Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun

[FADE IN on a woman standing in a grocery store aisle with her cart. She pulls a can of corn from the shelf, looks at the price tag on top in dismay, and then puts the can back.]

Announcer: Inflationary prices getting you down? Then get down on inflationary prices with the new Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun from K-Put!

[Just after she holds out her hands in resignation, a yellow Stamp Gun with a long roll of paper magically appears in her right hand. Sprightly, happy strings start playing in the background, like an old promotional film. She looks down at the Stamp Gun with wonder.]

Announcer: Simply snap in a K-Put price tag roll, adjust the fingertip control price dial, aim your Price-Is-Rite stamp gun over the regular marking, pull the trigger, and presto! Look at this! A whole watermelon for only 3 cents!

[The woman is seen setting up the Stamp Gun, then aiming it at a watermelon. CUT to an old-fashioned cash register ringing up $000.03. CUT to the woman cradling her bargain watermelon and smiling slyly.]

Announcer: A 12-pound turkey for just 4 cents!

[The woman aims the stamp gun at an unwrapped frozen turkey, and the register rings up $000.04. The woman cradles her turkey and smiles in exactly the same way, then CUT to her grabbing cans and tossing them into her cart, as if on a free shopping spree.]

Announcer: Save thousands of dollars! Feed your entire family for just pennies a day! Shop for your friends–it’s fun and easy!

[FADE to the lady standing in the checkout lane getting two coins in change from a cashier. The cashier then yanks a three-foot-long receipt out of the register and drops it in her hand.]

Announcer: One trip to the store, and your K-Put Stamp Gun will pay for itself!

[CUT to the happy shopper displaying the Stamp Gun in one hand and two coins in the other. She smiles and winks at the camera.]

Announcer: Buy everything you’ve ever wanted! There’s no better way to stretch your shopping dollars!

[CUT to graphic of the Stamp Gun with the price flashing next to it.]

Announcer: K-Put’s Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun. A steal at only $49.95 while they last. That’s $49.95…

[CUT to a slide of the mailing address.]

Announcer: To K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun, Department 8, Shopping Mall, New Jersey. Void where prohibited by law.

[FADE to black]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Goodnights

…..Robert Klein

[ dissolve onto Robert Klein, standing alone on the tage wearing a purple bathrobe ]

Robert Klein: Ahh. We had a wonderful time. I love this bathrobe they got me, they apparently picked it up from the state institution. It’s owned by an old guy who went like this. I want to thank everyone. Our guests: ABBA, Loudon Wainwright, the cast, and everyone. Have a good week, and thank you.

[ Klein opens his bathrobe to expose his clothes underneath, as the house band pots up and the credits begin to scroll ]

Don Pardo V/O: The Muppets are: Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Fran Brill, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. The Pong players were Franken & Davis. Join us next week. This is Don Pardo saying – often saying – funnier than this. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Fireman

Written by: Alan Zweibel & Gilda Radner

…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Gilda Radner standing on the stage, dressed in fireman garb and holding tight to an oversized axe. Zoom in slowly as she speaks. ]

Gilda Radner: I’m a fireman. And I think being a fireman.. is the most noble and unselfish job in the world. You’re always in danger, and you’re always taking a risk. But you get a dog, and you get to play a lot of board games.. kids love ya’, and you get to see people in their underwear if their houses burn down at night.

On the job, all the guys call me Gil. Firemen have to have short names, like Gil or Greg, Skip or Zeke. You can’t have long names. Montgomery’s a bad name for a fireman. “Hey, Montgomery – get me that hose!” No good. It takes too long, and a person could die.

I love being a fireman. Especially because of the cameraderie all the guys have. Everyone’s always friendly and nice.. because we know we might be the last people we ever see.

Now, here’s some tips on fire prevention. Don’t overload your plug. Don’t light matches for fun. And when you’re cooking over an open stove, don’t wear a Japanese bathrobe. The sleeves hang down, they could catch fire. Don’t leave oily rags lying around in your living room, and don’t kick over an oil lamp in the barn. And be very careful with old people’s birthday cakes. Maybe it’d be better if you just sent them a card. And don’t forget – never smoke in a subway or an elevator. I’m not sure why, but it’s against the law, so don’t do it.

I’m glad I’m a fireman. And I’ve written a ltitle poem about it. [ pulls a notebook out of her boot ] I got it here:

“The fireman’s job is a job worh keeping
We’re all up, while you’re all sleeping.
Sound the alarm and we’re on our toes
Sliding down poles and alerting our nose.
The noblest of jobs, to sniff out fires
And waterproof coats that make you perspire
Yes, we’ve got outfits, gloves and hats
Boots, dalmations, checkers and chats.
Yeah, we’re the guys that save your lives
And we don’t use guns, or clubs, or knives – and bats.”

And, remember – if you’re playing Bingo, sit near an exit.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Bee Centennial Minute

Bee…..Garrett Morris

[FADE IN on a large painting of Washington crossing the Delaware as a drum march plays in the background. SUPERIMPOSE, “Bee Centennial Minute,” then PAN over to Garrett Morris dressed as a Bee with what looks like a white ascot tied in a bow around his neck and a Revolutionary War soldier’s cap on his head.]

Bee: Hello. [over fife music] Two… two hundred years ago today, a bee named Henry left his hive early in the morning, flew a good two or three miles, looking for a nice quiet clearing somewhere, became totally disoriented, and ultimately lost. In his confusion, he found himself flying through the actual tent of General George Washington on the battlefield. Exhausted, the bee searched for a place to rest his weary wings and get his bearings. Before long, he alighted on the wooden butt of a musket which was left lying lengthwise on a makeshift cot in the back of the tent. A battle-fatigued soldier, one of General Washington’s personal guards, entered the tent seconds later and, seeing that the general was away for a moment, threw himself down on the cot for a brief nap. Not having noticed the musket, he badly bruised his hip on the firing mechanism and crushed the bee. And that’s the way it was 200 years ago today.

[FADE to a slide of red and white curved stripes with the caption, “Bee Centennial Minute” and an outline of the Liberty Bell. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Gregg Allman’s Love Life

Gregg Allman…..Chevy Chase
Voice…..Lorne Michaels

[FADE IN on Allman wearing a feminine-looking long blonde wig, light brown sunglasses, and an unbuttoned blue work shirt. He noodles on a piano while two musicians sit behind music stands in the background.]

Voice: Hey, hotshot rock star Gregg Allman: how’s your love life?

Gregg: [quits playing and grins] Hey, great! [in a spaced-out voice] I got a new album comin’ out, lots of bread, lots of groupies, great band, new keyboards, uh, it’s really great, really great.

Voice: I said, Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [after a silent pause] Uh, it’s very good, I, uh, I got new keyboards, uh, new album, a lot of bread comin’ in, uhhhhhhh… uh, groupies, groupies everywhere, uh, it’s comin’ in, ehhhhhhh–

Voice: Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [hits a random note on the piano] It’s pretty good, uhhhhhhh… new album comin’ out, lookin’ real good, hey, groupies all–I know, money comin’ in all the time, and, uh, it’s lookin’, it’s lookin’ pretty fine, you know–

Voice: Gregg Allman, I said: HOW’S your LOVE life?

Gregg: [looking uncomfortable] It’s not bad, uh, Cher and I, uh, we split up, but, uh, that one’s far out, uh, groupie chicks, no bread, and, um, uh… [voice catches] You know…

Voice: Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [looking lost] It’s, uh… toilet.

[His head drops straight down on his keyboard and hits several notes when it lands. HOLD on his motionless blonde wig for a long moment as audience applauds.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

No Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 15th, 1975

Robert Klein

ABBA

Loudon Wainwright III

The Muppets

Albert Brooks

None

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Alan Zweibel



Season 1: Order Now! Beauty PageantSummary: Southern Californian Sherry (Laraine Newman) has won the Miss America Beauty Pageant, but she refuses to accept her crown.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

MontageNote: Michael O’Donoghue is no longer credited as a Not Ready For Prime-Time Player, though he does appear in a non-speaking role during ABBA’s performance.

Robert Klein’s MonologueSummary: Robert Klein does stand-up about animal stereotyping.

Bio: Robert Klein (1942-). Comedian; one of the early members of both Chicago’s Second City troupe and the Improvisation club during the 1960’s; starred in the CBS summer replacement series “Comedy Tonight” in 1970; minor film credits include: “The Owl & The Pussycat” (1970).

Also Hosted: 77j.

ABBA performs “S.O.S.”Summary: ABBA perform aboard the Titanic as the ship’s Captain (Robert Klein) discovers a leak.

Bio: ABBA are the Swedish husband-and-wife teams of Benny Andersson & Anni-Frid “Frida” Lyngstad and Björn Ulvaeus & Agnetha Faltskog. Their group name is an acronym of the initials in their first names.

Lyrics

PongSummary: Al Franken & Tom Davis discuss their recent history midterm while playing Pong.

Transcript

Minute MysterySummary: Mexican detective Mike Mendoza (Dan Aykroyd) challenges viewers to solve a murder crime in under a minute.

Recurring Characters: Mike Mendoza.

Bee Centennial MinuteSummary: A bee (Garrett Morris) discusses his species’ brush with Washington 200 years ago.

Recurring Characters: Bee.

Transcript

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Bicentennial”Bio: Loudon Wainwright III (1947-). Humorous folk singer/songwriter; a descendant of colonial governor Peter Stuyvesant; son of Loudon S. Wainwright, Jr., who worked as a writer and editor for Life magazine; appeared recurringly as Capt. Calvin Spalding during the third season of “M*A*S*H”; he was once married to Kate McGarrigle, who often recorded his songs with her sister, Anna.

Lyrics

Greg Allman’s Love LifeSummary: Greg Allman (Chevy Chase) tries to avoid giving a straight answer to the question “How’s your love life?”

Transcript

Sam PeckinpahSummary: Sam Peckinpah (John Belushi) treats an actress (Gilda Radner) roughly while directing a romantic-comedy scene.

Note: John Belushi proposed this sketch for the previous week’s episode, whereby host Candice Bergan would have played Gilda Radner’s part.

Note: Uses the same set as “Minute Mystery”.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase makes faces at Frank Telinka (Dan Aykroyd) during his energy crisis warning.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: A husband (George Coe) uses the product to keep his wife (Jane Curtin) busy all day long.

Transcript

ExterminatorsSummary: An exterminator (John Belushi) and his associate (Robert Klein) enter a basement to kill the roaches. Horrified at the prospect of harming one of God’s creatures, the associate refers to the film, “The Eternal Crawl,” which traces the triumpant existence of roaches throughout human history.

FiremanSummary: Gilda Radner talks about how much she enjoys being a fireman, and offers some fire prevention tips.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred tries to cure Ploobis’ migraine headache.

Robert KleinSummary: Robert Klein does stand-up about college life.

Transcript

K-Put’s Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Transcript

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”Lyrics

Looks At BooksSummary: Elderly author Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) usesan excessive amount of repetitive adjectives while describing her book, “Little Kingdom”, to Jane Curtin.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.

Robert Klein & The SNL Band perform “I Can’t Stop My Leg”Transcript

ABBA performs “Waterloo”Summary: The Titanic sinks as ABBA lip-synchs their performance onboard.

Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Esther Phillips performs “I Can Stand A Little Rain”

from the album: What A Diff’rence A Day Makes (1975)

…..Esther Phillips

[ fade in on a close-up of a guitar player ]

[ zoom out to reveal Esther Phillips poised in front of him, as she begins to sing ]

Esther Phillips:
“I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain.

But when the rain comes to the floorboards
I can stand a little rest.

I can stand a little sorrow
I can stand it until tomorrow
I can stand a little strife
Oh, it’s just another taste of life.

I can stand a little love
Said I can stand a little love
Oh, and when I’m on my last go-round
I can stand a little rest.

[ chimes ]Well, I made it, I made it before, yes!
And I’m gonna make it, yeah, oh my Lord!
I’m gonna make it some more, yeah.
Let me speak on it for a minute, yeah.And all I need is a wee bit of lovin’
And I’m gonna keep on truckin’
And I’m steppin’, I’m steppin’, I’m steppin’
I’m gonna make it some more, yeah.

Well, well, well, well
I said I made it before, yeah
And I’m gonna keep on makin’ it some more!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Esther Phillips performs “What a Difference a Day Makes”

from the album: What A Diff’rence A Day Makes (1975)

…..Candice Bergen
…..Esther Phillips

[ Candice Bergen stands next to Esther Phillips ]

Candice Bergen: Ladies and gentlemen, this is someone I wanted very much to have on the show – Miss Esther Phillips.

[ audience applauds ]

Now, Esther – one of us is going to sing “What a Difference a Day Makes.” Since you know the words, probably you should do it.

Esther Phillips: No, I think you should.

[ the band begins to play, as Candice develops a look of horror on her face and ducks off the stage ]

Candice Bergen: Bye, Esther!

Esther Phillips:
“What a diff’rence a day made
twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain.

My yesterday was blue, dear
today I’m part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
since you said you were mine.

What a diff’rence a day makes
there’s a rainbow before me
Skies above can’t be stormy
since that moment of bliss;
That thrilling kiss.

It’s heaven when you
find romance on your menu.
What a diff’rence a day makes
and the diff’rence is you.

[ sax solo ]

“What a diff’rence a day made
twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain.

My yesterday was blue, dear
today I’m part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
since you said you were mine.

What a diff’rence a day makes
there’s a rainbow before me
Skies above can’t be stormy
since that moment of bliss;
That thrilling kiss.

It’s heaven when you
find romance on your menu.
What a diff’rence a day makes
and the diff’rence is you.

I said the diff’rence is you.
I said the diff’rence is you.
You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you
What a difference
I said the diff’rence is you.
What a difference a day makes
I said the diff’rence is you.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

…..Candice Bergen
Bee…..John Belushi
…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Candice Bergen.

(Candice Bergen is standing next to a stool which she puts her hand on)

Candice Bergen: Thank you very much. I am very happy to be here tonight. I am also especially happy to be here as Saturday Night’s first woman host. (audience applauds) This may not make up for the ERA vote the other day, but at least it’s something.

(A bee sneaks in through a door in the background)

Candice Bergen: Uh – I just want to say that rehearsals have been very hectic..

(The bee runs up to her and sits on her hand, she doesn’t notice)

Candice Bergen: ..but very exciting. The whole crew here has made me feel very much —

(Chevy Chase walks up next to her)

Chevy Chase: Uh, Candice? Sorry to bother you – don’t move, there’s a bee on your hand.

(Candice looks at the bee, whose antennas bob up and down)

Candice Bergen: Um.. u,h I’m allergic to bees. Uh.. what should I do?

Chevy Chase: It’s ok, just go on. Ignore the bee, I’ll take care of it, you just go on.

Candice Bergen: Just go on with the show?

(Chevy walks around behind them and rolls up a script in his hand)

Candice Bergen: Um.. we have Esther Phillips with us tonight.

(Chevy raises the script to hit the bee)

Candice Bergen: Chevy, don’t – don’t hurt the bee.

Chevy Chase: Oh I won’t hurt the bee. No it’s just a script, I’m just going to shoo it away. Go on little bee! Go on! Go on! Shoo! Shoo!

(Chevy whacks the bee across the head with the script and he falls over, holding his head)

Candice Bergen: Oh! I told you not to hurt him! Now you killed him! Are you alright?

Chevy Chase: It’s alright, he’s just stunned.

(The bee stands up)

Candice Bergen: You ok there, little bee? You ok there, little fella?

Bee: (softly) Yeah.

Candice Bergen: Everything ok? You know, I asked him not to hurt you. I asked him. You heard me.

(The bee walks away)

Chevy Chase: He’s going away, he’s flying away, he’ll be fine.

Candice Bergen: Thank you Chevy, I appreciate it.

Chevy Chase: You’re welcome, no problem.

(Chevy walks away)

Candice Bergen: Ok, let’s see, Esther Phillips, Andy Kaufman, the Saturday Night regulars are here with us tonight. And we think it’s going to be —

(The bee buzzes up and lands on her sholder)

Candice Bergen: Um.. we think it’s going to be a very exciting show, and we’ll BE back after this filmed message.

Submitted by: Rebecca King

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Andy Kaufman

…..Candice Bergen
Foreign Man…..Andy Kaufman

[ZOOM IN on Candice Bergen standing at the left side of the stage.]

Candice Bergen: Boys and girls, this is a man that I love very much. The word “genius” comes to mind, but I will let you decide for yourselves. [gestures to stage] Andy Kaufman!

[Audience cheers and whistles as Andy walks onstage and stands next to a single conga drum. Andy wears a light gray suit several sizes too large for him and a white shirt underneath with no tie. He stands silent and motionless for about five seconds, and then he speaks haltingly in his Eastern European “Latka” accent.]

Foreign Man: It was three people. And they carried the biggest cannon in thee vorld to Spain. So, it was two boys and one girl. And they carrying the cannon, ehhh, to the highest mountain in Spain. So, the first boy, you know, they are on top of the mountain, and the first boy, he, point the cannon to this castle. [starts getting excited] And so, so, so, so so, he, so he, he say to the second boy, “All right, haand me the cannonbooll!” And so, so, so, so, so the second boy, he say, “Ehhhh, I thought YOU had them!” [gets really excited] So, so, then, listen, so, so, the, so listen, so, so the boy turn to the girl, and she say, “Don’t look at ME!” You know, because, eh, they could not shoot! They, uh, they had the cannon, but, they, they could not, they had no cannonball! They could not shoot! Do you understand? Tank you veddy much.

[Audience applauds as Foreign Man takes two stiff, deep bows from the waist, then pats his greased-down hair and rubs his nose.]

Foreign Man: Right now, I would like to do for you some imitations, so, first, I would like to imitate Archie Bunker. [in same voice] “You, stupid. You, you are so stupid. Everybody’s stupid. Ehh, get, get out of my chair, Meathead! Go, and the dingbat get into the kitchen, making the food! [waves arms] Eh, every, everybody’s stupid! [waves arms] I don’t like nobody! It’s so stupid!” Tank you veddy much.

[There is laughter and applause while he bows stiffly again.]

Foreign Man: Now, I would like to imitate, ehhh…

[He freezes dead in his tracks. Audience laughs while Foreign Man stands completely silent and looks lost for a good 30 seconds.]

Foreign Man: I don’t, eh, I forget… ehhh…

[He stays silent and clueless for 10 more seconds.]

Foreign Man: You vant to see me daance? All right.

[He stiffly stomps his feet up and down.]

Foreign Man: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la… I can, ehhh, sing… [in deeper voice] La, la, la, la, LA! La-la-la-la-la… [waves arms] Opera! [in falsetto] Laaaa, la-la laaaaaaaaa…

[He stops and giggles awkwardly in a desperate attempt to get laughter, then looks terrified again.]

Foreign Man: I… I don’t know nothing, eh… can… could… could we stop thee tape? Could we… I think… I think we should turn off the TV. I don’t know if, if you are laughing at me or weeth me. But, you know, eh, you know, I’m, trying to do my best, and, ehhh… I forgot what I was going to do, but, but… I promise that, eh, you know, is nothing I can do, but promise I vill not be here again.

[When the audience laughs, it appears to break his heart.]

Foreign Man: What is so funny about that, that? I don’t… I don’t know what to do…

[He breathes heavily, and appears on the verge of bursting into tears.]

Foreign Man: I tried to do my best, I tried to… he, he… I was trying to get you all to laugh, he, he…

[There is a rhythm slowly forming in his phrases.]

Foreign Man: Oh, yo, you’re laughing at me see, he, he…

[He keeps singing gibberish until it forms a clear rhythm, and then he starts beating the conga drum with one hand. He claps his hands for a few seconds while the audience claps along, and then beats the drum in perfect time. He sings a few more bars of gibberish, and then walks offstage, pumping his arms in time with a little piano accompaniment. The crowd cheers loudly as Kaufman walks back onstage and takes two stiff bows.]

[ZOOM in on woman in the audience, with SUPER: “Nobody Worth Mentioning”. FADE to black.]

Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts