Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1


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13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
…..Tina Fey
Bruce Chandling….Kyle Mooney
Drunk Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
Meth-Nephew…..Aaron Paul

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: Welcome, Cecily!

[ Audience applauds ]

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[ cut to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Texas senator Ted Cruz this week gave a 21 hour speech on the floor of the Senate, during which he read Dr. Seuss’s ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I’m not sure what Cruz’s speech was arguing for but I’m guessing legalizing weed?

Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment on October 1st. ‘Cause you know the old saying: if you can’t beat ‘em, kick the ball into the woods.

Cecily Strong: In an interview this week, Iran’s new president Hassan Rouhani distanced himself from his predecessor Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and acknowledged that the Holocaust was real. Which I believe is the very definition of “the least you could do.”

This Sunday, AMC will air the series finale of Breaking Bad. There’s been a lot of speculation about who will survive and who won’t, but I don’t like your chances, Low Winter Sun.

[ cut to Cecily and Seth ]

Cecily Strong: Seth, I’m sorry, before we go on, can I- I’d just like to take a moment to say something, if I may.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, by all means.

Cecily Strong: OK, um, thank you. Thank you so much. I just want to take this opportunity to acknowledge and thank all of the women who’ve come to the Update desk before me, and paved the way for me to be here tonight. Um…

[ Tina Fey rolls in on a chair from the right ]

[ Audience cheers ]

Cecily Strong: I mean, women like Jane Curtin…

Tina Fey: Oops, okay, going chronologically.

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Cecily Strong: … Who proved every bit as funny and as strong as Dan Aykroyd. You know, as well as the power house female anchors of the modern Weekend Update era…

[ Tina rolls into frame again ]

Cecily Strong: …Amy Poehler!

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Cecily Strong: And of course, Tina Fey!

[ Tina rolls into frame ]

Tina Fey: Aah, thank you. Thank you. Cecily, you’re gonna be great. Would you mind if I gave you a couple little pieces of advice, though.

Cecily Strong: I would love it.

Tina Fey: Okay, great. Here’s what it is: you keep your head down, you do your time. On the first day, you go up to the biggest guy in the yard and punch him in the face. All right, let’s see… Don’t mess with Texas. Keep your feet on the ground. Keep reaching for the stars. Believe in your nightmares. You see this man here? [ points to Seth ] This man don’t own you. You do you. You in charge. Say it.

Cecily Strong: (weakly) I’m in charge.

Tina Fey: Say it like you mean it!

Cecily Strong: (slighty less weakly) I’m in charge.

Tina Fey: That’s good, that’s real good, okay. I’m gonna give you my phone number. DO NOT call me. Alright and you- [ turns to Seth ] you be good to her, alright. Treat her good.

Seth Meyers: I am being very nice.

Tina Fey: Yeah, okay, ‘cause I will be watching. [ whispers to Cecily ] I will not be watching.

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Tina Fey: Byeee!

Seth Meyers: Tina Fey, everybody!

Geraldo Rivera, who is being sued by talent agency William Morris for failing to pay them said that he will fight them to the death. Said Rivera, “Think about it, why would I owe money to a talent agency?

Amazon this week unveiled a new Kindle Fire that has a Mayday Button that immediately connects users to customer support. Meanwhile, Barnes & Noble unveiled a new “Nook” that automatically throws itself in the garbage.

Cecily Strong: A new study suggests that eating a lot of fish may not actually make people smarter. And that makes sense when you consider which one of your friends is constantly saying, (mimics obnoxious drunk girl) “We should get sushi!”

A 99-year-old woman in Iowa, who was one credit short when she dropped out of high school more than 80 years ago, was this week given an honorary degree. And, in an act of sheer optimism, she’s checking out colleges.

Seth Meyers: Officials have reported that a new Russian drug is appearing in the US called “Crocodill”, which is a mixture of codeine and paint thinner that could rot away a person’s skin. You may know it by its street name, “Red Bull.”

A filmmaker is claiming that a sheet of music used by the Nazis may actually contain a hidden code for the location of a buried treasure. You know, say what you will about the Nazis but they really knew how to set up an adventure.

Cecily Strong: James Watson, one of the scientists who discovered the Double Helix Structure of DNA, said this week that the best way to avoid passing on genes for mental illness is to have children very early. So now, if somebody criticizes you for being a pregnant teen, you can say, “A genius told me to do it.”

Seth Meyers: This Tuesday, Iran’s new president Hassan Rouhani travelled to New York to make his first speech to the UN General Assembly. Here with his take on the historic speech is veteran stand-up comic Bruce Chandling.

[ Bruce Chandling, a guy with a back slick in a leather jacket, rolls in from the left ]

[ SUPER: Bruce Chandling, Stand-Up Comic ]

Bruce Chandling: Thank you so much, Seth! It’s so great to be here, really, really great to be here.

Seth Meyers: So tell us, how’s it going, Bruce?

Bruce Chandling: Well, I just got back from LA, you know. Los Angeles, the City of Dreams. Or as I like to say: Los Angeles, the City of Dreaming I Could Spend Less than Two Hundred Dollars on a Decent Cup of Joe.

[ He stares at the audience with a satisfied look on his face ]

Seth Meyers: That, uh… well, that’s great. Why don’t we talk Iran. So what did you think of President Rouhani’s speech at the UN?

Bruce Chandling: Oh, the big UN speech. It’s classic New York, isn’t it? You know what I love about New York? You have any idea? Any idea? The pizza. Extra greasy, extra sausage, pepperoni. Now, you go to LA, it’s a little different, you know. The pizza’s all vegan, you know, gluten-free, shaped like an octagon. It comes with a side of a Hacky Sack and a woman who hasn’t shaved her armpits.

[ He stares at the audience in the same way ]

Seth Meyers: Uh… well, that’s great, so… Do you think President Rouhani’s speech will have the kind of impact he’d hoped?

Bruce Chandling: Oh, yeah, it’s not easy to do what he did, it really isn’t, you know. Getting up in front of people. Of course, now I’m doing the acting thing in LA. Gotta drive to all these auditions, you know, and go East Side to West Side, North Side to South Side. By the end of the day I end up cross-eyed.

[ Stares at audience ]

Bruce Chandling: But, uh… It ain’t an easy profession. Gotta… gotta get used to people saying no a lot. It just means that if you got it they can’t strike you down.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, Bruce, I gotta say, it seems like you have a lot of your mind right now.

[ Pause. Bruce looks sad. ]

Bruce Chandling: Of course, everyone these days is so obsessed with CD’s, right? Like, “have you heard the new CD?”

Seth Meyers: Okay, Bruce, we got to wrap this up.

Bruce Chandling: Okay, everybody, at the Laugh Castle Wednesday, it’s gonna be me, Ronny Donny Anniay, Donny Ronny Anniay Jr. It’s a two drink minimum. Bring your pal, or two or three or four.

Seth Meyers: Bruce Chandling, everyone!

[ Bruce rolls out of frame ]

Seth Meyers: Give it up for Bruce Chandling, veteran stand-up comic!

Cecily Strong: West Virginia University was named the number one party school in the country, according to a new list from Playboy. Once again, in last place, was the University of Phoenix Online.

Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was allegedly caught stealing cookies from a Nevada prison cafeteria on Thursday.

Cecily Strong: (off-camera) Aww…

[ cut to Cecily and Seth ]

Cecily Strong: Aw, that’s sad. I feel so bad for him.

Seth Meyers: You feel bad for O.J. Simpson?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. He’s been through so much. Did you know his ex-wife was murdered?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I did know that.

Cecily Strong: I mean, like, let the guy have a cookie, right?

Seth Meyers: Oh, we should move on.

Cecily Strong: (to camera) You stay strong, Juice.

Seth Meyers: No, don’t say that.

A Minnesota man was shot in the leg after his hunting dog jumped into his boat, accidentally setting off the weapon. I say “accidentally”, but shortly after the incident, a duck was seen giving the dog twenty dollars.

Cecily Strong: John Stamos is hosting a new web series called “Losing Your Virginity” in which celebrities tell him about their first sexual experience. Stamos will then tell celebrities about their next sexual experience.

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s back to school time for families across America. Here to comment on the new school year is our own Drunk Uncle!

[ Drunk Uncle rolls in on a chair ]

[ SUPER: Drunk Uncle ]

Drunk Uncle: Ooooooh, are you ready for some baseball! And eventually some hockeyyy!

Seth Meyers: Actually, I think it’s football, Drunk Uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Someone’s gotta watch the white sports, Seth.

Seth Meyers: And we’re back. We’re back. So, Drunk Uncle, what are your thoughts on the upcoming school year?

Drunk Uncle: You know, when I was a kid, Seth, you know, there was no “back to school.” You know, you just lived there. Every day. It was (rapidly) chalk board shiny shoes grease pencil advocates pantaloons. You went to school until you were eight, and then you got married to a factory. Nowadays… Nowadays, it’s just, “can I get some Swiss chard on my roku?” – “Is that Amazon Prime Pumpkin Spiced?” – You know who’s got a couple of spicy pumpkins? That Sofia Viagra. (Points to his chest) Bee-boop bee-boop! Get it?

Seth Meyers: How could I not get it?

Drunk Uncle: (into his glass) Ted Cruuuuz.

Seth Meyers: All right.

Drunk Uncle: Kids today- they don’t even know that value of a dollar, Seth. You know. They’re all just twerking 9 to 5. (sings) Blurred Lines! … The only blurred line I know is our border with México. You know you want it! OFFENCE.

Seth Meyers: All right, Drunk Uncle… I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah I watch Big Brother! (sings loudly) Aaah, I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the -beep- with somebodyyy!

[ Drunk Uncle starts crying ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, Drunk Uncle…

Drunk Uncle: So I didn’t win an Emmy, OK? So I’ve never been Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, OK? So I’m not Joseph Gordon-Don John, OK?

[ He blows a raspberry ]

Drunk Uncle: Please, that’s not me.

Seth Meyers: That’s not anybody.

Drunk Uncle: Wait a minute… what day is it? Is it Sunday yet? Is it the Sabbath? I’m supposed to watch Breaking Bad with my dumb sister’s stupid kid.

Seth Meyers: Who’s that?

Drunk Uncle: It’s my meth-nephew!

Seth Meyers: Your meth-nephew?

[ Meth-Nephew rolls in from the side ]

Meth-Nephew: Come one, let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go!

Drunk Uncle: Calm down, buddy. Please. [ introducing them ] Seth, Meth. Meth, Seth.

Meth-Nephew: Hey, uh, Seth, I got a knock-knock joke for ya.

Drunk Uncle: NO! I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCK-KNOCKS! (laughs) He’s from the show.

Seth Meyers: Drunk Uncle and Meth-Nephew, everybody!

Drunk Uncle: (sings) Oh, I wanna dance with somebody!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong. Goodnight!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Obama Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Osborne…..Aidy Bryant
Larry Douglas…..Bobby Moynihan
Craig Douglas…..Beck Bennett
Sen. Ted Cruz…..Taran Killam
Complainer…..Cecily Strong
Dr. Melissa Kronich…..Kate McKinnon
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul
ObamaCare Oscar…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: [ over C-Span page ] You’re watching C-Span. At 4:30, it’s “Beach House”, a slideshow of Congressional members on their summer vacations. But first, we go to Prince George Community College in Maryland, where President Obama is speaking in support of the Affordable Care Act.

[ dissolve to Obama at podium in front of crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! As many of you all know, next Tuesday… the Affordable Care Act will be open to the public. While this is exciting news for ALL Americans, polls show that many of you are confused by the details of the law. And some have criticized me for failing to explain it better. So, today… I’ve asked soem regular Americans to come out… and tell you… how the Affordable Care Act will change their lives for the BETTER! Regular people, like Jennifer Osborne, a sales clerk right here in America!

[ Jennifer steps up to the podium ]

Jennifer Osborne: Uh, thank you… thank you, Mr. President! And let me start by saying I am PSYCHED… for OBAMACAAAARE!!

President Barack Obama: There you go! I love that enthusiasm!

Jennifer Osborne: Because now that I’ve got FREE health care, I can get sick ALL! THE TIIIIIME!! WHOO!! FREE MEDICINE, Y’ALL!!

President Barack Obama: Well, uh… [ chuckling ] THat’s not really how it works…

Jennifer Osborne: I’ve stopped washing my hands, and I’m licking hella subway polls! Thanks, President! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh, one great thing about the Affordable Care Act is that your children can stay on your insurance until, uh… 26. Here with a father-son success story, are Larry and Craig Douglas. Come on.

[ the Douglases steps up to the podium ]

Larry Douglas: Wow… I am so relieved that my DUMB, LAZY, good-for-nothing son has FULL HEALTH COVERAGE! We kept telling him: “Hey, IDIOT! You have to get a JOB to earn health care! But Mr. Obama here, he made sure that my son will NEVER have to lift a FINGER to get insurance!

President Barack Obama: [ stammering ] W-well… well, I’m sure he wants to contribute…

Larry Douglas: [ interrupting ] No, this is a true story, okay? The other day, he pinched a nerve so bad WHACKING IT… that he coldn’t even clsoe the laptop! We all walked in from CHURCH… and the porno was just still playing, full-volume. You know what? He was just lying on the floor! You’re a LOSER, son!

Craig Douglas: If I’m a loser… how come I have health care?

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh… Can we please, uh… can we please get them to leave, please?

[ security guards pulls the Douglases away ]

Larry Douglas: [ quickly ] Hey! CHRIS CHRISTIE IN ’16!!

President Barack Obama: Okay… Is there anyone here who has something serious to say about the new health care system?

[ Sen. Ted Cruz steps forward ]

Sen. Ted Cruz: I’m Senator Ted Cruz. And I do not LIKE you in a box! I do not like you with a fox!

President Barack Obama: Oh, Dr. Suess? Come on!

Sen. Ted Cruz: “I speak for the TREES! Because the trees do not speak. But if they could speak, they would say, ‘Shut down the federal government!'”

President Barack Obama: [ calling out ] Uh, uh, Security?

Sen. Ted Cruz: [ as they pull him away ] “Or make you hear a who? But the only thing I’m hearing right now is… SOCIALISM…!!”

President Barack Obama: People… It’s not even in effect yet! There’s NO WAY you can already have so many complaints!

[ Complainer steps up to the podium ]

Complainer: Uhhh, yeah. I already have a complaint about ObamaCare! By iPhone 5S broke, and I took it to the Genius Barn, and they would NOT fix it! I mean, WHAT the hell is that?!

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Now, see? I believe you’re confusing ObamaCare with Apple Care.

Complainer: Well — either way, it happened on YOUR watch! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Look — okay. Bottom line: Health care costs have spiraled OUT of control in this country! Okay? And no one knows that better than our nation’s overworked E.R. doctors. Like Dr. Melissa Kronich.

[ Dr. Melissa appears at the podium with a lit cigarette ]

Dr. Melissa Kronich: Look, I have no idea what the hell this law does. All I know is — ObamaCare or no ObamaCare — people need to stop putting things up their butts! I went to school for EIGHT damn years, so don’t you DARE look me in the face and tell me you FELL on a toy fire truck, you monsters!

President Barack Obama: Dr. Kronich, please.

Dr. Melissa Kronich: You want to save $5 billion a year on health care costs? Stop putting stuff up your damn BUTTS! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Okay, thank you, Dr. Kronich. Certainly something to keep in mind, our butts. Now, uh — Here’s a young man from New Mexico with a heartbreaking story about healthcre before the Affordable Care Act. So, uh — Jesse? Would you come up here?

[ Jesse Pinkman steps up to the podium, to huge applause ]

Jesse Pinkman: Yeah, I had this friend, you know? and he got sick. Like, cancer sick. But because there wasn’t ObamaCare… he couldn’t afford the treatments. So he was, like, backed into a corner. You know what I mean?

President Barack Obama: Uh, and keep in mind –- This man was a teacher with a family.

Jesse Pinkman: He was. He was. So, he did what any of us would have done: He started cooking meth.

President Barack Obama: Now, now, uh, hold on…!

Jesse Pinkman: And soon, it wasn’t just meth. It was murder. You know? And not regular murder. Like, he blew half a guy’s face off.

President Barack Obama: Okay! I think we can probably wrap this up! Jesse from New Mexico, everybody!

Jesse Pinkman: Hold on, don’t you want to know what happened to my friend?

Crowd: NO!!!

Jesse Pinkman: Okay. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: Finally… some are worried that the system is overwhelming, or hard to sign up for. But the fact is, it couldn’t be easier! And here to explain how easy it is, is our friend ObamaCare Oscar, uh, with the “Health Care Boogie.”

[ ObamaCare Oscar appears next to the podium and starts to boogie ]

ObamaCare Oscar: [ rapping ]
“Well, I signed up!
Be like me!
It’s as easy as 1-2-3!
4-5-6, 7-8-9…!”

[ ObamaCare Oscar trips and falls ]

ObamaCare Oscar: Oh, my God! The bone is through the skin!

President Barack Obama: [ alarmed ] Quick! Quick! Somebody please call an ambulance!

ObamaCare Oscar: No, no…! [ he struggles to his feet ] No, don’t call an ambulance! I don’t have health insurance!

President Barack Obama: What?! Why didn’t you sign up?

ObamaCare Oscar: Uh, it was too complicated to figure out…! I’m not a citizen, either. I was born in Liya… my family came here for the welfare! OH, ALLAH, HELP ME!! [ he limps off ]

President Barack Obama: Okay, I have not explained this law well. And my apologies, alright? And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

New Cast Member or Arcade Fire

…..Kenan Thompson
…..Tina Fey
…..
…..Kyle Mooney
…..Régine Chassagne
…..Noël Wells
…..Win Butler
…..Mike O’Brien
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: It’s time for America’s FAVORITE game show!

Audience: New! Cast Member! Or! Arcade Fire!

Kenan Thompson: Yes! Hello, and welcome to “New Cast Member or Arcade Fire.” The game is simple: Contestants must attempt to tell the difference between a member of Arcade Fire… [ image of band ] and one of “SNL”‘s new featured players. [ similar image of cast members ] Let’s meet tonight’s celebrity guest. She made you laugh on “30 Rock”, and she can be a real BossyPants. Miss Tina Fey!

[ Tina approaches the podium ]

Tina Fey: Thank you! It’s great to be here!

Kenan Thompson: Ah, nice to have you, Tina. Now, you’ve been working with some of the new folks this week. You feel good about your chances?

Tina Fey: No! I do not think that I will do well!

Kenan Thompson: Well, let’s begin! Tina, here’s the first match-up.

[ ?? and a nervous Kyle Mooney step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina… Which one is the new cast member, and which one’s in Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Okay, let’s see, uh… The guy on the left looks comfortable on stage, kind of hip clothes, looks a little alternative. But the guy in the glasses has a real deer-in-the-headlights look… he’s already sweated through his ironic “Boston Legal” t-shirt. I feel pretty good about this — The guy in the glasses is the new cast member.

[ ding! ]

Kenan Thompson: You are correct! That is right! This is the new “SNL” cast member!

Kyle Mooney: [ waving ] Hey, Tina! Or should I say: [ in a funny voice ] Salutations!

Kenan Thompson: NO!! Do NOT do that!! NO SILLY VOICES!! Not here! That is NOT GOOD!! Get your ass out of here!

[ the two men exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: So sorry, Tina. That was not supposed to happen.

Tina Fey: No, no… he seems like he’s gonna be great. [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright! Tina! Here’s your next challenge.

[ Régine Chassagne and Noël Wells step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay — new cast member, or Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Huh? Okay, this is getting a little tougher. Both are MAJOR LEAGUE pixies… Wow… talk about a Spohie’s choice. Okay, I’m trying to picture either of them in Arcade Fire, um… Can I see what they would look like holding old-timey instruments?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, absolutely. Can we bring in the old-timey instruments?

[ two models hand old-timey instruments to the two women ]

Tina Fey: Wow… those look massively stupid. Uh, I don’t know… The one in the polka-dots is in Arcade Fire.

[ buzz! ]

Kenan Thompson: Oooooooohhhh, I’m sorry! That’s incorrect. That is actually a new cast member.

Noël Wells: [ excited ] Tina! It’s SUCH an honor to meet you! I mean, the whole reason I got into comedy was to —

Kenan Thompson: HEY!! NO LINES!! YOU GET NO LINES!! That’s something you gotta EARN!! Okay?! Get out of here!! Get your ass out!!

[ both women exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.

Tina Fey: No, that’s okay. I remember when I was a new cast member, and —

Kenan Thompson: Shh! Tina, this isn’t an interview. Alright! Here comes Round 3!

[ Win Butler and Mike O’Brien step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina — Take it away.

Tina Fey: Oof! Okay. This guy in the tie is coming in real hot… he seems way too happy with himself. And, uh — ah, on the left, we’ve got some kind of hipster Paul Bunyan… could be a Civil War re-enactor, or like a Serbian basketball player. I — No, I can’t tell who’s on “SNL”. Can I see them do an impression?

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen: Your finest De Niro.

Mike O’Brien: Sure. [ as Travis Bickle ] “You talkin’ to ME?! Are you talkin’ to me?!”

Win Butler: [ as Jack Byrnes ] “I’m watchin’ you, Focker! I’m watchin’ you!”

Tina Fey: Wow, that, uh… that does not help at all. Can I Phone-A-Friend?

Kenan Thompson: We’ll do you one better. Send in the Lifeline!

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Kenan Thompson: Ah, Lorne Michaels! Lorne, do you think you could help Tina out and tell us which one is the new cast member? Ten seconds.

Announcer V/O: Remember: As Producer of “Saturday Night Live”, he himself recently hired one of these people to be in the cast. The other one is a musician who’s been booked on “SNL” four times in the last six years. Now… Lorne must decide which is the new cast member.

[ buzzer dings ]

Lorne Michaels: Is it… the Black one?

Kenan Thompson: What?! You mean ME?! NO, man!! I’M KENAN!!

[ Lorne exits ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright. Well, uh… That was a humbling round. He thinks I’m a new cast member. The ude’s known me half my life. He called me “The Black One”, didn’t he? [ Tina nods ] Well, the show is over!

Tina Fey: Oh! do I win anything?

Kenan Thompson: Don’t you have enough?! [ to the audience ] See you next week, I guess!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Tina Fey’s Monologue

…..Tina Fey
…..Featured Players of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tina Fey!

Tina Fey: [ she checks her breast area for posible slippage ] Thank you! Ohhhh, thank you so much! Oh, my gosh! I am SO glad to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, um, because some of you might know I don’t have a show any more… and, uh, unless I’m on TV once every three weeks, a little part of me dies. How am I going to manage to get the best table at Subway if I don’t have a TV show?

You know, I worked here at “SNL” for nine years, and, uh… [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I’m always so excited to get the chance to come back and do all my big recurring characters again! Oh, yeah — I had SOOO many popular characters that people still ask me about. Like… “Johnny Jean Jacket”… [ reveal still ] That was a big one. Queef Latina… [ reveal still ] Which, of course, went on to become a HUGE Paramount motion picture: “Queef Latina Ruins Christmas.” [ reveal movie poster ] Yep. Hold on to your hat, I’m gonna do ALL of them! I’m gonna do Salvador Dali Parton… [ reveal still ] Alright? Not to be confused with Reba McIntired. And, everybody remembers “The Lady with No Theme Song”!

[ cut to theme intro ]

Jingle:
“She’s the Lady With no Theme Song.
How’s she gonna start her sketch?
No theme song!
And she’s a vampire!”

[ return to Home Base ]

Tina Fey: I’m just messing with you! I didn’t have any characters! I never did! I’m just… pleasant. But — I bet who does have a lot of new characters to show you are our SIX NEW CAST MEMBERS! [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! Six! It’s a rebuilding year… as they keep saying at my plastic surgeon’s office. Do you know what? Let’s meet ’em! Come on out here, new kids!

[ the six new cast members surround Tina ]

Tina Fey: [ to Noël Wells ] You’re real cute. How old are you, sweetheart?

Noël Wells: Uh — 26!

Tina Fey: Just stand over here. [ she motions Wells far to one side ] Guys, I’m gonna give you… your first job on the show tonight.Okay? As new cast members, one of your most important tasks is doing very embarrassing dancing behind the hosts in the monologue. Okay? Everyone does it. Here’s me dancing behind Mr. Andy Roddick. [ reveal clip ] Here’s me being a goon behind Jude Law. [ reveal clip ] And here I am in a trenchcoat with Bernie Mac. [ reveal previously unseen dress clip ] Yeah! I mean, you GOTTA do it! It’s not just for ladies! Here is the great Will Ferrell, tap-dancing with Katie Holmes. [ she looks around ] Yeah, take a look at that… [ reveal clip ] ‘Cause what happened was… Katie Holmes told us she was a really, really good tap dancer, and it turned out she was not! So Will had to get out there and make her look good. Support the host, you know? It’s humiliating, but it’s part of the job. And I am so honored that I get to be the person to do this to you. Alright? So let’s do what we practiced, guys! Go, go, go!

[ the new cast members rush offstage ]

Tina Fey: We’re gonna show America that you are in it to win it! [ she grabs a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen — Being humiliated for the firt time anywhere… the featured players of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ the new cast members return to the Home Base wearing glitter jackets and dark pants ]

Tina Fey: SHORTS!

[ the new cast members pull off their breakaway pants; John Milhiser struggles with his pants, causing Tina to turn away and stifle a laugh ]

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Really want to make it?”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Yes, Miss Tina!”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see you shake it!”

[ the new cast members shimmy-shake ]

Tina Fey: Good. Good, that’s very embarrassing. [ to John Milhiser’s belly ] You’re gonna feel a deep shame coming up from here and out. It’s natural. Remember -– It was your dream to work here. [ to Mike O’Brien ] How do you think it’s going? [ he shrugs ] It’s not. [ to Brooks Wheelan, singing ] “I hope you’re father isn’t watching.”

Brooks Wheelan: [ singing ] “Oh, he is.”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see some crotching.”

[ the new cast members shake their crotches ]

Tina Fey: Oh, boy! [ to Beck Bennett ] I hope you do a lot of impressions.

[ singing ]
“It’s a rite of passage that couldn’t be gayer
Say it lous, say it proud:”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “I’M A FEATURED PLAYER!!!”

Tina Fey: Bring it home, nerds!

Featured Players:
[ dancing, singing ]
“We’ve got a great show!
Arcade Fire is heeeeeeeeeere!
So stick around, we’ll beeee…”

Tina Fey: COMMIT!!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Right…”

Tina Fey: Let your spirit die!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkkk!!”

[ they pose around Tina triumphantly ]

Tina Fey: Congratulations! You’re done for the night. We’ve got a great show! Arcade Fire is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Manolo Blahniks

Breckie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Lejean Noween…..Tina Fey

(The two Ex-Porn Stars, Breckie and Her Friend, stand before columns with shoes on them as a fan blows curtains around behind them.)

Brookie: Essquite.

Friend: Endeligance.

Brookie: Stylist.

Friend: Ho Cature.

Both: The Nicest. Manual Blondick’s.

Friend: All the grits and grammar of a high class shoe

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re walking on cloud nine.

Both: With Manual Blondick’s.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not Porn Stars anymore. I’m Breckie.

Friend: And you can too.

(LeJean Noween is carried on by two female bodybuilders)

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore. (Notices LeJean, Confused.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a taste for the…

Both: Finest?

LeJean Noween: Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No no, not yet.

LeJean Noween: Okay. (She is carried off.)

Brookie: Other shoes are flat, and for nurses. See you later, ally larder.

Friend: Good ribbance.

Brookie: Manual Blondick’s are like Dolce GaPandas, but they’re like a million dollars. They’re like Roy Royces for your feet.

Both: (Making a horn honking gesture) Beep Beep. (Breckie’s Friend is a little late on her cue.)

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: (As the caption appears): Solstice.

(The caption reads “Cocktail attire”)

Friend: Cocktail tire.

(The Caption Reads “Black Tie Affair”)

Brookie: Black Guy affairs.

Friend: And your first Amber Alert. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re drinking lobster straight out of the sink.

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re from Fancier times, like the Gilded Anus.

Friend: You’ll feel like you’re riding in a Glass Blumpkin.

Brookie: Plus you can display them in – What’s that thing you put your stuff in?

Friend: Your Mouth.

Brookie: No, it’s like, in your house.

Friend: A Cage.

Brookie: No, like, a closet

Friend: Right, a Closet.

LeJean Noween: (carried on again) Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No, not yet.

LeJean Noween: (Defensive) Yeah, I know!!

(She is carried off again.)

Breckie and Friend: With Manual Blondicks.

Friend: One time, I got banged in the Statue of Liberty’s head. I feel like I was hearing all of America’s Thoughts. And America was thinking: More Manual Blondicks si-vous-please.

Brookie: I don’t have a butt anymore. I got banged in it so hard, the doctors had to amputate. I woke from surgery like “what da heck?”

Friend: I thought I got banged into a solar eclipse. But I was really just locked in a trunk looking through the keyhole. And I was like, “Either way.”

Brookie: I got banged by some rapping gerbils in the back of a Kia. I think some of them were people. You live and you learn. Hey, remember Old Country Buffet?

Both: (pretending, poorly, to be Old Women) Get out of here, you girls…no sex in your short shirts…(they drift into incomprehensible muttering)

LeJean Noween: (Being carried past frame) Did Someone say Shoe let the Dogs out?

Both: Where’d…where’d she go? (They carry her back in) Okay, here, okay yeah here.

(The bodybuilders put her down and exit.)

LeJean Noween: Hi, I’m LeJean Noween. I’m the queen of porn without penises, and the author of Rock Paper Scissoring Volumes I, II and IV. I’ve never seen a man’s genitals but I can still recognize good junk. That’s why I reach for Manilow’s Blankets. They’re Blankets from Barry Manilow. They’re made from his hair or somethin’, I dunno!

Brookie: Hey, stay on track, we’re trying to do this add and get free shoes from

Both girls: Manual Blondick’s.

LeJean Noween: Oh right, the plan. (They all wink, by which I mean blink, at the camera) So wear the dumb shoes, cause if you’re like me and you’ve got carpet funnel syndrome in your feet from years of toe-blasting, you’re gonna wanna wrap those puppies up in some Manilow’s blankets. And to my 8th Grade Gym Teacher Miss Gomez, bet you’re kicking’ yourself now for dumping me! PS, I saw you on “House Hunters”, you picked the wrong house Bitch! So In collision, buy some Manilow’s blankets, because everything’s better with:

Brookie: Great Style!

Friend: (Simultaneously) Butt to Butt.

All Three: With Manual Blondicks!

(Lejean thrusts her arms over her head.)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Goodnights

…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Thanks to Arcade Fire! Aaron Paul! Jeff Richmond! Bobby Carlock! Aw, you guys, we’ve got something very special for you tonight. The network is letting us go LONG tonight — Arcade Fire is doing a show, so don’t go anywhere! It’s about to get WE-E-E-E-E-EIRDDD!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

e-Meth

Meth Smoker #1…..Taran Killam
Meth Smoker #2…..Brooks Wheelan
Meth Smoker #3…..Kate McKinnon
Homeowner…..Kenan Thompson
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul

[ open on Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use… [ he holds up electronic pipe ] e-Meth. It’s crystal meth, but it’s electronic, so it produces vapor instead of smoke. And that means I can ride the ice pony… anywhere I want. [ he puffs and smiles ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Smoke is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know WHAT to do with my hands! [ he twiddles his thumbs ] But now I do know what to do with them: I smoke METH! [ he lights up his pipe, puffs, and chokes ] It’s good!

[ cut to Meth Smoker #3 ]

Meth Smoker #3: Thanks to e-Meth, now I don’t even need to leave the bar to get the sweet shabbu shabbu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere! At the office… [ footage: at the office ] At the grocery store… [ footage: stumbling around the grocery store ] In a bathtub in the middle of the road… [ footage: bathtub in road ] Or facedown in a big ol’ tire. [ footage: facedwon in big tire ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: And it’s healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze. But… it still has that great meth taste.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: e-Meth lets me get totally gakked up on woop chicken, without yellowing my teeth. [ he pulls out a tooth ] See? Perfectly white. [ he holds the tooth to his ear ] What? Hello? This is he.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Thanks to e-Meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant!

Homeowner: Excuse me, Sir? You can’t smoke meth in here.

Meth Smoker #2: [ laughing ] It’s okay — It’s electronic!

Homeowner: I don’t care! You in my LIVING ROOM… and you NEKKID!!

[ the Homeowner chases the half-naked man around his living room ]

Announcer: e-Meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rash, face swell, painful death, or fatigue.

[ cut to Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” ]

Jesse Pinkman: e-Meth. You know it’s good, ’cause it’s blue, BITCH!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Used Cars

Rick…..Mike O’Brien
Daisy…..Tina Fey

[ open on black-and-white stock footage of Model T’s, with SUPER: “Cars For Sale” ]

[ dissolve to Rick standing in front of a Model T ]

Rick: Hi there, folks! I’m Rick, from Rick’s Model T’s! Now, a couple of year ago I had a craaaaaaaazy idea to sell cars that are NOT brand new! I’m calling them “Used Cars”, and I decided to tell YOU guys about it using this promotional film. Something I’m going to call… a “Used Car Commercial.” Lots of firsts here today, folks! And I’m charging SO little for these cars, that people think I’m a little LOONY! This here’s my wife Daisy, and she’s almost as BONKERS as I am! [ Daisy slowly steps forward ] Take it from a couple of KOOKS like us — You’re not gonna find a better deal on a used model T! Right, Daisy?

Daisy: We’re so crazy… Not only did we slash prices, but I gave all my babies to the well!

Rick: Whooooooaaaa! Uh… no! Watch, Daisy. The man’s filming us, see? Keep it fun! Listen, folks — You come down and sign the papers, you’ll walk out with a crank in your pocket. That’s right — No cash in signing! We’ve got every brand there is: Model T… So come on down, because these are some FINE automobiles! Tell them, Daisy!

[ Daisy slowly steps forward ]

Daisy: That’s right… One of them took me to the hospital, where they used electricity to fix my thoughts.

Rick: Uhhh…! Okay, Daisy, they’re not good for that! They could take you ANYWHERE!! Hey, folks! You’re not gonna find a better deal on these tin Lizzies! And these suckers are FULLY LOADED! They’ve got EVERYTHING: Seats… Daisy, tell them again about how CRAZY these prices are!

Daisy: I smashed a mirror, ’cause I saw a woman in there that’s CRAZY!!

Rick: Alright… Don’t make me put you back up in the attic, please.

Daisy: Don’t put me up there!!

Rick: Dammit, Daisy! I wish I had a more legitimate treatment option than the attic, but that’s… just where medicine is at.

Daisy: [ whispering ] I think I KILLED that Navejo girl…

Rick: What?! Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?

Daisy: No one will know she’s in our root cellar…

Rick: Uhhhh… uhhh… Yeah! Meanwhile, all of this, on film! Holllllly doodle! So, come on down to Crazy Rick’s Model T’s, and take advantage of these craaaaaaaaazy deals! Alright, Daisy — Give ’em the sign-off!

Daisy: [ waving her arms ] I dug up Daddy, he’s still mad at me!

Rick: Whoooooaaaaa!! Nooooo!! No! It’s… [ he waves his arms ] “Come on down!” [ Daisy waves her arm wide ] Yeah, there you go, Daisy! There!

[ SUPER: “Rick’s Model T’s” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts