[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildings at night ]
Nancy Grace: Tonight: former Republican representative Mark Foley is now udner an investigation by the FBI, for salacious e-mails he reportedly sent to male congressional pages. This, and more, tonight on “Nancy Grace.”
[ Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at the camera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face ]
[ Caption: “Nancy Grace” ]
Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace. And, yes, I intended for my hair to be this shape. [ looks to the back of her chair ] I-I think my chair was moved. With me tonight: Eddie Hunter, a former congressional page. He’s going to help us sort out the nightmare that is the congressional page program. Welcome, Eddie.
[ show Eddie Hunter. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Ex-Rep Foley Fallout. Eddie Hunter Former Congressional Page. Nancy Grace.” ]
Eddie Hunter: Thanks, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Eddie, how does it feel to be victimized like this?
Eddie Hunter: Uh — well, Nancy, the congressman I worked for was never inappropriate with me. I’m here tonight because I think the page program is an amazing educational experience for young people.
Nancy Grace: [ doubtful ] Never inappropriate? Let me read you a line from an e-mail you once received from your congressman:
[ show copy of the e-mail, dated Wednesday, August 31, 2005 ]
Nancy Grace: [ reading ] “Have you distributed copies of Resolution 620?”
[ show Nancy again ]
Nancy Grace: I don’t even want to guess what a 620 might mean.
Eddie Hunter: Well, actually, Resolution 620 was a House Appropriations Bill addressing highway maintenance.
Nancy Grace: Hmmmm.. so you’re saying, in a 620, the 6 isn’t Mark Foley, and you’re not the 0, and the 2 in the middle isn’t some kind of bed or swing or something like that?
Eddie Hunter: No!
Nancy Grace: Eddie, do you still live in fear that one or more members of Congress is coming to get you?
Eddie Hunter: No.
Nancy Grace: You don’t worry that a congressman might dress up like a shrub, squat outside your window, take one of the branches off the shrub costume, sharpen it to a point, cut through your window screen and come and GET YOU? And then, if you call the police, they might just be MORE congressman dressed up like police, who are working in cahoots with the one dressed up like a shru-u-u-ubb?
Eddie Hunter: I-I think it’s a mistake to assume all congressmen act like Mark Foley.
Nancy Grace: Well, oftentimes, victims like yourself will bury the pain.
Eddie Hunter: I’m not a victim, I’m not in pain.
Nancy Grace: Give it time, brave soldier. Resolution 620 – it is gro-tesque! Okay? [ looks down at her chair again ] There is no doubt in my mind that this chair has been moved! [ a beat ] Here at the show, we’ve done extensive research in which we’ve noticed that ALL these online predator cases had one thing in common: computers.
[ Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Joining us from Microdoft is Customer Service Represenative Bethany Blake.
[ show Bethany Blake. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Bathany Blake Microsoft Customer Service. Nancy Grace.” ]
Bethany Blake: Thank you for calling customer Support. My name is Bethany.
Nancy Grace: Bethany, how do you sleep at night, working for a company that provides the tools to the pedophilia industry?
Bethany Blake: [ confused ] I’m sorry, Ma’am. Do you have a technical issue?
Nancy Grace: I’ll tell you what I have an issue with, Bethany — your company created Windows.. and now perverts are looking through those windows at young boys. I think it’s high time for the comupter industry to start providing DRAPES! What do you think, Bethany?
Bethany Blake: [ bewildered ] I-I’m sorry.. I can help you if your screen is frozen.
Nancy Grace: Can you help me — can you help me if justice is frozen? [ Bethany shakes her head, confused ] Thanks, friend. Now, let’s get to the important issue. For those of you who have been watching the past few weeks, you know that I have been tireless in tracking down who keeps moving my chair! Joining me now, is our night janitor, Darren.
[ show Darren mopping the floor, as two technicians sit him down in a chair and attach a microphone to his lapel. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Who Moved My Chair? Darren Night Janitor. Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Darren? Darren.. could you explain to me — Darren, could you explain to me what your job entails at night?
Darren: [ surprised by the sudden interruption ] I-I clean the studio.
Nancy Grace: In your cleaning, did you ever, at any point, move this chair?
Darren: I don’t know, Nancy Grace.
Nancy Grace: But you don’t remember not moving it?
Darren: I don’t recollect moving it.
Nancy Grace: [ determined ] But you don’t recollect not moving it?
Darren: [ trembling ] I don’t know, Nancy Grace!
Nancy Grace: Darren, do you have a computer?
Darren: Yes, I do.
Nancy Grace: [ nods her head ] I thought so. It’s all coming together, isn’t it? When we come back, I’ll explain why my itnerview with Terrell Owens had nothing to do with his attempted suicide. We’ll be right back.
[ Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing her arms, defiant look plays again ]
Jaime Pressley: Thanks again to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you to all the cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Lorne Michaels – I had the time of my life! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 7th, 2006 Jaime Pressley Corinne Bailey Rae None None An Address From Dennis HastertSummary: House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Mark Foley scandal. Transcript
MontageNote: The “Saturday Night Live” logo switches from horizontal to vertical, along with a change in the presentation of the musical guest and host photos.
Jaime Pressley’s MonologueSummary: Jaime Pressley attempts to deter the use of cliched Southern hick jokes so she can perform the Peggy Lee song “Fever.” Recurring Characters: Colonel Sanders. Bio: Jaime Pressley (1977-). Actress; twice posed for Playboy magazine; plays Jason Lee’s white trash ex-wife on NBC’s “My Name is Earl”; stars in the upcoming film, “DOA: Dead or Alive.” Transcript
Headline Prime with Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) interrogates a former male page (Andy Samberg) who worked under Congressman Mark Foley, a Microsoft operator (Jaime Pressley), and the nighttime janitor (Kenan Thompson) who might have moved her chair. Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace. Transcript
New York City StoriesSummary: Martin Scorcese (Fred Armisen) recalls famous street locations where he filmed his movies, while Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently. Recurring Characters: Martin Scorcese. Transcript
Jon BoviSummary: Record executive Jackie Downs (Jaime Pressley) endures a meeting with would-be rockers Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte), whose hits are little than reverse versions of 80’s hair metal fodder. Transcript
WVIR NewsSummary: Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig), a newly-divorced reporter, struggles through a live interview with, and a confused attraction to, Crystal Duggler (Jaime Pressley), the winner of the Hands on a Hard Body contest. Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison. Transcript
New York City Stories IISummary: Lou Reed (Fred Armisen) and Patti Smith (Amy Poehler) recall the rock music at CBGB’s and odd places where they paid rent. Transcript
St. Ambrose AcademySummary: High school principal (Bill Hader) chides student Nicole (Jaime Pressley) for acting keeping her cell phone on during class, until Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson), her black stepmom, arrives to offer support and understanding. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.
Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Put Your Records On”Bio: Corinne Bailey Rae (1979-). Musician; born in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England; formed the all-female indie rock band Helen while a teenager; developed a proclivity for soul music while working in a jazz club during college. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) comments on Congressman Mark Foley’s post-scandal admission of alcoholism. Producer Charo (Maya Rudolph) and the young star (Fred Armisen) of NBC’s rip-off series “Fugly Betsy” comments on the show’s premise. Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole, Charo. Transcript
NASCARettesSummary: Head NASCAR cheerleader (Jaime Pressley) leads her new recruits into performing their moves on the track during the race, but not all of them succeed in running out of the way as the cars perform their laps.
New York City Stories IIISummary: Fran Leibowitz (Fred Armisen) and Yoko Ono (Amy Poehler) wax poetic about the city. Recurring Characters: Yoko Ono.
Big WigsSummary: Business executives (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) are fearful that the corporate Big Wigs (Jaime Pressley, Amy Poehler) will step too close to the ceiling fan.
KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Jaime Pressley) is interested in Danny (Bill Hader) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest. Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
Cider ChatSummary: Next-door neighbors (Jaime Pressley, Kristen Wiig) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking cider on their back porch. Transcript
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1982Summary: In 1982, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Note: The jogger is so out-of-breath that it’s making him delusional – Mikhael Gorbachev wouldn’t have had any friction with Ronald Reagan in 1982, as he wasn’t elected General Secretary of the Communist Party until 1985. Yuri Andropov is the more likely antagonist. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.
The Jerry Springer ShowSummary: Jerry Springer (Darrell Hammond) welcomes a multiple repeat guest (Jaimie Pressley) with a sever grudge to the show.
Captain MorganSummary: Recovering alcoholic Captain Morgan (Bill Hader) serves spirits to party guests.
Campaign AdSummary: A politician (Bill Hader) masquerades as his opponent.
Dane…..Dane Cook Will…..Will Forte Regional Vice-President…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on interior, studio apartment, as Will and Dane sit on a futon chugging from gallon jugs of Poland Spring water. Empty gallon jugs are scattered throughout the apartment. ]
[ suddenly, a sharp knock at the door ]
Dane: Who is it?
Voice: It’s Leila Peterson, Regional Vice-President of Poland Spring Water Distribution. Can I come in?
[ the boys gulp in mid-chug, suddenly deathly afraid of the consequences of their indulgences. They look at each other with intense horror. ]
Will: Uhhhhhhhhhhh – one minute, please!
Dane: [ with lightning speed ] What do we do?! What do we do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!
Will: [ stammers ]
Voice: Is something wrong in there?
Dane: Uhhhhhh! N-n-no! No! I’m just — [ glances around the room ] I’m just — boning some lady.. right now!
Will: [ pleased ] Good cover! Good cover!
[ they quickly fumble about the room trying to hide their scattered gallon jugs – inside the fridge, behind a bookcase, inside kitchen cabinets, etc. ]
Will: Just a second! We’re almost there!
Dane: [ begins moaning as if having intense sex ] Ohhhhh, lady!
Will: We’re just about there!
[ they open the futon into the bed position, and cover one of the jugs with the blanket and shape it to look like a tiny person underneath ]
Dane: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Boning a lady!
[ finished, they maintain their dignity and casually open the door to reveal Poland Spring Water’s regional vice-president ]
Regional Vice-President: This a bad time?
Dane: Uh? No. No, no. I’m just – [ motions his fist ] finishing up my bonin’! [ chuckles ]
Regional Vice-President: [ eyes Will suspiciously ]
Will: [ nervous ] I – like to watch. [ shuts the doors, then steps closer to ?? ]
Regional Vice-President: Right. Look, uh – we have received a number of complaint calls from customers on yourroutw who have not received their water. Do you guys have any idea why that might be?
Will: No?
Dane: No!
[ the sound of jugs tumbling offscreen sounds momentarily ]
Regional Vice-President: Do you mind if I take a look around?
[ the boys are speechless for a moment, with mouths agape, until finally speaking up ]
Will: ..No?
Dane: Nah!
[ the regional vice-president takes a couple of steps forward in the studio apartment, her eyes sizing up the perimeter before falling upon the lump on the futon ]
Dane: [ follows her gaze and nervously points to the lump ] That – was the – woman that I was – boning!
Regional Vice-President: Really.
Will: [ nervously ] I’m a witness. [ pause ] I was watching him — [ motions his fist ] do that — [ the regional vice-president barely blinks at his foolishness ] To her —
Regional Vice-President: Yeah. I got it.
Will: [ still pointing at the lump ] Woman.
Dane: [ looks at the lump ] Don’t — [ shrugs his shoulders at the regional vice-president, then leans toward the lump ] worry, baby. Some lady’s just looking around. [ pats the lump ] So – just you sleep! [ straightens out the creases over the lump, clearly identifying the shape of a 5-gallon water jug ][ rubs her hand on her forehead ] I don’t even think I need to ask this, but have you guys made all of your deliveries recently?
Dane: [ defensive ] You don’t have to ask!! [ a beat ] Because we have made all our deliveries! And! That is reflected in.. our delivery report!
Regional Vice-President: [ smiles ] Great! I’d like to take a look at those delivery reports.
[ the two guys stand motionless, stunned by her request. They nervously glance at one another, wince and shrug. ]
Will: O-kayyyy.
[ Will slowly and unassuredly walks toward the closet. He opens the door, as a wall of 5-gallon water jugs tumble toward the floor with a clatter. Many more jugs continue to fall from the ceiling inside the closet, as a panic-stricken WF stares at his bemused regional vice-president. A couple of times, it appears that the last of the jugs have fallen to the floor, only for the cycle to pick up further. After about a minute-and-a-half of this clatter, the charade appears to be over. ]
Will: [ nervously ] Do you have a search warrant?
[ not at all impressed, the regional vice-president reaches over and pulls the bedsheet, revealing the lone 5-gallon water jug resting on the futon ]
[ Dane lets out a shriek of absolute shock ]
Dane: We are just as surprised as you are! [ points at the jug ] You lied to me!! You’re not a woman!! You’re a.. watr bottle!! [ grabs for the jug and shakes it ] I will never bone you again!!
Will: I will never watch you get boned!!
Regional Vice-President: Needless to say, you both are fired. [ she turns and leaves ]
Will: [ incredulous ] What?!
Dane: No!
[ the two guys are stunned by what just happened, and try to console one another ]
Will: There, there. She’s gone. Look – even though we lost our jobs, there is one positive thing that’s come out of this.
Dane: What’s that?
Will: Well – I have this friend who works for “Saturday Night Live”, and he loves it when I call him with different ideas that happen to me in my everyday life.
Dane: [ cheering up ] Do you mean that this —
Will: That’s right! I have a feeling he’s gonna flip over this one! He’ll probably submit it word-for-word exactly as it just happened to us!
Dane: [ excited ] Can he use F-bombs on TV?
Will: Nooo. But they can use, like, “nail” or “bone” – he’ll probably go with “bone.”
Dane: [ shakes his head ] That’s not funny at all!
Will: I think bone’s pretty funny.
Dane: Bone! Bone! Boning! Boned! [smiles ] That is pretty funny! I really hope that they use it!
Will: Well, don’t worry – if they don’t, I also have a friend over at “Studio 60.”
Dane: Yeah! I know somebody over at “30 Rock.”
Will: See? We’re all set, then.
Dane: Wait a second! If they’re gonna use this word-for-word, shouldn’t we start saying stuff that’s more interesting?
Will: Oh, don’t worry, they’re only gonna use the funny part – and that ended a looooong time ago.
[ zoom out on the set, to reveal that 5-gallon water jugs are still tumbling out of the closet ]
… Amy Poehler … Seth Meyers … Brian Williams Bill Clinton … Darrell Hammond Condoleeza Rice … Maya Rudolph George Allen … Jason Sudeikis Dustin Diamond … Andy Samberg
[Amy’s at the Update desk alone, when Brian Williams walks in]
Brian Williams: Hey, Amy!
Amy Poehler: Uh, oh! Hey, Brian!
[applause, while Amy looks nervous]
Amy Poehler: Brian, what are you doing here?
Brian Williams: Oh, I am so excited to be anchoring Update with you! It’s been a long wait!
Amy Poehler: Oh, gosh. Uh, did you get my messages?
Brian Williams: You know what? I’ve been busy busy. I’ve been writing a ton of material, and, uh, what did you need?
Amy Poehler: Oh, Brian, we decided to go in another direction.
[Brian looks disappointed, yet he tries to retain positive]
Brian Williams: Oh, uh, oh! Uh… okay!
Amy Poehler: Okay?
[they both look up at Seth walking in]
Seth Meyers: Hey, Brian!
Brian Williams: Hey… Seth! How are ya?
Seth Meyers: Good! Good!
Brian Williams: Good to see ya!
Seth Meyers: Well, uh, sorry it didn’t work out.
Brian Williams: No. Congratulations! It’s, uh, the right guy got the job! This is, uh, this is great!
Seth Meyers: Thank you so much for saying that! It means so much to me!
Brian Williams: Uh, look at you! I mean, it doesn’t look like you have one of these earpieces that anchors wear.
Seth Meyers: Well, I’ll get one. That’s great advice! Thanks! Hey, uh, congratulations on getting the number 1 news anchor!
Brian Williams: Don’t, uh, patronize me, Seth.
Amy Poehler: Hey, Brian. Feel free to stick around for the rest of the show!
Brian Williams: Um, Am’, I’m gonna head home. I have a wife and two kids and someone has to tell them that Daddy’s not going to be on TV tonight.
[Brian walks off as Seth sits down next to Amy. Seth and Amy both look relieved]
[Weekend Update then cuts into a two-minute commercial]
[montage starts]
Announcer: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers!
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories:
Afghanistan’s Hamid Karzai, and Pakistan’s Pervez Musharraf refused to shake hands with each other at Wednesday’s White House Dinner with President Bush. The evening was made even more awkward when Osama Bin Laden showed up unannounced, and with a date! You have no class, Bin Laden!
Federal investigators have found that a 75 million dollar project to build the largest police academy in Iraq has been so badly mismanaged that it is a health risk to recruits. It’s all in the new hilarious new movie, “Police Academy 8: Doing “Asbestos” We Can!”
Seth Meyers: President Bush on Tuesday dismissed his finger pointing, criticizing Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough going after Osama Bin Laden, adding, “We’ll let history judge.” Oh, it has! It’s in this book! You commissioned it! [super reveals the 9/11 Commission Report]
“State of Denial”, a new book by Bob Woodward portrayed defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, as an “arrogant, and indecisive bumbler, who will not take responsibility to his mistakes, or won’t even admit any” — although, to his credit, it did say that right on Rumsfeld’s resume. [Super of resume reads “-Arrogant -Indecisive Bumbler -Won’t Admit Mistakes -Proficient with Quicken and Excel -Won’t Take Responsibility”]
Amy Poehler: Proficient with Quicken…
This last week on Fox News Sunday, President Bill Clinton lashed out on the Bush administration’s anti-terrorism policy, during a confrontational exchange with reporter Chris Wallace. Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, since then defended the Bush administration, strongly disputing Clinton’s claims. Here to discuss the situation are President Bill Clinton and Secretary Condoleeza Rice.
[Condoleeza Rice and Bill Clinton wheel in]
Bill Clinton: Uh, thank you, Amy. Last Sunday on FOX News, I lost my cool. I want to apologize, and I do not like to loose my cool, and I had a full… blown… hissy… fit.
Condoleeza Rice: Mr. President, uh, during your presidency, you failed numerous times to take out Osama Bin Ladan, and in disputing that, I believed you made your statements not out of reason, but out of passion.
Bill Clinton: I’ll admit that I’m passionate, Condi. But, will you admit that you’re not passionate enough? Why do you hold it in, Condi? I saw you with Katie Couric on 60 Minutes, playing that piano! Climbing on the StairMaster. Ohhhh! You were rocking on those stairs! There’s a tiger in there, Condi! And you need to let it out.
Condoleeza Rice: I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about my personal life.
Bill Clinton: You know, when Chris Wallace smirked at me, I wanted to knock it off his face. But I would kill to see a smirk out of you.
Condoleeza Rice: I don’t smirk!
Bill Clinton: Just give me a little one.
Condoleeza Rice: No!
Bill Clinton: Come on!
[Condoleeza gives a creepy smirk to the camera]
Bill Clinton: You see? There’s nothing wrong with that! Look I saw Katie Couric asking you if there was a man in your life, and I saw you dodging all those personal questions! I had been there! But you need to find someone! And I know that’s hard in our business.
Condoleeza Rice: You know, there was a time when there was someone.
Bill Clinton: I know. I still got the Condi tatoo on my shoulder to prove it. I remember that morning, watching you sleep in the pre-dawn light, knowing that we had to put an end to it. And I tried to be quiet, as I put my pants on. I blew you… I blew you a kiss. And I walked out the door, but not before I left my comprehensive counter-terrorism book on the nightstand.
Condoleeza Rice: No sir, Bill Clinton. The only thing you left me with that morning was a whole lot of heart ache.
Bill Clinton: Eh, you’re probably right. Back then, I was leaving comprehensive counter-terrorism strategies on most of the nightstands in town!
[As Condoleeza looks frustrated, Bill Clinton gives a thumbs up to the crowd]
Amy Poehler: Condoleeza Rice and Bill Clinton, everyone!
Seth Meyers: 7-Eleven Inc. announced on Wednesday that it was dropping Venezuela-Citgo as its gasoline supplier, in the wake of Hugo Chavez’s anti-Bush speech at the UN. 7-Eleven will, however, continue to sell burritos made in a Chinese dungeon.
A South Florida teenager used his father’s credit card to run away from home and back to Cuba. For more on this story, watch “Scarface” in reverse.
Amy Poehler: Oprah Winfrey says her lawyers overreacted when they sent a cease-and-desist letter to a man who, for years, has been urging Winfrey to run for office. In retrospective, she should have just told Stedman to cool it, herself.
President Bush, on Tuesday, reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the War on Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world, though suspiciously, in many portions of the report, some one had crossed out Iraq, and written in “gay dudes”.
Seth Meyers: After publicly referring to a man of an Indian decent as macocha last month, Virginia senator, George Allen, continues to be dogged by allegations of racism in his past. Here to defend himself is Senator George Allen.
[George Allen scrolls over, using his fingers as guns, and pretends to be shooting them]
George Allen: How y’all doing?! Boy, it is good to be back here on Weekend Update, to clear those allegations of racism! First of all, let me put this whole machocha thing to rest! I like to make up silly words! I just do! Machocha is just a word I made up, that’s means crazy! And for those people out there that are focusing on this, well you’re just acting machocha! What I want to focus on is that I’m just a good old Virginia boy, with Virginia values, that I learned growing up in an affluent part of Southern California!
Now, as far as using the “N” word, I have never used that word! You hear me? Never! But, if I did, I could explain. I play football at the University of Virginia. Some of the black boys use that word in the locker room all the time. Is it so wrong that white players started using it? To talk about the black players? After they had left the locker room? It’s an interesting bojambo! Which is a silly word I made up that means ‘question’! This has been a trying time for me as I have also just found out that my mother’s Jewish! When I was first told this, my initial response was “That’s Machocha!” But then I realized that it’s okay if she’s Jewish, because I definitely am not! I made my pork sandwhich by putting it between to more pieces of pork… if you know what I mean. Not a metaphor, that’s really how I do it. I’m just a good old boy with a cowboy hat and a dip in my mouth that grew up a stone’s throw away from Disney Land!
There’s also been a story surfacing that when I was in college, I put a stuffed deer’s head in a black family’s mail box! Look, what college kid doesn’t drink a few brewskies, then go hunting, kill a deer, saw off his head, then drive into a black neighborhood and shove it in a mail box? Yeah… so that’s a bojambo for me, huh? We were kids! We were acting machocha! And for that I am chackie chonkie, which is a silly word that I just made up that means ‘sorry’! So, there you have it! I’m chackie chonkie, everybody! Ya happy? Boodaloon, Seth! Boodaloon, Amy!
Seth Meyers: Does that mean ‘goodbye’?
George Allen: I’ll never tell!
Seth Meyers: George Allen, everybody!
Amy Poehler: Paleontologists released, last week, the discovery, in Ethiopia, of a well-preserved 3.3 million year old fossil of a three-year old child, which officially ends the longest time-out in recorded history!
Seth Meyers: The Game Show Network is launching a new game called the “National Vocabulary Championship”, which will have contestants measuring word usage and comprehension for forty-thousand dollars. Well, for vocabulary lovers, this is going to be… hold on there’s a perfect word for this… um, oh yeah, I got it, this is gonna be “big”.
In wake of the Senator George Allen controversy, Virginia democratic senate challenger, Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he had ever used the “N” word. Things did not help when he asked “Does it count if it was in Scrabble?”
Amy Poehler: Rapper, Chingo Bling, is among the hip-hop stars attending Saturday’s Hip-Hop Summit, in Los Angeles, aiming to educate young people on financial literacy. Again, that’s Chingo Bling on Financial Literacy.
Seth Meyers: It was reported this week that Dustin Diamond, who played screech on Saved By The Bell, is releasing a sex tape, in an effort to raise money to save his house from foreclosure. Here to discuss it is Screech, himself, Dustin Diamond.
Seth Meyers: So, Dustin, I understand you are trying to distribute this tape yourself.
Dustin Diamond: That is correct, Sethly! I’d hope someone else would leak it, but strangely, no one did! I would call Paris Hilton and ask her how she her’s, but I don’t think I have her phone number, or a phone.
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m no expert on sex videos, but I’m sure the fact that you’re dressing like that, doesn’t help.
Dustin Diamond: Don’t worry! I’m not dressed at all in the video! I expose my diamond in the rough!
Seth Meyers: I honestly don’t know if that’s better or worse. But it does say here that you perform a sex act video known as the ‘Dirty Sanchez’?
Dustin Diamond: As a matter of fact, I do! I do it all Seth! The Bay-side slammer! The sloppy Kapouski! The Mark Paul Gargeller! And speaking of which, my new tape, just might feature a surprise visit from one of my old classmates!
Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen?
Dustin Diamond: Nope!
Seth Meyers: Oh… Elizabeth Berkley?
Dustin Diamond: Nope!
Seth Meyers: Mario Lopez?
Dustin Diamond: Warmer!
Seth Meyers: Oh no… please don’t tell me it’s Mr. Belding.
Dustin Diamond: Well, not exactly Mr. Belding, but a guy who looks a lot like him, only slightly less attractive, and way more addicted to heroin!
Seth Meyers: All right! Just get out of here! Dustin Diamond, everyone!
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Screech.
Former infomercial physic, Miss Cleo, revealed in the latest issue of The Advocate, that she is a lesbian. Experts believe that this announcement could be bad for business. Who wants physic who didn’t even know she was gay until she was 50?
Environmentalists warned on Wednesday that tigers will become extinct in the wild within a few years, if governments do not do something to protect these animals now! Well, okay, but on what do you recommend I make love? [super reveals Amy lying on a tiger mat]
Seth Meyers: A man in Florida, claiming to have a gun, robbed a man of the new Tickle Me Extreme Elmo! Fortunately, the man was subdued by the new Give Me A Reason Bert! [super reveals a picture with the Muppet, Bert holding a knife]
Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
[ open on a pair of Department of Homeland Security members addressing a crowd of five recruits ]
Dane: Welcome, everybody, welcome. Uh – my partner and I here, we are from the Department of Homeland Security. And we want to start by saying that, uh, those of you gathered here today are America’s last line.. in the defense against terrorism.
Chris: [ yelling, husky-voiced ] The decisions you make affect the lives of milions every day!!
[ cut to the five recruits sitting in the classroom, looking stone-faced at the outburst ]
Dane: You are vigilant, precise.. and qualified.
Chris: Every one of you has at least a high school equivalency degree! And not one of you has ever been convicted of a felony! You are the cream of the crop!! You are elite!! you are America’s airport security!YOU!! Are the TSA! Give yourselves a hand. Give yourselves a hand! [ begins clapping maniacally for the recruits ]
[ the recruits nervously applaud themselves, one recruit at the back clapping more enthusiastically than the others ]
Dane: So, this week, there’s a loosening of, uh, recent airline restrictions concerning liquids.. and gels. and we would like to run through how that will affect policy.
Chris: Alright? Well, let’s just start with a quick security refresher! Let’s name sme liquids and some gels!
Dane: So, just, uh, yell out some liquids.
[ the recruits sit stone-faced, none of them have a response prepared ]
Chris: You want to name some liquids, and/or some gels!
Dane: Liquids and gels.
[ again, no response from the stone-faced recruits ]
Dane: Anything you’ve got!
Kenan: Water.
Dane: [ pleased ] Water! That is a liquid! Good!
Maya: Toothpaste!!
Chris: Bingo!! That is a gel!!
Amy: Shampoo!!
Dane: [ smiling ] Wow! you guys are doing great!
Fred: Turkey Sandwich!!
Dane: Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
Chris: Not a liquid or a gel!
Fred: Right. But, uh, sometimes turkey’s a little wet. So —
Dane: Okay, yeah – that doesn’t make it a liquid!
Amy: What about mustard!
Chris: Good! That counts!
Fred: [ hitting a revelation ] Ahhhh.. so a turkey sandwich is a liquid if it has mustard on it!
Dane: No! Uh, because it wouldn’t have more than three ounces of mustard on it.
Maya: [ in all seriousness ] It would if you loved mustard!
Dane: A turkey sandwich is never a liquid! Okay, so —
Kenan: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What if you put a turkey sandwich in a blender?
Dane: Why would you do that?
Will & Kenan: Well, if your jaw was wired shut. [ they look at each other in surprise ] Heeeeeyy!!
Dane: Look, look, look!! The important thing about today is that the TSA is loosening our restrictions on liquids and gels! Now, you can bring three ounces of liquids or gels, as long as thy are inside of a see-through baggie!
Will: Why?
Dane: Why, what?
Will: Why did it change?
Dane: That’s a good question. Good. Because the FBI did tests and found that, uh, three ounces of liquids can’t blow up an airplane.
Kenan: [confused ] But, four ounces of liquid can still blow up an airplane?
Dane: Uh, we’re still not sure on that. But what is important here is that three ounces can’t. [ turns to face Chris ] So, uh, we’re safe as long as we stick withthe three?
Amy: Well, what’s to stop two people from each having three ounces, and then meeting on the plane to combine them? [ smiles at her own level of genius ]
[ the two Homeland Security guys stand in bewilderment ]
Dane: Chris, you want to take this one?
Chris: Nnnnnno. [ shakes his head ]
Maya: Excuuuuuse me!! I have a Homeland Security question!
Dane: Great.
Maya: How come America’s chemical plants are still woefully unprotected against attacks, despite repeated warnings by experts that they are likely the next terrorist target?!
[ the two Homeland Security guys stand in bewilderment once more ]
Dane: Airplane questions, only.
Maya: [ smiles happily ] Okay!!
Will: What if I am a passenger who does not have three ounces with me, but is confident I could produce three-plus ounces on the flight?
Chris: You mean, producing a liquid?
Will: Or a gel.
Chris: Stop!
Dane: Alright! Enough! Enough! Enough, everybody! Okay, here’s the skinny. Here we go. We, are under the Department of Homeland Security, and we have way more questions than answers, okay? I don’t know why we publicize our policies to the terrorists, so they can get one step ahead of us. I don’t know know why you have to take your shoes off at some airports and not others. But what I do know, is that you can’t say that we don’t know what we’re doing, as long as there’s FEMA.
Fred: [ raises his hand ] I have a question.
Dane: Great.
Fred: Yeah. I have been convicted of a felony. A bunch of times. Is that gonna be a problem at all?
Chris: [ uneasy ] Let’s just name a few more liquids. Alright?
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to interior, office cubicle setting, as the Boss walks Gary, the new hire, down the cubicle corridor ]
Boss: — I think you’re gonna be pretty happy here. We’ve got a great team, and, from everything I’ve seen, you’re gonna fit in just fine.
Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I’m excited to get started.
[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]
Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be down the hall.
Gary: Okay.
Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ]
[ Gary and Steve size one another up ]
[ cut to wide shot from behind ]
[ tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT”, with fight music synthed in the background ]
Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter —
Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.
[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ]
[ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what’s going on ]
[ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ]
[ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ]
[ the grab each other in a headlock ]
Boss: Hey, Steve-o?
[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]
Boss: I’m gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.
Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal – sure.
Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?
Gary: Oh, yes, sir!
[ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ]
[ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]
Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve’s tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal – but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve’s tongue ]
[ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ]
[ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary’s face ]
[ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ]
[ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]
Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh – bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.
Gary: Thanks!
Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!
Steve: [ smiles ] On its way!
[ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ]
[ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ]
[ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary’s pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]
Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ]
[ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball — ]
Steve: Thanks!
[ — and smacks Gary across the head with it ]
[ Gary goes down ]
[ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ]
[ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ]
[ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ]
[ open on exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]
Announcer: And now, Wells Fargo presents: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”
[ dissolve to interior, Al Pacino pacing in his kitchen while holding a cellphone to his ear ]
Al Pacino: — Ahhh!! Here we go! [ he paces ] Balance!! [ paces some more ] Balance!! [ sways ] Checking! Alright, here we go. [ holds cellphone away from his head ] Press One for Customer Service! [ presses One, returns cellphone to his ear ] Answering!! [ connection sound clicks ] Alright!! Alright!!
Sasha: Hi, this is Wells Fargo. My name is Sasha, how can I help you today?
Al Pacino: My name is Alfredo J. Pacino, and I got some grief with my moo-lah!! Wassup with that?!!
Sasha: Well, what is the problem?
Al Pacino: The sleeping store won’t take my debit card ’cause it’s actin’ stu-pid!!
Sasha: Well, um, let me just look up your information. What is your account number?
Al Pacino: My account number? I don’t – I don’t know my account number! I want to saaaaaaayyy.. it’s got a 4 in it!
Sasha: Alright, Mr. Pacino. It appears that you have a balance of negative fourteen dollars in your checking account.
Al Pacino: Awwwwwwww.. flabbety-jab! What’s my savings look like?
Sasha: In savings, you actually have — [ checks her computer ] Twelve-point-seven million dollars.
Al Pacino: Aw, that’s good! Uh – so where do we go from here?
Sasha: Would you like me to transfer some money from your savings account? I could do that right now.
Al Pacino: Yeah, yeah, but first, let me ask you – how much would you think it’d cost to buy one of those astronaut mattresses, the kind that comes with the glass of wiiiiine on it?!
Sasha: Uh – no, I would say, maybe, six-hundred dollars?
Al Pacino: Okay! [ slaps the countertop ] I need to transfer six-hundred — [ performing the math of his negative balance in his head ] and twenty dollars into my checking!
Sasha: I’d be glad to do that for you. Um, can I suggest something regarding your account?
Al Pacino: Suggest away, Wells Far-gooo! What’s up?!
Sasha: I see you have over two-hundred transfers this month, and most of them have been under fifty dollars. That’s a lot of service fees.
Al Pacino: Gosh! I’ve gotta have this mattress! When I don’t sleep, I turn into a reeeeeal sonofabitch!!
Sasha: You could transfer larger amounts, less often?
Al Pacino: Listen! where I come from, you keep twenty in your sock, and the rest under the tarp in your craaawl space!!
Sasha: I understand.
Al Pacino: So, why don’t you take six-hundred and twenty from my crawl space – and put it in my SOCK!!Wow-wee!!
Sasha: The deposit will be in your sock by midnight. [ chuckles again ] Can I help you with anything else?
Al Pacino: Sasha! [ a beat ] You are a sharp girl! Don’t ever let the boyyyyys make you feel.. less than.
Sasha: I sure won’t, Mr. Pacino.
Al Pacino: [ snaps his cellphone shut and throws it across the counter ] I’m gonna sleep like an astronaut tonight!! Oh, yeah!! Come on!! [ slinks past the counter ] Walkin’!
[ dissolve to exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]
Announcer: This has been: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”
We took a back road. We’re gonna look at the stars. We took a back road in my car. Down to the ocean, its only water and sand And in the ocean we’ll hold hands.
But I don’t really like you, apologetically dressed in the best, but on a heartbeat glide.
Without an answer, the thunder speaks for the sky, and on the cold, wet dirt I cry. And on the cold, wet dirt I cry.
Dont you wanna come with me? Dont you wanna feel my bones on your bones? It’s only natural.
A cinematic vision ensued like the holiest dream. It’s someone’s calling? An angel whispers my name, but the message relayed is the same: Wait till tomorrow, you’ll be fine.” But it’s gone to the dogs in my mind. I always hear them when the dead of night comes calling to save me from this fight. But they can never wrong this right.
Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones on your bones? It’s only natural. Dont you wanna swim with me? Dont you wanna feel my skin on your skin? It’s only natural.
Never had a lover, never had soul. Never had a good time, never got cold.
Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones on your bones? It’s only natural. Don’t you wanna swim with me? Don’t you wanna feel my skin on your skin? It’s only natural. Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones on your bones? Its only natural. Come and take a swim with me. Don’t you wanna feel my skin on your skin? Its only natural.”
Air Date:
