[ open on C-Span card: “NEXT: Colonel Moammer Gadhafi speaks to the United Nation’s General Assembly” ]
Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the United Nations General Assembly, where Colonel Moammer Gadhafi is returning to the lectern to address criticism of his speech Wednesday morning.
[ dissolve to Gadhafi at the lectern; He speaks rapidly in his foreign tongue as a translator outlines the highlights of his speech. ]
Translator V/O: Hello… I am here today to apologize for my speech on Wednesday. It was just so long, and so rambling, and it didn’t make any sense. I watched a tape of it, and I was like, “Who is that guy?” But allow me to explain. As I mentioned in my speech on Wednesday… I was suffering from extreme jet lag. Just to explain the scope of this jet lag… my home in Libya is six hours ahead of New York. Six. Can you imagine this? If it is nine a.m. here… it is three p.m. there. If it is one p.m. here, it is seven a.m. there. I could go on, but… I believe you get the picture. [ quickly ] Four p.m. — ten p.m. That will be my last example. No man who is six hours away from where his natural body clock is telling him he is… can be held to account for his words or actions. When it’s lunch time here… I want dinner. This is no way to live!
On top of this mind-bending jet lag, I have also been having problems with my giant tent. For those of you who do not know: when I travel, I have a large tent that I like to bring with me. For this, I am scorned as some kind of weirdo. Despite my high diplomatic station… my tent and I were turned away by Central Park… Westchester County… and, worst of all, Inglewood, New Jersey. Imagine me, the world’s longest-serving leader, agreeing to stay in Inglewood, New Jersey as a last resort… only to be told that Inglewood, New Jersey, did not want me. Inglewood, New Jersey! Lets just say I will not be flying home to brag about that… both because it is embarrassing and also because, with the time difference… anyone I would call home to in Libya will be sound asleep. Try to wrap your head around that.
So I was dealing with both jet lag and a tent situation. Making matters worse… the computer with my speech crashed. So I had to write one at the last minute on loose leaf paper. And that made me look crazy. This was crushing, because I had written my speech on the plane ride here… instead of watching the in-flight movie “Taken” staring Liam Neeson. Everyone - and I mean everyone — on the plane was watching “Taken”. Imagine trying to write a speech, while out of the corner of your eye the great Liam Neeson… is running through Paris trying to recover his daughter… stopping everyone who gets in his way with both his intellect and his strength. This was no fun for me. But I made the sacrifice and I wrote my speech. Then — boom! — computer crash. Turned it on, and there was that rainbow pinwheel. [ he looks offscreen ] What is that called? The pinwheel when your computer crashes? It looks like the Trivia Pursuit piece with all the pies? It has no name? Ohhhh, well.
I considered taking my computer to an IT specialist, but — wothout going into too many details — there are things on my computer that I would not want anyone to see. And, no — it is not terrorist stuff. It was just “guy” stuff. Do not judge me! Every guy here knows what I’m talking about. Ahmadinejad knows what I’m talking about! [ Gadhafi laughs ] He will deny it… but he denies everything. If you do not get that joke… it is a reference to him denying the Holocaust.
What else has gone wrong? Oh! I forgot to pack my ceremonial robes with the giant, black Africa medallion… so we had to drive all the way to Flatbush Island to replace it. There goes an hour!
Okay. They’re giving me the “wrap it up” sign. In closing, I think Obama is a great Son of Africa… Vishnu (?) is coming, and you can’t stop it… and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Female Passenger…..Abby Elliott Male Passenger…..Andy Samberg Flight Attendant #1…..Kristen Wiig Flight Attendant #2…..Megan Fox Voice of Pilot…..Bill Hader Other Passengers…..Bobby Moynihan, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate, John Lutz, Hannibal Buress, Ryan Perez, Christine Nangle
[ open on stock footage of airplane flying through the air ]
[ dissolve to interior, passengers in their seats ]
Female Passenger: I cannot believe our vacation is over!
Male Passenger: I know. Now we have to go back home to Hawaii.
[ she rolls her eyes at him, as the two Flight Attendants enter from the cabin and grab PA mikes ]
Flight Attendant #1: [ in a twangy southern voice ] Ladies and gentlemen… would you just stay seated, with your seatbelts fastened?
Flight Attendant #2: [ in an equally twangy southern voice ] It’s gonna be a bumpy ride for a little bit — okay?
Flight Attendant #1: Okay? Thank yeeeeewwww!
[ they retreat to the cabin ]
Female Passenger: We’d better buckle up.
[ everyone buckles up, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s me again. The pilot just informed me that we are headed for some suh-vere turbulence. Okaaaay? He said it’s gonna be really bad. So just stay seated with your belts buckled, ’cause he said this is gonna be terrible.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
Male Passenger: Wait… wait a minute. What did she say?
Female Passenger: [ nervous ] Yeah. That didn’t sound so good.
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Uh, folks? I did want to let you know that your oxygen masks will be released from above you, okaaay? Do not panic — the pilot is scared.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers look at one another with mild panic, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Everyone, everyone, please — I did just speak with the pilot, and he said he’s gonna do his very best… to stay in control of the plane. Okaay? But, if he doesn’t, you canNOT act crazy!
[ she retreats to the cabin, with a quick smile back ]
[ the passengers steadily grow worried, unsure of what is going on ]
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Uh, ladies and gentlemen — we have decided to land in the oceaaan.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
Male Passenger: What?!
Female Passenger: The ocean?!
[ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Okay, folks! Folks, folks! Please calm down! We have decided NOT to land in the ocean. Okay? We have spoken with our control tower, and, apparently… the force of these winds are just gonna end up ripping the plane into different parts — okaaay? — before we land. Okay? So just make sure all your items are neatly stowed beneath you, uh, just in case the plane does… rip in half… you will have your items with yeeew… on your half.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers are now visibly panicked ]
Female Passenger: You’re not supposed to say that..!
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gnetlemen… [ she sighs ] You’re not gonna like this… but… I just checked, and… we are all out of terra blue chips. So…
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers are incredulous at this lack of priority ]
[ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen! I know, I know — there are no chips. I know. Listen, you really need to calm down, okay? Because the pilot… is in the cockpit… and he is crying… and freaking out, and… screaming, and shaking. Okay? He just got sick… on some of his buttons. Okay? So I’m gonna need y’all to be my strong bunch. [ she grins ] Okay? I’m gonna see if I can sneak you guys some pretzels!
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers argue amongst themselves about the misplaced priority regarding the pretzels ]
[ Flight Attendants #1 and #2 returns to the PA at the same time ]
Together: Okay, ladies and gentlemen — [ they express shock and talk over themselves ] Oh, my God..! Yew came out at the same time..? What the heck are we doing..? I can’t believe we did that..!
Male Passenger: [ interrupting ] Hey! Hey! What the hell’s happening? This isn’t funny.
Flight Attendant #2: No, sir. You’re right, this is not funny. But, you know what is? The show “Monk”.
Flight Attendant #1: [ amused ] Oh, my gosh! You do NOT stop talking about “Monk”, starring Tony Shaloub! I’m gonna have to start calling you Rhonda “Monk” Wilson!
Flight Attendant #2: What?! Why?! Who’s that?!
Flight Attendant #1: It’s yeew! Yew love “Monk”!
Flight Attendant #2: But mah name’s not Rhonda Wilson! It’s Carla — Carla Gillepsie! I don’t get it!
Flight Attendant #1: I mean, what’s to get?! I gave you a new name, with “Monk” in the middle! You love “Monk”!
Flight Attendant #2: So?! Why do I need a new name with my favorite TV show in the middle of it?!
Flight Attendant #1: I was trying something! I made a mistake!
Female Passenger: Okay, excuse me? Ladies!
Male Passenger: Ladies!
Female Passenger: Can you please just tell us what’s going on?!
[ the other passengers join in the chorus ]
Flight Attendant #1: Okay… okay… ladies and gentlemen… ladies and gentlemen… okay, here is the update — please. What is happening is this: Carla and I are fighting… because I put “Monk” in the middle of her name, and that wasn’t her —
Male Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about!
Female Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about! What’s wrong with the plane? Are we gonna die?!
Flight Attendant #1: Ma’am… from what I do know about these things… it does depend on where you’re sitting. But I don’t know. I don’t know. [ she glances to the passenger across the aisle and whispers ] You guys are fine… you guys are fine.
[ the other passengers can her this, and start arguing about it ]
Voice of Pilot: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Looks like we’re going to attempt a landing. However, we’re almost out of fuel, annnnd the landing gear’s not going to be down.
[ there’s a delayed reaction as the passengers loudly panic ]
Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, please do not panic. We’re just gonna glide right on in!
Flight Attendant #1: Uh, at about 700 miles per hour. You know what? But don’t worry, we’re gonna ask for some pat.
Flight Attendant #2: And foam!
Flight Attendant #1: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna get you guys those pretzels. I’m gonna get those pretzels!
[ they retreat into the cabin ]
Female Passenger: We don’t want pretzels!!
[ more panic and unrest, as the camera pulls back ]
Mr. Colon…..Will Forte Vlad…..Bill Hader Katya…..Megan Fox Svetlana…..Fred Armisen
[ open on building exterior, Moscow, Russia ]
[ dissolve to interior room ]
Vlad: How have you found Russia so far, Mr. Colon?
Mr. Colon: Well, it’s a great country, Vlad, I’m having a heck of a time!
Vlad: Yes, yes… Now, let’s get down to business, shall we? You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?
Mr. Colon: [ smiling ] That’s why I’m here!
Vlad: Yes. You narrowed down your selection to two women from our online database? [ Mr. ?? nods ] Are you ready to meet them in person, before you make your final choice?
Mr. Colon: [ excited ] Yes, please, I am SO ready!
Vlad: Alright. [ he calls out ] Katya! Svetlana!
[ two women enter the room, one a beautiful, slender model type, the other one little more than a man in a dress and wig ]
Mr. Colon: [ swooning ] I am instantly in love!
Vlad: I thought you might be. Now, before we go any further, I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] How much cheaper?
Vlad: Ten dollars.
Mr. Colon: Oh… okay. This is going to be verrry, very hard. Uh, can they understand what we’re saying?
Vlad: No, not at all.
Mr. Colon: Alright, let’s see… [ thinking ] Hmm… Katya has a very beautiful face… she looks young and healthy, and clean…
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: [ to the point ] But Svetlana is ten dollars cheaper.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Svetlana. It looks like you pulled her out of a drain. Like a shower drain. You know, with hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Mildew, dead skin, just like the oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain.
Vlad: [ annoyed ] Yes. I am familiar with this drain.
Mr. Colon: But… ten dollars cheaper. Ah, this is tough! I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?
Vlad: Yes. Not at all.
Mr. Colon: Katya! What are some of your interests?
[ Vlad translates to Katya, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: She says, “Sweing, pleasing my husband, and playing Fantas.”
Mr. Colon: And Svetlana?
[ Vlad translates to Svetlana, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana has no interests.
Mr. Colon: And which one is cheaper, again?
Vlad: Svetlana.
Mr. Colon: Right. Svetlana. But ten dollars… So, Katya is $60,000, and Svetlana is $59,990.
Vlad: Exactly!
Mr. Colon: Damn! How am I ever going to choose?
Vlad: Perhaps you could ask the ladies to wink at you. Would that help?
Mr. Colon: [ he laughs ] It couldn’t hurt!
[ Vlad translates to the two women, and Katya answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.
Mr. Colon: [ pleased ] Great!
[ Svetlana answers in Russian ]
Vlad: And Svetlana cannot wink, only blink.
[ Katya winks and blows a sultry kiss ]
[ Svetlana uses all of her might to blink both of her eyes together ]
Mr. Colon: [ impressed ] Wooooww! Wow! [ he catches his breath ] So, basically, it’s a choice between Katya… or this one and ten dollars.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Okay. Guilty pleasures?
[ Vlad translates to the two women: Katya answers in Russian as Svetlana pokes herself in the arm ]
Vlad: Katya: oral sex; Svetlana: heroin.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana would like to show her “talent” to you.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] Oh! Great! I would love that!
[ Svetlana starts jerking her body awkwardly and sings Madonna’s “Into The Groove” ]
Mr. Colon: Hmmmm… still not convinced either way. One more question. Okay. Have either of them been married?
[ Vlad translates to the two women ]
Katya: Nyet!
Vlad: Katya: no.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana was married a long time… he was love of her life… Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her, so, in his sleep, she KILLED him with her fists… before she realized that it was her own lipstick she found on his neck… But it was far too late — he was dead.
Mr. Colon: Wow… I guess it’s pretty clear who the right choice for me is. [ anxxiously ] Which one is cheaper, again?
Employee…..Fred Armisen Co-worker…..Will Forte Testimonial #1…..Bill Hader Testimonial #2…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on men’s room, businessmen scattering about the urinals ]
[ Employee stands before a urinal trying to pee in solace, as his co-worker steps forward and wraps an arm around his shoulder ]
Co-worker: Hey, buddy! I need to get those sales numbers from you.
Announcer: Are you one of the tens of thousands of men who suffer from Shy Bladder Syndrome?
[ Employee nods ]
Announcer: Well, what do you have to be afraid of? Ask your doctor if Bladdivan is right for you.
[ reveal product slide ]
[ dissolve to Testimonial #1 ]
Testimonial #1: My bladder was so shy that I had to hide in the janitor’s closet with an empty bottle every time I needed to make “water”! Thanks to Bladdivan… [ cue sprinkling sound effect ] I’m peeing right now!
Announcer: Bladdivan is a combination of several drugs, a powerful diaretic, coupled with a cocktail of anti-anxiety medications.
[ dissolve to Testimonial #2 ]
Testimonial #2: Oh, sure, I’ve heard about the side effects. But, for me, it’s worth it. Before I — [ cue sprinkling sound effect ] Oh! Oh! Oh! [ he chuckles ] I just peed! And I do not care! [ he chuckles ] Still going… and we’re done — no! [ sound effect stops ] Now!
[ show footage of Testimonial #2 spraying his wife and kids with a Super soaker squirt gun ]
Announcer: So, go ahead — urinate on your terms. Common side effects associated with Bladdivan include: Peeing yourself… and Peeing yourself and not really caring that you just peed yourself.
[ cut back to co-workers walking down the hall, stopping in front of the men’s room ]
Announcer: So say goodbye to chrnoic Shy Bladder Syndrome — with Bladdivan.
[ Co-worker stops in front an the one empty urinal in the crowded men’s room ]
[ Employee enters, sees no available slots, but winks at the camera before squeezing in next to ?? ]
Employee: Now, uh — about those figures..?
Co-worker: [ glances downward ] Very impressive!
[ they laugh and turn to smile into the camera ]
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: Don’t be shy. Ask your doctor about Bladdivan today.
Dawn….Jenny Slate Beth….Kristen Wiig Donna….Megan Fox
[Opens with hard rock music in a room with the walls filled with license plates and a leather sofa]
[Biker Chick Chat logo]
Announcer: It’s Biker Chick Chat with Dawn.
[Dawn dances to the rock, she wears acid-wash jeans, black shirt, jacket vest, big sprayed hair]
Dawn: Welcome to Biker Chick Chat. I’m Dawn. I do me. This is my show. Either love it or change the frickin’ channel. Ok? I’d like to introduce my frickin’ co-host, my mom’s best friend. Please welcome, Beth.
[Beth is smoking, she nods, she has jean shorts, tank top, frizzy blond hair]
Dawn: Hey, Beth. What’d you do this weekend?
Beth: I frickin’ drank beer and made jean shorts.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you.
Beth: I frickin’ know. So, who’s your first guest?
Dawn: Are you frickin’ kidding me right now? It is who it always is, its my frickin’ best friend, Donna!
Beth: Get off my frickin’ back! I know its Donna. I was just trying to make an atmosphere.
Dawn: Then bust into a frickin’ Yankee Candle Store and get a frickin’ Bayberry candle.
Beth: You know what? [throws ashtray against the wall]
Dawn: You frickin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head. You know what? You stood up for yourself and I fuckin’ love you for that.
[Jenny puffs her cheeks once she realizes she said “fuckin'” instead of “frickin'”]
Beth: [cigarette dangling from her lip] You’re in my heart, babe. You’re in my heart.
Dawn: All right. I swear to God, I’ll do anything for my first guest. One time the mom of the ex-girlfriend of my current boyfriend at the time frickin’ came over to my frickin’ family house and tried to throw one of those frickin’ tray loads of burning hot ass jalapenos peppers in my face. Donna threw a jacket over my face, how many times do I have to frickin say this? She saved my frickin’ face! For cryin’ out loud! Give it the freak up for Donna.
[Donna comes out with a big plaster on her leg]
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: Im alright.
Dawn: Ok.
Donna: I will. And if you don’t like it, don’t have me on your friggin show.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you. I see you got some new plaster.
Donna: Yeah, I frickin fell off a dirt bike in a dirt bike store.
Dawn: How’d that happened?
Donna: You just frickin’ fall down and the next thing you know your face is on the frickin’ floor and that beautiful bike is sleeping on top of you.
Beth: You know, the frays from my frickin’ jean shorts got twirled up in my frickin’ spokes on my boyfriend’s dirt bike once. He drove off and it ripped these ladies off, leaving my girl buck nude and by girl I mean my frickin’ front bum. This. [points at her crotch] Ya know what? [throws another ashtray against the wall]
Donna: One time I flipped over the frickin’ handle bars in my dirt bike and you know what I frickin’ got on my front bum? A grass stain.
Dawn: That’s why I frickin’ love both of you. My frickin’ best friend Donna and my frickin’ mom’s best friend Beth.
[Beth smashes another ashtray on the floor]
Donna: You know what? You know what? We are having a major friggin moment right now. And I wish we were all on a frickin’ dirt bike.
Dawn: All right, Donna. I know why you’re here. Ya got a grievance you want to air the freak out of.
Donna: Truth. My boyfriend bought a frickin’ gorgeous above ground pool. We frickin’ loved the frig out of it. It was frickin’ paradise. Then one day we were floating the frig around in there and the frickin’ walls fell outward. I mean, the fool [correcting herself] the pool became a frickin’ flat circle. Then we rode a frickin’ weird ass wave all the way down to the interstate and ended up in a frickin’ parking lot at a frickin’ Friendly’s. It was a frickin’ heartbreak.
Dawn: That’s frickin’ biblical. You know about my frickin’ above ground pool. I frickin’ tried to jump the frickin’ pool on my dirt bike. But that wasn’t the disaster, the disaster was that my dad’s girlfriend was in there with her frickin’ mom. My dad’s girlfriend was on “Rock of Love”. She’s my frickin’ hero… so frickin’ embarrassed.
Beth: A bird died in my stand-up pool filter system. I didn’t know it was frickin’ dead so I was swimming around in frickin’ dead bird broth for almost two frickin’ months! You know what?! [smashes another ashtray against the floor]
Dawn: Beth, that’s frickin’ disgusting. Next week, Donna is gonna help me pick out a frickin mini-fridge. On behalf of me, my frickin best friend Donna and my mom’s frickin best friend Beth, you just do you and we’re gonna be fine. I frickin’ love you.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 26th, 2009 Megan Fox U2 None Brian Austin Green John Lutz Emily Spivey
United Nations General AssemblySummary: Moammar Gadhafi (Fred Armisen) addresses the United Nations General Assembly to give excuses for his earlier speech. Transcript
Montage
Megan Fox’s MonologueSummary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for. Transcript
BladdivanSummary: The pill that helps men combat Shy Bladder Syndrome. Transcript
Flight AttendantsSummary: Flight attendants (Kristen Wiig, Megan Fox) are unnaturally upbeat and bubbly while announcing devastating news from the cabin. Transcript
Russian BridesSummary: Mr. Colon (Will Forte) can’t decide whether to choose attractive Russian bride (Megan Fox) or hulky, mannish Russian bride (Fred Armisen) with lesser qualities for ten dollars cheaper. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway. Transcript
Grady Wilson’s Burning up the BedsheetsSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets. Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.
U2 performs “Breathe”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart. Recurring Characters: Jean K. Jean, Judy Grimes. Transcript
Live LoungeSummary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it. Transcript
U2 performs “Moment of Surrender”
Biker Chick ChatSummary: Dawn (Jenny Slate) hosts a freakin’ talk show for freakin’ biker chicks. Note: Jenny Slate accidentally says “fuckin'” in her sketch debut. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets “Megan’s Roommate”, the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan). Transcript
Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get ReadySummary: Megan Fox chats with her friend’s mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry. Transcript
Goodnights / U2 performs “Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Mostly GarbageSummary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal. Note: This filmed parody will appear in next week’s episode hosted by Ryan Reynolds.
Last RitesSummary: Dying man’s (Bill Hader) body makes funny noises after he passes.
Crotch RocketsSummary: Actress (Megan Fox) keeps slapping co-star (Andy Samberg) during a scene.
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returns early for its thirty-fourth season, raring to make up for time lost during last season’s Writer’s Strike with a string of performances that include an Election year special and mini-broadcasts on Thursday nights. Assisting in the election year humor were frequent guest appearances by former cast members Tina Fey and Will Ferrell as Republican running mate Gov. Sarah Palin and soon-to-be ex-President George W. Bush. The real Palin would also make a guest appearance as herself, as would Sen. John McCain in a separate episode. Cast member Amy Poehler went on temporary hiatus due to maternity leave, and then left “SNL” altogether midseason to star in her own prime-time sitcom, “Parks and Recreation”, by the Spring. For the first time since Colin Quinn hlemed the anchorman chair, “Weekend Update” would return to its roots as a solo anchor gig, now performed exclusively by long-time cast member and current Head Writer Seth Meyers. Although it has yet to be stated officially, speculation is that Darrell Hammond has finally retired from “SNL”‘s cast after a record-breaking fourteen seasons.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Fred Armisen Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson …..Andy Samberg Lunch Man…..Fred Armisen Basketball Man…..Jason Sudeikis Woman…..Casey Wilson Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
While campaigning for Barack Obama this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan: “Jobs, baby, jobs”. While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan: “Please, baby, please.”
The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to U.S. ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.
Seth Meyers: In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that, when the media criticizes her children, “the mama grizzly in me comes out, and makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin only moments before she shot it from a helicopter.
India, on Tuesday, launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.
Amy Poehler: Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber”, said, this week, that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though, unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.
Seth Meyers: With the Presidential election only twelve days away, here is our own Fred Armisen, to show us how things are shaping up in voting districts all around the country. He’ll be using our new Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map.
[ cut to Fred Armisen across the stage, standing in front of the giant touch screen ]
Fred Armisen: Thank you! Thank you, Seth and Amy! Okay, let’s get right to the Mega Map! [ he taps “Primary Map” button, as a map of the United States scrolls onto the screen ] Great. Okay, one thing we’re gonna look at — we’re gonna want to look at Pennsylvania. Let’s look at that. [ he taps the state of Pennsylvania, which turns blue and zooms inward on county districts ] Let’s look at Harrisburg — get in really close to that. [ he zooms in on Harrisburg ] Fantastic! Let’s go back a little bit… [ he taps the screen to zoom back outward ] Back a little bit more… back a little bit more.
And… let’s go over to Idaho. [ he taps Idaho and zooms inward ] Let’s take a look at that. Let’s take a really close look at it — really, really close! Really, really close! [ he zooms into Custer County ] Excellent! Let’s go back to the map. [ he zooms back to the full country outline ]
Now, the country can be moved up and down, like so… [ he tocuhes the center of the map and sways the country up and down ] Also, don’t forget, you can also shrink it, and you can put it in your pocket, if you need to. [ he shrinks the country and scrolls it toward himself ]
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Electoral Map” button, as a multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, let’s look at some of the states here. Remember: you can always change some of the colors. [ he taps various states and changes the colors ] You’ve got blue… blue again… a little bit of a red… red over there… a little bit of blue. [ he touches a color palette on the side of the screen and begins to draw in green on the middle of the map ] And, if you want make something out of green, we’ve got… a little face here, some whiskers… you can make a cat! [ a green cat face is revealed ] A lovely triangle nose, in that.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Primary Map” button, as the blue map re-appears ]
Okay, let’s go back to the other map. Excellent! Okay, let’s lookat Ohio… [ he taps Ohio and zooms into an aeriel shot of the counties ] Let’s look really close. Let’s look at Cleveland — the Cleveland area. Let’s get in really close. Really, really close… move it over. [ inward zoom of aeriel shot of a section of Cleveland ] You can see the top of a warehouse. We’re really gonna want to look at that — very, very important. We’re gonna want to look at that warehouse.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Game Board” button, as another multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, now let’s take a look at Oregan. Let’s move it out into the ocean. [ he touches Oregan and pulls it apart from the rest of the map ] It’s gonna be — its gonna be surrounded by water. That’s very, very dangerous. [ he taps Minnesota ] Let’s take Minnesota… let’s put it right over Virginia. [ he pulls Minnesota over Virginia ] Minnesota’s very heavy — imagine the sheer weight of it. Uh — here’s New York right there. [ he taps New York ] New York was there in 2004, as well. And we can shake it around like that. [ he moves New York back and forth ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry. Uh, Fred — what are you showing us, exactly? It seems like you just got this thing, and, you know, just want to play around with it.
Fred Armisen: [ he laughs ] Actually, what I’m doing is very important and informational.
Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s a really expensive piece of equipment, Fred, and I kind of feel like you’re wasting our time.
Fred Armisen: Right. Okay, where are you from, exactly?
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire.
Fred Armisen: New Hampshire? What a pretty state. [ he taps New Hampshire ] Wouldn’t it be a drag if we pulled it over… to Mexico? [ he pulls New Hampshire past Texas, then mocks Seth with a Mexican accent ]
Amy Poehler: Okay, Fred. Come on, stop goofing around.
Fred Armisen: Ohhh… [ his time threatened, Fred slaps both hands upon the map spreads all the states around ]
Amy Poehler: Hey! Don’t do that!
Seth Meyers: Come on, Fred! Put those states back where they belong!
Fred Armisen: Check out Michigan — I can make it BOUNCE! [ he taps Michigan and flicks it to the bottom of the screen ]
Seth Meyers: Very good.
Amy Poehler: Fred Armisen, everybody! That’s a high-end piece of equipment.
The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be “better off” with him in Malawi, now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Said the son, “Nope, I’m good,” and continued on his way to baby yoga class.
Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman”, a goldfish. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?
Seth Meyers: The Stock Market tumbled yet again yesterday, increasing fears that the global economy is already in a recession. Here to comment, once again, is “Weekend Update”‘s very own financial consultant, Oscar Rogers.
Oscar Rogers: [ breathless ] Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth and Amy.
Seth Meyers: Um — okay, Oscar. Last week, the Stock Market wasup nearly 500 points, and yesterday it was down more than 400 points. Do you see any hints that this roller coaster ride will be ending any time soon?
Oscar Rogers: Very good analogy, Seth! The Market is very close like a — it’s VERY much like a roller coaster ride, and I do believe it is about to end! But, before we get off, we will come to find that our digital cameras have fallen out of our shirt pocket, our brand new Ray-bans have flown off our head, and we are about to finiancially BARF on ourselves!!
Seth Meyers: Well, so what do we do?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s actually very simple: somebody needs to get on top of the situation, and FIX IT!! Seth, I haven’t slept in two weeks! Somebody needs to look at this mess, and FIX IT!! Tomorrow morning, when I have my bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios, the morning paper better read: “IT’S BEEN FIXED!!”
Seth Meyers: So, what exactly should be done?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s not rocket science, Seth. It’s a simple three-step process. Step 1: FIX! Step 2: IT! Step 3: FIX IT!! Then, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until it’s all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: This is a lot of the same advince you gave last time.
Oscar Rogers: That’s true, Seth. Very similar. But, let me ask you: has it been FIXED?!
Seth Meyers: [ meekly ] I guess not.
Oscar Rogers: What do you think — what do you think they need to do, Seth?
Seth Meyers: I guess, fix —
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!!!
Seth Meyers: How do we begin to fix…
Oscar Rogers: By FIXING IT!!
Seth Meyers: Who’s gonna fix it?
Oscar Rogers: THEY are!! THEY gonna FIX IT, because THEY BROKE IT!!! FIXITFIXIT!!! TO-DAY!!
Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone. We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!
[ fade to commercial, then return to the newsdesk ]
Amy Poehler: Thank you! And welcome back!
Seth Meyers: Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal, said on Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.
The first commercial cell phone call in the U.S. was made twenty-five years ago this week, by Bob Barnett, on a phone that cost almost $4,000 and weighed twenty-eight ounces. We have a recording of that historic 1983 call.
[ cut to on-screen text ]
Female Voice: Hello?
Male Voice: Honey, guess what? I’m calling from the car on this new portable cell phone that I just bought!
Female Voice: That sounds neat. Oh, I got your parachute pants back from the dry cleaners.
Male Voice: Did they get the “Bartles & James” stain out?
Female Voice: Yes. Hey, only eight months until the “Ghostbusters” movie!
Male Voice: Total Pac-man Fever.
Female Voice: What? Can’t hear you.
Male Voice: Sorry, I’m cranking Quarterflash on the radio.
Female Voice: Oh my God, they’re the best and they will always be the best. By the way, how much did that phone cost?
Male Voice: $4,000.
Female Voice: What?!
Male Voice: Honey, I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.
Female Voice: Cutting out? what does cutting out mean?
[ cut back to Amy and Seth at the news desk ]
Amy Poehler: Should we tell them?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, let’s tell them.
Together: That was US!!
Seth Meyers: Those were our voices!
A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of Charm”, which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.
There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling children, because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.
As we saw in the 2000 election, every vote counts. And, with this election, more than ever, the outcome will be decided by new voters. Our youth reproter, Andy Samberg, filed this report.
[ cut to Andy Samberg on tape, standing within the city ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, America! Andy Samberg here. As we all know, we’re coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, but what you might be surprised to know is that there’s still TONS of Americans who still aren’t registered to vote. So we’re going to hit the streets and see if we can’t teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a man eating lunch at an outdoor table ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Lunch Man: No.
Andy Samberg: May I ask why not?
Lunch Man: I just don’t see the point.
Andy Samberg: Fair enough, But, what if I told you that for the next four years, you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries?
Lunch Man: Oh. The, uh —
Andy Samberg: Too late! [ he grabs the man’s hot dog ] The decision’s been made FOR you, and now you’re stuck with french fries for the next four years.
Lunch Man: Wow! I never thought of it that way. I think I will vote.
Andy Samberg: That’s what I thought. [ he bites into the hot dog ]
Lunch Man: Oh, careful. Spicy hot link.
Andy Samberg: I think I can handle it!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a man standing at a car holding a basketball ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Basketball Man: Uh, no — no, I’m not.
Andy Samberg: Well, let me ask you this: which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house?
[ suddenly, Andy begins to gag from the hot dog ]
Basketball Man: You all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I ate a spicy hot dog earlier, I’m fine.
Basketball Man: Uh — I guess, if I had to choose one, I’d choose my house.
Andy Samberg: Too late! The decision’s been made for you! [ he holds up the man’s car keys, then begins to choke ]
Basketball Man: Are you sure you’re all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah… I’m fine.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a woman on the street ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, ma’am, are you registered to vote?
Woman: Uhh – no, I’m not.
[ suddenly, Andy vomits into the street ]
Woman: Oh, my God!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy interviewing a black man ]
Andy Samberg: So, see, if you don’t choose, someone else will choose for you.
Black Man: Well, I guess you have a point. I never relaly thought about that, I —
[ suddenly, Andy vomits across the black man’s shirt ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a hardcore black man on the street, then quickly turning away as his mouth begins to twitch and vomits instead on his boom mike man ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ the boom mike man vomits as well ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy sitting along a bench ]
Andy Samberg: Can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something? [ he’s handed another spicy hot dog ] Thank you. [ he begins to eat the hot dog, then twitches ] It’s a hot dog! [ he vomits the piece of hot dog he chewed on ]
[ cut to Andy running toward a garbage can and vomiting into it ]
[ cut to andy comiting alongside a bus ]
[ cut to Andy vomiting down his own shirt ]
[ to a passerby ] Are you registered to vote?
[ cut to Andy chasing after a second woman ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, Ma’am? Are you registered to vote?
Second Woman: You smell like puke.
Andy Samberg: Will you please talk to me? I’m trying to help register voters before the election.
Second Woman: The deadline for that was, like, two weeks ago.
Andy Samberg: It was..?
Second Woman: Yeah! [ she quickly walks away ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ dissolve back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Andy.
Amy Poehler: That was a very intelligent, insightful report. Very insightful!
Two British women who were lifelong friends, were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.
According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Seth Meyers: A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner of this year’s Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden. Though, I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name: Platina Luna Hussein Blade Runner.
Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick, Coco, who wandered away from the facility. “They went thataway,” said a man and his friend who looked nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. We’ll be right back.
Air Date:
Summary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for.
Summary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway.
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets.
Summary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart.
Summary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it.
Summary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets “Megan’s Roommate”, the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan).
Summary: Megan Fox chats with her friend’s mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry.
Summary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.![[ICO]](/icons/blank.gif){kind=icon}
![[DIR]](/icons/back.gif){kind=icon}
![[ ]](/icons/unknown.gif){kind=icon}
![[IMG]](/icons/image2.gif){kind=icon}
![[DIR]](/icons/folder.gif){kind=icon}
Episodes
