Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

American Medical Association

Doctor…..Will Forte
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph
Dallas Rivers…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Rivers…..Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ]

[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]

Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?

Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?

Doctor: Me. Uh.. I’m the attending Doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don’t have to tell them your name!

Doctor: Well.. it’s on your chart here.

Dallas Rivers: So?!

Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!

Doctor: Well, I’ve seen many of these before, I’m, uh.. I’m a doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: Uh — doc-tor!

Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!

Doctor: Sir, I don’t know what kind of doctors you’ve had in the past, but I’m the resident Doctor.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.

Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!

Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?

Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they’re just practicing.

Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]

Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]

Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin’ —

Doctor: Okay, what I need is —

[ the Nurse enters ]

Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..

Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!

Mrs. Rivers: He didn’t do NOTHIN’!!

Dallas Rivers: Ah, it’s ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there’s gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl’s gonna put a LIST’NIN’ device in my SA-MO-AS!!

Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don’t buy dem cookies!

Dallas Rivers: I WON’T!! I won’t NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]

Nurse: Fine. It’s your leg.

Mrs. Rivers: No! It’s your leg!

[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]

Nurse: And who are you, Sir?

Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I’m his wife!

[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]

Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I’m trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You’re not gonna be shootin’ ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?

Mrs. Rivers: We can’t get pregnant.

Dallas Rivers: We.. can’t.. get.. pregnant! It’s a TRAGEDY!!

Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.

Doctor: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just calm down.. I’m gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let ‘im OUTTA here!!

Doctor: Okay, I can’t do that, you need medical attention.

Dallas Rivers: No, I don’t! Man, you know what I’m about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, baby, let’s get outta here, this ain’t no hospital —

[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]

Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!

Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!

Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!

Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..

Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don’t trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don’t measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!

[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]

[ dissolve to title card: “Brought to you by the American Medical Association” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Advance Man

Concierge…..Kristen Wiig
Mr. Smythe-Pennington…..Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel ]

[ fade to interior, main lobby, as Concierge greets Mr. Smythe-Pennington ]

Concierge: Mr. Smythe-Pennington?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: How do you do?

Concierge: I cannot tell you how excited we are to have the Queen staying here!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, only half as happy as her Majesty is to be staying here, I’m sure.

Concierge: Now, you are – and I hope I’m saying this right – an equerry?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. I arrive a day before the Queen, just to make sure that everything will be to her liking. Now, did you get my fax of requests?

Concierge: Yes. And I am happy to say that we just finished the last of it. Um – every light bulb in her suite has been replaced with a 40-watt bulb.. uh, the soaps you have sent are unwrapped and in the bathroom.. and we have just hung the last of the Renoir prints.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty thanks you. Now, if I may – um. [ pulls Concierge aside, privately ] I do have a few final requests, regarding the Queen’s more.. unique quirks and piccadillos.

Concierge: I promise you – there’s nothing we won’t do to make Your Majesty’s stay comfortable.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! Now, the reason I don’t include the following requests in the fax is that they require and added layer of discretion. Am I understood?

Concierge: Yes. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ attempts to put his glasses on, but the left arm won’t cooperate in going properly over his left ear ] Fortunately, they’re just an affectation. [ audience cracks up ] Excellent! Well, firstly, uh – please remove all sheets, and replace them with rubber sheets.

Concierge: R-rubber sheets?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Do you think you can find some?

Concierge: Um.. yes. Of course. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Good. Now, the Queen may have one or two friends over —

Concierge: Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: — so, please procure forty bottles of Belvedere vodka.. and place them on every flat surface in the room, with the cap half-twisted off. Make sure there is no distance greater than eight meters between bottles.

Concierge: I’m gonna write this down.. [ grabs a pad and pen ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Do you have mini-refrigerators?

Concierge: Uh – that, we have.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! We’ll put the mini-refrigerator in a separate room. Fill that room with other mini-pieces of furniture, like.. mini-tables.. mini-chairs.

Concierge: [ writing ] I’m sorry. I don’t understand.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, after a long day of appearances, Her Majesty likes to unwind by pretending she is a giant. And will go to that room to smash things. When you hear the smashing, send two hotel security guards to the room. Make sure they are midgets. When the Queen answers the door, have the midgets run away, screaming, “Oh, no! It’s the giant, Glombo! Run, run!”

Concierge: Okay! [ chuckles ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: At no point is anyone in your staff to make direct eye contact with the Queen.

Concierge: I will let them know.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She prefers, instead, that they make direct eye contact with her breasts. And, when addressing her, begin every sentence with the words “Homina, homina!”

Concierge: “Homina, homina?”

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty will also accept: “Owww-oooooga!”

Concierge: Got it.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Now, Her Majesty loves American TV.

Concierge: Great!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Uh, but she deplores American accents. So you need to hire British actors to re-record the dialogue for all shows on TV each night.

Concierge: Uh, what shows does she watch?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She flips around.

Concierge: We have over sixty channels.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And yet, there is only one Queen, and so many hotels to choose from.

Concierge: Understood.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Please screw in two hooks to the ceiling above the shower. Each should be able to sustain the weight of a two-hundred pound man.

Concierge: [ confused ] Hooks?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And I do believe that is it.

Concierge: I hope you don’t mind my asking, but do you have to do this at every hotel?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Everywhere except France, where most of it is there already.

Concierge: Well, we are very excited!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Thank you. Oh, and one other thing: Her Majesty does not trust safes. So she keeps all her valuables.. in the toilet.

Concierge: And what – what do I need to do about that?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ hands money to her ] Well, you need to take this four-hundred pounds, and keep it, with my apology, to whoever cleans out the safe.

Concierge: [ understood ] I see.. okay.. yes..

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: But, most importantly, just remember – she’s a regular person, just like anyone else. [ smiles ]

Concierge: Great. Will you be here when she arrives?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Absolutely not. Good day. [ exits, leaving Concierge greatly confused ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 28th, 2006

Hugh Laurie

Beck

None

Lorne Michaels

Sacha Baron Cohen

Ken Davitian
Kazakhstan Ministry of InformationSummary: In the wake of NBC’s budget cuts, Lorne Michaels announces that he’s sold the first five minutes of “Saturday Night Live” to a foreign government, then cuts to a message from the Kazakhstan Ministry of Information delivered by Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) with silent observation from Azamat (Ken Davitian).

Bio: Sacha Baron Cohen (1971-). Comedian; inspired by Peter Sellers; starred in HBO series “Da Ali G Show” as Ali G, Borat, and Brüno; expanded the middle into 2006 feature film, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”

Bio: Ken Davitian (1953-). Armenian-born actor; best-known as Borat’s producer in “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (2006); founded Sherman Oaks restaurant, The Dip, in 2003.

Transcript

Montage

Hugh Laurie’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Laurie introduces himself to the audience by outlining his acting history.

Bio: Hugh Laurie (1959-). Actor; starred in British comedy hits “Blackadder”, “Jeeves and Wooster”, “A Bit of Fry and Laurie”, and “Saturday Live”; star of “House, M.D.” on American television.

Note: A pre-recorded applause track noticably fades once Hugh Laurie begins his monologue.

Transcript

Most HauntedSummary: Derek Acorah (Hugh Laurie) accidentally cuts a fart while investigating a haunted house, which his dimwitted paranormal team (Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader) mistake as a message from a ghost.

Note: The FOX logo from the upcoming “World Series 2006” sketch appears in the upper-right corner as the current sktch fades out.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Robert Smigel, President George W. Bush displays a pair of political attack ads the Republicans will use against the Democrats during this year’s midterm elections.

2006 World SeriesSummary: At the World Series, contest winner Pamela Bell (Maya Rudolph) delivers her milked version of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Note: As the sketch fades into the commercial, Don Pardo mistakenly announces that the next live show will air on “Monday, November 11th.”

Transcript

Advance ManSummary: While preparing for Queen Elizabeth’s viit to New York, her advance man (Hugh Laurie) goes over her accomodation needs with the concierge (Kristen Wiig) at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel.

Note: Hugh Laurie has difficulty getting his reading glasses on with one hand, and thus bypasses the need for them.

Transcript

HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) administers a round-table discussion on the upcoming midterm elections with Ken Mehlman (Andy Samberg) and Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean.

Hugh’s Protest SongSummary: Hugh Laurie sings a Dylanesque protest song, in which he mumbles through the solution to the war.

Note: Hugh Laurie originally performed this bit on the first episode of the fourth season of “A Bit of Fry and Laurie” in 1995.

Transcript

Beck performs “Nausea”First Performed: 96j.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces that he’s running for Senator of America. A same-sex couple from New Jersey (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) comment on their state’s recent gay marriage ruling.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey.

Transcript

American Medical AssociationSummary: Mr. Dallas Rivers (Kenan Thompson) gives a doctor (Will Forte) a hard time during his visit to the emergency room to treat his broken leg.

Transcript

The Curse of FrankensteinSummary: On a presentation of the Late Night Movie, an angry mob crowd searches in vain for Frankenstein’s Monster (Bill Hader), who tries to fool them into thinking Dracula (Jason Sudeikis) is the real monster they’re after.

Transcript

Beck performs “Clap Hands”Lyrics

Linder & BowlesSummary: Linder (Fred Armisen) and Bowles (Hugh Laurie) “oooohhhh” and “oooohhhh” over the credentials on interviewee Rebecca’s (Amy Poehler) resume.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Casual BitchSummary: The inappropriate clothing line for the working woman.

Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Halloween special.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price.

E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.

“Lost” ExtrasSummary: A group of extras (Hugh Laurie, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) are ignored during a taping of “Lost.”

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Desperate to get noticed by celebrity magazines, Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen wander around New York.

Speed Reader

The BarSummary: A drunkard (Andy Samberg) asks other patrons if they want to go somewhere with him.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3


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06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Flavor Flav…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.

U.S. Intelligence, this week, confirmed North Korea’s claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only if they can lower their enemies dep inside a mountain.

On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. “Oh, that’s so cute!” said China.

Seth Meyers: If recent polls are correct, and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush’s administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair joined a passionate, and increasingly contentious, debate on Tuesday over the full-faced veils worn by some British Muslim women, calling it “a mark of separation.” Yeah, why can’t they just wear something normal, like a three-foot furry turd hat?

Amy Poehler: In an effort to cut 750 million dollars from its budget next year, NBC plans to air fewer comedies and dramas, which are expensive to produce, and air cheaper reality shows and game shows. So, get ready for NBC’s newest hit, “Who Wants a Roll of Pennies!”

President Bush acknowledged, Friday, that the situation in Iraq was tough, and siad he would consutl with American generals to see if a change in tactics was necessary to combat the escalating violence. Then he made some clicking sounds, said he had another call coming in, and hung up the phone.

Seth Meyers: Last sunday, six million people tuned in to the season finale of “Flavor of Love,” Flava Flav’s reality-dating show, making it the highest rated show in VH-1 history. Joining us to tell us what he’s up to now – Flavor Flav!

Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhhhh!! Ha ha ha! Flavor Flav! Yo, what up, jig?

Seth Meyers: Oh, it’s great to see you, Flav. Uh – congratulations on your show’s success —

Flavor Flav: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Uh – what are you up to now?

Flavor Flav: Thank you. Yo, you know what I’m sayin’ – Flavor’s just chillin’, you know what I’m sayin’? And, um, I’m gearin’ up for da midterm elections. Yeah.

Seth Meyers: Really? You’re into politics, Flav?

Flavor Flav: Oh, yeah, boi! My fear is dat da youth of America aren’t payin’ attention to politics. I mean, I believe we need to find a way to regain their focus and attention. Therefore, I’m givin’ all politicians nicknames! Let’s go, here we go! [ Nancy Palosi headshot appears behind Flavor Flav ] Nancy Palosi, first up! Alright, let me see, um.. she got a little soft bottom, so I’m gonna call her “Cushin’ Tushin'”! Yeah!

[ Katharine Harris headshot ] Okay. Next up is Katharine Harris. Alright, um.. I see she’s kinda top-heavy. so.. I’m gonna call her “Rack Attack”! Yeah – Rack Attack!

[ Dianne Feinstein headshot ] Next up – who’s that? Oh, that’s Dianne Feinstein. That’s Dianne Feinstein right there, I got no poblems with Dianne Feinstein! Lemme see, um.. she’s grey on top.. probably white down below.. s I’m gonna call her “Santa Claus”! [ gives a thimbs-up ] Santa Claus, yeah!

[ Barbara Boxer headshot ] Whoooo!! Barbara Boxer! Damn, boi! Lemme see, um.. she looks a lot like Nancy Palosi.. so, uh.. I’m gonna call her “Nancy Palosi”! Yeah!

[ male politician headshot ] Lemme see. I don’t know who dat is. [ male politican headshot ] I don’t know who dat is. [ Barack Obama headshot ] I don’t know who dat is.

Seth Meyers: You don’t.. know who Barack Obama is?

Flavor Flav: I don’t like the politic-os – I like the politic-hoes! [ gives a thumbs-up ] Yeah, dawgs!

Amy Poehler: Oh, this is fun! This is fun, Flavor Flav! I want a nickname, too!

Flavor Flav: [ excited ] Oh, I didn’t see you! Lemme see, um.. you got the blonde hair on top.. kinda funny.. I’m gonna call you “Barney Rubble” Yeah! Barney Rubble! That’s what’s up!

Amy Poehler: Great! That’s great!

Seth Meyers: Alright, what about me?

Flavor Flav: You “Mr. Nancy Palosi”.

Seth Meyers: Alright, I like it. Flavor flav, everyone!

Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhh!!! Flavvvvv!!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Mr. Flav.

The DEA is saying a new drug trend rising in popularity in the South is syrup, which is a concoction that is a cough syrup mixed with a sports drink. That’s weird. My mother used to call that “nap juice.”

Seth Meyers: It was reported that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has been using campaign donations instead of his personal money to pay Christmas bonuses for the support staff at the Ritz-Carlton where he lives. It’s part of the Democrats’ “Operation: Blow It Again.”

Because of a back rent dispute, the legendary punk rock club CBGB’s permanently shut down on Sunday. While the club’s future plans are unclear, one thing is certain – they will not be getting back their security deposit. [ show image of grafitti-covered bathroom ]

Amy Poehler: In an open letter to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Madonna asserts that there was just something “really special about this little guy.” [ show image of baby wearing a cone bra ]

Cone bra!

Police in Spain said, Sunday, that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight. To get an idea what that much “free fur” looks like, visit Wellesley College on a Friday night!

Seth Meyers: A stingray in Florida leaped out of the water and stabbed an eighty-one year-old man in the chest on Wednesday. Even stranger, the stingray stabbed the man with a screwdriver.

In November, voters in Nevada and Colorado will decide whether to remove all penalties for adults twenty-one or older, possessing up to an ounce of marijuana, which, if approved, would make the states the leaders in the movement to legalize the drug. [ turns his head ] That’s pretty interesting, huh, Amy?

[ Amy has disappered, leaving a “Colorado or Bust” cardboard sign on her chair in her absence ]

Seth Meyers: [ reaches over ] She left a note.

[ Seth looks at the note, as Amy’s voice narrates its text over the sound of a harmonica ]

Amy Poehler V/O: “Mah dearest Seth: It pains me that I did not get a chance to say goodbye.” [ Seth holds his hand to his chest ] “But you’ve known since you met me that I would gladly trade our friendship for an ounce of hassle-free weed.” [ Seth nods his head knowingly ] “Sincerely yours, Amy. P.S.: I stole your wallet.” [Seth frowns ] “P.P.S.: I also stole your car –” [ Seth crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then opens the note back up. ] “–and I just crashed your car.” [ Seth again crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then reopens the note. ] “Sorry!”

Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] That’s sweet! [ looks offstage reflectively, then turns to do the next joke ]

Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affiar with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Said McConaughey: [ in his Matthew McConaughey voice ] Hey. The dude’s only got one nut! The way I count, that makes him a chick! Alright, alright, alright!”

Mike Tyson has proposed a boxing match between him and Ann Wolf, a female middleweight boxer. Many believe the bout would be similar to Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King’s famed battle of the sexes, but only if Billie Jean King had been punched to death.

Amy Poehler: Rapper Fabulous was shot, early Tuesday, after leaving a Manhattan restaurant. His condition was upgraded from criticalous to stableous.

After twenty-years, and sales of nearly seven million cars, Frod has announced that it will no longer make the Taurus, forcing many thirty-somethings to find a new way to show the world they’ve given up on their dreams.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Myers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Swimming Lesson

Doug Frangelo….John C. Reilly
Terry James….Will Forte
Guy on the bench….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a guy in a red cap,goggles and a robe on apublic swimming pool. There’s a guy on a benchtoweling off]

Terry James: Excuse me. I’m looking for Doug Frangelo.I’m supposed to get a swimming lesson from him andhe’s supposedly the best in the world. Do you knowwhere I can find him?

: Let’s see….

[A blond, moustached guy appears wearing nothing but ablue speedo and yellow sort of girdle-life jacket,yellow wristbands. He is out of shape but he shows offand stretches anyway]

Terry James: Never mind. I think I just found him. Dough Frangelo?

Doug Frangelo: Who wants to know?

Terry James: I’m Terry James. We talked on the phone.

Doug Frangelo: Oh, yeah. You’re the guy who wants togo for the gold in Beijing.

Terry James: I know. It’s crazy, right? An average Joewith no swimming experience wants to compete in theOlympics. What have I been smoking, right?

Doug Frangelo: You’ve been smoking dream dust. AndDoug Frangelo is about to turn it into reality dust.Ok? So are you ready to go? Ok, let’s take off thatrobe. You heard me.

Terry James: I got to be honest, Doug. I’m a littleintimidated. I mean, my God! Look at your body.

[Doug shows off his flabby physique, stretching, bending]

Doug Frangelo: It really is something, isn’t it? Now drop that robe.

[Terry disrobes, he is slimmer than Doug but soft too. Multicolor speedo, Doug examines Terry’s body and pats him in the ass]

Doug Frangelo: You have a great, great, great body for swimming!

Terry James: I’m sure you say that to everyone.

Doug Frangelo: No, I don’t. I have never, ever saidthat to anyone. Except for my wife. 1948 goldmedalist, Greta Anderson.

Terry James: 1948? That’s quite an age difference.

Doug Frangelo: Age is just a number. Besides, the mostimportant number in our relationship is 69. You knowwhat I’m getting at?

Terry James: I think so.

Doug Frangelo: You know that term, “If there’s grasson the field then play ball”.

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: Well, there’s still grass on that fieldand I intend to play ball until the person that that grass is on is dead.

Terry James: Good for you.

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s get you strapped in.

Terry James: Strapped in?

Doug Frangelo: Are you questioning me?

Terry James: No.

Doug Frangelo: Strap in!!

[Terry turns around and puts his back pressed tightagainst Doug’s chest. Doug straps him in to his girdleand locks Terry’s wrists to his yellow wristbands]

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s walk it out a little bit,let’s walk out. Just move a little.[They walk aroundthe edge of the pool together]Let me get to know yourmuscles. All right. I like what I’m feeling. Do youlike what you’re feeling?

Terry James: I guess.

Doug Frangelo: Ok, buddy. You ready to do some swimming?

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: This is called the crawl stroke. AKAfreestyle. Get to know it. This is gonna be your bestfriend. All right, there you.[They move their strappedin arms as if swimming freestyle together]Um, yes.Good job. He likes you.

Terry James: Who likes me?

Doug Frangelo: The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Rightthere. Good swing.

Terry James: Don’t we need to get into the pool?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. Before I take a ship out to seaI like to dry-dock it for a little bit and check outthe hull. Ok, let’s shift to butterfly, ok? The motionof the butterfly in like shutting your car trunk. So,let’s go! Shut that car trunk.[They make the motion ofthe butterfly together] Wham! Yeah! Shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly] Yeah, you’re doinggreat. Hey, did a little butterfly just fly into theroom and attached himself to me? Seriously, you’redoing great! If the swimming thing doesn’t pan out Ithink you can make a fortune as a car trunk shutter!Yeah, now before we move on to the next stroke….giveme a second I just gotta adjust my penis.

Terry James:[Terry wiggles around]Wait, wait, wait.

Doug Frangelo: Listen, buddy.[on his ear] Thanks for the assist.

Terry James: I just…I don’t know if this is workingout, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.

Doug Frangelo: Terry, you’ll get plenty of pool timeafter you mastered the land fundamentals.

Terry James: And when will that be?

Doug Frangelo: Like 2 or 3 years tops.

Terry James: Ok, that’s it. I quit!

Doug Frangelo: Nobody is quitting on my watch!

Terry James: Let me go!

[Grunting and panting, they struggle, Doug from behindtries to overpower Terry]

Doug Frangelo: Come here you! Hold on! If you fight isgoing to get tighter, it’s like a Gordian knot![Terryis losing strenght]There you go. Is the fight out ofyou yet?!![Terry is spread eagle while standing upagainst Doug body]You know who you remind me of right now?

Terry James: Who?

Doug Frangelo: Amanda Beard. She thought land trainingwas stupid too until it landed her a gold medal.

Terry James: You trained Amanda Beard?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. You ready to do this?

Terry James: Let’s DO IT!!!

Announcer: Thus beganthe first leg of the greatest story in swimminghistory.[Doug and Terry do bunny rabbit jumps togetheracross the screen]Exactly one year later, Terryfinally hit the pool where he sank immediately andlapsed into a coma. But 40 years after that[Doug andTerry backwards swimming across the screen]Terry cameout of that coma resumed his training and took thegold medal at the 2048 Coma Survivors Olympicsin—you guessed it-Tel Aviv.[Doug and Terry one legand one arm up and down across the screen]By the way,in the future, the gold and bronze medals swappedplaces and the gold signified a third placefinish.[Doug and Terry do the robot across thescreen]But Terry never said first place, he said gold!Were you paying attention?

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

An SNL Digital Short

Harpoon Man…..John C. Reilly
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on Harpoon Man stalking through Central Park ]

Announcer: [ spoken ]
“He was a whaler in Alaska
‘Til bad guys killed his family.
Now, he’s in the big city looking for vengeance
And they call him:”

[ Harpoon Man poses in front of title ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ cut to Harpoon Man stalking through the city, as the occasional split-screen reveals a close-up on the Announcer’s lips ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man. The only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon, and knows how to use it.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: Yeaaaaahh.. looking good, Harpoon Man!

[ show Harpoon Man doing his fight moves ]

Announcer: [ singing Shaft-style ]”He’s a cool customer, with moves that’ll make your head spin!
But don’t you cross him, he got his name for a rea-son!”

[ Harpoon Man throws his harpoon through a street punk’s chest ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: [ singing ] “And the ladies – whoo, the ladies, they know all about him!”

[ ladies crowd around Harpoon Man ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “And don’t you judge is pre-ma-tuuuuure ejaculation!”

[ the ladies slink away ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] Don’t worry, Harpoon Man. It happens to lots of guys.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: And you don’t mind, ’cause you get aaaallll the ladies.

[ Harpoon Man grins, pleased ]

[ show Harpoon Man using his harpoon to jump over a sleeping bum ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “He gets the ladies, even though they know that he is gay!He’s super-handsome, and everyone has boned his wife!”

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ show Harpoon Man’s wife eating lunch by a pond ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] I know from experience, because I’ve boned her – in Harpoon Man’s bed!

[ Harpoon Man enters scene and throws his harpoon through his wife’s chest ]

[ cut to Harpoon Man jumping in front of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And what’s up with your face? Ugghhhh!

[ Harpoon Man tumbles across the inside lobby floor ]

Announcer: You look like a six-foot leprechaun, with no wiener!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the interior halls of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: Oh, what? Are you getting mad, Harpoon Man?

[ Harpoon Man peeks inside open doorways ]

Announcer: You’re never gonna find me!

[ Harpoon stalks through a door frame, tripping on the carpet ]

Announcer: Whoop! You tripped! Watch your step, moron! [ laughs maniacally ]

[ Harpoon Man presses elevator button ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s a bigot!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the halls of Studio 8-H ]

Announcer: I mean, seriously – he’s so gay, I heard he breastfed on his daddy’s nipples!

[ Harpoon Man spots the announcer, dressed as a whale, in the announcer’s booth ]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Thank you! Thank you!

[ the Announcer looks up and notices Harpoon Man is now in the booth with him ]

Harpoon Man: Gotcha!

Announcer: [ casually ] Heeeeeyyyyy, man!

[ Harpoon Man jabs hias harpoon into the announcer’s chest, and twists ]

[ with a sing-song ] Breakfaaaaaaaasssssttttt!!

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Mexican Restaurant

Jennifer….John C. Reilly
Robert….Fred Armisen
Shelley….Kristen Wiig
Girl 1….Maya Rudolph
Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a Mexican cantina style restaurant. Threegirlfriends are enjoying their meals. Chips and salsa,margaritas etc.]

Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was thatparty last night?

Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can Ijust say you guys, how hung over you guys were!

Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.

Girl 2: I know.

Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up thismorning in just my turtleneck.

[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotionalblondie Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. Howcrazy are you?!

Shelley: I know.

[Girl 1 eats chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously liveon chips and salsa.

Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.

[Jennifer laughs then ugly cries holding up a chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?

Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I’m good. You guys, listento this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 butterynipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totallycalled Robert!!

Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!

Jennifer: I’m okay.[cries]and then I had a glass ofPort and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in mytrunk and I drank that and that’s kind of funny,right? [giggles and then cries]And then I calledRobert again!!!

Girls: No!!

Jennifer: YES!!!

Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?

Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo!

[waiter arrives]

Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?

Jennifer: Me.

Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] Andwho ordered the beef tacos?

Jennifer: That’s me too. Bean burrito and bean taco.Oh my God, you guys, I don’t know what I’m gonnado.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughsand then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]Youguys, I’m just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!

Girls: No, no! Don’t go.

Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever.Listen,[bites into burrito]he’s a turd. And he leadsme to believe that we really got it going on and thenI realize I’m just one of his many stops along bootyhighway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats somemore and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in myPT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fastas I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco,cries]Where is that freakin’…[looks over hershoulder]

Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?

Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?

Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.

Jennifer: Can I have you’re chicken enchiladas,please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!!

[Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]

Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped inguacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats,mouth full]

[Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed,uncomfortable faces]

Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] PinotGrigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!,guys. [mouth full of food]I’m sorry, I’m a mess!Listen, I’ll be right back. Can somebody be a a heroand order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Getsup and leaves]

Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such awreck?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6months, you guys and its always the same thing.

Shelley: You guys, I’m beginning to think Robertdoesn’t even exist.

Girl 1: This is really mean but….should we justleave?

Girl 2: Yeah.

[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back andsits back down]

Jennifer: Oh, they’re all probably outside having asmoke. [eats chip and cries]

[Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member ofthe 60’s group The Monkees appears. Moe’s haircut,60’s attire, glasses]

Jennifer: Robert?!

[nasal voice]

Robert: Jennifeeer!

Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?

Robert: Of course I did.

Jennifer: You’re not cross with me, are you?[bitestaco]

Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I livefor your messages.

Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I’m sucha mess.[hugs Robert]

Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately,tongue and all]

[The 3 girls look down at Jennifer’s happy ending andsmile from the baranda of a little balcony on thecantina restaurant]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Special Report with Brit Hume

Written by: Jim Downey

Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ open on Fox News graphics ]

[ SUPER: “Fox News. Fair and Balanced.” ]

[ SUPER: “Special Report with Brit Hume” ]

[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]

Brit Hume: Welcome back. Poli — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Welcome back. Political observers are calling the upterm — midterm elections a referendum on the war in Iraq. Are we making progress, or, as we assimilate, stuck? Is it time to stay the course, or cut and run? Those decisions, of course, ultimately fall on the shoulders of one man – our Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush. Here now is Part One of my very special interview.

[ graphic: “Special Report: Interview with President Bush” ]

Brit Hume: Thank you, uh, for taking the time, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Anytime, Brit, anytime.

Brit Hume: Mr. President, polls show that the majority of Americans think that the most important issue facing our country right now is the war in Iraq. But the news coming out of that part of the world.. is not all rosy.

President George W. Bush: [ shaking his head in complete agreement ] No, it’s not. Nope.

Brit Hume: Terror attacks have intensified to near-record levels. This month, the U.S. has already totaled fifty-three casualties.. making October the deadliest month in nearly two years.

President George W. Bush: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Brit Hume: According to one recent study, the number of Iraqi civilian casualties may run as high as 600,000. Some also claim that the United States has been unable to provide the Iraqi civilians with any lasting security.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s right. Uh-huh.

Brit Hume: For example, when Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice visited Baghdad last week, she was forced to circle the airport for over forty minutes, due to mortar fire —

President George W. Bush: Right. [ nods his head ]

Brit Hume: — then be helicoptered into the city because the highway’s impassable! Then she had to meet with President Talibani in the dark because the electricity had been cut off! [ trying to stifle his laughter ]

President George W. Bush: Well, she’s a trooper.

Brit Hume: As part of your program of general de-Baathification, the Iraqi army was immediately dissolved, flooding the streets wih local militias made up of former Iraqi Army officers, a policy that Newt Gingrich, a Republican, has called “the largest single disaster in American foreign policy in modern times.”

President George W. Bush: That’s what he said.

Brit Hume: Moreover, the recent National Intelligence Estimate suggests that the unrest in Iraq may be creating more terrorists rather than reducing the numbers —

President George W. Bush: I’ve heard that. Yeah.

Brit Hume: You’ve thrown out portions of the Geneva Convention —

President George W. Bush: Yep.

Brit Hume: — your approval ratings are hovering in the low 30’s —

President George W. Bush: Right.

Brit Hume: As the lion’s share of our troops are committed elsewhere, we have no credible military response to North Korea, a country that, unlike Iraq, actually has weapons of mass destruction!

President George W. Bush: They sure do. Sure. Yeah.

Brit Hume: Now there’s news that, in an overwhelming display of force, a Shiite militia led by rebel cleric Muqtada al-Sadr briefly took the city of Amarah in an area once considered safe. So, Mr. President, considering all these factors, my question to you is: “Can we win this war.. in Iraq?”

President George W. Bush: [ after a brief moment of consideration ] Absolutely, Brit.

Brit Hume: That’s good enough for me. [ abruptly drops his clipboard on the endtable, stands and makes his exit ]

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Brit, thank you. [ turns to face the camera ] And – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance performs “Cancer”

…..John C. Reilly
…..My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly: Once again, My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance: (singing)
“Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
and bury me
in all my favorite colors,
my sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
cause the hardest part of this,
is leaving you.

Now turn away,
cause I’m awful just to see
cause all my hair’s abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
know that I will never marry,
Baby, I’m just soggy from the chemo
but counting down the days to go.

It just ain’t living
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I’d ask you to be true (cause I’d ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you…

Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you…”

Submitted by: Dick Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance performs “Welcome to the Black Parade”

…..John C. Reilly
…..My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly: Ladies, and gentleman, My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance: (singing)
“When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.

He said, “Son when you grow up,
would you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”
He said “Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non believers,
the plans that they have made?”
Because one day I’ll leave you,
A phantom to lead you in the summer,
To join the black parade.”

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, “Son when you grow up,
would you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”

Sometimes I get the feeling she’s watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.
And when you’re gone we want you all to know.

We’ll carry on,
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it
The anthem won’t explain it.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back
Let’s shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Disappointed faces of your peers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won’t explain or say I’m sorry
I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it’s who we are
I’m just a man, I’m not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
Just a man, I’m not a hero
I! don’t! care!

We’ll carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)

Do or die, you’ll never make me (We’ll carry on)
Because the world will never take my heart (We’ll carry on)
Go and try, you’ll never break me (We’ll carry)
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)”

Submitted by: Dick Noel

SNL Transcripts