Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 38: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 15th, 2012 Martin Short Paul McCartney None The New York City Children’s Chorus Jimmy Fallon Kristen Wiig Paul Shaffer Samuel L. Jackson Tina Fey Tom Hanks Lorne Michaels Alec Baldwin Joe Walsh Carrie Brownstein John Solomon Danielle Flora The New York City Children’s Chorus performs “Silent Night”
Montage
Martin Short’s MonologueSummary: Martin Short dances through the halls and sings about how Christmas is the horniest time of the year. Transcript
A Tony Bennett ChristmasSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) younger brother Jerry (Kenan Thompson) joins hi for Christmas festivities and an interview with Kanye West (Jay Pharoah). Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett, Kanye West.
Royal Family DoctorSummary: Rupert Smythe Pennington (Martin Short), a representative of the Royal Family, outlines the unusual requirements that Kate Middleton’s doctor (Bill Hader) will need to perform throughout her pregnancy. Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II. Transcript
You’re A Rat Bastard, Charlie BrownSummary: The Brooklynese version of a Charlie Brown Christmas stars Al Pacino (Bill Hader) as Charlie Brown, with Larry David (Martin Short) as Linus and many other celebrities. Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fran Drescher.
Paul McCartney with Joe Walsh performs “My Valentine”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bar Mitzvah Boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Chanukah as though performing a comedy roast. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) has some choice rambling comments about the real meaning of Christmas. Recurring Characters: Jacob, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.
What Up With That?Summary: In a special salute to Christmas, Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Samuel L. Jackson and Carrie Brownstein. Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Vance, Lindsey Buckingham, Jackie Rogers, Jr. Note: Samuel L. Jackson curses twice in this sketch, causing Kenan Thompson to ad-lib “That costs money!”
Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear performs “Cut Me Some Slack”
Old FriendsSummary: Old friends Mark (Fred Armisen) and Dennis (Martin Short) run into each other at Restoration Hardware during the Christmas holidays, and catch up on old, odd times. Transcript
Pageant AuditionsSummary: Caleb (Martin Short) auditions to sing, but is reluctant to let his triangle player Monty (Paul McCartney) perform a song. Note: This sketch breaks the fourth wall to enter right into McCartney’s next musical performance.
Paul McCartney and The New York City Children’s Chorus perform “Wonderful Christmas Time”
[ open on seedy scenes of New York City at night during Christmas time ]
[ reveal Marcus Banks walking the streets ]
Marcus Banks V/O: Twelve years, I was a pimp. That’s a long time in pimp years. I made a lot of paper. But then I got POPPED! Did my time, learned my lesson; now I’m straight. If you had told me back then that I would be selling Christmas trees… I’d say, “You’re CRAZY!”
[ cut to Marcus standing in front of a row of Christmas trees ]
Marcus Banks: But here I am! [ he fondles one of his trees ]
[ cut to title card: “MARCUS BANKS: TREE PIMP” ]
Marcus Banks: Hos is a game. And trees is a game. And the game is the same.
[ cut to Marcus working a sale ]
Marcus Banks: Hey, you like what you see?
Customer #1: Yeah — maybe.
Marcus Banks: Yeah, she’s a nice one. She’ll do it all, too — FULL SERVICE.
[ Customer #1 stares at him dubiously ]
[ cut to second sale ]
Customer #2: Is this thing a Douglas Fir?
Marcus Banks: She’ll be anything you want, Cowboy! You know what I’m sayin’? Best prices in town! Fresh!
[ Customer #2 glances down at the trunk of the tree, which is wearing a silver lame high heel ]
Marcus Banks: Yeah, you like that?
[ cut to third sale ]
Customer #3: You got any bigger ones?
Marcus Banks: Oh, she big where it counts. She clean, too. Hold up — Po Po! [ he straightens up and clears his throat as a police officer walks past ] Yeah, you know… this is a beautiful city, man… his is a real beautiful city… [ he stares in the police officer’s wake ]
Marcus Banks V/O: It’s a HARD game.
[ cut to Marcus walking down the street ]
Marcus Banks: Some motherfuckers wanna strap my bitches to the top of the car! Hell, no!
[ cut to fourth sale ]
Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut at the bottom?
Marcus Banks: Say what?
Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut?
Marcus Banks: You want me to cut ‘er?
Customer #4: Just a… [ he makes a thwapping motion with his hand ] at the bottom.
Marcus Banks: [ outraged ] Get the hell out of here!
Customer #4: No, man…
Marcus Banks: GET THE HELL ON OUTTA HERE!!! [ the Custoomr runs off ] I don’t CUT my bitches!!
[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]
Marcus Banks: See, what I offer these trees is PROTECTION! You gotta make sure they SAFE! That’s Pimpin’ 101!
[ cut to Customer #1 and his wife trimming their tree in their home, as Marcus stands in the room and watches ]
Marcus Banks: Y’all got twenty minutes, now.
[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]
Marcus Banks: Yeah, pimpin”s in my blood, you know? It’s in my DNA! It’s like chlorophyll to me! Or, uh — uh — uh — uh — photopinthesis!
[ cut to regular sale ]
Marcus Banks: Hey, Mr. Peterson! Third time this week, huh?
Mr. Peterson: Yeah! [ he carries tree away ]
Marcus Banks: Alright, Merry Christmas! [ he turns to the camera ] That is one WEIRD dude right there! But he pays. He pays.
[ reveal Mr. Peterson alone in his car with the tree, as he lowers it below the dashboard ]
[ cut to Daddy Kidd, Rival Tree Pimp ]
Daddy Kidd: I hear y’all been talkin’ to Marcus, man. I mean, yeah — he put a SHOW on for ya’. But Marcus… [ he lowers his shades ] He COLD, man. You know? He got a DARK side. I never put my hands on a tree. But Marcus?
[ cut to Marcus yellin at a tree, then he knocks it over ]
Daddy Kidd V/O: It’s ungodly.
[ Marcus threatens another tree with pruning shears ]
Daddy Kidd: You probably know some of my A-List clients… but I’m not gonna mention no NAMEs, though, cuz — to me, that’s, you know, that’s SACRED! [ whispering ] Matt Lauer.
[ cut to second Daddy Kidd testimonial ]
Daddy Kidd: See — lookit, dawg: Marcus deals with a more volume business. Whereas, I deal in discerning clientele. I mean, I deal high-end! [ pointing over his shoulder ] That’s my biggest earner right there!
[ reveal the Christmas tree at 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Daddy Kidd: That’s my bottom bitch!
[ return to Marcus ]
Marcus Banks: You see, this game’ll break your heart if you let it. What’s sad is when you see a young tree. I don’t get down with no saplings!
[ cut to Marcus approaching a young sapling on the sidewalk ]
Marcus Banks: Whatchoo doin’ out here?! Get out of here! Go home! You barely got any rings yet!
[ return to Marcus ]
Marcus Banks: Now… I try to do RIGHT by these trees. Sometimes, I slip up.
[ cut to Marcus having sex with one of his trees ]
Marcus Banks: I’m not a perfect man. But it is what it is.
[ cut to courtroom, with serious judicial soundtrack ]
Narrator: Meet the Plaintiff — Miss Sarah Ann Tucker. She says the Defendant subletted her house and ran up the water bill. She seeks $500 in reimbursement.
Meet the Defendant — Ethan Vandermark. He claims that the high water bill was due to a pre-existing leak.
Their fate will be decided according to the unique values of the great state of Maine. This is… “Maine Justice”!
[ cut to show graphics and title card, complete with bouncy jazz music ]
[ dissolve back to courtroom ]
Bailiff: ALL RISE for your Honorable Most ??
[ Judge approache his bench ]
Judge: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Alright there! Alright, now! Okay, y’all take a seat! Y’all take a seat, rigt here, right now! [ he bangs his gavel ] Okay? Alright, here we go! I’m about to serve up a heapin’ spoonful of Maine Justice here! [ he wipes his chin with a handkerchief ] Mmm! Well, now, how you doin’ today, Jesse?
Bailiff: Ooooooh-wee! This thick, humid air here… Get to it today, y’all!
Judge: [ wiping his brow ] Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee! That is true! We in Maine fo’ sure! Mmm! Now, hello there, Miss Tucker.
Sarah Ann Tucker: [ fanning herself ] Hello, Your Honor!
Judge: Yeah! Yeah! Say — how’s your daughter doin’?
Sarah Ann Tucker: Oh, she’s just fine, Your Honor. You know, she’s goin’ to school up there in the Connecticut!
Judge: Oh, yeah? Well, they got some good schools up there! you know that’s true, that’s true. [ he wipes his chin ] But I like to think you could learn a thing or two DOWN HERE in Maine, as well!
Bailiff: Hoo-hoo!
Judge: Uh-huh! And, uh, how are you doin’ over there, Mr., uh — who is he? — Mr. Vanderkirk? Huh? VanderMARK? Is that what it is? Are you from out of town? Is that right?
Ethan Vandermark: That’s correct. Hey — what the hell is going on here?
Judge: Okay! Alright, now! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now, here we go! Miss Tucker? Uh, what’s all this goin’ on now about this here, with all this here mess now?
Sarah Ann Tucker: Well, Judge… I loant this man my house, and I wilfully included utilities.
Judge: Mmm.
Sarah Ann Tucker: But then, I come back and — hoooo-wee! — he done run up the water bill like somethin’ I don’t know what!
Judge: Mmm!
Ethan Vandermark: Okay, that’s not true.
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!
Bailiff: Shut your mouth, boy! You in MAINE now, boy!
Judge: That’s right!!
Bailiff: Bangor, Maine, baby!
Judge: Yep!
Bailiff: You gonna find a few things that’s different around here!
Judge: That’s right! You’d best watch yourself, boy, or you gonna find yourself HOG-TIED and tossed into a swamp full of gators, like that!
[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]
Ethan Vandermark: Alligtors? In Maine?
Judge: Mmm!
Bailiff: You damn tootin’!
Judge: Yeah! ‘Cause this here’s MAINE JUSTICE right here!!
[ the courtroom gives a “Hoooo-weeeeee!!” ]
Judge: Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, okay!! [ he bangs his gavel ] Order in my courtroom! Order in my — y’all shut your butts! That’s right! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now this man right here may not be from around these parts, but let’s see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!
Ethan Vandermark: Um… okay. Well, may wife and I hve always wanted to go to Maine, so —
Bailiff: Damn right!
Judge: Mmm-hmm!
Bailiff: Home of Jazz, baby!
Judge: That’s right!
Bailiff: Mardi Gras! Steve Ontkean!
Judge: That’s right!
Ethan Vandermark: [ stunned ] Right… Anyway… we rented this house, and I guess there was a leak in the basement, but we didn’t realize it. THAT’S why the water bill was so high.
Sarah Ann Tucker: He’s lyin’! He’s lyin’ like a VIPER in the red Maine mud!
Ethan Vandermark: I’m not lyin’!
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Oh, wo, wo, wo!! Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in MY courtroom, we gonna send you off to a LIGHTHOUSE crawlin’ with GATORS!!
[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]
Ethan Vandermark: What?!
Judge: Okay, now! [ he wpes his chin ] There, there, there… mmm-hmm. Let ‘im be, Jesse. Let up.
Bailiff: [ still clapping his hands together ] Oh, I hate gators!
Judge: I know it, I know it! Don’t give me that! Now, Miss Tucker — I believe you had a WITNESS you want to call?
Sarah Ann Tucker: That’s right. I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.
Judge: Alright!
[ the Congressman enters through a side door, clutching a piss jar ]
Bailiff: Do you swear you’re gonna tell the truth and nothin’ BUT the truth, baby?
Judge: Okay, alright, yeah! [ he wipes his chin ] Uh, now — Congressman Carrey? Uh, what did you did see up in there?
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: [ in heavy Cajun accent ] Uhhhhhhh… I seen this fool, he bin runnin’ his water all day!
Judge: Yeah?
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Yeah, like he’s tryin’ to drink up the whole bayou, or somethin’!
Judge: Yeah! [ he laughs ]
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: I be like, “Hey! Hey! Whatchoo tryin’ make a fool out of her?!” his ain’t no Bon Tempe Roulette, my friend, ’cause there ain’t NOBODY make a fool outta the good people of Maine, exceptin’ the Lord Himself!
Judge: That’s right!
Ethan Vandermark: I don’t even know what this little weirdo is saying!
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That little WEIRDO’S an EIGHT-TERM CONGRESSMAN!!
Bailiff: That man right there’s a New England treasure, baby!
Judge: That’s right! Son, I WARNED you about smartin’ off, and I don’t know if you GET where you IS! But you in MAINE now, BOY! The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree, lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!!
Ethan Vandermark: What?! Can someone please explain to me WHAT is going on?!
Judge: Okay, alright. Well, look here, look here. [ he wipes his chin ] Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina, but we don’t wanna change our ways, right?
Bailiff: Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom exchange program, baby!
Judge: Yeah!
Sarah Ann Tucker: Yeah, or maybe there’s a space-time portal, and we spend half our tme in Maine and half in New Orleans, and we’ve started to mix the two up!
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Tht’s what it is!
Ethan Vandermark: [ rubbing his head ] I am SO confused…
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Okay, alright, now! Here we go! I’m gonna make my ruling, okay?! Hmmmm… let’s see. Mr. Vandermark?! I fine you guilty of bein’ a FAST-TALKIN’, WATER-WASTIN’, NO-GOOD YANKEE!! [ as he pratically crawls over his bench ] That’s right! And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the SPICIEST bowls of jambalaya you ever seen!!
Ethan Vandermark: [ incredulous ] That’s the sentence?
Judge: Whooooooooo!! It’s gonna be so spicy, sure, we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville’s airboat and drag his bare lily-white butt cross the swamp to put out that ass fire! [ the Bailiff cracks up laughing ] Ohhh, Jesse! That’s what has to happen!
Bailiff: Ass fire!
Judge: That’s right!! Ohhhhhhhhh!! That’s just how I like doin’ it down here in Bangor, Maine! ‘Cause this here… [ he holds it for an extended moment, as the Bailiff laughs ] is MAINE JUSTICE!! [ he slams his gavel ]
[ suddenly, a Second Line breaks out across the courtroom ]
Host: Hello, and welcome to America’s most difficult game show — we show contestants a picture, and they have to tell us who it is! That’s right, it’s time for…
Audience: “Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney”!
Host: Just a reminder to you at home: No one has EVER won this game. It looks like today is going to be WORSE than usual. Let’s meet our contestants.
[ reveal three Black contestants ]
Contestants: Hell, no! Nope! No way, man!
Host: Alright, alright… let’s get started. Contestants, tell me: [ reveal photo ] Is this Dylan McDermott… or Dermot Mulroney?
Contestant #3: [ throws his arms up ] We will NEVER know this!
[ buzzer ]
Host: The correct answer was… Dermot Mulroney. Next round! Tell me, contestants… [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this? As a reminder — the answer for the last round was Dermot Mulroney. THIS… is the other guy!
Contestant #2: Can you say both their names again?
Host: Dylan McDermott… Dermot Mulroney.
Contestant #3: Can you put a bigger space between the names… so… so e know when the first name ends and when the second name begins?
[ buzzer ]
Host: Time’s up. That’s a picture of Dylan McDermott.
Contestant #2: Can we just skip to the end?
Host: No, no, no, no, no! You can do this! Just remember: Dermot Mulroney… is the one who’s in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Must Love Dogs”, with Ashley Judd. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? With Diane Lane. Who’s also in “Unbreakble”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Untraceable”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Unfaithful”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? BOTH “Untraceable” and “Unfaithful”! …So if any of that helps at all!
Contestants: It does not! It does not!
Host: Round Three. Hey! [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this guy? Remember: Dylan McDermott was in “The Practice”… and Dermot Mulroney was in a movie called “Staying Together”, where he played a character named Kit McDermott. And that is a true fact! So is this Dylan McDermott… or Kit McDermott?
Contestant #2: You know what? F you!
[ bell goes off ]
Host: Alright! Alright. Alright. You know what the means — it’s time for the McDermott Double. Get this right, and we’ll McDermott McDouble your points!
Contestant #3: [ shaking his head ] You’re a SICK man!
Host: [ laughing crazily ] Yeah! Yeah! Here we go: You have twenty seconds to write down your answer. [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this?
[ clock ticks, as the contestants work through it ]
Host: Alright. Alright. Alright. [ he walks over to the contestants ] Alright, let’s see what you wrote down. Contestant #1, you wrote down: [ as he holds up his answer ] D-scribble, M-scribble. Yeah, that can’t count! We can’t count that!
Contestant #1: Had to try… had to try…
Host: Contestant #2, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer ] Derbel McDillet.
Contestant #2: Yeah.
Host: I just want to check in with you… When you were writing down “Derbel McDillet”, did you think to yourself, “Yeahhhh… this is right”?
Contestant #2: Uh — yes, I did! At first, I was gonna write down… “Dermot… Ramoney”, but… that’s not a real name.
Host: So you settled on “Derbel McDillet”?
Contestant #2: [ he nods and drops his answer ] Yeah.
Host: How would you feel if I told you you wee dead wrong?
Contestant #2: I would NOT be surprised.
Host: Alright. Contestant #3, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer] Rupert Everett.
[ dinger ]
Host: [ surprised ] I’ve never heard that sound before. The judges are telling me that’s technically correct… since Rupert Everett IS the Gay Dermott Mulroney.
Contestant #3: [ excited ] So I WIN?!
Host: Well… we doubled your score. But zero times two is still zero. Now, it’s time for the final round. Contestants, please tell me: WHO is this?!
[ suddenly, Dermot Mulroney steps out ]
Dermot Mulroney: I was in “My Best Friend’s Wedding”… and I was just on, uh… “The New Girl”. [ he holds up Dylan McDermott’s photograph ] This is a picture of my face. Who am I? Dyland McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?
Host: Wait. wait… that’s a photo of Dylan McDermott.
Dermot Mulroney: [ irked ] You don’t have to give them the answer!
Host: But… you’re Dermot Mulroney.
[ he considers this possibility ]
Dermot Mulroney: I am? Ooh… oh, my gosh! Oh, I’ve been sleeping with another man’s wife.
Host: Alright. Well, that’s how this show works. Once again, there’s no winner. But don’t change that channel, because next up: Three teenage girls from Alaska will play: “Djimon Hounsou OR Chiwetel Ejiofor?”
Contestants: I know who that is…! I know who that is…!
[ open on two girls holding up their hands to make their varous crystals noticeable ]
Brookie: Bliss.
Starlet: Glamour.
Brookie: Elegance.
Starlet: Style.
Together: Luxury!! Swarovski Crystals!
Brookie: All the trappings… of an elegant woman.
Starlet: You can have it all…
Together: With Swarovski Crystals!!
Brookie: Hi! We’re not porn stars any more. I’m Brookie…
Starlet: And I forget.
Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love style.
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention STYLE?!
Brookie: Yeah, yeah…
[ they wave him away ]
Brookie: Diamonds are too expensive and heavy. No thanks, Jose!
Starlet: Crystals are light and fifty dollars — plus, they’re diamonds. And they’re perfect for:
Brookie: Christmas.
Starlet: Bracelet.
Brookie: Necklace.
Starlet: Business.
Brookie: Wearing.
Starlet: Crystals.
Brookie: They look great on your hands, and your face.
Starlet: Or in your house… on the… on the tall things with different levels.
Brookie: Uh… shelves.
Starlet: Oh, yeah — shelves.
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention SHELVES?
Brookie: No, no…
Sammy Stamina: Okay.
[ they wave him away ]
Together: Swarovski Crystals!
Starlet: One time, I was with EIGHT guys at once, and I thought that was the pinnacle. But now, it’s crystals!
Brookie: My brain doesn’t function. It got banged off its axis. But I can still notice the sparkle of Swarovski Crystals!
Starlet: One time, I got banged to death for five minutes. Then, I got banged back to life — Thanks, Crystals!
Brookie: I lost part of my foot. It broke off in a butt. And I’ve regretted it ever since. But I DON’T regret wearing… CRYSTALS!
Starlet: One time, I thought I was asleep. But I was just drug-dead. Then I noticed a Swarovski Crystal on my wrist, and I thought, “Okay!”
Brookie: I miss smoking. Remember smoking? [ she mimes a cigarette ]
Starlet: Yeah, yeah!
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody say SMOKING?
Starlet: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Brookie: Go, go…
Sammy Stamina: Hi! My name is Sammy Stamina. I did porn, too! Until they told me I had to start wearing condoms. I said, “No way! I got integrity!”
Girls: …And Crystals!!
Sammy Stamina: Some girls is nice, I give a… a Shar… a Sharkie Crystal. [ he tries not to laugh ] They cost less than diamonds. But they DIAMONDS! And it’s a 1-1 situation. [ the girls each hold up a finger ] If I could, I’d have my TEETH made of these crystals! But, instead, tey PLASTIC! But my soup ain’t complaining. And to my middle school teacher — the one who said I’d never be a professional actor — all I have to say is: I’m STILL trying to find out where you live, so I can KILL you!
Brookie: No, no… no threats! We have to send this to television… so we can get FREE CRYSTALS!
Girls: From Swarovski!!
Sammy Stamina: Oh, yeah, that’s right! The plan!
Starlet: Wink! [ she tries hard to wink one eye ]
Sammy Stamina: Because there’s ONE thing that don’t NEVER go out of style:
Girls: ANAL!!
Starlet: Okay! Okay, grand finale!
[ the girls mime rowing a boat ]
Sammy Stamina: Sharkie Crystals. They’re crystal for sharks!
[ cut to product slide, then return to the girls ]
Together: Swarovski Crystals! Ooooohhhh, we’re covered in this stuff! Luxury, that is! And the “Oooh!” wasn’t gross, it was like, “Ooooh!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 38: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: Guest Writers:
December 8th, 2012 Jamie Foxx Ne-Yo None 2 Chainz Dermot Mulroney Charlie Day None Suli McCullough Chris Spencer Press ConferenceSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) comforts John Boehner (Bill Hader) from the bullying he’s received at the hands of his fellow Republicans following failed fiscal cliff negotiations. Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, John Boehner.
Montage
Jamie Foxx’s MonologueSummary: Jamie Foxx asks “How Black is that?” about various things, then plays a 2 Chainz melody on the piano.
Bitch, What’s The Answer?Summary: Game show host (Jamie Foxx) gives white contestants a hard time for failing to answer vague quiz show questions.
J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with (Jamie Foxx). Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.
Alex Cross 2: Madea: Special OpsSummary: Tyler Perry (Jamie Foxx) performs dual lead roles as Detctive Alex Cross and his new sidekick Madea.
Ne-Yo performs “Let Me Love You”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mrs. Claus (Aidy Bryant) is eager for a little alone time when Santa finally goes to work on Christmas Eve. Ding Dong (Jamie Foxx) is bitter that the Hostess bankruptcy only means no more Twinkies for the average consumer.
Dylan McDermott or Dermot MulroneySummary: Black contestants (Jay Pharoah, Jamie Foxx, Kenan Thompson) are challenged to differentiate between the two indistinguishable white celebrities. Transcript
Marcus Banks: Tree PimpSummary: Former pimp Marcus Banks (Kenan Thompson) treats Christmas trees the same way he used to treat his hos. Transcript
Maine JusticeSummary: Inexplicably, a southern judge (Jason Sudeikis) and other transplants from New Orleans now run a courtroom in Bangor, Maine. Transcript
Ne-Yo performs “She Is”
Swarovski CrystalsSummary: Former porn stars (Vanessa Bayer, Cecily Strong, Jamie Foxx) plug the cost-conscious alternative to real diamonds. Transcript
[ open on brick wall, with “THE STAND OFF” imprinted on it ]
[ pan over to reveal three men each standing with a pair of guns pointed at one another in a dark parking garage ]
Gangster #1: : Where’s the hard drive, Hanson?
Hanson: When I get my money, you’ll get your hard drive.
Gangster #2: That doesn’t work for me. I want both.
[ music intensifies, as everyone remains pointed at one another via extreme close-ups of their scrunched-up faces ]
Gangster #2: [ checks his watch ] Can we hurry this up?
Gangster #1: You got somewhere you need to be?
Gangster #2: Yeah. I gotta pick up my kid from dance class.
Hanson: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.
Gangster #2: Yeah? Well, try and stop me.
[ music intensifies as he steps toward his car, the circle of men and guns following without breaking up the circle ]
Gangster #2: [ looking around ] The keys are in my pocket.
[ suddenly, the three men, with guns pointed, are sitting in a cab ]
Gangster #2: 11th and Avenue A, please!
[ the cab arrives at the dance class ]
Girl: Daddy!
Gangster #2: Hi, sweetheart!
[ she runs up to the circle of men and hugs her daddy ]
[ cut to the man reading “Goodnight, Moon” to his daughter in bed, with the other two men still within the circle pointing their guns ]
[ cut to the three men asleep in bed, until one stirs in bed and they all wake with a start and cock their guns at one another ]
[ cut to the three men together in the shower the next morning, with guns still pointing ]
[ cut to Thanksgiving dinner, the three men amid the family with guns pointing ]
Wife: I guess… I’ll go first? I… am… thankful for… my family.
[ cut to the three men, with backs turned, at public urinals ]
[ cut to the three men ice-skating with guns pointing ]
[ cut to the three men walking away from the skating rink, with guns still pointing ]
Gangster #2: That was actually a lot of fun!
Gangster #1: Yeah!
Gangster #2: You’re a good skater.
Hanson: Thanks!
[ suddenly, Adam Levine walks up ]
Adam Levine: Hey, guys!
[ the three men cock their guns and point them at Levine, who points his guns at them ]
Adam Levine: I’m looking 34th and 5th?
Gangster #2: You just passed it. A few blocks back that way.
Adam Levine: [ he lifts his guns ] Thanks.
[ Levine backs up and walks away, as the three men cock their guns and resume facing one another ]
Gangster #1: That was Adam Levine.
Hanson: [ excited ] That was Adam Levine?!
Gangster #2: I think so.
[ cut to the three men back in the parking garage ]
Gangster #2: Let’s do it Any last words?
Hanson: Yeah. [ as the music swells ] These have been the greatest few days of my life. You can keep the hard drive and the money — I don’t want it! I mean… what you guys have given me is more valuable than any —
[ suddenly, the other two men repeatedly open fire on him, even continuing to shoot long after he’s obviously dead ]
[ after a moment, the remaining two men point their guns at one another… and wait ]
Gangster #1: [ checking his watch ] Hey, listen. I have to let my cats outside.
[ the other man nods, and they slowly walk away without lowering their guns ]
[ just for good measure, they each fire upon their fallen comrade once more ]
Announcer: It’s that time of year again — The Holidays! This season, don’t waste your time on the white beaches of Hawaii.
[ dissolve to aerial footage of “Your Hometown” ]
Announcer: Instead, why not visit the sunny, paved streets of your hometown?
[ dissolve to suburban house, as Man’s parents open the door with big smiles on their faces ]
Announcer: There, you’ll enjoy four-star accomodations at your childhood home.
[ dissolve to Mom on exerise equipment in Man’s bedroom ]
Announcer: Featuring an all-access gym — located, conveniently, in your room! Along with a 24-hour business center — also in your room!
[ reveal Dad using the computer on the other side of Mab’s bed ]
[ dissolve to the breakfast table ]
Announcer: Enjoy long, long Continental breakfast.
[ dissolve to the living room ]
Announcer: Unwind in front of the deepest TV ever sold.
[ dissolve to Mom carrying towels into the bedroom ]
Announcer: And pamper yourself with scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994.
[ dissolve to basement ]
Announcer: Your childhood home offers a wide range of on-site activity. You could always clean out this box of stuff, or it’s going to be thrown away…
[ dissolve to yard ]
Announcer: Or — pick up these sticks.
[ dissolve to Dad changing a light bulb in his tight underwear ]
Announcer: And our attentive staff is there to assist you with anything that may come up.
[ cut to Man standing in a K-Mart parking lot ]
Announcer: Who needs snorkeling and parasailing — when you can check out the new K-Mart? And while you’re at it, check out the old K-Mart — which is now a closed Michael’s.
[ cut to Man driving in his parents’ car ]
Announcer: Or drive around listening to the only CD your Mom owns.
[ cut to random locations ]
Announcer: Plus: Your Hometown offers exotic destinations for smoking weed — like this swing… the train track… and Matt’s hot tub.
[ dissolve to exterior of high school ]
Announcer: If you’re in for a day trip, drive on down to your old high school to visit your old teacher… then think, “Why would I do this?”, and leave.
[ dissolve to movie theater ]
Announcer: Or go see a movie — by yourself.
[ reveal a high school classmate working at the concession stand ]
Announcer: Oh, look! It’s someone from your high school! How fun!
[ dissolve to aerial view of Your Hometown ]
Announcer: So book your tickets to Your Hometown today!
[ dissolve to Mom holding up bagged goods ]
Announcer: And bring home some souveniers that you’ll just have to leave at the airport.
[ dissolve to Man carrying the bagged good down the walk, as Mom and tight underwear-clad Dad with garden hose wave goodbye ]
Announcer: Your Hometown. We’d love you to stay for a week — but we’ll settle for three days!
[ SUPER: “Your Hometown: Brought to you by the Your Hometown Board of Tourism” ]
Jeremy Renner: Thanks to… Maroon 5! Governor Chris Christie! Lorne welcome… Lorne Michaels — Happy Birthday! [ everyone cheers wildly ] The cast and crew — thank you!! Great audience! New York, have a great Saturday night! You’re amazing!
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Air Date:
The New York City Children’s Chorus performs “Silent Night”
Summary: Martin Short dances through the halls and sings about how Christmas is the horniest time of the year.
Summary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) younger brother Jerry (Kenan Thompson) joins hi for Christmas festivities and an interview with Kanye West (Jay Pharoah).
Summary: Rupert Smythe Pennington (Martin Short), a representative of the Royal Family, outlines the unusual requirements that Kate Middleton’s doctor (Bill Hader) will need to perform throughout her pregnancy.
Summary: The Brooklynese version of a Charlie Brown Christmas stars Al Pacino (Bill Hader) as Charlie Brown, with Larry David (Martin Short) as Linus and many other celebrities.
Summary: Bar Mitzvah Boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Chanukah as though performing a comedy roast. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) has some choice rambling comments about the real meaning of Christmas.
Summary: In a special salute to Christmas, Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Samuel L. Jackson and Carrie Brownstein.
Summary: Old friends Mark (Fred Armisen) and Dennis (Martin Short) run into each other at Restoration Hardware during the Christmas holidays, and catch up on old, odd times.
Summary: Caleb (Martin Short) auditions to sing, but is reluctant to let his triangle player Monty (Paul McCartney) perform a song.
Transcript
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) comforts John Boehner (Bill Hader) from the bullying he’s received at the hands of his fellow Republicans following failed fiscal cliff negotiations.
Summary: Jamie Foxx asks “How Black is that?” about various things, then plays a 2 Chainz melody on the piano.
Summary: Game show host (Jamie Foxx) gives white contestants a hard time for failing to answer vague quiz show questions.
Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with (Jamie Foxx).
Summary: Tyler Perry (Jamie Foxx) performs dual lead roles as Detctive Alex Cross and his new sidekick Madea.
Summary: Mrs. Claus (Aidy Bryant) is eager for a little alone time when Santa finally goes to work on Christmas Eve. Ding Dong (Jamie Foxx) is bitter that the Hostess bankruptcy only means no more Twinkies for the average consumer.
