Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16

13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Louis C.K.’s Monologue

…..Louis C.K.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.!

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to.

I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [ mimicking ] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!”

I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good.

I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.”

I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they;re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [ the audience claps wildly ] You think you’re to Heaven?

Girl: Yes.

Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you?

Girl: 21.

Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck!

Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but…

I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen “Twelve Years a Slave” yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!”

I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trum of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re prsying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house.

It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot!

The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing.

But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!!

We have a GREAT show — Sam Smith is here! Stick around! WE’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16

13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Goodnights

…..Louis C.K.

Louis C.K.: How good was Sam Smith, everybody? I want to thank Lorne for bringing me back. I had a wonderful week. I want to thank everybody on the floor here — Jenna and Wally and everybody — Phil, who lights this place this place so beautifully. This is a great group, and how about this cast? What a great cast! The writers — They’re working hard, and they made a great show and I’m very grateful to be here. Uh — Thank you very much, everybody, for being here, also. Good night, thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16

13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Chris for President

Chris Fitzpatrick…..Kyle Mooney

[ open to choppy video of Chris Fitzpatrick at high school ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: What’s up, everybody? I’m Chris Fitzpatrick, and I’m running for ASB Class President.

[ cut to animated title card ]

[ random shot of Chris jumping ]

[ random shot of car crash ]

[ random shot of Chris lunging toward the camera ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch. All I ever hear is rap music and that bubblegum boy-band crap like Christina Crapulera. If I’m elected President, I’m gonna play good-ass music: Subverted Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, all those bands. Plus, I know some of those guys in the band, so I can probably get them to play our school.

[ random shot of soldiers marching ]

[ random shot of riot fire ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Just because you get good grades doesn’t mean you’re smart. I’m actually really smart, but I don’t do good at tests and pop quizzes ’cause I have concentration issues.

[ over graphics ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: When I was in middle school, I wrote 28 poems. But now, since I’m in high school, I’ve written over 60. I want to put together a collection of my poems, and then I want to sell them to everybody. But if you vote for me, you get a discount.

[ random shot of guy in death mask ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: We need more clubs. Maybe a movie club, where we watch actually good movies like “Lock, Stock and Kids”, stuff like that. Or maybe a guitar based drum club, or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.

[ random Getty Images footage of police chase ]

[ randm shot of Chris sticking his tongue out ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: My girlfriend Allie doesn’t go to our school, ’cause she lives in a different zoning area than Kentwood. But if you elect me President, Allie’s allowed to go to our school.

[ random shots of Chris jumping a railing and trying to climb a fence ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Vending machines. We need MORE of ’em! Hell, if I’m President, I’ll even spke the water fountain with vodka.

[ random Gettys Image of a police arrest ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: A little bit about me: I have a dog at home — He’s a part GErman shephard, and his name is Sammy. I don’t like extra stuff on my hamburgers, just plain, no vegetables or pickles. I’m a simple guy. I also lost my virginity at 16, but had done other stuff before that. I’m friends with Blacks, Asians and Mexicans. I don’t see color when I look at a person, but no offense, whites make the best music.

[ random shot of Chris hopping down stadium steps ]

[ random shot of Chris smoking a cigarette ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: So vote for me as ASB Class President. And don’t vote Daniel Nguyen, ’cause he’s never even smoked a cigarette.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 29th, 2014

Louis C.K.

Sam Smith

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Healthcare.gov MeetingSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) relunctantly poses with recent social media tropes in a last-minute attempt to promote his healthcare plan.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber.

Montage

Louis C.K.’s MonologueSummary: Louis C.K. performs observational stand-up about the existence of God and heaven, women, and wifebeater t-shirts.

Transcript

Black JeopardySummary: White contestant (Louis C.K.) doesn’t stand a chance against the vague, correct answers given by his opponents (Jay Pharoah, Sasheer Zamata).

Baby Boss Summary: Baby boss Richard Patterson’s (Beck Bennett) takes it hard when his favorite company vice-president (Louis C.K.) announces his plans to relocate to a new job.

Recurring Characters: Richard Patterson.

Jos. A BanksSummary: Mom (Vanessa Bayer) uses “Buy 1 Get 3 Free” suits from Jos. A. Banks to clean her family’s messiest spills.

Sam Smith performs “Stay With Me”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Sports correspondent Steven A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) rambles through his NCAA picks.

Recurring Characters: Steven A. Smith.

Mr. Big StuffSummary:

Darth Vader Action FigureSummary: Patient (Louis C.K.) insists that his doctor (Mike O’Brien) check his butt for any Darth Vader action figures that shouldn’t be there.

Private EyesSummary: Detective Brock (Louis C.K.) tries to persuade his partner (Vanessa Bayer) to cut holes in her pajamas and make love to him.

Dyke & FatsSummary: 1970’s tough-broad TV cops Dyke (Kate McKinnon) and Fats (Aidy Bryant) won’t allow anyone else to call them by their nicknames.

Sam Smith performs “Lay Me Down”

Chris for PresidentSummary: Slacker Chris Fitzpatrick (Kyle Mooney) is running for Class President and is ready to acto way cool in order to get the job.

Transcript

Romantic SpeechSummary: Dave (Louis C.K.) makes a passioned plea for his ex-girlfriend (Aidy Bryant) to take him back.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts