Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2


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06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Charo…..Maya Rudolph
Fugly Betsy…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, House Speaker Dennis Hastert denied all claims that he knew about all of congressman Marc Foley’s e-mails to a teenaged male page, saying he was unaware about how bad Marc’s transgressions were until last Friday…when he forgot to knock. Hastert also told reporters he will not be pressured to step down in wake of the Marc Foley scandal; some say Hastert will not step down as there’s a good chance he’ll go right through the floor.

Seth Meyers: On Thursday, Condoleeza Rice’s surprise visit in Baghdad was delayed 30 minutes because of indirect fire at the airport. And also because she needed time to put on her bulletproof hair.

Last week, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric finished in third place, earning her the nickname Dan Rather.

Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America’s victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046.

Seth Meyers: After retiring last Friday in the wake of his congressional page sex scandal, Marc Foley said he was an alcoholic and entered rehab, an all too familiar move that has some alcoholics up in arms. Here to comment on this growing trend is seven-time Oscar nominee and legendary drunk, Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: [Walks out with glass of whiskey in hand] Aha! Seth, Amy, ’tis I, Peter O’Toole. Over the years, I’ve attained some notoriety as one who will, from time to time, enjoy a cocktail. Or a hundred cocktails. For my behavior, I have been awarded with the present title, “Alcoholic.” A high honor indeed. A toast! To me! [Laughs in a haze and sips his drink] But now, this putrid, silly congressman from Florida, Marc Foley. A pox on him! Calling himself an alcoholic, when in fact, the man is just a pervy little creep! In my most heroic and glorious drunkenness, I have never dreamed of diddling the doinks of young boys. I have s myself, I have soiled my friends, and I have passed out cold in many unsavory lavatories–for which I’m very proud. But I am not a pervert. I’m a drunk. I drink, I talk too loud, I knock stuff over…one time, when I was insatiably drunk, Albert Finney and I stole a train! That’s the kind of fun we alcoholics like to have! [Laughs and sips drink again] Mel Gibson can say he’s an alcoholic, but we know he’s all just a racist. I’m not a racist; I slept in many a bathrub, I wandered the streets at night without my trousers, I once borrowed a circus elephant and took it to a dance! All this, because I was an alcoholic. A rich and wonderful tradition, not to be confused with racism or perversion. Thank you Seth and Amy, I’d love to talk more, but as you can see, this is my stop.

Seth Meyers: Peter O’Toole, everyone! [Peter walks off wrong side of stage]

Amy Poehler: Legend! A legend. Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent, who played with the band from 1982 to 1984, lost a Supreme Court appeal Monday in a dispute over royalties with his former bandmates. Vincent had a feeling things weren’t going to go his way when he walked into court and saw Justice Alito looking like this. [Shows Alito with Gene Simmons’s KISS makeup]

Seth Meyers: Democrats accuse Senate Majority leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag, saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill frist is ready to give up; remember, this is the guy who thought we could still fix Terri Schavio. S

Iranian leader Sayid Amil Kamani ruled this week that masturbation during the month of Ramadan invalidates fasting. I think if that’s true, you’re doing it wrong. [Semi applause]

Amy Poehler: [Audience still laughing at previous joke] More than a dozen are suing Hollywood Paws, an animal talent agency, for failing to turn their animals into movie stars. A spokesman for Hollywood Paws said it wasn’t their fault, as many of their pets refused to do nudity. [Shows picture of a dog with his genitals censored]

French authorities seized allegedly more than 100 tabs of the drug ecstasy from Jimmy Buffet’s luggage this week. The good news is they also found his lost shaker of salt.

Seth Meyers: According to new research, about 1/3 of American kids, ages 12-19, fail treadmill tests, failing heart and respiratory health. Even worse, this is the test: [Multiple choice test shows up with pictures of a TV, chicken, treadmill and a box that says All of the Above]

A fungus affecting crops in the midwest may lead to a pumpkin shortage this Halloween. Farmers are starting to promote a new vegetable, the spinach-o-lantern.

Amy Poehler: Well, the new fall TV season is underway, and ABC’s Ugly Betty is one of the stand-out hits, bringing in tremendous ratings. Not to be outdone, NBC has added a new show to their fall schedule, and here to tell all about it is the star of the series, Fugly Betsy.

Fugly Betsy: Hi you guys! I’m so excited about this project. I play an intelligent but unattractive young girl who gets her dream job as an assistant at a fashion magazine.

Amy Poehler: You know, I have to say, it sounds like NBC’s trying to rip off Ugly Betty.

Fugly Betsy: It’s not! It’s totally a different show! First of all, there’s a lot more sex in ours, so that’s fun. And also, I am by far the best looking person in our cast. If America’s buying ugly, we’re like a fugly superstore!

Amy Poehler: That’s great. This is a real breakthrough for you; have you done any previous work on television?

Fugly Betsy: Uh huh! I played a bludgeoning victim on CSI: New York, aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnddddd… yup, that’s it. Hey Seth! Maybe they should have a show for you called Handsome Seth!

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh…thanks, Betsy, but I think you’re a little young for me.

Fugly Betsy: I’m 53. Fugly don’t crack.

Amy Poehler: Sweet. Well, Betsy, we wish you luck, but it’s gonna be tough beating Ugly Betty; it was a huge hit in Colombia and Salma Hayek is producing it.

Fugly Betsy: Well, guess what? We have a pretty impressive executive producer too. Come on out, Charo!

Charo: WHOO! Yes! Hello! You! Must! Watch! This! Show! It’s gonna inspire a whole heneration of fuggly girls to a-reach their dreams! And, if they a-can’t reach them, they will have sex with a lot of peoples! Cuchi cuchi cuchi!

Amy Poehler: Betsy and Charo, everyone! Fugly Besty and Charo, everyone. Thank you so much. Good luck with your show.

Seth Meyers: A Manhattan eye surgeon is offering free LASIK Eye Surgery in exchange for a pair of Mets playoff tickets. Here’s some advice: If someone can’t afford baseball tickets, don’t let them operate on your eyes. With lasers.

A 24-year-old woman in Bulgaria reportedly survived a car crash, thanks to her silicone breast implants, and not, as originally recorded, because of her great personality.

A 379 foot redwood tree discovered in a remote forest in California has turned out to be the world’s tallest tree. Scientists spotted the tree using a technique they call “looking.”

Amy Poehler: George Michael was arrested on Monday on suspicion of possessing marijuana, after police found them asleep in his car. Apparently, someone forgot to wake him up before they go-go’d.

According to the US census bureau, sometime the population this month will reach 300 million. Nice work, K-Fed!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, good night!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

New York City Stories II

Lou Reed…..Fred Armisen
Patti Smith…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ dissolve to Lou Reed standing across the street from CBGB’s ]

Lou Reed: We’re gonna talk about CBGB’s.

[ Patti Smith joins Lou ]

Patti Smith: CBGB’s. You see this place?

[ cut to close-up of the CBGB banner ]

Patti Smith: The last great place in New York City – they’re shuttin’ it down!

[ cut back to Patti standing in the middle of the street; a car honks its horn ]

They’re gonna turn it in —

[ the car honks its horn again ]

SHUT UP!!

Lou Reed: Back then you used to see pushers, poets, geniuses, losers, junkies, transvestites – all under one roof.

Patti Smith: Joey Ramone. Television. David Byrne.

Lou Reed: They didn’t do it for the money – they did it for the applause. For a drink. [ looks off to the side for a moment ] And the money, too. They got paid. So, yeah, the money, too.

Patti Smith: [ looks offscreen ] Right over there, where the garbage can is, was my apartment in 1974. [ show Patti standing next to the garbage can ] I paid $200 a month.

Lou Reed: Back then, my apartment was up there in that water tower. [ points upward to a water tower atop a building ] I used to share it with Paco and his family.[ they begin singing a variant of “Gloria” ]

Patti Smith: “P-A-C-O!”

Lou Reed: “Ohhhh, down the avenue!”

Patti Smith: “Paco!”

Lou Reed: Right over here, on this corner, I saw Iggy Pop take a swing at a cop’s horse. Can you imagine that? Yeah, I can imagine it. I’ll tell you a little story – one time I saw Dee Dee Ramone eat twenty-seven hot dogs in a row. I was mesmerized.

Patti Smith: You used to be able to go from here.. to here — [ points to the corner she’s standing to across the street to CBGB’s ] and you’d meet five poets.

Lou Reed: Do you know what rock and roll even is?

[ cut to Lou taking a swig from a bottle, then shattering it on the ground beneath his feet ]

It’s not in your iPod. It’s right there [ points to CBGB’s ]

[ return to exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

New York City Stories

Martin Scorcese…..Fred Armisen
Rosie Perez…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ dissolve to Rosie Perez and Martin Scorcese standing on a city block ]

Martin Scorcese: Are we ready? Are we.. all framed up? [ cut to close-up ] This is my.. favorite street in all of New York. I-I-I grew up all along here, and — [ points down at fire hydrant ] this hydrant used to be the-the best Jewish deli. Pastrami sandwiches — [ holds one hand much higher than the other ] th-this big! Three dollars.

[ cut to Rosie Perez doing “White Men Can’t Jump” dance in the middle of the street ]

[ cut back to Scorcese ]

Martin Scorcese: You-you’d.. kill your mother for it. The-the busboy was, uh.. Bobby DeNiro.

Rosie Perez: [ excited ] Really?! This is the corner where Patrick Ooh-ing kicked me out of his lee-mo!

Martin Scorcese: And this street was also where we, uh, shot a whole lot of “Raging Bull.” It was, uh, all along here, and up-up in the tree — [ points toward the top of the tree ] was the opening tracking shot, and th-that’s where we did all the-the boxing matches.

Rosie Perez: What an unbelievable story! That reminds me of a memory I’m having too! [ points to a post in the ground in front of the fire hydrant ] Where this right here used to be a.. um.. a real phone booth! And I would get a phone cawl from my sister!

[ cut to image of Rosie standing at another angle, miming answering the telephone in the phone booth ]

Rosie Perez V/O: And I would be, like, “Hello?!”

[ cut to Scorcese shaking his head in disbelief ]

Rosie Perez: Those were good times, Martin Scorcese!

[ quick cut to pedestrians trying to hail a taxi cab, before cutting back to Scorcese talking ]

Martin Scorcese: So, the, um, the.. tracking shot in “Goodfellas” – I’m sure you remember that. [ steps closer to the building, points to a pipe in the wall ] The.. tracking shot was all done.. right in there. Got to film the whole thing, that’s – that’s the Copa-copacabana.

Rosie Perez: New York was unbelievable back then! You could take phone cawls – from phone booths – or you could blow bubbles! [ smiles ]

Martin Scorcese: Shoot me dead, if you want to. [ shrugs ]

[ cut to image of a Parisi Bakery truck on the opposite side of the street, then cut back to Scorcese on the sidewalk ]

Martin Scorcese: We had – we used to have, uh – when I was a kid – we used to have cookies – and I’m not exaggerating – they were this big. [ makes a wide circle around his entire body ]

Rosie Perez: That makes me so hong-gree, Martin Scorcese! I want to go get a kwoo-key!

Martin Scorcese: Okay, Rosie Perez – let’s go get some cookies.

[ they continue walking down the street ]

[ return to exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Like a Star”

…..Jaime Pressley
…..Corinne Bailey Rae

Jaime Pressley: Once again – Corinne Bailey Rae.

Corinne Bailey Rae: [ singing ]

“Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You’ve got this look I can’t describe,
You make me feel like I’m alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you’re on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can’t find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It’s not a secret anymore,
’cause we’ve been through that before,
From tonight I know that you’re the only one,
I’ve been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands.”

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Put Your Records On”

…..Jaime Pressley
…..Corinne Bailey Rae

Jaime Pressley: Ladies and gentlemen – Corinne Bailey Rae.

Corinne Bailey Rae: [ singing ]

“Three little birds sat on my window
And they told me I don’t need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it’s alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don’t you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down.
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side.
(just relax, just relax)
Don’t you let those other boys fool you
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it’s alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change
Don’t you think it’s strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down.
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity’s sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realisz, that you don’t even have to try any longer
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down.
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down.
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Jaime Pressley’s Monologue

…..Jaime Pressley
Redneck with Shotgun…..Jason Sudeikis
Slave Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Uncle Remus…..Kenan Thompson
Ku Klux Klan Man…..Fred Armisen
Moonshine Hillbilly…..Will Forte
Southern Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Col. Sanders…..Bill Hader
Deliverance Banjo Guy…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jaime Pressley!

Jaime Pressley: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! This is a dream come true for me, I am so thrilled to be hosting the show tonight. Now, a lot of you know me as “Jot”, my character on “My Name is Earl.” [ audience cheers ] She’s a little trashy — a lot of trashy. And since I really am from the South, people tend to think that’s who I am. They have a preconceived notion that we’re all a bunch of hillbillies, southern belles, and rednecks with shotguns.

[ cut to offstage, where members of the cast dressed like southern stereotypes — rednecks, hillbillies, southern belles, and two slaves — stand in wait ]

Jason Sudeikis: Did she — did she just say we’re not doing a hillbilly/southern belle/redneck-with-a-shotgun thing? Wow!

Maya Rudolph: Jason, you did talk to her about doing this, right?

Jason Sudeikis: No! No, no, no, no! But I thought we’d — you know, she’d be COOL with it. Hey! We’ll just go out — we’ll have fun, we’ll riff around!

Kenan Thompson: Oh, man. Uncle Remus is gettin’ OUT of here! Zippity-doo-dah, my ass! [ walks off ]

Fred Armisen: I think Kenan needs a friend right now. [ dons a Ku Klux Klan hood and runs after Kenan ]

[ cut back to Pressley at Home Base ]

Jaime Pressley: — So I thought I would just sing a song by a fellow southerner — Miss Peggy Lee — who, by the way, NEVER wore Daisy Dukes.

[ the house band plays the notes to “Fever” ]

Jaime Pressley: [ singing ]
“Never know how much I love youNever know how much I care.”

[ suddenly, Bill Hader, dressed like Col. Sanders, begins to sway in time behind Pressley ]

Jaime Pressley: [ singing ]
“But when you put your arms around meI get a fever –“

[ Pressley now notices Hader swaying behind her ]

Jaime Pressley: Bill! Bill, Bill! [ waves him offstage, starts her song over ]

“When you put your –“

[ Jason, Maya, and Kristen now appear on stage behind Pressley, distracting her once more ]

Jaime Pressley: Okay! Okay, stop! Stop.

Jason Sudeikis: Whoo-hoooooo!! [ fires his shotgun into the air and screams ] I’m Southern! I’m Southern, so Southern! Southern!

Jaime Pressley: I-I thought I made myself EXTREMELY clear, that I did NOT want to do this kind of thing on the show!

Kristen Wiig: We are so sorry, Jaime. We really didn’t want to offend you.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we should’ve known better. But we don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no monologue.

Jaime Pressley: Okay, thanks. It’s-it’s-it’s cool. Go ahead, just get out of here.

[ everyone leaves the stage, except for a bush of cornstalks where Will Forte and Darrell Hammond, dressed like hillbillies, hide ]

Jaime Pressley: You — you guys weren’t going to do a “Hee Haw” bit, were you?

[ Will and Darrell look at one another, admit their defeat and shake their heads ]

Will & Darrell: No.

[ Amy Poehler, dressed like Minnie Pearl, has a different response: ]

Amy Poehler: How-dyyyyy!!

Jaime Pressley: Alright, that’s funny. We got it. Southerners are all a bunch of hicks. Okay. Go ahead. Great. Okay.

[ Will, Darrell, and Amy pick up their cornstalks prop and exit the stage, revealing Andy Samberg dressed as the hillbilly from “Deliverance” sitting on a stool ]

Jaime Pressley: Now — now — wow, this is the worst. Come on down here. You! Let’s go. Come on! [ Andy relunctantly stands up and steps forward ] Now, go ahead and play the — whoever — song.

[ Andy plunks the opening notes to “Dueling Banjos” ]

Jaime Pressley: This is the most offensive Southern stereotype of all. I mean, the super-creepy, halfwit, hillbilly inbred.

Andy Samberg: Actually, I’m in the band.

Jaime Pressley: Oh, I am so sorry.

Andy Samberg: That’s okay. I get it all the time.

[ he begins to strum his banjo and dance around like a hillbilly inbred ]

Jaime Pressley: Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight — Corinne Bailey Rae is here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Kuato

Danny…..Bill Hader
Claire…..Jaime Pressley
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Kuato…..Andy Samberg

[ open on interior, casual party atmosphere. Danny and Claire sit on a couch in mid-conversation with Jason and Kristen sitting on an adjacent easychair. ]

Danny: — So he turns around and I yell, “Hey, pal! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!”

[ the group laughs ]

Jason: I told you – this guy’s a maniac! [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Danny ] Give me some!

[ they high-five one another ]

Danny: Right! [ his cell phone rings ] Sorry, guys. I gotta take this – work never ends. [ he leans off to the side of the couch to take his call ]

Claire: [ leans closer to Jason and Kristen to whisper: ] Wow! Danny’s really sweet. Is he single?

Kristen: Oh, uh.. h-he’s s-single, all right.. but, uh, trust me, you d-do not want to get involved with him!

Jason: [ matter-of-factly ] Yeah. He’s got a Kuato.

Claire: A what?

Jason: A Kuato. [ Claire stares blankly ] You know – a-a-a little mutant guy that-that lives inside of him, you know? Lives inside of him and comes out of his stomach.

Kristen: It was in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie – “Total Recall”?

Claire: From, like, twenty years ago?

Jason: Mmm-hmm.

Claire: I don’t think I saw that one.

Jason: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, it’s great! You see, Arnold has to help this race of mutants create a.. new atmosphere on the planet of Mars!

Kristen: Yeah! Kuato’s the leader of the mutant resistance.

Jason: Mmm-hmm. And now he’s living inside of Danny!

Claire: What?

Jason: [ looks over ] Uh-oh! It’s happening. It’s happening. [ points toward Danny ]

[ they all look over with great disgust to see the little mutant Kuato poke out of Danny’s stomach. Danny sits in a trance with his head jerked back. ]

Kuato: [ blinking his eyes and wagging his tongue ] What’s crackin’, y’all? Kuato in da house!

Claire: My God! That’s disgusting!

Kuato: What is? Oh, no – is it my breath? [ breathes into his hands ] Oh! I knew it! Any of you Quaids got a Smint?

Jason: Yep. Yeah, buddy, I got one. [ reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Smints ] There you go.

Kuato: Thanks.

[ Jason proceeds to drop Smints into Kuato’s hands, but Kuato never seems to get a grip in any of them ]

Jason: Having a little trouble there – there you go.

Kuato: I missed that one. Maybe just place it.. ’cause.. you know.

Jason: Yeah.

Kuato: Yeah. This is gonna be the best!

Jason: [ places a Smint on Kuato’s tongue ] There you go! [ the Smint misses its target yet again ] Oops!

Kuato: Well – you know what, I’ll snag it later. But thanks, Quaid – my breath was kickin’ like Bruce Lee!

Jason: [ to Claire ] He’s, uh – he’s really into Smints!

Claire: Yeah. I think I’m gonna be sick..

Kuato: What’s wrong with this Quaid?

Kristen: She’s never seen a Kuato before.

Kuato: Oh. That’s weird. [ to Claire ] You’re weird, Weirdo!! [ laughs maniacally, as he struggles to move his hands closer to his face ] You know, I – I can’t seem to finagle that Smint into my mouth. Can one of you Quaids hook me up?

[ an awkward silence, as Jason and Kristen look at Claire ]

Jason: Do it, Claire.

Claire: Why me?

Kristen: You’re sitting right next to him!

Claire: I’d really rather not.

Jason: Oh, come on – look at him. You’re hurting his feelings.

[ cut to Kuato with a hurt look on his face ]

Claire: Fine.

[ Claire relunctantly picks up one of the Smints and moves it up to Kuato’s mouth. Kuato reacts with a hungry snarl that causes her to retreat. Instead, Claire attempts to toss the Smint into Kuato’s mouth. ]

Kuato: Oh, come on! Just place it. Come on.

[ Jason hands Claire a Smint ]

Kuato: Just place it.

[ Claire moves the Smint up to Kuato’s mouth, and he again reacts with a hungry snarl. The Smint bounces off his lips. ]

Kuato: Just a taste was enough! Thanks, babe. Hey! Any of you Quaids dare me to eat my own fist? I’ll totally do it!

Claire: Why does he keep calling us “Quaids”?

Jason: That’s Schwarzenegger’s character from “Total Recall.”

[ Kuato now has an entire fist in his mouth. He spits it out and smiles. ]

Kuato: Ha! Told you I could do it! You guys are so molded! [ laughs ] Hey, guys? What Quaid does a Kuato have to blow to get a Molsen around here?

Claire: That is so vile!

Kuato: I’m kidding. But, seriously – can someone snag me a Molsen? I can’t walk.

Jason: Why don’t you make Danny do it? You’re in his body.

Kuato: Oh, come on, man! You know I don’t get along with that Quaid! Oh, man – here he comes!

[ they all turn their heads away in disgust as Kuato jerks back into Danny’s stomach, and Danny comes to ]

Jason: Oh, wow!! That is not nice to look at!!

Claire: Yeah. It’s almost grosser going back in than it was coming out —

Jason: Oh!

Kristen: Yeah. I-I-I would say definitely.

Danny: [ gasping for air ] Wha – what happened? Where am I?

Claire: Y-you blacked out.

Danny: [ picks an object from the couch ] Oh, no – Smints! Kuato was here, wasn’t he?

Jason: Oh, yeah. Big time.

Kristen: Yeah. He was being really disgusting.

Danny: [ to Claire ] Great. Now you’re probably never gonna want to see me again, huh?

Claire: Y-yeah. I-I’m sorry, Danny, but I-I d-don’t.. I just can’t see myself with a guy who has a Kuato.

Danny: Damn you, Kuato-who-lives-in-my-stomach!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello! I’m California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger! You may remember me from films like “The Terminator” and, hopefully, “Total Recall” out there. Tonight, I want to talk to you about the important issue of immigration. Many of us react emotionally to this issue – much like all of the people in this scene reacted to the Kuato over there! At first look, Kuato is repulsive! It is slimy! And it smells bad in there! But if we give the Kuato a chance, it just might help our economy. to conclude: Open your mind, Quaid! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha!! Yeeeeeeeessss, that’s me out there! Good night out there!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Jon Bovi

Jackie Downs…..Jaime Pressly
Assistant…..Bill Hader
Metal head 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Metal head 2…..Will Forte

[Opens with the office of record executive JackieDowns. Gold and platinum records hang from the walls.Jackie sits at her desk and talks in her earpiece]

Jackie Downs: I just think the album cover is tooracy. Because she’s a role model to young girls. Fine.You want to use the one where Ashlee’s nipples areexposed, be my guest Mr.Simpson.[gets off the call.Her assistant peeks from the door]

Assistant: Jackie, your 10 o’clock is here.

Jackie Downs: Damn. I’m seeing these guys as a favorto my fanny facialist. Let them in but interrupt me in5 minutes.

Assistant: You got it, Jackie.

[In walks two moustached,long haired metal heads,dressed in 80’s metal fashion. Bandanna, hankies,leather jackets, the works. Metal head 1 is eating abanana]

Metal Head 1: So you’re the great Jackie Downs.

Jackie Downs: Yeah, and who the hell are you?

Metal Head 2: We’re your new hit record.

Jackie Downs: Great. So I hear you’re a rock band,something like Bon Jovi?

[Outraged]

Metal Head 1: Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!

Metal Head 2: You take that back! We are nothing likeBon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: We couldn’t be further from Bon Jovi,God!

Jackie Downs: Ok, fine. What is your band’s name?

Metal Head 2: Jon Bovi.

Jackie Downs: See now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovito me.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, well the similarities end there,Jackie Downs.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Joviin the same sentence as Jon Bovi. It is insulting tous and all the Bovi fans.

Jackie Downs: Look, I don’t have a lot of time.

Metal Head 1: NO!! You have all the time in theWORLD!!

Jackie Downs: Well, actually I have like 5 minutes.

Metal Head 2: Well, you’ll make 5 lifetimes for usafter you hear this…

Metal head 1 and 2: 1!!, 3!!, 4!!

Metal Head 1: Wait, hold on.

Metal Head 2: Where are we starting?

Metal Head 1: 2’s good?

Metal Head 2: Ok.

Metal Head 1: All right.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!![Rip-off of BonJovi’s hit “Wanted: Dead or Alive”]

Metal Head 1:[sings]Cause I’m an Indian…

Metal Head 2: India-a-a-an….

Metal Head 1: On a cotton horse I do not ride, I’munwanted…

Metal Head 2: Unwanted…

Metal head 1 and 2: Alive or dead, alive or dead,a-live or…..de-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ad![singing stops]

Metal Head 1: Boom! Now where the “f” do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-ens!![hold upa couple of pens]

[Jackie studies them, metal heads grin like idiots]

Metal Head 1: I said, where the “f” do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: And I said, we brought our ownpe-e-e-e-ens!!!

Jackie Downs: Guys, that song sounds exactly like BonJovi.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: Uuuuh?!!

Metal Head 1: What?!

Jackie Downs: It is Bon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: Yeah, lady you’re crazy, all right. Thatsong is the exact opposite of a Bon Jovi song.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we hate Bon Jovi. That’s exactlywhy we started Jon Bovi in the first place!

Metal Head 1: Now, where the “f” do we sign!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!

Jackie Downs: I’m never, ever gonna sign you.

Metal Head 2: Until you hear this…

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!!….5!!, 6!!, 7!!,8!!, 9!!, 10!!, 11!!, 12!!, 13!!

[Rip-off of the Bon Jovi hit “Bad Medicine”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Your hate is like goodmedicine!, good medicine is not what I need!, causeI’m healthy, your hate is like good medicine!, goodmedicine is not what I need…

Jackie Downs: Get out of my office!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, I see what’s going on. She’sscrewing with us.[cracks himself up]

Metal Head 2: She totally got me!! I thought you werenot gonna sign us!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, you’re good, Jackie Downs!

Metal Head 2: Good? She’s great!

Metal Head 1: I like the vibe here. It’s laid back.Good, good.

Metal Head 2: This is the environment where we willcreate original hit records.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, put’em on the walls.

Jackie Downs: You guys, I’m not joking. Get out.

Metal Head 1: Ok, all right. That’s cool. Not a Bovifan. We got some other looks.

Metal Head 2: Yeah.

Metal Head 1: We use to dick around with some folkmusic stuff that’ll really freak your beans.

Metal Head 2: You might have heard of us. We werecalled Cherry Hapin.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 4!!,6!!, 8!! who do weappreciate, thi-i-i-i-s song!!![sing] And the dogs inthe hamlet and the golden fork, big girl red and thewoman in the sun…

Jackie Downs: Ok, that’s enough.

Metal Head 1: Ok sure, we’ll move on to hip-hop if youlike.[Rip-off of Usher’s hit song “Yeah”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing and dance]Toot-toot,toot-toot NO!!, Toot-toot, toot toot NO!!

Jackie Downs:[picks phone up]Can you please get mesecurity, please?!

Metal Head 1: Ok, how about some gay hair metal?!

Metal Head 2: Hecks yeah!! Crotley Mue!!

[Rip-off of Motley Crue’s hit “Girls, Girls, Girls”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Boys!!,Boys!!, Boys!!Scratchy beards, floppy dongs!!…[Metal head 1demonstrates with the banana peel]

Jackie Downs: Stop right there!!

Metal Head 1: Where do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we don’t need pe-e-e-e-ens!! Oh,wait, my pens are gone.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: We do need a pen.

Metal Head 1: Where is your pen?

Metal Head 2: I don’t know. I put it in my butt andnow I can’t find it.

Metal Head 1: Why did you put it in your butt?

Metal Head 2: It’s not as important as this recorddeal right now. So let’s just focus on that.

Metal Head 1: All right, we’ll focus on that but we’lltalk about this thing later.

Jackie Downs: You guys, for the last time, shut up!I’ve heard enough…[gets up behind her desk]Enough tooffer you a 50 year recording contract.

Metal Head 1: Wh-o-o-o-o-o-ah!!![jumps around]

Metal Head 2: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!!

Jackie Downs: You had me at “floppy dongs”. Now let’smake some hit records!!

Metal Head 2: Woooo!!!

[The 3 of them raise their fists in the air. Cut tothe CD cover, the metal heads playing flying v’selectric guitars. Jon Bovi’s new album is entitled:Jon Bovi Does Not Sing The Hits Of Scorpions. A songis heard. It’s a rip-off of Scorpions’s hit “Rock youlike a Hurricane”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing]I’m not here!!, roll me likea pleasant day!!….

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1982

Out-of-Breath Jogger…..Andy Samberg

Don Pardo: And now, a moment with The out-of-breath jogger from 1982!

[FADE to the jogger doing stretches in front of a slide of a wooded highway. He wears a headband, navy blue short-shorts and a T-shirt which reads “Let’s Get Physical.”]

Jogger: [panting] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, man! This recession is the worst, huh? Ohhhh! Whooooooo! Gorbachev really has Reagan against the ropes! Oh, man! [stretches and bends over away from camera] Uhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhh… I’m so tired! I feel like the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals must have felt… right after they won the World Series this year! Uhhhhhh… oh, man! Pet rock! Ohhhhhhhhhh… [panting] Can’t get wait… can’t wait to get… one of those new Atari’s… and play… 1982! [jogging off] WHOOOOOO!!!

[Hold on the park slide for a moment, then FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

An Address From Dennis Hastert

Speaker Dennis Hastert…..Darrell Hammond

FADE IN:

Blue background with the House of Representatives seal.

Announcer: The following is an address from the Speaker of the UnitedStates House of Representatives: Dennis Hastert.

INT. HASTERT’S OFFICE – EVENING

Speaker DENNIS HASTERT, in suit and tie, remains seated at his officedesk, hands folded, and nods.

SUPER: REP. DENNIS HASTERT (R) IL — SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

Dennis Hastert: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Throughout the past week, ournation’s media has been filled with sensational stories concerning acertain member of Congress – Representative Mark Foley of Florida. And hise-mail correspondence with several young men – all formal Congressionalpages. Without question, these e-mails were highly inappropriate andaccordingly, Mr. Foley has resigned his seat in Congress. Some havecriticized the way this issue was handled by House Republican leaders, butlet’s be honest, a number of individuals share some responsibility here.Former President Clinton, The Washington Post, Al-Qaeda Number Two ManAyman al-Zawahiri, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her daughterChelsea. There’s plenty of blame to go around.

So rather than indulge in partisan finger-pointing, let’s move on. Thathaving been said however, it would be wrong to close the books onCongressman Foley’s career without first acknowledging the singularcontribution he made during his 12 years in the House. In particular, hiswork with the Congressional Page Program. More than any other member ofCongress, Rep. Foley cared about these kids. Their interests, their plansfor the future… even the kind of underpants they wore.

For many pages, his office became a home away from home. Where theoverwhelmed, the homesick, or those insecure about their bodies were sureto find a sympathetic ear. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on or even a playfulpillow fight, followed by a soothing alcohol rub down. His genoursity waslegendary. It might be a bewildered 16-year-old living away from home forthe first time who looked like he could use some assistance putting on histrousers. Or a shy youngster unfamiliar with clothes shopping, overheardto say he needed “new swimming trunks”. Mark Foley was there to help. Andunlike most members of Congress, he didn’t wait to be asked.

But once a young man was back at home, his time as a page over, was heforgotten? Not by Mark Foley. Whether it was a high school swim meet,wrestling match or even a wrestling practice, you were sure to find himthere – video camera in hand – to lend his support. Never one to drawattention to himself, he usually did his filming while in an elaboratedisguise or sometimes from a parked car. And he sought no thanks or evenacknowledgement for his thoughtfulness. As a matter of fact, in mostcases, he didn’t even tell the young men he was filming them.

As often as not, former pages would be surprised even astonished to learnabout the hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage he had shot of them.All meticulously labeled — indexed according to hair color, body type,and style of underpant. And carefully maintained his self-storage unit insuburban Maryland. That’s the kind of guy he was.

Congressman Foley may have had his eccentricities, even his faults as dowe all, but we in the House are going to miss this man. Because now thathe is gone, there is no one in Congress quite like him… I mean maybe onthe Democratic side, definitely no Republicans. We’re absolutely certainabout that. We’ve checked. So thank you. And live from New York, it’sSaturday Night.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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