Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly’s Monologue

…..John C. Reilly
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – John c. Reilly!

[ the audience cheers and screams with great enthusiasm ]

John C. Reilly: Oh.. wow! Hello! Hello! [ humbled ] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [ the audience continues with their applause ] Wow! Hey! This is really amazing! This is reaaaaly amazing, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – little ol’ me, whaddaya know? [ a couple of audience members whoop ] I have to say, this is kind of unbelievable. I mean, literally unbelievable. When they called me to ask me to host the show, you know, I said, “Yes,” of course. But I told them, “You know, you might have to remind people, a little bit, of who I am exactly.” Because.. well.. lots of people seem to know my face – I’ve been in over forty films – but, you know, I’ll admit it – I’m not exactly a household name, you know? They know the work, but not the name.

James Lipton: That is a patent false-hood.

[ the audience screams and cheers excitedly, as Will Ferrell, dressed as James Lipton, stands in the audience, clutching his blue note cards ]

James Lipton: All the peoples of the world know who you arrrre – and.. they.. relish you. You.. sir.. are a de-light! [ laughs maniacally ]

John C. Reilly: James Lipton! Wow! I can’t believe it!

[ Lipton runs up on stage to join Reilly ]

James Lipton: You know – you know – thank you! Thank you for a body of work.. that is brilliantly personified. If you want to see a magnificant performance —

John C. Reilly: James. Thank —

James Lipton: — an astonishing performance —

John C. Reilly: It’s just that I’m right in the middle of —

James Lipton: — a moment SO splendifferous.. its mere existence offers irrefutable proof.. that there.. is indeed.. a God!

John C. Reilly: Sir, I don’t —

James Lipton: The role, of course.. is that of Marcellus Wallace. The film? “Pulp Fiction!”

John C. Reilly: I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: Nonsense! You are being modest! You.. were.. spell-bind-ing!

John C. Reilly: No, really – I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: [ laughs maniacally, as he switches blue cards ] The year.. was 1965. THe place? The Milky Way galaxy. More specifically, our solar system. The film? “Sound of Music.”

John C. Reilly: I was born in 1965 —

James Lipton: Indeed you were. Born anew on film. You were also the voice of R2D2 in “The Sound of Music.” Changed not only the way we look at cinema —

John C. Reilly: He was a robot, Sir.

James Lipton: — but how we look at ourselves, in the mirror —

John C. Reilly: James —

James Lipton: — when you’ve slept on a courderoy pillow —

John C. Reilly: I —

James Lipton: — or, perhaps, a telephone cord —

John C. Reilly: Yes. I appreciate —

James Lipton: — after a night of what the French call Le petit melangalias, a le, a lai —

John C. Reilly: Thank you very much, sir. That’s very kind of you, but —

James Lipton: And now we come full circle.

John C. Reilly: That’s a lot of cards.

James Lipton: Yes. The year? 2002.

John C. Reilly: Okay!

James Lipton: The film? “Chicago.”

John C. Reilly: Yes. Well, I was in that one.

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: And, of course.. the role? Roxy Hart.

John C. Reilly: No – Roxy Hart was a woman.

James Lipton: [ laughs manaically ] Indeed!! When Roxy claims to be pregnant —

John C. Reilly: But I didn’t play her —

James Lipton: — to refocus the limelight directly on her —

John C. Reilly: Yes. But, I —

James Lipton: — it —

John C. Reilly: It was Renne Zelwegger —

James Lipton: — was —

John C. Reilly: She was a woman —

James Lipton: — Brilliant! [ a beat ] Could we speak to Roxy?

John C. Reilly: James, I didn’t —

James Lipton: [ puts his hand on Reilly’s face ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: I didn’t play —

James Lipton: Is Roxy in there? [ puts his fingers to Reilly’s mouth, and proceeds to dig his way inside ]

John C. Reilly: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Yes!

James Lipton: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

John C. Reilly: Yes, she’s here!

James Lipton: I think everyone here would enjoy hearing some of roxy’s signature song. Wouldn’t you, audience?

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: Would you?! [ to Reilly ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: [ giving in ] Oh, James, you hopeless dreamer.

James Lipton: Oh, yes! Yes!

John C. Reilly: [ grabs a microphone and begins singing ]”It’s good, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: [ throws his blue cards to the ground ] Marvelous!

John C. Reilly: “Grand, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: It’s happening!

John C. Reilly: “Great, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: I have an erection!

John C. Reilly:
“Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?
Nowadays.”

James Lipton: I can’t believe it! [ grabs a microphone of his own, and sings ]
“There’s men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowww-a-dayyys.”

John C. Reilly: “You can like the life you’re livin’.”

James Lipton: “You can live the life you like.”

John C. Reilly: “You can even marry Harry.”

James Lipton: “But mess around wiht Ike.”

Together:
“And that’s
Good, isn’t it?
Grand, isn’t it?
Great, isn’t it?
Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?”

John C. Reilly:
“But nothing stayyyys

In fifty years or so –“

James Lipton: “It’s gonna change, you know.”

Together:
“But, ohhhh, it’s heaven
Now-a-dayyyyys.”

James Lipton: Let’s hear it for our host, Sean J. Reilly!

[ a neon sign drops down that reads: “Sean C. Reilly” ]

John C. Reilly: Almost! That’s also incorrect!

James Lipton: Sean J. Reailly – I’m sorry!

John C. Reilly: We have a great show for you tonight!

James Lipton: “Apocolypse Now!”

John C. Reilly: My Chemical Romance is here!

James Lipton: “Kramer vs. Kramer!”

John C. Reilly: Stick around, we’ll be right back! It’ll be fun!

James Lipton: “The Birdcage!”

Together: “Now-a-dayyyyyysss –“

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment III

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Mr. McMillan Sr…..Jason Sudeikis

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged man and his senior citizen father are sitting at a table. A plate of Oreos sits between them.]

Mr. McMillan: Hey, Dad, check this out. Twist it, scrape the cream out, and then put it back together. Remember when we used to do that?

Mr. McMillan Sr.: [disapproving] That’s not how you do it.

Mr. McMillan: Then you tell me, Dad! [music stops] ‘Cause you’ve got all the answers!

Mr. McMillan Sr.: Such a temper!

Mr. McMillan: Yeah? You like it?! ‘Cause you gave it to me!

[Mr. McMillan Sr. groans disapprovingly as he leaves]

Mr. McMillan: And I’m sure everybody at the nursing home loves to hear all about your “ass son”.

[music starts again over a title card]

Mr. McMillan: [yelling off-screen] See you in Hell, Dad!

Narrator: Another McMillan family moment.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment II

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Jarvis…..Kenan Thompson

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged man and teenaged boy are sitting at a table, both wearing Big Brothers Chicago t-shirts. Each have a glass of milk with a plate of Oreos between them.]

Mr. McMillan: So, listen. I just thought as your new Big Brother, I’d show you the McMillan family tradition of how to eat an Oreo cookie.

Jarvis: [apprehensive] Okay —

Mr. McMillan: So first thing out of the gate, Jarvis. You hold the edges of the cookie with both hands. And then you give it a nice gentle twist. [demonstrates] And then– [Jarvis shoves a cookie in his mouth and drinks his milk] No, no, don’t drink the milk yet!

Jarvis: Hey, you got an Xbox up in here? [music stops]

Mr. McMillan: [throws the cookie on the table] Yeah, yeah, we got an Xbox. [goes off-camera] Uh-huh. [comes back with the console] Here. There you go. [throws it on the table] Yeah, have fun, Champ!

Jarvis: Whoa!

Mr. McMillan: Yeah, knock yourself out! [throws his glass of milk on the table] Play till your fingers fall off! Call me when you want a ride home, I’ll be in the other room paying my taxes to support jackass programs so brats like you can play Xbox! How’s that grab you, Full of Cream?! [Jarvis is taken aback] Have fun telling them down at Big Brother what an ass I am! [storms out, slams door]

[music starts again over a title card which reads:]

Female Narrator: Another McMillan Family Moment.

[laughter and applause]

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment I

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Jerry…..Andy Samberg

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged dad and his teenaged son are sitting at a table. Each have a glass of milk with a plate of Oreos between them.]

Mr. McMillan: You see, Jerry, you can’t just eat it right away. Every family has its own system of eating Oreos, and I think it’s time I taught you the McMillan system that my dad taught me. First thing out of the gate: Hold the edges of the cookie with both hands. And then you give it a nice gentle twist. [demonstrates for his son] And when you pull them apart, you’re going to have a naked side, and a cream side. You see that?

Jerry: [unengaged] Yeah.

Mr. McMillan: Great. Then you’re gonna wanna scrape the cream with your teeth, straight down the middle like a snow shovel. [does so] Mmm, see? Like this. Mmm. Now just enjoy that cream for a minute. Mmm, nice. Now, what you want to do is put the two halves back together and then we move into what I call, “the dunking phase”.

Jerry: Can’t I just eat it?

Mr. McMillan: [angrily throws the Oreo on the table] Yeah. [music stops] Eat it. Go ahead, eat ’em all. [throws the Oreos on the plate at him] Choke ’em down. There. There! [stands up] How dare I try to teach my son a family tradition?!

Jerry: I’m kinda old for that, Dad!

Mr. McMillan: [in Jerry’s face] Oh, yeah, I blew it! Who wants to know about their own family?! That’s boring! You know what? Why don’t you just make up some new traditions, like sitting on your ass! [Jerry shifts in his chair] Playing video games and downloading rock songs on the iTube! Do your thing.

Jerry: — can I go now?

Mr. McMillan: You make the rules, you tell me! [Jerry leaves] Yeah, have fun telling your mother what an ass I am.

[music starts again over a title card which reads:]

Female Narrator: This has been a McMillan Family Moment.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Korean Central Television

Kim Jong Il…..Amy Poehler
Guards…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen

[Network logo for KCT]

Announcer: You’re watching Korean Central Television! Coming up at seven o’clock, it’s a documentary: National Treasure: The Yonjibong Pine Tree. Followed by Magnum P.I. Then, it’s ten hours of darkness! But first, an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!

[James Bond style theme music plays as Jong Il fences, saves a baby from a burning building, and has a shoot-out in the Old West. Fireworks play over the cursive text “Kim Jong Il” as he grins at the camera.]

[Jong Il sits on an ornate throne, flanked by two guards. His feet do not reach the floor.]

Kim Jong Il: Greetings, fellow citizens of the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea! Today I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we have a nuclear bomb! Ha cha cha! [gives two thumbs up] Now the bad news. Great imperialist aggressor the United States has passed UN Resolution 1718, putting cruel trade sanctions on our noble country. What does it mean for the People’s Republic of Korea? I’m not going to lie to you. The bountiful and prosperous times that our nation has known up until now are no more! It is belt-tightening time. And if you have a leather belt, it is probably belt-eating time. [In a Hank Kingsley voice] Hey now. [does jazz hands]

But let’s be honest. This country has had it easy for too long. It’s time to make some sacrifices! [graphic goes up depicting this] Where a family of four used to get one bag of rice, five gallons of water and no bags of sand, they will now get a half a bag of rice, no gallon of water, and ten bags of sand.

[back to Jong Il] So it’s one of these. [balance scale impression with hands] Check this out! March!

[camera widens to watch the two guards march] March higher! [the guards do] Stop! [they stop] Ha ha, I love that!

Don’t think Kim Jong Il does not have to make sacrifices as well! What if I need a part for one of my fish tank motors? I will not be able to order it! I will have to take it from another one of my fish tank motors. Ohhh, thinking about it drives me craaaazy! [shakes fists]

In closing, I have a nuclear bomb! To America, I would like to say: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat, wisenheimers!” Until next time, save me the aisle seat. [blows a kiss at the camera, Dating Game-style]

[KCT network logo]

Announcer: This has been an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!

[Jong Il breaks through the graphic to the Looney Tunes theme]

Kim Jong Il: Muhmuhmuhmuh, that’s all, folks!

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Goodnights

…..John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly: Thanks to My Chemical Romance and Mr. Will Ferrell! It’s been an amazing week! May your God bless you. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Colonial Williamsburg

Gary…..John c. Reilly
Mr. Morrison…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Maya Rudolph
Darnell…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Colonial Williamsburg, stock footage of horse-and-buggy going past ]

[ dissolve to Gary, dressed in colonial garb, narrating to tour group ]

Gary: [ adjusting his tri-corner hat ] Ah! There we are! [ begins: ] Now, the early settlers used wood for a number of purposes: building, heat, cooking.. games of chance —

[ Gary’s manager, Mr. Morrison, steps right into the middle of the scene, dressed casually in a short-sleeve shirt and tie ]

Mr. Morrison: Uh – sorry, folks. Gary, can I talk to you for a second?

Gary: Oh. Hey, Mr. Morrison! [ to the tour group ] Alright, many pardons, travelers! Please, travel off by ways! [ waves his hand away, as they begin to disperse ]

Mr. Morrison: Maybe you could get a churro or something!

[ the tour group has finally moved along ]

Gary: Could I offer you half a johnny cake, Mr. Morrison?

Mr. Morrison: Uh, no thanks, Gary. Uh – uh, you’ve worked here at Colonial Williamsburg for what, three weeks now?

Gary: Uh – a fortnight and a half-fortnight, yes.

Mr. Morrison: Right. Yeah. uh – well, I just want to start out by saying that we love,/i> your enthusiasm for the job. It’s clear you have a.. real passion for history.

Gary: Well, as I told you when I first started here – I’ve always longed to harken back to an earlier time.

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. You know, once again, I’m impressed both with that sentiment, and with your.. use of the word “harken”, which.. you really came within a stone’s throw of using correctly once. The thing is, since you started here, Gary, uh, a number of people have come to me with some complaints about you.

Gary: Well, they should file them at Town Hall, like the rest of us!

Mr. Morrison: Right. You’re, of course, referring to the building with the “Town Hall” sign, which is.. actually the gift shop.

Gary: Oh, I get it! sort of like how the old — Ye Olde Apothecary’s really the bathrooms!

Mr. Morrison: No. No, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Uh – back to my original point. You know, it’s no secret that you’ve had some problems with some of the other employees – or, more accurately, it’s one particular group that’s had a problem with you. Uh – Gary, would you care to guess which one that is?

Gary: [ thinking ] Those dastardly British?

Mr. Morrison: Mmm-hmm. No, no. We don’t have any British employees. Why don’t you guess again?

Gary: [ thinking ] I hope you’re not gonna tell me it’s the Slaves.

Mr. Morrison: There’s no slaves here, Gary. Alright? There’s no slaves. There are, however, some very unhappy African-American employees.

Gary: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Morrison. Ugh! This johnny cake is so dry. [ looks offscreen ] Mammy!! Fetch me some water from the well!

Mr. Morrison: No, that’s —

[ an employee named Denise, dressed like a colonial slavegirl, exits from one of the colonial houses ]

Denise: [ to Gary ] As I’ve told you before.. my name is Denise. Not “Mammy.” Mr. Morrison, this is completely offensive —

Mr. Morrison: Alright —

Denise: Can you please talk to him while I go get ready for Aunt Bessie’s Honkytonk Jamboree. [ dons a Mammy headdress, gives Gary a dirty look, then exits ]

Mr. Morrison: Of course, Denise.

Gary: Mr. Morrison, I – I don’t understand. She’s playing a slave! I’m just treating her the way my character would have treated her in colonial times!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. Okay. Well, she’s not the only one, though, Gary. Lamar Paulsen, for example, is very upset.

Gary: Well, again – I’m just treating him as his character. You know, I always try to be as historically accurate as possible, while within these grounds!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. But Lamar works in the corporate office, which is about thirty miles away from “the grounds.” and, for someone who’s trying to be “historiclaly accurate”, you’ve sent a whole lot of offensive e-mails!

Gary: Well.. I-I do have to take some historical liberties just to live my life!

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. Well, you’ve also been extremely offensive towards out many Asian-American tour groups, which, aside from being horribly inappropriate, has absolutely no historical basis! Because there weren’t any Asian people around in colonial times!

Gary: Well.. as always, I’ve tried to put myself in the mind of a colonial person! And I truly believe that, had they been given the opportunity, they would have hated Asian people, too!

Mr. Morrison: Uh-huh.

Gary: That’s my favorite part about this place – using your imaginiation!

Mr. Morrison: I guess what I’m trying to say, Gary, is that I think your racist behavior has nothing,/i> to do with where you work.

Gary: Wow! Mr. Morrrison! I have to be honest with you – you’re starting to sound a lot like my boss at Best BUy.

Mr. Morrison: Gary, I’m gonna have to ask you to hang up your tri-corner hat.

[ Darnell, dressed as a town crier, enters scene clanging his bell ]

Darnell: Hear ye, hear ye! Racist Cracker gets his ass fired at Williamsburg! [ clangs bell ] Soon to get jumped in the parking lot! [ clangs bell menacingly at Gary ]

Mr. Morrison: That’s enough, Darnell. That’s enough.

Darnell: Oh. Oh, okay. [ shakes his bell violently in front of Darnell for a couple of extra seconds before turning away ]

Gary: Those kneesocks are inaccurate!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer

Matt the trainer….. John C. Reilly
Male A-Hole….. Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole….. Kristin Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, two A-Holes work out with a trainer.

[Matt leans on a treadmill at a gym as the A-Holes approach him. The Male A-Hole has his iPod earbuds in, the Female A-Hole is texting into her phone]

Male A-Hole: You work here?

Matt: Yes, I do, can I help you?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re supposed to meet up with some trainer. What’s his name, babe?

Female A-Hole: Matt.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, go get Matt.

Matt: Oh, actually, I’m Matt. Were you guys my two o’clock?

Male A-Hole: That us, babe?

Female A-Hole: [looking at her nails] Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, that’s us.

Matt: Okay, well, now you know it’s 2:55.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t worry. We got here at two.

Matt: [confused] What? You were here at two? Why didn’t you come find me?

Male A-Hole: Why didn’t you come find us?

Matt: I didn’t know what you looked like?

Female A-Hole: You do now. [rolls eyes, Male A-Hole points at her]

Matt: OK. Um, I’ll tell you what. I’ve got a half hour before I need to go, we could at least get you started.

Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Matt: Okay, well, what do you guys normally do for exercise?

Male A-Hole: What do we do, babe?

Female A-Hole: [disinterestedly] For what?

Male A-Hole: For exercise.

Female A-Hole: For what?

Male A-Hole: For exercise.

Female A-Hole: [to Matt] Do you guys sell boxes?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re moving today.

Matt: [confounded] No, we don’t sell boxes. How about you guys just answer a couple fitness questions, okay?

Male A-Hole: That okay, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, shoot.

Matt: Fine. Now that you have a trainer, what are your goals?

Male A-Hole: I wanna own a horse.

Matt: No, uh, I meant physically, what are your goals.

Male A-Hole: Ohhh, right right right, I gotcha. I wanna physically own a horse.

Matt: [gives up] Okay, great. Um, what about you? [gestures to Female A-Hole]

Female A-Hole: I wanna lose 45 pounds.

Matt: [startled] Wait, did you, did you say 45 pounds?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, don’t forget about my horse.

Matt: Yes, I got the horse, thanks. Miss, losing 45 pounds would not be good for you.

Female A-Hole: Okay, then I want a horse, too.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. We’ll take two physical horses.

Matt: You know what, let’s just skip the questions. How about you hop on the treadmill so I can, you know, measure your heart rate. [Female A-Hole steps on the treadmill.] Um, you’ve used one of these before, right?

Female A-Hole: [duh] Yeah!

Matt: Okay. Great.

[Matt starts the treadmill. She continues to text, neglects to walk, and steps off the treadmill when she reaches the end of it.]

Male A-Hole: Good job, babe. You have fun?

Female A-Hole: Yeah. It’s like the sidewalk on The Jetsons.

Male A-Hole: Right. [to Matt] You know what The Jetsons are?

Matt: [nods] Yes, I know what the Jetsons are.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she can do the voice of the dog Astro. Babe, do your Astro voice. [she looks at him] Astro voice, go. [she looks at him some more]

Female A-Hole: Ra-ra roy. [he nods]

Male A-Hole: She said “bye, Elroy”.

Matt: [unenthused] Yeah, I got that. Yeah.

Female A-Hole: He does Shaggy.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you know the guy from Scooby-doo?

Matt: Yes. [they all look at each other] So you gonna do it, or —

Male A-Hole: Nope.

Matt: Okay, fine, why don’t we just–

Male A-Hole: [in same voice] Zoinks. [he laughs]

Matt: Look, folks, not to be rude, but the two of you have wasted more than an hour of my time. You know, the last thing it seems like you want to do is exercise. You don’t even know how to use the treadmill. [The A-Holes stare at him.] I mean, why are you even here? [The A-Holes stare at him.] Okay, now you’re just staring at me. [They continue to stare] Did I offend you? [Female A-Hole rolls her eyes] Wow, this is absurd. Uh, never happened to me before. I don’t know how to feel. Um, I’m kind of mad… [They stare at him] I’m embarrassed. [pauses] I guess I’m mostly embarrassed. I have to go now, okay? I’m going to be leaving. All right? Goodbye. [he leaves]

Male A-Hole: Great work-out, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yeah, I’m sweating.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. [nods] Hey, gimme a little more Astro, babe.

Female A-Hole: “Roo rook rike a rabbit.”

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 2006

John C. Reilly

My Chemical Romance

None

Will Ferrell
Special Report with Brit HumeSummary: Brit Hume presents Part One of his interview with President George W. Bush (Will Forte), in which Bush agrees with each of his statements.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

John C. Reilly’s MonologueSummary: James Lipton (Will Ferrell) praises John C. Reilly for his film performances.

Recurring Characters: James Lipton.

Bio: John C. Reilly (1965-). Character actor; co-starred with Will Ferrell in “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (2006), later headlined “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” (2007).

Transcript

Colonial WilliamsburgSummary: The manager (Jason Sudeikis) at Colonial Williamsburg has to fire Gary (John C. Reilly) for acting racist toward his co-workers in the name of historical accuracy.

Transcript

Swimming LessonSummary: Swimming teacher Doug Frangelo (John C. Reilly) makes sure his student (Will Forte) gains enough experience swimming on land before stepping into the water.

Transcript

Korean Central TelevisionSummary: Kim Jong Il (Amy Poehler) addresses the nation of North Korea.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il.

Transcript

Two A-Holes Work Out with a TrainerSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) show up late for their exercise workout, completely wasting their trainer’s (John C. Reilly) time.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

My Chemical Romance performs “Welcome to the Black Parade”Bio: Punk-pop band; formed in 2001 by lead singer Gerard Way and drummer Matt Pelissier; adopted their name from author Irvine Welsh’s novel “Three Tales Of Chemical Romance”; other members are guitarist Frank Iero, bassist Mikey Way, guitarist Ray Toro, and drummer Bob Bryar (who replaced Pelissier in 2004).

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Flavor Flav (Kenan Thompson) makes up nicknames female congressional members.

Recurring Characters: Flavor Flav.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen appeared respectively as YouTube founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen.

Transcript

Mexican RestaurantSummary: Due to a breakup with her boyfriend, Jennifer (John C. Reilly) becomes emotionally unstable during lunch with her girlfriends (Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig).

Transcript

House of CartersSummary: Sibling rivalry between Nick Carter (Jason Sudeikis) and younger brother Aaron (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Aaron Carter.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Harpoon Man (John C. Reilly) tracks down the announcer (Andy Samberg) who’s making negative comments about him during his theme song.

Transcript

McMillan Family Moment ISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) tries to pass along the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie to his ungrateful son (Andy Samberg).

Transcript

Operation BearsharkSummary: Scientists break out into song after the funding for Operation Bearshark is cut off.

McMillan Family Moment IISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) once again tries to pass along the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie to a black boy (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

My Chemical Romance performs “Cancer”Lyrics

McMillan Family Moment IIISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) lashes out at his own father (Jason Sudeikis) after learning he got the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie all wrong.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Support GroupSummary: Newsmakers Madonna (Amy Poehler), Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph), Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond), John Mark Karr (Bill Hader), and a stingray (Andy Samberg) are united in notoreity at a support group meeting.

Recurring Characters: Madonna, Paris Hilton, Donald Rumsfeld.

Note: This sketch served as the cold opening at dress rehearsal.

E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.

CoachSummary: A football coach (John C. Reilly) visits one of his star players (Andy Samberg) in the hospital.

Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

New HatSummary: Spokesman (John C. Reilly) promotes a hot dog wrapper hat.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

WVIR News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Crystal Duggler…..Jaime Pressly

[FADE IN on Gil at the WVIR anchor desk with a cheesy grin on his face.]

Gil: [in a nasal voice] Well, thank God we’ll have terrific weather for the Oysterfest this weekend. [laughs stupidly] And now let’s go to Michelle Dison with “Around the Town.” Michelle?

[CUT to Michelle in a dark business suit standing next to a blonde in a swimsuit in front of a car dealership.]

Michelle Dison: [into microphone] Hi, Gil! I’m here at Bob Gibson Pontiac with the winner of this year’s “Hands on a Hardbody” contest, Crystal Duggler. First of all, Crystal, congratulations.

Crystal Duggler: [bends over to microphone] Thank you so muuuu…ch.

[Crystal straightens and grins perkily with her hands on her hips for a long moment. As she does, Michelle looks her body up and down.]

Michelle Dison: [glances up] I’m sorry. Where did I go? [takes a deep breath] Um… now, um… Crystal, tell us about this “Hands on a Hardbody” contest.

Crystal Duggler: Well, what happens is, everybody stands around a brand new truck, touching it, and you can’t stop touching it, ever, or else you’re out, and when–

Michelle Dison: Can I, can I just say something? Uh, you are a very pretty girl. [snickers self-consciously] Yes, you’re very pretty. Isn’t she, Gil?

[CUT to Gil at the anchor desk absently sipping a mug of tea.]

Gil: [looks up with a start] Oh, uh, yes. [sets down mug] Yes, she is.

[CUT back to Bob Gibson Pontiac.]

Michelle Dison: [leering at Crystal] With nice skin, and tan… gorgeous.

Crystal Duggler: Thank you, I mean, I thought I looked terrible, I’ve been standing here with my hand on a truck for three days, so…

Michelle Dison: Well, if you look this good after all that, I can’t even imagine how good you look fresh out of the shower.

[They stand awkwardly for a long moment as Crystal’s smile slowly fades. Michelle points her mike to her, but Crystal does not speak.

Michelle Dison: Uh, it…

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: Um… Anyway, uh, what made you, uh, want to do a contest like this?

Crystal Duggler: Well, I just wanted to… y’know, try something…

Michelle Dison: ‘Cause you, you could model. You, you should model. The combination of your face, and all this, uh… you could be modeling–you should be modeling. [points to camera] That camera there would love you. This camera loves you. My camera, these camera eyes… [points to her own eyes] …love you. I love you. I mean, I don’t even know you… [laughs nervously] But… the way you look is, um… is really great.

Crystal Duggler: [bends down to mike] Thanks.

Michelle Dison: [fights for composure] So, um… how many hours were you standing there?

Crystal Duggler: Oh, about seventy-eight hours.

Michelle Dison: Someone must go to the gym.

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: [to camera] Gil, y’know, the only thing I could look at for 78 hours is this face. [points to Crystal] You’re…

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: I mean, your face is, um, one of a kind. [rapidly] I mean, I know all faces are one of a kind–unless you’re a twin, then, um…

Crystal Duggler: Well, actually, I’m an only child–

Michelle Dison: Me too!! We should talk about that later. [in a singsong voice] “Something in commonnnnnn…”

[CUT back to Gil.]

Gil: All right, let’s wrap it up, Michelle!

[CUT back to the car lot.]

Crystal Duggler: Uh, can I just say hi to my little niece? [bends to mike and waves to camera] Hi, Jenny! Hiiiii!

[Crystal becomes aware that Michelle is stealing a sniff of her hair, and she straightens up nervously.]

Michelle Dison: [in a reporter’s voice] Crystal, you are friggin’ unbelievable… um, and you know, Crystal, I’m going through a terrible divorce… um, I mean, I am a total wreck.

Crystal Duggler: You know, I should get going, cause I really haven’t eaten, I need a meal.

Michelle Dison: Me too!! That’s weird, I was just saying–oh, where could we go… [softly] Where could we go… to eat together–GOD, your BODY!

Crystal Duggler: Michelle, you know, I think your divorce has you in a really bad place, or… maybe you’re just like this all the time, I don’t know. But you took what would have been the best day of my life, and poured a big ol’ bucket of creep juice on it, so… you get some help. [She pats Michelle’s hair quickly and dashes away. Michelle touches her hair where Crystal touched it, and struggles to maintain some semblance of composure.]

Michelle Dison: Gil, are you there?

Gil: [at desk] Yes.

Michelle Dison: That, that was bad, wasn’t it?

Gil: Yeah.

[CUT back to Michelle as bird poop lands on her left shoulder and leaves a white splatter down her sleeve. She stands perfectly still for a long moment.]

Michelle Dison: [tightly] Gil?

Gil: [at desk] Yes?

Michelle Dison: I’m–I’m still on camera, aren’t I?

Gil: [off camera] Yeah. Yeah, you are.

[Michelle drifts to the left edge of the screen and looks close to tears. CUT back to the studio.]

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing–we’ll be right back!

[News theme plays as Gil nervously shuffles his papers. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts