Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??
Woman #1: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..
Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.
Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.
[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ]
[ SUPER: “Jaws II” ]
[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff and Matt Hooper looking over a three-foot long metal tub covered with a white cloth ]
Matt Hooper: [ looks under cloth and winces ] Oh, my God!
Sheriff: What was it?
Matt Hooper: Land shark. The cleverest species of them all.
Sheriff:
[ dissolve to Woman #2 in her apartment ]
[ Music: “Jaws Theme ]
[ a knock at the door ]
Woman #2: [ appoaches the door ] Yes?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??
Woman #2: Who?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??
Woman #2: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Flowers.
Woman #2: Flowers? From whom?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber, ma’am..
Woman #2: I don’t need a plumber. You’re that clever shark, aren’t you?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Candygram.
Woman #2: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You’re the shark, and you know it.
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] I’m only a dolphin, ma’am..
Woman #2: A dolphin? Well.. okay..
[ she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway ]
[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Matt Hooper lifts up cloth napkin covering plate, then winces and looks away ]
Sheriff: What is it?
Matt Hooper: Egg salad again. [ removes sandwich from under napkin, and takes a bite ]
[ dissolve to Woman #3 in her apartment, Woman #2 putting on make-up to go out ]
[ door buzzes ]
Woman #3: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Land Shark.
Woman #3: [ laughing ] Oh, Walter!
[ she opens door laughing, but is attacked and dragged into the hall by the Land Shark ]
[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff on phone looking horrified into another rtub covered with cloth ]
Sheriff: [ on phone ] Hello, Walter. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. First, the good news. There’s a party tonight at my house. Now, the bad news: you’ll be coming stag. Goodbye, Walter..
[ dissolve to Woman #4 in apartment, listening to the radio ]
Radio: …considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami’s Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the Nose. Now for the weather..
Woman #4: [ turns off radio, as the doorbell rings ] Who is it?
Muffled Voice: Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. I’m from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and thought you might be interested in a copy of our journal, “The Watchtower”.
Woman #4: [ grabs a mallet and inches towards the door ] Why, I’d be very interested..
Muffled Voice: Would you mind opening the door, ma’am?
Woman #4: Certainly.
[ she unlocks the door a crack, and reaches out with the mallet to strike the Land Shark’s head. Instead of the shark, a Jehovah’s Witness stumbles into the apartment and drops onto the floor in front of her. ]
[ open on a stage area, decorated with a podium that reads “The Unofficial Seal – United States of America”, a pair of folding chairs, a standing American flag on a pole, and a table with a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
[ “Hail to the Chief” plays, as a tuxedo-clad President Gerald R. Ford enters from stage right, bumping into the flag and spilling his papers onto the floor. Ford grabs his mangled pages and takes his place behind the podium. ]
[ SUPER: “This is not the President of the United States” ]
[ SUPER: “…But He Thinks He Is” ]
President Ford: My fellow Americans.. ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press.. and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. [ repeats his script ] First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the “Saturday Night” show with Harvey Cosell.
[ Ford chuckles, as he pours water into one of the glasses then proceeds to sip from the empty glass ]
President Ford: I do have — [ confused by the empty glass, he puts it down ] I do have two major announcements. [ awkward pause ] To make. Whoop! [ suddenly falls to the fall behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ stands back on his feet ] No problem. No problem, no problem. Okay.
My first announcement is one I think you’ve all been waiting for. [ lowers his head and accidentally bangs it on the podium ] Whoop! No problem! Nope! Okay! No problem! Sorry, no problem.
[ Ford again reaches over to pour water into one of the glasses, then picks up the empty pitcher and sips from it instead. He is again confused by this action, and thus returns the pitcher to the table. ]
President Ford: [ yelling ] I know a fellow who is going to enter the New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Florida, and every other primary! And I know he is going to win! And if he has any other competition, right up to the end of 1976 – thank you! Hey. [ he again falls behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ picks himself up again ] No problem! No problem! [ continues his speech ] And if I don’t win, I will continue to run in the primaries, even if there are none!
And now for my second announcement.
[ Ford crosses the stage, tripping over the two folding chairs and falling to the floor. He leans up and looks directly at the camera ]
President Ford: “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
[FADE IN on a shirt-and-tie clerk with a pencil behind his ear. He is sitting at a desk in an office which looks like a disaster area. Paper is piled all over filing cabinets, and drawers are wide open helter-skelter. The phone rings, and Dan reaches to answer it.]
Clerk: [in a bureaucratic voice] Hello, CIA, Department of Records, Scramble Line 6. [pauses, then sounds annoyed] Well, thank you! Why are WE always the last to know?
[He bangs down the phone and picks a framed photograph off his desk. Sighing heavily, he walks back to the corner of the office, where a photo of CIA Director William Colby is hanging.]
Clerk: Down with Colby… up with Bush.
[He replaces the William Colby photo with one of George H.W. Bush.]
Clerk: Way to go, Bill!
[The door opens, and Garrett Morris walks in and marches up to the clerkÂ’s desk. He wears a denim jacket and jeans with a blue beret on his head.]
Garrett Morris: I was told that, as an American citizen, I got a right to know if the CIAÂ’s got a file on me, and that by law, youÂ’re supposed to show it to me!
Clerk: Wait just a minute, there. Can’t you preface your remarks with a simple “good morning”?
Garrett Morris: Good morning.
Clerk: Can I help you?
Garrett Morris: The law says that, uh, if you got a file on me, IÂ’ve got a right to see it!
Clerk: Yes, you have the right to see it, but having the right to see it and actually seeing it are two different things. VERY different.
Garrett Morris: What you mean by that?
Clerk: [gestures around him] Well, look at this, man. Does this look like order to you? This isnÂ’t order, this is absolute chaos! Everybody in Washington has been through this office! IÂ’d like to know who was in here last night. I canÂ’t find a thing. [ruffles papers] I canÂ’t even find a paper clip in here! But thatÂ’s not your problem.
[grabs a pencil and starts writing on a form]
Clerk: [in an impatient tone] NAME?
Garrett Morris: I beg your pardon?
Clerk: I said: NAME?
Garrett Morris: Garrett Morris.
Clerk: [resigned] ThatÂ’s unfortunate.
Garrett Morris: Uh, I never liked it that much myself.
Clerk: I have three thousand, six hundred and seventy-seven Garrett Morrises in this filing bank alone. [ruffles papers] I have Garrett Morrises here, here, here… [looks at blue paper] Here with the packing clearances! Have you ever changed your name to X?
Garrett Morris: [searching his memory] Uh, uh, I, I did change it to Garrett Borocca.
Clerk: Borocca. You were on the African kick for a while! You and thirty-two thousand, six hundred and eighty-eight other black Americans. Something else! Did you ever commit an illegal act, or something?
Garrett Morris: Oh, oh, yeah, uh, I, I ran guns.
Clerk: Oh, Mr. Morris, are you aware of how many people illegally transport firearms across state lines in this country each year?
Garrett Morris: Well, hold on, uh, wait a minute, I, I also, uh–
Clerk: MILLIONS!! Millions of them!! Millions! I have sheaves of files! Something outstanding! I canÂ’t work with this!
Garrett Morris: Wait a minute, I also sold illegal narcotics, since 1968–
Clerk: IÂ’ve got no time for jokes, Mr. Morris.
Garrett Morris: Well, in Oakland, man, I was, uh, minister of defense for a radical organization–
Clerk: Radical organizations! In a dimly lit vault down the hall here, I have six POUNDS of material on radical organizations. YouÂ’re just going to have to give me something MORE, Mr. Morris, if weÂ’re going to find your file.
Garrett Morris: Uh, I, I actively, uh, advocated the overthrow of the American government, and…
Clerk: [waves file] You and 6.4 percent of the American populace. [slaps file down on desk]
Garrett Morris: Oh, waited, wait a minute. I also conspired to incite a riot. ThatÂ’s right, I crossed state lines to incite a riot.
Clerk: [mockingly] “Conspired to incite a riot!” [waves hand in circular motion] Well, yippee! You’re going to have to do better than that!
Garrett Morris: Hey, man! Wait a minute! Hey! I bombed! ThatÂ’s right, I bombed the Federal Reserve Bank!
Clerk: Not good enough. Anything else?
Garrett Morris: The big one! FIVE assassination attempts!
Clerk: [losing patience] Look, look, look, look. YouÂ’re being no help at all, here. You come in here, you want us to find a file on you, you come in here with this patsy-fied drivel of knowledge and expect us to WORK here? I canÂ’t find anything in this office! I donÂ’t know whoÂ’s been in here, these Congressional aides that are walking in here asking me for tape recorder batteries, I donÂ’t even KNOW them! They donÂ’t have security clearance! We–
[He stops cold and attempts to collect himself.]
Clerk: Give me some time on this. Perhaps a month, perhaps a year, I donÂ’t know, I frankly donÂ’t know. Fill out this card here, put your name and address on it, vital statistics. If something comes up–
[Garrett uses the clerkÂ’s pencil to start filling out the card. The clerk grabs another pencil and yanks the first one out of his hand.]
Clerk: Not that one, this one here. ThatÂ’s MINE.
[The clerk snatches back his pencil while Garrett quickly finishes the card.]
Clerk: [sighs] If something comes up, weÂ’ll let you know. DonÂ’t fill out the last two spaces, they donÂ’t matter at all.
Garrett Morris: Okay, thanks.
Clerk: [in a tired voice] All right, then.
[Garrett rises and leaves the room.]
Clerk: [babbling on] These young-faced Congressional aides. CouldnÂ’t be 25 years of age! The–
[The instant Garrett closes the door behind him, the clerk bites off his words and punches a button on his telephone. He speaks in a tight, authoritative voice.]
Clerk: Russ, I want a tap on 1-4-3 L Street, Apartment 8. Sally, come in here and get some prints off this pencil. WeÂ’re opening a new subject file on Morris: M, O, double R, I, S.
[dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on a long-haired blonde woman]
[FADE IN on a blue background over which the following captions appear: “THE THREE OF US” in the center, “MEDICAL SEASON” on the left, and “BLACK VET” on the right. A fast-paced, horn-laced theme song plays, typical of 1970’s TV network promotion jingles. A chorus of male and female voices sings along.]
Singers: “We’ve got a super season on NBC! Super season! You’re gonna like it a lot!”
[Like blocks, still photos of scenes from each show stack up in a grid.]
Announcer: Even a super season has super failures! ThatÂ’s why, at NBC, weÂ’ve got super replacements!
[The screen slowly fills up with photos.]
Announcer: Here are just a few of the new shows waiting in the wings!
[CUT to exterior of a hospital while dramatic horns pulsate in the background. The caption “Medical Season” appears in the upper left-hand corner as three people walk down the sidewalk in front of the building.]
Announcer: “Medical Season”!
[CUT to hospital orderlies wheeling a gurney down a hallway, then CUT to an ambulance pulling up toward emergency room doors.]
Announcer: Real stories! Real people! Real action! And reality was never like this!
[CUT to an older gentleman in a suit with combed-back gray hair and dark-rimmed glasses. He sits behind a desk and speaks to a young woman with her hair piled up in a bun.]
Senior Doctor: [in heavy accent] At best, IÂ’d say you have a year to live.
Woman: [unemotionally] I know. I overheard you tell Dr. Franklin.
Senior Doctor: [outraged] You already knew, and you made me go through the agony of telling you this? You are an inconsiderate and thoughtless woman.
[CUT to Dr. Franklin, a young, Chad-Everett type in a gray suit walking out of the hospital with a red-haired, bearded man, wearing a black ‘70s leisure suit and smoking a cigarette.]
Roberts: If sheÂ’s in pain, then dammit, DONÂ’T keep her alive.
Dr. Franklin: [stolidly] SheÂ’s not in pain. Your wife will be fine until she dies.
Roberts: [angrily] She should not be allowed to LIVE if sheÂ’s going to die like this!
Dr. Franklin: Well, youÂ’re gonna die, Mr. Roberts. YouÂ’re allowed to live.
Roberts: [pulls on cigarette] IÂ’m not going to die within a year, doctor!
Dr. Franklin: How do you know?
[The young doctor stops and faces Roberts.]
Dr. Franklin: You could be hit by a car driving home today! Roberts: IÂ’m not GOING home today.
[Roberts stalks off as Dr. Franklin glares angrily after him. CUT to the senior doctor from the first scene accompanied by Dr. Franklin. A nurse is pushing a gurney with a young long-haired man on it down a hallway.]
Dr. Franklin: But itÂ’s unneccessary! This man does not need surgery!
Senior Doctor: [accented] HeÂ’s already paid for it, and weÂ’ve already spent the money.
[CUT to the same two doctors outside. The older doctor sits behind the wheel of a red sports convertible while Dr. Franklin leans on the door and stares angrily in his face.]
Dr. Franklin: YouÂ’re the man in charge! If you go on vacation during this crisis, youÂ’ll lose the respect of every doctor who works for you!
Senior Doctor: I have weighed this decision most carefully. IÂ’ll see you in a week.
[He waves bye-bye and pulls away in the car. CUT to a middle-aged man in a turtleneck leaning over a long-haired woman in a chair and talking intensely to her.]
Man: YouÂ’re not really in love with me. You just THINK you are. It happens all the time, Leslie. Patients think theyÂ’re in love with their doctors, but they never really are.
[CUT to a dramatic closeup of the man as he turns his head and snarls bitterly.]
Man: They SUCK the doctors into believing them. The doctors do… and then the doctors get DUMPED!!
[CUT to a long-haired blonde nurse, sitting behind a long, high desk and talking on the telephone. Blocks on the wall above her spell out the word “REHAB.”]
Nurse: [in a tired voice] I am a registered nurse… NOT a registered prostitute.
[CUT to an ambulance van pulling up to the emergency room with sirens blaring and strobes flashing.]
Announcer: “Medical Season”! 9 out of 10 doctors agree: if this show gets on the air, watch out! It just might be habit-forming!
[The ambulance stops at the emergency room doors. A man gets out of the passenger front seat, walks around the front of the van, and opens the driverÂ’s door. He helps the driver out and gingerly leads him inside.]
[CUT to a shot of a tall, long building with “CENTURY CITY” in the left corner. Cooler horn music plays, overlaid with a bit of ‘70s slide guitar. CUT to shots of “Judy’s,” “MAGNIN,” and other store signs. CUT to a man and two women walking arm-in-arm down a city sidewalk. Albert Brooks is the husband, and the woman on the left bears a striking resemblance to Susan Dey.]
Announcer: “The Three of Us!”
[SUPERIMPOSE title in the middle of the screen.]
Announcer: The wildest new comedy youÂ’ve ever seen!
[FLASH shots of a store window, a “BIJOU” movie marquee, and then a sign which says “VIBRATIONS,” then CUT to the three on the sidewalk. The married couple wanders over to a storefront window, while the other woman watches from a short distance.]
Announcer: On the right are Bob and Cathy. TheyÂ’re married. On the left is Susan, CathyÂ’s best friend. They all live together in fashionable West Los Angeles. This makes for a whole lot of fun–besides making Bob very excited!
[CUT to Bob and Cathy sitting on a couch while Susan sits on the floor near an intable.]
Bob: Well, I think we ought to do something exotic.
[laugh track]
Cathy: [sets book on her chest] What did you have in mind, darling?
Bob: [suggestively] Well, I donÂ’t know… maybe, uh, you know, what they talk about in the magazines.
[CUT to Susan looking dubiously at Bob.]
Susan: The only magazines we got around here is “TV Guide.”
[Run laugh track while Bob looks defeated and Cathy smirks. CUT back to Susan.]
Susan: Hey, why donÂ’t we join a record club?
[She flashes a smug smile over the laugh track. CUT to Bob and Cathy in bed. Bob is leaning on his pillow and talking to his wife.]
Bob: Come on, letÂ’s ask her in here.
Cathy: I donÂ’t WANT to ask her in here. I went to college with her.
[laugh track]
Bob: So you went to college with her! YouÂ’re both smart–sheÂ’ll find her way in here in a second!
[Run laugh track while Cathy glares at him and then turns her head away. CUT to Bob cracking an egg into a bowl in an upscale kitchen.]
Bob: [peeved] Why canÂ’t she have two eggs like the rest of us?
[laugh track]
Bob: [tosses eggshell away] Why do I have to make an odd number of eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why do I even HAVE to make eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why am I doing the cooking? What is my PLACE here?
[Laugh track runs while Bob disgustedly tosses another eggshell away. CUT to the three of them at the breakfast table.]
Susan: [to Cathy] Oh, listen, before I forget, if itÂ’s okay, can I borrow your overnight bag?
Cathy: Sure, itÂ’s upstairs.
[CUT to Bob chewing with his mouth open and smirking at Susan.]
Bob: Overnight bag, huh? Where are you goinÂ’?
[CUT to Susan and then Cathy looking coldly at Bob.]
Cathy: Why do you care?
Bob: What do you mean, why do I care? IÂ’m a human being. I have feelings. IÂ’m also VERY good in bed.
[laugh track]
Bob: [pleadingly] Please, Susan. Please, you two. Pleeeease.
[grabs jelly jar and unscrews the top]
Bob: Look, jam.
[The women ignore him and his open jam jar while canned laughter and applause play. CUT to the sidewalk in the first scene. Cathy and Susan are running down the sidewalk as Bob chases after them.]
Announcer: Everyone’s fantasy now becomes a situation comedy! “The Three of Us”! It’s in the can and waiting!
[Still chasing the women, Bob holds out his arms pleadingly, then trips on his own feet and almost falls to the ground.]
[CUT to a man and two children taking a pet cage out of the bed of a pickup truck which sits parked on a dirt road near a grove of trees on a hot summer day. Snarling guitar music plays in the background.]
Announcer: [dramatically] “Black Vet.”
[SUPERIMPOSE the title in black letters.]
Announcer: A young black veteran from the Vietnam War returns, and takes up practice as a veterinarian in a small southern town.
[The man and two children carefully carry the cage down a front walk. A sign next to it reads, “Dr. M. Bowman, Veterinarian.”]
Announcer: He and his family find acceptance difficult.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman inside his office and talking to an older white man in a blue jeans jacket and a cowboy hat. A dog sits between them.]
Man: [drawling] Now, heÂ’s gonna have to be operated on. [pauses] Quite frankly, Duke doesnÂ’t want you to do it.
Dr. Bowman: [with an attitude] You mean, IÂ’m gonna have to board this dog while youÂ’re out of town, but IÂ’m not gonna have to operate? Is that what youÂ’re saying to me?
Man: Well, I donÂ’t have anything to do with it. [points to dog] ItÂ’s his choice.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman grabbing a young white guy by the front of his shirt and knocking him softly against the wall.]
Dr. Bowman: [slowly] IÂ’m not the kind of vet that believes in drowning cats.
[Cat meows in background]
Dr. Bowman: Except the kind that go after my wife.
[CUT to a young black woman talking to the vet in front of a row of pet cages.]
Dr. Bowman: I just take care of her cow, do you understand? ThatÂ’s all!
Woman: She doesnÂ’t HAVE a cow, Dr. Bowman!
Dr. Bowman: [confused] Maybe weÂ’re talking about somebody else. Who do YOU mean?
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in his white smock and holding up a birdcage.]
Dr. Bowman: Malpractice?!
ManÂ’s Voice: [growling off camera] ThatÂ’s right!
Dr. Bowman: Hey, give me a break, man, weÂ’re talkinÂ’ about parakeets!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman kneeling in front of his son and scoldingly pointing in his face.]
Dr. Bowman: [shouting] STAY away from the sheep!! You got it?!
[The boy nods obediently.]
Dr. Bowman: You just stay AWAY from ‘em!!
[CUT to the vet and his wife sitting out on their porch at night.]
Mrs. Bowman: Last night, Martin, in your sleep, you told me that you loved me.
Dr. Bowman: [smiles sweetly] You know I meant it. What else did I say?
Mrs. Bowman: You said you didnÂ’t think IÂ’d ever race again, but you wouldnÂ’t have to shoot me.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in front of a muzzled horse. He is holding onto the sides of the muzzle with both hands, while the horse keeps bobbing its head to try to get away.]
Dr. Bowman: Ah, ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!!!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman peeling out in his pickup and leaving a cloud of dust behind him as the first theme music starts up again.]
Announcer: “Black Vet”! He’s coming your way just as fast as he can! Plus, there’s more!
[CUT to a smoky nightclub. The audience is standing on its feet and cheering while an actor in mime makeup walks to the edge of the stage, bends down, and kisses a young woman in the front row.]
Announcer: Specials, the likes of which you’ve never seen! Specials, like “Tuesday Night Nightclub”! Every random Tuesday, NBC takes you to a world-famous cabaret, to present the finest in underground entertainment!
[While the mime keeps bowing to applause, the scene is washed off to the left third of the screen. On the right two-thirds, a young boy and girl are seen talking to each other in a living room.]
Announcer: And: a new production of Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”! Totally acted by children!
[CUT to a closeup of the girl, who wears a gray wig and sweater.]
Girl: Do you have your glasses?
Boy: [in oversized white suit] Yeah, I got my glasses.
Girl: And your sack ring?
Boy: And my sack ring. Goodbye, IÂ’m ready.
[The scene is washed into the middle third of the screen. On the far right is a detail from an oil painting of Revolutionary War soldiers.]
Announcer: Also, a series of Bicentennial programs: guaranteed to make you feel two hundred years old!
[The mime keeps taking bows on the left, the children keep acting in the center, and closeups of the war painting keep showing on the right.]
Announcer: And: comedian Albert Brooks breaks out of his late-night harness, gets a prime-time special, and finally gets a chance at making some BIG money!
[As the theme music winds to a close, the background singers start humming in the background.]
Announcer: ItÂ’s all right here!
Singers: “On NBC…”
Announcer: And, God willing, youÂ’re gonna like it a lot!
Singers: “You’re gonna like it a lot!”
[The right two-thirds of the screen are squeezed out, and then FADE to black over applause after a brief shot of the mime taking bows onstage.]
[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in one portly gentleman and add SUPER: “Leonard Bernstein’s Caterer”]
[The “BLACK PERSPECTIVE” logo appears on screen for several seconds, then FADE to Garrett Morris in his host’s chair.]
Garrett Morris: Good evening, this is Garrett Morris, and welcome to “Black Perspective.” My guest this evening is a distinguished authoress who has written such scathing novels as “Sharecropper ‘75” and “Charcoal City.” She was a script consultant on the film “Sounder,” and has given many of us a most enriching insight into the urban black experience. Miss Jane Curtin.
[CUT to Jane sitting in the next chair and smiling.]
Garrett Morris: Welcome, soul sister Curtin. I have never met you, but IÂ’m a big fan of your work.
Jane Curtin: Thank you very much. IÂ’m happy to be here tonight.
Garrett Morris: Uh, Jane, if I may call you that, uh, your writing suggests a lineage, a background steeped in the traditions of the sharecroppers of the ‘30s who ultimately migrated to the large cities. Uh, where were you raised as a little girl?
Jane Curtin: Well, as a matter of fact, Garrett, I was raised in New York, New York City, to be exact.
Garrett Morris: Ah, I suppose, then, that, uh, growing up in Harlem gave you this animal alertness, this, uh, this street sense that seems to permeate the core of your work.
Jane Curtin: Not exactly, Garrett. I grew up in midtown Manhattan, not far from the studio here, Madiston–Madison and 63rd. But I do feel that the conscience of my writing has been strongly influenced by the plight of my brothers and sisters in the ghetto areas you speak of. The most important relationship to this, I think, is that, uh, if you are one of us, you can speak and feel for all of us, no matter where you come from.
Garrett Morris: Right on. Um, Jane, uh, IÂ’m sure that you and I agree on this, but for the sake of our viewers, IÂ’m going to ask you anyway. Which do you prefer: “black,” “Afro-American,” “Negro”…
Jane Curtin: [hold up palms] I prefer simply, “jungle bunny.”
[Jane and Garrett both laugh heartily.]
Jane Curtin: Uh, “black” is fine, Garrett, “black” is fine.
Garrett Morris: [laughing] Any, uh, suggestions for young black writers?
Jane Curtin: [intensely] Write what you know.
Garrett Morris: Mm-hm.
Jane Curtin: Write what you feel. Write the truth.
Garrett Morris: Uh, I am holding here, I’m holding here a copy of your newest book, “Shadows.” And there is no denying that, in person, you look nothing at all like your picture.
[Garrett turns the book around to show a black woman on the back cover.]
Garrett Morris: I, I, IÂ’m sure that you must hear this a lot.
Jane Curtin: Yes, I do, quite frequently. But I must be honest: I donÂ’t photograph well at all. [laughs]
Garrett Morris: Well, thank you, Jane Curtin, for being with us here on “Black Perspective.” [to camera] Be with us next week, when our guest will be Andre Prevet.
[FADE to “BLACK PERSPECTIVE” logo and theme music.]
Husband … Dan Aykroyd Wife … Laraine Newman Pitchman … Andrew Duncan
[In a kitchen, a wife serves her husbanddinner.]
Husband: [disgruntled] Sandwiches againtonight?
Wife: You know I can’t stretch the foodbudget any further! Why don’t you get a betterjob?
[Through the magic of Chroma-Key technology, apitchman appears – superimposed over this kitchenscene – and addresses the camera.]
Pitchman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere,do-nothing job? If so, this is your chance to start anexciting career in the world of internationaldiplomacy as an ambassador to a foreign country — byenrolling now at the Ambassador Training Institute.
[After a glimpse of the ATI logo (a shield with aneagle, a dollar bill, and a crossed knife and fork),we dissolve to stock footage of horse-drawn carriages,diplomats shaking hands, tables laden with food,etc.]
Ambassadors live in luxury and get to mingle withglamorous celebrities, royalty, and the social elite.And they don’t have to pick up after themselves.Ambassadors have a lot of prestige and influence. Theyput in long hours without working hard. And they’reoften the center of attention. And the food?Fantastic! Ambassadors dine on the finest gourmet foodat big fancy dinner parties in palaces, in embassiesand trade centers.
[Back to the pitchman.]
To see if you qualify for a career in diplomacy, takethis easy test, right now, in the privacy of your ownhome. Listen closely. You are having dinner with someforeign dignitaries and someone says somethinganti-American. You:
(A) Shoot him and create an internationalincident.
(B) Pretend you did not hear it and ask him to passthe sweet and sour shrimp.
You’d be surprised how many people say “A” — but ifyou said “B,” then you have the ability to make quickdecisions on your feet. When you enroll at AmbassadorTraining Institute, you’ll learn how to accept giftsgraciously, how to propose toasts. You’ll use phraseslike: “Delighted to see you again!” “I’ll ask theSecretary of State.” and “Pass the sweet and sourshrimp.”
Now, here’s how to get your free booklet. Just sendthree hundred thousand dollars and the name of thecountry to which you’d like to be ambassador to:Illegal Campaign Contributions, Ambassador TrainingInstitute, Mexico City, Mexico.
Trans American Airlines Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Man … Michael O’Donoghue Receptionist … Laraine Newman
[Fade in on a dingy apartment house hallway. Abearded, bespectacled man in a cheap green jacketwalks calmly down a flight of stairs to a pay phone onthe opposite wall. He drops in a dime, dials a number,and leans against the wall, his face turned to thecamera. He waits expectantly as the phone rings. Longstrands of hair hang awkwardly over his left ear. In asplit-screen, the call is answered by a nicely-dressedreceptionist at an airport ticket counter. A sign behind herreads “Trans American Airlines.”]
Receptionist: [pleasantly professional, with a smile]Good evening. Trans American Airlines.
Man: [in a low voice, occasionally flashing aslight, psychotic grin] Do you know what I’d like todo to you, lady? I’d like to stick tacks in your neck.[her face slowly begins to fall] Then I’d like to takea chain saw and run it down your spine. Then I’d liketo throw garbage at your face. [by now, she isfrowning unhappily] Then I’d like to rent a truck,fill it full of scrap metal and park it on yourkneecaps. Then I’d like to hit you in the lungs with ashovel, throw more garbage at your face, and then I’dlike to lop off your thumbs with a grapefruit knife.Good-bye. [grins]
Receptionist: [pleasantly, with a forced smile]Good-bye, and thank you for calling TransAmerican.
[Both parties hang up: the man blissful and satisfied,the receptionist disturbed and uneasy. Dissolve to theapplauding audience in the Studio 8Hbalcony.]
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts  Season 1: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: A Film By: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 8th, 1975 Candice Bergen Esther Phillips Andy Kaufman The Muppets Albert Brooks Andrew Duncan Neil Levy Al Franken Tom Davis
Season 1: Order Now!The President of the United StatesSummary: Chevy Chase debuts his impression of Gerald R. Ford, as the accident-prone president stumbles his way through a speech he delivers directly to the “Saturday Night Live” audience. Note: The running gag in which President Ford encounters one malady after another stems from a June 1st, 1975 incident in Salzburg, Austria, when he slipped on a wet ramp while exiting Air Force One. These episodes are especially fun to look back on, when there were no cell phones, laptops, any way to generate QR code numbers for your devices. Seems very innocent now. Transcript
MontageNote: In the early days, the cast was only listed by name, four at a time on two title cards. Only the second title card, containing the names Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donaghue, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner appears in the opening credits this week.
Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: As Candice Bergen, SNL’s first woman host, tells the audience about tonight’s great show, a bee (John Belushi) appears on stage and grabs her hand. Chevy Chase approaches to swat the bee with a newspaper, but Candice objects, despite her allergies. Naturally, Chevy swats the bee anyway. Recurring Characters: Bee. Bio: Candice Bergen (1946-). Actress; daughter of Edgar Bergen, ventriloquist to Charlie McCarthy; film credits include: “Carnal Knowledge” (1971), “Rich and Famous” (1981); starred in CBS sitcom “Murphy Brown”, 1988-98; starred on “Boston Legal”, since 2005. Also Hosted: 75h, 76j, 87e, 89t. Transcript
Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play. Note: One NBC affiliate switched to local commercials during this ad parody because they believed it was a real ad. Transcript
CIA RecordsSummary: At the disheveled offices of the CIA, an employee (Dan Aykroyd) can’t seem to find the career criminal file belonging to Garrett Morris. Transcript
Jaws IISummary: In this film spoof, the “cleverest species of them all” – the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) terrorizes young woman in their homes, luring them to the door by pretending to deliver flowers and Candygrams. Matt Hooper (John Belushi) and Sheriff Brody (Dan Aykroyd) survey the bodily damages. Recurring Characters: Land Shark, Matt Hooper, Sheriff Brody. Transcript
Esther Phillips performs “What a Difference a Day Makes”Bio: Esther Phillips (1935-1984). Soul songstress; covered songs from nearly every musical genre of the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase makes faces behind congresswoman Jane Curtin’s back as she delivers an editorial reply against federal aid to New York City. As a public service to viewers who have difficulty hearing, Garrett Morris, the headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, repeats the evening’s top story.
Long-DistanceSummary: As he makes a long-distance call to his mother, a gay man reminisces about the joy’s of dressing in her clothes. After all, it’s “the next best thing to being her.” Note: This ad parody angered The Gay Activists Alliance during its initial broadcast. It was edited out of a late-night classic rebroadcast on NBC in 2005, and replaced with a repeat of the Triopenin ad parody.
ChanelSummary: With her face leaning against the bottle, French actress Catherine Deneuve (Bergen) endorses the perfume that helps her cope with her own fame.
Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman enters as his Foreign Man character. He attempts to tell a joke, perform impressions, dance and sing, but he bombs so terribly that he wishes the cameras weren’t rolling. After breaking into a nervous crying fit, he plays the bongos to the audience’s delight. Transcript
InsecuritiesSummary: Candice Bergen and Gilda Radner discuss their insecurities, prior to introducing this week’s film by Albert Brooks.
NBC Super SeasonSummary: Albert Brooks gives us a look at some mid-season replacement shows waiting to be broadcast on NBC – the dramatic “Medical Season”, the wild comedy sex farce “The Three Of Us”, and the racially-tense “Black Vet.” Transcript
Midnight ProbeSummary: Candice Bergen interviews sadistic kiwi trappers Dennis X (Dan Aykroyd) & Anthony Q (John Belushi).
AttractiveSummary: Chevy Chase and girlfriend Jaqueline Carlin don’t need to use products to be attractive to one another. Note: This piece was edited out of a late-night classic rebroadcast on NBC in 2005. Transcript
Trans American AirlinesSummary: A sadistic gentleman (Michael O’Donoghue) crank calls the receptionist (Laraine Newman) for Trans American Airlines. Transcript
The MuppetsSummary: The Glig population is down to its last two, so Scred (Jerry Nelson) & Ploobis (Jim Henson) seek the advice of the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz) for a solution.
Practical JokesSummary: Reporting from a third world country, Candice Bergen plays practical jokes on its leader (John Belushi) during a controversial interview.
Black PerspectiveSummary: Garrett Morris interviews Jane Curtin, a white woman who passes herself off as am expert black female authoress. Transcript
PongSummary: With only the Pong game screen in view as they play, Al Franken and Tom Davis discuss bringing the Al’s girlfriend home to meet his parents for Thanksgiving.
Esther Phillips performs “I Can Stand a Little Rain”Lyrics
GoodnightsNote: The cast joins the host on the stage for the Goodnights for the first time, a tradition that would last throughout the show’s run. Transcript
Air Date:
Summary: As Candice Bergen, SNL’s first woman host, tells the audience about tonight’s great show, a bee (John Belushi) appears on stage and grabs her hand. Chevy Chase approaches to swat the bee with a 
Bio: Esther Phillips (1935-1984). Soul songstress; covered songs from nearly every musical genre of the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s.
Summary: Chevy Chase makes faces behind congresswoman Jane Curtin’s back as she delivers an editorial reply against federal aid to New York City. As a public service to viewers who have difficulty hearing, Garrett Morris, the headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, repeats the evening’s top story.
Summary: As he makes a long-distance call to his mother, a gay man reminisces about the joy’s of dressing in her clothes. After all, it’s “the next best thing to being her.”
Summary: With her face leaning against the bottle, French actress Catherine Deneuve (Bergen) endorses the perfume that helps her cope with her own fame.
Summary: Andy Kaufman enters as his Foreign Man character. He attempts to tell a joke, perform impressions, dance and sing, but he bombs so terribly that he wishes the cameras weren’t rolling. After breaking into a nervous crying fit, he plays the bongos to the audience’s delight.
Summary: Candice Bergen and Gilda Radner discuss their insecurities, prior to introducing this week’s film by Albert Brooks.
Summary: Candice Bergen interviews sadistic kiwi trappers Dennis X (Dan Aykroyd) & Anthony Q (John Belushi).
Summary: The Glig population is down to its last two, so Scred (Jerry Nelson) & Ploobis (Jim Henson) seek the advice of the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz) for a solution.
Summary: Reporting from a third world country, Candice Bergen plays practical jokes on its leader (John Belushi) during a controversial interview.
Summary: With only the Pong game screen in view as they play, Al Franken and Tom Davis discuss bringing the Al’s girlfriend home to meet his parents for Thanksgiving.