Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Bonus Episode 3
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
…..Andy Samberg
Lunch Man…..Fred Armisen
Basketball Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Casey Wilson
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
While campaigning for Barack Obama this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan: “Jobs, baby, jobs”. While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan: “Please, baby, please.”
The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to U.S. ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.
Seth Meyers: In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that, when the media criticizes her children, “the mama grizzly in me comes out, and makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin only moments before she shot it from a helicopter.
India, on Tuesday, launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.
Amy Poehler: Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber”, said, this week, that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though, unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.
Seth Meyers: With the Presidential election only twelve days away, here is our own Fred Armisen, to show us how things are shaping up in voting districts all around the country. He’ll be using our new Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map.
Fred Armisen: Thank you! Thank you, Seth and Amy! Okay, let’s get right to the Mega Map! [ he taps “Primary Map” button, as a map of the United States scrolls onto the screen ] Great. Okay, one thing we’re gonna look at — we’re gonna want to look at Pennsylvania. Let’s look at that. [ he taps the state of Pennsylvania, which turns blue and zooms inward on county districts ] Let’s look at Harrisburg — get in really close to that. [ he zooms in on Harrisburg ] Fantastic! Let’s go back a little bit… [ he taps the screen to zoom back outward ] Back a little bit more… back a little bit more.
And… let’s go over to Idaho. [ he taps Idaho and zooms inward ] Let’s take a look at that. Let’s take a really close look at it — really, really close! Really, really close! [ he zooms into Custer County ] Excellent! Let’s go back to the map. [ he zooms back to the full country outline ]
Now, the country can be moved up and down, like so… [ he tocuhes the center of the map and sways the country up and down ] Also, don’t forget, you can also shrink it, and you can put it in your pocket, if you need to. [ he shrinks the country and scrolls it toward himself ] [ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Electoral Map” button, as a multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, let’s look at some of the states here. Remember: you can always change some of the colors. [ he taps various states and changes the colors ] You’ve got blue… blue again… a little bit of a red… red over there… a little bit of blue. [ he touches a color palette on the side of the screen and begins to draw in green on the middle of the map ] And, if you want make something out of green, we’ve got… a little face here, some whiskers… you can make a cat! [ a green cat face is revealed ] A lovely triangle nose, in that.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Primary Map” button, as the blue map re-appears ]Okay, let’s go back to the other map. Excellent! Okay, let’s lookat Ohio… [ he taps Ohio and zooms into an aeriel shot of the counties ] Let’s look really close. Let’s look at Cleveland — the Cleveland area. Let’s get in really close. Really, really close… move it over. [ inward zoom of aeriel shot of a section of Cleveland ] You can see the top of a warehouse. We’re really gonna want to look at that — very, very important. We’re gonna want to look at that warehouse.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Game Board” button, as another multi-colored map appears ]Okay, now let’s take a look at Oregan. Let’s move it out into the ocean. [ he touches Oregan and pulls it apart from the rest of the map ] It’s gonna be — its gonna be surrounded by water. That’s very, very dangerous. [ he taps Minnesota ] Let’s take Minnesota… let’s put it right over Virginia. [ he pulls Minnesota over Virginia ] Minnesota’s very heavy — imagine the sheer weight of it. Uh — here’s New York right there. [ he taps New York ] New York was there in 2004, as well. And we can shake it around like that. [ he moves New York back and forth ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry. Uh, Fred — what are you showing us, exactly? It seems like you just got this thing, and, you know, just want to play around with it.
Fred Armisen: [ he laughs ] Actually, what I’m doing is very important and informational.
Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s a really expensive piece of equipment, Fred, and I kind of feel like you’re wasting our time.
Fred Armisen: Right. Okay, where are you from, exactly?
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire.
Fred Armisen: New Hampshire? What a pretty state. [ he taps New Hampshire ] Wouldn’t it be a drag if we pulled it over… to Mexico? [ he pulls New Hampshire past Texas, then mocks Seth with a Mexican accent ]
Amy Poehler: Okay, Fred. Come on, stop goofing around.
Fred Armisen: Ohhh… [ his time threatened, Fred slaps both hands upon the map spreads all the states around ]
Amy Poehler: Hey! Don’t do that!
Seth Meyers: Come on, Fred! Put those states back where they belong!
Fred Armisen: Check out Michigan — I can make it BOUNCE! [ he taps Michigan and flicks it to the bottom of the screen ]
Seth Meyers: Very good.
Amy Poehler: Fred Armisen, everybody! That’s a high-end piece of equipment.
The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be “better off” with him in Malawi, now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Said the son, “Nope, I’m good,” and continued on his way to baby yoga class.
Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman”, a goldfish. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?
Seth Meyers: The Stock Market tumbled yet again yesterday, increasing fears that the global economy is already in a recession. Here to comment, once again, is “Weekend Update”‘s very own financial consultant, Oscar Rogers.
Oscar Rogers: [ breathless ] Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth and Amy.
Seth Meyers: Um — okay, Oscar. Last week, the Stock Market wasup nearly 500 points, and yesterday it was down more than 400 points. Do you see any hints that this roller coaster ride will be ending any time soon?
Oscar Rogers: Very good analogy, Seth! The Market is very close like a — it’s VERY much like a roller coaster ride, and I do believe it is about to end! But, before we get off, we will come to find that our digital cameras have fallen out of our shirt pocket, our brand new Ray-bans have flown off our head, and we are about to finiancially BARF on ourselves!!
Seth Meyers: Well, so what do we do?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s actually very simple: somebody needs to get on top of the situation, and FIX IT!! Seth, I haven’t slept in two weeks! Somebody needs to look at this mess, and FIX IT!! Tomorrow morning, when I have my bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios, the morning paper better read: “IT’S BEEN FIXED!!”
Seth Meyers: So, what exactly should be done?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s not rocket science, Seth. It’s a simple three-step process. Step 1: FIX! Step 2: IT! Step 3: FIX IT!! Then, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until it’s all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: This is a lot of the same advince you gave last time.
Oscar Rogers: That’s true, Seth. Very similar. But, let me ask you: has it been FIXED?!
Seth Meyers: [ meekly ] I guess not.
Oscar Rogers: What do you think — what do you think they need to do, Seth?
Seth Meyers: I guess, fix —
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!!!
Seth Meyers: How do we begin to fix…
Oscar Rogers: By FIXING IT!!
Seth Meyers: Who’s gonna fix it?
Oscar Rogers: THEY are!! THEY gonna FIX IT, because THEY BROKE IT!!! FIXITFIXIT!!! TO-DAY!!
Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone. We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!
[ fade to commercial, then return to the newsdesk ]Amy Poehler: Thank you! And welcome back!
Seth Meyers: Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal, said on Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.
The first commercial cell phone call in the U.S. was made twenty-five years ago this week, by Bob Barnett, on a phone that cost almost $4,000 and weighed twenty-eight ounces. We have a recording of that historic 1983 call.
[ cut to on-screen text ]Female Voice: Hello?
Male Voice: Honey, guess what? I’m calling from the car on this new portable cell phone that I just bought!
Female Voice: That sounds neat. Oh, I got your parachute pants back from the dry cleaners.
Male Voice: Did they get the “Bartles & James” stain out?
Female Voice: Yes. Hey, only eight months until the “Ghostbusters” movie!
Male Voice: Total Pac-man Fever.
Female Voice: What? Can’t hear you.
Male Voice: Sorry, I’m cranking Quarterflash on the radio.
Female Voice: Oh my God, they’re the best and they will always be the best. By the way, how much did that phone cost?
Male Voice: $4,000.
Female Voice: What?!
Male Voice: Honey, I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.
Female Voice: Cutting out? what does cutting out mean?
[ cut back to Amy and Seth at the news desk ]Amy Poehler: Should we tell them?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, let’s tell them.
Together: That was US!!
Seth Meyers: Those were our voices!
A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of Charm”, which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.
There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling children, because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.
As we saw in the 2000 election, every vote counts. And, with this election, more than ever, the outcome will be decided by new voters. Our youth reproter, Andy Samberg, filed this report.
[ cut to Andy Samberg on tape, standing within the city ]Andy Samberg: Hey, America! Andy Samberg here. As we all know, we’re coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, but what you might be surprised to know is that there’s still TONS of Americans who still aren’t registered to vote. So we’re going to hit the streets and see if we can’t teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man eating lunch at an outdoor table ]Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Lunch Man: No.
Andy Samberg: May I ask why not?
Lunch Man: I just don’t see the point.
Andy Samberg: Fair enough, But, what if I told you that for the next four years, you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries?
Lunch Man: Oh. The, uh —
Andy Samberg: Too late! [ he grabs the man’s hot dog ] The decision’s been made FOR you, and now you’re stuck with french fries for the next four years.
Lunch Man: Wow! I never thought of it that way. I think I will vote.
Andy Samberg: That’s what I thought. [ he bites into the hot dog ]
Lunch Man: Oh, careful. Spicy hot link.
Andy Samberg: I think I can handle it!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man standing at a car holding a basketball ]Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Basketball Man: Uh, no — no, I’m not.
Andy Samberg: Well, let me ask you this: which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house?
[ suddenly, Andy begins to gag from the hot dog ]Basketball Man: You all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I ate a spicy hot dog earlier, I’m fine.
Basketball Man: Uh — I guess, if I had to choose one, I’d choose my house.
Andy Samberg: Too late! The decision’s been made for you! [ he holds up the man’s car keys, then begins to choke ]
Basketball Man: Are you sure you’re all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah… I’m fine.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a woman on the street ]Andy Samberg: Excuse me, ma’am, are you registered to vote?
Woman: Uhh – no, I’m not.
[ suddenly, Andy vomits into the street ]Woman: Oh, my God!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy interviewing a black man ]Andy Samberg: So, see, if you don’t choose, someone else will choose for you.
Black Man: Well, I guess you have a point. I never relaly thought about that, I —
[ suddenly, Andy vomits across the black man’s shirt ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a hardcore black man on the street, then quickly turning away as his mouth begins to twitch and vomits instead on his boom mike man ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ the boom mike man vomits as well ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy sitting along a bench ]Andy Samberg: Can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something? [ he’s handed another spicy hot dog ] Thank you. [ he begins to eat the hot dog, then twitches ] It’s a hot dog! [ he vomits the piece of hot dog he chewed on ] [ cut to Andy running toward a garbage can and vomiting into it ] [ cut to andy comiting alongside a bus ] [ cut to Andy vomiting down his own shirt ] [ to a passerby ] Are you registered to vote?
[ cut to Andy chasing after a second woman ]Andy Samberg: Excuse me, Ma’am? Are you registered to vote?
Second Woman: You smell like puke.
Andy Samberg: Will you please talk to me? I’m trying to help register voters before the election.
Second Woman: The deadline for that was, like, two weeks ago.
Andy Samberg: It was..?
Second Woman: Yeah! [ she quickly walks away ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ dissolve back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Andy.
Amy Poehler: That was a very intelligent, insightful report. Very insightful!
Two British women who were lifelong friends, were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.
According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Seth Meyers: A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner of this year’s Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden. Though, I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name: Platina Luna Hussein Blade Runner.
Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick, Coco, who wandered away from the facility. “They went thataway,” said a man and his friend who looked nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. We’ll be right back.
Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back.
