Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Coroner’s Office

Detective Nance…..Jason Sudeikis
Coroner Dan Gates…..Bill Hader
Mr. Calendar…..Jeremy Renner
Brother…..Taran Killam

[ open in Coroner’s office ]

Detective Nance: Mr. Calender, I’m Detectice Nance; this is our Coroner, Dan Gates. Now, when was the last time you saw your brother alive?

Mr. Calender: Last night, we got some dinner… and I dropped him off down the street from his apartment.

Detective Nance: Okay. Well, I know this must be very difficult, but we need you to identify the body.

Mr. Calender: I understand.

Detective Nance: Okay. Uh, Dan? Can you pull back the sheet, please?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Detective Nance: Can you see me…? — Uh, can you tell me who you see there?

Mr. Calender: Yeah. [ he clears his throat ] I’m sorry.

Detective Nance: No, no, that’s okay. Take your time. I know this is tough.

Mr. Calender: [ a beat ] It’s Steven Tyler.

Detective Nance: [ stunned ] I — I — I’m sorry?

Mr. Calender: It’s the singer Steven Tyler, from Aerosmith.

Detective Nance: Hmm. No… no, that’s not him. Steven Tyler is actually still alive, and… and doesn’t look anything like that.

Mr. Calender: Oh. I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous… I-I’ve never done anything like this…

Detective Nance: That’s fine, that’s fine. I understand. This can be very upsetting. Let’s start over, Dan, shall we? We’re gonna start over, okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Now, remember — we have strong evidence that this is your brother. We just need you to confirm his identity. You ready?

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Okay. Dan?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: That is, uh… Yao Ming.

Detective Nance: No! No, no, it’s not!

Mr. Calender: You sure?

Detective Nance: Yeah! I’m SURE! Yao Ming is a seven-foot tall LIVING man!

Mr. Calender: Oh. Okay, I just guessed he looked a little different without the jersey… I don’t know, man! Like you said, this can be really difficult!

Detective Nance: Well, it’s not THIS difficult! Okay? Look, uh — alright, just to reiterate: We believe this is a person that you KNOW!

Mr. Calender: Got it.

Detective Nance: Okay! Dan!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Oh, it’s you!

Coroner: Wowwww!

Detective Nance: NO!!! No, it’s not ME!! Let’s start over! Let’s start over! Okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Here we go. A few ground rules to keep in mind: It’s someone you know…

Mr. Calender: Right.

Detective Nance: Who’s no longer with us…

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Because they’re DEAD!

Mr. Calender: O-kayyy…

Detective Nance: Which means they’re not alive…?

Mr. Calender: Right, right, right, right!

Detective Nance: Okay, alright! We’re, basically, just asking you to confirm that this is your brother! You got it?

Mr. Calender: Okayyy…

Detective Nance: Okay, so who is this?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Is it two people?

Detective Nance: Oh, my God! Alright! Oh, my God… okay.

Mr. Calender: No, wait a minute! Is this like a “Sixth Sense” thing, where it turns out he’s alive and we’re all dead?

[ Dan begins to rub his hands all over the dead man’s face and tap his chest like a set of drums ]

Detective Nance: No! No! I kind of wish we were all dead right now. Okay? KLook, I’m gonna level with you 100%, alright? We’re 100% SURE that THIS is your brother! All we need from you is a simple comfirmation! It can be a “YES!” It can be a “NOT!” It can be a positive-sounding GRUNT! Just tell us something we can do to make this happen!

Mr. Calender: Maybe you can pull… pull the sheet back, and I’ll just run through a few guesses real fast.

Detective Nance: No, it dosn’t WORK like that, Sir!

Coroner: [ chuckling ] I kinda want to see what he’s gonna say!

Detective Nance: Okay, fine! Fine! Okay, ready! Let’s do it! Pull it back, here we go! [ Dan covers the body ] Ready? And… GO!!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Lucy Lui!

Detective Nance: No!!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: American Dream?

Detective Nance: That’s clever — but NO!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: Wait — can he guess who I am first?

Detective Nance: NO!! What are you TALKING about?!

Mr. Calender: Oh, my God! It’s JFK! WE SOLVED IT!! [ he throws his arms in the air ]

Detective Nance: Okay! Alright! Look! It is NOT JFK! Alright?

Mr. Calender: [ pointing to Dan ] It’s his brother!

Coroner: [ looking down ] Dennis?

Detective Nance: WHY would you think that’s your brother?

Coroner: I don’t know!

Mr. Calender: Morris Day and The Time?

Detective Nance: You think THIS man is Morris Day and the ENTIRE band… The Time?!

Mr. Calender: Maybe it’s just Morris and a couple of the guys…?

Detective Nance: Okay! This hasn’t been very much help! Thank you very much…

Mr. Calender: I-I-I just figured it out! It’s so simple!

Detective Nance: What?

Mr. Calender: Maybe my dead brother has bene insude all of us the entire time.

Detective Nance: No! Dude, we’re NOT looking for a MORAL! Okay? I think we’re done here, alright? Is there anyone else — ANYONE else here in the family that can I.D. this person?

Mr. Calender: Yeah, my brother. [ he taps the body ] Hey, Bro!

[ suddenly, the dead man rises ]

Brother: Yeah, man?

Detective Nance: What the…?!

[ Dan tries to look surprised ]

Mr. Calender: These guys want you to do something. They’ll explain it. I don’t get it.

Brother: Yeah, okay. I’ll see you at home, Bro!

Mr. Calender: Okay, see you later. [ he walks off ]

[ Nance looks curiously at Dan ]

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: He said he was dead?!

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: How does that work?

Brother: Ohhhh, I got it! I’m Yao Ming!

Detective Nance: No! No, you’re not! No, you’re not!

[ he lies the man back on the gurney and covers the shet over his head ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 17th, 2012

Jeremy Renner

Maroon 5

None

Gov. Chris Christie

None
BooknotesSummary: At a book club, Paula Broadwell (Cecily Strong) reads spicy passages from All In”, her personal biography of General David Petraeus.

Montage

Jeremy Renner’s MonologueSummary: Aspiring songwriter Jeremy Renner sings the rejected theme songs he wrote for each of his movies.

Your HometownSummary: Grown man (Taran Killam) makes the most of a visit to his hometown while staying in his parents’ (Bill Hader, Aidy Bryant) house.

Transcript

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart’s (Fred Armisen) family Thanksgiving dinner reveals an illegitimate child among overexaggerated valley accents and driving directions within every conservation.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Trey, Maid.

The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) attempts to uncover the identity of socialite Jill Kelley while interviewing the supposed Mayor of Tampa, Florida (Jeremy Renner) and repeatedly playing footage of Kelley walking to her car.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer.

The Stand OffSummary: Three determined gangsters (Taram Killam, Jeremy Renner, Bobby Moynihan) keep their guns pointed at one another throughout a series of unusual circumstances.

Transcript

Maroon 5 performs “One More Night”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers reviews the Winners/Losers of the General Petraeus sex scandal. Comedian Katt Williams (Jay Pharoah) addresses his recent string of controversies. Governor Chris Christie gives a status report on recovery efforts in New Jersey following Hurricane Sandy.

The AvengersSummary: While avenging a crime spree, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) takes a lot of flak from his fellow superheroes for running out of arrows.

Movie SetSummary: While filming a tense dramatic scene, action star Dick Fuel (Jason Sudeikis) flinches whenever Jeremy Renner is about to slap him.

Maroon 5 performs “Daylight”

Midnight SnackSummary: In an animated film by Zach Kakin and Rob Klein, the “Cool Drones” fight terrorism by day and perform as a boy band by night.

Coroner’s OfficeSummary: Mr. Calendar (Jeremy Renner) can’t follow the concept behind identifying whether or not a dead body is that of his brother (Taran Killam).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ThanksgivingSummary:

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Election Night

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney…..Kate McKinnon
Tagg Romney, Matt Romney, Josh Romney…..Taran Killam
Karl Rove…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, “Mitt Romney’s House — Election Night” ]

[ dissolve to Romney standing on balcony ]

Mitt Romney: Ah, darn it! Darn it all to HECK! [ he chigs from a carton of milk ]

Ann Romney: Mitt? Mitt?

[ Mitt tosses the empty carton over the balcony as Ann steps forward ]

Ann Romney: Hello, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Ann!

Ann Romney: What are you doing out on the balcony all alone?

Mitt Romney: Ohhh… I’m just thinking.

Ann Romney: You ran a wonderful campaign, Mitt. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Mitt Romney: Hmm… Thank you, Ann. You’re a FINE woman! Abnd I’m LUCKY to have you!

Ann Romney: And I’m lucky to have you! Now, come inside, Mitt. It’s a wonderful party. Everyone’s here.

Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Ann. In a moment.

[ Ann steps back inside ]

[ Mitt waits, then he pulls a hidden milk carton from under a potted plant, cracks it open and chugs ]

Mitt Romney: I still love you, America! I DO! But you’ve hurt my feelings very, very much!

Tagg Romney: Father!

[ Mitt hides the milk carton as Tagg Romney approaches ]

Tagg Romney: Hello, Father.

Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Tagg!

Tagg Romney: I’m so VERY angry, Father!

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Tagg Romney: I wish I could PUNCH America in the FACE! I DO, I TELL YOU!!

Mitt Romney: Now, now, now… It’s not a time for anger, Tagg.

Tagg Romney: So what’s next for you, Father?

Mitt Romney: Well… I don’t know, there’s so much I want to see and do. I’d like to learn how may-o-naisse is made — as I like mayonaisse very, very much.

Tagg Romney: Come inside, Father.

Mitt Romney: In a moment, Tagg. In a moment.

[ Tagg steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ]

Matt Romney: Father!

[ another Romney son approaches ]

Mitt Romney: [ hiding his milk carton ] Well, Tagg, I-I thought I told you to give me a moment?

Matt Romney: I’m not Tagg! I’m Matt! One of your other sons!

Mitt Romney: Oh. Of course! Of course, of course! Hello, Matt.

Matt Romney: Mother sent me to come get you, Father.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Matt Romney: Paul Ryan is dong feats of strength in the drawing room. She thought you’d like to see.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, well, I’d like to see him carry WISCONSIN!!

Matt Romney: Father!

Mitt Romney: Now, I’m sorry… that was uncalled for, I’m sorry.

Matt Romney: Have you been drinking? You smell like a dairy.

Mitt Romney: [ he holds up his milk carton ] What do you say… do you care to share a drink with your old man, huh?

Matt Romney: Father! I’m only 38! Now, come inside.

Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Matt. In a moment.

[ Matt steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ]

[ suddenly, Karl Rove approaches ]

Karl Rove: Hello, Mitt!

Mitt Romney: Hello, Karl Rove.

Karl Rove: I still think you can win Ohio. Look… now might not be the best time, but, uh… could I borrow $300 million…? Is that possible…?

[ Mitt grabs Rove and tosses him over the balcony ]

Karl Rove: I’m okay!

Josh Romney: Father!

[ another Romney son approaches ]

Mitt Romney: Oh, uh… Hello, uh…?

Josh Romney: Josh.

Mitt Romney: That’s right! Hello, my son, Josh!

Josh Romney: Now, please come inside, Father. Donald Trump is doing a very amusing thing where he’s racist.

Mitt Romney: Ah. You know what? In a moment, my son, Josh. In a moment.

Josh Romney: Okay.

[ Josh steps back inside ]

[ Mitt looks around for more stashes of milk, then removes his shoe and pulls a carton out of the heel ]

[ Ann once again approaches ]

Ann Romney: Mitt, the boys are worried! They’ve never seen you like this!

Mitt Romney: [ he tosses his carton over the balcony ] Oh, I’m fine! I’m fine, my dear Ann, I’m fine.

[ soft music begins to play ]

Ann Romney: Do you need another moment out here, Mitt?

Mitt Romney: Well, I’d like a moment with you. I’d like that very much. Perhaps we can stand on this balcony together, with our arms around each other.

Ann Romney: Well, I’d also like that very much.

[ Mitt steals a kiss from Ann’s lips ]

Ann Romney: [ amazed ] My, oh my! What has gotten into you?

Mitt Romney: Ohhh… oh, I don’t know, maybe TEN GALLONS OF MILK! Huh?

Ann Romney: Willard Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney: Ah, I’m gonna be very, very sick tomorrow! But I’m also gonna be okay. Because I have you. Thank you, Ann.

Ann Romney: Thank you, Mitt!

[ music swells, as a heart superimposes over the couple, with the words “Mitt & Ann Forever” on the screen ]

Together: And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Anne Hathaway’s Monologue

…..Anne Hathaway
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anne Hathaway!

Anne Hathaway: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, my goodness, I am SO excited to be hosting “SNL” — for the THIRD time! Oh, man! I gotta say that nothing compaeres to a week at “SNL”. We are here for six long days. We’re just writing and rehearsing… and then it’s DONE. Which is kind of different from the five months I spent rehearsing and filming “Les Mis”. So, it —

[ Jason Sudeikis appears onstage, as the audience cheers ]

Jason Sudeikis: You’re right! You’re right, Anne! “SNL” is a wild ride!

Anne Hathaway: [ laughing ] Jason! Your clothes are so puffy!

Jason Sudeikis: You know, Anne… you learn something after you’ve been here for EIGHT seasons — two as a writer! — and that is to CHERISH your Sundays! Monday is right around the corner! But that just makes Sunday aaaaallll the sweeter! Oh! That sweet, SWEET Sunday!

[ music pots up ]

Anne Hathaway: Wait… what’s happening?

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“One day more!”

Anne Hathaway: Oh, I know what’s happening.

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“Tonight, we’ll do our jobs and do them well
But then, tomorrow, we’ll be chill as hell!
Tonight, we’ll do our funny act
But Sunday, we’ll be kicking back
One day morrrrrrrre!”

[ Taran Killam and Cecily Strong appear ]

Taran Killam: [ singing ]
“Cannot wait until Sundayyyyyyy
I’ll sleep ’til noon and then, make chili.”

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“One day morrrrre!”

Taran Killam & Cecily Strong: [ singing ]
“Tomorrow, we’ll see “Wreck-it Ralph”
And then, we’ll stuff our face with… chili.”

Anne Hathaway: [ singing ]
“One more day ’til I go hooooooome!”

Taran Killam & Cecily Strong: [ singing ]
“Will we ever meet again?”

Anne Hathaway: [ singing ]
“One more day dealing with Jason!”

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“I was — ” Wait! What do you mean? Did I do something…?

Anne Hathaway: [ singing ]
“What a how I could have donnnnne!If they’d let me play Stefooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: [ singing ]
“One more day before I voooooooote!”

Anne Hathaway: Wait! Kenan, you didn’t vote?

Kenan Thompson: [ singing ]
“This will beeee a great electionnnnnnnn!”

Anne Hathaway: No, man, it’s over! It was Tuesday!

Kenan Thompson: [ singing ]
“I think I’ll vote for Ron Pauuuuuuuuulllll!”

Anne Hathaway: [ looking off-screen ] Wait, does he seriously not know?!

Kenan Thompson: [ singing ]
“Or I’ll write in… Chhaka Khaaaaaaaaannnnn!”

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“One day morrrre!”

[ Tim Robinson and Aidy Bryant appear ]

Tim Robinson & Aidy Bryant: [ singing ]
“Sunday’s not that long!
The second day is true!
We’re not in the show that much ’cause we are new!”

Taran Killam: [ singing ]
“Sunday’s! The day! We all… have… seeeeeeeexxxxx!!”

Jason Sudeikis: [ singing ]
“One day morrrrrrrrrrre!!”

[ the rest of the cast appears ]

All: [ singing ]
“One day until it’s Sundaaaaayyyyyyyy!!
One more day until it’s Sunday!
Tomorrow we’ll discover what our one-day weekend has in storrrrrrrre!
One… more… dawwwwwwwwnn!!
One more dayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
One day morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!!!!!!”

Anne Hathaway: We’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! Rihanna is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

The Legend of Mokiki and the Sloppy Swish

Narrator…..Kenan Thompson
Mokiki…..Taran KIllam
Girl…..Anne Hathaway

[ SUPER: “The Legend of Mokiki and the Sloppy Swish” ]

[ cut to Narrator standing atop the city ]

Narrator: The island of Manhattan! full of life AND history! And mystery!

[ bouncy music starts to play ]

Narrator: [ singing ]
“There’s legend in this city and this legend is a man
Who he is and where he comes from, it is hard to understand.
He’s a creature like no other and his name is Mokiki
He wanders cross the island doing just one thing:”

[ cut to Mokiki standing in the street ]

Narrator: [ singing ] “Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish.”

[ in the street, Mokiki does his Sloppy Swish as unsuspecting pedestrians watch with great confusion ]

Narrator:
“Look at him MOVE!Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish!”

[ a girl passes Mokiki in the subway and watches him with great awe ]

Narrator:
“He’ll hypnotize you!”

[ spirals surround her and appear in her eyes ]

Narrator: [ singing ]
“Mokiki roams the street, he appears without a sound
He does his Sloppy Swish, ???
What is the Sloppy Swish? It’s a move that is outrageous
You try it, you may like it, because it is CONTAGIOUS!

[ the girl spies on Mokiki from behind a brick wall ]

[ Mokiki intrudes on other people in the streert and in the park ]

Narrator: [ singing ]
“Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
He does not respect personal space!
Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
He’s most likely carrying diseases!

Some say he comes from Norway, some say he is a spirit
His police report will tell the truth, if you wish to hear it.
His real name’s Thomas Furke, used to be a lab test dummy
Submitting to experiments to make a little money.
He lives in a wine bottle submarine, and his best friend is a glove
But one question that I have: Can Mokiki fall in love?”

[ the girl sits next to Mokiki at a park bench ]

Girl: Forgive this intrusion, but… I think you’re magnificent. Tell me your secrets, please? You can trust me.

[ Mokiki leans over as if to kiss her, but instead spews green liquid at her face ]

Narrator: [ singing ]
“Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
His venom’s a side effect from his experiments!
Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
It makes his dance LITERALLY contagious!”

[ the girl transforms into a female Mokiki look-alike ]

Narrator: [ singing ]
“Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
Everybdoy’s doing it!
Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish
They’re starting a family!

It’s a really stupid dance… created by a crazy person.”

[ the baby rises on the screen and spews green liquid at the camera ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

McDonald’s Firing

Gloria, Manager…..Anne Hathaway
Carl…..Tim Robinson
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Angie…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian…..Bill Hader
Kimmy…..Nasim Pedrad
Andrew…..Taran Killam
Nelliot…..Kenan Thompson
Don…..Jason Sudeikis
Beverly…..Aidy Bryant
Randy…..Jay Pharoah
Seth Bogen…..Fred Armisen
Martha…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on McDonald’s staff meeting ]

Manager: Okay. Alright, guys. Staff meeting! Circle up, everybody, let’s go! Oh, but Carl — you stay on the fryer, just in case.

Carl: You can count on me, Boss!

Manager: Unfortunately, this is the kind of meeting I just… I just hate. I-I — I’m warning you, guys, I jave some bad news. Well, sales are down… so we’re gonna have to make some cutbacks. I’m going to let some people go.

Niff: Ohhhhh!!

Dana: Yeah! right! We KNOW who you’re gonna FIRE!!

Niff: Yeah, we know it’s US!! You ALL hate US!!

Dana: And WE hate all of YOU!!

Niff: Mmm-hmm!

Manager: Uh, guys? Guys? Just please, just let me finish…

Niff: No! No! Because if you’re FIRINg us, they’re we’re going out on top like SEINFELD!!

Dana: Yeah! I got a FAREWELL CARD for all y’all tricks!! ANGIE!! You a JERK!! You just MEAN!!

Niff: Yeah! You as MEAN as a JUNKYARD DOG, Angie! and I wish you was never born into this WORLD!!

Dana: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! You a BITCH!!

Niff: Yeah! You a stone-cold BITCH, Angie!!

Manager: Ohhhhh-kay, guys, just please… just stop!

Dana: NO!! We just gettin’ STARTED!! Ohhhh, Briannnnnn!

Niff: Brian! Every day, I wake up and I think, “Yo! Is TODAY the day I punch that fool, Brian, until he DIES?!”

Dana: Yeah! Brian! Your breath smell like CREAM CORN, and you ain’t even EAT no cream corn today!! Ooh! YOUR turn, Kimmy!

Niff: KIMMY!!

Dana: Kimmy! Are you ALWAYS on your period?! You are like ONE… BIG… PERIOD!!

Niff: Yeah! You should be at the END of a SENTENCE, you HUGE PERIOD!! You be creepin’ me out!!

Manager: Okay… guys, guys! This is inappropriate.

Dana: I’ll TELL YOU what’s INAPPROPRIATE!! AN-DREW!!

Niff: Ooh, Andrew! You ain’t got NOTHIN’ behind those eyes! You a SNEAK!!

[ reveal Andrew staring at Niff behind psychotic eyes ]

Dana: Yeah! Yeah, Andrew, I’m pretty sure you’re a SERIAL KILLER!!

Niff: Uh-huh!

Dana: And if you lookin’ for someone to kill NEXT… might I suggest NELLIOTTTTT?!!!

Niff: Oooohhhh, Nelliott!! Oh, you are a MOOSEHEAD MORION, Nelliott! And, by the way, what the HELL kind of name is NELLIOTT?!!

Dana: Well… your name is Niff.

Niff: Yeah! It’s short for KEN-Niff…

Together: BITCH!!

Manager: Okay, guys…

Niff: [ he shoves her aside ] Get OUT of here!

Dana: Okay! Who’s next?! Ooooohhh, Doug!

Niff: Ohhhhhh, Don SUCKS!! You look like a APE with a BOWL CUT, man! I want to KNIFE you in the CHEST!

Dana: Doug, you a THIEF! You stole my HEART! I LOVED you!

Don: Well… this is the first I’ve heard of this… [ he holds up his hand to reveal a wedding ring ] I’m married.

Dana: That’s on YOU!!

Niff: Yeah, Don! You dropped the BALL, Don! You dropped the BALL!!

Manager: Alright, guys, come on. That’s enough…

Dana: SIX more! Beverlyyyyyy!!

Niff: Don’t even think you’re gettin’ off easy, Beverly, just ’cause you still got NO POWER!

Dana: Yeah! I KNOW you copied those Mad Libs, Beverly! Ain’t NOBODY that funny!

Niff: No, HELL, no! And let’s talk about Seth Bogen for a minute!

Dana: Quit TALKIN’ about how your name sounds like Seth ROGEN!!

Together: BITCH!!!

Seth Bogen: I-i-it does.

Dana: But that ain’t a STORY!!

Niff: Yeah! A story got a beginnin’, a middle, and a END!!

Dana: Yeah, that’s barely an ANECDOTE!

Niff: Yeah, you a BITCH, Seth BOGEN!!

Dana: BITCH!!

Manager: Hoo! Guys… guys…

Niff: NO!! We got RIGHTS!! And if you gonna FIRE us, you gotta HEAR US OUT!!

Dana: Hey! New Guy! What’s your name again?!

Randy: Uh… I’m Randy, uh… I’ve worked here for six months.

Niff: [ mimicking ] Ohhh… “I’m Randy! I’ve worked here for six months!” Yo! This is Randy talkin’ to Randy:

Together: [ spazzing out ] “Ba da ba baaaa! GO KILL YOURSELF!!”

[ they high-five one another ]

Niff: DAMN!!

Dana: DAMN!!

Brian: [ shaking his head ] You guys rehearse this?

Together: MAY-BEEEE!!

Dana: Ohhh!! MARTHA! I’ve NEVER liked you! Guess what?! We all KNOW you smoke in the BEEF FRIDGE!!

Niff: Yeah! People gotta EAT that BEEF, Martha! And, by the way, I SAW your weird leg, Martha! Bitch look like a CHEESE DOODLE! Whart, did you get BURNED?!

Martha: [ serious ] Yes.

[ Niff and Dana stare at one another for a moment with regret ]

Together: MOVIN’ ON!!

Niff: Yo! Where Patrick at?!

Manager: He called in sick.

Dana: Get! That! FOOL on the PHONE!!

[ Niff dials Patrick on his iPhone, then turns the speaker up ]

Voice: Hello?

Dana: Get a cheaper haircut!!

Niff: You sound DUMB on the PHONE!!

Voice: Who is this?!

Together: CLICK!!

[ Niff hangs up ]

Manager: Alright! You’ve insulted everyone —

Niff: Oh, no, no, no!

Dana: Oh, ho, ho!

Niff: ‘Cause, then… there was CARL!

Dana: Ooooohhhhh, Carl!

[ Carl runs out of the kitchen ]

Carl: Hot dog, my ears are ringing!

Dana: Carl, you are the WORST of them all!

Niff: Yeah, man! You too OLD to be working at McDonald’s, you hefty NUMBSKULL!

Dana: Yeah, Carl! You remind me of a DOLL no one wants to buy! So they just STOP making that doll, eventually!

Niff: Yeah, you a GOOFY GUS, Carl! NONE of us want to come to your above-ground pool…

Together: SO STOP ASKING!!

Dana: You a mushroom, punk!

Niff: You a old boot!

Manager: Alright, Dana! Niff! I-I’m not firing you! You’re my top sellers, and customers LOVE you! [ a beat ] I’m firing Carl!

Niff: [ embarrassed ] Oh. Well, now I feel like an old boot…

Dana: Sorry, Carl… that is tough. I know you just bought that above-ground pool…

Carl: Don’t worry about me! Easy come, easy go! [ he waves goodbye and leaves ]

Niff: Oh, such a good guy…

Dana: Yeah, yeah…

Niff: Alright, guys! Good meeting, okay? But those nuggets ain’t gonna make themselves!

Dana: Yeah, hands in! McDonald’s, on THREE!

Together: 1! 2! 3!

[ no one joins them ]

Dana: That makes sense!

Niff: No, we get it! I understand. We said “Bitch!” a lot…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Homeland

Suspect…..Fred Armisen
David Estes…..Kenan Thompson
Saul Berenson…..Bill Hader
Nicolas Brody…..Taran Killam
Carrie Mathison…..Anne Hathaway
Dana Brody…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Showtime graphics ]

[ dissolve to “Homeland” opening graphics ]

[ dissolve to set ]

David Estes: [ glancing at monitor ] There he is: Abu Nazir’s number two in custody. Good work, Saul.

Saul Berenson: Well, if we’re handing out mazel tovs, we couldn’t have done it without Brody.

Nicolas Brody: [ mumbling ] Happy to help.

David Estes: I-I’m sorry, what?

Nicolas Brody: Happy to help.

David Estes: Yes, it’s your mouth, it’s so small, it’s hard to get the words.

Nicolas Brody: Happy… to… help…

David Estes: Saul, I want you to do the interrogation.

Saul Berenson: With all due respect, David, I think Carrie should do it.

David Estes: Are you sure Carrie is emotionally stable enough for this?

Saul Berenson: What makes you think she’s not?

David Estes: Well, just look at her!

[ reveal Carrie spazzing out ]

Saul Berenson: David, is it because she’s a woman?

David Estes: No, it’s because she’s washing down pills with white wine.

Saul Berenson: I trust her, David.

David Estes: Sorry, Saul, I can’t do it.

Carrie Mathison: What’s going on here, David? Are you guys talking about me? Were you talking about me? Oh, hi, Brody! Are you leaving your wife for me? I’m just kidding… ah ah ah, ha ha…

Saul Berenson: Listen, Carrie, for some reason, David doesn’t want you to do the interrogation.

Carrie Mathison: No! David, no, no! David, no, no! David, no, no, no!

Saul Berenson: She makes some good points, David.

David Estes: Carrie, why don’t you give us a minute?

Carrie Mathison: And do what?

Saul Berenson: Would you like to pin some pictures to that corkboard?

Carrie Mathison: Yes, I would really like that! [ she retreats to the corkboard ]

Saul Berenson: She loves her corkboard. David, she’s only let me down every time I trusted her. Give me one reason not to trust her again.

David Estes: Well, she had sex with the last person she interrogated.

Saul Berenson: Give me one more reason.

David Estes: Well, look what she did to that corkboard in, like, ten seconds!

[ reveal corkboard completely filled ]

Nicolas Brody: I have to go — my family’s gonna wonder where I am.

David Estes: Can you not open your mouth any wider?

Nicolas Brody: I have to go.

David Estes: Did you just do all your breathing through your nose, then?

Carrie Mathison: [ holding up drawing ] Hey everyone, look, I made a drawing of me and Brody kissing… for the investigation.

Nicolas Brody: That’s a secret that only everyone knows!

David Estes: Well, this couldn’t get any worse…

[ suddenly, Brody’s daughter enters, brooding ]

Saul Berenson: Oh no, Brody’s daughter.

Dana Brody: Dad? Dad, are you here? Dad? Dad? Dad, are you here?

David Estes: How’d she walk into a CIA facility?

Saul Berenson: She just shows up places.

Dana Brody: [ standing next to Carrie ] Dad, who is this? When are you coming home, Dad?

Carrie Mathison: Hi Dana, I’m Carrie! I’m your new mommy!

Dana Brody: Dad, no!

Nicolas Brody: Carrie, enough! You leave me and my family alone, do you understand?

[ suddenly, Carrie starts really freaking out, her face all over the place ]

David Estes: Oh no, this isn’t good: there goes the chin!

Saul Berenson: She’s having one of her jazz freak-outs.

David Estes: Just look at her, it’s like she makes her mouth turn fully upside down! Her eyes seem to be looking five directions at once! It’s like her whole face is chewing gum!

Saul Berenson: She’s a rock, David, nothing gets to her.

Carrie Mathison: David, David, Glavid, Ron!

Saul Berenson: She’s the best in the biz.

David Estes: No, I made my decision: Carrie is not doing the interrogation.

Saul Berenson: Let me tell you something one of only ten rabbis once told me. Sometimes, wisdom is found in the craziest people.

David Estes: What?! Okay, you convinced me. Carrie can go with it.

Nicolas Brody: She’s already in there, and she’s already having sex with him.

[ reveal Carrie making out with the suspect, as Dana enters [

Dana Brody: Dad, are you there? Dad, I hit something with the car, Dad.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Anne Hathaway
…..Rihanna

Anne Hathaway: Thank you so much to Rihanna! What a goddess! Oh, my God!

Rihanna: Thank you!

[ the audience cheers ]

Anne Hathaway: Thank you! This week has been incredible, I can’t believe… this is life! Uh, I just want to say “Thank you so much” to Lorne, to Higgins — thank you to THIS CAST! This is an AMAZING cast! The crew! To the writers! To the pages! Um… thank you so much to Katie Holmes and Clare Danes! [ she blows them a kiss ] You’re the best! Um… [ to Rihanna ] Who do you want to thank?

Rihanna: My Mom!

Anne Hathaway: Thank you so much, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7

12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Tara…..Anne Harthaway

[ open on theme montage ]

Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]

Kyra: Oh, my God! Hi!

Morgan: Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”!

Kyra: This is a show where we just sit and talk like girlfriends do! This is my best friend Morgan!

Morgan: Hi! And this is my best friend Kyra!

Kyra: What up!

Morgan: [ looking to the side ] And, uh… I don’t know who this girl is.

Kyra: Oh! I’m sorry! This is a NEW best friend of mine — Tara!

Tara: Hi! It’s so good to see you again!

Kyra: Yeah, I know! Look at you — you’re the COOLEST!

Tara: You look real cool, too! I’m SO glad we became best friends!

Morgan: [ laughing nervously ] Yeah! …How many best friends do you have, Kyra?

Kyra: A girl can NEVER have enough best friends! Amiright, guys?

Morgan: I don’t know… can she? ‘Cause I only have one, and that’s you.

Kyra: Awesome! Okay! What’s our first topic? Tara?

Morgan & Tara: GUYS!!

Tara: Oh, my God… did you just say that with me? Because she told me I could say it.

Morgan: Well, that’s weird. Because, normally, I introduce the topics because I’m her best friend AND the co-host.

Kyra: Awesome! Okay! So, this question is for the boys — but only the cute ones!

Tara: Like those ones we saw the other night?

[ Kyra and Tara laugh ]

Morgan: What night?

Kyra: Awesome! So! Boys: What’s up with all the sports?

Tara: Yeah! I mean, you spend all your weekends watching it and talking about it, and then the rest of the week you play them on video games? What about us? Amiright?

Morgan: Okay, I just want to… I was, like, gonna say EVERY single thing that SHE just said. But… but, then, like, she jumped in so FAST, that I didn’t get a chance to say, like, ANY of it!

Kyra: Okay, just think of something else to say!

Morgan: Kyra, where did you meet this girl?

Kyra: [ smiling ] She’s so AWESOME! Um… I met her at Two Rivers Mall! She works at Forever 21!

Tara: Have you ever shopped there? The clothes really make you look SO like 21 years old! Amiright?

Morgan: [ desperately ] Yeah… yeah, it looks like clothes… DEAD women are found in!

Kyra: Don’t say that! Remember Denise?

Morgan: Well, there’s just, like, a million WAY better places to shop.

Tara: Like where? Name one.

Morgan: Uh… Skirt Warehouse? [ to Kyra ] Our favorite place? Remember?

Kyra: Skirt Warehouse? Morgan! What’s wrong with you?

Morgan: I don’t know. Skirt Warehouse can be cool if you’re there with your best friend…

Kyra: Since when? One time, I was in a Skirt Warehouse, and I saw a roach family climb out of a bin full of Tum-Angel Panties”, so I was like, “How did I get in this doody-girl’s place?”

Tara: Yeah! Like, omigod! It should be called Skirt and Roach Warehouse!

Kyra: Yeah!

Morgan: No! YOU should be called Roach Warehouse!

Kyra: You’re not making any sense today, Morgan.

Tara: Morgan? I like that name! It’s like “Captain Morgan”! Do you remember, Kyra? In the basement?

Kyra: [ laughing ] That was SO crazy!

Morgan: [ confused ] You have a basement…?

Kyra: Awesome! Alright! Let’s do our next topic!

Morgan: [ picking up a plate of muffins ] Bakingggg!

Kyra & Tara: BOYFRIENDS!!

Kyra: [ to Morgan ] Yeah — boyfriends.

[ Morgan puts the muffins away ]

Tara: Okay! So — my boyfriend gave me, like, THE most amazing gift! And I was, like, “Why?” And he was, like, “Because you are, totally, MY girlfriend!” And guess what I did? I sat in his lap and cried FACING OUT, so EVERYONE in the Food Court could see me.

Kyra: Wow! That’s a PERFECT romantic story! My boyfriend’s a little older He took me to a steak house and sat at a different table from me. He just watched me enjoy my steak. They even had CLOTH napkins! When I was walking out, his car pulled up and a tinted window rolled down, and the crack was big enough so I could see ONE eyeball. He winked at me and said, “Thanks for letting me watch you eat that sirloin!” My boyfriend’s CRAZY!

Tara: Hey, what about you, Morgan?

Morgan: Well —

Kyra: Her boyfriend DUMPED her!

Morgan: NO… I dumped… him!

Kyra: No, he dumped you, and then, like a week later, you called him and said, “I’m dumping you!”

Morgan: That’s not true! I told him, “Don’t you EVER come back!” and he said, “I’m not going to!” And — but I could tell by the way that he put his hand on my face, and PUSHED backwards… he was NOT entirely over me!

Tara: It kinda sounds like he was.

Morgan: Yeah, he WASN’T!! ROACH WAREHOUSE!! [ to Kyra ] This girl — like, she REALLY needs to go! She’s not even good at co-hosting.

Kyra: AWESOME!! Okay! So, next time on the show, our topic is gonna be…

Morgan: LANIARDS!

Kyra & Tara: EARRINGS!!

Kyra: Earrings!

Morgan: Yeah… it’s earrings.

Kyra: Awesome! Later, bye!

Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 10th, 2012

Anne Hathaway

Rihanna

None

None

None
Election NightSummary: A somber Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) chugs cartons of milk from his balcony as his disastrous election results pour in.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Ann Romney, Tagg Romney, Karl Rove.

Transcript

Montage

Anne Hathaway’s MonologueSummary: Anne Hathaway performs a “Les Miserables”-style musical number about how the cast of “Saturday Night Live” only gets one day off per week.

Transcript

Girlfriends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is threatened when best friend co-host Kyra (Cecily Strong) welcomes new best friend Tara (Anne Hathaway) to the topic couch.

Transcript

The Legend of Mokiki and the Sloppy SwishSummary: Narrator (Kenan Thompson) sings of the legend of Mokiki (Taran Killam), a mutated lab test dummy who dances the Sloppy Swish in the streets of Manhattan.

Transcript

HomelandSummary: Agent Carrie Mathison (Anne Hathaway) spazzes out during an investigation.

Transcript

McDonald’s FiringSummary: When the manager (Anne Hathaway) at McDonald’s calls a meeting to announce employee layoffs, (Bobby Moynihan) and (Cecily Strong) assume they’re first in line on the chopping block and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Transcript

Rihanna performs “Diamonds”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sums up his post-election thoughts and feelings. A Gay Couple from Maine (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) are thrilled that same-sex marriage has been passed by popular vote. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is unhappy about the results of the Presidential election.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Gay Couple, Drunk Uncle.

EllenSummary: After ten years on the air, the studio audience still loves to prompt an aging Ellen Degeneres (Kate McKinnon) to dance wildly.

Recurring Characters: Ellne Degeneres, Katie Holmes.

American GothicSummary: The origins of the stoic pose of the farm couple (Jason Sudeikis, Anne Hathaway) in Grant’s painting is revealed.

Rihanna performs “Stay”

FlaritinSummary: The fake Claritin that selfish people use to combat fake allergies.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts