseviewer Janette Blalock from Silver Springs, Texaswrote: “Dear Dorothy, I am engaged to be married to atruck-a driverrrr. I want to have a traditionalwedding but he says there’s a chapel outside a truckplaza in Atlanta and he’d like to have itthere. Would you please … [rolls eyes skyward, in ahushed tone] ask … Elvis … who he thinks isright?” Well, sweet spirit, a short time ago Iestab-a-lished contact with … Elvis and readhim your letter and here is what he said.
[As “Love Me Tender” plays, we dissolve to a small,white, slowly-rotating bust of Elvis Presley set in ablack background. The throaty Southern drawl of thelate Elvis Presley is heard:]
Voice of Elvis: Dear Janette: A man can be kindof funny sometimes – wh- when he embarks on somethin’as new and as frightenin’ as marriage. Maybe a fellerneeds to be surrounded by familiar places and faces.Hey. Why not let – let that truck driver man o’ yourshave his way on this? And then watch out, honey,because them gear jammers can really put your hammerdown. But, seriously, Janette. If the tension of thewedding preparations gets to be too much for you, whydon’t you just ask your doctor to prescribe sometranquilizers, sleepin’ aids and diet pills? And tellhim the King sent ya. Truly yours, Elvis.
[Image goes out of focus and we dissolve back toDorothy Haagen, smiling into the camera.]
Dorothy Haagen: Well, dear soul, I hope youremember to send Elvis an invitation to thewedding. In any case, for including your birth dateand time, here’s a bonus message from the spiritworrr-uld: Accept the new job offer and furtheryourself socially – and that’s for either you or yournew hus-a-band. If you have a problem youthink … Elvis could answer, why not write me,psychic Dorothy Haagen, care of your local station[SUPER: Psychic DOROTHY HAAGEN Care of your localstation] and I’ll ask … Elvis. Until nexttime, sweet spirits, remember: He who is ruled by thestars is a fool. He who lets the stars rule him isindeed wise. Good-bye.
[Jaunty organ music as we pull back and dissolve awayto the photo of Elvis in concert with the words “AskElvis” superimposed.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 5: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 20th, 1979 Eric Idle Bob Dylan None Buck Henry Andy Kaufman Bob Zmuda Peter Aykroyd Mitchell Laurance Eric is SickSummary: Buck Henry begs Lorne Michaels to let him host the show in place of a near-death Eric Idle. Transcript
MontageNote: Don Pardo introduces SNL’s newest performer by saying, “And a little of Harry Shearer.”
Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Confined to a stretcher, Eric Idle performs a new breed of medical impressions that require little movement. Transcript
Hotel-Motel Art FairSummary: Pitchman Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) promotes the exquisite art treasures being sold at the acclaimed Hotel-Motel Art Fair. Recurring Characters: Tom Clay. Transcript
Shoe StoreSummary: A shoe salesman (Eric Idle) complicates his customer’s (Bill Murray) simple request for a size 10 and-a-half pair of brown shoes. Transcript
Bob Dylan performs “Gotta Serve Somebody”
Prince Charles Tells You How To Pick Up Girls!Summary: Prince Charles’ (Eric Idle) new book demonstrates the best methods for picking up girls. Recurring Characters: Prince Charles.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Political correspondent Gerald Hacker (Harry Shearer) reports on a presidential straw vote held in England. Economic advisor Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from discussing the increase in mortgage rates to social gaffes by designer Yves St. Laurent. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
Hardcore IISummary: A teenager (Laraine Newman) searches for her long-lost father (Bill Murray), who’s now working as a transvestite stripper.
Bob Dylan performs “I Believe in You”
Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman wrestles a random female audience member. Transcript
Heavy SarcasmSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) is extra sarcastic towards her guests (Eric Idle, Bill Murray) on her show’s final broadcast. Recurring Characters: Joan Face. Transcript
Ask ElvisSummary: Psychic Dorothy Haagen (Laraine Newman) channels the spirit of Elvis Presley (Andy Kaufman) to offer advice to her troubled viewers. Transcript
Tourist #1…..Steve Martin Tourist #2…..Bill Murray
[ Tourist #1 wanders onto set, looks straight into camera inquisitively with a dumb look on his face ]
Tourist #1: What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What’s that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How’d that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!
[ Tourist #2 wanders onto the set to take a bewildered look ]
Tourist #2: What the hell is that?
Tourist #1: I don’t know what the hell that is!
Tourist #2: What in the hell is that?!
Tourist #1: Hey, you kids! Get away from there!
Tourist #2: I would not mess with that thing..
Tourist #1: Don’t put your lips on it!
Tourist #2: [ ever curious ] What the hell is this?
Tourist #1: Well.. get a photo of me with it, anyway!
[ Tourist #1 hands camera to Tourist #2, then walks away from camera view to have his picture taken ]
Tourist #2: Be careful with that thing. [ snaps Tourist #1’s picture, as spark of ingenuity develops on his face ] Oh, I know what that is!
Tourist #1: [ returns next to Tourist #2 ] Well, what the hell is it?!
Tourist #2: [ looks closer ] What is that thing..?
Tourist #1: I don’t even care what it is. [ pause ] What the hellis that?!
Tourist #2: I don’t know what the hell that thing is.
Centurion…..Steve Martin Lieutenant…..Tom Davis Captain…..Garrett Morris Pizza Delivery Woman…..Gilda Radner Guard…..Peter Aykroyd Juvenile Delinquent Vandal…..Al Franken Mr. Gundrick…..Bill Murray Mrs. Gundrick…..Jane Curtin
Announcer: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Among the barbarian hordes who sacked and pillaged their way across Europe during the waning years of the Roman Empire, no tribe was more notorious than The Vandals, a Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion during the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul, where they quickly became the most feared tribe in the known world – that is, the world as it was known at that time. In saying this, we do not mean to take anything away from the Visigoths, Lumbards, Huns, Francs or Ostragoths. These nomadic groups were certainly terrifying in their own way. But the Vandals.. were unbelievable.”
[ dissolve to a Roman encampment covered with toilet paper ]
[ SUPER: “A Roman Encampment – Somewhere Near The River Elbe – A.D. 419” ]
[ a pair of juvenile Vandals run into the scene, ??? ]
Vandals: Centurion! Centurion! [ they run ]
[ Centurion exits his tent ]
Centurion: Hello! What’s going on out here, who is it? [ looks down to discover the fire in front of his tent ] Oh, no! [ stomps the fire out with his foot, squirting excrement across the grass ] Ohhhhhh! Oh, no! Now, who would do a thing like that?! Guard! [ Guard steps forward ] Give me your sword! [ takes Guard’s sword and scrapes the excrement off the bottom of his sandal ] These are my new sandals! Awww! Guard! Who’s responsible for this?!
Lieutenant: Apparently, we were attacked during the night, sir.
Centurion: Attacked? By whom?
Lieutenant: [ confused ] The Vandals, sir.
Centurion: Vandals, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: Yes, sir. A Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion in the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul-
Centurion: Don’t give me any of your fancy military school nonsense! I know you graduated cum laude! Now, I want a full report of the damage!
Lieutenant: Well, sir.. we have a score of badly-soiled sandals.. the tires on your chariot were slashed.. and it appears the entire camp has been TPed, sir.
Centurion: TPed?
Lieutenant: Covered with toilet paper, sir.
Centurion: Is that.. dangerous?
Lieutenant: Well.. if it rains..
[ Captain comes running in, covered with eggs ]
Captain: Centurion! Centurion!
Centurion: Captain! What happened?
Captain: We were in pursuit of the Vandals, sir! We were egged!
Centurion: Egged?
Captain: Yes!
Lieutenant: Pelted with rotten eggs, sir.
Captain: Every last man! I’m afraid Marcus caught one right in the face. He never saw it coming!
Lieutenant: [ chuckling ] Of all the men, it would be Marcus!
Centurion: That’s not funny, Lieutenant! He could have put someone’s eye out!
Captain: Uh.. request permission to change armor, sir!
Centurion: By all means, Captain, you’re stinknig up the whole camp!
Captain: With all due respect, sir, your sandals take the cake! [ exits scene ]
Centurion: What a mess! Look at this! Now, who would do something like this?! I mean, I don’t understand it! What possible pleasure could someone derive from this?!
Lieutenant: They think it’s funny, sir?
Centurion: Funny?! Destroying property and endangering human life is funny?!
Lieutenant: Evidently, they think so.
Centurion: Tell me, Lieutenant – how is it you know so much about these Vandals?
Lieutenant: Several years ago, sir.. we rented our beach house in Capri to some Vandals. Some weeks later, when we returned, the house was a complete shambles. We still can’t use the atrium. It’s terrible..
Centurion: Well, that’s just sick! I guess this is just another example of the decline of the Roman Empire!
Lieutenant: A sign of the times, sir.. it makes one sad when-
[ Pizza Delivery Woman clambors forward ]
Pizza Delivery Woman: Pizza delivery!
Centurion: [ more confused ] What-at?! I ordered no pizza! Did you, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: No, sir.
Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, who is, uh.. [ reading order slip ] “Centurion Likus Flavus”
Centurion: I am he.
Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, according to this, you ordered three anchovy pizzas.
Centurion: But! This cannot be! I ordered no pizza!
Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, someone has to pay for it! I walked ten miles with these, and I’m not leaving here until I’m paid!
Centurion: Ohhhh.. very well.. [ relunctanlt takes out his money ] ..but it does not seem fair!How could such a thing have happened?!
[ Pizza Delivery Woman takes the money and exits the scene ]
Lieutenant: Sir, I have a theory. Perhaps this is the work of the Vandals.
Centurion: But why would they do such a thing?
Lieutenant: To vex us, sir.
Centurion: Then, they shall not succeed! We shall hunt them down, and force them to pay for these pizzas!
[ Guard enters scene with the Juvenile Vandal clutched to a cross ]
Guard: Centurion! Centurion, we’ve captured one of the Vandals! He and his friends were throwing a dead cat into the aquaduct!
Centurion: Now we’ll get around to the bottom of this! You’re in a great deal of trouble, young man! What’s your name?
Juvenile Vandal: [ nonchalantly ] Augustus Caeser!
Centurion: [ twists the young boy’d ear ] Don’t get smart with me! What’s your name?!
Juvenile Vandal: [ relunctantly ] Brad Gundrick. But you can’t call my parents, because they aren’t home!
Guard: He’s lying, sir! We’ve summoned his parents, they should be here at any moment!
[ Mr. And Mrs. Gundrick enter the scene, devestated at their surroundings ]
Mr. Gundrick: Where is he? He’s humiliated me for the last time! Alright, mister.. I’ve had it with you! [ twists his son’s ear ] Where did you ever learn to pull stunts.. like.. that?!
Juvenile Vandal: [ bored ] I dunno..
Mrs. Gundrick: Ohhh..
Mr. Gundrick: Careful, honey..
Mrs. Gundrick: Brad.. Brad, look at me.. [ Brad turns away ] Look at me! Brad, why do you do this? Do you do this to hurt us?
Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..
Mrs. Gundrick: We’ve given you everything! You wanted the spiked sword, we gave you the spiked sword.. you wanted the slave girl, we gave you the slave girl.. Is this how you thank us?
Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..
Centurion: Answer your mother when she talks to you!
Mr. Gundrick: I’ll tell you one thing: you can forget that trip to Spain, because you’re ground-ed, you fellow!
Juvenile Vandal: I wasn’t doing anything everybody else wasn’t doin’!!
Mrs. Gundrick: I suppose if everyone jumped off a cliff, you’d do that, too?
Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..
Centurion: We appreciate your coming down, Mr. and Mrs. Gundrick. We will consider this your son’s first offense. But there is still the little matter of some damages. I paid for pizzas even though I ordered no pizzas!
Mr. Gundrick: Well, I think this is coming out of someone’s allowance.
Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you, Centurion. I’m sorry our son had to be involved in this. And I’d like to say it’s reassuring to find a Roman magistrate who understands problems children face growing up in nomadic hordes.. changing schools all the time..
Mr. Gundrick: Alright, dear.. let’s not take up any more of the Centurion’s valuable time. Thank you, sir.
Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you. [ to Brad ] Isn’t there something you’ve forgotten to say, Brad?
Juvenile Vandal: [ unwillingly ] I’m sor-ry..
Centurion: I don’t ever want to see you back here again, young man.
Mr. Gundrick: Goodbye, Centurion.
Centurion: [ as the Gundricks depart from the scene ] You are very lucky to have parents like those, Brad. you listen to them! They’re good parents! [ with the Gundricks now out of sight, Centurion turns to his Lieutenant ] Lieutenant.. have the three of them put to death. And cut off their heads and put them on some poles out in front of the camp.
Lieutenant: Right, sir.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “It was easy to kill a few Vandals, but not so easy to kill.. an idea. Throughout the course of Western History, vandalism has remained a major force in civilization. And so long as man erects monuments, with imagination and ingenuity.. there will be those who spray-paint them, and knock them over.”
[ camera zooms out on the studio ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up Next: “Kissinger-Frost Stoop Tag Playoffs” ]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
Well, the results are in from the Democratic countycaucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortablycarried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The onehe almost lost was Dade County where his mother wasactively campaigning. … The politically sharp Mr.Carter said he was pleased with his victory andimmediately appointed his mother ambassador toZimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections areover.
In Washington, President Carter has announced that hewill continue to use town meetings as a forum forreaching the people. A member of the president’s staffsaid that the next such meeting will probably takeplace in the small Massachusetts town ofChappaquiddick. …
Bill?
Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announcedthis week that city radio station WNYC would startbroadcasting the names of men arrested withprostitutes in an effort to frighten potentialpatrons. The prostitutes themselves will have theirnames listed in the newspapers along with their phonenumbers and prices. …
Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens andlobsters with him on his trip to New York as asecurity precaution against poisoned American food.These animals will taste each of Castro’s meals forhim to make sure that they’re safe to eat. …[applause]
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governorRichard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draftformer president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, “Ifthe nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will chooseGerald Ford.” Mr. Ford reportedly replied, “I’ll haveto wait and see which nation I’m being offered to. …I hope it’s Guatemala — it’s Betty’s home town.”…
Bill?
Bill Murray: [not paying attention, headbobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] “Sixteenounces and just one calorie …”
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes andchattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeetsstormed New York’s Chrysler building demanding smallelectric cars to drive in their cages. …Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and endedup highly embarrassed. Ha! …
The General Motors corporation announced today that itwill be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobilesin response to numerous complaints by their owners. AGM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reportsthat the upholstery in both these vehicles is now oldand musty-smelling. …
A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday thatthere was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster thanaspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain relieverthan aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myerscompany, to stop making false advertising claims. TheBristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached forcomment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaaludeheadache. …
Jane, just what do you take for a headache?
Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] …
Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. JamesEarl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today.The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. isserving a life sentence in Brushy MountainPenitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visitswith his wife Anna. To celebrate their paperanniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemadescratch-and-sniff greeting cards. … [quite a fewgroans from the crowd]
Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this weekthat tests neither prove nor disprove that thecontroversial Shroud of Turin is actually the twothousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ.Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report theimminent merchandising of a new designer line, GloriaVanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in theSpring.
Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was amongthe two hundred and forty traveling press people whocovered the Pope’s United States tour. I bet it wasquite a thrill. How did it go, Father?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father GuidoSarducci, gossip columnist for the Vaticannewspaper.]
Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a realthrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I’m alittle down. I have what my psychiatrist calls”post-papal depression.” … Was such a high, youknow, bein’ on that tour and now it’s over. Only thingI didn’t like about the tour was the merchandising.They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters,banners, anything you can think of. You know, you cancall me anti-materialistic if you want to but I justdon’t think it’s right for somebody to make a T-shirt,put a person’s picture on it, and then not to givethat person part of the percentage of the profits. …I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. [holds up a PopeT-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it’s not justfor the T-shirt you buy it — it’s because the Pope ison it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C.Penney’s ‘stead of going through all the traffic andcrowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I’ll tell youwhat he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off.First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. …[applause]
And it was – it was the same thing with his recordalbum. He was in Poland couple of months ago and hewas just singin’ some songs with these Polishstudents. Somebody must’ve had a cassette taperecorder. First thing, there’s albums out all overEurope and now even in the United States. This is it.[holds up an album ] They said this has shipped doubleplatinum. … That’s a lot of albums. And the Popegets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from thiswhatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album’cause, you know, it bein’ so bad to him, but thetruth is, it’s a pretty good album. … The mancan sing, he really can. … I mean, he’s noSmokey Robinson but … if you like Polish folk songs,this is the album for you. … [applause]
A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of ’emsold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out.The best seller — but it was not hardly good sellerat all, I don’t think it even made the charts — iswhat they call his “White Album” [holds up an albumresembling the Beatles’ White Album] … Came out inthe early seventies. And it had a really nice posterinside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope outof the album] … This one’s kind of soiled ’cause Ihad it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. … Butmy favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album.Was called “The Second Collection.” [holds up anotheralbum with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover]Well, this was the first Pope album that featuredmodern graphics. It’s kind of psychedelic. … I likeit. He looks– Kind of smiling there — looks prettygood. … My favorite Pope album of all, though, wasmade in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an”oldie” nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lotof bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thoughthe was better than everybody else. But, say what youwant about him, the man made a very, very good album.Was called, “Here’s Looking Down at You” [holds upanother album with photo of seated Pope wavingdownward to people below] … It just never got thepush that it should have but I hope now that there’smore interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.
It’s amazing to me all the interest in the Pope lastcouple weeks. I think it’s because of John Paul’svisit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason,people are buyin’ these posters that show all of thePopes and people want to know what their names are,what their real names are, when they was livin’, whenthey died, all that stuff. And, going along with thisPapal mania, I’ve kind of designed a contest about thePopes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up ofthe surface of a pizza] It’s called “Find the Popes inthe Pizza” … All two hundred and fifty-four Popes,they’re in here. … And, what we’re gonna do in aboutone minute, we’re gonna put a close-up of this on yourscreen and, you at home, all you have to do is getsome, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can seethrough and paste it to your screen — or tape it,whatever you want — and all you gotta do is get apencil and draw a circle around every place you see apicture of a Pope. And, while we’re doing this–
Well, I think what I’m gonna do for the prize, whoeverwins — you know, finds the most Popes — they’ll getto have a button that I designed myself. I noticed onthe tour, the best selling button was this. [holds upbutton] It says, “I Got a Peek at the Pope” … And Idesigned a button that I think even more people canrelate to. [holds up another button] It says, “I sawthe Pope on TV” … This is what you win. And now, Ithink, we’re about ready. So while you’re looking atthe pizza for thirty seconds, I’m gonna play a cutfrom Pius XII’s album. … Here is Pius XII singing”On the Sunny Side of the Street” … And now find thePope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundredand fifty-four.
[A jazz recording of the old pop song “On the SunnySide of the Street” plays as we dissolve to close-upof the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, butalso cheese and one rather large image of a Popesitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner.The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. Aclock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left handcorner as Father Sarducci’s voice chimes in withoccasional helpful hints.]
Some are easy to find, some are hard. … Here’s alittle clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces…. Here’s another clue. One of them is in the rightside of the screen. … Behind the desk.
[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to FatherSarducci at the desk.]
Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now,all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up,put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up anenvelope] “Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest” … 30Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And Isuggest that up here you put your return address. Andthe reason for that is when you go to the mailbox,just before you put it into the slot, you look hereand it reminds you of where you should go back to. …Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci,America!
Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to lookfor a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays alongand points one out as we go to commercial.]
Don Kirschner…..Paul Shaffer Carole King…..Laraine Newman Henry……Steve Martin Mugger…..Garrett Morris
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Don Kirschner in studio ]
Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner… and welcome to “Great Moments in Rock History”! A show that tells the stories behind the hits… the loves, the fears, the anxieties, the depressings, the inspirations… which come together… to make up… the rock and roll industry! Tonight… “Great Moments” looks… at a great lady: Miss Carole King! For most, it is impossible to pinpoint… the greatest moment in an artist’s career… but not for me, Don Kirschner! To ME… Carole King’s GREATEST moment… was when she wrote her GREATEST hit… “You’ve Got A Friend”! So, tonight, “Great Moments”… takes you… to Upper West Side, New York… where Carole King’s GREATEST moment… becomes our GREAT Moment… in Rock History!
[ image pixellates to exterior stoop of Carole King’s apartment ]
[ the door opens, as Carole and a male friend step outside ]
Henry: Please, Carole! I think I should stay the night, I — I gotta TALK to somebody, I feel so — so — confused and depressed!
Carole King: Listen, Henry — you know, I know how you feel, honey, I really do. It’s just that I’m on a roll, I’m 90% finished with this song!
Henry: Carole. I know you’ve always been there for me. Tonight, I don’t know what — I just feel depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do! [ he breaks into tears ]
Carole King: [ consoling him ] Hey, listen — I know. I’ve been there before. But, listen, I want you to go home and phone me when you get there. You promise me you’ll do that, because I’m worried about you. Will you do that?
Henry: [ nodding ] Okay.
Carole King: Okay.
[ she kisses him, then promptly shuts the door into his dejected face ]
[ Henry slowly walks down the steps of the stoop, as Carole appears at the piano in the bay window and begins to play and sing ]
Carole King: [ singing ] “When you’re down and troubled And you need someone to care And nothing, nothing’s going right…”
[ as Henry reaches the sidewalk, a Mugger rises from behind the stoop and holds a switchblade to Henry’s face ]
Mugger: Okaaayyy, honkie, give me your cash!
Henry: [ smiling ] You can’t get away with this! [ he points toward the window ] I’ve got a friend in there — all I have to do is call! Listen — you can hear her sing!
Mugger: Uh, yeah, yeah — I hear, man.
Henry: See! I’ll just call her!
Mugger: Yeah, I’m shakin’, man.
[ the Mugger stabs Henry in the chest with his switchblade, then grabs his wallet from his back pocket and walks away ]
Carole King: [ singing ] “You just call out my name…”
Henry: [ bleeding profusely ] CAROLE!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “And you know whereever I am…”
Henry: PLEASE, CAROLE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “I’ll come running…”
Henry: HURRY, CAROLE!!! RUN!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “…to see you again…”
Henry: CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “Winter, spring, summer, or fall…”
Henry: NOW, CAROLE!! NOW!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “All you gotta do is call…”
Henry: CAR-OLLLLLE!!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “And I’ll be there…”
Henry: I’M ALMOST DEAD, CAROLE!!! HELP ME, CAROLE!!!
[ Carole stands up and walks over to the open window ]
Henry: OH, CAROLE!! THANK YOU!!
[ Carole slams the window shut ]
Henry: CARO-O-O-OLLLLE!!!
Carole King: [ continues singing ] “Don’t you know, that you’ve got a friend.”
Henry: CAROLE, I NEED YOU!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “People can be so cold.They’ll hurt you…”
Henry: I’VE BEEN HU-U-URT!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “…and desert you.”
Henry: I’VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “And they’ll take your soul if you let them.”
Henry: I THINK HE PUNCTURED MY KIDNEY IN HERE!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “Oh, but don’t you let them…”
Henry: I’M DYING NOW, CAROLE!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “You just call out my name…”
Henry: CAROLE KI-I-I-INNNGGG!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “…and you know wherever I am.”
Carole King: [ singing ] “All you’ve got to do is call.”
Henry: CAROLLLLE!!!!!!
Carole King: [ singing ] “And I’ll be there, yes I will. You’ve got a friend.”
[ Henry’s eyes glaze over and he dies ]
Carole King: [ singing ] “Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend.”
[ the song complete, Caroel stands and turns out the lights ]
[ screen pixellates back to Don Kirschner ]
Don Kirschner: Carole King’s friend, Henry Adelman, died on arrival… at Lennox Hill Hospital… but he did not die in vain… for his death provided Carole with the inspiration… for another million-selling monster hit… “It’s Too Late, Baby”! See you next week… for another “Great Moment in Rock History.”
Air Date:
Eric is Sick
Summary: Buck Henry begs Lorne Michaels to let him host the show in place of a near-death Eric Idle.
Summary: Confined to a stretcher, Eric Idle performs a new breed of medical impressions that require little movement.
Summary: Pitchman Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) promotes the exquisite art treasures being sold at the acclaimed Hotel-Motel Art Fair.
Summary: A shoe salesman (Eric Idle) complicates his customer’s (Bill Murray) simple request for a size 10 and-a-half pair of brown shoes.
Summary: Prince Charles’ (Eric Idle) new book demonstrates the best methods for picking up girls.
Summary: Political correspondent Gerald Hacker (Harry Shearer) reports on a presidential straw vote held in England. Economic advisor Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from discussing the increase in mortgage rates to social gaffes by designer Yves St. Laurent.
Summary: A teenager (Laraine Newman) searches for her long-lost father (Bill Murray), who’s now working as a transvestite stripper.
Summary: Andy Kaufman wrestles a random female audience member.
Summary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) is extra sarcastic towards her guests (Eric Idle, Bill Murray) on her show’s final broadcast.
Summary: Psychic Dorothy Haagen (Laraine Newman) channels the spirit of Elvis Presley (Andy Kaufman) to offer advice to her troubled viewers.
