Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3

Weekend Update Thursday 3

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Aide…..Will Forte
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!

Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…

[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush’s ear ]

President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me that, Jeff?

[ the aide shrugs and exits ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me, uh — four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush’s hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where’s, uh — where’s McRage?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours, talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

President George W. Bush: Well, we’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get ‘er done!

President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]

President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.

[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…

Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.

President George W. Bush: Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.

[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]

Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!

[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.

President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let’s get a photo of this; this’ll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain’s hand and holds it just above Palin’s legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…

[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]

President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You’re welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.

Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]

President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2008

None

None

None

Will Ferrell

Tina Fey

None


A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Despite Sen. John McCain’s (Darrell Hammond) efforts to avoid it, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) grants an official endorsement to him and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Gov. Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Fred Armisen demonstrates the cool technological prowess of the Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map. Finiancial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!” Andy Samberg “Jams the Vote” and vomits in his attempts to sway unregistered voters.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Crazy McCain Supporter…..Kristen Wiig
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Hello, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

Last night marked the third and final debate between Joe Cool and Yosemite Sam.

With just nineteen days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted “We Are The Champions”, and shouted “I’m King of the World.”

Seth Meyers: Barack Obama has begun running campaign ads within video games, such as “Madden NFL ’09” and “Burnout”. Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside MRI machines.

A 20-year-old woman in Flint, Michigan has been painting Winnie the Pooh characters on the sides of vacant houses, in hopes of beautifying the economically-depressed area. Because nothing says “We’re back!” like the sight of a bear who can’t afford pants and his best friend, a depressed donkey.

[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the front of the set ]

Seth Meyers: Ohhhh, oh no. It’s that crazy lady from the McCain rally.

Amy Poehler: Oh, no…

Seth Meyers: Oh, no…

Crazy McCain Supporter: I gotta ask you a question. About Obama…

Seth Meyers: Well — now’s really not a good time…

Crazy McCain Supporter: I dough not…I can’t trust him. Obama.

Seth Meyers: Why — why can’t you trust Obama?

Crazy McCain Supporter: I read about him…and he’s a…he’s a…he’s a…he’s a Arab.

Seth Meyers: No. No, ma’am, he’s not an Arab.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh, ‘cuz I went to the liberry and had this little black girl help me look up Obama on the computer pages, and let me tell you…it says he cavorts with terriers.

Seth Meyers: With terriers? No, ma’am. No, he does not do that…

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh. Maybe I, uh, heard I read that…

[ she wanders off ]

Amy Poehler: Public school officials in Chicago, Illinois are recommending approval of a “gay-friendly” high school, because harassment and violence are causing gay students to drop out at alarming rates. However, officials were surprised when they found out that that gay high school already exists. [ image: “High School Musical” logo ]

[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the back of the set ]

Amy Poehler: Uh oh, she’s back. She’s back. Ma’am, please sit down.

Crazy McCain Supporter: I got the proof that Obama, he’s a…he’s a muslin.

Amy Poehler: Obama is a muslin? No, ma’am. Muslin is a kind of fabric.

Crazy McCain Supporter: You know, he wasn’t born here…and he’s…he’s…he’s a Jer.

Amy Poehler: What? A Jer?

Crazy McCain Supporter: Yeah, he’s a big Jer. He’s Jerish.

Amy Poehler: Oh, you mean Jewish? Ma’am, no, he’s not Jewish.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Well, I do know he’s fifty percent Egyptan. And he’s gonna change the White House to a pyramid.

Amy Poehler: No, ma’am. No, he is not. No.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Obama…He wants all the weddings to be gay weddings and they have orgys.

Amy Poehler: Orgies? No ma’am. I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff…

Crazy McCain Supporter: And, uh, the stem stells…

Seth Meyers: I think she means stem cells.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No… [ she wanders off again ]

Seth Meyers: Crazy McCain Rally Lady, everybody!

More than 140 colleges across the country have completely banned smoking on campus, which is more than triple the number from a year ago. Still bucking the trend: The University of Winston-Salem Lights.

The Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce held the First Annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta Sunday, in which participants rowed giant pumpkins. So, yeah — I think America’s gonna be all right!

A miniature horse has been given a second chance for a career as a show horse, thanks to a prosthetic eye. When told about this incident, a race horse with a broken leg said, “What?!”

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, we can be a little bit negative at “Weekend Update”. So, in an effort to be positive about the debate that happened last night, we’d like to introduce a new segment we call ‘We Liked It’

You know, I liked that debate. I liked how the candidates didn’t answer certain questions and stuck to their talking points. And I liked how they kept talking about Joe the plumber. That guy got more shout outs than the Moms at the Source Awards.

Amy Poehler: You know what I liked, Seth? I liked how they talked about education because I think teachers are underpaid. But you know, who’s not underpaid? Plumbers. Plumbers are doing just fine. They are recession-proof. You might not buy a new car when the economy is down, but if your toilet’s backed up, you’re calling a plumber. America will put up with a lot, but we will not settle for being ankle-deep in our own poop.

Seth Meyers: And you know what else I like? I like how the candidates always thank the host school, even though we all know they have nothing better going on. I mean, it’s amazing to think that, what else were they going to do at Hofstra last night? I mean, was the a cappella group going to sing? I mean, it’s college football season we’re talking about Hofstra, for goodness sake!

Amy Poehler: You know what I like? I like how, in two debates, John McCain has compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. Aw, snap!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Way to connect with the youth of the country with a Hoover reference. You got him good. But you know what? Why stop there? Hey young people, what about William Ayers? That guy is a regular Emma Goldman. You know, the anarchist who incited violence in the early 1900’s? Oh, you don’t know? That’s because your teachers get paid worse than plumbers!

Seth Meyers: And, John McCain: I like how you keep saying you wish there had been more town hall debates, even though you were not good at your town hall debate. You were lurching at people and walking around like you should have been wearing a hospital gown.

Amy Poehler: You know what else we like?

Together: Split screen!

Amy Poehler: We like split screens! We like how it seems like the other person doesn’t know they’re still on camera so they sigh and roll their eyes. But, Obama, you gotta stop smiling. You need a poker face. I know you have a full house, and the other guy’s going all-in… but you can’t start buying drinks for everyone.

Seth Meyers: And hey McCain, you also have to stop smiling — just in general. Trust me on that. I’ve seen more natural smiles on hounted hause — haunted house skeletons…

Amy Poehler: You want to give that one another try?

Seth Meyers: Haunted house skeletons!

Amy Poehler: There we go! But otherwise, we liked it.”

Seth Meyers: We liked it!

Amy Poehler: We still liked it!

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”!

[ fade to commercial ]

[ return to the newsdesk ]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back to “Weekend Update”!

Amy Poehler: Welcome back!

Seth Meyers: As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about “The Bradley Effect” — a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African-American who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls. Here to comment, is the Reverend Jesse Jackson.”

Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Uh, the Bradley Effect is a reality that is both unavoidable AND… unequivocal. It is a phenomenon we all hope will not become… an Obama-non. According to a recent CNN/Yahoo poll, when voters were asked, “Would you elect an African-American president?” 87% responded “Yes”. But, when asked the follow-up question: “Really?”… that number dropped to 30%.

Seth Meyers: Well, most pundits estimate The Bradley Effect at around six percentage points. Do you think it could happen to Obama?

Jesse Jackson: Oh, most certainly. In fact, when I ran for President in 1984, the Bradley Effect cost me 43%. It was certainly not because I had no experience, had never held an elected office, or that I referred to New York… as “Hymietown”.

Seth Meyers: So you think that, despite the polls, some racism might come through when people get in the voting booth?

Jesse Jackson: Absolutely. There is often a disparity between what white people say… and what they do. They tell their black friends they enjoy hip-hop, but look at their CD collection… and all they have is a Tone-Loc album from 1987, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.

Seth Meyers: But, obviously, Obama still has an excellent chance to win, right?

Jesse Jackson: Absolutely! For, tonight, in 2008, the dream of a black President is actual! And numerically factual! And realistically blacktual! Keep hope alive! And keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!

Seth Meyers: The Reverend Jesse Jackson everyone!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Crazy McCain Supporter…..Kristen Wiig

Amy Poehler: Thank you so much. We will see you back here this Saturday for the next live show.

Seth Meyers: And then join us next Thursday for the next “Saturday Night LiveWeekend Update Thursday”. Good night!

Amy Poehler: Good night!

[ the crazed McCain supporter wanders back onto the set. Seth stands up and slow-dances with her, before she continues on her way ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Presidential Debate

Bob Schieffer…..Chris Parnell
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Hofstra University, David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex ]

[ dissolve to Bob Schieffer ]

Bob Schieffer: Good evening, I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News… [ audience cheers ] and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election. I’ll be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive discussion… [ checks his notes ] between the candidates: Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona. Gentlemen, let’s begin. Obviously, with another 700-point plunge in the Dow today, this economy is in trouble. Each of you have plans to address the problem, but tell us why yours is better than your opponent’s. We’ll start with Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named Joe, who’s a plumber. We’ll call him “Joe the Plumber”. Now, Joe wants to buy the business where he’s worked for many years. And he looked at Senator Obama’s tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes. Which would leave him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream. So my question is, why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber? What did Joe the Plumber ever do to you, that you want to raise his taxes? Of all the people to go after in this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?

Sen. Barack Obama: First of all, look: uh — I don’t recall meeting the individual you’re referring to. But let me say this: nearly all small businesses earn less than $250,000 a year. And if Joe’s business falls into that category, he should know that, under my plan, uh, his taxes will not go up. Not one cent.

Sen. John McCain: Senator, I don’t think most people believe that. I know Joe the Plumber doesn’t. Because he told me so. And frankly, I trust Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan. Because Joe the Plumber is a straight shooter, and one of the finest people I’ve ever known. And I’ll tell you something else: He’s got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy. And, as President, I’ll be relying on his advice and expertise.

Bob Schieffer: Let’s turn to a related topic. Over the last several years, we’ve seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts saying this year’s could reach nearly a trillion dollars. What will either of you do to bring government spending under control? Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look — uh, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be examined to see if they’re necessary, or if they’re working, or if they could do the job more efficiently. But we’ve got to cut these programs carefully, with a — a — a scalpel, not a hatchet.

Sen. John McCain: [ grinning boradly ] The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of fighting wasteful government spending, and it’s me. As President, I would go after the bloated budgets with a GIANT hatchet, and THEN use a scalpel. Or I might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: A — a — a plunger? I don’t understand.

Sen. John McCain: Obviously, Senator. It’s not an ordinary plunger. It’s a magical plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: So, your friend “Joe the Plumber” has a “magical plunger”?

Sen. John McCain: That’s correct.

Sen. Barack Obama: Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance, uhhh — an “imaginary friend?”

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my bed, with our friend Simon.

Bob Schieffer: So… Joe the Plumber would be very tiny, then.

Sen. John McCain: Joe stands about three-and-a-half inches tall. Except when he’s upset. Then he can become as big as a house! He’s my best friend.

Bob Schieffer: [ uncomfortable ] Alright, let’s turn to a new topic…

Sen. John McCain: Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?

Bob Schieffer: Of course. [ a beat ] Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone of this campaign has become increasingly nasty. Senator Obama, in describing your opponent, your campaign has used words like “erratic”, “out of touch”, “lying”, “losing his bearings”, “senile”, “dementia”, “nursing home”, “decrepit”, and “at death’s door”. Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms such as “disrespectful”, “dangerous”, “foreign”, “sleeper agent”, and “uncircumcised”. Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look, Bob: uh, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are going to be said. And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then crossed the line. But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said about me at my opponent’s rallies. Things like “traitor”, “kill him”, and “off with his head”. Uhhh — and, unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these comments.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, as to the “off with his head” comment, that was shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair. The gentleman had too much mead and he was removed by security.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhhh — at that same event, I was also denounced as a “sorcerer”.

Sen. John McCain: At any rally of nearly ninety — uh, seventy-five people, you’re going to get a couple of crackers. We all know that. But, just a few moments ago, my opponent slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, by calling him “imaginary”. Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ looking into the camera ] Uhhh — Joe, when attempting to confirm your existence…

Sen. John McCain: Senator, why don’t you say it to his face? He’s right here. [ he points to the top of his desk ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ leans his head close to McCain’s desk ] Uhhh — Joe, if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize.

Sen. John McCain: [ he nods ] Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology… [ cocks his ear ] Wait a second, what’s that? No, don’t worry, my tiny friend, I won’t let him raise your taxes.

Bob Schieffer: Alright, we have time for one more question. Let’s talk about the people each of you would bring into government, and their qualifications. Specifically, your running mates. Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: For nearly 35 years, uh, Joe Biden has established a reputation for honesty, uh, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this nation. Uhh, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should anything happen to me.

Bob Schieffer: Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, I’ve known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years. I think he’s a good man, but let me say something here: he has never been particularly nice to Joe the Plumber. I think Joe the Plumber resents that. In fact, I KNOW he does. But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn’t be more proud of her. Now, on the question of people I’d bring into government, let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a cabinet-level Department of Plumbing. And you know how I’m going to tap for that post?

Bob Schieffer: Joe the Plumber?

Sen. John McCain: Bingo! Joe the Plumber. You’re damn straight.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, what about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in the cigar box under your box?

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because Simon… is a unicorn. And I think you know that.

Bob Schieffer: [ shakes his head ] And that concludes tonight’s third and final Presidential debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 16th, 2008

None

None

None

Chris Parnell

None


Third Presidential DebateSummary: Bob Schieffer (Chris Parnell) moderates the third Presidential debate etween Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond), as the candidates jab about Joe the Plumber.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: A crazed John McCain supporter (Kristeen Wiig) interrupts the newscast to ramble anti-Obama sentiments. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) is fueled with rage over the possibility that the “Bradley Effect” could hurt Barack Obama at the polls.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Daryl Hall…..Will Forte
John Oates…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: And I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government’s new 700 billion dollar plan saying, “It’s going to take a while.” Of course, the good news is, he’s never been right.

A new national poll suggests that six in ten Americans think another great depression is likely. But half of those people say they look forward to seeing homeless people wearing fedoras again.

Amy Poehler: The second presidential debate was held Tuesday night, and the town hall format featured an audience comprised of a diverse cross-section of eighty undecided bald dudes.

At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off of a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming: “America Runs On Dunkin.”

Seth Meyers: Last week, dozens of movie and television productions in India’s Bollywood shut down as actors and crewmembers went on strike. Hopefully the dispute can be resolved by the people that control Bollywood: the Bjews.

A friend of O.J. Simpson says that, before the start of his trial, he broke up with Christie Prody, his girlfriend of ten years. Well, he didn’t O.J. break up with her, he just regular broke up with her.

Amy Poehler: According to a new report, at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh, man, I hope that list includes armadillos ’cause, yo! I be HATIN’ armadillos!

Seth Meyers: You’ve always been hatin’ armadillos.

Amy Poehler: Always!

Seth Meyers: It’s been a rough week on Wall Street. Today alone, the Dow plunged 678 points, closing below 9,000. Here to talk more in-depth about the economic crisis is Weekend Update’s new financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth, Amy.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. Good to see you, thanks for coming. Now, we all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of what’s in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?

Oscar Rogers: Well, Seth, there was a light, but it’s broken! And somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, well, that doesn’t sound very promising.

Oscar Rogers: It’s not! These people need to FIX IT! I’ve been a financial consultant for 16 years, and I’ve never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and FIX IT! When I wake up tomorrow morning, it better be FIXED!

Seth Meyers: But how do we go about fixing it, specifically?

Oscar Rogers: Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. FIX IT! Identify another problem. FIX IT! Repeat as necessary until it is all FIXED!!

Seth Meyers: Uh — you keep saying “fix it”, but how?

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Fix what?

Oscar Rogers: IT! It needs to be FIXED! NOW!!

Seth Meyers: Any, uh — any final words? Although, I think I know what they’re gonna be.

Oscar Rogers: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think I’m gonna say, Seth?

Seth Meyers: I don’t know , probably “fix”…

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone.

Amy Poehler: The U.S. Department of Agriculture issued a warning this week, urging customers to thoroughly cook frozen chicken dinners, after 32 people got salmonella poisoning. So, I know it’s hard, but try to hold back your excitement over your frozen chicken dinner long enough for it to cook properly.

Seth Meyers: A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact.

At a House Committee hearing on Tuesday, it was revealed that, after receiving an $85 million government bailout, insurance giant AIG spent $440,000 on a luxury retreat for top earners. Which brings us to a segment we like to call “REALLY!?! WITH SETH AND AMY.”

[ art card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, AIG? Really? You went on this retreat only six days after receiving an 85 billion dollar bailout? Really? Even the mafia knows not spend money that soon after a heist. I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And the retreat was planned to recognize AIG’s top earners? Really? What does it take to be a top earner at AIG right now? Did you sell your office furniture on Craigslist?

Seth Meyers: I mean, Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And you spent $150,000 on banquets? Really? Was your waiter Prince? Did you hire robot chefs? You better have a robot chef, because, if there were any humans in the kitchen, you drank urine!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you did! You really did! Really! And, and you defended the retreat, saying it had been planned before the bailout. That’s like going ahead with Grandma’s birthday party even though Grandma died three days ago. Really!

Seth Meyers: And Really, you had to go there for teambuilding? Here’s a cheaper way to do team building. You know all those empty sacks that used to be filled with money? Get in those and race.

Amy Poehler: Yeah! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Also, the Federal Reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide AIG with a second 37 billion dollar loan, on top of the original 85 billion dollar loan. Yeah! Which brings us to a new segment we like to call, “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!”

[ art card ]

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! Are you serious, Federal Government?!

Seth Meyers: Are you really serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! It’s like you gave your junkie cousin $100 for rent, and then you ran into him at the dog track, and you gave him another $37 billion! I mean, are you serious?!

Seth Meyers: Seriously, are you serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

[ art card ]

Announcer: This has been “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” within a “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to black ]

[ return to “Weekend update” with the audience cheering ]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Welcome back to “SNL Weekend Update Thursday”! Those commercials were great!

A tavern in Japan has a pair of monkeys wearing jackets and shorts, that take hot towels out of a warm oven and give them to patrons. So business is booming over at T.G.I’ve Been Scalded by a Monkey.

The original Carvel Ice Cream store in Hartsdale, New York is closing, after more than seventy years of promoting cruelty to whales.[ picture: chocolate whale cake ]

Seth Meyers: A new video game is being developed called “Scratch: The Ultimate DJ”, which is a hip-hop version of “Guitar Hero” using a turntable controller. For kids who are too lazy to learn the fake guitar.

Cities and states across the country are facing a road salt shortage, leading many areas scrambling to stockpile before the first snow arrives. Because no one could have possibly anticipated another winter.

Amy Poehler: As the election nears, both candidates have been lining up the support of such popular musicians as Bruce Springsteen, who supports Obama, and Hank Williams Jr., who supports McCain. Here now, another politically committed musical group, Hall and Oates. [ Hall & Oates appear ] Okay, ho you doing, Hall & Oates? Okay, so — you guys, which candidate do you guys support?

Daryl Hall: Well, actually, I support Barack Obama.

John Oates: And I support John McCain.

Daryl Hall: Yeah, we don’t agree on the candidates, uh, but we do respect each others’ opinions and we believe this song gets out both of our messages fairly and equally. Hit it!

(MUSIC: “You Make My Dreams Come True”)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“What I want, you’ve got
A choice in this election.
Gotta make the right selection
Obama or McCain.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Yeah, yeah)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Two great candidates
That you can choose to vote for.
Yuo could pick the cool Black guy
Or a weird old man who’s lame.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hold up)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Well, well, you…”

John Oates: [ singing ] (ooh-ooh, hoo-ooh, ooh-ooh)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Obama makes my dreams come true!”

John Oates: [ singing ] (McCain’s good, too — ooh-hoo, McCain)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“I agree with you
McCain is bad.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I didn’t say that)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “But Obama is really good.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Not cool, you changed the words, to suit your liberal agenda)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“WEll, I heard McCain
once built his own sex dungeon.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hey, I just realzied something, you sing most of this song)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Yes, that’s true
Now you shut up, while I’m singing
about McCain’s thirst for dog blood
like a vampire, but with dogs.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (This sucks)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Not for me.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I quit, Daryl Hall, I quit)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Don’t leave, Oates
I’ll miss you.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Okay, I’m back, you convinced me)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “I’m glad that’s settled.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Me too, me too)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Let’s not ever ley politics
come between us again.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)

Amy Poehler: Hall and Oates, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: Thank you very much. See you back here next week, with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”.

Seth Meyers: Special thanks to Bill Murray and Chris Parnell. Thank you for coming back.

Amy Poehler: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Presidential Debate

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Elizabeth Wheeler…..Casey Wilson
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Quigley…..Bill Hader
Anthony Cipelli…..Bobby Moynihan
William Murray…..Bill Murray
Mark Ladue…..Jason Sudeikis
Susan Calkins…..Kristen Wiig
David Kip…..Andy Samberg
Dalton Cheeks…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Belmont University, Curb Event Center ]

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening, and welcome… [ audience applauds ] to Belmont University, in Nashville, Tennessee, for the second in a series of three Presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, and, Senator John McCain of Arizona. I’m Tom Brokaw, of NBC News, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will follow a town hall format, with questions submitted by the eighty undecided voters in our audience, as well as thousands more sent in via email. From this enormous list of penetrating, insightful, and provocative questions, I have chosen the eight least interesting. For each question, the candidates will be allowed a twenty-five second response, and, at my discretion, a three second follow-up. These are the rules both campaigns agreed upon. And our first question is for Senator Obama, and it comes from Elizabeth Wheeler.

Elizabeth Wheeler: Senator Obama. Over the last few weeks, the financial crisis which began with home foreclosures has threatened to wreck the entire economy. As President, how would you deal with this?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhh — first of all, Elizabeth, thank you for that question. There is no doubt, that after eight years of failed Republican policies, policies which Senator McCain supported, this economy is a shambles. But let me tell you, and the American people, one thing I absolutely promise…

Tom Brokaw: Time’s up! Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Elizabeth, to find any solution to this economic mess, we’re going to have to put aside partisanship. Something my opponent — [ points to Obama with his thumb ] this character here — isn’t very good at. But I’ve done my whole career. You know, my friends, I’m not the most popular guy in my own party. Just ask Senator Trent Lott. I took his car one time without asking, and totaled it. Just drove it into a wall, and walked away! I’m not going to win any popularity contests among Republicans. But, Maria, when it comes to the economy, here’s what I’d do. It’s very simple…

Tom Brokaw: Your time is up! For our next question, we’ll turn to foreign policy. The question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Kevin Quigley.

Kevin Quigley: [ reading from a card in his hand ] Senator, in recent months, Russia has threatened to cut off natural gas supplies to Europe, and invaded the Republic of Georgia. As President, how would you deal with this new Cold War threat?

Sen. John McCain: Well, first of all, Luther, thank you for your question. And let me start by saying, no foreign policy can succeed if it’s not bi-partisan. So I would first… reach out for the support of Senate Democrats. And if that bothers my fellow Republicans, frankly, I don’t care. Ask Lindsay Graham. I once flushed three cherry bombs down the toilet of his Senate office. Absolutely destroyed the plumbing. I’m willing to buck members of my own party. Now, Eduardo, as to dealing with Russia… I would order all our nuclear-armed B-52s into the airspace over that country. And I would deliver the following message to Mr. Putin and Medvedev… my friends —

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain, your time is up! Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, Kevin, by way of answering your very profound question, let me tell you about an experience I once had. And, this is a story I’ve never told anyone. Now, uh, when I was a young boy, uh, maybe eight or nine, I was taken aboard an alien spacecraft. And held there for about two Earth Weeks. And, I’ll never forget something the leader of that alien crew told me…

Tom Brokaw: That’s it, Senator Obama! Your time is up.

Sen. Barack Obama: If I could, uh, this is a really interesting story.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, these were rules BOTH campaigns agreed on!

Sen. Barack Obama: But…

Tom Brokaw: Our next question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Anthony Cipelli.

Anthony Cipelli: Thank you. Senator McCain, over the last ten years or so, it seems Americans have grown increasingly divided from one another. How would you bring this nation together?

Sen. John McCain: Oscar, that’s a very good question. And here’s my answer. I would continue what I’ve done for 25 years, which is to reach across party lines. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] Something that “pee-pants” over here would never even consider! Because, you see, Zebediah, I don’t mind upsetting members of my own party. Elizabeth Dole will tell you. I once got a hold of one of her checkbooks, and kited checks all over Washington! I ruined her credit rating! [ quickly ] She’d be the first to agree, I’m no slave to Republican orthodoxy. How was my time?

Tom Brokaw: Just made it.

Sen. John McCain: Yes!!!

Tom Brokaw: Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ throughout this answer, McCain wanders around the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame ] Anthony, you’ve hit the question. How do we as a people come together? So, let me tell you another story I’ve never shared before. One I left out of my second book. It’s about a man I met many years ago in Chicago. And, uh, at first, I thought, we had almost nothing in common. But over the course of working together, year in, year out. Talking to each other, and most important, listening to each other, we became friends. Sharing not only that friendship, but our plans for this country’s future. And that man — my best friend, and my mentor — is former Weather Underground leader, and un-repentant terrorist, William Ayers. Now, I’m telling you this because, I’m so far ahead in the polls right now, it’s not going to matter.

Tom Brokaw: Thank you, Senator. 1.6 seconds over. We now have a question for both candidates. And it’s from William Murray.

[ the audience cheers and applauds the sight of Bill Murray ]

William Murray: Senator Obama, Senator McCain… Last week, in the National League Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game One, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game Two, they lost 10-3. And in Game Three, 3-1. What, as President, would you do to guarantee this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh — that’s a fair question, William. But let’s face it. The Cubs may very well be in the Playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again. And they’re going to keep right on losing, year after year, after year. Because that, that is what the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean Cubs fans away from supporting that team, and re-train them to root for other teams, teams that will actually have a chance of winning.

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Here, I have to agree with my opponent. Let me give you some straight talk, my friends. The Cubs will never win the pennant. Much less the World Series. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] “Junior” over there, he won’t tell you that. [ he laughs ] I just did!

Tom Brokaw: Alright, we’ve fallen a bit behind, so we’re going to pick up the pace. Our next question is from Mark Ladue, and it’s for Senator McCain.

Mark Ladue: Senator McCain, uh, while here in the U.S., our economy is suffering; in Iraq, there is an economic boom. Shouldn’t the government of that country reimburse us the cost of the war?

Sen. John McCain: My friends…

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Time! We’ll go now to Susan Calkins who has a question for Senator Obama. Ms. Calkins, quickly.

Susan Calkins: Senator Obama. Healthcare costs have exploded. As a full-time —

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Ms. Calkins, I’m sorry! Your time is up!

Susan Calkins: [ she scowls and sits ]

Tom Brokaw: We’ve almost no time left, and I’d like to get both our remaining questions in. So I’m going to ask David Kip and Dalton Cheeks to read them simultaneously.

(at the same time:)

David Kip: Senator Obama. As a teacher, I find myself dealing with larger and larger classes, but without a corresponding increase in resources. As president, how would you address this?

Dalton Cheeks: Senator McCain. Like yourself, I am a military veteran. And in dealing with the Veterans Administration, it seems we’re left to fend for ourselves. How, as President, could you help?

Tom Brokaw: Senators, your simultaneous responses?

(at the same time, split screen:)

Sen. Barack Obama: That’s an excellent question, David. And let me say, teachers are too important to the future of this country, to leave them in this outrageous situation. When I am President, this will change. And that’s change you can believe in.

Sen. John McCain: Thank you for that question, Dalton. And let me tell you something. In a McCain Presidency, no veteran will go without the help he needs. That’s one promise I will never break. As sure as I’m a maverick. A reform-minded, straight-talking maverick.

Tom Brokaw: (clicks stop watch) Unbelievable! That’s unbelievable! We got every question in, with nine seconds to spare.

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain high five ]

Tom Brokaw: So, clearly, this has been…

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain wanders the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame during Brokaw’s closing]

…one of the finest Presidential debates ever. Uh, I’d like to thank the candidates… gentlemen, you’re blocking my prompter there…

[Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clear out of the shot ]

…I’d like to thank the candidates, our audience, and Belmont University. From all of us here in Nashville, good night, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Ian Manka & Larkin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 9th, 2008

None

None

None

Chris Parnell

Bill Murray

None


Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the second Presidential debate and town hall forum between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Regarding the economic crisis, financial expert Oscar Rogers says we need to “Fix it!” Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when AIG overspends on a luxury retreat following the bailout crisis, then are furtherly flabbergasted to ask “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) sing a partisan campaign tune that leans closer to supporting Barack Obama.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts