Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

The Lawrence Welk Show

Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen
Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell
Nora…Casey Wilson
Sister #2…Michaela Watkins
Sister #3…Abby Elliott
Junice…Kristen Wiig

(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)

Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”

(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…

(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)

Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.

(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)

Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo,
I like potatoes, I like meat
I like standing on the corner of a street
It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why
It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…

(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Nora: I’m going to the park!

Ted: Hey where you headin’?

Sister #2: Heading to a party!

Ted: Hey where you off to?

Sister #3: Off to the parlor!

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Junice: And I’m Junice!

(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)

Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go,
There is something that I’m dyin’ to know
A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand,
Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!

(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)

Nora: I like strong arms…

Ted: Well I got ’em!

Sister #2: I like white teeth…

Ted: Hey look at ’em!

Sister #3: I like soft skin…

Ted: I use lotion!

Junice: I like, can I touch?

(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)

Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me
I hope you give me a chance-

Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see,
And that’s if you can dance.

Ted: Well I certainly can try.

(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)

Ted: How’s tha-at?

Nora: Ooh that’s nice!

Ted: And how’s thi-is?

Sister #2: Do it twice!

Ted: How’s this feel?

Sister #3: Are you for real?

Ted: Shall we dance real close?

Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).

(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)

Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree
That you’d be the perfect mate…

Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide,
Where will we go on our first date?

Nora: We could go sailing…

Ted: I like that idea.

Sister #2: We can have a picnic…

Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).

Sister #3: We could ride bikes…

Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)

Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed
And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed
And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?

Ted: Yes, that is bad.

Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…

(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–

(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)

Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!

Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.

(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22


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08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and for the season finale —

[Amy Poehler rolls in from the side to wild cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

[Amy and Seth high five]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back.

Amy Poehler: Thank you. [to audience] Thank you! Thank you!

Together: Here are tonight’s top stories!

Amy Poehler: Ha ha!

In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.

Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?

Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”

I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]

JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.

Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.

Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

[show segment logo and theme]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?

Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]

Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?

Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.

Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!

Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?

Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.

Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Really? Really?!

[show segment logo and theme]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”

Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.

Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”

Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.

Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.

Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?

Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.

Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.

Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.

Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?

Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-

Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?

Seth Meyers: What?

Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?

Seth Meyers: No?

Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.

Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?

Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.

Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.

Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.

Seth Meyers: What signs?

Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!

Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?

Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.

Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.

Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!

Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!

Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!

Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!

Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.

It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.

A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.

Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”

A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And he’s Seth Meyers! Good night!

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnight, Saigon

Fritz…..Will Ferrell
Ray…..Darrell Hammond
Keith…..Bill Hader
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Pianist…..Andy Samberg
Guitarists…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte
Violinists…..Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson
Drums….Fred Armisen
Tambourines…..Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig
Flautist…..Seth Meyers
Triangle…..Amy Poehler
Clarinet…..Maya Rudolph
Saxophonist…..Tom Hanks
Guitar…..Anne Hathaway
Violinist…..Paul Rudd
…..Green Day
Guitar…..Norm MacDonald
…..Artie Lange

[ open with exterior entrance to Grand Central Station ]

[ dissolve to interior, dining area, where Fritz sits with three of his buddies ]

Fritz: So… any summer plans, gentlemen? Any… vay-vay-cays… coming your way-way-way?

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Kenan: Yeah, I think the missus and I are heading down to Mexico for a couple of weeks in June.

Fritz: Oooohh! Me-ji-co! Land of the rising sun. I love it. How about you, Keith?

Keith: I have a new baby — I think it’s gonne be more of a stay-cation, as in Stay-Up-While-She-Cries-cation!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: Yeah, sometimes the gift of life is also the gift of having no life!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: How about you, Ray? [ singing ] “Where… in the world… is Ray-mond Fed-e-ri-co going?”

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Ray: Well, Jennifer and I have always wanted to travel through southeast Asia, maybe hit Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam… You’ve been to Vietnam, haven’t you, Fritz?

[ Fritz stares off in a trance ]

Keith: Fritz, what was Vietnam like? Fritz?

[ helicopters sound overhead ]

Keith: Is that a helicopter?

[ Fritz stands, with maracas in hand, as lights from a passing helicopter flash ]

[ an orchestra, formerly ensconced in the dark, lights up behind Fritz ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… met… as… soul mates
On Parris Island.
We left as inmates
From an asylum.”

