[ A police officer is carefully sliding a brown box wrapped in yarn out from underneath a staircase. Husband and wife are standing by anxiously in their pajamas ]
Officer: Nothing to worry about. Someone from the bomb squad will be here any second.
[ On cue, the bomb squad man comes down the stairs, carrying a black leather bag with him. Slowly, he puts down his bag and takes off his jacket, looking at the mysterious package ]
Bomb Expert: Yeah, looks pretty suspicious, Stronski. If I were you I’d get these people upstairs, calmly. Don’t panic, just get the people across the street and out of the buidling, OK?
[ The officer leads the couple up the stairs. Halfway up, the wife stops ]
Wife: Well, what are we gonna…
Bomb Expert: (panicked) GET OUT OF HERE!
[ The officer rushes the couple upstairs. The Bomb Expert takes out a piece of string and from his bag and ties it to the string that’s already around the box. He crouches behind a large wooden crate and gives the string a couple of tugs, moving the box a few inches. He then goes back to the box and takes it and his bag over to the crate. The expert takes a stethoscope out of his bag and listens to the box, giving it a couple of taps with his finger. He takes out a pair of scissors from his bag and cuts the string on the box, then he opens it. A hand launches a cream pie into his face, although it accidentally misses him, causing Chevy to slightly crack up ]
Bomb Expert: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”
[Light piano music under a graphic that reads: BACKSTAGE BANTER. Dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on a talk show set, addressing the camera.]
Jane Curtin: Good evening and welcome to Backstage Banter. I’m Jane Curtin and tonight’s guest is truly a remarkable woman. One of the foremost male impersonators working today. [pull back to reveal a man in a tuxedo seated beside her] Let’s welcome Ms. Sheila Ellington. [applause] May I call you “Sheila”?
Sheila Ellington: Aw, you know you can, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Sheila, your transformation from a woman into the man sitting next to me is – is astounding.
Sheila Ellington: Thank you. I guess I’m, uh, good at what I do.
Jane Curtin: You’re the best. May I ask you how long it takes you to get into make-up?
Sheila Ellington: Well, I’ve got it down to about three hours, now — that’s including, uh, cummerbund and stubble.
Jane Curtin: I was going to ask you how you got that naturalistic stubble effect.
Sheila Ellington: Ah! Chocolate jimmies. I glue ’em on, one at a time.
Jane Curtin: That’s ingenious.
Sheila Ellington: Mm hm. Mm hm.
Jane Curtin: [to the camera] Chocolate jimmies, in case you don’t know, are the brown sprinkle candies you dip ice cream cones into.
Sheila Ellington: I also use them in my baking. Terrific.
Jane Curtin: Well, they ARE terrific. Sheila, do you have that picture of your family with you, tonight?
Sheila Ellington: I sure do. It’s right here. [picks up photo and hands it to Jane who holds it up to the camera — it’s a black and white 8×10 of a family of four with the mother seated] That’s me seated there.There. [Of course, the woman pictured looks nothing like “Sheila Ellington”] And, uh, that’s Edie, my daughter, she’s thirteen. That’s my husband Edward. And my – my young son, uh, Ricky — he’s ten. Hi,kids. [lights a cigarette]
Jane Curtin: Well, Sheila, you’re all woman in this picture.
Sheila Ellington: Thank you.
Jane Curtin: Can I ask you how you manage to disguise your secondary sexual characteristics?
Sheila Ellington: Uh, yoga breath control. And, uh, masking tape. Always helps. Really holds ’em in there. I mean, I – I never jiggle when I’m onstage. Ever. [winces] Ohh.
Jane Curtin: What’s the matter?
Sheila Ellington: It’s cramps. [waves dismissively] It’s all right.
Jane Curtin: Perhaps you could tell us a little bit about your one-woman show.
Sheila Ellington: Well, I, uh, I sing, I dance, and, uh, I do impersonations of famous actors.
Jane Curtin: Could you do one for us now?
Sheila Ellington: Well, I–
Jane Curtin: Oh, come on! Let’s have it. [encourages audience’s applause]
Sheila Ellington: Well, I don’t – I don’t usually do this, I don’t have the band here, I do this in my act but, uh, I could do, uh, Rod Steiger singing. [Jane nods her encouragement] Okay, here goes. [imitates anasal, tuneless Rod Steiger] “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do – Two could be as bad as one – It’s the loneliest number since the number one – Do you understand what I’m talking about?” [applause]
Jane Curtin: Isn’t that great? Sheila, let me ask you one question.
Sheila Ellington: Yeah.
Jane Curtin: In your stage career as a male impersonator, what was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?
Sheila Ellington: Well, you see, I – I wear socks down there and once, I guess, it came out of my panties–
Jane Curtin: No, Sheila, I was referring to the mouse.
Sheila Ellington: Oh. The mouse. Oh, yeah. Right. [embarrassed, reluctantly] Well, once during my act, uh, a little tiny mouse, uh, ran across the stage. And, out of instinct, I guess, I just jumped on achair. I started yelling, “Eek! Eek!”
Jane Curtin: Tell me, Sheila, where will you be appearing next?
Sheila Ellington: Well, Jane, I’ll be taking some time off. You see, uh, I’m expecting a baby in a few weeks.
Jane Curtin: Ohhh. You don’t even show!
Sheila Ellington: Masking tape.
Jane Curtin: Oh! Well, I’d like to thank Sheila Ellington very much. She’s truly a remarkable woman. Let’s give her all a good hand.
[Applause. Dissolve back to the BACKSTAGE BANTER graphic.]
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Parts:
January 24th, 1976 Peter Cook Dudley Moore Neil Sedaka The Muppets None George Coe Neil Levy Tom Schiller Paul Shaffer Alan Zweibel Bomb SquadSummary: A bomb squad expert (Chevy Chase) gets hit in the face with a cream pie while attmepting to deactivate a bomb. Note: The actor hidden under the box accidentally misses Chevy Chase’s face when he “activates” the bomb. Chevy and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore will perform a Take Two at the end of the show during the Goodnights. Transcript
Montage
Peter Cook & Dudley Moore’s MonologueSummary: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform their popular BBC sketch, “One Leg Too Few,” with Cook as the casting agent who interviews Moore as a one-legged man auditioning for the role of Tarzan. Bio: Comedian Peter Cook (1937-95) first worked with Dudley Moore on the British stage show, “Beyond the Fringe”, then later partnered together on the BBC series “Not Only… But Also.” They also starred in the 1967 comedy film, “Bedazzled.” Bio: Short, club-footed actor Dudley Moore (1935-2002) moved to Hollywood in the late 1970’s, where a played a supporting role in “Foul Play” and later headlined the films “10” and “Arthur.” Also Appeared: 85h Transcript
Lifer FolliesSummary: Auditions are held for a jailhouse production of “Gigi”. Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis. Note: John Belushi’s Steve Bushakis character shows up randomly in a handful of sketches during Belushi’s tenure at Saturday Night Live. The character, who has no gimmick to his appearances, is named after a childhood friend of Belushi’s in Chicago. Transcript
Neil Sedaka performs “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”Bio: A popular singer/songwriter during the late 50’s/early 60’s, Neil Sedaka (1939-) returned to the pop charts in 1976 with an updated ballad version of his 1962 hit, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.”
Don Pardo’s Holiday In An ElevatorSummary: Take a low-cost vacation in an elevator this year. Another exciting destination lurks behind the door of each floor. Transcript
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase’s wrong number reaches Angela’s roommate Jane Curtin instead of Angola prison. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) questions the fuss about “saving Soviet jewelry”. With help from a showering Alan Zweibel, Chevy repeats the top story for wet people. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
Middle-American Van LinesSummary: Used to move people, not their possessions. Note: Repeat from 10/25/75
Table TalkSummary: Dudley Moore interviews the owner (Peter Cook) of The Frog and Peach Restaurant.
“The Paramount Novelty Store”Summary: Gary Weis’ short film chronicles novelty store owner who has to explain the joke of each item in his inventory.
British Sonny & Cher sing “I Got You Babe”Summary: The British version of Sonny (Dudley Moore) & Cher (Peter Cook) trade barbs.
The MuppetsSummary: Gilda Radner explains to a bee-clad Scred (Jerry Nelson) that The Muppets have been cut from tonight’s show, but lets him introduce Neil Sedaka. Transcript
Neil Sedaka performs “Lonely Night”
Backstage BanterSummary: Jane Curtin interviews male impersonator Sheila Ellington (John Belushi). Transcript
AttractiveSummary: Husband (Chevy Chase) & wife (Jaqueline Carlin) don’t use products to be attractive. Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.
Organ HarvestingSummary: A team of doctors (Dudley Moore, Tom Schiller, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) ignore the fact that their patient (Garrett Morris) is alive before removing his vital organs. Transcript
Shephard InterviewSummary: A shephard (Peter Cook) tells Matthew (Dudley Moore) about his experience seeing the Baby Jesus.
GoodnightsNote: Chevy Chase and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform a Take Two of the ending of the Bomb Squad sketch from the beginning of the show. Transcript
…..Chavy Chase Janitor…..Garrett Morris Henry Zuckerman…..Buck Henry …..Alan Zweibel
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ into the phone ] Noooo, I love it when you keep your eyes open. [ he smiles wantonly, then looks up and suddenly sees the camera ] I gotta go! Bye. [ he hangs up ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase… and I love you all very deeply.
Our top story tonight. Dateline, New York: Medical history is made in a stunning revelation this afternoon. Doctors and researchers at the Columbian-Presbyterian Medical Center have discovered that it is white mice that cause cancer.
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, en route to Moscow, will stop at the Miami Super Bowl, in an attempt to reach a settlement between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. On the way back from Moscow, Kissinger will see King Juan Carlos of Spain, and will also visit Francisco Franco, who is still seriously dead.
Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won’t be able to join Mr. Kissinger in miami tomorrow, saying that he is flying to boston for the first game of the World Series.
Well, the body of Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai was cremated this week in a cemetary near Peking. In what officials have called a Szechwan-style burial, Zhou was ceremoniously placed on a bed of rice and smothered with Oriental spices. In deference to their fallen leader, China has honored the late Premier by naming a new dish after him: Moo Goo Guy Dead.
[ image: Tomy Orlando and Freddie Prinze ] Hollywood’s best kept secret became public today, when Mt. Sinai Hospital released this rare photograph of Siamese twins Tony Orlando and Freddie Prinze, taken before the operation that separated them. Few people knew that the popular TV personalities were born joined at the hip, with two of Tony’s fingers growing out of Freddie’s left shoulder. Reached by phone, Orlando commented that he still feels close to his brother, and added, “I always know when Freddie is reading, because my lips move just a little.”
Following recent disclosures that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has promised his mother, Mrs. Rose Kennedy, that he will not run for the presidency in her lifetime, Democratic hopefuls birched by Hubert Humphrey, Henry Jackson, and ex-governor Jimmy Carter have also telephoned Mrs. Kennedy and promised her the same thing. Humphrey aides say they believe it could be a wise political move.
Campaign close-up ’76! On the campaign trail today, Sen. Fred Harris of Oklahoma denied allegations that he combs his hair with buttered toast.
Well, always controversial, always candid, always innovative… First Lady Betty Ford revealed that she has discovered a new, full-proof method of birth control. Before going to bed at night, she gives the President a stick of chewing gum.
Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” has been having some difficulty in the last few weeks connecting up with our correspondent in Angola, because of the heavy fighting reported there. The lines of communication, however, have now been repaired, I’m happy to say, so, right now, let’s go live via satellite to our offices in war-torn Luanda, Angloa, for a telephone report from correspondent Susan McCormick. [ he picks up the phone ]
[ on the monitor, we see the image of a janitor mopping up in an office, as the phone begins to ring ]
Janitor: [ he picks up ] Hello?
Chevy Chase: Hello? Susan?
Janitor: Uh… there’s nobody here.
Chevy Chase: Is this Angola, live?
Janitor: This is Angola any way you want to look at it! Who is this?
Chevy Chase: Uh, may I speak to correspondent Susan McCormick, please?
Janitor: Are you crazy, man? It’s six in the morning. There’s nobody in at this time.
Janitor: Hell no, man! There’s no one — it’s too early — what — what is this?
Chevy Chase: [ he glances at the monitor and expresses great surprise ] I see. Thank you very much. [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luanda, Angola, in a rare moment of calm.
Elsewhere in Africa, it was announced that the small nation of Chad has changed its name to Brian. In a spirit of Third World solidarity, the nation of Tanzania has changed its name to Debbie.
Chevy Chase: A reminder to those of our viewers who missed our story last week on the influx of so-called Killer Dope in urban areas around the country. “Weekend Update” has been analyzing the samples of marijuana sent to us anonymously all week. We are pleased to reprot that, so far, the only significant finding has been that if you force a baby squirrel to smoke seven-hundred cannabis joints a day, he will become disoriented, seems to take the laws of self-preservation less seriously, tending to play with his nuts rather than store them.
Once again, if you should come into contact with ANY suspicious cannabis, and wish it be analyzed by “Weekend Update”‘s team of research analysts, simply send a small sample immediately to: [ SUPER ] “Chevy Chase, 857 West 81 Street, New York City”.
THe Sports and National Football League has announced, because of the poor nielsen ratings of the last two Super Bowl games aired on television, it will make this year’s contest more exciting by disallowing the use of football helmets in the field.
Steelers defensive linebacker #76, Charlie Hewett, was the first to quit in protest against the new ruling that the player’s hair must be cut short and indicate their numbers.
Well, college fads come and go, don’t they? From cramming students into phoe booths to streaking. At Grey Wind Junior College, on the Florida Keys, the latest rage is seeing how much oatmeal you can stuff into a Volkswagen.
Still to come: Cannibalism – Boon or Hindrance? The new fashion rage: Spray-On-Clothing. And Who Killed Agatha Christie? Right after this filmed message.
Chevy Chase: And now, here to reply to a “Weekend Update” editorial, is Henry Zuckerman, Vice-President of the Association of Fastuous Peasants.
Henry Zuckerman: For Pete’s sakes! Isn’t it time we LISTEN to the Vatican, rather than closing our mind and our spirits? A recent 6,000 word declaration on certain questions concerning sexual ethics, issued by the Sacred Congregation from the Doctrine of Faith, with the approval of Pope Paul VI, states CLEARLY that the Church considers masturbation a SERIOUSLY disordered act! [ at his side, Chevy Chase begins making faces and gestures unseen to Zuckerman ] YET, hundreds of millions of people all around the world still persist in TOUCHING themselves! How do we know? Look at their complexions! The Vatican is also writing, condemning homosexuality as intrinsically wrong! The AFP disagrees with “Weekend Update”‘s contention that there is something intrinsically wrong with men in black robes, living and chanting together in theological schools around the world! [ sensing Chevy’s motions, Zuckerman turns to look, but Chevy quickly maintains a normal pose ] Spiritual enlightment is as natural as celibacy itself! Let’s open our hearts, and our minds — [ he takes another quick look at Chevy’s antics, but Chevy maintains his normal pose ] and realize that it is a far, far better thing to touch a turtle’s tooth… than to touch down there. Thank you.
Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. [ he glanceas quickly at Zuckerman ]
And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be deceased, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of the Committee for Dead Americans, Mr. Alan Zweibel.
[ Alan Zweibel appears in a circle above Chevy’s shoulder, posed with his arms across his chest like a corpse ]
Our top story tonight… [ no response from Zweibel ]
And that’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Open on close-up of phone ringing. Cut to wide shot of room with a desk, easy chair and lamp, and a stairway leading off to the right. The hotline answerer stumbles down the stairs, drops his briefcase, knocks over the chair and lamp, and falls over the desk answering the phone.]
Hotline Answerer: Suicide Prevention Center. [He hears a gunshot on the other end, then hangs up the phone and turns to the camera behind him] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Delicatessen”.
Mr. Dantley: [enters deli ] Uh, can I have a sandwich, please?
[ Samurai holds his sword across the counter, yelling, then points at the “Take a Number Please” sign with his sword. Mr. Dantley pulls a number, as the Samurai yells various numbers. Finally, Mr. Dantley’s number is called. ]
Mr. Dantley: Yes. [ hands over his number ] I’d like to have acombination cold-cut sandwich. [ Samurai shouts ] Sure. Very lean on the corned beef. Sure. And a cream soda. All right.
[ Samurai busts the bread open with his head, then slices some cold cuts with sword ]
I’m sure glad I found you open. You know, most of the places are closed this late. Uh, can I have some Thousand Island dressing on that, please?
[ Samurai complies ]
I guess you can hardly wait for that ol’ Super Bowl tomorrow, huh? You know, I like Dallas, but I’m going to bet on the Steelers. The way I see it, if Bradshaw is hot tomorrow, and Franco Harris really gets the ball and runs.. could I have a little, uh, a little sliced tomato on that, please? [ Samurai slices a tomato in mid-air with his sword ] Anyway, like I said, if they let Harris handle the ball, if they keep it on the ground for a while and really move up there in that first quarter, no major injuries..
[ Samurai slides Mr. Dantley’s sandwich across the counter ]
Hey, listen, you do really fantastic work. That is gorgeous! Can you do me one little favor? Could you trim away some of the fat? I distinctly said, “No fat.” There’s a lot of fat hanging off it. [ Samurai shouts in disgust ] I, I really meant no fat and it’s, uh, it’s.. [ Samurai prepares to stab himself with his sword ] Hey! Oh, no, no! Wait a minute. Ah, don’t take it personally. It’s okay. Look, I probably.. I, I probably shouldn’t be eating that anyway because it’s filled with spices, it gives me heartburn. Oh, what the hell. You only live once.I’ll deal with the pain later.
[ Samurai withdraws his sword ]
Would it be, uh.. would it be too much to ask if you could cut it in half? [ Samurai screams, pulls out his sword, then carefully cuts the sandwich in half ] That’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much. That’s terrific. Ah, one other thing. Do you think you could break a twenty?
[ Samurai shouts, and slams his sword on the $20 bill, smashing the counter to bits ]
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the Land of Gorch.
[ Scred enters, carrying a big cardboard box marked “SCRED: c/o Gortch” ]
Scred: Oh, why, the marital aid that I sent away for!
Peuta: Marital aid?
Scred: Yes, your kinkiness!
Peuta: Why, we’re not even married!
Scred: Oh. Well, then it must be an extra-marital aid. Heh heh heh. Let’s see what we have…
[ Scred opens the box and pulls out a weird device — a rusty silver box about the shape of a portable radio, with switches, knobs and a big red lightbulb at the top. ]
Scred: Oh, boy! Look at this!
Peuta: OH! Scred… what is that thing?
Scred: I don’t know! But isn’t it beautiful? And it’s guaranteed to enhance our enjoyment! Hee hee hee hee!
Peuta: Ahhh.
Scred: Oh boy, yeah. This is gonna be fun.
Peuta: Where did you get that thing?
Scred: Oh, I got it in an ad from a magazine I was reading… it’s called Bound and Gagged. Hee hee hee. Oh, this is going to be so much fun… Ploobis is away, it’ll just be the three of us. You… me… and The Monster.
Peuta: Oh, Scred, I’ve never done anything like this before… I’m frightened!
Scred: Oh, don’t worry… there’s an instruction pamphlet that came with it.
Peuta: Very well, then, dear. I’ll be right back. I’m going to slip into my Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Scred: Oooh, la la la!
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred: Ah, boy. Whatta girl. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell. Let’s see, I gotta find those instructions. Oh, yeah, here they are. Uhh… oh, NO!
Peuta: [ offscreen: ] What’s the matter?
Scred: It’s the instructions! I can’t read ’em! They’re in Japanese!
[ Peuta enters, wearing a purple-fringed robe. ]
Peuta: Urrrgghhh. Aren’t they all. What are we gonna do now?
Scred: Aw, don’t worry, I think I’ll be able to figure it out. Yeah. I know what to do. Just get ready there.
Peuta: Oh, I’m so excited! Ha ha! What do you want me to do, Scred?
Scred: Uh… if you could just put your head down on the top of it there.
Peuta: Okay… How should I do it? Like this?
Scred: Yeah, yeah… that looks right. [ Nothing happens. ] Mmm hmm. [ He taps her head. ] Feel anything yet?
Peuta: No. Can’t say I do.
Scred: Oh. Well, here. How about this.
[ He picks up the device and whacks her across the face with it. ]
Scred: Feel anything now?
Peuta: Urrrghh. Hardly. Oh, here. Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Let me try.
Scred: Oh no no no no, give me one more chance!
[ He holds the device up to Peuta’s moogies. The red light flashes, and a siren blares. Peuta moans. ]
Scred: It’s working! It’s… it’s starting to WORK!
[ The siren sounds as they fall to the floor, moaning and giggling. Bits of clothes fly up over the boulders. Peuta screams. ]
Peuta: Oh! OHHH! SCRED! SCRE-E-E-ED!
Scred: OH, your MUTUALNESS! Oh! WHOA!
Peuta: OHHH!
Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your togetherness!
[ The siren fades. Scred and Peuta come up for air. ]
Scred: Oh! WOW! That was something else!
Peuta: Oh. Well… Is that all there is?
Scred: Some people are never satisfied.
[ He dives under her, and they fall to the floor again. ]
Mike Douglas Impression Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
…Buck Henry Mr. Mike…Michael O’Donoghue
[Open on Buck Henry at home base, standing in front of a red curtain]
Buck Henry: Well, we’ve all seen a lot of impressionists in our lives. Some good, not so good, some fair. But I saw a guy the other night in a club downtown that does the most extraordinary impressions I have ever seen in my life. And we are very proud to bring him to you now. Please give a warm welcome to a man I think will soon be called “the king of impressionists” – Mr. Michael O’Donoghue. [applause]
[Music plays as Mr. Mike enters, wearing a tuxedo with blue ruffles and black bowtie]
Mr. Mike: Hey! Hey! Thank you, thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to, ah… You know, when you’re in show business it always seems you end up at some bar at four o’clock in the morning arguing over who’s the best singer, who’s the best dancer, who’s the funniest comedian. But there’s one thing I think everybody agrees on, and that’s who the nicest guy in show business is. And, of course, I’m talking about Mr. Mike Douglas. [Mr. Mike encourages applause] Yeah! Yeah, come on! You know, I was home the other day and I happened to catch Mike’s show, and a funny thought occured to me. I wondered: what if someone took, ah-ah-ah very large steel needles, say fifteen, eighteen inches long, large steel needles with, um, real sharp points, and plunged them into Mike’s eyes. What, what would his reaction be, huh? [grins] I think it might go something like this.
[Mr. Mike turns his back to the camera to prepare his impression. He turns back around and puts his hands to his eyes, screaming maniacally. He stumbles, twitches and rolls around the stage as he screams, falling off the front.]
Buck Henry: [comes back out and applauds with audience] Absolutely uncanny, isn’t it?
Buck Henry: Thank you, thank you, thank you all very much. Now, you’re all probably wondering, as I am wondering, why I have been chosen to host the show. After all, it’s quite true I am not a comic; I don’t sing, I don’t dance. Oh sure, I’ve acted in a few films, a few television shows.. I’ve written a few, but those aren’t ordinarilly the prerequisites to hosting a big show like this one. I probably wasn’t their first choice.
[ SUPER: “BUCK IS RIGHT. HE WAS NOT OUR FIRST CHOICE” ]
But I’ve been in the business long enough to know that what possibly might have happened is that a major movie star, or a big celebrity of some kind, was booked to do the show, became ill or something at the last minute, and so they called me. But this does not hurt my feelings. There’s nothing wrong with being the second choice. I can take that. I think my ego is strong enough to accept the possibility that they called one or two other people.
[ SUPER: “HERE’S A PARTIAL LIST OF PEOPLE WE CALLED BEFORE BUCK:
CHARO STEVE ROSSI GREGG MORRIS ALDO RAY NEVILLE BRAND FERNANDO LAMAS JIMMY BOYD DAWN PAUL WINCHELL JOHN CAMERON SWAYZE SAM YORTY KYLE ROTE BERT CONVY MOREY AMSTERDAM THE TWO STOOGES EARL SCHIEB FRANK BORMAN BARRY NEWMAN PAUL NEWMAN RANDY NEWMAN EDWIN NEWMAN ALFRED E. NEWMAN PHYLLIS NEWMAN WERNER ERHARD CHASTITY BONO TRICIA COX TED BESSEL JIM BACKUS GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO SAM THE SHAM TOTIE FIELDS SID MELTON JERRY MATHERS TOMMY RETTIG CANTINFLAS BILLY BARTY JOHN DAVIDSON GENTLE BEN MARTIN LANDAU and/or BARBRA BAIN MARK SPITZ STEVEN WEED CARL BETZ DESI ARNAZ JR. FRANK SINATRA JR. GARY CROSBY ROSEMARIE “AMAZING” KRESKIN RIP TAYLOR GREG ALLMAN ED McMAHON KUKLA RUSTY HAMER YUSEF LATIF PEREZ PRADO” ]
The point is, that I’m deeply honored. Quite frankly, I’m honored that they called me. And I don’t mind saying that as far as I’m concerned this is the best damn show in television. Well, the cast and the writers are the most talented, the hardest-working, the most devoted people that I’ve ever worked with. In this short week, we’ve all grown incredibly close. You know something – they do this show in about four days, which is an incredible feat in television. And every moment of those four days, those kids backstage, those people in the booth out there, those, everyone behind the scenes have been working, building, making costumes, rehearsing, and all with a single purpose in mind. That’s to make me look good out here. My gosh, how hard they’ve all worked. It looks easy when it’s all finished. But we’ve really put in a lot of long, hard, tough hours.
[ SUPER: “WE? BUCK’S A LITTLE OUT OF LINE HERE.” ]
I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard. It’s almost like doing a telethon. I’ll tell you something – I don’t want to sound like a show business phony, but it’s been such a good time that taking money from this almost seems like stealing. I feel guilty even getting paid for it.
[ SUPER: “BUCK DEMANDED CASH IN ADVANCE.” ]
And, I think in all due humility I may just give the money to one of myfavorite charites.
[ SUPER: “HERE’S A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK’S FAVORITE CHARITIES:
ANVIL BAR AND GRILL VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA STAN’S HEAD SHOP EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE CARL’S DANISH BOOK STORE VANESSA (555-5822)” ]
I can honestly say that the pleasure of doing this show is being back in good old New York. You know, no matter what they say, that New York is having a pretty rough time, it’s still the Big Apple for me. At least, it’s the greatest city in the world. I mean, everything that means something to me is right here – the theaters, the museums, the art galleries, the libraries, the horse-and-carriage rides in Central Park.. all of my favorite activities.
[ SUPER: “HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK’S FAVORITE ACTIVITIES:
ANVIL BAR AND GRILL VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA STAN’S HEAD SHOP EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE CARL’S DANISH BOOK STORE VANESSA (555-5822)” ]
At any rate, I know that the highlight of this trip for me will be doing this show tonight. Los Angeles may be my home, but I’m afraid that after this past week it’s just going to seem just a little bit sedate. I know that you’re going to enjoy the rest of these 90 fun-filled minutes just as much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you in these few delightful minutes. You’ve been a teriffic audience, and I sincerely want to thank you for being so responsive, and for making me feel right at home.
[ SUPER: “HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE WE ARE CALLING RIGHT NOW:
MILTON DELUGG ARTE JOHNSON GORDON MACRAE SHEILA MACRAE HEATHER MACRAE MEREDITH MACRAE JODY MACRAE ANY MEMBER OF THE KING FAMILY ANY MEMBER OF THE LOUD FAMILY MAURICE NADJARI THE CHICAGO SEVEN JUDITH EXNER ART FLEMIMG DUNCAN RENALDO BERT PARKS JOHN MITCHELL MARTY ALLEN” ]
I’ve done a lot of kidding out here, and jokes about New York, jokes about show business, and I’m glad to see you pertain that sense of humor, that special blend of affection and sensibility that is Bicentennial America today. Thank you, and keep watching.
Air Date:
Summary: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform their popular BBC sketch, “One Leg Too Few,” with Cook as the casting agent who interviews Moore as a one-legged man auditioning for the role of Tarzan.
Summary: Auditions are held for a jailhouse production of “Gigi”.
Bio: A popular singer/songwriter during the late 50’s/early 60’s, Neil Sedaka (1939-) returned to the pop charts in 1976 with an updated ballad version of his 1962 hit, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.”
Summary: Take a low-cost vacation in an elevator this year. Another exciting destination lurks behind the door of each floor.
Summary: Chevy Chase’s wrong number reaches Angela’s roommate Jane Curtin instead of Angola prison. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) questions the fuss about “saving Soviet jewelry”. With help from a showering Alan Zweibel, Chevy repeats the top story for wet people.
Summary: Used to move people, not their possessions.
Summary: Dudley Moore interviews the owner (Peter Cook) of The Frog and Peach Restaurant.
Summary: Gary Weis’ short film chronicles novelty store owner who has to explain the joke of each item in his inventory.
Summary: The British version of Sonny (Dudley Moore) & Cher (Peter Cook) trade barbs.
Summary: Gilda Radner explains to a bee-clad Scred (Jerry Nelson) that The Muppets have been cut from tonight’s show, but lets him introduce Neil Sedaka.
Summary: Husband (Chevy Chase) & wife (Jaqueline Carlin) don’t use products to be attractive.
Summary: A team of doctors (Dudley Moore, Tom Schiller, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) ignore the fact that their patient (Garrett Morris) is alive before removing his vital organs.
Summary: A shephard (Peter Cook) tells Matthew (Dudley Moore) about his experience seeing the Baby Jesus.
Note: Chevy Chase and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform a Take Two of the ending of the Bomb Squad sketch from the beginning of the show.
