Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

What Up With That?

D’Andre Cole….Kenan Thompson
Leslie Faree….Abby Elliott
Emcee….Will Forte
Back up singers/dancers….Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad
White Peace….Gerard Butler
Lindsey Buckingham….Bill Hader
Red track suit dancer….Jason Sudeikis
Kenny G look-alike….Fred Armisen
Picabo Street….Kristen Wiig
….James Franco

[BET TV logo]

[Opens with a party atmosphere talk show with a funky, catchy theme song]

Emcee: It’s “What up with that?” Tackling the issues of today with soul! With environmentalist activist and author Leslie Faree, [pretty blond] James Franco![actor James Franco] And musician Lindsey Buckingham! [cut to Lindsey] And now here is your host, D’Andre Co-o-o-o-le!

[D’Andre comes out mic in hand dancing like a Southern Baptist preacher]

D’Andre Cole: [singing] Woke up this morning and I got out of bed, got a big ‘ol cup of coffee just to clear my head, telephone rang and you want to chat, well sit on down and tell me “what up with that?” Oooooweeee, what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee, what up with that? What up with that? He said, she said, we said, Lee said, what up with that? Who knew?, you knew, say what, voodoo, what up with that? What u-u-u-u-u-up, with tha-a-a-a-at?! Yes! [music stops, sits down] All right. This is “What up with that?” We have 3 wonderful guests here joining me. We’re going to talk about people! We’re going to talk about places, [funky music resumes and D’Andre sings] we’re gonna talk about fingers, we’re going to talk about faces,[D’Andre walks into the audience] we’re going to talk about things pertaining to you, and you, and you, and you, and you, you too, not you, but you and you, everybody say! Oooooweeee, what up with that?! What up with that?Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? [a Kenny G look-alike plays the funky saxophone, a guy in a red track-suit with a perm dances 80’s electroboogie style] What up? I said what’s u-u-u-up? What up with that? I said what u-u-u-up?[guy in the red track-suit does the running man in slow motion] What up with tha-a-a-a-at? E.T. likes Reese’s pieces! [music ends, D’Andre sits down] All right. That was fun. Let’s meet a guest. She is here, she’s a biotologist, [Kenan fumbles a bit, cracks up] biologist from a network called “Planet Green”. She is here to give us some straight talk about the rain forest. Her name is Leslie Faree. Hello, baby.

Leslie Faree: Hello.

D’Andre Cole: Now, you gonna talk about deforestation, is that right?

Leslie Faree: Yes. Did you know that we’re losing an acre and a half of the rain forest every second? It is one of the earth’s greatest biological treasures….

[funky theme song resumes]

D’Andre Cole: [funky head movement] Biological treasures….

Leslie Faree: ….it would be totally consumed in 4 years….

D’Andre Cole: ….totally consumed….

Leslie Faree: ….we’re losing dozens of animal and species….

D’Andre Cole: Animal and species, it’s a tragedy baby![gets up] And I got to say! [sings] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

Leslie Faree: [confused] Do I just sit here?

D’Andre Cole:[sings] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to slow it down for just a second. Yeah. [music tempo slows down, D’Andre lights some candles] Cause I’m going to turn my microphone over to my good friend, “The Sexecutioner”! White Peace!

[White Peace comes out in a pimp-looking white suit, cane, goatee, dark shades]

White Peace: Oh, yeah girl. I wanna take you on a spaceship and move into a permanent orbit around “ur-anus”. I’m going to send out some probes and I’m going to explore all your craters.[into Leslie’s ear] So, girl…lower your shields because I come in peace and I say, I say, Hey!

D’Andre Cole: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, hey-y-y-y-y!

D’Andre Cole and White Peace: Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

D’Andre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, gold medal winning skier, Picabo Street! [Picabo struts across the stage funky dancing] Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Oooooweeee what up with that?

[Emcee comes down and does the robot dance, Picabo dances, back up singers sing and dance, Kenny G plays funky sax, Red track suit guy dances the 80’s electroboogie style, White Peace pimps it out, guests just sit]

D’Andre Cole:[sings] I said what u-u-u-u-u-up!

White Peace: Oh, yeah!

D’Andre Cole: I said what u-u-u-u-u-up?

White Peace: The sex is crazy up in here!

D’Andre Cole: I said what up with tha-a-a-a-a-at?

White Peace: It’s the invasion of the booty snatchers!

D’Andre Cole: What up with that? [prolonged music ending] Tell me what up with that? You think is all over, but not really, I got one story, I went downtown, to a party, and I said “Can I get in?” They said “Five dollars” I said “Never mind” [music ends, D’Andre sits] Well, looks like we’re out of time. I wanna thank my guest Leslie Faree. [Leslie shakes her head] And I apologize to my guests who got bumped. Actor James Franco from “Spider-Man” [James nods] And from the band “Fleetwood Mac”, Lindsey Buckingham. Lindsey, man, you been here like 12 times, what up with that? [Lindsey waves it off] Ok, until next time, I’m D’Andre Cole asking you….heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, he-y-y-y-y! [music resumes] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

Caption: What up with that?

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank Rose

Fuquay Satin…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on footage of club girls shaking their asses ]

[ Fuquay Satin steps forward among the women ]

Fuquay Satin: Hello! It’s me again — Fuquay Satin. Owner and proprieter of Maison du Satin, makers of fine urban champagne. Including: Ghetto Imperial… Section 8 Reserve… and Minneapolis Mystery!

Champagne is for more than just drinking. It’s also for pouring on women in celebration of wealth and sexual excess. Which is why I drink :this: [ he holds up bottle ] Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank Rose. The champagne especially designed to pour down women’s asses. Every bottle of Grand Hoochie Skank Rose comes with a wide mouth, AND twice the carbonation for more bubbles!

[ gratuitous close-up of champagne being poured on a woman’s jiggly ass ]

Fuquay Satin: With seven lumps of apricots, ginger, and ass. Grand Hoochie Skank Rose goes exquisitely with some of your favortie foods. Including: fishsticks… fried rice in a styrofoam carton.

Some people say my new champagne tastes funny. Well, let me ask you a question: Was that before or after you poured it down someone’s ass?

[ product line-up ]

Fuquay Satin V/O: So try all of my Maison du Satin brand urban champagne.

[ return to Fuquay Satin surrounded by his ladies ]

Fuquay Satin: Maison du Satin. If you got ten dollars… well, then you got Grand Hoochie Skank Rose!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

The Rock Obama

The Rock Obama…..Dwayne Johnson
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Mitch McConnell…..Will Forte
Max Baucus…..Bill Hader
Olympia Snowe…..Jenny Slate
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie…..Nasim Pedrad

FADE IN:

[ EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THE WHITE HOUSE, OCTOBER 17, 2009 ]

[ INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE ]

[ PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA stands next to his scheduling aide KATIE ]

President Barack Obama: So what’s next on the schedule, Katie?

Katie: As per your request, Mr. President — Senators Snowe, McConnell,and Baucus are here to discuss health care.

President Barack Obama: That’s great! You know, Katie, this is the closest we’vecome to reform in this country. I just need everyone to behave.

Katie: So, you gonna get angry with them?

President Barack Obama: Now Katie — no. You know I don’t get angry. I find itworks better to kill them with kindness. Send them in.

[ Katie opens the door to the Oval Office and departs. GOP SEN. OLYMPIASNOWE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, AND DEM. SEN. MAX BAUCUSgreet the President with a handshake and all take seats on the couch. ThePresident sits in front of his desk. ]

President Barack Obama: Now look, I asked you all here because I want everyonehere to have a voice in the health care reform debate. Now, Sen. Baucus,you’re a moderate Democrat, but thanks to your efforts in the SenateFinance Committee, you have a voice!

[ Baucus smiles. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. Snowe, you’re a Republican who crossed party linesto support the Baucus bill and you have a voice!

[ Snowe nods and winces a bit. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. McConnell, as the Senate Minority Leader, I want youto have a voice too. Now, uh, what can I do to bring the rest of theRepublican Party into the conversation.

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh, Mr. President, maybe I can explain theRepublican position — it’s not that we don’t want health care to fail. Wedon’t! We just want you to fail. And defeating health care reform is thebest way to do that.

[ President Obama clenches his jaw. ]

Mitch McConnell: Because if you fix health care, that would be a bigvictory for you and that’s bad for us.

[ The President rubs his neck over and over. ]

Mitch McConnell: With that said, I could see us supporting health care butonly if you switch your position to AGAINST it.

[ The President shakes violently. ]

[ CUT TO pre-filmed close-up footage of the President bursting through hisclothes, a la The Incredible Hulk TO REVEAL a muscular President with tornclothing, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who SCREAMS. The senatorsreact in terror. ]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, my God! What happened?!

Max Baucus: What happened was… you made Barack Obama angry! And when youmake Barack Obama angry, he turns into… The Rock Obama!

[ TITLE CARD: THE ROCK OBAMA ]

Mitch McConnell: The Rock Obama?

[ The Rock Obama clears his throat. ]

The Rock Obama: Now, uh… don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like,uh… Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh… more angry! Now! We get adown to business!

[ The Rock Obama picks up the telephone. ]

The Rock Obama: Katie? Hold calls.

[ The Rock Obama slams the phone down, crushing it and the stand. Thesenators are trembling. ]

The Rock Obama: Now! Where were we?

[ The Rock Obama points to Baucus. ]

The Rock Obama: You! Little man in suit.

Max Baucus: Me?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Why Finance Committee no have public option?

Max Baucus: I’m a Blue Dog Democrat. I have a different constituency.

The Rock Obama: You Blue Dog? Huh… me like dog.

Max Baucus: Thank you.

The Rock Obama: Bark for me!

Max Baucus: I’m sorry?

The Rock Obama: Bark for me like dog!

[ Sen. Baucus turns to the others and the President. Out of fear, he barksa few times like a terrier. The Rock Obama chuckles and claps. ]

The Rock Obama: Me like dog. Me no like you.

[ The Rock Obama gets up, grabs Baucus by the neck and flings him throughthe plate glass window. He then takes a seat and points to McConnell. ]

The Rock Obama: You!

Mitch McConnell: Who? Uh…me!?

The Rock Obama: Why you no want fix health care?

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh… I’m just worried if there’s uh — pubicoption — people who like their insurance now would lose it.

The Rock Obama: You like your insurance?

Mitch McConnell: I do! I do!

[ The Rock Obama rises over Sen. McConnell and tears off his left arm andtosses out the window. ]

The Rock Obama: Better call your insurance!

[ Sen. McConnell nods in agreement. ]

The Rock Obama: Tell them you need a new arm!

Mitch McConnell: Okay! Okay!

The Rock Obama: Go now! Get arm!

Mitch McConnell: Out the window?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Like arm!

[ Sen. McConnell gets up and jumps out the window. The Rock Obama takes his seat. ]

The Rock Obama: Hmmmm… Hello Lady!

Olympia Snowe: Hello.

The Rock Obama: Come down…

[ Sen. Snowe inches herself closer to The Rock Obama. ]

The Rock Obama: Closer…

[ Sen. Snowe moves to the very end of the couch. ]

The Rock Obama: You Republican who vote for Baucus bill?

Olympia Snowe: Yes!

The Rock Obama: But you probably vote no health care on Senate floor.

Olympia Snowe: I might!

The Rock Obama: Tell truth!!

Olympia Snowe: No. Probably not.

[ The Rock Obama extends his right hand. ]

The Rock Obama: Put head in hand. I smash it now.

[ Sen. Snowe is shaken. ]

Olympia Snowe: Really?

[ VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN enters and scans both of them. ]

Joe Biden: Hello! Huh… who got you mad?

The Rock Obama: Senators!

Joe Biden: Always the senators! Uh, you might want to get outof here, Snowe.

[ Sen. Snowe wastes no time leaving. ]

Joe Biden: There you go… out the door. There you go..

[ The Vice President chuckles. ]

The Rock Obama: Senators make Barack Obama so angry.

Joe Biden: Hey! Look at me!

The Rock Obama: Barack Obama… so alone….

Joe Biden: No! C’mon! Look, you got me! Who’s your pal?

The Rock Obama: Joe Biden is pal!

Joe Biden: That’s right! C’mon — take a seat.

[ The Vice President pulls up two chair for them to sit, which they do. ]

Joe Biden: C’mon, sit. Now look, things are tough right now.Everyone’s asking the world of you, right? They want you to clean up amess that wasn’t yours in the first place.

The Rock Obama: It’s true! Not my mess!

Joe Biden: That’s right! You got generals running their mouthsabout policy, Goldman giving out billions in bonuses, and then the Nobelpeople gave you an award you had no right in winning!

[ The Rock Obama gets up and intimidates the Vice President. ]

Joe Biden: Okay, just a little early! Just a little early –that’s all!

[ The Rock Obama calms down and sits. The Vice President laughs. ]

Joe Biden: There is some good news.

The Rock Obama: What good news?

Joe Biden: I’ll tell you some good news — that kid who theythought was in a spaceship? Safe and sound! Back with his loving parents– living in a box in the attic! And if that’s not a great story thiscountry can rally around, I don’t what is!

The Rock Obama: That’s a good story!

Joe Biden: Damn good story! Real good story!

[ A beat. ]

Joe Biden: Now I hope you don’t get mad about this, but I madea Biden Blooper!

The Rock Obama: What did you do?

Joe Biden: I gave my dry cleaning to the Chinese ambassador.

The Rock Obama: Joe!

Joe Biden: Okay! I know the drill… All right, what do we dohere? Go into the wall or window?

The Rock Obama: Wall!

Joe Biden: Wall it is! Geroni-Joe!!!

[ The Vice President hurls himself into the wall, which collapses. ThePresident stand up. ]

The Rock Obama: Being President is so hard and “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Shakira performs She-Wolf

…..Gerard Butler
…..Shakira

Gerard Butler: Ladies and gentlemen — Shakira.

Shakira: [ singing ]
“S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy
The moon’s awake now with eyes wide open
My body’s craving, so feed the hungry

I’ve been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at itI’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So I’m gonna go somewhere cozy to get me a lover
And tell you all about it

There’s a she wolf in your closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe

Sitting across a bar, staring right at her prey
It’s going well so far, she’s gonna get her way
Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent
The moon’s my teacher, and I’m her student

To locate the single men, I got on me a special radar
And the fire department hotline in case I get in trouble later
Not looking for cute little divos or rich city guys that just want to enjoy
But having a very good time and behave very bad in the arms of a boy

There’s a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe

S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Gerard Butler’s Monologue

…..Gerard Butler
Warriors…..Jason Sudeikis, Bobby Moynihan, Bill Hader
Ninjas…..Fred Armisen, Will Forte
Christine…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Gerard Butler!

Gerard Butler: Thank you! [ he waves the applause on ] No, no! Thank you! It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is, uh — it’s actually my first time hosting, which means I’ve now hosted more than ANY OTHER SCOTSMAN in “SNL” history!! [ the audience cheers ] YEAHHHH!!! WAHOO!!!

You know… as an actor, I’m primarily known for two types of film roles: There’s the kind where I wear a shirt, and the kind where I don’t. So, in the kind where I don’t, people are usually trying to kill me — like in “300”. [ the audience cheers ] But in the kind where I do wear a shirt, I’m usually doing something a little more sexy — like in the film “The Phantom of the Opera”, where I played the Phantom. [ the audience cheers ] So, tonight… I’d like to show you that I’m not just an action guy, that I also have a sensitive side, with a song from my favorite shirt-wearing musical.

[ piano music begins to play ]

[ singing ]
“Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences.”

It’s actually a lot better than I thought!

Gerard Butler: “Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.”

[ a warrior sneaks up behind Butler, but he knocks the warrior down with his own sword ]

Gerard Butler: “Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender…”

[ two more warriors run forward; Butler steps out of their way and lets the warriors collide into one another, then he strikes them with a sword ]

[ Butler continues to sing, as a pair of ninjas appear behind him; He swings his arms back and knocks both ninjas to the ground, then he knocks down a third ninja who attempts to sneak up on him. ]

[ suddenly, Christine appears in mid-chorus ]

Christine: [ singing ]
“Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world!”

Together:
“Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!”

[ suddenly, Christine whips a dagger from her bosom and attempts to kill Butler, but he manages to wrestle her to the ground as he finishes his song ]

Christine: Take your shirt off!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

Christine: DO IT!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

[ he seizes the dagger from her hand and shoves it away from the stage ]

Gerard Butler: [ singing ] “… the darkness of the music of the niiiiiiiight!!”

We’ve got a great show for you! Shakira is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Butler and Christine continue to spar as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Goodnights

…..Gerard Butler

Gerard Butler: So, thanks to… [ the audience whoops and hollars ] Shakira! And this man here — James Franco! And I want to thank ALL of the incredible cast, all the writers, all the crew! Every one of you, my mom, everybody in Scotland, and everybody else that I like! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Daveheart

David….Gerard Butler
Scottish Rebel 1…. Jason Sudeikis
Scottish Rebel 2…. Bill Hader
Scottish Rebel 3…. Bobby Moynihan
French Princess…. Jenny Slate

[Poster of Mel Gibson’s epic “Braveheart” of William Wallace holding a sword]

Announcer: “Braveheart”. The timeless tale of William Wallace. Scotland’s greatest hero. And now this classic tale told again but from the perspective of William Wallace’s younger brother, David.

[poster of David for “Daveheart”]

[David and his band of rebels gather around on Scotland’s high plains]

David: Ok. Gather around. Now, I just returned from talking with those English bastards. And they say we’re outnumbered. [disapproving grunts] They say they have superior weapons.[more disapproving grunts] They told me we would be fools to fight them. So, here is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get the hell out of here before we get killed.

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart” The story of Scotland’s biggest coward. When history needed a hero, it knocked on the wrong door.

Scottish Rebel 1: So, you’re saying we should surrender?

David: I’m saying that on the count of three we should run off in different directions. They can’t catch all of us, can they? If they do catch you I recommend to pretend that you’re English. So, let’s practice. Everybody. [English accent] “Hello, governor. Fancy a cup of tea?” All right. Now you guys. Come on, let’s hear you.

Scottish Rebel 2: But years from now when we lie down in our beds, won’t we wish we had fought on this day?

David: No. No, you’ll think “What a comfy bed. I’m glad I didn’t die covered in mud”. You’ll say “Thanks, Daveheart”. That’s what you’ll say.

Scottish Rebel 3: How can we surrender?! The English lords deflower our virgins brides on their wedding nights!

David: First of all, none of your wives are virgins on their wedding nights. There are six girls in our village and like a hundred guys. So, no one is a virgin. Now back to business. We need to run away and we need to run away fast.

Someone from the crowd: Coward!

David: Coward?! Coward?! Ha! I resent that! [scared shitless] Oh, my God! What’s that?! [a goat] Oh, sorry. False alarm. It is just a goat. I thought it was a dragon.

[cut to various of David’s scared faces in battle]

Announcer: Some men fear death. Some dishonor. Daveheart was afraid of the dark and loud noises. A tale of cowardice in a time of courage. A man who despite a shameful attempt to flee was still captured and jailed.

[David is chained to the wall in a English dungeon. A pretty princess visits him.]

French Princess: They are going to torture you.

David: Oh, don’t say torture. I can’t piss myself any more than I already have, ok? I mean, I’m pissed out!

French Princess: I have brought you something. It will numb the pain. [shows a little bottle]

David: Oh, yeah. I want that. And give me a lot. I have a low tolerance for pain.

French Princess: You must be strong.

David: I can do that. Or, better idea. We switch clothes and then you get executed and I pretend to be a beautiful French princess. How is that?

French Princess: No. That will not work.

David: Of course it will work. I mean, our kilts, it will work.

French Princess: You will have to live as a woman with my husband.

David: [crying] I would rather live as a woman than die like a man! [girlie scream] Aaaaahhh!!! Dragon!! [a goat is next to the executioner]

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart”. Worse than “Braveheart”. Buy it today.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Beauty and the Beast

Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Beast…..Gerard Butler
Lumiere…..Bill Hader
Cogsworth…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Potts…..Jenny Slate

[ open on exterior, castle ]

Announcer: [with SCROLL ] Our enchanted story continues on a starry night, as love begins to blossom between the Beauty and the Beast.

[ dissolve to interior, Ballroom, as Belle and the Beast approach one another from opposite sides of the room ]

Beast: Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance?

Belle: The honor would be mine!

[ singing ] “Tale as old as time.”

Beast: “True as it can be.”

Belle: “Barely even friends.”

Beast: “Then somebody bends.”

Together: “Beauty and the Beast…”

Beast: Whenever I’m in your presence, I can feel dark clouds part… and the sun shining on my face.

Belle: They say true love can break the curse, and I can’t imagine a love more true than this!

Beast: Ohhhh, my darling! I can hardly wait until your transformation.

[ Belle raises her eyebrows ]

Belle: Uhhh — uh, w-w-What do you mean, my transformation?

Beast: You know. The curse will be broken, and you can stop being a beast.

Belle: [ aghast ] You think I’m the beast?

Beast: Uh, yeah — we were just, uh, singing about it. [ he sings ] “Beauty and the Beast…” [ he extends his hairy hand to her ]

Belle: No, well, it’s the other way around!

Beast: [ realizing her confusion ] Oh, this is awkward.

Belle: [ hurt ] How could you think I was the beast?!

Beast: Well, “beast” is a strong word. You know, YOU’RE the one who started throwing “beast” around! [ he sighs ] I’d say you’re like a… a 6!

Belle: [ flabbergasted ] A 6?! In my village, I’m considred a great beauty!

Beast: Ohhhh, I know. I’m sure. It’s just that — well, you’re very slender. And, I don’t know, I like… [ he whispers ] I like a big ass!

Belle: [ annoyed ] what?!

Beast: I like a… [ more confident ] a BIG ASS!!

[ he continues singing ]

“A tale as old as tiiiiime…”

Belle: No, no, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, wait a minute! So, what were you hoping was gonna happen?

Beast: That we’d share true love’s kiss, and then you’d transform, you know, so you’d have a… BIG OL’ ASS!!

Belle: That is SICK! I can’t believe you thought YOU were the beauty!

Beast: [ insulted ] Oh, what’s so crazy about that?

Belle: Lumiere! Get in here!

[ the talking candelabra enters ]

Lumiere: Bonsoir?

Belle: [ calmly ] Who is the Beauty… and who is the Beast?

Lumiere: You both look like beasts to me!

Belle: What?!

Lumiere: Well, I’m a candelabra! I’m only attracted to other candelabras! Although, once, in college, I dated a menorah!

Beast: See? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[ Cogsworth the clock enters ]

Cogsworth: Indeed, it is! For instance, I’M a clock!

Belle: So, you’re only attracted to other clocks?

Cogsworth: No! I like women like you!

Belle: Hmm. Thank you.

Cogsworth: Yeah, but with, like, a BIG ASS!! Oh, like a… 3:45 ass!

Belle: What?!

Cogsworth: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s clock slang. Like a… [ he extends his arms ] 3:45 ASS!!! You know, like Teapot over there!

[ show Mrs. Potts off to the side, shaking it ]

Belle: [ insulted ] Okay… well… then why don’t you all just go hook up with her?

Beast: [ matter-of-factly ] Well, we do — all the time.

Cogsworth: Why do you think she lives here with us? Have you ever seen any of us drink tea?

Belle: Okay… okay, freaks! I’m leaving! You know what? Have fun in your ASS CASTLE!!

[ Belle storms out of the ballroom ]

Beast: How does she know we call it an “ass castle”?

[ Mrs. Potts struts forward ]

Mrs. Potts: Anyone care for a “tea party”?

Together: “Beauty and the Beast.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

300

King Leonidas…..Gerard Butler
Stelios…..Jason Sudeikis
Stefanos…..Fred Armisen
Titos…..Bill Hader
Astinos…..Will Forte
Warrior……Bobby Moynihan

[ open on King Leonidas addressing his army of Spartans ]

King Leonidas: Spartans! A new age has begun! An age of FREEDOM! And all will know… that 300 Spartans… gave their last BREATH to defend it!

Spartans: AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!!

Stelios: Uh, excuse me! King Leonidas! Uh, real quick before we go into battle. A lot of us have been wondering about that “promise” you made a while ago.

King Leonidas: [ recollecting ] Oh. Right. Yeah. I know. Uhh — well, about a year ago, I promised to rescind Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. And I still intend to do that — at some point. But now’s not really the time.

Stefanos: It’s NEVER the time, Leonidas!

King Leonidas: There’s a lot going on right now! We’re in a WAR, if you haven’t noticed! The economy is bad… and, what does it matter, anyway? We are the GREATEST army ever assembled! [ nonchalantly ] I mean, it’s not like any of you are gay.

[ all of the soldiers shift their eyes and look at one another ]

Titos: Ri-i-i-i-ight.

King Leonidas: I mean, look — [ he steps forward ] take Astinos. Astinos, who designed our wonderful uniforms. [ he puts his hand behind Astinos’ head ] Are you telling me you’re gay?

Astinos: Are you asking for yourself, or a friend?

[ Leonidas chuckles heartily ]

King Leonidas: Oh, you’re funny. [ he steps over to Titos ] And Stefanos… and Titos. [ he puts his arm around Titos’ neck ] Inseperable friends. Now, when Stefanos joined this army… you took him under your wing.

Titos: [ he glances at Stefanos ] I did.

King Leonidas: You could almost say Stefanos is… is like a son to you.

Titos: [ coyly ] Oh, please, don’t it like that!

King Leonidas: Every night, you two walk in the woods together for hours. Now, imagine how awkward one of those walks would be… if one of you turned out to be gay.

Stefanos: Yeah, that would be awkward if ONE of us was gay!

[ Titos laughs feyly ]

Warrior: Leonidas is RIGHT! Look, I’m as STRAIGHT as they come! Adn I wouldn’t be able to fight if I thought soem gay guy was checking out my body!!

[ the other Spartans look at one another knowingly ]

Stelios: Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that!

[ the Spartans chuckle among themselves ]

King Leonidas: Look, please! Put yourself in my position. I have public opinion to keep in mind, okay? Now, 40% of Sparta considers homosexuality an illness.

Stefanos: Well, 40% of Sparta doesn’t believe you were born in Greece.

King Leonidas: [ dumbstruck ] Ha! I have a borth certificate! [ he holds up a stone tablet that reads: “Leonidas – 3/14/506 BC – Sparta” ]

Stefanos: We’re NOT fighting until you make up your mind!

King Leonidas: [ he throws his birth table to the ground ] Aye. It seems I have no other choice! I didn’t become leader of an army this TOUGH — this AGGRESSIVE — this, uh — now, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Spartans: FIERCE!!!

King Leonidas: Exactly! FIERCE!! I didn’t become leader of an army this FIERCE by clinging to my popularity! So as of today, I declare Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban officially repealed! Yes! so, if you’re gay, feel free to raise your hand — PROUDLY! And publicly!

[ the demi-shirted warrior glances around awkwardly as all of his fellow soldiers slowly raise their hands high ]

King Leonidas: [ smiling ] Okay… okay… I know you all want to support your fellow soldiers, but seriously: who here is ACTUALLY gay?

[ everyone raises their hands high, including the demi-shirted warrior ]

King Leonidas: Really? Everyone? [ nervously ] Even you, Stelios?

Stelios: [ he nods ] Yeah!

King Leonidas: [ nervously ] So, when you oil me up before battle…?

Stelios: [ he shrugs ] No strategic value! Just wanted to get my HANDS on ya’!

King Leonidas: [ now ill ] And the leather sheath you made for my penis?

Stelios: Just… needed a reason to measure it!

King Leonidas: [ he pinches the area between his eyes ] And all the times we had sex?

Stelios: ALSO gay reasons!

[ music rises ]

King Leonidas: Well, alright! You’re STILL the greatest army on Earth! And if we DO live to see tomorrow, I’m sure we’ll have a good laugh about this in the bath house! [ he freezes ] Oh! The bath house! [ he smiles ] Okay, this is all starting to make more sense. But, TONIGHT!! WE DIE!! IN HEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!

[ the soldiers cry out and rush the camera to a freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 17th, 2009

Gerard Butler

Shakira

None

Dwayne Johnson

James Franco

None

The Rock ObamaSummary: While discussing health care reform with Republican senators, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) once again becomes angry and morphs into The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) Obama.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

Transcript

MontageNote: Tonight’s episode was sole-sponsored by Bud Light Golden Wheat, with clips of dress rehearsals past aired in place of their own commercials.

Gerard Butler’s MonologueSummary: While attempting to sing a sensitive ballad from “Phantom of the Opera”, Gerard Butler is accosted by several warriors, ninjas, and a dagger-weilding Christine (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank RoseSummary: (Kenan Thompson) promotes the ideal urban champagne for pouring down women’s asses.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat INote: The cast cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Riding My Donkey Political Talk Show” on 02/14/98.

Game Time With Randy And GregSummary: Randy Dukes’ (Kenan Thompson) efforts to convince callers that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien prove to be fruitless.

Recurring Characters: Greg.

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IINote: Chris Rock cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Perspectives” on 11/02/96.

Beauty and the BeastSummary: While singing their duet, Belle (Kristen Wiig) and the Beast (Gerard Butler) express confusion over which one is actually the beast, because he’s into a woman with a bigger ass.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IIINote: Harvey Kietel cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Casino” on 01/16/93.

Shakira performs “She Wolf”Lyrics

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IVNote: Bill Hader cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Scared Straight” on 05/10/08.

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Two Gay Guys from New Jersey who are in the Military (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) comment on the now-defunct “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. The balloon from Colorado drops by to say hi to Seth Meyers. Gerard Butler speaks directly to his family back in Scotland, as Seth Meyers translates. PGAD Sufferer Tamara Parks (Kristen Wiig) involuntarily orgasms several times while discussing her medical malady.

Recurring Characters: Two Gay Guys from New Jersey.

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VNote: Amy Poehler cracks up during dress rehearsal clips from “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers” on 09/17/09, 09/29/07, and 04/21/07.

300Summary: King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) agrees to lift Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, but is surprised to discover that all of his gladiators are gay.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VINote: The cast cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Jeffrey’s” on 02/17/01.

What Up With That?Summary: D’Andre Cole (Kenan Thompson) ignores his guests so he sing his self-indulgent theme song throughout the entire show.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VIINote: A robot has trouble crashing through a breakaway wall during a dress rehearsal clip from “Robot Dinner” on 11/18/95.

Cottage Cheese PitchSummary: As adman Thomas (Gerard Butler) pitches a campaign to a client (Jason Sudeikis), his annoying secretary, Trina (Kristen Wiig), repeatedly interrupts and calls his name.

Recurring Characters: Trina.

Shakira performs “Did It Again”

DaveheartSummary: Braveheart’s younger brother (Gerard Butler) is an extreme coward.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Traveling with P.J.”: P.J. (Kristen Wiig) travels solo to New York City.

GraveyardSummary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) advertises headstones for people with severe health problems.

Clair ButlerSummary: Gerard Butler receives a surprise visit from his sister Claire (Fred Armisen).

Trick or TreatSummary: Registered sex offender Jeff Montgomery (Will Forte) makes a clumsy introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbors’ (Jason Sudeikis, James Franco) house.

Recurring Characters: Jeff Montgomery.

SNL Transcripts