[ his buddies stare at him in great confusion ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“And we were sharp
As sharp as knives.
And we were so gung ho
To lay down our lives.

[ Fritz returns to his seat, still staring out into space ]

Kenan: Okay… when was he in Vietnam?

Keith: He went there on vacation. Like… four years ago. [ turns to Fritz ] What time of year did you go?

[ Fritz stands once more, as a trio of violinists join the orchestra ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… had… no… cameras
To shoot the landscape.
We passed the hash pipe
And played our Doors tapes.

And it was dark
So dark at ni-ni-ni-ni-night.
And we held on to each other
Like brother to brother
We promised our mothers we’d write.”

[ his buddies continue to stare at him in great confusion ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Fritz returns to his seat ]

Ray: Wow! So, he just visited Vietnam… like a tourist?

Keith: Yeah.

Kenan: Well, did something bad happen to him?

Keith: I think he lost his luggage.

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… held… the day
In the palm
Of our hand.”

[ Fritz stands before the orchestra once more, suddenly flanked by a triangle player, a clarinetist, a saxophonist, a guitarist, and a violinist ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
They… ruled the night.And the night
Seemed to last as long as six weeks
On Parris Island.”

[ Green Day appears onstage with their instruments ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“We held the coastline
They held the highlands.
And they were sharp
As sharp as kni-kni-kni-kni-knives.
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted the rotors
And waited for us to arrive.”

[ Norm MacDonald appears on guitar; Artie Lange appears as himself ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“And we would all go down together
We said wed all go down together
Yes we would all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Artie Lange leans in to hug a smiling Norm MacDonald ]

[ in the far right corner of the screen, a stagehand’s hand motions for everyone to go down together from the stage ]

[ Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott, and Michaela Watkins go down together ]

[ Artie Lange goes down ]

Audience Member: Artie!

[ the rest of the audience screams, as Artie raises his arms victoriously to them ]

[ Norm MacDonald goes down, followed by Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig, and Fred Armisen holding hands with Elisabeth Moss ]

[ Green Day goes down together, followed by Tom Hanks, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Anne Hathaway, and Paul Rudd ]

[ Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, and Seth Meyers go down together ]

[ the lights dim, and a helicopter sounds in the air, as Fritz solemnly walks down alone, leaving his friends alone together at the table ]

Keith: Wait a second… he just left without paying!

Kenan: Again?!

Ray: Why do we always fall for that?

[ they shrug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Green Day performs “21 Guns”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Green Day

Will Ferrell: Once again — Green Day.

Green Day: [ singing ]
“Do you know what’s worth fighting for,
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Green Day performs “Know Your Enemy”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Green Day

Will Ferrell: Ladies and gentlemen — Green Day.

Green Day: [ singing ]
“Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Violence is an energy
Against the enemy
Well violence is an energy, right.

Bringing on the fury
The choir infantry
Revolt against the honor to obey (Ohaooh)

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
We’re burning down the foreman of control (Ohaooh)

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
so rally up the demons of your soul (Ohaooh)

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
well gotta know the enemy, Right.

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
well gotta know the enemy, Right.

Insurgency will rise,
When the blood’s been sacrificed
We’ll be blinded by the lights in your eyes.

Say!

Ohaooh
Ohaooh

Well, Violence is an energy, Ohaooh
From here to Eternity
Well, Violence is an energy, Ohaooh
Silence is the enemy

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Do you know the enemy
Do you know your enemy
Well gotta’ know the enemy, right!

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
We’re burning down the foreman of control

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
so rally up the demons of your soul (Ohaooh)”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22




Amazon.com Widgets

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell!

[Will Ferrell enters to wild cheers and applause]

Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. I… yes, wooh! Right back at you! I am so- I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of SNL. [to audience] I- I love you too, more than you know. I’ve always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award! [applause] Thank you. And… I should win. Since I’m up against that flash in the pan Liza Minelli. You know, it’s so funny to me, people- people don’t realize that before I was christened the jester, the- the funnyman, the goofbag, I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross down-stage left and explain.

[Ferrell walks to the side and approaches a TV screen showing a slideshow of various silly pictures, supposedly of him doing dramatic work]

Will Ferrell: So many roles, so many stages. So many moments. And tonight, I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. [He strolls back to center-stage] This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called “The Wishful Dreams of Danny O’Neill.” [no applause] Thank you. I will warn you- I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn’t wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved.

[He brings out a chair as the lights are dimmed and piano-playing is heard]

Will Ferrell: [in an overly-dramatic tone] Hi dad. [audience laughs] Please, no laughter. You look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. They said you can’t hear me, but I- I know you can. Just like when I was little and we would watch TV, and you would ignore me. [audience laughs again] Please, no laughter. Why wouldn’t you talk to me, dad? I was a five year-old boy! I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap, eating popcorn. You laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. But there we sat, drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it, and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I’d say, “what’s wrong, mama?” She would say, [in a prominent Irish accent] “your dad is so sahd.” [audience laughs] Thank you. “Not her, she wasn’t allowed to be sad. Was she, dah?” Now I’m spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. We sit in the same silence, and his mind races. It’s funny, isn’t it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word. So here it is. [breaks character] Line.

Woman offstage: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it?

Will Ferrell: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it? Maybe you do love me, cause it doesn’t matter, because I love you. [screaming] Do you hear me, papa?! I said I love you! And I forgive you, because I forgive me.

[He knocks on the chair]

Will Ferrell: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s your son. It’s your son, who? It’s your son who- and I’m sorry, line.

Woman offstage: It’s your son who loves you.

Will Ferrell: [to woman, who is not seen] It’s your son who loves you? [to camera] It’s your son, who loves you.

[He slowly turns his back as the piano-playing fades. Lights return to normal and he turns around again]

Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Green Day is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Will Ferrell
Rachel…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT’s “Inside the NBA” desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ]

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!

Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.

[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]

Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.

Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.

Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.

[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]

Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!

Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.

Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In what category?

Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”

Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?

[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.

Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?

Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on!

[ a buzzer goes off ]

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?

Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.

[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.

[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]

Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.

Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.

[ reveal a busted podium screen ]

Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.

Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…

Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!

Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]

Sean Connery: You’re welcome.

Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.

[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]

Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night!

[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]

Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell: Thanks to Green Day! Tom Hanks! Norm MacDonald! Amy Poehler! Maya Reedolph — Rudolph! Reedolph? [ he shrugs ] Paul Rudd! Anne Hathaway! Artie Lange! Elisabeth Moss!

[ he wraps his arm around Darrell Hammond ]

This is Darrell Hammond, right here!

[ cast members begin to point out Hammond and hug him as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Funeral Remembrances

Priest….Jason Sudeikis
Nephew….Bill Hader
Graham Yost….Will Ferrell
Ms.Baerwald….Casey Wilson
Old Blonde….Michaela Watkins
Girl mourner….Abby Elliott
Gayle….Kristen Wiig
Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen
Friend of a cousin….Will Forte
Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
Glenda Goodwin….Maya Rudolph

[Opens with a funeral home, cut to one of the rooms and there is a funeral service in process. A young girl speaks at a podium]

Girl mourner: And even though I only knew Mr. Baerwald a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life.[leaves, sits down. The priest talks into his hand held microphone]

Priest: Thank you, thank you. That’s lovely. All right, we’ve heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today and now we’re going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and delicious homemade nachos. Thank you to the Hernandez family for that. [a young man whispers in the priest’s ear] Oh, yeah. Of course. One last remembrance of Joseph Baerwald. [gives the young man the mic]

Nephew: Hey, everybody. Uncle Joey was a great guy and before he passed he said I could get his watch. Its a neon green Swatch. It’s a collector’s item and it’s missing. If you have it, I’m gonna put this Ugg boot on top of the coffin. [puts the boot on top of the coffin] Ok? Put the watch in the boot and there will be no questions asked. I appreciate it. [gives mic to the priest]

Priest: There you go. That’s lovely. Ok, all right, so this sad of events on a very tragic loss, but now we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna take the—[a red headed guy whispers in the priest’s ear] no, of course, of course. This will be the very last remembrance—[guy insists and whispers some more in the priest’s ear] yeah, I heard you, yeah I’m gonna do it. This will be the very last remembrance. And FYI there will be another service here in 5 minutes.[gives the mic to the guy]

Graham Yost: Hey, my name is Graham. Like the cracker. My last name is Yost. Like french toast but with a Y. There is no A. If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of “Speed” but I’m currently on it. And um, but I’m joking about that. I’m a botanist and a stand-up comedian. And with the out most respect to Joseph’s wife of 31 years, I have been Joseph’s secret lover for 32.[disturbed look on Ms.Baerwald] And that is also a joke. Um, I have never met a lot of you but I just want to say that I will really miss Joseph and I also be performing at the Comedy Shoppe on May 29th, 30th, June 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th and 25th. If you’d like a flyer I’ll just leave a stack on the casket. [leaves a stack on the casket] I know Joseph will want all of you to be there. Every night. [gives mic back to priest]

Priest: Thank you, thank you. We’ll be sure to look out your show. It looks like we’re done here. Ok, and I have to say—[a girl carrying an oxygen tank with tubes down her nose steps up to the priest] ok, one last one. [gives her the mic]

Gayle: [breaths heavy into the mic] There is a large rodent of some kind trapped in my floorboards. I hear it scuttling about when I’m home alone. If there is anyone here who can kill it, I will give you the rewards of the flesh that you will never forget. [Priest takes the mic off of Gayle]

Priest: Ok, thank you. That was a wonderful offer. Ok, we really got to move on now…[a young guy with long hair and a suit with short pants and boots takes the mic off of the priest]

Ex-Boyfriend: Hey, look at this. All the Baerwald cousins in one room. Trip on that. You know, I know a lot of you been saying that I could never get myself a blonde. Well, turn around and take a look at the back. All of you turn around. [an old blonde with big glasses and sucking a popsicle waves] That’s mine. A blonde. I got myself a blonde. If you guys are looking for me later I’ll be in the back making out. I think you guys know what that sounds. It’ll sound like this. [passionate moaning into the mic] Mmmmm, aaaaah, mmmmmm. Times two. [Annoyed the Priest takes the mic back]

Priest: Ok. I would recomend that everyone look up the meaning of the word respect in the dictionary when they get home.

[a blonde guy with big sunglasses takes the mic from the priest, priest is angry]

Priest: You’re killing me, you’re killing me…

A friend of a cousin: [low grave voice] This year I’ve seen so much death. My cousin Earl died in my arms after a horrible run-in with a water-taxi. Mother died 2 weeks later in an accident for which I’m currently being framed. But perhaps the most tragic death is the death of the American dream because of the failed economic policies of Barack Hussein Obama. I say his middle name because it matters. This is a man who will be shutting down the Guantanamo Bay detention center letting a bunch of turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America. So say goodbye to your loved ones and enjoy 2009 because 2010 is going to be a bloodbath of biblical proportions. I took the watch. [gives mic to the priest]

Priest: Wonderful, wonderful. Mystery solv—[a guy snatches the mic from the priest]

Obnoxious guy: WHA-A-A-AT???!!! [drops mic causing feedback, priest picks mic up]

Priest: What is that?! Ok, all right. So that was it. So we’re going to—

[Glenda Goodwin appears with her own mic]

Glenda Goodwin: Hello.

Priest: Where did you get that?

Glenda Goodwin: My name is Glenda Goodwin. I have not known this guy for no time at all. But one thing I do know, Sasquatches are real. And real freaky. And I will like to dedicate this song to this dead person. [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing Sasquatch, your powers are many, you walk through the woods and get photographed! You don’t need a coat but you do need a comb, because your body is basically a beard.[priest tries to end it] Verse 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, where are the nachos?

Priest:[points] Right in there.

Glenda Goodwin: Thank you so much, young lady.[leaves]

Priest: So what I’d love for everybody to do at this point is just—

[Graham returns and takes mic from the priest]

Graham Yost: One of my show dates has been canceled. So I had to make some quick changes. I’m no longer doing the show on the 7th. But I do have some good news though, we were able to add some shows in September.

Priest:[angry] Ok, I’m outta here. [leaves]

Graham Yost: The 4th, September 8th, 9th, the 3rd.

[Glenda appear eating nachos]

Glenda Goodwin: [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing nachos, how zesty the cheese….

Graham Yost: September 14th, two shows on the 15th…

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts