Announcer…..Don Pardo Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg
FADE IN:
CUT TO: RED & GREEN HOLIDAY GRAPHIC — “MARK WAHLBERG TALKS TO CHRISTMAS ANIMALS”
Announcer: And now, Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas Animals!!
MARK WAHLBERG stands dead center, wearing a Santa hat with his cargo jacket attire.
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, I’m Mark Wahlberg. You guys know me! Right? Yeah! Let’s go talk to some Christmas animals.
[ A sheep scans its head back and forth. Mark kneels down to it. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey sheep! How’s it going? I like your fur. You were at the first Christmas, right? Did you know it was going to be a big thing?
[ The sheep continues to scan. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Okay. It was GREAT TO MEET YOU. Say hi to your mother for me, okay?
[ Mark stands up and goes to a partridge. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to a partridge.
[ Mark struts to the partridge. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey partridge! How’s it hanging? Where’s your pear tree!?
[ Mark turns to his left. There’s a pear tree next to him. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Oh! There’s it is. So you were in that song “The 12 Days of Christmas?” I was in “The Happening”. Did you see that movie?
[ The partridge faces its head down. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Okay. Talk to you later, partridge.
[ Mark moves over to a snowman. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to a snowman. Hey snowman! It’s nice to see you. How did you get in here with all these animals!? Youre not an animal!? YOURE A MAN!
[ The camera stays on the snowman for a beat or two. ]
Mark Wahlberg: I like your stick hands. I have real hands. But we can hang out! Just let me know. Say hi to your mother from me.
[ Mark moves over to a reindeer with a big, red nose. ]
Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to Rudolph. Long time, no see? I’m thinking of making an Entourage movie. You like that idea? Hey, Rudolph. Next time, you talk to Santa, tell him I want an Amazon Kindle. Okay? You hear me, Rudolph?
[ “Rudolph” doesn’t make eye contact with Mark. ]
Mark Wahlberg: An Amazon Kindle. Say hi to your mother for me.
CUT TO: PREVIOUS HOLIDAY GRAPHIC — “MARK WAHLBERG TALKS TO CHRISTMAS ANIMALS”
Announcer: This has been – Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas Animals.
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig James Dean…..James Franco Liberace…..Fred Armisen Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
[ open on TV Land logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching TV Land — which means you are a cat, in an empty apartment.
[ dissolve to Vincent Price on black-and-white set. The crow perched on his shoulder wears a Santa hat. ]
Vincent Price: Hoooo! Hoooo! Hoooo! Christmas! For many, a time of cheer! For others, a cruel reminder that the bitter chill of Winter is upon us! The one night of the year when an intruder in bright red garb is greeted with joy! When ghosts… are often visited… [ smoke rises out of control, causing Price to choke ] Guys! Can we cut the smoke, please?! Just go to the package! Go to the package!
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s 1954 Christmas Special”. Now, please welcome your host, fresh from the River Styx, Vincent Price!
[ cut back to Vincent Price ]
Vincent Price: Tonight! A collection of guests will arrive, and together they will delve into the mystery that is… Secret Santa! [ thunder rumbles, the doorbell chimes ] Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the African Queen herself — Katherine Hepburn!
[ Price opens the door to Katherine Hepburn, who drags a tree inside ]
Katherine Hepburn: Hello, Vincent! I’m here! My Secret Santa gift is a tree! I’m telling you because I don’t care for secrets! It’s a Norway spruce that I cut down MYSELF in Connecticut!
Vincent Price: You dragged a tree from Connecticut to Burbank?
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, I don’t care for planes, Vincent, and I DESPISE trains! I like BRISK walks and GOOD exercise!
Vincent Price: Wow! So, you actually —
Katherine Hepburn: A good walk would do YOU some good, Vincent! LOOK at you, you could use some color in those cheeks!
Vincent Price: I — I —
Katherine Hepburn: Now, WHERE shall I put this? I need a good wicker tree basket! I don’t see one here. Well, fine! [ with that, she drags the tree across the set and leaves Price by himself ]
Vincent Price: [ snidely ] Nice talking to you! [ the doorbell chimes ] And now, our next guest! From the hit film, “East of Eden” — Mr. James Dean!
[ Price opens the door, as James Dean swaggers in ]
James Dean: Hey…
Vincent Price: Merry Christmas, James!
James Dean: I… guess.
Vincent Price: [ excited ] Did you bring a Secret Santa gift?
James Dean: Don’t tell me what to do!
Vincent Price: I’m not telling you anything…
James Dean: [ anguished ] YOU’RE ALWAYS HASSLING ME!!!
Vincent Price: WE JUST MET!! [ a beat ] Easy creasy…
[ Price perks up when hears piano music pot up ]
Vincent Price: Ah! That sound can only mean ONE thing! Please welcome the man, the music — LIBERACE!
[ cut to Liberace laughing gayly as he tickles the ivories ]
Vincent Price: Eaaaaaaasy! Did you bring a Secret Santa gift for us, Liberace?
Liberace: Well, YES, I did! [ he holds up a round ornament ] As you can see, I have this lovely Christmas ornament, that was given to me by President Batista during my last trip to Havana. In fact — [ he picks up a second ornament and holds them swinging ] I bought TWO of them! I prefer them in pairs, and I like them them in EVERY color except BLUE! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: WATCH IT!!!
[ he dangles the ornaments in front of Dean ] Does this do anything for you, James?
James Dean: I don’t know! I don’t know ANYTHING any more! I’m SO confused!
Liberace: That’s a start! Come on, sit down!
[ Dean sits next to Liberace on the piano bench ]
Vincent Price: Full court press, huh, Liberace? Katherine, how are we doing with the tree?
Katherine Hepburn: I got a problem, Vincent! My Norway spruce has a stowaway!
[ a raccoon is perched on the side of the tree ]
Vincent Price: Y-you brought a wild animal onto the set?!
[ the raccoon has now latched onto Hepburn’s neck, as she struggles ]
Katherine Hepburn: He’s got some fight in him!
Vincent Price: Uh — uh — hotchi motchi! Let’s take a commercial break while we sort this out!
[ cut to commercial ]
Marilyn Monroe: I’m Marilyn Monroe! And when I get blue — I reach for a box of Asbestos! [ she tosses the flakes into the air and lets it drop like snow ] Mmmm… Asbestos! It’s as-best-os can be!
[ return to Price still struggling with Hpeburn and the raccoon ]
Vincent Price: Please, just — [ he looks at the camera ] Oh, we’re back already?! Whose four-second Asbestos commercial?
[ Hepburn suddenly snaps the raccoon’s neck ]
Katherine Hepburn: I killed it, I did!
Vincent Price: Katherine, you’ve been bit!
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, that doesn’t bother me! I’ve got a strong constitution because I drink good, COLD water and I do a hundred SQUAT THRUSTS a day! I’m gonna go treat this bite and bury this DEAD animal! [ she saunters off ]
Vincent Price: Very good. Very Christmasy. [ he taps his fingers nervously on Liberace’s piano ]
Liberace: Why don’t you sing with me, James?
James Dean: [ whining ] Aw, I don’t sing!
Liberace: [ singing ] “Deck the halls with boughs of holly…”
James Dean: Just TRY it!
Together: “Fa, la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!”
James Dean: I — I like that! I guess I should try new things more often!
Liberace: Well… [ grinning ] Merry Christmas to ME!! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: What, you just want people to know? Is that your deal these days? [ changing the subject ] Kate, are you okay?
[ cut to Hepburn frothing at the mouth ]
Vincent Price: Okaaaaaayyy, Katherine has rabies! Wonderful. Let’s end this thing. [ reciting ] “As the Magi brought gifts in ancient times, so, too, have we brought you holiday cheer, with a touch of the macabre.” My thanks to Katherine Hepburn — [ reveal empty space on set ] Annnnnd she’s gone. My thanks to James Dean and Liberace — [ reveal Dean seated alone on piano bench, breathing heavily ] Is Liberace gone, too?
[ suddenly, Liberace hands raises from underneathe piano and signals ]
liberace: Still here!
Vincent Price: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOO!! GO TO A COMMERCIAL!!!
[ Hepburn’s froth-covered ace jumps up in the foreground ]
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Christmas Special”.
Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen Angie Cruz….Jenny Slate Lou Gonzalez….James Franco Leza Dominguez….Kristen Wiig Ramona Gonzalez….Nasim Pedrad Lucas Gonzalez….Bobby Moynihan Miguel….Kenan Thompson
Announcer: You are watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 p.m., a rerun of an old Miss Universe Pageant. Followed by an even older Miss Universe Pageant. But first, The Manuel Ortiz Show.
[Manuel Ortiz Show logo]
[Manuel Ortiz has a blue suit, mustache, sits on a couch in his tv studio]
Manuel Ortiz: Hola and welcome to my show. I am Manuel Ortiz and I am here to help you with whatever it is you’re going through. And if I cannot, I’m very, very sorry. My first guest has concerns about her boyfriend. Please welcome, Angie Cruz.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel gets up and dances with Angie the merengue, couple of steps and whips head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: Welcome to the show.
Angie Cruz: Gracias, Manuel.
Manuel Ortiz: Talk to me. Your boyfriend, what are your concerns?
Angie Cruz: I’m concerned that my boyfriend is cheating on me.
Manuel Ortiz: And do you have proof of your concerns?
Angie Cruz: No. I do not.
Manuel Ortiz: Well, why don’t we bring out your boyfriend, Lou Gonzalez.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whip head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: Lou Gonzalez, do you know why you are here?
Lou Gonzalez: No, no! Maybe. No.
Manuel Ortiz: Perhaps this will help you understand. Let’s bring out your co-worker, Leza Dominguez.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Leza dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: Leza, is there anything you need to say to anyone here?
Leza Dominguez: Yes. Do you remember the night your boyfriend went out for arroz con pollo?
Angie Cruz: Yes.
Leza Dominguez: He was con me.
Angie Cruz: You lied to me! How could you do this?!
Lou Gonzalez: I didn’t lie! I went out for arroz con pollo, I just didn’t tell you what happened after.
Leza Dominguez: This is too much for me. I’ve hurt too many people. I’m sorry Manuel. I have to go.
[Merengue music plays]
[Leza leaves, Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: And Angie, how do you feel?
Angie Cruz: Disappointed. I feel disappointed.
Manuel Ortiz: [to Lou] Do you know who else is disappointed? Your mother and father. Let’s bring them out, Ramona and Lucas Gonzalez.
[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Couple of steps , whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: So, what do you think of your son’s behavior?
Ramona Gonzalez: [out of breath] I need…I can’t catch my breath! Ay!
Manuel Ortiz: Ok. What about you?
Lucas Gonzalez: Oh, one second. [puffing] Ay, my side hurts!
Manuel Ortiz: Maybe you need some water. Miguel, get the Gonzales some water please.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Lou’s parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. They are joined by Miguel holding two glasses of water. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops]
Miguel: Is the tap water ok?
Lucas Gonzalez: This is from the faucet?
Miguel: Yes.
Lucas Gonzalez: Do you have the bottled water?
Miguel: Do we?
Manuel Ortiz: I think we do.
Miguel: I’ll be right back.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel, Angie, Lou, Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Miguel dances as he goes for bottled water. Couple of steps and whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]
Manuel Ortiz: I’ve been told that we need to go to commercial. Hopefully when we return Miguel will find the Gonzalez’s some Poland Spring. And we’ll be to help Angie and her boyfriend mend their relationship. If not, I’m very, very sorry.
[Merengue music plays]
[Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents dance merengue. Miguel appears while dancing merengue with two Poland Springs]
Announcer: Stay tuned. We’ll be right back with more Manuel Ortiz.
James Franco: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. Last time I hosted, I’d just moved to New York and enrolled as a student at Columbia University. I went back to school because I wanted to do something that was intelligently stimulating, and, as you can see from this TMZ photo, it’s really working out. [ reveal photo of Franco asleep in a classroom ]
It’s been an exciting year for me. I was lucky enough to be in a little movie called “Hope’s Promise” [ he indicates for the audience to grant him applause ] I’m just kidding — t’s not a real movie! [ he laughs ] Unlike last year, I don’t have a movie to promote. But “SNL” doesn’t have an election this year, so we’re all getting by with a little less. Of course, there was a time when I was in movies, but then I took a break to go to college. And now I’m on the soap opera “General Hospital”. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not kidding this time — I’m actually on “General Hospital”. I’ve been on it for the last month. Let’s see a clip!
[ cut to clip ]
Maxie Jones: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.
Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.
[ return to Franco, smiling ]
James Franco: That’s real, I might add!
A lot of people say being on “General Hospital” is a major step backwards, career-wise. You know… people like my family, my agent, the other people on “General Hospital”. But there’s a logic to it. You see, every move I make in my career is part of a strategy I have. [ he looks off-stage ] Could you bring out the bin?
[ a raffle bin, filled with slips, is wheeled in ]
This bin is filled with idea slips that people give me throughout the year when I ask them for career advice. Every year I pick a few idea slips, and then do whatever they say. Like last year, they told me to be on “General Hospital”. Now we’re almost at the new year, so let’s see what 2010 has in store for James Franco!
[ he spins the wheel and pulls out a slip ]
Oh! “Play a dead body on Law and Order.” Well, it’s another step backward… but, it’s in the idea bin, so I guess I’m gonna do it. You see how it works? Okay. Next.
[ he reaches in and pulls out another slip ]
Oh! “Do another Spider-man movie.” Ah! You see, sometimes there are good ones.
[ he reaches in yet again ]
Mmm! “Pick a town in the midwest and have sex with every woman in it.” [ he crumples it up ] I did that one last year! Hagensville, Kansas — what’s up?
[ he reaches in one last time ]
Okay, okay, one more. One more BIG one. Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] This is interesting: Make this the best “SNL” christmas show of all time! [ the audience cheers ] Not a chance!
we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Muse is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 19th, 2009 James Franco Muse None Mike Tyson Jack McBrayer None
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Rico Garlando (James Franco) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Judice (Kristen Wiig). Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk.
Montage
James Franco’s MonologueSummary: James Franco comments on the backwards direction his acting career has taken. Transcript
What Up With ThatSummary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Jack McBrayer, Mike Tyson, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song. Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole.
VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, James Franco) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses. Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal with Taylor Lautner.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Kids (Nasim Pedrad, Andy Samberg, Jenny slate, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) on “The Tizzle Wizzle Show” play with knives and take pills with confused guest star James Franco.
The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks guest Angie (Jenny Slate) through her boyfriend (James Franco) crisis with endless Spanish dancing. Transcript
Muse performs “Uprising”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the shenanigans of M-TV reality show “Jersey Shore”. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing Christmas songs as though they were making them up on the spot.
Sigma Lambda OmegaSummary: Upon pledging the Sigma Lambda Omega fraternity, freshman initiate (Andy Samberg) realizes that the house brothers (Jason Sudeikis, James Franco, Bobby Moynihan) are illiterate and lacking in basic educational skills. Transcript
Variety VaultSummary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) attempts to play Secret Santa with Katherine Hepburn (Kristen Wiig), James Dean (James Franco) and Liberace (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Liberace, Katherine Hepburn. Transcript
Christmas TreesSummary: Christmas tree salesman (James Franco) severs the emotional ties with his merchandise upon each sale.
Muse performs “Starlight”
Christmas Gift MeetingSummary: Business executives Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (James Franco) strain their brains to figure out what gift to give their employees other than dildoes. Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.
Mark Wahlberg Talks to Christmas AnimalsSummary: Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg) talks to Christmas animals and a snowman. Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Joseph LiebermanSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) rejects various offers of food. Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.
Thomas Peepers InsuranceSummary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day. Note: This commercial parody will air in the next episode, hosted by Charles Barkley.
Song MemoriesSummary: Group of buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Will Forte, James Franco) share stories while listening to “Glory Days”. Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.
Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.
The FixerSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) is called upon to remove a dead hooker from a man’s (Will Forte) bed. Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Traveling with P.J.”: P.J. (Kristen Wiig) travels solo to New York City.
…..Seth Meyers Mistress Number 15…..Nasim Pedrad Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Tiger Woods announced on his website yesterday that he is taking an indefinite break from professional golf. Though I’m pretty sure golf wasn’t the problem.
As new reports of his alleged extramarital affairs continue to surface, Gatorade announced this week that it’s dropping its Tiger Woods themed sports drink, while Birds Eye is going forward with its line of Tiger Woods side dishes.
Democrats in the Senate, on Wednesday, reached a tentative compromise on the Health Care bill that would pull out the public option in favor of a private insurance plan. They also pulled out federal funding for abortion coverage, then they pulled out the provision to import drugs from Canada, then they pulled — oh no! Jenga! Health Care Reform Jenga!
Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the UN Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the global warming summit, make sure to cap your emissions.
During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, “I’m the President, but he’s the Boss.” At which point, Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.
Seth Meyers: Earlier today, yet another woman came forward claiming to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, bringing the total number of alleged mistresses to 15. Here with her story, is Mistress Number 15.
Mistress Number 15: Hi, Seth! Hi!
Seth Meyers: Hi, there. So, start at the beginning: How did you get involved with the superstar athlete?
Mistress Number 15: Oh, first of all, Seth, I didn’t even know he was an athlete — I just knew he was super rich. And I didn’t know he was married.
Seth Meyers: But, eventually, you found out he was married?
Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! But, by then, I also knew he was superfamous, soooo… what was I supposed to do?
Seth Meyers: Not have an affair with him?
Mistress Number 15: Yeahhhhhh, it’s just really hard not to have an affair with someone you’re having sex with. Does that make sense?
Seth Meyers: No… okay…
Mistress Number 15: But, Seth, you also have to understand that it was more than sex.
Seth Meyers: Oh, it was?
Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! I mean, he would do the most romantic things, Seth. Like, sometimes he would text me. [ she leaves it hanging ]
Seth Meyers: Oh. Is that it? Okay. So, uh, what was your reaction when all those other mistresses were revealed?
Mistress Number 15: Well, at first… I just thought they were me in different outfits and hair. But then I found out they were their own people.
Seth Meyers: Right. And how did you feel when you knew it wasn’t just you?
Mistress Number 15: Uhhhhh, what’s the word for, like, when you’re mad?
Seth Meyers: Mad.
Mistress Number 15: Yeah, that’s it! I was mad! I couldn’t believe he would cheat on me!
Seth Meyers: [ perplexed ] But he was already cheating on his wife with you.
Mistress Number 15: Oh, for sure, sure! But I thought I was special.
Seth Meyers: Why?
Mistress Number 15: Because he was texting me, and — I don’t know — I wear tank tops.
Seth Meyers: You sure do, but why the need to go public?
Mistress Number 15: Well, I just felt like if I waited, I would be known as Mistress 16, or 17 — and, at that point, people would think I was a slut!
Seth Meyers: Mistress Number 15, everyone.
Mistress Number 15: Sure, sure! Sure!
This week, after a performance in England, Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England. “Well, this is weird,” thought both of them.
It was rumored this week that disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is considering a run for state comptroller, though I’m not sure that’s the right job for a guy who obviously can’t “comptroll” himself.
Prosecutors in New York State are trying to block the release from a halfway house of a 100-year-old man who is the state’s oldest registered sex offender. The man was originally sent to jail for molesting a 63-year-old boy.
General Mills announced plans to reduce the amount of sugar in Lucky Charms cereal. They made the decision after Lucky the Leprechaun lost his foot to diabetes.
A company is selling a new device called the Text Hook, which lets parents strap phones to the bars of their strollers so they can text and e-mail while walking their children — into traffic.
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, the federal government announced it will pay $3.4 billion to settle Indian trust funds back to 1887. Here now with a unique comic take on the agreement, is Native American comedian Billy Smith.
Billy Smith: Greetings. It is good to be in New York City, the land of square mountains.
Seth Meyers: So, Billy, how do you feel about the settlement?
Billy Smith: I am very happy about this $3.4 billion. Once it has been divided amongst the native american nations, we are all to get a check for $1,000. $1,000? These days, it is not even enough to by a kawahugajusi! [ light laughter ] Kawahugajusi is the yellow resin extracted from the great birch tree. Yellow resin… the great birch tree. It’s gone up in price, is the joke there.
Seth Meyers: I see… I see. Very funny.
Billy Smith: So! Is anyone here married? yes, marriage is difficult. My wife, she said I need to lose weight. I say to her, “If you want me to lose my appetite, just keep preparing more of your watakiputihiti!”
Seth Meyers: [ confused ] What?
Billy Smith: Watakiputihiti — it is a meal made with corn mash and rabbit lips. Corn mash and rabbit — not very tasty. What else? Oh, yes! Money is very tight these days on the reservation. Instead of wearing hand-me-downs, my daughter has to wear handpackanayuta! [ he jumps in Seth’s face ] Handpackanayuta — those are snow shoes made from the quills of a porcupine. [ he laughs ] Not comfortable. Porcupine quills. They exist, by the way. By the way, these joke, they kill on the reservation!
Seth Meyers: I’m sure they do.
Billy Smith: They’re on the floor. What else? What else? What else? Oh, yes. I see this new movie, “Avatar”, is coming out. Did you see that, sir?
Seth Meyers: I did! I did do that!
Billy Smith: Is it me, or is the size of soft drinks becoming too large at the concession stand? I mean, what do I look like, a wahatayuiwaha? [ he holds an open-mouthed pose ] You don’t know the reference, do you?
Seth Meyers: No…
Billy Smith: The swollen gullet of a skunk.
Seth Meyers: Ah!
Billy Smith: A play on words. Well, uh — that’s my time, I’m getting the flame.
Seth Meyers: You’re getting the flame!
Billy Smith: On behalf of all my people, I say to you all: Wakatungamakatingagi!
Seth Meyers: Oh, that sounds beautiful. What does that mean?
Billy Smith: That means I will be performing at the Mohegan Sun, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! Come on down!
Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s good. Billy Smith, everybody!
An Amish man in Pennsylvania was arrested Friday for driving his buggy while drunk. Police decided to pull him over when they noticed he was weaving. [ image reveals Amish man with quilt ] He’s literally weaving.
A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air.
Researchers, using hidden cameras to study what cats do when they’re home alone, say they spend 22% of their time looking out of windows and 6% sleeping. The rest of the time they’re trying on your clothes and checking your e-mail.
A German man was arrested this week while trying to leave New Zealand with 23 geckos hidden in his underwear. Security guards became suspicious when the man’s underwear told them that ten minutes could save them 10% or more on car insurance.
Gisele Bundchen, on Tuesday, gave birth to a son with husband Tom Brady. And, as always, Randy Moss was there to make the catch.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
Mr. Armstrong…..Bill Hader Ellie…..Jenny Slate Mariana…..Taylor Lautner Female Student…..Nasim Pedrad Male Student #1……Andy Samberg Male Student #2……Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ]
[ dissolve to interior, science lab ]
Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.
Ellie: [ wearing a “Team Jacob” t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there’s a problem. I don’t have a lab partner.
Mr. Armstrong: That’s impossible, Ellie. There’s an even number of people in this class.
Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.
Mr. Armstrong: Why not?
Ellie: You know why not.
[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]
Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don’t be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.
Mariana: Um — I don’t want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong: Why not?
Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.
Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he’s loyal and he wouldn’t just leave you and break your heart.
Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!
Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!
Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!
Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?
Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you’ll have to work together.
Ellie: Well, If we’re going to have to work together, then we’re going to need a truce.
Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?
Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?
Mariana: Fine. What’s the truce?
Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.
Mariana: No! Edward is — Edward is a BOY!!
Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess’ tiara?!
Mr. Armstrong: All right! That’s enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?
Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Armstrong: Then I’m left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class… and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.
[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]
Female Student: Couldn’t you just send them to the principal?
Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?
Mr. Armstrong: Because I’m a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.
Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] “i don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” I knew we’d be together.
Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I’m sorry. Does she think she’s going to end up with the fictional vampire from “Twilight”?
Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ]
[ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]
Ellie: Hey… what have I told you, Marianna..?
Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?
Mariana: [ she stops ] I’m sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.
Mr. Armstrong: That’s right. Ellie?
Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in “New Moon,” I saw those changes, and I was like, “Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach.”
Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!
Ellie: These are not fake abs.
Mariana: They are, too, fake! They’re CGI, just like the wolf.
Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.
Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.
Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!
Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then “Twilight” changed everything. I mean, can’t you get past your differences?
Ellie: I wish we could, but I can’t connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.
Mariana: Yeah! And I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn’t deserve either one of them.
Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.
Mariana: You do?
Ellie: Totally!
Mariana: Oh… my… goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?
Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.
Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh!
[ they return to their lab table ]
Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?
[ no response ]
Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So — biology!
Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.
[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]
Tim Finchem: [ singing ] “It’s the eye of the tiger…” The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um — the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look — I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce… the letter “Q”… and, uh — and seltzer! If you’re looking for bubbles, you’re looking for seltzer! It’s great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying — that saying that “Any publicity is good publicity”? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he’s a LIAR!!
[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]
Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we’ve got Steve Elkington… and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson… and there’s a dude named Whitey Whiterson… and “Trust Fund” Jones III. You know — just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we’ve literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!
[ return to PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!
Air Date:
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