Nurse…..Jane Curtin Mr. Featherstone…..Chevy Chase
[ open on Nurse wheeling Mr. Featherstone into a lightly decorated room ]
Nurse: I’ll check in on you later, Mr. Featherstone. [ she exits ]
Mr. Featherstone: Thank you, Karen.
[ Mr. Featherstone places a cigarette in his mouth, then reaches for his lighter, which accidentally drops and bounces across the floor. He looks around for his nurse, with hopes of retrieving his lighter, but she’s nowhere to be found. With no other recourse, Mr. Featherstone rises from his wheelchair, walks across the floor, picks up his lighter, then casually returns to his position in his wheelchair. ]
[ Mr. Featherstone lights his cigarette, then suddenly realizes that he just walked. Confused, yet curious, he decides to try his luck again and tosses the lighter across the floor. Mr. Featherstone then steps out of his wheelchair and promptly falls flat on his face. ]
Mr. Featherstone: [ looks up at the camera and yells: ] “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
Rob Reiner: And now, a new feature on “Saturday Night”, “What Gilda Ate. Gilda?
Gilda Radner: Thanks, Rob. Okay, I started the day with one piece of dry toast and two egg whites scrambled in a no-stick Teflon pan; and then I had a little piece of chicken from some leftover Chinese food that I had in the refrigerator, and one breaded sweet-and-sour shrimp, but I picked all the breading off. And then, at lunch, I had a half of a club sandwich, but I took out the middle piece of bread and I left the crust, but I traded the other half for a half of Western omelette with cheese; and then I finished before everyone else, so I had a roll with butter and three french fries off of somebody else’s plate, and a Tab. But I didn’t order dessert. But on the way back to the office, I had a Fig Newton and an Almond Joy candy bar. And then, when I got back to the office, I told everyone I was going to the bathroom, but I really went to a coffee shop and had Apple Pie a la Mode, and I ate the whole thing. And on the way back up, in the elevator, I found a Milk Dud covered in tobacco at the bottom of my pure, and I ate it. And, then on the way back to work, I went to the drugstore and bought an M&M Peanut Munch Bar..
Rob Reiner: [ finally interrupts ] Thank you very much, Gilda, that’s enough!
Gilda Radner: But I’m not finished yet..
Rob Reiner: I know, but we have to go on with the show, I’m sorry.
Gilda Radner: Oh.. [ shrugs ] I’ll just go get a snack.. [ exits stage ]
[FADE IN on Chevy Chase sitting at the anchor desk and talking on the telephone.]
Don Pardo: From Saturday Night News Headquarters, this is Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: Are you udner the covers right now? [ smiles ] Did you shower? [ smiles again, notices the camera, then quickly hangs up the phone and begins with a falsetto ] Good evening — [ clears his throat ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase.
The top story is, of course, the good news that President Ford is over that week-long bout with that stubborn cold. White huose physicians say that, after a mild cold of that sort, it will take the President a few days to recover his motor skills fully, citing the period after his last cold when he tied his shoe to his hair blower and inadvertently pardoned Richard Nixon.
[ show slide of George Wallace ] On the campaign trail, Gov. George Wallace expressed disappointment that the Pope would not grant him an audience. The Vatican has stated the Pope simply did not know who Wallace was, pointing out that handicapped people are always knocking on his door.
Starting a speaking tour this week, former governor Ronald Reagan spoke out against marijuana, abortion, the equal rights amendent, busing, and gun control legislation. When asked what he was for, Reagan replied, quote, “Hair dye,” unquote.
Reagan stated that, like Wallace, he was also considering campaigning in a wheelchair, saying, “It’s not for the sympathy I’d get, it just makes the race more fair.”
[ show slide of Evil Knieval jumping his motorcycle over a line of busses ] Kings, Island, Ohio — this afternoon, Evil Knieval successfully jumped his Harley-Davidson motorcycle over fourteen Greyhound busses. Evil will attempt to jump a Greyhound bus over Fred MacMurray and his entire family next week.
Sirhan Sirhan, convicted assassin, has changed his name to Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan. He gave no reason for, uh, this decision.
[ show slide of the exterior of the Blaine Hotel ]
Chevy Chase: Well, more trouble at the Blaine hotel, in midtown Manhattan, where three kidnappers have been holding a hostage for some twenty hours now. For an on-the-spot report, let’s go live to Laraine Newman at the Blaine Hotel. Laraine?
[ cut to a shot looking down a staircase to Laraine Newman standing outside of Room 1822 at the Blaine Hotel ]
Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the 18th Floor of the Blaine Hotel, where a group of terrorists calling themselves, strangely enough, simply, “Blowfish”, are holding several hostages. Inexplicably, they have insisted that famed television show announcer, Don Pardo, read off their list of ransom demands on national television.
[ the door slowly opens ]
Oh, the door to the room appears to be opening. Tell us what they want, Don Pardo. [ sticks her microphone into the crack of the door ]
Don Pardo V/O: Laraine! The kidnappers want to be transported on one of Gotham Choppers quiet and comfortable Executive Helicopters to Kennedy Airport! [ show product slide ] Gotham, for the lift of a lifetime! [ next product slide ] While at Kennedy, they’ll receive three complete sets of Trav-King Air-Mate modeled and carry-on luggage, Laraine! [ next product slide ] And they’ll fly on British Pacific Airways’ luxurious Sunfaster Funjet to Havana, Cuba, the Carribbean’s unchallenging island paradise! [ next product slide ] And, Laraine, they’ll board that jet on thirty square yards of Brasland Carpet, their choice of sixteen colors and patterns! [ next product slide ] And, while receiving asylum in Havana, the kidnappers will stay in the sumptious Imperial Suite in Havana’s lush Guevera Beach Hotel! [ next product slide ] And, they’ll be wearing these “Guido” Slacks — [ next product slide ] when they demand two millions’ worth of Remco pure, refined gold bullion, from First City Bankers National of Remco – gold processors for over FIFTY years! Laraine?
[ cut back to Laraine, who retrieves her microphone from the crack in the door ]
Laraine Newman: And that’s the way it is at the blaine Hotel. Back to you, Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: [ in front of “Still to Come” screen ] Still To Come: Earthquake: Friend or Foe, Switzerland Declares War on Itself, and Rudolph Hess Plans a Halloween Party.” After this filmed message.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Wrigley’s Gum, then back to Weekend Update ]
[ Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of “Saturday Night” stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhattan. A New York tradition for more than fifty years.
[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase ]
Chevy Chase: Acid indigestion in the news. The signing of a joint communique between Great Britain and Saudia Arabia was held up Wednesday, when Prime Minister Harold Wilson became sick to his stomach and threw up on the papers at the ceremony. [ slide shakes ] Referring to the incident later, the Prime Minister said, quote, [ makes throw-up noise ].
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing – Mr. Garrett Morris.
[ Garrett appears in an oval over Chevy’s right shoulder ]
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight —
Garrett Morris: [ cups his hands and yells ] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
Chevy Chase: President Ford is finally over that stubborn week-long cold.
Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD IS FINALLY OVER THAT STUBBORN WEEK-LONG COLD!!!
[ Garrett disappears ]
Chevy Chase: [ smiles ] Well, that’s the news tonight. I’m Chevy Chase. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Don Pardo: A message from the National Pancreas Association!
[FADE IN on Gilda Radner and John Belushi as a married couple in their living room. John has a long face, and Gilda stares at him with concern.]
Ed: You know, honey, I dont feel good.
Wife: Well, thats too bad, Ed. Did you ever think that it might be your pancreas?
Ed: Gee, honey. I must have unthinkingly ruled my pancreas out. Ill check on it first thing in the morning.
[FADE to a doctors office and SUPERIMPOSE the caption THE NEXT DAY. Dan Aykroyd, as the doctor, looks at a medical chart and shakes his head.]
Doctor: Im sorry, Ed. Your pancreas is on the fritz. You came to me just in time. Reminds me of a little joke. Knock, knock.
Ed: Whos there?
Doctor: [matter-of-factly] Eds pancreas.
Ed: Eds pancreas who?
Doctor: I dont know, Ed. But I know this: good glands dont grow on trees.
Ed: Yeah. I guess I havent done right by…
[dramatic pause]
Ed: My pancreas.
[FADE to Eds wife smiling sweetly and waiting for him to come in. SUPERIMPOSE the caption LATER THAT NIGHT as Ed enters the room and sits down on the couch.]
Wife: Geez, Ed, you look like a million bucks! How are you feeling?
Ed: Fit as a fiddle. A fiddle with a healthy pancreas. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
[They kiss once and both grin at the camera.]
[dissolve to art card: “Brought to you by your National Pancreas Association”]
[ dissolve onto audience, zoom in on smiling woman, with SUPER: “Has Been To Lee Radziwell’s House”]
Spokesman ….. George Coe Swimmer ….. Jacqueline Carlin Tennis Player ….. Chevy Chase
[ Fade in on a woman diving into a swimming pool. She swims across, emerges from thewater and addresses the camera ]
Swimmer: Right now, I’m having brain surgery.
[ Cut to an old woman cheerfully working in a garden ]
Gardener: Right now, I’m having a spinal fusion.
[ Cut to a tennis player about to serve the ball ]
Tennis Player: Right now, I’m having a vasectomy.
[ Cut to the commercial spokesman standing in front of a wood panel backdrop ]
Spokesman: “Impossible”, you say? Not with Golden Needles voodoo accupuncture,the amazing new scientific breakthrough that combines the ancient art of Chineseaccupuncture with the modern convenience of Haitian voodoo. If you’re like me, youjust don’t have time to make frequent visits to the doctor or lie around someexpensive hospital for weeks on end. But now, thanks to voodoo accupuncture,medical attention is as close as you’re mailbox. Simply jot your ailment down andsend it with check or money order to:
[ Cut to the Golden Needles address in black type on a yellow background:”GOLDEN NEEDLES DEPT. 22 PORT AU-PRINCE, HAITI” ]
Spokesman (voice): Golden Needles, department 22, Port Au-Prince, Haiti.
[ Cut back to the spokesman ]
Spokesman: And be sure to enclose a lock of your hair, a few fingernail parings,and a recent photo. On receipt of your letter, qualified native cultists will fashion…
[ The spokesman holds up a voodoo doll with feathers for hair ]
Spokesman: …a wax doll in your image, and then a skilled Chinese physicianwill stick healing pins into that doll…
[ The spokesman sticks a needle into the doll’s chest, then holds up a deadchicken in his other hand ]
Spokesman: …speeding instant relief to you! And all for just $39.95.
[ “JUST $39.95” flashes on screen ]
Spokesman: That’s right, just $39.95 for operations costing up to ten or fifteenthousand dollars. So if doctor bills are giving you a headache, try treating yourself theGolden Needles way.
[ Cut again to the address title card ]
Spokesman: That’s Golden Needles, department 22, Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.
[ A quick burst of native drumming, then a blow dart hits the center of the title card ]
Voiceover: In case of medical emergency, priority will be given to letters with theearliest postmark.
Ploobis…..Jim Henson Scred…..Jerry Nelson Peuta…..Alice Tweedy Wisss…..Richard Hunt Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz
[ As the sketch opens, Scred is massaging King Ploobis’ back. ]
Ploobis: Oh, yeah, yeah. A little to the left there, Scred. Oh, yeah! Yeah!
[ The moment is broken by an explosive entrance from Queen Peuta. ]
Peuta: Ploobis! Ploobis! Do you know what your son Wisss is doing?
Ploobis: What, has he locked himself in the bathroom with a magazine again?
Peuta: No! Your son Wisss is smoking… craters!
Ploobis: NO!
Peuta: Yes!
Ploobis: Not my son. Why, my son is a… he’s a…
Scred: A crater head!
Ploobis: A crater head! No, he is not! [ POW! Ploobis smacks Scred. ]
Scred: Oh, thank you.
Ploobis: My son is not a crater head.
Peuta: Yes, he is! Go look for yourself.
Ploobis: All right, I will!
[ Ploobis exits. Scred takes the opportunity to fondle Peuta’s moogies. ]
Scred: Cootchie cootchie coo!
Peuta: Ooh! Ha ha. Not now, sugar claws…
[ Cut to a plain of smoking craters. Wisss, Ploobis’ long-haired hippie son, is sniffing the smoke and blowing it out again through his long furry snout. ]
Wisss: On top of Old Smokey… [ blows out ] Aaaaaahhh!
[ Ploobis enters. ]
Ploobis: Hey, didn’t I ever tell you not to smoke that stuff?
Wisss: Hey, man… wow! Your aura’s really red!
Ploobis: Oooooh. Your aura’s gonna be black and blue in a minute, fella.
Wisss: Hey, lighten, up, Jack, lighten up.
Ploobis: Listen… all the evidence is not in, buster. That stuff there rots your brain.
Wisss: Oh, yeah?
Ploobis: Yeah!
Wisss: Oh, YEAH?
Ploobis: YEAH!
Wisss: … Yeah, what? [ Wisss scratches his head. ]
Ploobis: See that? It rots your brain! Now, what do you need that stuff for? Look at ME! I’m high on life!
Wisss: Yeah. [ He turns contemptuously and sniffs at the crater. ]
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred: Sire?
Ploobis: What.
Scred: Perhaps it would help if you spoke to your son in his own language.
Ploobis: Grrruhh. Good thinking, Scred. [ He approaches Wisss. ] Um… hey, listen, uh, uh — dude — uh… Big Daddy-o here wants you to ixnay with the crater smoke. Ya dig? Huh?
Wisss: Hey, man… don’t down me with those bad vibes, dad.
Ploobis: Grruh. C’mere, Scred. Listen. I can no longer talk to the lad. I want you to tell him that if he doesn’t stop smoking that stuff…
Scred: Mm hmm?
[ Ploobis grabs Scred’s nose. ]
Scred: OW!
Ploobis: I’m gonna do THIS to him.
[ Ploobis twists Scred’s head sideways, snapping some bones with a loud crunch. ]
Scred: Oh! Ow! I’m sure he’d hate that.
Ploobis: Yeah.
[ Scred tries to reposition his head as he approaches Wisss. ]
Scred: Uh… the boss says that if —
Wisss: Yeah? Well, you tell him that if he doesn’t split, I am gonna do this to him. Wisssssss…. [ He blows smoke from his nose into Scred’s face. ]
Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh, wooowwww… the colors!
Ploobis: Scred?
Scred: Hmm?
[ POW! ]
Scred: Oh, and the stars!
Ploobis: Grrruhhh. Maybe the Mighty Favog has got some good advice for me.
Wisss: Oh, never, man. Favog’s a cosmic turkey.
[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]
Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.
Scred: Yeah, ya got any munchies? Hee hee!
Ploobis: Will you shut up, Scred. Oh, omni-impotent one, I gotta problem.
Mighty Favog: AWRIGHT. IT’S GONNA COST YA.
Ploobis: Scred, put in the chickens there.
Scred: Hanh?
Ploobis: Put in the chickens!
Scred: Oh, yeah — hee hee hee! Chickens! Little birdy wirdies. Here ya go.
Mighty Favog: YEAH… [ There’s a splash, and a flushing sound as Favog smacks his lips and burps. ] AWRIGHT. WHAT’S YER PROBLEM?
Ploobis: My son Wisss… is a crater head.
Mighty Favog: MMMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND —
Ploobis: Yeah?
Mighty Favog: IS BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND. [ Favog sniffs the air. ]
Ploobis: Huh? [ Ploobis sniffs the air. ]
Scred: I could kill for some chocolate chip cookies!
[ open on exterior shot of two-story suburban house, as two movers walk up the concrete steps to the front door. Their van is parked in the foreground. ]
[ the movers ring the doorbell; housewive opens the door and lets them in ]
Announcer: You’re moving. Saying godbye to old friends. Looking forward to making new ones.
[ Housewife sentmimentally rubs her hand on a curio cabinet ]
Announcer: It’s not always easy to leave a place you love. We understand. That’s why we take good care of the things you care for most.
[ Mover enters room, where a man sits in a rocking chair. The mover carefully picks the man up and carries him across the room and to the front door. ]
Announcer: At Middle American Van Lines, we believe in doing things right.
[ the Mover carefully adjusts the length of the man before carrying him through the threshold of the door ]
Announcer: We treat everything that belongs to you, just as though it belonged to us.
[ another pair of movers carry a second down the stairs ]
Announcer: We give your most prized possessions the attention they deserve.
[ Mover throws a dropcloth over the Housewife, then carries her out of the room ]
[ cut to the action at the van – family members propped up against the side of the van, as the movers place them inside one at a time ]
Announcer: And we make sure your entire household reaches its destination in one piece.
[ the Movers close and lock the van doors, then the van drives away ]
Announcer: At Middle American Van Lines, we don’t move furniture —
[ close-up of sidewalk – a teddy bear that was left behind ]
[FADE IN on the caption DANGEROUS BUT INEPT against a blood-red background, then FADE to Jane Curtin on a talk show set with potted plants behind her. The caption lingers for a few seconds.]
Jane Curtin: Hi, Im Jane Curtin, and welcome to another edition of Dangerous but Inept. Our guest this week is Squeaky…
[CUT to Laraine Newman as Squeaky, decked in a flowing red dress and a red shawl around her head. She stares at the camera with a deranged look.]
Jane Curtin: Infamous for her alleged attempt on the Presidents life, and for her connection with the Manson family. Squeaky, welcome.
[Squeaky pulls a pistol out from under her dress and aims it at Janes stomach.]
Squeaky Fromme: Die, lackey pig!
[Squeaky pulls the trigger, but the gun snaps harmlessly. She glances down at it in dismay.]
Jane Curtin: [smoothly] One thing Im sure our viewers would be interested in knowing is just how you came to be called Squeaky. Is that a nickname Charlie gave you?
Squeaky Fromme: He isnt Charlie, hes the Holy Redeemer! Bourgeois hog-face. Meet your maker.
[Again, Squeaky points and shoots, but the trigger only clicks. She frowns and looks inside the chamber to see if its loaded.]
Jane Curtin: [nonplussed] Squeaky, you, uh, made an alleged attempt on the Presidents life in September…
Caller…..Dan Aykroyd Women Dancers…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Penny Marshall Men Dancers…..John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Garrett Morris, Michael ODonoghue
[FADE IN on a clean-shaven fiddler and a bald guitar player with glasses and a long beard. ZOOM OUT to show a country street set with the musicians and the caller standing in a wagon. He wears a black cowboy hat and a long dark suit with a skinny black tie. Eight dancers in old-fashioned dresses and western-style shirts swing arm-in-arm on the floor.]
Caller: Bow to your girlie, now, curtsy to your man, Step right up and grab her by the hand, Now, swing that gal in the fancy clothes, Circle round and pull her nose! [laughing maniacally] Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
[The men all grab the noses of their partners, who stare at them in shock.]
Caller: Grab hands, circle chain!
[The dancers all join hands and dance around in a circle.]
Caller: Granny doubles bourbon, preacher hits the gin, Sock it up to Johnny and kick him in the shin!
[He laughs again in delight as the women kick each man in the leg. John Belushi flips off his partner by flicking his hand under his chin.]
Caller: Promenade! All right! Promenade uptown, sultry hops, Wind up your dukes and belt her in the chops!
[The men all double up and punch the women as Dan cackles.]
Caller: Ladies, wheel on around and back to your place, Knock him to the ground, stomp on his face!
[Again, the caller chortles while the women push down the men and put feet in their faces.]
Caller: Gentlemen, on your feet now, aaaaaaaaaand… Gallivant right with the gal you like best, Step right up and rip her dress!
[Each man does exactly that. Laraine Newmans dress hangs open right above her breasts, while Jane Curtins slips off her left shoulder. Dan laughs like an axe murderer.]
Caller: Doe-see-doe, doe-see-doe! Doe-see-doe, fly higher and higher, Pull out your pistols and open fire!!
[All eight dancers stop, take pistols out of their pockets, and shoot each other. Every dancer goes down, but Chevy Chase staggers up to the wagon and shoots the caller, who is still laughing maniacally. The caller squeals once and crashes down in the wagon, and then Chevy also tumbles to the floor. CUT to a closeup of the musicians as they finish their song, smile, and bow to each other. FADE to black over applause.]
