[ open on close-up of Spokesman leaning forward in supermarket aisle ]
Spokesman: We have a cat food so good.. that you can’t tell it’s cat food! And we’re here in Fort Francis, Missouri to prove it! [ leans back to reveal two matching cookware dishes on a foldout table, as camera pulls wide ] Hi, I’m TV’s Ross Potter, at Mel’s Value King, for Felina Kitchens! We’ve prepared TWO identical casseroles. The only difference – the one was made with eighty-cents’ worth of expensive canned tuna; the other, with forty-cents’ worth of Felina Cat Food.
[ dissolve to Spokesman spooning out a sample of the first casserole for a passing housewife ]
Spokesman: Mrs. Fran Bartman, would you tell us which one you prefer? [ inserts the spooned sample into her mouth ]
Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ chewing ] It’s good.
Spokesman: And now, the other. [ spoons a sample of Felina and inserts it into her mouth ]
Mrs. Fran Bartman: Mmm.. this is better!
Spokesman: Tell me, how does this compare with your tuna casserole at home?
Mrs. Fran Bartman: It’s, uh.. CHUNKIER! And, uh.. CREAMIER! It — it has a higher tuna-to-noodle ratio!
Spokesman: Mrs. Bartman, would you servie this to your family at home?
Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ nods her head ] I would – I WILL! [ laughs ]
Spokesman: What would you say, Mrs. Bartman, if I told you that this casserole was made with the expensive tuna — [ points to the first casserole and removes a sleeve from its can, then points to the second casserole ] while this casserole — the one that you preferred — was made with Felina Cat Food.
[ Mrs. Bartman’s smile quickly turns to a disgusted scowl ]
Spokesman: [ holds up a can to the camera ] Felina Cat Food! So good, that your cat will be tempted to eat it with a fork!
[ Mrs. Bartman fidgets uncomfortably, as we fade ]
Rob Reiner: Ya know, thank you, you know during the break we just had, somebody came up to me and asked me if Sally Struthers was really my wife, a lot of people ask me that. It’s not true, my real wife is Senator Lowell Weiker. No, of course not. That’d be silly wouldn’t it? No, my real wife is a lady named Penny Marshall and she’s out there in California and I want to say hello, hi Penny, hello Tracy, ok, enough family stuff. Ok, on with the show. You know, over the past few years many people have become fashion concious and (continues, indistinct)
V.O: What Rob doesn’t know is that we’ve secretly flown his wife Penny to New York and she’s here in the studio right now.
(Penny walks out on stage, applause)
Rob Reiner: (overwhelmed) this is-this is amazing! I didn’t know you were coming!
Penny Marshall: Ya you did. Fashion show.
Rob Reiner: ya, right fashion show.
Penny Marshall: Now here’s our cast to demonstrate the most commonly made fashion mistakes.
(Gilda walks out wearing a bright orange shirt and pants with a straw hat on her head and her bra and underwear on the outside)
Penny Marshall: Heres Gilda in a Velour pantsuit, perfect for that mid-afternoon rendezvous. Can you spot Gilda’s fashion flaw?
Rob Reiner: Don’t wear your underwear on the outside. Or if you absolutly must-
(Gilda turns around revealing Thursday written across her underwear)
Rob Reiner: At least make sure you get the day right.
Penny Marshall: Thank you, Gilda.
(Laraine walks out wearing a sparkly white gown with plastic over it and a coat hanger in her mouth)
Penny Marshall: Here’s Laraine, looking her loveliest in this rhinestone-studded creation. Can you spot where Laraine slipped up?
Rob Reiner: In that last minute rush of getting ready for that big date, don’t forget to remove the cellophane and hanger from your freshly dry cleaned clothes.
Penny Marshall: Thank you Laraine.
(Garrett comes out in a grey suit with a chair duck taped to his back)
Penny Marshall: Here comes Garrett, the talk of the town in a smary, confidental, chalk-striped suit. Can you find what fashion law Garrett is breaking?
Rob Reiner: Don’t wear furniture. Have faith and a chair will be provided should you be required to sit.
Penny Marshall: Thank you, Garrett.
(Jane comes out wearing an olive green top, an orange skirt, and a giant hamster head over her head)
Penny Marshall: Here’s Jane, a wild and beguiling gypsy ready to set your heart aflame for if not for one fashion faux pas.
Rob Reiner: Jane is wearing a hamster head. Don’t wear hamster heads, you’ve got a face, lets see it.
Penny Marshall: Thank you, Jane.
(Dan comes out wearing a dark grey leisure suit over a yellow T shirt)
Penny Marshall: Oh look, here’s Danny in a double-knit leisure suit from Norman of Newark. Where has Danny missed the boat?
Rob Reiner: Danny is wearing a double-knit leisure suit from Norman of Newark. Don’t wear them, they make you look like a moron.
Penny Marshall: Thank you Danny.
(John comes out wearing a striped shirt and white shorts with a lobster attached to his eyebrows)
Penny Marshall: Here’s John, the beachcomber. A welcomed guest at any clam bake. Can you guess where John wiped out?
Rob Reiner: Don’t where lobsters on your eyebrows. It’s painful, it’s unattractive, and you won’t score any fashion points for being cruel to crustaceans.
Penny Marshall: Thank you John.
(Michael comes out wearing a fancy black tuzedo with a top hat and a cane)
Penny Marshall: And last but not least, here’s Michael, Mr. Sophistication himself in top hat and tails. Only, isn’t Michael wearing on tail too many?
(As Michael walks down the runway, you can see a long strand of toilet paper coming from the back of his pants)
Rob Reiner: Don’t get caught with a toilet paper tail. Toilet paper should be used and not worn. People might think you were doing it as a cheap joke.
Penny Marshall: Thank you Michael, and thank you too, weren’t they wonderful?
Rob Reiner: We’ll be right back after this filmed message.
[FADE IN on Chevy Chase standing in front of a black background. He wears a white shirt, black tie, and dark-rimmed nerdy glasses. SUPERIMPOSE the caption, A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE. Chevy speaks haltingly in a very nasal voice.]
Chevy Chase: In America today, certain oppressed minorities… [long pause, takes a deep breath] …are treated like second class citizens. All because of a harmless little affliction. I refer to saliva displacement difficulties, or, as we are sometimes called, droolers.
[Drool trickles out of Chevys mouth and dribbles down his chin. The audience chortles with laughter.]
Chevy Chase: We at the Droolers Anti-Defamation League are working to correct the negative image of droolers propagated by the media.
[Slobber spills all the way onto his shirt.]
Chevy Chase: For example, how many people know that many famous individuals throughout history–the great philosopher Spinoza, authoress Charlotte Bronte, and world leader Mahatma Gandhi–were actually droolers? Contemporary droolers include Don Pardo.
[Audience roars with laughter as Chevy continues drooling.]
Chevy Chase: There is no reason… why…
[Chevy struggles not to crack up along with the audience.]
Chevy Chase: [stumbling on words] There is no weason why a drooler cannot function as a useful, active member of society. Sealing envelopes, for example, are a small…
[Audience howls with laughter while spit continues to run down Chevys chin.]
Chevy Chase: Like everything else, drooling is a handicap. But it is a handicap that can be licked. Thank you.
Rob Reiner: — he just flew in from London — he’s a super rock star, he needs no introduction — ladies and gentlemen, here he is!
[ dissolve across the studio to Joe Cocker shaking himself in a manic manner as the band breaks into a bluesy version of “Get By With a Little Help From My Friends.” ]
Joe Cocker: [ singing ] “What would you do if I sang out of tune Would you stand up and walk out on me? Well, lend me your ear and I’ll – I’ll sing you a song I will try not to sing out of key, yeah.
Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends Well, most of all I wanna get high
Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)
Joe Cocker: You know I wanna get my friends
Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)
Joe Cocker: Oh oh oh, whoa yeah!
What do I do when my love is away?
Back-up Singers: (Does it worry you to be alone?)
Joe Cocker: No, no How do I feel at the end of the day?
Back-up Singers: (Are you sad ’cause you’re on your own?)
Joe Cocker: Oh whoa oh, baby, I
Back-up Singers: (Get by with a little help from my friends)
Joe Cocker: Oh, dontcha know I wanna get high
Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)
Joe Cocker: Whoa whoa whoa, I
Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)
[ Cocker chugs a can of beer back and lets it drip all over himself ]
Back-up Singers: (Do you need anybody – whoo!)
Joe Cocker: [ softly ] I just need someone to love
Back-up Singers: (Could it be anybody?)
Joe Cocker: All I need is someone, whoa oh oh oh, yeah! whoa oh oh oh, yeah!
Baby, I —
Back-up Singers: (Get by with a little help from my friends) (Get by with a little help from my friends)
[ Cocker stands up on one foot, performs a 720-degree spin and flips himself to the ground ]
Back-up Singers: (Get by with a little help from my friends) (Get by with a little help from my friends)
[ Cocker cradles himself on the ground, rocks back and forth, then falls off the apron onto the audience’s feet. He climbs back up, lies on his back, spins himself once, then chugs the beer again and spits it out with geyser-like proportions. ]
[FADE IN on Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall sitting at a restaurant table with a checkered tablecloth. Behind them, Chevy Chase plays a waiter who is giving a check to a man sitting alone.]
Penny Marshall: Its getting late. Id better get back. Tedll be wondering where I am.
Rob Reiner: [angrily] Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, its always Ted! What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Hes my husband.
Rob Reiner: Hes your husband in name only. YOU know it, and I know it!
Penny Marshall: Cant we discuss this like adults?
Rob Reiner: Oh, you mean like your parents? Who spent their entire married lives living as strangers?
Penny marshall: You sound like my brother Mark.
Rob Reiner: Mark, Mark, Mark, its always Mark! What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Honey, you knew when we started this could never last. [touches him under the chin] We both knew it.
Rob Reiner: [passionately grabs her hand] Oh, darling, marry me! Say yes!
Penny Marshall: Oh, please, please dont TORTURE me! You could never leave the kids. And Joyce… Joyce would die.
[Behind Rob and Penny, three Bees can be seen making their way down the stairs. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, in his red vest, escort Laraine Newman to a table and seat her genially.]
Rob Reiner: Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, its always Joyce! What about MY feelings?!
Penny Marshall: Besides, I could never leave Ted. Not now. Not since… the accident.
[In his bee costume, Tom Schiller enters from the right and starts playing the old standard Fascination on the violin. Another Bee accompanies him on guitar.]
Rob Reiner: He never even knew you existed! And now that hes in a coma, hell be even less interested!
Penny Marshall: He needs me.
Rob Reiner: He needs you? What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Youre bitter!
Rob Reiner: Sure, Im bitter! I have every right to be!
Penny Marshall: The man I fell in love with, the man Id trade my husband for, would have understood.
Rob Reiner: [overdramatically] Im sorry! I just cant help it!
[Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, and Michael ODonoghue, all in Bee attire, come down the steps in the rear of the set. Garrett is seated at the table to the right of Laraines. The musicians keep playing Fascination behind Rob and Penny.]
Penny Marshall: [over music] Maybe it isnt meant to be. Maybe were just two ships that pass in the night.
Rob Reiner: [looks at her in disbelief] Two ships that pass in the night?! I feel like Im in a B movie! [calls over to side] Waiter, check, please!
[On cue, John Belushi saunters smoothly up behind Rob, pivots toward him, and holds out a check tray with a slight flourish. Rob stares at him in disgust and suddenly stands up.]
Rob Reiner: All right, thats it! Thats it! Stop it! Hold the music. No, no, its ridiculous!
[The violinist and guitarist stop. Rob steps toward the audience.]
Rob Reiner: No, really, Im not going to go on with this thing, this is absolutely ridiculous. I, I was told when I came on the show that I would not have to work with the Bees. Now, now, this is, and here they are! I was told, No Bees when I signed on to this. [losing temper] Heres my BIG dramatic chance to do something, and they, they stick a whole stage full of BEES around me!! Now, now, you saw the first show, you saw with George Carlin, the Bees did not work! And then the second show, hosting, uh, with Paul Simon hosting, the bees were horrendous! Now, I dont have to–how many times do I have to SAY it?! [screaming] I DONT WANT THE DAMNED BEES!!!
[turns to Bees]
Rob Reiner: Now, do you understand, am I making myself clear? Youre ruining the show! Will you please leave the stage?!
[Penny Marshall takes Robs arm and tries to calm him down.]
Penny Marshall: [quietly] Robbie, Robbie, Robbie… you dont have to be so hard on the Bees. They just did it because they thought it would help the show.
Rob Reiner: [still furious] Theyre NOT helping the show! Theyre RUINING the show!! Honey, I dont need BEES! I dont NEED Bees! Im a major star! Im on the number one television show in America!
Penny Marshall: [protesting] Theyre only bees!!
Rob Reiner: [snaps petulantly] I dont want the BEES!
[John Belushi timidly steps up behind Rob.]
Rob Reiner: [whirling around] What is it?!
John Belushi: [ashamed] Im sorry if you think were ruining your show, Mr. Reiner. But, uh, see, you dont understand. We didnt ask to be Bees. You see, you, youve got Norman Lear and a first-rate writing staff. [gestures to Bees] But this is all they came up with for us.
[applause]
John Belushi: [passionately] Do you… do you think we LIKE THIS? No. No, Mr. Reiner. But we dont have any CHOICE.
[The other Bees clap heartily while Belushi walks toward them. Rob is sullen and silent for a moment.]
Rob Reiner: I dont know what to say. I feel terrible, but I…
Penny Marshall: I feel terrible.
[Belushi suddenly whirls back around and furiously points a finger in Reiners face.]
John Belushi: You see, were, were, were just like you WERE five years AGO, Mr. Hollywood, California, number-one-show BIG SHOT!!
[The violinist starts playing Battle Hymn of the Republic.]
John Belushi: Thats right! [gestures to others] Were–were just a bunch of actors looking for a break, thats all!
[The antennae on Belushis head bob slowly back and forth as he points in Reiners face and shouts.]
John Belushi: What do you want from US, Mr. ROB REINER?! Mr. STAR?! What did you expect? The STING?!
[The audience whoops in approval as Belushi raises a Black Power fist to the others, who return it as he walks backstage. Rob and Penny stand sheepishly still for a moment.]
Rob Reiner: [coughs nervously] I dont know what to say.
Penny Marshall: Well, I, for one, am totally embarrassed.
[walks away]
Rob Reiner: [very quietly] I feel terrible. I thought I made myself perfectly clear that I didnt want the Bees.
[Penny walks back to Rob and puts her arms around him.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 1: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: A Film By: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 25th, 1975 Rob Reiner None Penny Marshall Andy Kaufman The Lockers The Muppets Mark Hampton Denny Dillon Albert Brooks None Jacqueline Carlin Anne Beatts Tom Davis Al Franken Neil Levy Tom Schiller Alan Zweibel
Season 1: Order Now!The WheelchairSummary: An injured Mr. Featherstone (Chevy Chase) regains his ability to walk, then falls out of his wheelchair. Transcript
Montage
Rob Reiner’s MonologueSummary: Rob Reiner portrays a smarmy lounge singer. Bio: Rob Reiner (1947-). Actor; son of writer/comedian Carl Reiner; played liberal-minded Michael “Meathead” Stivic opposite Carroll O’Connor in TV’s “All In The Family”, 1971-78; often collaborates on projects with longtime friend, Billy Crystal; directed films include: “This is Spinal Tap” (1984), “Stand By Me” (1986), “When Harry Met Sally…” (1989); married to actor/director Penny Marshall, 1971-81.
PancreasSummary: Man (John Belushi) learns his pancreas is on the fritz. Transcript
Fashion ShowSummary: Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall host a showing of fashion mistakes. Bio: Penny Marshall (1942-). Actress/director; sister of TV producer Garry Marshall; played Oscar Madison’s secretary on “The Odd Couple”, 1971-75; co-starred with Cindy Williams in “Laverne & Shirley”, 1976-83; directed films include: “Big” (1988), “A League of Their Own” (1992); married to actor/director Rob Reiner, 1971-81. Cameos: 96i. Transcript
Golden NeedlesSummary: Spokesman (George Coe) pitches surgery-free healing that involves voodoo acupuncture. Transcript
Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman lip-syncs “Pop Goes The Weasel.”
Dangerous But IneptSummary: Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) tries to shoot Jane Curtin during interview. Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme. Transcript
Felina Cat FoodSummary: Test proves it’s different than regular tuna. Transcript
The LockersSummary: The Lockers dance around Studio 8H. Bio: Organized by Don Campbell, The Lockers consisted of Fred “Penguin” Berry (later of “What’s Happening!”), Bill “Slim the Robot” Washington, Leo “Fluky Luke” Williamson, Greg “Campbellock, Jr.” Pope, choreographer Toni Basil (“Easy Rider”) and Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quinones. The gimmick of their dance moves involved locking their bodies in comical poses during their performances.
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Kidnappers use Don Pardo to voice their demands from the Blaine Hotel. Garrett Morris, headmaster of the School for the Hard of Hearing, repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing. Transcript
Wrigley’s GumSummary: At a funeral, a priest (Tom Schiller) lets the deceased take the gum with him. Transcript
Joe CockerSummary: Joe Cocker (John Belushi) makes a surprise appearance to perform an extra spastic version of “With A Little Help From My Friends.” Transcript
Middle-American Van LinesSummary: Used to move people, not their possessions. Transcript
Hoe-DownSummary: A sadistic hoe-down caller (Dan Aykroyd) torments square dancersith his calls. Transcript
The MuppetsSummary: Ploobis discovers his son Wisss has been smoking craters. Transcript
Talent NightSummary: Mark Hampton & Denny Dillon as nuns emceeing talent night for their parish. Note: Denny Dillon will later be a cast member during SNL’s ill-fated 1980-81 season.
What Gilda AteSummary: Gilda Radner tells the audience everything she ate that day. Transcript
“Operation”Summary: Albert Brooks film shows a heart surgery. Note: Albert Brooks is a good friend of Rob Reiner’s, who helped rally in favor of airing Brooks’ short film on tonight’s episode. At thirteen minutes, the film had to be interrupted midway for a commercial break.
The BeesSummary: The Bees ruin Rob Reiner’s chance to do a dramatic scene with Penny Marshall. Recurring Characters: Bees. Transcript
Up Against the Wallpaper Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
… Jerry Rubin
[We hear Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind” as abearded Jerry Rubin steps in front of a wall coveredwith grafitti-patterned wallpaper and addresses thecamera.]
Jerry Rubin: The 1960s, a time of change, a time ofsharing, a time of growth. Hi, I’m former Yippieleader Jerry Rubin and I lived those years with you,burning draft cards, liberating the administrationbuilding, and, of course, scrawling revolutionaryslogans on the walls in spray paint. Now, the BerkeleyCollection has captured those colorful years, and thegrafitti that tells it like it was, on thesepre-trimmed, pre-pasted rolls of durabledecorator-approved wallpaper, perfect for your den orrecreation area. Join me in a protest march downMemory Lane with the pattern we call “The Dissident.”
[Rubin unrolls some wallpaper as we hear a protestchant (“The streets belong to the people! Smash thestate!” etc.) and dissolve to an image of the pattern:yellow grafitti on a red brick wall. Panning down, weread such slogans as: AVENGE ATTICA; SMASH THE STATE;Property is Theft; Hands Off Tim Leary; The streetsbelong to the people; WHITE PANTHERS; BRING THE BOYSHOME! (with BOYS crossed out and replaced by WAR);VIVA LA HUELGA!; BLACK POWER; BURN BABY BURN; STOP THETRIAL!; LEGALIZE ABORTION; Rome wasn’t destroyed in aday; S.D.S.; ON TO CHICAGO; OFF THE PIG!; STRIKE!;SUPPORT THE NLF; THE-RIGHT-TOO-BEAR-ARMS; DAYS OF RAGEOct 8-11; DEATH TO U.S. IMPERIALIST WARMONGERS, etc.Then, we dissolve back to Jerry Rubin.]
Jerry Rubin: Too heavy for you? I understand. Perhaps”The Peacemaker” is more your bag.
[Rubin unrolls another, mellower pattern of wallpaperas we hear people singing John Lennon’s “Give Peace aChance” and dissolve to an image of the pattern:orange paint on a green background. Panning down, weread such slogans as: Stop the Bombing; SNOOPY FORPRESIDENT; Stamp Out Pollution!; THE MAN CAN’T BUSTOUR MUSIC; BOYCOTT LETTUCE; HELL NO, WE WON’T GO; BURNPOT, NOT PEOPLE; FLOWER POWER; END THE WAR; RIGHT ON!;GIRLS SAY YES TO BOYS WHO SAY NO; POWER TO THE PEOPLE;VOTE WITH YOUR FEET; PEACE; GET OUT OF VIETNAM!; FRODOLIVES; DO YOUR OWN THING; change it or lose it; SPEEDKILLS; HELL, NO, WE WON’T GO!; IRISH POWER; TODAY ISTHE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE; DRAFT BEER,NOT STUDENTS; VOTE FOR PEACE; SOCK IT TO ME!; PEANUTBUTTER IS BETTER THAN POT; MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR; GIVEPEACE A CHANCE, etc. Then, we dissolve back to JerryRubin.]
Jerry Rubin: But no matter where your head is at,being free turns everyone on, right? That’s why wechose this fit-any-mood freedom motif for our bordersand trim. We call it “The Digger.”
[Rubin unrolls another, still mellower pattern ofwallpaper as we hear an instrumental version “BornFree” and dissolve to an image of the pattern: puce ona pink background. Panning across, we read suchslogans as: free Huey!; FREE FORT DIX 38; FREE ERIKAHUGGINS; FREE THE CATONSVILLE 9; FREE JOHN SINCLAIR;FREE THE BOSTON FIVE; free the seattle 7!; FREE DavidHilliard; FREE THE PANTHERS!; FREE BOBBY SEALE; FREELOVE; FREE ANGELA DAVIS; FREE THE MC 9; free themilwaukee 14; FREE THE CHICAGO 8 (with 8 crossed outand replaced by 7); FREE THE SEATTLE SEVEN, etc.
[Abruptly, some yellow paint splatters across the image.]
Jerry Rubin: Oops! No hassle! [A hand, clutching awhite rag reaches in and wipes off the mess easily.]This wallpaper is vinyl-acrylic-coated to make itscuff and stain resistant. Wipes clean with a dampcloth. [Dissolve back to Jerry Rubin] Isn’t this outof sight? So take it from me, Jerry Rubin, when I say,[raises his fist in a power salute] “Up against thewallpaper, [bleep]!”
Female Announcer: The Berkeley Collection by Chemstro.
…..Chevy Chase …..Marv Albert …..Paul Simon …..Connie Hawkins
[FADE IN on Chevy sitting at the anchor desk and talking on the telephone.]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: [softly] What are you talking about? I could see right through the fence. I could see… [He hangs up the phone and starts picking his nose. Chevy notices the camera, blinks, and shuffles his papers nervously.]
Chevy Chase: Good evening, Im Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on whats going down!
[CUT to the projection screen over Chevys shoulder. It shows a slide of a car with a smashed hood and policemen standing around it.]
President Fords regular weekly accident took place this week inHartford, Connecticut, where Fords Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground.
[CUT back to Chevy at desk from the front.]
No one was injured in the accident, but when the President got out tosee what had happened, he tore his jacket sleeve on the, uh… [checks script] …on the car bumper, bumped his head, and stuck his thumb in his right eye. Alert Secret Service agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground. [As the audience laughs, Chevy grins and pounds the desktop twice.]
Said Mr. Ford, quote: I just assumed my thumb was in my pocket withthe rest of my fingers. Concerning the collision, New Orleans district attorney Jim Garrison says he will immediately launch an investigation into the second car theory.
[applause]
Chevy Chase: In other news, Muhammad Ali today changed his name to Rhonda Fleming. He gave no reason for his decision.
But the big news on the sports scene is, of course, the one-on-one matchup with Connie Hawkins of the Atlanta Hawks, and Paul Simon, acoustic guitarist. For an on-the-spot report, lets go now to Marv Albert.
[CUT to a rather dimly lit gymnasium. A short guy can be seen shooting at the near end, and a tall guy at the other.]
Marv Albert: [off camera] I’m Marv Albert, and in just a moment: the one-on-one confrontation upcoming between The Hawk.
[CUT to a young Marv Albert wearing a powder blue plaid sports suit and talking into a clip-on microphone which he holds in his hand.]
Marv Albert: Connie Hawkins, one-time Harlem Globetrotter, one of the most exciting players in the NBA, as a member of the Atlanta Hawks. And The Hawk will be opposed by Paul Simon.
[CUT to Paul nodding and smiling.]
Marv Albert: Paul, of course, known as a songwriter… as a singer. Why this one-on-one competition?
Paul Simon: Well, the challenge, the challenge came from from Connie. I don?t know why he… why he chose me, uh… but I got the message through my office, uh… but he did challenge me to one-on-one. I’m ready, ready to play. I’m here. I’m ready to go.
[CUT to The Hawk dribbling toward the basket and leaping for a soft dunk.]
Marv Albert: I notice, I’m looking at your uniform, the number “decimal point 02.” Any particular significance to that?
Paul Simon: No, that’s always been my number… ever since junior high school. It’s not Connie’s number, I don’t think there’ll be any confusion between us.
[CUT to Connie Hawkins taking warmup shots, then back to Paul and Marv.]
Marv Albert: Paul, what is your game plan for the Hawk?
Paul Simon: Well, Im spotting him a 1-foot 4-inch height advantage. I have to be honest, thats gonna be a factor in this game. Hes got me on speed and shooting ability.
[CUT to Hawkins making a reverse layup under the basket.]
Paul Simon: Uh, but Ill just have to play my game, as I usually play it. I mean, Im not gonna change anything, Ive gotta stay with my strengths… basically, singing and songwriting.
[CUT to Connie Hawkins, a tall, bearded, black player in a purple jersey, as he walks toward the camera. Paul can be seen taking warmup shots in the background while Hawkins talks with Marv.]
Marv Albert: Okay, heres the Hawk. Connie, welcome. Connie, uh, Im trying to figure out, why this one-on-one matchup? Of course, we know your skills on the basketball court, but, uh, all Paul Simon is known for is, uh, Bridge over Troubled Waters [sic].
Connie Hawkins: Well, actually, uh, Im probably known as one of the best 1-on-1 basketball players in the schoolyard, and, uh… I found out through the grapevine that hes probably one of the best basketball players in the schoolyard, and I challenged him to see whos the best.
Marv Albert: Any particular strategy that you have planned?
Connie Hawkins: Well, I understand that hes really not that heavy, and hes not that, uh, strong, and hes probably short, but I think has a lot of savvy and a lot of hutzpah.
Marv Albert: Is there a chance that Paul might get hurt out here on the basketball court?
Connie Hawkins: [evenly] Yes.
Marv Albert: Connie, we wish you the best of luck in this one-on-one confrontation. [to camera] And in just a moment, the opening tap between the Hawk, Connie Hawkins, and Paul Simon.
[The opening notes to Paul Simons song Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard play in the background as Connie and Paul stand at center court for the tip-off. The referee tosses the ball up, and Hawkins easily controls it a good two feet above Simons upraised hand. Hawkins steps back and attempts an easy shot from the top of the key, but it falls no good. The song continues in the background, and Paul, wearing a white jersey with 02 on the front and SIMON on the back, grabs the rebound in the left corner. He dribbles in front of Connie, who is obviously making little or no attempt on defense. Paul puts up a sky hook shot which soars almost above the top of the backboard and somehow drops in. The ref signals the shot, and the audience roars in approval as the scoreboard hows Simon ahead 2-0. CUT to shots of Paul Simon draining three straight layups; Hawkins just about gets a hand on the last one, but it goes in. Then Simon throws up a high, arcing shot from the top of the key, and gets nothing but net. CUT to Hawkins dribbling at the free-throw line; Simon steals it easily from him, and puts up another shot which falls in to give him 12 points on the board.
While Me and Julio continues to play, CUT to Simon far underneath the basket as he tries to bank one off the glass. Connie Hawkins terribly misses a block, and the shot is no good. Hawkins disappears while Simon tries the same shot and misses again. When he gets the rebound, Hawkins leaps back in and goes up for the block, but Simon waits until hes flown past, then tosses it back up, and the shot goes in. CUT to slow-motion footage of Hawkins dribbling past Simon toward the basket. Simon makes a hopeless attempt at defense and appears to foul Hawkins on the back, but Connie launches toward what appears to be a sure finger roll. The ball bounces twice inside the rim and falls out. CUT to Simon sinking another jump shot with Hawkins standing several feet away. Connie is seen dribbling in the backcourt while Paul flails his arms toward him. Connie drives to the basket, with Paul keeping up a decent fight, and misses yet another layup.
On Pauls next possession, Connie goes for the steal and grabs Simons forearm; they pretend to get tangled up, and Connie just about rides Simon for a couple of seconds until Simon goes sprawling to the floor. He lies motionless for a long moment, then jumps to his feet just as the song goes, Whoa! SUPERIMPOSE the caption HES NOT HURT as the audience laughs and Simon leaps and laughs. CUT to a quick shot of Connie Hawkins grinning, and then Paul tries to dribble past him for another shot. Connie sticks out a hand, and the shot bounces wide. CUT to the ref signaling a pushing foul. Connie dribbles gingerly in front of Paul on his next possession, and then drives smoothly past him and hits a reverse dunk. The scoreboard shows two points for Hawkins. CUT to slo-mo footage as Paul is seen dribbling in the lane until Hawkins knocks the ball loose, and it rolls toward the far side of the court while they go scrambling for it. Paul somehow gets there first, drops to the floor, and grabs the ball while Connie sprawls along the sidecourt. With the song winding down, Paul dribbles toward the basket with Hawkins a few steps behind. When Paul stops to set for the shot, he crouches down as low as he can, and Hawkins jumps right over his head and lands on the other side. Paul straightens and dishes it easily off the glass to put it in. SUPERIMPOSE the caption WINNING POINT as the audience applauds.]
[FADE to Marv and Paul standing at courtside. Paul wears a white towel around his neck and waves to an imaginary crowd.]
Marv Albert: Paul, incredible upset. What happened? How’d you do it?
Paul Simon: [catches breath] Well, uh… First of all… [pause] When my outside shot is on, it’s on, it’s really on, and, uh… [laughter] I had a good day today. I put in a couple of quick early shots, I think he gave me room that he, he shouldn’t have given me room, he should’ve pressed me, he should’ve played a baseline game. Uh… [pause] A lot of luck went my way, y’know. I thought he played beautiful ball. He was much, he was much tougher and taller than I thought. A one-foot-four is really a lot, it’s really a lot to go against, and, uh, I’m about worn out now.
Marv Albert: Did his physical intimidation bother you at all?
Paul Simon: Uh, towards the end of the game, I started to feel it in my legs… physically intimidating my legs.
Marv Albert: What happens from here for Paul Simon?
Paul Simon: Well, I’ll be goin’ on the road, Howard.
Marv Albert: [whispers into mike] Marv. Marv Albert.
Paul Simon: Marv, I’m gonna go out on the road from here. Probably do some concerts, I’ll try to get back into music a little bit now. Uh, write some songs, and, uh… This is not gonna be a regular thing with me, I, I don’t suppose, unless somebody wants to come up and challenge me again. And if they do, if the schedule permits, I’ll be doin’ it. I’ll be here, I’ll be ready.
Marv Albert: Paul, congratulations. Incredible upset.
Paul Simon: Thanks.
[FADE OUT just as they shake hands, and then FADE to Connie and Paul walking together off the court; Paul pats Connie at the base of his back, while Connie reaches down and pats Paul on the shoulder. FADE to black.]
[FADE IN on an announcer walking through a narrow grassy meadow at night. It is summer, and the trees are in leaf.]
Announcer: Were here at International Falls, Minnesota, where we purposely left the pacemakers of these five geriatrics on all night, just to prove that the Try Hard 1-11 Battery can withstand even the most adverse conditons.
[PAN along a row of five elderly people who are standing in front of the trees. FADE to the same scene in the morning, where the five people are all standing in the same places. Two of the elderly people are leaning wearily on each other, and two others are standing up but looking very droopy. Birds are heard merrily chirping in the background.]
Announcer: The next morning, all geriatrics have trouble getting started, but not the one with the 1-11. [The white-haired gentleman in the middle, who wears a gold shirt and large, dark-rimmed glasses, looks peppy and waves jauntily to the camera.]
Announcer: The Try Hard 1-11. Picks up where your heart left off.
[FADE OUT on a closeup of the battery with a caption of the slogan. The happy geriatric is seen waving out of focus in the background.]
Ploobis…..Jim Henson Scred…..Jerry Nelson Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the land of Gorch!
[ Ploobis groans as he looks through a pile of moldy papers. ]
Scred: More bills, your thoughtlessness!
Ploobis: Bills, bills, bills! What’s the use? We’re never gonna be able to pay ’em.
Scred: Awww, what’s the matter, privy breath?
Ploobis: Scred… our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default.
Scred: No, it’s not, it’s on the edge of Scabland! There’s the border, right over there!
Ploobis: You idiot! [ POW! Ploobis cuffs Scred in the head. ]
Scred: Oooh!
Ploobis: We’re on the brink of default!
Scred: Well, what does that mean?
Ploobis: It means we can’t pay our bills. It means the garbage man will no longer be able to deliver the garbage.
Scred: Oh… How will we feed the rats?
Ploobis: What we need, Scred, is fiscal assistance!
Scred: Oh — that sounds painful!
Ploobis: Scred! [ POW! ] You’re no help.
Scred: I’m just trying to help, your annoyance… but, ya know, usually when we need help, we ask… you know who.
Ploobis: Oh, yeah! The Mighty Favog!
[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]
Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT’S MY NAME, WISDOM’S MY GAME.
Ploobis: Mighty Favog — we have come to seek fiscal assistance!
Mighty Favog: OOOH. THAT SOUNDS PAINFUL.
Scred: That’s what I said!
Ploobis: Will you shut UP! [ POW! ] Oh, Mighty Favog —
Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME!
Ploobis: Our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default!
Mighty Favog: NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF SCABLAND. SEE THE BORDER OVER THERE?
Scred: See! I told ya!
Ploobis: Shut up, Scred. [ POW! ]
Scred: Ow ow ow ow ow!
Ploobis: Listen, Favog — Gorch is broke. We can’t pay our bills, and we need your help.
Mighty Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.
Ploobis: But we’re broke. I mean, I got nothing to sacrifice.
Mighty Favog: WELL, WHAT ABOUT YER FRIEND THERE?
Ploobis: He’s got nothing either.
Scred: That’s right!
Mighty Favog: NO, NO, I MEAN — I’LL TAKE HIM!
[ Scred shudders. ]
Ploobis: Oh… yeah!
Scred: No! No, no! Not old Scred! Oh, no!
Mighty Favog: YEAH, YEAH…
Scred: No, if I go… who’ll torture the birds?
[ Ploobis picks Scred up and tosses him into the sacrificial well. ]
Ploobis: Get in there.
Mighty Favog: YEAH, RIGHT IN THERE.
Scred: Oh, no! No, not old Scred! Nooooooo…
[ Scred falls in with a splash. There’s a flushing sound, and The Mighty Favog smacks his lips. ]
Mighty Favog: HE DON’T GO DOWN EASY.
Ploobis: Listen, Favog — now, how can you help Gorch?
Mighty Favog: GORCH IS BETTER OFF ALREADY.
Ploobis: How come?
Mighty Favog: YA GOT ONE LESS MOUTH TA FEED.
Ploobis: Oh, yeah…
Mighty Favog: YA WANT SOME MORE HELP? BRING SOME MORE FRIENDS!
Air Date:
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Summary: Rob Reiner portrays a smarmy lounge singer.
Summary: Man (John Belushi) learns his pancreas is on the fritz.
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Summary: Andy Kaufman lip-syncs “Pop Goes The Weasel.”
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Summary: Used to move people, not their possessions.
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Summary: Ploobis discovers his son Wisss has been smoking craters.
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Summary: Gilda Radner tells the audience everything she ate that day.
Summary: Albert Brooks film shows a heart surgery.
