Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Frank Telinka…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

[FADE in on Chevy at the anchor desk.]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

[Chevy listens to his telephone and smiles.]

Chevy Chase: How d’ya know? You know what I like? When you take your teeth… [notices camera] I gotta go.

[Chevy hangs up and turns to his script.]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

Our top story tonight: President Ford flew to Paris today for a joint economic summit conference!

[CUT to the monitor over Chevy’s shoulder. It displays a photo of Ford bending down to kiss a young girl who is giving him flowers.]

Chevy Chase: Overworked and exhausted from his flight, the President mistakenly bumped his head on the face of a little girl who was presenting him with flowers at the airport. Smiling but alert Secret Service agents seized the child and wrestled her to the ground. [laughter and applause] Commented Ford later: “It’s okay: kid’s too young to vote anyway. Have you seen my flowers?” [soft laughter]

Ford will visit China in December, making stops in Indonesia and the Philippines. While in China, Mr. Ford plans to fall off the Great Wall by mistake.

[Monitor shows a jetliner taking off with a flock of large birds scattered above it.]

Chevy: A flock of seagulls was sucked into the jet engines of a DC-10 aircraft during takeoff at Kennedy Airport in New York. The plane crashed and burned, but no one was hurt. However, 14 birds were injured, and 3 were killed. The injured gulls were taken to Mount Sinai hospital, and names of the dead are being withheld pending notification of the next of kin.

[soft laughter]

Chevy Chase: The United States… hold it… The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

[Monitor shows Richard Nixon, apparently on Air Force One, where he is sleeping across two chairs and covered with a blanket.]

Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”

[Monitor fades to a shot of David and Julie Eisenhower flanked by two military guards on the White House Lawn.]

Chevy Chase: David and Julie Eisenhower were executed today by a firing squad… [laughter and applause] …to pay for what the Pentagon calls “unforgivable dullness.”

[The audience cheers and applauds so long that Chevy picks up the telephone receiver and starts to dial, then puts it back down and resumes his report.]

Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”

[Monitor shows a still of Governor George Wallace of Alabama clapping and turning his head to the side.]

Chevy Chase: Governor George Wallace announced that he will roll ahead for the nomination of the Presidency! [laughter and applause] Wallace stated that his physical disabilities have never and will never prevent him from continuing a determined policy of bigotry and right-wing extremism at home, and unflagging ignorance on the foreign front.

[Monitor fades to a track athlete doing stretching exercises. He sticks his right arm straight out in front of him while bending up his left knee and touching the foot with his left hand.]

Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, members of the Congress of Racial Equality are strongly protesting the new hood ornament on Wallace’s private limousine.

[laughter and applause]

Chevy Chase: A serious note: the Federal Communications Commission ruled today that the words “sniff” and “lingerie” may not be spoken over the airwaves, regardless of the context.

[Monitor shows Muhammad Ali writing in a notebook while Joe Frazier sits to his left and peers over his shoulder with his teeth gritted.]

Chevy Chase: In sports, “Super Fight” has become “Super Write” as Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier met last night in a contest to see who could fill an entire page of a book, it, uh, with writing in under fifteen rounds. Ali won the competition in three rounds, writing his name eight times to fill the page. Said the champ: “All my fight fans, they may be bored,/But this proves that the pen is mightier than the floor!”

[Monitor fades to three photos in a row: one of Gerald Ford covering his mouth, one of Hubert Humphrey pointing both fingers at his own nose, and one of Ford blowing his nose.]

Chevy: Still to come: Hubert Humphrey explains what to do when you sneeze to Jerry Ford, after this filmed message.

[FADE to black.]

[dissolve to ad parody for Jamitol]

[FADE IN on Chevy at the anchor desk.]

Chevy Chase: Last week, Update presented an editorial favoring the use of electrical energy, burning of natural gas, and strip mining. Here in reply to that editorial is Frank Telinka, spokesman for the “Turn Off Your Lights Drive 1976.”

[ZOOM OUT to show Telinka, on Chevy’s right. He wears a plain brown suit and dark-rimmed glasses. SUPERIMPOSE, “EDITORIAL REPLY.”]

Frank Telinka: [contemptuously] The energy crisis is upon us, and yet most citizens are still unaware of its implications and ultimate impact.

[As Telinka continues, Chevy silently flaps his lips in sync with him and bugs out his eyes.]

Frank Telinka: The average Joe reads about it and hears about it, yet continues to ignore its inevitable powerlessness. We live in a mechanized and electric society in the United Sta-States. [Chevy puts fingers in his mouth and sticks out his tongue] We have been taught from generation to generation about the endless abundance of America’s… wealth…

[Telinka turns to Chevy, who immediately pretends to be picking food out of his teeth.]

Frank Telinka: Both in our natural resources, and in our ability to take of our own… take care of our own and others. We know in our collective subconscious that it cannot continue. [Chevy makes “rabbit ears” with fingers behind Telinka’s head] Yet we go home, turn on the lights instead of burning a candle, turn on record players instead of singing to ourselves…

[Chevy takes out an electric shaver and pretends to shave his face, his armpits, and Telinka’s shoulder.]

Frank Telinka: …blow-dry our hair instead of using a towel, and shave with a machine instead of a blade!

[Chevy continues to make faces and mime his words, picks up a sheet of paper and flaps it in front of him, and points his finger at Telinka.]

Frank Telinka: We must get back to basics! [pounds desktop] A basic understanding of life’s real values, and a basic way of living that life. This means me, this means you! LEARN to conserve! [Chevy makes faces over his shoulder] The term “wasting energy” is no longer a vestigial, anachronistic cliche, it is an ominious and insidious prognosis for a nation sick with self-indulgence and, ultimately, a portention of an American armageddon! Thank you!

[Telinka turns and glares at Chevy, who stops instantly and looks at the camera over cheers and applause.]

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials.

[Monitor shows a man standing on a staircase next to what looks like a giant mill wheel with a corrugated metal rim.]

Chevy Chase: Well, Leon, the giant hamster, escaped from the Leningrad zoo again today. Said zookeeper Boris Bronovich: “We’re following his droppings with much hope of success.”

[Monitor fades to a still photo of Jacqueline Carlin.]

Chevy Chase: A final note: this is my girlfriend’s birthday. Hi, Jackie. Happy 17th.

[Chevy raises his eyebrows over laughter.]

Chevy Chase: Also on the birthday spot: Lorne Michaels, executive producer of the NBC “Night” show, and a functioning schizophrenic. The NBC “Saturday Night” show will soon be replaced by the network with their new series, “Hilarious Test Patterns of the 1960’s.”

[laughter]

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.

[SUPERIMPOSE Garrett in a circle on the left side of the screen above the caption, “NEWS FOR THE HARD OF HEARING.” Audience laughs as Chevy struggles not to crack up.]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Garrett Morris: [cupping hands around his mouth] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!

Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!

Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Sam Peckinpah

Written by: John Belushi

Stagehand…..Laraine Newman
Debbie…..Gilda Radner
Rex…..Robert Klein
Sam Peckinpah…..John Belushi

[ open on a movie living room set, an actress named Debbie sitting on the loveseat reading her lines ]

[ Stagehand enters with the lead actor – Rex ]

Stagehand: Debbie? This is Rex.

Debbie: Oh, how do you do, Rex?

Rex: Hello, honey, I’m glad to meet you.

Debbie: Nice to meet you.

Rex: We’ll begin shooting in just a moment, just as soon as Mr. Peckinpah gets here.

[ Stagehand exits, as Debbie and Rex get acquainted ]

Debbie: Um.. Rex, I’m a great fan of yours, I’ve seen all of your films. Really, you’re wonderful.

Rex: Well, thank you, I’m happy to hear you say that.

Debbie: Uh, listen. I-I’m a little nervous. I’ve never worked with Mr. Peckinpah before, andI hear he’s pretty tough.

Rex: Oh, Sam? No, I’ve done fourteen Westerns with Sam! That tough thing is just on the outside. The man’s a pussycat, believe me!

Debbie: But, uh.. he’s never really done a romantic-comedy before, and.. I was wondering – you think he can handle that?

Rex: Sam? Oh, come on now. Sam’s a genius, he can handle anything! I’m sure he’ll pull it off.

[ Director Sam Peckinpah enters the set, looking angrily off-stage at a stagehand ]

Sam Peckinpah: One more mistake, you’re on the bus! [ spots Rex ] Rex! Hey, hey! [ the two begin to playfully spar with one another, until he notices Debbie ] You must be Debbie.

Debbie: Yes. How do you do, Mr. Peckinpah?

Sam Peckinpah: Charmed. [ kisses her hand ] Look, I don’t like to waste a lot of time on rehearsal, let’s put one down, alright?

Debbie: Oh. Alright.

Sam Peckinpah: Let’s film it! Okay, let’s try one. [ Debbie takes her place standing at the window, while Rex sits on the loveseat reading a newspaper ] This is a take. [ takes a seat in his director’s chair ] Okay. and.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uh.. that’s not quite it. [ slaps Debbie in the face ] It doesn’t, it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t — Make me believe it.

Debbie: I’m sorry, yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Make me believe it, okay?

Debbie: Okay. Yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright? How do you feel?

Debbie: I’m fine, thank you.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. Alright. Let’s try it again, alright?

Debbie: Okay.

[ Debbie and Rex resume their positions ]

Sam Peckinpah: Alright. Let’s try one. Quiet. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut. [ stands ] Uh.. you’re playing it too broad. Uh, you have to, you have to bring it down a little bit, okay? Alright. Have fun with it. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders ]

Debbie: I’m fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ displaces his weight so he can kick her in the shin ] Okay.

[ everyone returns to their positions on the set ]

Sam Peckinpah: Let’s try one! And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! [ stands ] You know.. that’s not quite it, you know? It just is not working for me. It’s not you! [ thrusts his pointed fingers towards Debbie, who flinches just in case ] It’s me, it’s me. [ points his fingers back to himself ] Give me a second to think, okay. Just give me a second. [ wraps his hand around his face, thinking intensely ] I’ve got it! [ thrusts his hand out and punches Debbie in the gut; she falls on the loveseat and struggles to climb back to her feet ] Vivacius!

Debbie: Vivacious?

Sam Peckinpah: I want you to be vivacious.

Debbie: Oh. Okay.

Sam Peckinpah: Okay. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders again ]

Debbie: I’m great, I’m just fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ slaps her across the face, then turns to Rex ] Is it working for you?

Rex: I’m good. Good contact.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright, let’s try another one! Let’s do it this time! [ everyone returns to their positions on the set ] Okay. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uhhh.. gee, I don’t know. [ grabs the back of Debbie’s neck and twists her to the floor ] I don’t know, I don’t know. [ to Rex ] Can you believe this? [ Rex nods ] Are you relating? Is there good eye contact there? There is?

[ Debbie signals for Rex to rescue her, but Peckinpah continues to push her onto the loveseat as he he critiques the performance ]

Sam Peckinpah: I think it’s me, I do, I think it’s me. Well, let’s try it again, alright? [ knocks Debbie onto the loveseat with a slap; when she struggles back to her feet, he shoves her back into it again ] Okay, let’s try it. Let’s try one more, let’s try to get it right. Alright?

[ while returning to her position at the window, Debbie practically collapses onto the floor before she makes it back on her feet ]

Rex: Same place, Sam?

Sam Peckinpah: Same place. Start from the top. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

[ a beat, as Peckinpah looks on without interrupting ]

Rex: Really? what?

Sam Peckinpah: Cut!

[ Debbie looks toward Peckinpah with a certain panic and disallusion in her eyes, while Rex gives a cocky glance towards his director ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ stands ] Now, Rex.. what I want from you.. is, I want —

[ suddenly, Rex violently knees Peckinpah in the groin, grabs his shoulders and thrusts him to the floor ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ sits up, dazed ] That’s it! I think we got a take! Print it!

[ Rex and Debbie walk off the set arm-in-arm ]

[ dissolve to the applauding audience ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next.. Are Tulips The Vodka Of Flowers?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Pong

Player on Right…..Al Franken
Player on Left…..Tom Davis

[FADE IN on a black “Pong” video screen. Franken is leading Davis, 5-4. The players trade shots for several seconds.]

Al Franken: Y’know, I, uh… I really think I aced the old history midterm.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I saw you were the first one to leave. I thought it was pretty–

[A deep “BUZZ!” is heard as Davis misses a shot and falls behind 6-4.]

Tom Davis: Pretty hard.

Al Franken: Did ya?

Tom Davis: Yeah.

Al Franken: Well, I aced it, I’m sure of it.

Tom Davis: What, uh, what century did you put for McKinley’s shot?

Al Franken: Uh… let’s see, nineteenth, he was shot–

[Davis misses again to make it a 7-4 score.]

Al Franken: [chuckling] He was shot in 1901.

Tom Davis: Well, that’s the twentieth century.

[Franken misses a shot which cuts his lead to 7-5.]

Al Franken: Oh, wow, that’s right!

Tom Davis: Right, dumbo, you live in 1975, but it’s the twentieth century.

Al Franken: [disgusted] Oh, that’s, oh now–

[He misses another shot to make the score 7-6.]

Al Franken: I missed that whole section!

Tom Davis: Well, that’s too bad!

Al Franken: Ohhhhhhh…

Tom Davis: How’d you do on that Alexander Hamilton essay?

[After a moment, the Franken misses again, to make it 7-all.]

Al Franken: What Alexander Hamilton essay?

Tom Davis: The long essay question at the end of the exam.

Al Franken: That was on Aaron Burr!

Tom Davis: No, it wasn’t!

Al Franken: Yeah, it was!

Tom Davis: No, it said, “Write a biography on the man who invented the Federal Reserve banking system.” That’s Hamilton, not Burr!

Al Franken: [stunned] Oh, wow. Th–

[He misses yet another shot, and is now behind 8-7.]

Al Franken: I just read a book about Burr, too.

Tom Davis: Oh. Well, maybe you’ll get partial credit.

[laughter]

Al Franken: I doubt it.

[They trade shots for a few seconds.]

Al Franken: Say, uh, you didn’t happen to notice, did ya, if the, uh–

[He loses a fifth consecutive point, and trails 9-7.]

Al Franken: Nuts! The true-falses kind of went in a… in a pattern?

Tom Davis: Yes, it was amazing!

Al Franken: Oh, good.

Tom Davis: It went true-false, true-false, true-false, all the way through!

[Davis finally misses again, and is ahead 9-8.]

Al Franken: Wait a minute, I got, uh… I got false, true…

[Franken is no longer moving his blip, and misses a shot.]

Al Franken: False, uh, true.

[The ball goes right past the motionless blip on the right again, and the game ends with the Davis winning 11-8. The blips disappear from the screen.]

Tom Davis: Oh. Well… Wanna play another game?

Al Franken: No, I got a geology exam in a couple hours, uh… Maybe I’d better bone up. [long pause] It’s, uh, “Rocks for Jocks,” I shouldn’t have too much trou–I’ll probably ace it.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

ABBA performs “Waterloo”

Captain…..Robert Klein
…..ABBA

[ open on interior, dining hall of the Titanic, Captain’s Table. The Captain is still attempting to plug up the hole with his hat, as the opening chords of ABBA’s next song begins to play. ][ dissolve to the adjacent part of the stage, where the members of ABBA are playing ]

ABBA:
“My my at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender
Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way.”

[ SUPER: “Right Now ABBA Is Lip Synching” ]

[ SUPER: It’s Not Their Fault” ]

[ SUPER: “The Tracks Didn’t Arrive From Sweden” ]

ABBA:
“The history book on the shelf
is always repeating itself.

Waterloo – I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo – Promise to love you for ever more.”

[ cut to Captain, more worried than ever as he holds his plate against the leak ]

ABBA:
“Waterloo – Couldn’t escape if I wanted to
Waterloo – Knowing my fate is to be with you.”

[ cut back to ABBA performing ]

ABBA:
“Waterloo – Finally facing my Waterloo.”

[ cut back to the Captain, desperately trying to plug the hole with his napkin, a plate, and a menu, none of it appearing to help ]

ABBA:
“My my, I tried to hold you back but you were stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only hope is giving up the fight.”

[ cut back to ABBA performing, aswater drops appear on the screen and the stage tilts to the left ]

ABBA:
“And how could I ever refuse
I feel like I win when I lose.

Waterloo – I was defeated, you won the war.”

[ left with no other recourse, the Captain smiles at the performance as he holds his plate against the hole ]

[ ABBA’s performance remains tilted to the left, as tables off-screen to the right begin to slide into viw on the left. Awaiter attempts to carry a tray across the right of the stage, struggles briefly with the uphill climb, then topples backwards. Everyone sitting at the Captain’s table falls out of their chairs, as a huge splash of water engulfs the stage. ]

ABBA:
“Waterloo – Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo – Couldn’t escape if I wanted to
Waterloo – Knowing my fate is to be with you
Waterloo – Finally facing my Waterloo.

[ the camera pans the upward tilt to the right, as we rest on a montage bumper of the couple walking arm-in-arm past the street lamp with their little white dog ]

ABBA:
“And how could I ever refuse…”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”

…..Loudon Wainwright III

[ dissolve onto Loudon Wainwright III standing on the apron of the stage surrounded by the audience. He begins playing with no introduction. ]

Loudon Wainwright III:
“When I die, and it won’t be long
Hey, you’re gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong
Yeah, you’re gonna be sorry that you treated me bad
Yes, and if there’s an afterlife, I’ll gloat and I’ll be glad.

You know it might be a plane crash or some sort of OD
Hey, there’s gonna be a photograph with my obituary
You’re gonna see it and you’ll cry a lot, you’re gonna wanna wear black
Hey, I’ll be dead, but you can bet your life I’m gonna get you back.

I’m tired of being left up on your shelf
I might not wait around, I might kill myself
Not only would you miss me, but you’d feel guilty, too
Oh, I’d be dead, but it’d be too late, the joke would be on you!

Ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho ho!
Chuckle chuckle chuckle chuckle!
Snicker snicker snicker snicker!
Guffaw guffaw guffaw guffaw!
Yuk yuk yuk yuk!
Chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle.

So you better take warning, and start treating me good
Start doing the things that I think you should
And you’d better not.. pout, you’d better not cry
Hey, the grim reaper is a-coming to town and I just might die!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Bicentennial”

…..Robert Klein
…..Loudon Wainwright III

[ Robert Klein stands next to Loudon Wainwright III on the stage ]

Robert Klein: And, now, a song from my new friend – Loudon Wainwright.

[ the audience applauds as Klein rushes off the stage, and Wainwright begins his song ]

Loudon Wainwright III:
“Hey, we’re gonna have an anniversary
Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial
Hey, America’s having a birthday
Gonna be 200 years old
Isn’t it wonderful?
Oh, you know it certainly is.

Goodness, what a wonderful country
Wow, what a nifty history
Gee, it’s a powerful nation
And it’s been 200 years now
Isn’t it wonderful?
Oh, you know it certainly is.

Well, I relived my country’s history
In a class called Social Studies
And I learned the Pledge of Allegience
And I sing my natinal anthem:
“My country ’tis of thee.”

Yes, you know we have our heroes
I mean, Washington and Lincoln
And including Audie Murphy
And including old Jack Ruby
Wasn’t he wonderful?
Oh, you know, he certainly was.

So, let’s hear it for Ohio
And the rippling redwood forest
Or the Sawmill River Parkway
Oklahoma’s strange panhandle
Aren’t they all wonderful?
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah!

Yes, we’re gonna have an anniversary
Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial
Hey, America’s having a birthday
Gonna be 200 years old
Isn’t it wonderful?
Oh, you know it certainly, certainly is!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

ABBA performs “S.O.S.”

Captain…..Robert Klein
…..ABBA

[ open on interior, dining hall of the Titanic, Captain’s Table ]

Captain: [ chuckling as he addresses his guests ] May I recommend the, um, Oysters Titanic, and a very marvelous salad made of iceberg lettuce?

[ opening notes of “S.O.S.” begin to play ]

Captain: Oh, the entertainment is beginning. A very wonderful vocal group from Sweden, called ABBA. You’ll love them.

[ dissolve to the adjacent part of the stage, where the members of ABBA are playing ]

ABBA:
“Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good.

So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me
S.O.S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S.O.S.
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good.

So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me
S.O.S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S.O.S.
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try how can I carry on?”

[ back at the Captain’s table, the Captain discovers a leak in the wall, and tries desperately to plug it up with his menu and his hat. Intercut between him in ABBA through to the end of the song. ]

ABBA:
“So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me
S.O.S.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S.O.S.
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try, how can I carry on?
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try, how can I carry on?”

[ the audience applauds as ABBA takes their bow. In the far left edge of the screen, the Captain continues to try to plug up the hole. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Robert Klein & The SNL Band perform “I Can’t Stop My Leg”

Written by: Robert Klein, Howard Shore, Paul Shaffer

…..Robert Klein

[ open on Robert Klein standing on stage before the SNL Band. He’s dressed in jeans, with a red bandana tied around his head. ]

Robert Klein: Give me some blues!

[ the SNL Band plays some blue sounds behind Klein, as he repeatedly raises and stomps his right leg to the beat. He raises a harmonica and maintains a rhythm with the band before singing the solo. ]

Robert Klein: [ singing ]
“I can’t stop my leg!
I can’t stop my leg, babe!
I can’t stop my leg!
I can’t stop my leg, pretty babe.”

[ harmonica ]

“Can you stop my leg?”

[ the band strikes a beat, as Klein stills his leg on the stage ]

“My leg stopped!
Woo-hoo, thank the Lord.
I want to thank the Lord for stoppin’ my leg.
Woo-hoo, yeah!”

[ his leg begin stomping again, as the band accompanies the beat ]

“There it goes again!
There, there it goes again!
There, there, there it goes
There it goes again..!”

[ SUPER: “Invisible Japanese Teen-age Albino Bedwetters In Mail-Order Underwear” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Robert Klein

…..Robert Klein

[FADE IN on Klein standing at center stage while audience applauds, then ZOOM in on him.]

Robert Klein: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, you know… A lot of my time I spent touring the country and playing a lot of colleges. Probably the most unusual school I played was the Air Force Academy, mostly because they all wore the same thing, which is a mind-blower from the stage, looking out at thirty-six hundred of them, it looks like a moving Brillo pad. I mean, they’re very together, easy to time the show, a very good audience, the Air Force Academy. [stands at attention] “PREPARE TO LAUGH! WHOOOOOOOOP!” [tucks right hand behind his back] LAUGH! HO, HO!” Sort of easy… “PREPARE FOR MR. KLEIN’S NEXT JOKE! SET UP PUNCHLINE, SMALL CHUCKLE!! Haaaaaaa, haaaaaaaa.” You know, it’s sort of easy, to, uh, get…

[Laughter]

Robert Klein: Well, I went to a small school in western New York, called Alfred University, and, uh, I went there because of the brochure more than anything else. It was a beauty, you know, really, healthy-looking people walking on the campus with books, you know… [grins broadly and stares upward while pretending to hold an open book] In brochures, people always look up at the future, like this. They’re always happy, there are never pictures in the brochure like… [hushed] “I’m gonna flunk out of this place! I lost 200 dollars in a card game! I’m pregnant!” You never see those pictures, just these…

[Klein reaches down toward a glass with a straw in it which sits on a bar stool to his right.]

Robert Klein: Can I get a drink here? I’m so thirsty, it’s been such a long night…

[He grasps the straw and slurps a light brown drink through it.]

Robert Klein: Wanna see science?

[He covers the top of the straw with one finger, lifts out the straw, and lets the trapped liquid dribble onto the floor.]

Robert Klein: I love science, and, uh… it was my favorite subject and, uh… [takes another drink] In school, I took abnormal psychology. Ever take that? Beautiful course. No more theoretical stuff: there they are in front of you, sick PEOPLE! A 500-page textbook with 600 pictures, all BEAUTIES! You know, of course we were serious about it, we didn’t–look at the freak on page 238! [sticks out his right hand and makes a deranged face] We had a little… One thing that stays in my mind about the abnormal psychology course, it was a man in the trauma section, tremendous, he was hurt in a railroad accident–perhaps you remember this–in nineteen five, a steel spike four feet long exploded, went up in the air, came down, went through the top of his head–this is true–went through his brain, came out the bottom here, [points to chin] and lodged, and he had to live the rest of his life with that thing in there, and they followed his life very closely, and compiled thousands of pages of scientific data, and found out extraordinary things. For example, he was much more irritable…

[Laughter]

Robert Klein: Loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping. I love science. Is that an understatement? It’s not all GOOD science. You know, they did some experiments with marijuana at Tulane University, and it’s important that they find out what marijuana is, because a lot of people deal with it, and don’t really know, and I’m not… I don’t know what it does or DOESN’T do! [jerks his hand upward as if he’s being shocked] I have no idea. I’m not about to TELL you! [jerks hand again] I don’t know. But they took, uh, about 40 rhesus monkeys, listen to this experiment… about 40 rhesus monkeys, and they put this steel confining apparatus on them, they couldn’t move their arms and legs, put electrodes in their brain, make ‘em comfortable right out of the JUNGLE, to this, right? And these monkeys–they weigh about 18 pounds each–these monkeys had to smoke their body weight in marijuana every day for four months. [brief laughter and clapping] Which is the equivalent to drinking a bottle of Clorox. Well, they found out some incredible things. They were much more irritable… loss of app–science marches on!

[He marches in place and hums marching band music.]

Robert Klein: Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah…

[Cheers and applause]

Robert Klein: [to camera] AND we’ll be right back after this filmed message! Please stay with us.

[Fade to black]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Jamitol

Husband…..George Coe
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Husband and Wife standing side-by-side, the exhausted Wife’s weight obviously being supported by her overzealous Husband as he speaks ]

Husband: My wife’s really something else. She got up early, cooked a great breakfast, took the kids to school, came home, made another great breakfast for me, vacuumed the house all morning, fixed the storm doors and changed the master cylinder on the Firebird, shopped for food, picked the kids up, cooked agreat dinner, and even had time for a PTA meeting, my great alcohol rubdown, and a nightcap. And look at her – she looks better than any of her friends.

Wife: I’m cleaning my oven —

Husband: And look at her – she looks better than any of her friends.

Wife: Well, I take care of myself.. get —

Husband: Gets plenty of rest, does her sit-ups, and, to make sure she gets enough iron and vitamins, she takes Jamitol every day. Makes me take it, too.

[ Wife slowly slides out from under husband’s arms, and drops to the floor ]

[ dissolve to product card: bottle of Jamitol liquid, capsule of Jamitol tablets, and a spoon ]

Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron and high potency vitamins founs in other supplements – tablet or liquid.

[ dissolve back to Husband, now standing alone ]

Husband: My wife. I think I’ll stuff her.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts