The Killers: “You sit there in your heartache Waiting on some beautiful boy to To save you from your old ways You play forgiveness Watch it now Here he comes
He doesnt look a thing like Jesus But he talks like a gentleman Like you imagined When you were young
Can we climb this mountain I dont know Higher now than ever before I know we can make it if we take it slow Let’s take it easy Easy now Watch it go
We’re burning down the highway skyline On the back of a hurricane That started turning When you were young When you were young
And sometimes you close your eyes And see the place where you used to live When you were young
They say the devil’s water It ain’t so sweet You dont have to drink right now But you can dip your feet Every once in a little while
You sit there in your heartache Waiting on some beautiful boy to To save you from your old ways You play forgiveness Watch it now Here he comes
He doesnt look a thing like Jesus But he talks like a gentleman Like you imagined When you were young (talks like a gentleman) (like you imagined) When you were young
I said he doesnt look a thing like Jesus He doesnt look a thing like Jesus But more than you’ll ever know.”
Hugo Chavez…..Fred Armisen Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…..Bill Hader Pervez Musharaff…..Darrell Hammond Kim Jong Il…..Amy Poehler Saddam Hussein…..Dane Cook
(Open on title card, red background, with a broadcast tower on top of the Earth, reading The Peoples Television of the Republic of Venezuela)
Announcer: You are watching the Peoples Television of Venezuela. This is the only channel. And now its time for the Hugo Chavez Political Roundup!
(applause)
Hugo Chavez: Welcome to the roundup. I am (pause) HUGO CHAV-EZ! (waves arms)
(laughter)
Today, we have a lot of political issues to cover, lets introduce, my panel! First, my good friend, President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Mahmoud: Good to be here, death to America.
(laughter)
Hugo Chavez: Also with us, President of Pakistan, he just published a memoir titled In the Line of Fire! Pervez Musharaff.
(Pervez holds book up)
Pervez: 40% off on Amazon.com
(laughter)
Hugo Chavez: And finally, this guy is A-1 Looney Tunes, he is my favorite cuckoo bird, Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il!
(Kim Jong Il holds thumbs up)
Kim Jong Il: Hey!!!
(laughter and applause)
Hugo Chavez: Okay, Issue Number 1. El Presidente George W. Bush! His poll numbers are not so good. He is having trouble pushing his AGENDA! It begs the question, is he the devil, yes or no, Mahmoud?
(A graphic is overlaid reading ISSUE #1: IS PRESIDENT BUSH THE DEVIL?)
Mahmoud: Uh, yes I think he is the devil.
(laughter)
Hugo Chavez: Pervez?
Pervez: I dont think we should be talking about devils and things. In my book, I-
Hugo Chavez: No, no, no, no, no! Book later! (laughter) Kim Jong Il?
(Kim Jong Il holds thumbs up again)
Kim Jong Il: Devil!!!
(laughter)
(Hugo it is leaning back in his chair smiling, it is unclear whether he is supposed to do this or if Fred Armisen is trying to keep from breaking character)
Hugo Chavez: I agree, he is the DEVIL! Because when I speak at the UN, it smelled of sulfur right where I stood. (laughter) And that is the smell of the devil. (light laughter) Or maybe an egg salad sandwich (laughter)
(Hugo sticks his tongue out)
But I think it was the devil (smiles proudly) Issue Number 2. When will the corrupt imperialist Americans crumble beneath the weight of its own (pause) ARROGANCE? Ill go first. America will fall in one month. (laughter) Mahmoud?
Mahmoud: I give it three weeks.
(laughter)
Pervez: People, this is not the topic to explore. I have a book-
Hugo Chavez: No, no, no, enough with the book! (laughter) Kim Jong Il?
Kim Jong Il: Well, I dont want to give too much away, but, uh, MONDAY!!! (holds thumbs up)
(laughter and applause)
Hugo Chavez: Okay, Issue Number 3. What makes George W. Bush so crazy? Mahmoud?
Mahmoud: Oh that is a toughie I would have to say the Jews?
(laughter)
Hugo Chavez: Pervez?
Pervez: I dont think we should be calling him crazy.
Mahmoud: Oh come on, grow a pair.
(laughter)
Pervez: No, no. Im just saying-
Hugo Chavez: Okay, Kim Jong Il?
Kim Jong Il: I dont know, but hes very crazy. (laughter) Now I do the robot dance! (Dances, and holds thumbs up)
(cheers, laughter and applause)
Hugo Chavez: Okay, final issue. If you could live in a country that is not your own, which would it be? Mahmoud?
Mahmoud: America.
(laughter)
Hugo Chavez: Pervez?
Pervez: (like the answer is obvious) America!
Hugo Chavez: Kim Jong Il?
Kim Jong Il: Hollywood!!! (holds thumps up)
Hugo Chavez: Now it is time for my favorite part of the show, the commentary by our favorite jailbird, Saddam Hussein!
(A graphic of an hourglass appears with the words A MINUTE WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN)
(cheers and applause)
(Saddam is typing at a typewriter, looks up, notices camera)
Saddam Hussein: Have you ever wondered, why they cant find Osama Bin Laden? But they find me in a week? (A graphic appears reading Saddam Hussein Via Satellite) And what is the deal with my advisors They say, Saddam, go hide in this hole Its the first place they look! (laughter) You know, it really busts my humps, prison guards who, just because you gassed their family 20 years ago, they take it out on you! (laughter) But thats the world were living in I guess Ill just go back to my cell, because theyll shoot me if I go anywhere else!
(Hugo laughs)
Hugo Chavez: Thats all the time we have on Hugo Chavez Political Roundup. Join me next week, when my guests will be Fidel Castro, and Ann Coulter! Viva la gucha!
(They all dance as the music plays, the graphic appears, and we FADE OUT)
Dane Cook: Thanks to the Killers! and Brian Williams! Brian Williams! I want to thank the outstanding cast – these guys are kick-ass! And, Lorne Michaels, thank you so much, you’re the best. Thank you, everybody, good night!
Eric Butler…..Andy Samberg Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on Eric Butler sitting at kitchen table with Whitney Houston ]
Announcer: Eric is a real Geico customer – not a paid celebrity. So, to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.
Eric Butler: I was late for my mid-terms, so, needless to say, I was kind of in a rush.
Whitney Houston: In other words.. he felt the need for speed. [ removes her dark glasses ] Like I felt the need to freebase cocaine off a hot waffle iron! But Mama don’t do that any more. [ claps hands together ] Mama is for [ hits high note ] rea-a-a-a-a-a-a-allll! Whoo!! [ holds her gaze upon Eric ]
Eric Butler: It was raining, and I started to hydroplane. I lost control of my SUV.
Whitney Houston: I lost control of my bowels! And my mind! When I passed Bobby Brown in a hot tub with three hoopty-hoopties from a Jay-Z vidja. [ does a little dance gyration with her neck ]
Eric Butler: I thought I was gonna have to postpone my exams.
Whitney Houston: That’s when I got in my SUV, threw that sukca in reverse, and drove backwards all the way to Dionne Warwick’s house! [ does her little neck dance gyration again ]
Eric Butler: Geico took care of everything immediately.. and I passed Sociology.
Whitney Houston: I passed Bobby Brown the other day! And I threw an old bag of Chicken McNuggets at his head! [ bounces her head around and sings ] “Ain’t it shockin’ what! Ain’tit shockin’ what.. love.. can do –“
Announcer: Geico. We’re wrecks.. cars.. and celebrities.
Farrah Fawcett: Hello I’m TVs Farrah Fawcett. Bleep,bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop (laughs) Oops, I got thegiggles. Anyway, the ocean is important to us and theocean should not go away. The ocean should stayforever. And you can help make that happen if you joinus here at Ocean Save 70 Bloop Street, Giggles,California, XXXXXX. If the ocean dies we can’t callBosley to help or Charlie or The Six Million DollarMan or Kool and the Gang or Kenneth who works at thesalon. Even if I put on another red bathing suit andmy boobers were like bing, bong, bing, it stillwouldn’t do a damn thing to those who… (Boob slidesdown her dress) Hey, where is my boob going? Hey, comeback here, boob.
(Camera moves across showing the audience, Farrah gets up and tries to keep herself on camera)
Oh, ok, hey, hi, hi everyone! Where are yougoing camera? Camera? Look at me. Hi, what’s overhere? (Camera focus on stage set of a bar for the nextsketch) It’s a new world. This is like a differentplace. Where am I? Wow. I’m gonna do this scene now.
(Farrah places herself on a table with Kristin Wiigand Maya Rudolph. Screen fades to black for the nextsketch Closing Time.)
Deuce……Dane Cook T-Bird…..Jason Sudeikis Man #1…..Will Forte Man #2…..Andy Samberg Man #3…..Bill Hader Man #4…..Kenan Thompson Man #5…..Darrell Hammond Farrah Fawcett…..Amy Poehler Woman #1 (Bride)…..Kristin Wiig Woman #2…..Maya Rudolph Man #6…..Fred Armisen
(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)
Deuce: Lets go people, time to go, you dont have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Lets go!
(laughter)
(They begin taking to a group at a table)
T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, lets go. Weve got to move out.
Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!
T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?
Deuce: Right here in this bar?
Man #1: Ya, is that cool?
T-Bird: Ya!
Deuce: Ya, thats fine, take your time!
(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)
Man #1: Its 2:00AM already, I cant believe that game went 19 innings!
(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)
Deuce: Lets go guys!
T-Bird: Come on lets go, beat it.
(laughter)
Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?
(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)
Deuce: There, youre both winners. (laughter) Lets go. It doesnt matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Lets go!
(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)
T-Bird: Lets go, closing time!
Man #3: Were in the middle of a conversation.
T-Bird: Lets go!
Deuce: You know what, Im gonna need your keys.
(light laughter)
Man #3: Actually, Im the designated driver.
Deuce: Ya? Well now youre the designated key finder! (laughter) Lets go!
Man #3: Woah!
T-Bird: Lets go, move it.
Deuce: Move it out, lets go, were closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!
Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!
Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?
(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Birds bag)
Deuce: There you go!
(laughter)
T-Bird: Lets go, how are we doing ladies?
(they cheer)
All right finish your Jello shots and get out!
Woman #2: Its a special occasion!
Farrah Fawcett: Shes getting married, and Im Farrah Fawcett.
(laughter)
Bride-to-Be: Youre foxy, youre cute!
Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Lets go!
(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)
Richard Eckstrom…..Jason Sudeikis President George W. Bush…..Will Forte Principal Curtis…..Kristin Wiig Mayor Sheila Bradshaw…..Amy Poehler Danny Pendleton…..Andy Samberg Ed Herbert…..Bill Hader Mary Danson…..Maya Rudolph Ted Redfield…..Fred Armisen
(The 32nd season of Saturday Night Live begins with a superimposed shot of Spring Valley High School in Columbia, South Carolina)
Mayor Sheila Bradshaw: And now, it is my great honor, to introduce our current, and I believe future Republican Comptroller of South Carolina, Richard Eckstrom.
(applause)
Richard Eckstrom: Please, take your seats. Wow. Ive never seen this auditorium so full. There are so many people I need to thank tonight. First off, your incredible Mayor Sheila Bradshaw. Thank you, for your hospitality, Ms. Bradshaw.
(applause)
I also want to thank the head of your local rotary club, Ed Herbert. Dont know what Id do without you, Ed.
(applause)
I would be remiss not to thank Mary Danson and Ted Redfield, who hosted an incredible cocktail party last night, which helped me meet some of the fine people of this town.
(applause)
And to Principal Curtis, you have made your school as warm and inviting as I could have hoped for. Many thanks.
(applause)
President Bush made it down from D.C. to help the campaign.
(laughter)
That was awful nice. And last but not least, Danny Pendleton, from this very schools Young Republicans Club, who helped organize a top-notch car wash operation, that raised $500 for the campaign.
(applause)
Stand up, stand up. (applause ends) I think we all know, its an important year for the Republican Party. Its also an important year for South Carolina. I want to begin by taking about the recent developments in financial management, and internal audit in our state. I also dont want to miss the opportunity, to talk about the needs of the public sector —
(A bored President Bush begins talking to Principal Curtis)
President George W. Bush: I love getting out on the campaign trail. As the president, I think its my duty to show my face, help out where I can.
(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)
Richard Eckstrom: — and to that, Im going to be asking —
President George W. Bush: People know Bush is available, and to be honest, theres less response than expected. Considering I am up to a 42% approval rating. Asked Rick Santorum if we needed a little presidential face time, in Pennsylvania, but, he said thanks but no thanks.
(Laughter)
DeWine in Ohio, he took a pass. Called Lincoln Chafey in Rhode Island straight to voice mail. (laughter) But when I heard theres a tight Comptrollers race down here-
Principal Curtis: Im sorry, Im trying to listen.
President George W. Bush: Oh righto, okay.
(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)
Richard Eckstrom: — new internal audit policy, and a review of our financial policies. And then I will explain, how the initiatives build on —
(President Bush resumes speaking to Principal Curtis)
President George W. Bush: Lots going on in Washington. Its good to get outta there. Got an NIE leak. Id be more angry about it, but its hard not to think it was one of my guys who leaked it. We do that. (laughter) We do that. (pause) Talibans back, thats a burn. (laughter) Weve reached a torture compromise, thats good. (laughter) You know what constitutes torture, listening to John McCain talk about torture, that should be against the Geneva Convention.
(laughter)
Principal Curtis: Im sorry, Richard is a friend of mine, I really want to hear this speech.
President George W. Bush: Okay.
(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)
Richard Eckstrom: — will make everyone, not just public servants, accountable —
(Still bored, President Bush turns to talk to Danny)
President George W. Bush: Play any sports, chief?
Danny: (whispers) No.
President George W. Bush: What are you interested in?
Danny: (whispers) Politics.
(President Bush turns back to Principal Curtis)
President George W. Bush: Saints are 3 and 0. (laughter) So its official. New Orleans has recovered. (laughter) Bob Woodward wrote another book. Says its gonna make me mad when I read it. (pause) Im probably not going to read it. (laughter) (pause) You know what I do when Im making a speech? I keep it simple. Let the audience know if the other guy wins, were all gonna die. (laughter) You know, 9/11, so on, and so forth.
(Fed up, Principal Curtis slides her chair over so she is now sitting next to Mayor Bradshaw, behind Richard and out of camera view)
(Bush turns back to Danny; Danny gives no response and will not recognize any of the following)
Id make a good comptroller. You want to know why? Id always be in comptrol of the situation. (laughs at his joke, light audience laughter) You hear that one? Comptrol of the situation. I like that one.
(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)
Richard Eckstrom: — I apologize for using a state owned car, for my family vacation. And also, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Guest Writers:
September 30th, 2006 Dane Cook The Killers None Brian Williams Jim Rash Richard Eckstrom for ComptrollerSummary: A bored President George W. Bush (Will Forte) makes small talk in the background as fellow Republican Richard Eckstrom (Jason Sudeikis) delivers a speech while running for comptroller of South Carolina. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Transcript
MontageNote: Don Roy King assumes directing duties with tonight’s episode.
Dane Cook’s MonologueSummary: Dane Cook performs stand-up about negative people who go out of their way to being a conversation down. First Hosted: 05g. Transcript
Homeland Security RefresherSummary: Two members of the Department of Homeland Security (Dane Cook, Jason Sudeikis) teach a class of new recruits how to identify liquids or gels at airport checkpoints. Transcript
Hugo Chavez Political RoundupSummary: Hugo Chave (Fred Armisen) hosts the Banana Republic version of the “McLaughlin Group.” Recurring Characters: Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussein. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Faced with the challenge of sharing the same office cubicle, Steve (Dane Cook) initiates a “Cubicle Fight” with Gary (Bill Hader), the new hire. Transcript
Al Pacino Checks His Bank BalanceSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls a Wells Fargo operator (Kristen Wiig) to check his balance to make sure he has enough money to order an astronaut mattress. Recurring Characters: Al Pacino. Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s episode hosted by Peter Sarsgaard. Transcript
The Killers perform “When You Were Young”First Performed: 04i. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Brian Williams mistakenly thinks he was to become Amy Poehler’s new partner at the desk. Former President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) make amends for his remarks about the Bush administration’s anti-terrorism policy. Sen. George Allen (Jason Sudeikis) uses gobbledygook language to cover his racist “macaca” remark. Dustin Diamond (Andy Samberg) comments on the sex tape he’s distributed so he can save his house. Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Dustin Diamond. Transcript
Water CoolersSummary: A pair of Poland spring delivery boys (Dane Cook, Will Forte) drink all of their product, then try to hide the evidence during a surprise visit from their regional vice-president (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
The Killers perform “Bones”First Performed: 04i. Lyrics
Farrah Fawcett for Ocean SaveSummary: Farrah Fawcett (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently for a minute before chasing the camera across the studio and inserting herself into another sketch. Recurring Characters: Farrah Fawcett. Transcript
Closing TimeSummary: At approximately 2 a.m., belligerant bar owners Deuce (Dane Cook) and T-Bird (Jason Sudeikis) turn on the lights and pressure everyone to leave immediately. Transcript
GeicoSummary: Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) puts a Geico customer’s (Andy Samberg) experience into her own words. Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston. Transcript
Siamese TwinsSummary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class.
Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.
Geico IISummary: Jerry Lewis (Fred Armisen) puts a Geico customer’s (Kristin Wiig) experience into his own words. Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis.
Airport BarSummary: While waiting for his plane, a man (Dane Cook) shares a drink with a woman (Kristin Wiig) who constantly complains about everything. Note: This sketch was also cut from last season’s episode hosted by Antonio Banderas.
GrillzSummary: Dental fashion accessory.
KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Maya Rudolph) is interested in Danny (Dane Cook) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest. Note: This sketch would air on next week’s episode hosted by Jaime Pressley. Bill Hader would assume Dane Cook’s role, while Jaime Pressley would assume Maya Rudolph’s role.
E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
…..Bernie Brillstein …..Lorne Michaels …..Jon Lovitz …..Kevin Nealon …..A. Whitney Brown …..Dana Carvey …..Nora Dunn …..Victoria Jackson …..Conan O’Brien …..Rob Smigel …..Don Novello …..Andy Breckman …..Margaret Oberman
[ cut to Elvis Costello’s performance of “Let Him Dangle”, 03/25/89 ]
Elvis Costello: [ singing ] “Outside Wandsworth prison there was horror and hate As the hangman shook Bentley’s hand to calculate his weight Let him dangle, let him dangle.”
[ cut to Bernie Brillstein ]
Bernie Brillstein: I called Brandon back.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Bernie said, “What do you mean? You wait now to cancel it? You had five years to cancel it, and now you’re, you know –“
[ cut to Bernie Brillstein ]
Bernie Brillstein: You can’t cancel it. You’ve got to give Lorne another year. He said, “All right.”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I think there’d been a codification of a right way and a wrong way to do “Saturday Night Live,” and I think it had to be blown up.
Madonna: As you may recall, one year ago tonight, I hosted the premiere episode of “Saturday Night Live.” Therefore, NBC has asked me to read the following statement concerning last year’s entire season. [ takes out a piece of paper ] Ready? [ reading ] “It was all a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.” [ audience applauds wildly ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I started to go back to, “Well, I might as well do a show that I’d like to see.”
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: They said, “We’re gonna bring on new people and we want to bring people that you work well with.”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: That was the magic of the original cast. Laraine and Belushi and Aykroyd. A lot of them knew each other and they just kind of knew how to mesh and there was that synergy that you need on a show like that.
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Jon brought Phil.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: I knew Phil. I had met Jan before, and I knew Nora and I knew Dennis.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: I knew A. Whitney Brown. I knew Nora Dunn. I’d known Dennis Miller from the clubs. Still never called me “Dana” in 25 years. [ dons his Dennis Miller voice ] “Carvey.” One of those guys.
[ cut to Dennis Miller and Dennia Miller (Dana Carvey) on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 12/19/87 ]
Dennis Miller 2: [ mimicking Dennis Miller ] Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Dennis Miller: [ to the audience ] I’m just narcissistic enough to love that.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: But I didn’t know Jon and Phil. And when they were around each other, they would just do that 40s gangster stuff. [ dons a gangster voice ] “How you doing, fellas. Come here, Hey, what’s the name of the broad?” I thought they were a little, you know.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: “They hate ya. They don’t like ya.” That character. “They don’t wanna see ya anymore.” And then, Phil would go, “What’s the word on the street?” “They don’t want ya anymore. You’re washed up, you’re through.”
[ cut to Harry the director arguing with washed-up 40s war actor Johnny O’Connor in Johnny O’Connor, 10/18/86 ]
Johnny O’Connor: You mean..?
Harry: Yes. Your contract isn’t being renewed.
Johnny O’Connor: But, Harry, I —
Harry: You’re finished, Johnny!
Johnny O’Connor: Don’t mince words!
Harry: I think you stink!
Johnny O’Connor: Listen, Harry, if you’re unhappy with my work, tell me now!
Harry: You’re through, do you hear me, through! You’ll never work in this town again!
Johnny O’Connor: Don’t leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!
Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?
[ Harry appears flabbergasted ]
A. Whitney Brown V/O: And then, Dana recommended Kevin.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: Lorne wanted one more guy. And I don’t know if it was true or it was my imagination, but.. “Maybe somebody tall?”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: A couple days later, Lorne Michaels offered me the job. I said, “Well, let me think about it over the weekend.” And he goes, “Well, okay, you go ahead and think about it and we’ll see you in New York on Monday.”
[ cut to correspondent Kevin Nealon delivering a report from ten feet away from the news desk on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, ]
Dennis Miller: Kevin, what’s going on? [ Laughter ]
Kevin Nealon: Dennis, I’m standing here, ten feet away from you in the there are a lot of lights and television equipment here, as if a show is being performed. There seems to be a crowd gathered, as if they’ve come to watch something.
Dennis Miller: And what’s the mood over there, Kev?
Kevin Nealon: Well, there seems to be a mood of anticipation, Dennis. The people here seem as if they’re ready to respond to something. Almost like they’re ready to laugh. And yet, there is no laughter.
Kevin Nealon V/O: At the time, I was dating Jan Hooks.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: There are people you just know — Dana was one, and I think Jan was another, you just knew right away that it was gonna work.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I had never met any of the other cast members before. But I had worked with Jan Hooks and I thought she was brilliant.
[ cut to two women (Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson) having lunch at a celebrity cafe in “Celebrity Cafe”, 01/28/89 ]
Woman #1: Don’t turn around —
Woman #2: Who is it?
Woman #1: — but at the back table —
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: — in the booth in the back —
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: — it’s Jesus Christ.
Woman #2: No way!
Woman #1: Yes, yes. Go ahead, turn around.
Woman #2: Od.D.
[ cut to reveal Jesus (Phil Hartman) sitting with a group of his prophets ]
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: I remember meeting Don Pardo, the announcer, in the elevator and Jon Lovitz was there and goes, “Do Dana.” And Don Pardo goes, [ in deep Don Pardo voice ] “Da-na Car-vey.” And I just, literally, was nauseous. I wasn’t sure If we were gonna work ’cause we didn’t seem cool, you know.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: For a while at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I made it. I remember a few times, Lorne has a joke, every now and then, I’d pass him the hallway and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: I don’t think any of us unpacked our suitcases. And we all had rental places, you know, month by month. It was never, like, a secure job, where you felt like, “Ah, I’m here for as long as I want to be.”
Tommy Flanagan: We were a little worried at first because we had a new cast. [laughter] But everyone loves it! Why, just last–eh, eh… yesterday… we got nominated… for an Aca–an O–a… YEAH. [laughter] And then theres the reviews! Why, theyve all been… ehh… and we have a new CAST!
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: After I did the Liar the first time, Lorne said, “why don’t you and A. Whitney Brown write it together?” And I remember during the show, he kept saying, “Do you wanna see my stand-up?” And I go, “I’ll see it later.” I didn’t know who he was, you know. I just think he’s some guy. And I finally said, “All right, let me watch it.” So I watched it and I went, “Oh, well, you’re a genius. Why didn’t you say so?”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Never made my living as a writer before. I’d been a stand-up comic basically. Before that, I was a juggler on the street. Before that, I had a trained dog act in a traveling circus. I’m one of the only writers there who hadn’t been to Harvard.
Jon Lovitz V/O: These Harvard writers, Lorne liked them a lot, that’s who was on the show. A ton of them.
[ cut to Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney interrupting Danitra Vance in the middle of That Black Girl”, 03/22/86 ]
Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!
[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black?
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: When I would mispronounce a word in read-through, there’d be a lot of giggles from the Harvard guys. “He doesn’t even know how to pronounce that.”
Lord Edmund: [ yelling out the door ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold effrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?
Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lordship. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious in pertinence of her bald impudence! [ to Servant #2 ] Weren’t you, Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauteur!
Lord Edmund: I thought so.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: Robert Smigel, myself, Greg and Bob Odenkirk, we were, I think, sometimes referred to, with great affection, as “The Nerds.”
[ cut to Rob Smigel ]
Rob Smigel: When I met Conan, I was, like, “Wow, Preppy Preppington,” you know? But he turned out to be a complete freak and a goofball and we really connected that way.
[ cut to Girl Watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz striking out on the street in “Girl Watchers A Go Go, 02/20/88 ]
Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.
Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.
Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.
Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.
Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.
Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: I learned everything at “Saturday Night Live.” I I learned how to pace it, how to talk to a director, maybe, to a performer, but also get out of their face when they just have to do their thing.
[ cut to Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) conferring with his mentor Baudelaire (John Lithgow) in “Master Thespian”, 04/11/87 ]
Master Thespian: Oh, Baudelaire, I’ve been asked to replace Olivier as Hamlet. Any schoolboy knows it is my destiny to play the part as it has never been played before. But how? [ overdramatic ] Ho-o-o-o-owww??
Baudelaire: Rest your mind, protege. You shall play it with the heart of a lion.. the strength of an elephant.. and the soul of a newborn babe. In a word, your Hamlet must be played as — as — [ leaves it hanging ]
Master Thespian: Yes?
Baudelaire: [ throws his arm up ] Baudelaire!
Master Thespian: Genius!
Baudelaire: Thank you! [ swings his arm, knocking Master Thespian back ]
Master Thespian: Ow!
Baudelaire: [ with grave concern ] Have I hurt you?
Master Thespian: Don’t be silly. [ throws his arm up with a flourish ] Acting!
Baudelaire: Brilliant!
[ cut to Don Novello ]
Don Novello: “Saturday Night Live.” The great thing was that you wrote something, and on the Wednesday read-through, it would be there. No one would see it first. And between dress and air, if something’s running long, Lorne would say, “Take out two minutes.” He wouldn’t say, “Take out this, take out that.”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Because the writers were also producing their pieces, for the first time, it was my voice. I had a shot getting something that was uniquely mine on the air.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I could never get anyone to write for me. I went to Lorne’s office one day and I was like, “Lorne, I can’t get on the show. There was five shows where I had no lines. And I feel really stupid in the Goodnights, bowing when I haven’t done anything.” And he said, [ in a Lorne voice ] “You’re a lot more visible than you think you are.”
[ cut to Victoria Jackson entering restaurant with Harry Hamlin (unknown) to be greeted by Buddy Precisely (Dana Carvey) in “Wait At The Bar”, 12/03/88 ]
Buddy Precisely: Harry Hamlin and Victoria Jackson. Oh, Harry, I love you on “L.A. Law.” You’re a big, sexy star and I love you for it. And pretty, pretty Victoria. Now, where might I’ve seen you lately.
Victoria Jackson: “Saturday Night Live.”
Buddy Precisely: Uh huh. New cast or original cast?
Victoria Jackson: New cast.
Buddy Precisely: Harry, your table is waiting. Victoria, take it outside. Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside!
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: Five times in a row. And I’m getting paid lots of money, but I want to earn it, you know. And he said, “Well, did you bring the writers any food?”
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: They’d try to take you out to dinner, be nice to you. It would be really goofy, you parent…. And so, it was just silly.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: You know, some people were a… Lovitz would sort of come around sometimes. “Why don’t you write something for me? Come on, write me a sketch.”
[ cut to Dennis Miller being interrupted by Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, ??/??/?? ]
Dennis Miller: In the Middle East, Lebanon — oh, God. It’s Annoying Man! [ cheers and applause from the audience, as Annoying Man licks Miller’s face ] Get out of here, get out of here. You licked me, you freak! Get out of here!
Annoying Man: [ suddenly dramatic ] You don’t have to scream. [ exits desk area ]
Jon Lovitz V/O: I think the main difference was everybody was their late 20s or early 30s.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: Those were all people that came out of improvisational comedy. Everybody had their characters that they did so — they brought a lot to it.
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: The fact that the show didn’t gel the year before we came on, I think, helped a lot. It took a lot of pressure off of us. There weren’t a lot of people watching the first year I was on. It freed us up a lot, I think.
[ cut to Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) interrupting Doug Llewellen (Kevin Nealon) as he wraps things up on “The People’s Court, 11/08/86 ]
Mephistopheles: [ stares hypnotically at the camera ] You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live eternally!
Doug Llewellen: That’s all for this edition of “The People’s Court”.
Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obediance to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
Bailiff: Come on, let’s go! Come on!
Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second.. Obey me! Obey me! [ laughs evilly ]
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: You had this feeling that things were starting to happen. You know, the popcorn is starting to pop in the microwave.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: You could tell that I was feeling good about things ’cause I decided that I would do a show with Dennis Hopper and Roy Orbison, which was — it was the last show of the season, I thought, “Well, these are people I wanted to do a show with.”
[ cut to Roy Orbison’s performance of “Crying” on 05/23/87 ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ] “I’ll be crying, crying, crying Crying, crying, crying over you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
…..Lorne Michaels …..Dick Ebersol …..Danny DeVito …..Jon Lovitz …..Neil Levy …..Kevin Nealon …..Victoria Jackson …..Terry Sweeney …..Nora Dunn …..Tom Davis …..Al Franken …..A. Whitney Brown …..Rob Smigel …..Don Novello
[ title card: “Act 3: ’85-’90” ]
[ cut back to Kevin Nealon in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]
Kevin Nealon: somehwere I went on the map here. Okay, well,it’s not on this map, but — pretend that’s Idaho. All right, let me help you out a little here. [ folds a corner of the map over ] Okay, there’s Idaho. Okay, here’s what I did. All right, I went up the coast of Idaho — I went up into Washington — I went up through Washington — came down into Oregon — a lot of mountains in Oregon. I went allthrough the mountains — came down into California — California was nice. I think probably the nicest place I went on my whole trip was — Hawaii, which is out here. [ tears a piece of the map off to represent the main island of Hawaii ] Not the main island, but those two little islands that are right off of the main island. [ tears off two little pieces to represent those two islands ] Okay? You got Maui — no, no — Maui, and — Catalina, I think was the other one. I’m not sure — I’m not sure about that. But it was a fun trip.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Brandon called me and said, “Will you come back?” And I asked some really smart people in show business what they thought I should do. And someone said, “No, you don’t do ‘Saturday Night Live.'” You know? “You’ve already done ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Someone who wants to be you does ‘Saturday Night Live.'” And I thought, “Oh.” And then, I thought, “Right, well, I kind of enjoyed being me.”
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Six or seven days later, somebody called me up on the telephone and said that Lorne was coming back.
[ cut to Danny DeVito ]
Danny DeVito: One of them has blonde hair, one of them has dark hair — I think one of them is taller than the other. I think one of them is from Canada.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: This was 1985, and it was all over the newspapers that Lorne Michaels was coming back to the show after being gone for five years.
[ cut to Neil Levy ]
Neil Levy: Everyone was shocked, and everyone was delighted. People were like — it was like — it was the second coming.
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: He was the guy, you know. He was the creator of the show and there with the original cast.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I always thought of “Saturday Night Live” kind of as a cult. And Lorne is the leader.
[ cut to The Bangles’ performance of “In Your Room”, 12/03/88 ]
The Bangles: [ singing ] “I love it in your room at night You’re the only one who gets through to me In the warm glow of the candlelight Oh, I wonder In your room I’ll do anything you want me to I only want to be with you In your room In your room.”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: In that first year back, I think I had something to prove, which was that it had more to do with talent than anything else, as I believe it was in the ’70s. And so, I tried to find the people that I thought were the most talented, and I was starting from scratch.
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: I was in California, and Lorne was in California looking for talent.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: My agent mentioned it to me, and I said, “What are you, crazy? Why don’t I land on Pluto? Why don’t I do that?”
Tommy Flanagan: I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I’m the president of the organization!
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: John was the, perhaps the most connected to what “Saturday Night Live” had been.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: I was working brunch — on a Sunday.
[ cut to Tom Davis ]
Tom Davis: Nora Dunn was a waitress in the restaurant below where we were auditioning.
[ cut to Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) interviewing Louis Farrakhan (Damon Wayans) on “The Pat Stevens Show”, 12/14/85 ]
Pat Stevens: So, Farrakhan, it’s ironic that you’re here today. Because Chaka Khan will be here tomorrow.
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: I got just the worst bouquet you ever saw.
[ cut to Maggie the Cat (Jerry Hall) seducing a gay tourist (Terry Sweeney) in “The Limits of the Imagination”, 02/15/86 ]
Gay Tourist: Lady, I’m a florist from San Francisco!
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: And I stapled the bill, for what I paid for ’em. And I just said, “Look, If you don’t hire me, I expect to be reimbursed. I’m not made of money. And then, a week later, they hired Dennis Miller. And also, with me — I remember, on the plane from L.A. was Damon Wayans. And they hired him as a featured player.
[ cut to Damon Wayans coming out to do his “Mo’ Money” commentary on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 11/16/85 ]
[ cut to Al Franken ]
Al Franken: Lorne brought in — Robert Downey, Jr., Anthony Michael Hall —
[ cut to Robert Downey, Jr. and Anthony Michael Hall making farting sound effects on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 04/12/86 ]
Al Franken V/O: — we had Joan Cusack, and we had Danitra Vance.
[ cut to Cabrini Green (Danitra Vance) being held back by one classmate (Joan Cusack) while yelling at another (Nora Dunn) in “Cabrini Green and Her Mother”, 04/12/86 ]
Cabrini Green: Hold me back!
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: And Randy Quaid, who I just adored.
[ cut to Vald the Impaler (Randy Quaid) speaking with his wife (Joan Cusack) in “The Life of Vlad The Impaler”, 11/16/85 ]
Vlad The Impaler: So, let me ask you something. Now, what if we just impaled people who really deserved it?
Wife: Well, now, how do you determine who deserves it?
Vlad The Impaler: Well, that’s what I said.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: So it was an interesting group that — with lots of different sensibilities — and it was sort of hard to make it ouould sort of see that there was promise there.
Al Franken V/O: Lorne’s instincts were to find new people.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: And I wanted to go younger. I — perhaps went too young, but I think — I wanted to go younger.
[ cut to quiz schoolers on “Jose Cuervo’s Party School Bowl”, 11/16/85 ]
Moderator: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both presidents of the United States. For ten points, name a third.
[ cut to Al Franken ]
Al Franken: You couldn’t do a Senate hearing with Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr., Terry Sweeney. [ laughs ] I mean, those guys aren’t senators.
Clint Weston: Angel, I want you to know – I’m not just doing this for the money..
[ a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub. Clint freaks out and releases a shrill, effeminate scream ]
Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You’re gay!
Clint Weston: Yes, I’m gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can’t go on living a lie.
Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I’m gay, too.
[ so is everyone else ]
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: The guys would go, like, “Hey, If we need a gay guy, we’ll call you.” You know? I’m like, “Hey, couldn’t that guy be gay? The one who hosts the show? I mean, can’t I just be a regular guy?” They’d be like, “Oh, no, you’re the gay guy. If we need — oh, and here’s a dress. Here, put that on and go out there.”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: They didn’t have the confidence or the security or the open-mindedness to be able to turn what he had into — into something of our own.
[ cut to Rob Smigel ]
Rob Smigel: You need those core people in the middle who can kind of handle any role, and then everybody else can shine at what they Excel at. And they didn’t really exist that year.
Tom Davis V/O: We just had lumps of this and lumps of that.
[ cut to Don Novello ]
Don Novello: As individuals, you know, they were all terrific. But it didn’t work as a cast. It was hard to write, you know, full cast pieces.
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: The writers and the Cast were mismatched.
[ cut to Master Thespian yelling at a camel in the jungle, 02/15/86 ]
Air Date:
