Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Billy Crystal
…..Martin Short
…..Jim Belushi
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Gary Kroeger
…..Laurie Zaks
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Dick Ebersol

[ cut to Billy Crystal entering Home Base for “Billy Crystal’s Monologue”, 10/06/84 ]

Dick Ebersol V/O: Billy Crystal had come back to host the show.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I knew in my gut that I really wanted to do the show again. So, when Dick Ebersol said, “Is thery way that you would do this? Is there any way that you — ?” And I said, “Well –” He said, “Well, what if I got Marty Short, Chris Guest, and Harry Shearer? Would you guys all come together?” I said, “Are you kidding? I would do that in a second.”

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: Dick Ebersol said, “Here’s who we’re going after: Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer.” And I said, “Well, you know, if you get those people, let me know.”

[ cut to filmed excerpt of Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) from “Spinal Tap Interview”, 05/05/84 ]

Nigel Tufnel: It’s very exciting doing a live show.

David St. Hubbins: It’s a whirlwind of activity.

Nigel Tufnel: We don’t get that many calls. The last one was in ’68.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I was 36 years old. And I’d been headlining all over the country, in clubs and stuff. But to me, it wasn’t the career or the life that I really wanted. Hahad the chance to do what I really felt I could do, what I always wanted to do.

[ cut to Harry Connick, Jr.’s performance of “It Had To Be You”, 01/13/90 ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: [ singing ]
“It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
Somebody who could make me be true
Could make me be blue
Or even be glad just to be sad thinking of you.”

[ cut to Fernando interviewing Mr. T and Hulk Hogan on “Fernando’s Hideaway”, 03/30/85 ]

Mr. T: See, my hands are deadly. I don’t want people touching my

Fernando: Well, there’s a lot of that jerpes going around. You could get that. Now, what is this contraption? What is this?

Mr. T: It used to be a parking meter.

Fernando: Is he marvelous? I tell you, you are so loquacious, it’s — I was asked — I was at a Hollywood party where this was an hors d’oeuvre. You know what I’m saying to you?

[ Mr. T and Hulk Hogan can stand it no longer, and finally crack up at Billy Crystal’s antics as Fernando ]

Fernando: Oh! [ points to Hulk Hogan’s pec muscles ] You know, when you laugh, your little things, they go bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy.

[ Mr. T cracks up again ]

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: It just beefed up the show. I mean, he brought in some home run hitters. And then me, Mary, Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus — we became the utility players for these stars.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We were second string, is what we were.

[ cut to Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) and company on “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? Especially on peschach. I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, who’s a private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?

Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise, though, too.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: One scene that the guys let me in — “The Jackie Rogers, Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad.” I was — you know, Chris, Billy, Marty let me in the scene, as Captain Kangaroo. I was like, “Wow!”

[ cut back to “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ]

[ CLOWN ]

Captain Kangaroo: [ as the bell dings ] Okay, this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.

Mindy: A clown!

[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.

Mindy: Monkeys!

Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..

Mindy: I don’t know..!

Captain Kangaroo: Next one!

[ RINGMASTER ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..

Mindy: A clown!

Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!

Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!

Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!

[ LION ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!

[ buzzer sounds ]

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I had done “SCTV.” Billy Crystal had his own variety show, on NBC. That summer, Harry and Christopher Guest — you could go the movie theater and see “This Is Spinal Tap.” So I think that, to be quite honest, there was not a sense of — [ mimes an excited silent scream ]

[ cut to Martin Short as “Ed Grimley”, 10/06/84 ]

Ed Grimley: I get to meet Pat Sajak! Like, I suppose you could do better than that. No way! Because it seems to me that he would be a pretty decent guy, I must say. What If we became best friends — best friends in the so I would just like, phone his house up, and say, “Is Pat there? Just tell him it’s me!” Sense, now that I think of it. Like, I suppose Pat Sajak doesn’t have, like, over a million friends, probably. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. It’s difficult to say. Oh, this is completely insane!

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: Chris and I, we went to college together. We’d known each other forever. And Marty and Harry and I were already good friends, that had hung out enough to create little things, that we would bring to the show.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I don’t think we were interested in particularly pandering to make the whole world laugh.

[ cut to Director (Christopher Guest) helping Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence (Martin Short) with their routine in “Synchronized Swimmers“, 10/06/84 ]

Director: No, you’re not angry at him.

Gerald: No, I’m not.

Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you!”

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: When we would write those pieces together, we would do it to make each other laugh.

[ cut to night watchmen Willie (Billy Crystal) and Frankie (Christopher Guest) stopping for a chat while walking the halls of an office building in “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Willie: It’s like the other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’ mousetraps, ya know?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of, uh–

Frankie: Camembert?

Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right? A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work, right? So I got the Camembert in there.

Frankie: Right.

Willie: But every time I went to taste the cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! … I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – I couldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: Chris Guest and I were playing Willie and Frankie, “I hate when that happens.” We’re night watchmen. He’ssupposed to say, “I went home and I got naked.” But instead of saying “I got naked,” he said —

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and I just ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: And I took the shot, and inside I’m going, “You son of a bitch.” Strip down to “the nude.” He made it a thing. Just saying “the” in front of it and it was “strip down to the nude.”

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Then I jump in a hot tub and just soak.

Frankie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: I hate that.

Billy Crystal V/O: Now, I’m weakening. I can just feel my legs buckling. And he sees me going.

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check 15.

Willie: Yeah, I’m gonna check 9.

Frankie: Okay!

[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as they go. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendly pat on the shoulder.]

Frankie: Good night, Willie!

[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit in opposite directions around the corners at the far end of the hallway.]

Billy Crystal V/O: We could just crack each other up, so badly. We were doing a sketch, where I played a young man who was about to take Julia out.

[ cut to Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) picking up Sharon Allen (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) for a date and meeting her father Brad (Martin Short) in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]

Sharon: I’m going to go upstairs and get ready. I’ll be down, in just a second.

Brad Allen: Well, don’t worry about Larry, I’ll take good care of him.

[ cut to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire ]

Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty’s character made me sit in front of a fire, and he’d hypnotized me, and then asked me what I was going to do with his daughter.

Brad Allen: And then what?

Larry: I’m going to try and have sex stuff with her. [ Brad smacks Larry across the side of his head ] Ow!

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: And I had put on a bald cap, because I was doing five different characters in the first 40 minutes of the show that night. Well, he hits me so hard —

[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]

[ Brad smacks Larry so hard on the side of his head that Billy Crystal’s wig is knocked askew, much to the audience’s delight ]

Larry: Ow! [ Laughter ]

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: — that the wig gets slightly ajar. Julia comes down the stairs. And she just sort of looks at me. And she just starts laughing.

[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen standing downstairs as Sharon returns down the stairs in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]

Sharon: Can you leave the door unlocked tonight, because I think I’m going to be out really, really late.

Brad Allen: Really late?

Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty looks at me. The audience is going nuts. The camera guys are laughing. I’m the only one who’s not in on it. And Marty walks over and —

[ Martin Short adjust Billy Crystal’s wig. A surprised Crystal laughs along ith Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they comically adjust his sweater for an extra laugh ]

Larry: Sharon will be home at 10:45.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: And that’s when live television is absolutely at its best. You can’t — there’s nothing, there’s no moment that you can ever do on SCTV, like that moment.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: What the show brings you, is the sense of danger. What the show gives you, is the sense of freedom.

[ cut to Howard Cosell and Billy Crystal as Cosell’s parents in Howard’s Bar Mitzvah, 04/13/85 ]

Morris Cosell: Rose, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Rose — [ kisses Rose’s shoulder ]

Rose Cosell: [ Billy Crystal cracks a smile and ad-libs: ] That’s more tongue that’s on some of the plates.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: When that year was over, I remember thinking, “This is great. There’s gonna be a next year, and now I’ve got some teeth here. I’ve got my footing. I know what I’m doing.” It’s over?

[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]

Laurie Zaks: It ended very abruptly. It was just like, “Well, we’re gonna do it for this one year.” And then, everything stopped.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I just loved it. I also felt like, all right, I got one under my belt. Now, I could really do something else. So I was willing to come back. Nobody else wanted to come back.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I remember on my wife’s birthday, walking home at 4:00 in the morning, and going into an all-night deli and picking up this Sad little cake. I thought, this is — you can do Y year. But this doesn’t seem like a life.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: By that point, it had righted itself. So it was sort of a surprise, when Dick decided that he wanted to leave.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: Brandon said, “What would it take, to get you to come back and do the show?” And I said, “Well, you’re not gonna like my answer, ’cause there’s only one thing. The show has to be written in a different manner, taped during the week, and air on Saturday night. And it won’t be ‘Saturday Night Live’ anymore. And you’d be crazy to accept those terms. But I basically have to be home, to be with my family.”

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: Lorne Michaels Returns

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Dick Ebersol
…..Bob Tischler
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Gary Kroeger
…..Robin Duke
…..Andrew Smith
…..Margaret Oberman
…..Andy Breckman
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Jim Belushi

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: Bob Tischler and I went to Chicago later that year.

[ cut to Bob Tischler ]

Bob Tischler: “Second City” was tired of having their cast taken away. So they suggested that we go around the corner to another theater.

Tim Kazurinsky V/O: The Practical Theater Company.

Bob Tischler V/O: Dick just hired the whole group.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It was mind-blowing. Because I was a Junior in college.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: You know, they came in all shiny and clean and spanking new, and thinking that it’s going to be like Communism. And it’s not. It’s not even Socialism. It’s — it’s Capitalism.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: I don’t think I had hair under my arms, honestly. I was so immature.

[ cut to cast and Louis Gossett, Jr. in “Louis Gossett, Jr.’s Monologue”, 10/02/82 ]

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Dreyfus!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Sir!

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Duke!

Robin Duke: Sir!

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!

Gary Kroeger: Sir!

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Pratfall!

Gary Kroeger: Sir!

[ Kroeger drops flat to the floor, then jumps back on his feet ]

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Hall!

Brad Hall: Sir!

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Set up!

Brad Hall: Doctor, doctor! My wife just swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin! What’ll I do, Sir?

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!

Gary Kroeger: [ nervous, sweating ] Uh — she threw up, Sir?

Louis Gossett, Jr.: No! Gross!

Mary Gross: Sir!

Louis Gossett, Jr.: Punchline!

Mary Gross: Wake her up and give her a headache, Sir!

Gary Kroeger: [ chuckles audibly, to Gossett, Jr.’s chagrin ] That’s very funny, Sir.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: I’ll tell you how we got introduced. Badly.

[ cut to Robin Duke ]

Robin Duke: Oh, those poor kids.

[ cut to Andrew Smith ]

Andrew Smith: Dick says, “I found the answer to our troubles and here they are, these college kids.” And he made them perform for all the staff their first day in town.

[ cut to Robin Duke ]

Robin Duke: It was kinda like — I always referred to it as “The Monkey Hour.”

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: There was a lot of this, you know.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: It was us against everybody.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger and Brad Hall in “Larry’s Corner”, 11/19/83 ]

Larry Rowlands: Good evening, I’m Larry Rowlands. And welcome to “Larry’s Corner.” Tonight, I’m very pleased to have as my guest, Mr. Dale Butterworth, the luckiest man on Earth. Now, tell me Mr. Butterworth —

Offscreen Voice: Look out!

Larry Rowlands: [ looking around ] What?

Dale Butterworth: [ looks up to the ceiling, panics ] Oh, my God!!

[ suddenly, a safe lands on Dale Butterworth’s head and knocks him to the floor, as Larry surveys the scene with a confused look on his face ]

Margaret Oberman V/O: It’s kind of like at school when the new kids come in. You’re not sure if you like ’em, or you don’t like ’em.

Julia Louis Dreyfus V/O: And by the way, people had been fired, I believe, from the show prior to our coming.

[ cut to Secretary (Christine Ebersole) and aide (Brian Doyle-Murray) leaning toward an unseen President Reagan’s (Joe Piscopo) desk sometime during the 1981 season ]

Secretary: Oh, not again!

President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.

Sercretary: Forget it.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, we were met with some, I should say, animosity.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus approaching Mary Gross in the dressing room in “Cat Fight”, 05/05/84 ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, Mary — I see you’ve been sucking up to the host again, huh?

Mary Gross: [ looking away from Julia ] What’s that terrible smell? It’s like rotting meat. Somebody must have left an old baloney sandwich in a locker. [ looks up, pretends to notice Julia for the first time since she’s walked in ] Oh, hello, Julia. [ Julia makes a face ]

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: The work that we were doing with practical theater, it was very ensemble. And it was “all for one,” kind of thing. And that really doesn’t apply. That idea didn’t apply at “SNL.”

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: You know, for me to get in the show, I’d have to write my own stuff. Or I’d have to sit on a writer’s couch until I was so annoying that the only way to get me out was to write something for me.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger entering dressing room and sitting by Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfus in “How To Prove It’s Live”, 02/05/83 ]

Gary Kroeger: You mean, they cut the “Frontier Gynecologist” sketch? Great.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out.

[ cut to opening of “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “The Julia Show,” with your host, Julia!

Julia Louis Dreyfus: Hi! Thank you! I’m Julia, and welcome to my show, “The Julia Show.” Okay, so, let’s talk about me. Eddie? Why don’t you start?

[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: The way to get ahead on that show was to just really think about yourself only, and to only look out for number one. Like “Survivor.”

[ cut back to “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: [ stands ] Do you think my hips are getting wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: There’s no telling, there’s no rhyme or reason why it works with some people. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people go “Elaine was on the show?”

[ cut to “Saturday Night News with Brad Hall”, 11/19/83 ]

Brad Hall: And now, here with an editorial comment, is correspondent Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Julia?

Julia Louis Dreyfus: Thanks, Brad. Boy, am I mad at the way things are run around here. In dress rehearsal, this speech was four and a half minutes long. Back to you, Brad.

Brad Hall: Thank you, Julia.

[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]

Margaret Oberman: It’s the same for writers. There were writers on that show who were failures and then went on to be phenomenal successes in other areas.

[ cut to Andy Breckman ]

Andy Breckman: It’s so funny, the guy that only got one piece on, that year, at “Saturday Night Live” had became the gold standard for comedy writing.

[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis Dreyfus: I just love to think of Larry there. Larry was so unhappy. And that’s why I liked him, because we were kind of both unbelievably pissed-off together. You know, little did I know.

[ cut to Johnny Cash’s performance of “Folsom Prison Blues”, 04/17/82 ]

Johnny Cash: [ singing ]
“I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rollin’ around the bend
And I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when
I’m stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on
But that train keeps a-rollin’ on down to San Antone.”

[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]

Margaret Oberman: He doesn’t get enough credit. He hired some really good people. And he sort of allowed you to be whoever you were. There were a lot of eccentrics there. How many staffs have somebody like Joe Piscopo working with Terry Southern? You know what I mean? What a combination.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Terry Southern ran the most wonderful wet bar out of his office, usually had incredible cocaine. But the sketches that he wrote were [ rolls his fingers next to his head ] “Woo-woo!”

[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]

Margaret Oberman: Over and over again, he’d pitched some sort of a commercial thing that he wanted to do: Lillian Hellman’s mayonnaise. That was his idea of, like, “That’s going to work.”

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: I don’t know, but it was important to have those guys around. It was smart to have those guys around. Because, for a rookie like myself, coming up, it was great to have a guy like Terry Southern around. To have Herb Sargent around. Not to mention — you see Danny Aykroyd. Then John Belushi started hanging around. Then it was like, “Ooh. Maybe we’re doing something here.”

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: I mean, we all wanted to be like John and Danny and Gilda and Billy. All of us. It just so happened, one of them was my brother.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: For any of us to go into “Saturday Night Live,” following those first five years — but to go into “Saturday Night Live,” with the name “Belushi,” and having to follow John? Excuse me.

[ cut to Jim Belushi as Donald Ramp in “Profiles in Sports” film, 11/10/84 ]

Announcer: For over half a century, dozens of world grand masters have come out of America’s high school chess clubs. Most of the credit for that belongs to the unsung hero of chess – the high school chess coach.

[ show Chess Coach Donald Ramp yelling at his players during a match ]

Donald Ramp: Pawn to Rook 4! Pawn to Rook 4! Nooooooo!!

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: Some people resent that I wasn’t as good as John. You know? Seriously. And, my answer to that is, who is?

[ cut to James Taylor’s performance of “Lonesome Road”, 01/23/88 ]

James Taylor: [ singing ]
“If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I’d not be on this road tonight.”

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: When Eddie left, I really didn’t wanna be around anymore.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: With Eddie going, that was it. I mean, I think they just had to put the show up on blocks, and re-invent it. So, some heads had to roll.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: So I said to Brandon Tartikoff, as the season wound down in May of ’84, that I would really like to blow up the show.

[ cut to Billy Crystal assuming hosting duties for the monologue of the tenth season premiere, 10/06/84 ]

Billy Crystal: I want to welcome you to the tenth season of “Saturday Night Live.”

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: Ebersol basically pulled a Steinbrenner. He went out and bought the best comic talent out there.

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: Billy Crystal, Martin Short and the SNL All-Star Year

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Joe Piscopo
…..Barry Blaustein
…..Margaret Oberman
…..Mary Gross
…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: I was just so grateful that Eddie was on the show, man. Because they were looking to me. And I didn’t wanna have that charge.

[ cut to Jerry Lewis onstage with Joe Piscopo, also dressed as Jerry Lewis, in “Impersonation Tips”, 11/19/83 ]

Joe Piscopo: [ calls offstage ] Murphy!

[ Eddie Murphy runs onstage, also dressed like Jerry Lewis ]

Joe Piscopo: [ to Lewis ] A 9-year-old.

Jerry Lewis: [ to Eddie, talking like a little kid ] Yeah, you know what I was telling him?

Eddie Murphy: [ also talking like a little kid ] You mean, this, the habit, the 9? When I was young, and used to watch “Gilligan.” “Uh-huh,” and all the side — the habit —

Jerry Lewis: When you were 9, you “uh-huh”?

Eddie Murphy: Once, but it didn’t count, ’cause it was — I didn’t — whoa!

Jerry Lewis: Just “whoa!”

Together: But now — “wow!” Yeah!

[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]

Barry Blaustein: Joe came to me, and said, “You know, you should try writing something for Eddie, because he’s talented.” Other people weren’t writing for him. And it was like, “Well, he’s not really a cast member.” This guy is the real deal. You know, you want to write for the people who’ll get over your material the best. And Joe and Eddie were the two people there who were the most talented.

[ cut to Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) entering his apartment in “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood“, 10/02/82 ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?”

[ cut to Gumby (Eddie Murphy) interrupting his doppleganger (Gary Kroeger) while directing his life story in “The Gumby Story”, 11/05/83 ]

Gumby: Cut! Who told you to say “Dammit!” dammit? Who told you to say “Dammit”? Did I tell you to say “Dammit”?

Doppleganger: I thought it would be truer to the character.

Gumby: Hey, who’s directing this picture? Me! Who wrote this picture? Me! This is “The Gumby Story,” dammit! And Gumby does not say “Dammit!” The line is, “I am Gumby, by gum!” All right?

[ cut to Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy) demonstrating his vocal skills in “Buh-Weet Sings“, 10/10/81 ]

[ SUPER: “Wookin’ Pa Nub” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing ]
“Wookin’ Pa Nub in all da wong paces. Wookin ‘ Pa Nub.”

Announcer: Once Buh-weet sings a song, it’s eternally his.

[ SUPER: “?????” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing unintelligably ]
“..Menny Dabid Ibe..”

[ cut to Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) standing in his apartment in “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood”, 02/21/81 ]

Mr. Robinson: That’s our special word today, you know. Come see.[ he walks over to the secret word board, to reveal the word “Bitch” ]

[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]

Margaret Oberman: He was this young, black man, who was basically saying, you know, “Shut the hell up.” And “Kill the landlord.” And, you know, was seemingly sort of menacing and scary. But not scary. And middle America was going, “Oh, we just love this.”

[ cut to Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) pointing a gun at Ariel Feeley (Mary Gross) in “Reclusive Poet”, 03/27/82 ]

Tyrone Green: Miss Feeley, I find your poetry scintillating in its scope. I’m Tyrone Green.

Ariel Feeley: Tyrone Green! You were published in the Rockland Prison Poetry Quarterly. I know your work by heart! Dark and lonely on a Summer’s night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. The watchdog barking, do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.

Together: C-I-L-L my landlord.

Tyrone Green: Damn, that still holds up.

Ariel Feeley: Oh.

[ cut to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: It was no surprise when Eddie took off with “48 Hours.” It was no surprise.

Barry Blaustein V/O: No one said, “I’m gonna make Eddie the star.” It’s very obvious, Eddie’s the star.

[ cut to James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party, 11/05/83 ]

James Brown:
“Hot tub! Ah!
Get in!
Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
Here I go in the hot tub!

[ touches a toe into the hot tub water, quickly pulls it out ]

Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ottttt!!!

Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!
Burn myself!
Make it cooler!
Good God!”

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Not a lot of attention has been to the fact that Eddie was really a team player. He was very gracious to the rest of the cast. And would say, “I’m in too much. Some stuff to these other guys.”

[ cut to Woman (Mary Gross) smiling at Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) in “Tyrone Green Art Gallery“, 09/25/82 ]

[ cut to Mr. T (Eddie Murphy) watching as Mrs. T (Robin Duke) hugs Steve Lawrence (Joe Piscopo) in “The Mrs. T Birthday Special”, 03/19/83 ]

[ cut to Alfalfa (Mary Gross) and Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy) in “The End of Buckwheat”, 12/15/84 ]

[ cut to Eddie Murphy and Tim Kazurinsky in some sort of office sketch ]

Eddie Murphy: Marvelous! [ cracks up ]

[ cut to E. Eppy Doolittle (Eddie Murphy) getting pelted with pieces of cake from offscreen in “Club Doolittle”, 04/09/83 ]

E. Eppy Doolittle: [ Eddie finally breaks character, cracking up ] This is live television! This show’s live!

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: He was a Mensch.

[ cut to Stevie Wonder’s performance of “Overjoyed”, 05/07/83 ]

Stevie Wonder: [ singing ]
“And maybe, too, if you would believe
You, too, might be overjoyed
Over love, over me
And though the odds improbable, what do they know
For in romance all true love needs is a chance
And maybe with that chance you will find now.”

Tim Kazurinsky V/O: You go to the read-through, and all, like, 30, 40 pieces were written for Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy. You knew that Dick was tapping those guys for stardom, and, on some level, they were keeping the show alive. But, on the – you know, like – can somebody throw us a bone?

[ cut to Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) and Dion Dion (Eddie Murphy) in “What Would Frank Do?”, 04/09/83 ]

[ cut to Eddie and Joe at Home Base ]

[ cut to Eddie and Joe as old men on a park bench ]

[ cut to Eddie and Uncle Tom (Joe Piscopo) ]

[ cut to opening slide, “I Married A Monkey”, 11/14/81 ]

Announcer: And now, another edition in the continuing daytime drama – “I Married A Monkey.”

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: I thought, if I worked with a chimp live, I got a feeling something’s gonna screw up, and people will know that this is happening live.

[ cut back to Tim on the bed with Madge the chimp, in “I Married A Monkey”, 11/14/81 ]

Tim: Can’t you see that it tears me apart inside, knowing that if I so much as try to give you a kiss — [ Madge leans over and gives Tim a rough hug, to the audience’s delight ] Madge – no, I don’t want your pity.

Tim Kazurinsky V/O: People instinctively knew that this is happening in the now.

Tim: [ as their baby chimp jumps about the room ] The kid doesn’t get enough attention!

[ the baby chimp jumps on a chair, knocking a framed picture down from the wall ]

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: I think we did another half a dozen of those before I realized that the chimp was trying to kill me.

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: Julia Louis-Dreyfus Joins SNL

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Dick Ebersol
…..Mary Gross
…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Barry Blaustein
…..Robin Duke
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Andy Breckman
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Bob Tischler
…..Jim Belushi

[ open on 1981-82’s opening montage ]

Announcer: And now, from New York, the most dangerous city in America, it’s “Saturday Night Live.” Starring Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole —

Bob Tischler V/O: The new cast included some seasoned comedy players.

Dick Ebersol V/O: And they were largely choices influenced by John and Danny.

Bob Tischler V/O: They’d done a lot of comedy. They’d done a lot of sketch comedy. They were not intimidated by the process.

[ cut to Mr. T and Robin Duke made up as his wife in “Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix”, 10/02/82 ]

Mrs. T: Shut up, old man, shut up! Never canned ’em to the death! I canned the man! But I pity him first!

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky, Eddie Murphy and Tony Rosato spraying each other with “Spray-On Laetril”, 10/17/82 ]

All: [ singing ] “The Pump!”

[ cut to Father Alexander (Tim Kazurinsky) speaking with Nun (Mary Gross) in “Sarcastic Nun”, 11/12/83 ]

Father Alexander: You do want to serve God, don’t you?

Nun: Oh, no. I’m a nun. I want to worship Satan and dance naked at a black mass.

[ cut to Maitre’D (Tony Rosato) checking reservation for The Whiners (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross) in “The Whiners’ Anniversary”, 04/10/82 ]

Maitre’D: Your name is, Sir, please?

Doug & Wendy: Doug and Wendy Whinerrrr!

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross as a nerdy couple in “Marvin the Iguana”, 10/23/82 ]

Marvin the Iguana: This is exciting. This place brings out the animal in me.

[ cut to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: I’m sorry to say this, but I thought the show was a sinking ship.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: I didn’t care what a poo the show was in. I just thought, I’m gonna go around and plug up the leaks. I want this thing to stay afloat until I get a house.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and a monkey at the breakfast table in “I Married A Monkey”, 04/11/81 ]

Tim: Don’t you see what I’m trying to do here? I am trying to save a marriage! I’m trying to save a family.

[ cut to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: I think we were very lucky to come in in 1981. Because the cast that came in in 1980 had to take a lot of abuse from the critics because they were following those five golden years.

[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]

Barry Blaustein: Now it’s accepted that you replace the cast of “Saturday Night Live,” and new people go on. At that time, people questioned whether the show should even continue after the original cast.

[ cut to Robin Duke ]

Robin Duke: There was a feeling that this was gonna be great. You know, that we were going to save the show, I guess.

[ cut to Susan St. James and the cast waving their “Goodnights”, 10/10/81 ]

Susan St. James: “Saturday Night” is back! Good night, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ]

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: At that point, we went from lackadaisical and cocky to “We’ve got something here. Don’t screw this up, now.”

[ cut to Andy Breckman ]

Andy Breckman: Ebersol was smart enough to know what he didn’t know. He was the only guy in the business I ever heard turn to somebody else and say, “Is that funny? I just don’t know.” He would just admit, “I don’t know.”

Neil Levy V/O: The difference was, there was hip people walking around who knew comedy and had some history.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: Lorne said to me, “You know who you should really consider as your right arm in all this, is Michael.”

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I said to Dick, at least it will send the right signals.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Michael O’Donoghue, the Dark Prince. Oh, my God.

[ cut to George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers’ performance of “Bad to The Bone”, 10/02/82 ]

George Thoroughgood: [ singing ]
“Now on the day I was born
The nurses all gathered ’round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found

The head nurse spoke up
Said “Leave this one alone.”
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone.

Bad to the bone
B-b-bad b-b-bad b-b-bad.”

???: Dick and Michael were at odds from the beginning of day one.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: The first fight we had was over billing. Because he wanted to be called “Reich Marshall.”

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross in “The Fiesta Cheese Platter”, 02/19/83 ]

Marvin the Iguana: [ on the phone ] Oh, no! No. Room Service? Yeah, we’d like to cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise.” [ a German marching band suddenly bursts into the room ] Cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise!” No!

???: Just delighted in being outrageous and upsetting people as much as he possibly could.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: It was nuts. When I showed up to work, Michael said, “Viking death! We’re going to take this ship down.”

???: And he just wanted to make it as outrageous as possible while it was going down.

[ cut to Michael O’Donoghue narrating the opening of “The Bizarro World”, 02/20/82 ]

Narrator: [ a cubed Earth spins in space ] Somewhere in space, there exists a parallel universe. Where our earthly events are duplicated. But they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our Earth is a sphere, so the parallel Earth is, of course, a cube. This is “The Bizarro World.” But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them — [ dissolve to: ] The headquarters of “Bizarro Broadcasting Company!”

[ dissolve to interior, Network President’s office, as Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Mr. President, man is here for job interview.

Network President: We too busy. Send him in! [ Writer enters ] Good-bye, good-bye.

Writer: Me want to work for “Bizarro Network.”

Network President: Ever write a script?

Writer: No.

Network President: Ever direct a show?

Writer: No.

Network President: Know anything at all about television?

Writer: No.

Network President: Congratulations!

???: Dick Ebersol’s most amazing talent is he’s able to deal with the network. And he kept the network away from the show.

[ cut to Bob Tischler ]

Bob Tischler: I don’t remember ever, ever having any network interference at all. You know, except for things that we couldn’t do because of censorship.

[ cut to Jim Belushi in barroom men’s room, watching as Gary Kroeger stuffs toilet paper in his pants in “The Bulge”, 10/06/84 ]

[ Jim Belushi follows suit, and endlessly stuffs toilet paper in his own pants ]

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: We had a film piece. Sasaying, “you can’t do that! That’s a penis!” Ebersol went and fought for that piece. And this is the way he negotiated — “Okay, as long as it’s not smooth.”

[ cut back to “The Bulge”, as Jim Belushi emerges from the men’s room with 6-foot padding in his pants ]

Jim Belushi V/O: So we had this 6-foot thing with all these bumps on it. It looked grosser than it would smooth. Ebersol had a way with the network.

[ cut to Lone Justice’s performance of “Shelter”, 12/20/86 ]

Lone Justice: [ singing ]
“Let me be your shelter
Shelter from the storm outside.
Let me be your shelter
Shelter From the endless tide.”

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: The cast benefited on a number of levels from Eddie’s emerging stardom. I think Eddie and Joe Piscopo saved the show. I think that’s fair to say. Because the network was seriously thinking about giving it the ax.

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: Eddie Murphy Emerges

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Dick Ebersol
…..Gail Matthius
…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Barry Blaustein
…..Bob Tischler
…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ title card: “Act 2: ’81-’85” ]

[ cut back to Kevin Nealon in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]

Kevin Nealon: And how about these miles scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles from your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.

[ cut to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ performance of “Change of Heart”, 02/19/83 ]

Tom Petty: [ singing ]
“Oh yeah, oh boy
Looks like we finally reached a turning point
Oh me oh my
Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye
Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye
There’s been a change there’s been a change of heart.”

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.

[ cut to Gail Matthius ]

Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: Now, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.

[ cut to Bill Murray as an author revising his novel as the cast acts out the scene behind him, in “Writer’s Script”, 03/07/81 ]

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

[ cut to Gail Matthius ]

Gail Matthius: And then we came back.

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was turmoil!

[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]

Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.

Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked If we could have dinner. And he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —

[ quick clips of John Belushi’s cameo (10/31/81), Father Guido Sarducci hosting (01/14/84), Lily Tomlin exiting Eddie Murphy’s dressing room (01/22/83) ]

Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]

[ cut to Chevy Chase anchoring Weekend Update, 04/11/81 ]

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]

Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel, all happy to help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.

[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]

Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.

[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]

Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.

[ cut to Gail Matthius ]

Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”

[ cut to Bruce Hornsby & The Range’s performance of “The Way It Is”, 01/31/87 ]

Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ]
“Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
Man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes
Just for fun he says, “get a job.”

That’s just the way it is
Some things never change
That’s just the way it is
That’s just the way it is.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.

[ cut to Bob Tischler ]

Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.

Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.

Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: New Cast Saves SNL

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Nora Dunn
…..Dana Carvey
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Danny DeVito
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Al Franken
…..A. Whitney Brown
…..Jim Belushi
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Billy Crystal

[ cut to The Kinks’ performance of “Do It Again”, 11/17/84 ]

The Kinks: [ singing ]
“Back where you started
Here we go around again
Back where you started
C’mon, do it again.

Back where you started
Here we go around again
Day after day, I get up to the same
Do it again.”

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think we’ve come back to feeling that what we were doing was the show again.

[ cut to Pat Stevens interviewing Jackie Stewart (Dudley Moore) on “The Pat Stevens Show”, 01/25/86 ]

Pat Stevens: Do I detect an accent, here?

Jackie Stewart: An accent? Why, yes, certainly, I’m a Scotsman.

Pat Stevens: Oh. Which means, of course that Jackie comes from Scotland, yes.

[ cut to Candy (Jan Hooks) and Liz Sweeney (Nora Dunn) standing in a prison cell in “The Sweeney Sisters”, 12/17/88 ]

Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, I’m Candy Sweeney.

Liz Sweeney: And I’m Liz Sweeney. And we’re —

Together: The Sweeney Sisters!

Yeah, and it’s great to be here at Precinct 43.

It sure is.

And you guys have been so nice to us during our stay. We’d like to leave you with a little gift.

A medley of our favorite prison songs.

I don’t know about you, but after being here for a few minutes, I’ve got one thing to say:

Together: [ singing ]
“Please release me, let me go!”

[ cut to Derek Stevens at the piano singing “Choppin’ Broccoli“, 10/11/86 ]

Derek Stevens: [ singing ]
“She’s chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli

She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chop.. ooh!
She’s chopping broccola-ah-ie!”

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: What I loved about “Saturday Night Live,” was that you could get yourself into so many different kinds of roles.

[ cut to the Church Lady (Dana Carvey) holding up a jack-o-lantern on “Church Chat”, 11/08/86 ]

Church Lady: What do we have here? A raging inferno of satanic hellfire. Isn’t that special?

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: You have to come up with this little short story.

[ cut to the flexing muscles of Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) on “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]

Dana Carvey V/O: Kevin and I started just doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, and started extrapolating. [ Speaking like Arnold ]

Welcome.

Hans: We’re back. All right. Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to

Together: Pump — [ they clap ] you up!

All right.

All right. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk.

[ cut to Dana Carvey ]

Dana Carvey: The thing that made us laugh the most was that they never work out. And they’re just scolding people in the audience in some sado-masochist — let me tell you something. They’re so defensive.

[ cut back to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]

Franz: A muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Hans: Yeah.

Franz: That’s right, Hans. And, if you’re going to be a flabby-waist little girly man, maybe you should be disciplined.

Hans: Yeah, believe me now. We should take your wasted muscle —

Franz: Which is flab.

Hans: Yeah, and stretch it into a flab rope ladder so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of.

A. Whitney Brown V/O: Some jokes only appealed to one out of ten people. But when that one person hears the joke and laughs, the rest of the audience starts looking for it. Then, when they look for it, they find it. And that’s what a great actor’s like. They will actually look for the joke and find it.

[ cut to Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) interviewing Dr. Charles Claproth (Jon Lovitz) on “Discover“, 02/28/87 ]

Peter Graves: This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.

Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.

Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?

Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]

Victoria Jackson: My first year, I was terrified of everything. By the third year, we were like a well-oiled machine.

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ripping off her blonde wig on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 02/20/88 ]

Victoria Jackson: I can’t do this stupid Victoria airhead thing anymore. I’m a serious actress, and it’s really making me sick. I mean, how long can you pound a thing into the ground? You know, what really kills me is that people buy it – the voice, the poems, go figure.

Dennis Miller: Vic, but wait.

Victoria Jackson: Shut up!

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]

Victoria Jackson: My own Dad called me that night and said, “Vicki, that was really scary because I’ve known you you’re whole life, and I couldn’t tell which one was the real you. [ waves her arm up with a flourish ] Acting!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: It’s very difficult to keep a straight face on stage with most of those people, let alone hit your mark and know the lines or whatever.

[ cut to Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) firing shots in a saloon in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Victim: Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Mexican Bandit: What, what?

Victim: Oh, you shot me!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: There was this skit I did with Jon Lovitz, where he says, “You shot me. You shot me.”

[ cut to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Mexican Bandit: Maybe we both are at fault, Senor.

Victim: No, no, it’s all your fault. You made me dance, and then you shot me! In the foot! You shot me!

[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: There wasn’t any laughs except for saying, “You shot me.” So, I just started adding a bunch. And he started laughing, so then I just kept saying it. Then, I was trying to make him laugh, going “You shot me!”

[ cut back to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Mexican Bandit: I am sorry, okay?

Victim: No, it’s not okay. You shot me!

Mexican Bandit: Do you not accept my apology, Senor?

Victim: No, I don’t accept your apology!

Mexican Bandit: But you must accept it.

Victim: You shot me! You shot me!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: I was on the floor with the audience.

[ cut to Kathleen Fulmer (Nora Dunn) interviewing Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) on “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take.

Jon Lovitz V/O: And we’re doing the sketch, and all of a sudden, Phil just goes, “Ha Ha!” Just, like, out of the blue.

[ cut back to “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: And I look at him, and then he stops. Then about 15 seconds later, he just starts laughing hysterically.

[ cut back to “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]

[ cut to Al Franken ]

Al Franken: There are years where the performers dominate. There are years where the writers dominate. And then there are years where there are great writing staff, and great performers. And those are the years. Those are the really great years.

[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]

A. Whitney Brown: We knew we had a good cast, and that we were going to do good shows. And that “Saturday Night Live” was back.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: There was a real intelligence to what we were doing. And I think we were all proud of what we were doing. I don’t think we ever thought, “It’s as good as what we did in the past,” because I don’t think anyone would ever speak that aloud. I can now, but I think at that time, I don’t think we would have. But I think we were quietly pleased with ourselves.

[ cut to Don Henley’s performance of “The Last Worthless Evening”, 10/28/89 ]

Don Henley: [ singing ]
“Every night it’s the same old crowd, smoky rooms
Let your fate plant some love sometimes, but it never blooms
I been around this block a time or two
I’ve made some big mistakes
But, girl, I promise you I promise you.

This is the last worthless evening that you have to spend, babe
Just give me a chance to show you how to love again.”

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: Everything since “Saturday Night Live” has been easy. Two divorces were easier than “Saturday Night Live.”

[ cut to Dana Carvey ]

Dana Carvey: I thought my legacy would be that I was in the last cast. And they actually made me turn out the light to 8-H, and lock the door, you know?

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I mean, I really did learn an enourmous amount about how television works, how the business of show works.

[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]

Kevin Nealon: For a lot of people that was a stepping stone. For me, I thought, this is it. This is fantastic. I don’t even belong here, and I’m here.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: It’s late at night. It’s almost like, well, the network closed and these guys got a chance to put on the lights and fool around for a little while, you know?

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: It wasn’t until I was completey finished with that that I realized, wow, that was really such a perfect job for what I loved to do. And it’s never going to happen again.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Should it exist? Was it worthwhile that it isisted? Was it just habit and familiarity? Or could there be new wine in old bottles? As they used to say. [ smiles ]

[ end credits; fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Dana Carvey
…..Billy Crystal
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Martin Short
…..Conan O’Brien
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tom Davis
…..Laurie Zaks
…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Gail Matthius
…..Denny Dillon
…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Neil Levy
…..David Sheffield
…..Barry Blaustein
…..Gary Kroeger
…..Bob Tischler

Note: You’ll notice occasionally that I’ve failed to identify a voiceover or a sketch and its air date. If anyone can fill in one or more of these holes, please post the addendums to the Message Board. Thanks!

[ open on Dana Carvey seated before a fuzzy television screen background, speaking in his Johnny Carson voice ]

Dana Carvey: For those of you at home right now, you’re watching a thing called a television. And we’re broadcasting images that you can see!

[ Dana Carvey’s image spins inward and disappears in a swirl that opens onto the 80’s history of “Saturday Night Live” as spread across a road map ]

[ pan east across the road map to the title graphic ]

[ pan east across map to a 1980-81 cast graphic, hold, then pan right to a framed live photo of Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: Even though I’d had a successful run on “Soap,” and so on and so forth, I had the chance to do what I really felt I could do, and what I always wanted to do.

[ cut to Fernando interviewing Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach on “Fernando’s Hideaway”, 12/08/84 ]

Fernando: You look maah-velous!

Barbara Bach: You look pretty good, yourself.

Fernando: Well, thank you, darling. I’m blushing inside. My temperature is rising, it isn’t surprising. I’ll tell you that, right now. [ looks over at Ringo Starr ] You know what I’m saying to you?

[ Ringo is ready to speak, but Fernando quickly loses interest and returns his focus to Barbara ]

Fernando: Barbara —

[ Ringo remains stunned that he’s not the one being interviewed ]

[ pan north up the road map on a Gumby stretched across the ground, continue upward to a 1981-82 cast graphic, then cut right to a framed live photo of Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: They still weren’t sure about Eddie Murphy. And we campaigned — a couple of us said, “This is the guy. You need this guy on the show.” And Eddie was so great. They made him a featured player.

[ cut to Frank Sinatra and Stevie Wonder singing at the piano in Ebony & Ivory, 05/22/82 ]

Stevie Wonder: [ singing ]
“I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

[ pan northwest across the road map to the Synchronized Swimmers posed in the water below a bridge, continue northwest to a 1982-83 cast graphic on the bridge, then along the bridge to a framed still image of Julia Louis-Dreyfus that suddenly jumps to life ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I didn’t know how it worked. I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out. Oh, yeah, you need to.. make, sort of, these alliances. [ chuckles ] Like “Survivor.”

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ignoring her guests Eddie Murphy and Jamie Lee Curtis on “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ standing ] Do you think my hips are getting too wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.

[ pan north on the road map along railroad track to reveal graphics of “I Married A Monkey”, Fernando and Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, then pan east to a 1984-85 cast graphic, hold, then continue pan west, as a cab passes, and stop on a framed live photo of Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: I really looked up to Phil as my, my, uh — you know, he became my older brother. We became like brothers. We were very, very close.

[ cut to Harry the producer arguing with washed-up war actor Johnny O’Connor in Johnny O’Connor, 10/18/86 ]

Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!

Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?

[ Harry is flabbergasted ]

[ pan east across the road map, passing Sammy Davis, Jr. and Hans and Franz, as the camera hyperspaces through a tunnel to a different area of the map, where we see the Church Lady, then begin a pan towards the west to a road sign shaped like Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein. Slow pan north up a road flanked by road signs in the shapes of the 1985-86 cast and the 1986-87 cast on one side, and Victoria Jackson doing a handstand on top of the “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller” desk on the right. Continue pan to the north to fall on a framed live photo of Martin Short. ]

Martin Short: I grew up in a kind of laughter – fun family. And I thought, “Gee, that would – what a way to spend your life, laughing and looking good.

[ cut to Ed Grimley bouncing around spastically as he plays the triangle in an Ed Grimley sketch, 1984-85 ]

[ pan west across the road map, passing the Sweeney Sisters, then fall on a 1989-90 cast graphic pinned to the side of a saloon wall in the style of a Wanted poster. Pan upward on saloon to reveal Master Thespian and Buckwheat poking their heads out of the windows, then pan east across The Devil stretched across the ground, to fall on a framed live photo of Conan O’Brien. ]

Conan O’Brien: For a while, at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I remembered a few times, Lorne has a joke that he sometimes pulls, I think, on newer talent. Every now and then, I’d pass him in the hallway, and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”

[ cut to Lorne Michaels in Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room in Next With The Producer, 11/08/86 ]

Lorne Michaels: What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] It’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready — this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

[ pull out on full SNL “Lost and Found” road map ]

[ title card: “Act 1: ’80-’81” ]

[ cut to Kevin Nealon seated behind desk in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]

Kevin Nealon: Did you know that as many as 12 million Americans cannot read a road map? That’s right, 12 million. Now, I’m guilty of it myself. I really am. I’m terrible with a map. Did you ever have somebody show you where to go on a map? Did you? It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, you know, they’re trying to show you — hold on a second here. All right, okay. [ Laughter ] Okay, all right. You know, they look at your map, and they say, “Okay, here’s where you want to go. All right. Okay, well, it’s not on this map. What you want to do, though, is you want to come off of route 84 over here. You want to cut over to route 23. You’ll see a big hotel over there and some you can’t miss it. Take the map, though, just in case you get lost.” Right? Like you’re gonna get halfway there and ask somebody else for directions. Excuse me, I’m a little lost. I’m right here now.

[ show the final moment of the Goodnights, 05/24/80, as the On Air sign goes off for the final time during the original cast’s reign ]

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: It had been my life for five years. And, you know, I’d given it, I think, I everything I had. So, on a certain level, I was relieved to not be doing it anymore. And at the same time, a big piece of my life was missing.

[ cut to Tom Davis ]

Tom Davis: We were expecting the show to end.

[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]

Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian.

Lorne Michaels V/O: I got a call from Brandon. And he said that they were going to announce the next day that Jean was going to be taking over.

[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]

Laurie Zaks: Jean Doumanian was in charge of Talent at the time. She was booking the show.

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: We just heard that the original cast was leaving, that the great Lorne Michaels was leaving, and that they’re sweeping the comedy clubs for new cast members for “Saturday Night Live.”

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried walking the streets of New York in the short film, “Who is Gilbert Gottfried?”, 12/13/80 ]

Announcer: Depressed, despondent, tormented and, by now, wandering the streets aimlessly, Gilbert caught wind that “Saturday Night Live” was scouring the land for performers.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried, with bird on his left shoulder ]

Gilbert Gottfried: They had, like hundreds of, uh, videos on different comedians.

[ cut to Gail Matthius ]

Gail Matthius: We auditioned for eight hours.

[ cut to NBC executive interviewing Gail Matthius as a cheerleader in the short film, “Virgin Search”, 12/20/80 ]

NBC Executive: I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Gail Matthius: Ah sure am!

[ cut to Gail Matthius ]

Gail Matthius: And the vibe in the waiting room – if looks could kill!

[ cut back to “Virgin Search”, 12/20/80 ]

NBC Executive: There’s just one thing. You are a virgin, aren’t you?

Gail Matthius: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

[ cut to Denny Dillon ]

Denny Dillon: I actually had six auditions. And the last time I auditioned, I said, “If you have me in again, I’m gonna charge a cover.”

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: I can remember in the audition, I did: [ singing like Frank Sinatra ] “I don’t stand a ghost of a chance.”

[ cut to Denny Dillon ]

Denny Dillon: For me, personally, I felt like my feet couldn’t touch the ground, because I had felt so excited.

[ cut to James Brown’s medley performance, including “I Feel Good”, 12/13/80 ]

James Brown: [ singing ]
“I feel good
I knew that I would
I feel good
I knew that I would.
So good!
So good!
I got you!”

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: Gail Matthius did a character that was the pre-cursor to any “Valley Girl” character.

[ cut to Vickie and Debbie hanging out at the mall in “Valley Girls”, 12/20/80 ]

Vickie: God, I’m bored to the max!

Debbie: You want to go back to Hutton’s and try on the makeup at the counter?

Vickie: No way! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] Rude City! I told her to bite the bag, and left.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Joe Piscopo, Gilbert Gottfried, Gail Matthius, were very funny. Denny — they had some really terrific people.

[ cut to Pinky and Leo Waxman interviewing Elliot Gould on “What’s It All About?”, 11/15/80 ]

Pinky Waxman: Well, you know the one thing I love about Barbara?

Leo Waxman: What?

Pinky Waxman: She never got a nose job. [ to Elliot ] You know, my daughter, Jules? She wants one. I don’t know what to tell her sometimes. Maybe you could talk to her, Elliot.

[ Elliot Gould isn’t sure how to respond, so he takes a sip from his drink instead ]

Leo Waxman: Excuse me. Pinky, sweetheart, the man is a big celebrity. He can’t talk to your daughter about a nose job!

Pinky Waxman: Of course, of course, he can’t!

Joe Piscopo V/O: Charlie Rocket, a very formidable character actor.

[ cut to Charles Rocket on Fifth Avenue in “The Rocket Report”, 11/22/80 ]

Charles Rocket: Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers. [ approaches some strangers ] Tourists, are you?

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, a Cuban couple speaking to Charles Rocket ]

Cuban Man: [speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”

Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles ]

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, an elderly man listening to Charles Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker. [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?

Elderly Man: No.

Charles Rocket: Ever have?

Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]

Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?

Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.

[ cut to Neil Levy ]

Neil Levy: Eddie called me from the street – I don’t know, from a pay phone. And he just went on and on. And he just started making me laugh. So I figured, “You know what? I’ll have him in.” And he does a four-minute piece. And the talent was just shooting out of him. So, I took him to Jean, and she hired him as a featured player.

[ cut to Raheem Abdul Mohammed during a Joe Piscopo Sports segment on “Weekend Update with Charles Rocket”, 11/15/80 ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I’m saying is that y’all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. ‘Cause If God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, everybody’d have one of these. [ reaches under the desk and pulls up a boombox ]

[ cut to David Sheffield ]

David Sheffield: Just, “I don’t give a damn. I don’t care if you watch me or not.” You got the sense that nothing would frazzle him. ‘Cause everybody else was trying real hard. Eddie looked like he wasn’t trying at all, and he was doing it.

[ cut to Denny Dillon at the front of a bed filled with Elliot Gould and the cast in “Strange Bedfellows”, 11/15/80 ]

Denny Dillon: Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

[ dissolve to the opening montage for “SNL ’80” ]

[ cut to Denny Dillon ]

Denny Dillon: The first show, I got to say, “Live from New York!” That was a really, really, really thrilling moment. And somebody, a friend of mine, took my picture off the television, and I still have it.

David Sheffield V/O: They must have been terrified, pushed out there in front of millions of people, trying to inherit the mantle of these geniuses who’d gone before them.

[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]

Barry Blaustein: It was a different standard. So they didn’t have time to really nurture. And there was a pressure.

[ cut to Queen’s performance of “Under Pressure”, 09/25/82 ]

Queen: [ singing ]
“Pressure
Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you
No man asked for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on the streets.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: The rumors of Jean’s demise began after the first show.

[ cut to David Sheffield ]

David Sheffield: It was a very difficult time. Everybody second-guessing everybody. It wasn’t the feel-good disco ’70s anymore. It was the [ fuck ]-you ’80s.

[ cut to Bill Murray trying to give a pep talk to the cast in “It Just Doesn’t Matter”, 03/07/81 ]

Ann Risley: The press hasn’t been overly kind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on. Geez.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] Come on! It’s funny, it’s funny.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: When it was announced that “Saturday Night Live” was going to be continuing with a whole new cast, this was an outrage. It was like if, during the height of Beatlemania, you were going to remove the Beatles and have a whole new group of Beatles.

[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]

Joe Piscopo: I don’t think anybody could have followed — I don’t think Chaplin could have followed the original “Saturday Night Live” cast.

[ cut to Frank Sinatra sitting in his dressing room after the Ronald Reagan inauguration in “Reagan’s Vice President”, 01/17/81 ]

Frank Sinatra: [ singing to himself ]
“Start shootin’ the press
Yeah, they’re just in the way.”

David Sheffield V/O: Joe Piscopo was a stand-out because he was very versatile, and he was unintimidated by live TV.

[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Joe was very hot, very fast.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: Piscopo — Joe Piscopo. What a great name!

[ cut back to Bill Murray trying to give a pep talk to the cast in “It Just Doesn’t Matter”, 03/07/81 ]

Bill Murray: Are you gonna definitely stick with “Joe Piscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Well, I was born with it, Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [ considers this fact ] Well, whatever.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: And he was a real working man’s comedian.

[ cut to Joe Piscopo, Tim Kazurinsky and Gary Kroeger as The Three Stooges in “Three Stooges Self-Defense Class”, 05/12/84 ]

Curly: Hey, whaddya think of this, sista? [ slaps himself in the face and on the head a few times ] Ahh!

[ Curly then bounces his expansive stomach into the karate instructor’s stomach – “boing” sound effect. As he does, the impact causes the loose-fitting pants to slide down Joe Piscopo’s legs. Everyone in the sketch begins to laugh, as Piscopo struggles to pull his pants back up and Tim Kazurinsky ad-libs as Moe getting angry with Curly, swinging the iron menacingly. Naturally, Piscopo’s pants again fall to the floor. ]

David Sheffield V/O: We got no adult supervision. We got no instruction in how the show was run.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: She always struck me as the type of woman who would watch a Marx Brothers’ movie and go, “Well, I liked Margaret Dumont, but who are those weird gentlemen running around?”

[ cut to Bob Tischler ]

Bob Tischler: She was put in, I think, an untenable position. Just to follow Lorne, to follow that first five years. It was such a strong cast, and such a strong writing staff. It was a very hard act to follow.

[ cut to Cowboy Junkies’ performance of “Sweet Jane”, 02/18/89 ]

Cowboy Junkies: [ singing ]
“Anyone who’s ever had a heart
Wouldn’t turn around and break it
And anyone who’s ever played a part
Wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Oh, Sweet, Sweet Jane.”

Neil Levy V/O: It was so unhip. I mean, it came from being the hippest show in the world to just being the most unhip show.

[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]

Margaret Oberman: They were certainly not getting the caliber of, like, movie star hosts that they’d had. And that’s how you could sort of tell, you know, what the real estate value was.

[ quick clip of Richard Dreyfuss being devoured by the Land Shark during his “Goodnights”, 05/13/78 ]

[ cut to Neil Levy ]

Neil Levy: I heard that Madeline Kahn was doing the “Today” show. And I went down, and she saw me, she remembered me, from the original show. She said, “Neil, how are you?” I said, “I’m great.” Kiss, kiss. “How’s it going? What are you up to?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m working on ‘Saturday Night Live’.” She literally was on her way. She was walking away. She knew exactly why I was there. She was gone.

[ quick clip of the cast joining Madeline Kahn at Home Base during her “Goodnights”, 05/08/76 ]

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: We did suck! Let’s not be — I can’t blame it all on the press. The show sucked!

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried as a police officer who rushes into Fay’s (Debbie Harry) apartment after shooting her date in “King Kong Syndrome”, 02/14/81 ]

Police Officer: You all right, Miss?

Fay: Yeah, I’m all right. But your bullets have killed my date!

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Neil Levy: Oh! You know, you’re reminding me — I’m starting — my esophagus is going into spasm. It was — it was just — it got worse and worse. When Charlie Rocket said — you know, cursed, on the air.

[ cut to Charles Rocket replying to Charlene Tilton in “Goodnights”, 02/21/81 ]

Charles Rocket: Oh man, that’s the first time I’ve been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the [ fuck ] did it.

[ cut to Neil Levy ]

Neil Levy: Jane Crowley, the censor, she said, “He said [ fuck ]!” Her face turned red, and that beehive, the little powder pigeon. I thought she was gonna leap over the console, and, like, pull the cables. And that’s what when we started feeling our days are numbered.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: It became a good excuse. Once again, people forget the “F” word slipped through on the original cast of the show. But because that show was doing better, you know, the hearing isn’t as good.

[ cut to Fine Young Cannibals’ performance of “She Drives Me Crazy”, 03/13/89 ]

Fine Young Cannibals: [ singing ]
“She drives me crazy, ooh ooh
Like no one else, ooh ooh
She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.”

[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]

Al Franken: Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean.

[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]

Gilbert Gottfried: I kind of feel like that season of “Saturday Night Live,” You could have gotten anybody off the street. You needed a sacrificial lamb. This would appease the gods and make it okay.

[ cut to Tom Davis ]

Tom Davis: That’s showbiz, you know. It’s not a good time unless somebody gets hurt.

[ commercial break ]

Next: New Producer Cleans House

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: 2005-2006


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Starring:

Fred Armisen

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Will Forte

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Finesse Mitchell

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Horatio Sanz

Kenan Thompson

Featuring:

Bill Hader

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kristen Wiig (first: 11/12/05)

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Liz Cackowski

Tina Fey

Charlie Grandy

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

John Lutz

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

Matt Murray

Paula Pell

Akiva Schaffer

Frank Sebastiano

T. Sean Shannon

Robert Smigel

JB Smoove

Emily Spivey

Andrew Steele

Jorma Taccone

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

10/01/05: Steve Carell / Kanye West

10/08/05: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

10/22/05: Catherine Zeta Jones / Franz Ferdinand

10/29/05: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

11/12/05: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

11/19/05: Eva Longoria / Korn

12/03/05: Dane Cook / James Blunt

12/10/05: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

12/17/05: Jack Black / Neil Young

01/14/06: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

01/21/06: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

02/04/06: Steve Martin / Prince

03/04/06: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

03/11/06: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

04/08/06: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

04/15/06: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

05/06/06: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

05/13/06: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

05/20/06: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

SummaryDespite reports that “Saturday Night Live” would undergo changes in advent of its 31st season, the atmosphere was left relatively untouched, with only featured performer Rob Riggle’s absence a noticeable difference. Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson are upgraded to full cast member status, making way for newcomers Bill Hader and Andy Samberg as the season’s newest featured performers. Hader would quickly win the audience over with his talents as SNL’s fresh-faced impressionist, while Samberg would slowly gain notice through the use of SNL’s Digital Short segment with the help of his buddies from thelonelyisland.com. Meanwhile, Jason Sudeikis, a writer who joined the show as a featured player toward the end of last season, firmly established himself as a key player in numerous sketches. Newcomer Kristin Wiig would also join the featured cast by the season’s fifth episode, making her presence known immediately, demonstrating “SNL”‘s ability to revive itself with fresh performers. Absent from the first two episodes of the season, Tina Fey quickly returned to “SNL” after giving birth to her first child, while a very visibly pregnant Maya Rudolph returned for the season premiere, then went off on an extended maternity leave. Fey would finally leave “SNL” by season’s end, along with Rachel Dratch, to star in NBC’s prime-time series, “30 Rock”, which would parody the behind-the-scenes goings-on of Studio 8-H. To celebrate its latest anniversary, “Saturday Night Live” begins airing in high-definition.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg

(Title Screen reads “Andy Walking”)

Singers: Andy Walking!

Andy Samberg: Hi America, Andy Samberg here on the streets of New York City. Everyone knows that people in television are way smarter than regular people out on the street. So I thought it’d be fun to go around and ask people simple questions,and see how dumb they look when they try to answer them. Come on!

Andy Samberg: Who was the first president of the United States?

Man: George Washington.

(Andy laughs and shakes his head.)

Andy Samberg: Who is the current vice president of the United States?

Man: Dick Cheney.

Andy Samberg: (chuckling) This is gonna be worse than I thought.

Andy Samberg: Who was the first person to walk on the moon?

Man: Uh, Neil Armstrong.

Andy Samberg: Wrong.

Andy: What fast-food chain is Ronald McDonald associated with?

Man: McDonalds.

Andy: Are you McSure? Cause I’ve never heard of that.

Andy Samberg: OK, here’s my impression of you. (mockingly) “Duh duh duh duh I’m a girl, I’m walking around on the street.” That’s you!

Andy Samberg: (pointing at random pedestrians) Idiot. Fartbrain. No class.

Andy Samberg: (mocking a man walking by) Oh hey, look at me, I’m a big stupid dummy, walking to work with my stupid bag. (The man looks at him)

Andy Samberg: (to cameraman) Is he looking at us? Is he looking? Let’s go.

Andy Samberg: How many states are there in the U.S.?

Man: 50.

Andy Samberg: Are you McSure? (laughing) From before.

Andy Samberg: What does CIA stand for?

Man: Central Intelligence Agency.

(Andy gives a puzzled look to the camera and chuckles)

Andy Samberg: Look at all these people. None of them know anything.

Andy Samberg: How many states are there in the U.S.?

Man: 50.

: Correct. (He then shakes his head to the camera, showing he was being sarcastic.)

Andy Samberg: Okay, complete this phrase: The Declaration of Indepen-

3 Women: Dence.

Andy Samberg: Yeah you are!

(Cut to several clips of Andy hysterically laughing next to random passerby)

(Title screen appears again)

Singers: Andy Walking!

Submitted by: Metsguy234

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Legends of History

Host…..Darrell Hammond
Vassal…..Fred Armisen
Lord Sarc…..Kevin Spacey
Baroness von Wilkie…..Chris Parnell

[FADE IN on the History Channel logo and the caption, “LEGENDS of HISTORY.” FADE to the host sitting in an elegant study.]

Host: The Middle Ages were a time of stagnation for the arts and culture. But in twelfth-century England, one man changed the art of conversation forever. The man who invented sarcasm, Philip Sarc, was the first man to say the opposite of what he meant, to emphasize a point. [laughter] Tonight we look at the life of Sarc, and the dawn of Sarcism [sic].

[DISSOLVE to an engraving of Kevin Spacey smiling from beneath a medieval hat. “Philip Sarc and the Dawn of Sarcasm” is caption underneath. FADE to Lord Sarc sitting at a table in his manor and surrounded by his vassals as horn fanfare plays and then fades into soft medieval woodwind music.]

Vassal: [bringing him a wooden bowl] Lord Sarc, for tonight’s meal, the cooks have prepared a sheep’s blood pottage.

Lord Sarc: Well, well, well, sheep’s blood pottage! Was goat testicle pie not available?

Vassal: [earnestly] I don’t believe so, my lord.

Lord Sarc: Oh, I notice you have your thumb in my soup. Any chance you could dip all five fingers in there?

Vassal: Of course!

[He obediently sticks his fingers in the soup.]

Vassal: I’m glad you like the meal, my lord.

Lord Sarc: LIKE it? I wish I could have this every day for the rest of my life.

Vassal: Really? Then it shall be done!

Thomas: [in a dramatic voice] Let it be known, that it is decreed by his Lordship, that sheep’s blood pottage will be served henceforth each day for as long as he shall live!

[Lord Sarc slumps and covers his eyes with his hand during the proclamation. When it is finished, he irritably pops Thomas in the chest. DISSOLVE to a sketch of a medieval lord and his vassals.]

Host: Unfortunately, Lord Sarc’s comments were taken literally, creating much confusion. This continued in matters of love.

[FADE back to the manor.]

Vassal: [leading a woman into the room] Presenting Baroness von Wilkie.

Baroness von Wilkie: [curtsies] An honor, your liege.

Lord Sarc: [leans wearily on his hand] Wow, YOU’RE a vision. I can’t decide what I like more: your pasty skin or chinless face.

Baroness von Wilkie: Why, thank you. [giggles girlishly]

Vassal: Shall we arrange a formal courtship?

Lord Sarc: You know what, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you go out and find me the biggest, smelliest, fattest pig you can find, put it in a dress, and I’ll marry THAT!

Vassal: It shall be done.

[Lord Sarc drops his head and starts beating it against the table.]

Thomas: Go out and fetch the fairest swine in the land, clothe her in the finest linens, and bring her here at once! His Lordship is to be married! HUZZAH!!

Vassal: Huzzah!

Lord Sarc: [raises his head] Oh, and… if it’s not too much trouble, do you think we could make this roof leak a little MORE?

Vassal: Why, yes, yes. we could.

Lord Sarc: That’s wonderful! Here’s an idea: maybe in the next house I have, maybe you can all go out, and you can just throw together a collection of random stone blocks in the middle of nowhere, and I’ll live there! You think you can handle THAT?!

Vassal: At once, my Lord.

[DISSOLVE to a photo of Stonehenge.]

Host: And so, Stonehenge was built: the first sarcastic structure in the world.

[FADE to another medieval drawing of a lord in a chair.]

Host: By 1119, Lord Sarc’s comments had run their course.

[FADE back to the manor.]

Thomas: And so it is decreed, that I shall walk around with my head FIRMLY up my ass, from this day forth, until I know it better–

Lord Sarc: [loses it] Okay, don’t you GET IT? Do NONE of you morons understand what I’m doing?! LOOK: I don’t really mean ANY of the things I’m SAYING!

Vassal: [dumbfounded] So I’m not the smartest man you’ve ever met?

Lord Sarc: No, you are not the smartest man I ever met–I’m saying the OPPOSITE of what I mean for EMPHASIS! For example, Thomas, when I say, “I love your lute playing,” what I really mean is I’d rather hear the pained mating cries of a jackass!

Thomas: [hurt] Ohhhhhhhh. That’s bad.

Lord Sarc: [mocking him] Nooooooo, it’s terrible, pal! And when I tell all of you what a joy it is to be in your company, what I really mean is that you all completely disgust me! Do you mouth-breathing idiots UNDERSTAND?!!

Others: [in unison] OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… [raise their index fingers]

[FADE to a drawing of a man tied to a stake and being set on fire.]

Host: Philip Sarc was immediately burned at the stake.

[FADE back to the host.]

Host: But his legacy lives on today in the sarcastic comments of millions around the world. Join us next week when we look at the life of Roger Prat: inventor of the pratfall. Good night.

[DISSOLVE back to the History Channel logo. FADE to black over applause.]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts