Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Auto Mechanic Bedtime Stories

Mother … Jane Curtin
Father … Dan Aykroyd
Debbie … Gilda Radner

[In a living room at bedtime, a little girl namedDebbie, wearing pajamas, listens intently as hermother reads aloud from a children’s book:]

Mother: “… said Pilot Porcupine as he skillfully seta northerly course. As they climbed higher and higher,the passengers could see the–“

Father: [wearing mechanic’s overalls, enters, removeshis cap and sighs] Hi.

Mother: Oh, hi, honey.

[Father gives mother a kiss and tosses his cap aside,clearly exhausted from a long day at work.]

Debbie: Hi, Daddy!

Mother: [to father] Hey, sweetheart, I have to go topottery class and catch up on my glazing. Will you putDebbie to bed?

Father: Yeah, okay.

Mother: Oh, thanks. [to Debbie] Goodbye, sweetie.

Debbie: Bye, Mom.

Father: Take the wagon, okay, honey?

Mother: Okay.

[Mother exits as father, groaning and stretching histired limbs, collapses onto the sofa.]

Debbie: [enthusiastically joins father on the sofa]Daddy! Could – could you tell me a story before I goto bed?

Father: [wearily dismissive] I don’t know any stories,Debbie. Go on to bed now.

Debbie: Couldn’t you tell me a story about your work?

Father: There’s nothing at the garage that wouldinterest a little girl. Now, go on to bed, okay?[lights a cigarette]

Debbie: No, Daddy, couldn’t you please tell me astory?! I won’t be able to fall asleep! Oh, PLEASE!Oh, PLEASE!

Father: [exasperated] Okay! All right, I got a storyfor ya. [Debbie listens raptly as her father describeshis work as if it were a children’s story] Once upon atime, a guy comes into the shop with a small blockChevy 6. I take a look at it. I say, I know there’ssome tappet knocking here so I pull the valve coveroff, I strip the gasket, and I’m all set to tightendown the rocker arms, and there’s a whole lot o’ oil–

Debbie: Daddy, was there a bear?

Father: No, but a guy was as mad as a bear when I toldhim he was lookin’ at a ring job. You know, it’sexpensive. So he said he didn’t know, so I startedpullin’ the differential out of the tow truck–

Debbie: Was there a tiny dwarf?

Father: Yeah. Yeah, there was a dwarf, right in thehub. So I chased him with a hammer all the way downthe axle and I pulled the hub off and it turned out itwas just a wheel bearing and not the pinion gearlike–

Debbie: And – and – and did ya find any magic beans?

Father: Yeah. Well, there was this one guy, said he’dgive me three hundred and twenty-two magic beans ifI’d, uh, open his ports a bit, uh, blow the engine outto forty thousand over and, uh, bolt on a set o’headers.

Debbie: Was there a witch?

Father: I used the winch to drop a three eighteen intothe old Dodge pick-up, yeah.

Debbie: And did the – did the princess find the frog?

Father: No, but I did — right in the starter drive.Right between the Bendix spring and the armature. So Ipulled out the armature, replaced all the brushes andit run–

Debbie: Did Bambi come out of the forest?

Father: Bambi? Yeah, Bambi came out of the forest,this guy was goin’ about sixty — WHAMMO! — hisradiator, the grill, gone! I had to put it right in.You know how hard it is to replace a radiator on a ’63Chevy? Ya gotta–

Debbie: Did they all get married and live happily everafter?

Father: Well, this guy was married and the bill wasn’ttoo bad. Now go to bed, will ya please?

Debbie: Okay.

[Debbie kisses her father, scurries toward the stairsbut stops and turns.]

Debbie: Daddy?

Father: What do you want now?

Debbie: If you put on new tie rods and king pins, doyou have to do a complete wheel alignment?

Father: Yeah, ya do, usually, yeah.

[Satisfied, Debbie runs upstairs. Father does adelayed double take, amazed that there was somethingat the garage that would interest a little girl …]

[pull back to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… God Never Meant For Pictures To Fly Through The Air”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

“King Bee”

…Buck Henry
Jake Blues…John Belushi
Elwood Blues…Dan Aykroyd
…Howard Shore and his All-Bee Band

[Open on close-up of Buck Henry as the song “King Bee” begins playing]

Buck Henry: And they say they don’t know where the new comics are coming from. Anyway, here’s Howard Shore and his All-Bee Band.

[Applause. Dissolve to close-up of lead singer Jake Blues. He and his silent partner Elwood are both dressed as Bees. Elwood plays harmonica, accompanied by the All-Bee Band]

Jake Blues: All right! All right. All right, now, are you ready for the blues? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, all right. Are you feelin’ all right? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, all right, now how many people out there, how many men out there ever had an old lady leave ’em? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, everybody, that’s everybody, that’s everybody. All right. Well, lemme give you some free advice, all right? You know, my old lady comes up to me and she says “You been messin’ around.” My old la-deees come up to me and they say “You been messin’ around with some other women.” And I say “Honey, honey, you just take me as I am or you just let me be.” That’s right

[sings]
‘Cause I’m a king bee buzzin’ ’round your hive
Well I’m a king bee, baby, buzzin’ ’round your hive
Well I can make honey, baby, let me come inside.

Well I’m a king bee, I want you to be my queen, yeah
I’m a king bee, baby, want you to be my queen
Well, together we can make honey, baby, the world has never seen.

Okay, let’s buzz a while!

Buzz buzz (buzz buzz), Buzz buzz (buzz buzz)
Buzz buzz (buzz buzz), Buzz buzz (buzz buzz)

Well sting me, baby! [Jake does a few cartwheels and somersaults]

I’m a king bee, I can buzz all night long
Well I’m a king bee, baby, I can buzz all night long
Well I can buzz better, baby, when your man is…
When your man is…
When your maaan is…
[low, quaking voice] When yo’ maaan…
[Rapidly] When-your-man-is…
[unintelligible yell]…
When-your-man-is…
Whed-you-la-la-la…
When your man is gone!

[Jake climbs onto a stool and jumps off, lying on stage as Elwood and the band finish the song. Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Citizen Kane II

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Thompson…..Buck Henry
Nurse…..Laraine Newman
Jed Leland…..Chevy Chase
Charles Foster Kane…..Dan Aykroyd
Mr. Bernstein…..John Belushi
Henri…..Tom Schiller
Delivery Boy…..Garrett Morris

[ black-and-white ]

[open on the dark, moody atmosphere of Mr. Thompson’s room. He lies on his bed reading, as a knock sounds at the door. He rises to answer it, allowing a Nurse to enter the room. ]

Mr. Thompson: Yes? Can I help you?

Nurse: I.. don’t suppose you remember me, but.. I’m the nurse that was with Mr. Kane when he died.

Mr. Thompson: [ momentarily confused ] Mr. Kane?

Nurse: Charles Foster Kane – the big newspaper tycoon.

Mr. Thompson: Of course! You’re the one who told us Mr. Kane’s last word – Rosebud. Huh.. never did find out what it meant.

Nurse: Well.. Rosebud was.. one of his last words.

Mr. Thompson: What do you mean, one of his last words?

Nurse: Well, you mustn’t get angry.. but I just remembered a few more.

[ Mr. Thompson sits on the edge of his bed, across from the Nurse who sits in a chair ]

Nurse: You see, he was on this all-liquid diet —

Mr. Thompson: Get to the point, woman! What were Charles Foster Kane’s last words?!

Nurse: After he said Rosebud, he coughed a few times, then he muttered: “Henri.” And then he died.

Mr. Thompson: Henri? Henri.. ah! Henri! Of course! A man’s name! Kane’s closest friend, Jed Leland, is still alive in one of those uptown hospitals. Let’s pay him a visit! If anyone knows who thie Henri is, he will!

[ Mr. Thompson and the Nurse rush out of the room, as the music crescendos again and we fade to black ]

[ fade in on the close-up face of an aged, spectacled, moustachioed Jed Leland ]

Jed Leland: [ pondering the clue ] Henri.. hmm.. Henri..

[ pull out to reveal Jed Leland sitting in a wheelchair. He turns to face Mr. Thompson, who sits with his back to the audience and obscured by shadows ]

Jed Leland: You’re absolutely sure you don’t have a good cigar? I’d give anything for a good cigar.

Mr. Thompson: Sorry, Mr. Leland, but what about this Henri?

Jed Leland: Who?

Mr. Thompson: Henri.

Jed Leland: Henri. Well, I’m afraid I don’t know any — nope.. wait a minute. [ suddenly remembering ] Why, of course. Henri. The little French man. I’ll never forget the first and last time I saw Henri. It was the day Charlie took over the Enquirer. My, what a day it was..

[ flashback dissolve to the Enquirer office, Mr. Bernstein standing alone as Charles Foster Kane and a younger Jed Leland enter ]

Charles Foster Kane: [ chuckling ] Well, Jedediah, here it is! My own newspaper, the New York Enquirer. And I’m going to turn this newspaper into something that this own will want to read. Why, just look at this dribble! [ holds up a newspaper ] “Noted Mitten Manufacturer Retires.”

Mr. Bernstein: Why, it must be a slow day for news, Mr. Kane!

Charles Foster Kane: A slow day for news, Bernstein? I’ll show you a slow day for news!

[ Kane points a gun out the window and fires 6 shots below ]

Charles Foster Kane: Take a headline, Bernstein: “Crazed Sniper Guns Down Six!” We’ll have theinnocent men, women and children angle an offer for $10,000 for the madman’s capture!

Mr. Bernstein: Right away, Mr. Kane! [ rushes out of office ]

Charles Foster Kane: Slow days for news —

[ Delivery Boy enters office ]

Delivery Boy: Did anyone order a roast beef on rye with mustard?

Charles Foster Kane: Yeah, I did. Thanks.

[ Delivery Boy distributes the sandwiches, then exits office ]

Jed Leland: Let’s see here, what am I, chopped liver?

[ Henri the printer rushes in with the new front page reading: “Crazed Sniper Guns Down Six – Woman and Children Among Victims”. Mr. Bernstein appears behind him. ]

Henri: Here’s ze new front page, Mr. Kane!

Charles Foster Kane: Well, you certainly took your time about it, boy. What’s your name?

Henri: Henri, sir.

Charles Foster Kane: Henri, you’re fired! We’re running a scandal sheet here, not a newspaper! [ starts to eat his sandwich ] Mmm.. great sandwich.

Henri: Funny.. I thought it was: “We’re running a newspaper, not a tea party.”

Mr. Bernstein: A tea party?! That doesn’t make sense! how about: “We’re running a newspaper here, not a pet shop!”

Jed Leland: Uh, wait a minute. Obviously, we’re not running a pet shop. That’s no good.

[ Delivery Boy re-enters scene ]

Delivery Boy: Who, uh, gets the tea with no lemon?

Henri: How about, uh.. police office!

Mr. Bernstein: Oh, yeah.. hey! That’s a good idea! “We’re not running a newspaper here –“

[ suddenly, Charles Foster Kane fires 5 more shots out the window ]

Charles Foster Kane: Get out an extra! “Sniper Strikes Again!” Double the reward!

[ everyone but Kane and Leland clear the room ]

Jed Leland: You know, since you took over, you certainly have changed the Enquirer, Charlie.

Charles Foster Kane: Change the Enquirer.. change the newspaper.. I haven’t changed anything, Jedediah. I’ve only changed the front page. What about its heart, its soul, its very being? That’s why I’ve set out this Declaration of Principles. [ posts card on the wall ] 1. Sell millions of newspapers by any means possible. 2. Make that billions of newspapers.

Jed Leland: Can I keep that, Charlie? I have a hunch it could turn out to be pretty important some day.

Charles Foster Kane: [ reflects ] Important someday. Yeah. [ looks out the window ] Jedediah, do you think I can hit that organ grinder down there, from this far away? He looks to be about.. oh.. one-hundred, two-hundred yards. Let’s see if I can get a beat on him. [ fires a shot ] Damn! Bernstein!

[ Mr. Bernstein re-appears ]

Mr. Bernstein: Yes, Mr. Kane!

Charles Foster Kane: Get out an extra! “Sniper Kills Organ Grinder’s Monkey, Not Even Pets Safe in Weird Murder Spree.”

Mr. Bernstein: Sure thing, Mr. Kane!

[ Kane admires the copy of his newspaper, as he flash-dissolve back to the aged Jed Leland in the hospital ]

Jed Leland: Yeah.. Henri. That’s who Henri was.

Mr. Thompson: He doesn’t really seem important enough, somehow. I mean, why would Kane’s last words be about some printer he fired fifty years before?

Nurse: Oh, wait.. I’m sorry. I just remembered that Mr. Kane said one more thing before he died. He said: “Rosebud”, coughed a few times, muttered: “Henri”, and then he turned to me and whispered: “With Mustard.”

Mr. Thompson: Wait a minute.. let’s put this all together: “Rosebud.. Henri.. With Mustard.” I wonder what it means.

Nurse: Beats me.

Jed Leland: Well, maybe it was a horse he bet — [ Chevy Chase suddenly cracks up ] It could’ve been a horse he bet on!

Mr. Thompson: Yes, that might be amusing if it were.

Nurse: Maybe a woman he knew.

Jed Leland: Might be.

Mr. Thompson: I guess we’ll never know.

[ dissolve to a fiery incinerator. The door is pulled open, and a hand inserts a menu into the flames that read: “Roast Beef On Rye With Mustard” ]

[ fade to black, up on SUPER: “The End” ]

[ dissolve to SUPER: “Introducing The Cast” ]

[ dissolve to “Laraine Newman as the nurse.” ]

Nurse: You see, he was on this all-liquid diet.

[ dissolve to “Chevy Chase as Jed Leland.” ]

Jed Leland: I’d give anything for a good cigar.

[ dissolve to “Buck Henry as Mr. Thompson.” ]

Mr. Thompson: What do you mean, one of his last words?

[ dissolve to “John Belushi as Mr. Bernstein.” ]

Mr. Bernstein: How about: “We’re running a newspaer here, not an ant farm!”

[ dissolve to “Tom Schiller as Henri.” ]

Henri: Here’s ze new front page, Monsieur Kane!

[ dissolve to “Garret Morris as the delivery boy.” ]

Delivery Boy: Who gets the roast beef on rye with mustard?

[ dissolve to “Dan Aykroyd as Charles Foster Kane.” ]

Charles Foster Kane: Mmm.. great sandwich!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Goodnights

…. Buck Henry
…. the entire cast
…. Michael O’Donoghue
…. Don Pardo/V.O.

(FADE in on Buck Henry and the entire cast plus writer Michael O’Donoghue at a darkened home base. The piano line at the beginning of the closing theme can be heard in the background.)

Buck Henry: Thank you. Thank you all folks. I wanna thank everyone here for a terrific week. And there’s something I’d like to say, you know, the cast, the crew, the cameras, the booms, the people in the booth everything, they’re incredible people, and the amazing thing about it is that every one of them here, they’re all gay.

(The audience along with the cast slightly giggle.)

Buck Henry: But they’re just like normal people, just like you or me. And I just wanted to point that out before we say goodnight. Thanks a lot.

(Audience applause as we pull back to see Buck and the cast at home base on an overhead view, stage right. Closing theme plays, credits roll)

Don Pardo/V.O.: The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. Next week, our guests will be Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. This is Don Pardo saying goodnight.

(Pull back to reveal the cast from their own audience view. FADE out.)

Submitted by: John Barrett

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Germasol

…..Gilda Radner
…..Jane Curtin
Judy…..Laraine Newman

[ open on housewife testimonial ]

Housewife: I thought I was going to DIE! It was MY turn to entertain the Bridge Club, when….

[ dissolve to flashback: Housewife answers the door to her friends who have arrived for their Bridge game ]

[ greetings are made, as the women enter ]

Jane: [ sniffing the air ] She served liver and fried onions again last night.

Judy: It smells like an armpit.

[ Housewife stares at the camera with an apprehensive look on her face ]

Housewife: She was right.

Judy: Your home needs a deodorizer — QUICKLY!

Housewife: I’d like it to smell better, Judy, but lately I’ve been reading so much about the dangers of aerosol sprays, that I’m afraid.

Judy: Your worries are over — there’s something new.

[ Judy exits the house, then returns with a dolly carting a huge tube of Germasol ]

Judy: New Germasol Roll-On will get rid of embarrassing house odors.

[ dissolve to the two women standing by the curtains ]

Judy: Just once in the morning, and you’re house will smell GREAT!

[ Judy rolls Germasol up and down one of the curtains ]

Judy: And your walls will remain dry ALL DAY!

[ Judy rolls Germasol up and down the wall ]

Judy: And it kills bacteria without the hazards of aerosol.

[ Judy rolls Germasol across a desk ]

Housewife: [ smiling ] Judy! It smells better already!

Announcer: Germasol Roll-On. Now with three handy sizes: [ over images of houses ] Cape Cod… Colonial… and Condominium.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Presidential Foreplay

Host…Jane Curtain
Linda Louise…Gilda Radner

[Title of card of show. Fade to Host.]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “Presidential Foreplay.” Our guest tonight is the latest in increasing number of women to claim to have had an affair with President Kennedy while he was in office. Her name is Linda Louise and she’s here to tell us all about it. Welcome.

[Camera zooms to show Linda Louise show off for the camera.]

Linda Louise: Thank you, it is nice to be here.

Jane Curtin: Miss Louis, how did you met the President?

Linda Louise: Well, I’m a very close personal friend of Bob Hope. I travelled with him on all the UFO tours.

Jane Curtin: That’s USO.

Linda Louise: Yes, after one of the tours, Bob took me to the White House and introduce me to the President and I became a frequent visitor.

Jane Curtin: Ah ha, just when did you cross the line from frequent visitor to actually becoming one of the President’s lovers?

Linda Louise: Well, I got an invitation to a party and when I arrived, I notice I was the only one there.

Jane Curtin: Oh really?

Linda Louise: I remember the President was wearing a white leisure suit. White socks, kind of…

Jane Curtin: [Cutting Linda off.] Yes Miss Louis, is that when you actually got to know the President?

Linda Louise: Yes ah, that when we, you know, right there in the Horizontal Office.

Jane Curtin: That’s Oval Office. Now we’ve all heard a lot about the nude midnight swims at the White House. Were you actually involved in any of them?

Linda Louise: I was involved in all of those.

Jane Curtin: Where was the First Lady during all of this?

Linda Louise: Well, she was on lecture tours or visiting a foreign country. But, usually she was just upstairs in her room heavily sedated.

Jane Curtin: Now, didn’t any of this activity have any effect on the President’s bad back?

Linda Louise: Well, he really didn’t have a bad back.

Jane Curtin: Of course he did.

Linda Louise: No, he had a bad leg. It was terrible. He use to get these shooting pains and he’d have to sit with it propped up in a chair.

Jane Curtin: It was always publicized how bad his back was.

Linda Louise: Well, I use to help him with his leg.

Jane Curtin: Well, in any event, I’m sure that the tragedy had a tremendous effect on you. Considering how close you were.

Linda Louise: Yes, it was terrible, but life goes on and one gets over it.

Jane Curtin: Yes, I know.

Linda Louise: I still speak to him and see him every now and then.

Jane Curtin: [angrily] You what?

Linda Louise: Well, whenever I’m out on the coast.

Jane Curtin: Miss Louise, I don’t think that’s a funny joke. I don’t think you knew the President at all.

Linda Louise: Well, I happen to have a picture of the two of us together.

Jane Curtin: Oh, you do?

Linda Louise: Yes, Bebe took it, one night when we were all out together.

Jane Curtin: Miss Louis, you obviously have the wrong President.

Linda Louise: Well, what’s the matter? Doesn’t he count? I hated every minute of it. But he promised to introduce me to David Frost.

Jane Curtin: That concludes tonight’s program. Tune in next week for another edition of “Presidential Foreplay”

[ dissolve to audience member, with SUPER: “Sargent Shriver’s Brother-in-Law on His Sister’s Side” ]

Submitted by: Sean Fritsch

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Operation Stumblebum

President Gerald Ford….Chevy Chase
Ron Nessen…Buck Henry
Secret Service Agent #1…Garrett Morris
Secret Service Agent #2…John Belushi
Voice of Reporter…Lorne Michaels

[SUPER: “AN OVAL OFFICE”]

[Open on President Ford at his desk reading a document, with Press Secretary Ron Nessen seated in a chair to Ford’s right. Ford’s (stuffed) dog Liberty is on the floor at his left. Ford takes a pen from the pen holder in front of him and tries to sign the document.]

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you’re signing your hand.

[Ford calmly places the pen back in its holder and looks over at Nessen]

Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.

[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]

Gerald Ford: Now what’s this about a press conference, Ron?

Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: Called it what?

Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.

Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.

Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.

Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

Gerald Ford: I’m pretty comfortable myself.

Ron Nessen: That’s good.

Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don’t see what’s so awful about this room, personally.

Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It’s the Oval Office, sir.

Gerald Ford: Ah!

Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.

Gerald Ford: [Starts to get up] Ron?

Ron Nessen: Right here, Sir.

Gerald Ford: [Sits back down] Ron, you’ve got to be here when I call you. [To Liberty] Roll over, Liberty. Good boy. [To Nessen] Now, Ron, tell me about these rumors that I’m gonna fire you. What is that all about?

Ron Nessen: Well, I have heard those rumors, Sir.

Gerald Ford: Are they true?

Ron Nessen: I don’t know, Sir. That will be your decision.

Gerald Ford: Well, I guess we’ll find out sooner or later then, won’t we?

Ron Nessen: Uh perhaps, Mr. President, I’d better brief you now on the press conference.

Gerald Ford: Oh, don’t be silly, Ron. You take your time.

Ron Nessen: Yes, thank you, Sir. Now, I don’t think this afternoon’s questions will be particularly difficult.

Gerald Ford: Any math, you think, Ron?

Ron Nessen: I don’t think so, Sir, no. They’ll probably want to ask you about the New Hampshire primary and reaction to the recent polls showing Reagan ahead.

Gerald Ford: Ah-ha. What would you suggest I say there?

Ron Nessen: Well, Sir, considering our feelings that Gallup and Harris don’t accurately reflect the truth, you might make a little joke about the polls.

Gerald Ford: Well now, Ron, I just don’t think we have to get ethnic here.

Ron Nessen: No, Sir, no. Skip that. As your press secretary, I have to be candid with you: You’re being misunderstood a great deal lately. I’ve, uh, I’ve decided to take action against some of the absurd notions in the press that you’ve been behaving in a physically awkward and clumsy manner. And in order to quash rumors that your physical actions are any different from any normal average person, I’ve devised a plan which I and couple of the Secret Service men will put into action. Call it, ah, Operation Stumblebum.

Gerald Ford: Now, let me get this straight, Ron. These men are in the service and they’re keeping it a secret from me?

Ron Nessen: [Stares at Ford for a moment] No, Sir. I’m taking about the fellows in the dark glasses and the suits that are always running beside your car.

Gerald Ford: Well, we’re going to have to put a stop to that, Ron.

Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Now, what we plan to do is this: Should you make any physical movements that can be construed as out of the ordinary, [Ford takes a pipe from his coat pocket and puts it in his mouth] we will take specific action to see to it that others will view them as normal everyday behavior. [Nessen takes a pipe from his own pocket, puts it in his mouth and imitates Ford as he mistakenly lights the bottom of the pipe]

Gerald Ford: Mm-hmm.

Ron Nessen: This is a perfect example, Sir.

Gerald Ford: Ah. You know, I can never get these things lit. [He almost puts the lit lighter back in his coat pocket, then starts to stand up] RON?!

Ron Nessen: Right here, Sir. Now, Mr. President, I want to prepare you for the conference so you can avoid any possible little accidents. [He imitates Ford dropping his pipe as he tries to put it back in his coat pocket] First of all, you’ll walk through the door of the Oval Office, making sure to open it first. You’ll go down the hallway to the press conference room. Now, the hallway will have a wall on either side, right and left. But by walking down the middle of the hall, you’ll be able to avoid hitting either side. There’s a carpet in the hallway, but it’s only a little bitty one, it’s about [holds up fingers at eye level] this far off the ground.

Gerald Ford: [Thinking Nessen means the carpet is about five feet off the ground, he stands up and mimics climbing over the carpet] Well, then, should I just attempt to scale it with a jump or…

Ron Nessen: No, Sir, I mean it’ll be at foot level. But I don’t want you to have any trouble with it. We’ve taken the lamps and the portraits out of the corridor. Uh, you may see a shadow or two of something on the floor, but don’t let ’em throw you. And there will be three steps just before the door to the conference room. Try to take them one at a time.

Gerald Ford: Well now, Ron, will these steps be going up or down?

Ron Nessen: Well, Sir, they’ll be going down on your way in and up on your way back. That will mean you will be either using your left foot twice and your right foot once going down, or your right foot once and your left foot twice (sic), depending on which foot you plan to start with.

Gerald Ford: And that’ll be totally my choice, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir, totally your own. Then you will simply move through the curtains of the conference room up to the podium, making sure to walk through the area where the curtains are separated from each other. Before I forget, one more thing: The press conference will be over when the senior member of the press says “Thank you, Mr. President.”

Gerald Ford: “Thank you, Mr. President.”

Ron Nessen: Yes.

Gerald Ford: [To Liberty] Gimme the ball, Liberty! [To Nessen] Come on in and sit down, Ron.

Ron Nessen: Ah, Sir, I’d better be getting to the press room now. I’ll see you there in a few moments. [He stands and exits]

Gerald Ford: [To Liberty] Bad dog! Lie down, Liberty. [Ford releases Liberty’s leash, causing the stuffed dog to fall over. Ford continues to fumble around as if looking for something]

[Dissolve to press room. Nessen is at a microphone-covered podium with the “Unofficial Seal of the United States of America” on the front]

Ron Nessen: All right, gentlemen, will you quiet down, please? May I have your attention, please? The president will be out in a moment. Before he arrives at the press conference, I have one or two things I’d like to say. First: I am angry. I’m angry because I consider it unconscionable that our president is incessantly maligned by several of you out there as being some sort of bungler. He is by far the most visible, accessible, open president we’ve ever had. Everyone, you and I alike, stumbles or trips once in a while. Just for the record, I’ve brought some photographs of well-known people that have not been shown in the press to show you that our president is not the only man who has this quality. [Uncovers doctored pictures mounted on an easel behind him, the first being Henry Kissinger bumping his head on an overhead school locker] The well-known Henry Kissinger locker incident, [Shows picture of Democratic Sentor Edmund Muskie slipping on a snow-covered path] a picture of Mr. Muskie that I don’t belive was covered in the press, [Shows picture of George McGovern falling on a snow-covered stoop] a touch of clumsiness on Mr. McGovern’s part, [Shows picture of Ronald Reagan sitting on a sidewalk] and of course, the Ronald Reagan sitting-in-the-street incident. Now, this all goes to show, that he’s not the only one to have these peculiar little things happen to him. Contrary to what you have been saying, our president is indeed graceful. He is, by far, the most athletic president within memory.

[Ford is suddenly heard crashing through the hallway as Nessen looks worried. Ford enters with two Secret Service men. Ford’s tie is crooked, and his jacket’s left sleeve is torn at the shoulder. Nessen tears the left sleeve of his own jacket, loosens his tie and clears his throat, signaling the Secret Service men to do the same.]

Gerald Ford: [Hands clipboard to Nessen] Uh, Ron, I believe you left this in my office.

Ron Nessen: Ah, thank you, Mr. President.

[Mistaking that for his cue to leave, Ford starts to exit. Nessen stops him and guides him back to the podium]

Ron Nessen: No, Sir, no. It’s when the senior member of the press corps says “Thank you, Mr. President.”

Gerald Ford: Ah! I’m sorry. [Begins to open folder] Shall we begin, gentlemen?

[Papers spill out of the folder onto the floor. Nessen and the Secret Service men cover for Ford by tossing more papers onto the floor]

Gerald Ford: No problem!

Ron Nessen: [as Ford scoops up the dropped papers] That’s all right, they’re easy to pick up. Thank you, Sir. That’s fine.

Voice of Reporter: Mr. President, Peter Aaron, Washington Gazette.

Gerald Ford: Yes, Mr. Aaron [Leans over to hear the reporter]

Voice of Reporter: Mr. President, what is your reaction to the recent allegations of CIA activities in Italy?

[Ford suddenly gets his sleeve caught on one of the microphones. The Secret Service men walk up and put their own hands in the microphones]

Gerald Ford: I got it. No problem here. This is–

Ron Nessen: It’s easy to get your hand caught in these.

Gerald Ford: Yes. [All free their hands from the microphones] All right. I’m sorry.

Ron Nessen: I think what the president is trying to say is…

[Ford suddenly leans forward and bangs his head on the podium]

Gerald Ford: Oop! No problem, no problem! [The Secret Service men bang their own heads against the podium while Nessen hits his head with his clipboard] Uh, I’d be hap…

[Ford slips and falls down, and the others follow suit]

Gerald Ford: [Hops up and holds arms out] Everything’s fine! Liberty! Liberty! Here, Liberty!

[The others join Ford as he walks around the stage calling for Liberty. “Hail To The Chief” plays as scene fades]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Evelyn Woodski Speed Reader School

Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on man seated at desk rolling a joint ]

[ he rolls the joint tightly, licks it, then places the joint on the desk and stares apprensively at it ]

[ he then rolls up his right shirt sleeve, removes his belt, and tightens it around his arm ]

[ finally, he takes the rolled-up joint and attempts to poke it into a vein in his arm ]

[ the joint crumbles, as the man wrinkles his brow in wonder ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: [ with SUPER: “Why Do Yuo Think They Call It “Dope”? ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

American Constipation Society

Fred…..Buck Henry
Beatrice…..Jane Curtin
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Chevy…..Chevy Chase
Officer Jackson…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now a word from the American Constipation Society.

[ dissolve to suburban living room, Fred seated on the couch reading the newspaper as Beatrice walks past ]

Fred: Say, honey? what say we don’t take our usual walk tonight?

Beatrice: Not feeling well?

Fred: Ah, I don’t know. I guess I’m a little “under the weather.”

Beatrice: Oh? What’s the matter?

Fred: You know.

Beatrice: No, I don’t know, Fred.

Fred: Well, I’m feeling a little… “out of sorts”, dear.

Beatrice: Out of sorts. [ she comes around the couch and sits ] Did I just hear you say “out of sorts”?

Fred: Mmm-hmm.

Beatrice: You know, last night, Fred, you couldn’t make it up to the sidewalk because you were — what was it? You, uh… “weren’t in the swing of things.”

Fred: I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could “get back in the saddle again”, but… well, Beatrice… quite bluntly, I just can’t… “get on the runway.”

Beatrice: Say no more! What you’re trying to say is that you’ve been feeling “grounded” lately. No “lift-off”… a little “jet lag”.

[ suddenly, Gilda and Chevy enter the living room ]

Gilda: Hi, Bea! Hi, Fred! How are you?

[ the two women exchange hugs, as Chevy joins Fred on the couch ]

Chevy: Hey, I haven’t seen you on your walks lately. I just thought we’d drop by, see how you’re feeling. Everything’s okay?

Fred: Oh, sure, everything’s fine. I’m not quite “up to par” lately, I guess.

Chevy: A-ha!

Beatrice: Fred’s overtook you in the Bombay doors.

Chevy: Ah! [ he laughs ]

Gilda: Can’t “sink the ball”, huh, Fred?

Chevy: Hey, what’s the matter, Fred — “horse won’t leave the starting gate”?

Gilda: [ laughing ] Well, what’s bothering you, Fred? Can’t “get the garage door open”?

Beatrice: Fred has “plenty of bills, but no loose change!”

[ everyone laughs uproariously, as Officer Jackson enters ]

Chevy: Hey! Officer Jackson! Are we making a little too much noise for the neighbors?

Officer Jackson: No, I’m sure everything is all right. I just heard the laughing and wanted to make sure there was no irregularity.

[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes ]

Officer Jackson: Hey, I guess you folks are up here having a blast, huh?

[ everyone laughs harder ]

Beatrice: Some of us are, but not Fred. Huh, Fred?

Fred: Everything’s just FINE, Walt! It’s a hazy evening — you think it’s gonna rain?

Officer Jackson: Oh, I don’t know. Them thunder heads, they’ve been building up for days. ‘Course, I don’t know if they’re gonna break, though, uh — ‘course, Riverdale could use a little rain.

Chevy: [ laughing ] Hey, uh — just a quick “cloud burst” would be nice, eh, Fred?

Beatrice: [ laughing ] Even a “gust of wind” would be nice for a change, huh?

Officer Jackson: Hey, now, come on! Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on Fred? Well, Fred, I’ve been knowking you a long time, and you do look a little under the weather. What’s wrong, uh… you “can’t get the LOG on the FIRE!!” [ he starts laughing with the others ]

Beatrice: [ laughing ] Walt, he hasn’t even “found the kick pin” yet!

Gilda: Fred “can’t get the tarts out of the oven”!

Chevy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!! Come on, come on, come on! When Fred’s ready — and only when Fred’s ready — Fred’s gonna “snap a big fish”, aren’t you, Fred?

[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes and Chevy gives him a sly little wink ]

[ an uncomfortable pause, as everyone waits for the… ]

[ dissolve to art card: “Constipation: No Laughing Matter” ]

Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying: Constipation is no laughing matter.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:





Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 17th, 1976

Buck Henry

Bill Withers

Toni Basil

The Blues Brothers

The Muppets

Michael O’Donoghue

None

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy


Season 1: Order Now! Suicide HotlineSummary: Suicide operator (Chevy Chase) fails to save caller’s life and falls to the floor after stepping out of the room for a minute.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: After admitting that he wasn’t the first choice to host this week’s show, a list of other people asked to host scrolls over Buck Henry’s speech.

Bio: Buck Henry (1930-) hosted “Saturday Night Live” ten times during its glory days, the most of any host during that time span. Henry created the series “Get Smart” with Mel Brooks in the 60’s, and scripted popular films such as “The Graduate” and “What’s Up, Doc?” He later wrote and starred in the short-lived “The New Show”, produced by Lorne Michaels in 1984.

Transcript

Samurai DelicatessenSummary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) orders a sandwich from Futaba (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Presidential ForeplaySummary: Jane Curtin interviews Linda Louise (Gilda Radner), the latest woman who claims to have had an affair with President John F. Kennedy while he was in office.

Transcript

Operation: StumblebumSummary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) takes a meeting with one of his advisors (Buck Henry). To distract from his clumsy behavior during speeches, Secret Service agents will join him on his falls to the floor.

Note: The Oval Office uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline.”

Transcript

Bill Withers performs “Ain’t No Sunshine”Bio: Bill Withers (1938-) pursued a musical career in 1967, after a nine-year stint in the Navy. He recorded demos while making toilet seats for the Boeing aircraft company.

Evelyn Woodski Speed Reader SchoolSummary: Evelyn Woodski (Laraine Newman) can read fast, but not very well.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Midnight call leads Chevy Chase to Angola janitor at 6 AM. Chevy makes faces during Henry Zuckerman’s (Buck Henry) anti-masturbation editorial. Chevy repeats the top story for deceased viewers.

Transcript

Germasol Air FreshenerSummary: the oversized air freshener is perfect for covering old dinner smells in a woman’s (Gilda Radner) apartment.

Transcript

Citizen Kane IISummary: In odd sequel, Mr. Thompson (Buck Henry) learns of Charles Foster Kane’s (Dan Aykroyd) other last words.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred and Peuta try to operate their new sex toy from Japan.

Transcript

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Toni Basil performs “Wham Re-Bop Boom Bam”Bio: Toni Basil’s primary occupation in the world of entertainment has been as a choreographer. She also formed the urban-style dance troupe, the Lockers, and made appearances in films like “Easy Rider.” Basil is best-remembered for her 80’s one-hit wonder, “Mickey.”

Auto Mechanic Bedtime StorySummary: An auto machanic (Dan Aykroyd) tells his daughter (Gilda Radner) car-related bedtime stories.

Note: Uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline” and the Oval Office from “Operation: Stumblebum.”

Transcript

Why Drugs Are Called “Dope”Summary: A drug user (Chevy Chase) demonstrates why drugs are referred to as “dope” when he misuses a joint.

Transcript

Gary Weis FilmBuck Henry takes to the streets of Irvington, New York to find the town’s funniest person.

“King Bee”Summary: Blues Brothers Jake (John Belushi) & Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) perform “King Bee” with SNL Band.

Recurring Characters: Jake Blues, Elwood Blues.

Transcript

Mike Douglas ImpressionSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) does an impression of Mike Douglas with needles in his eyes.

Transcript

Wrigley’s GumSummary: The gum good enough to be enjoyed by the deceased.

Note: Repeat from 10/25/75.

American Constipation SocietySummary: Fred (Buck Henry) feels uncomfortable when his neighbors joke about his constipation problem.

Note: Uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline”, “Auto Mechanic Bedtime Story” and the Oval Office from “Operation: Stumblebum.”

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts