For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado
Goodnights
…..Kevin Spacey
Kevin Spacey: My thanks to Nelly Furtado and Timberland. Thanks to all of you. Go see “Superman”! See you in London! Have a great summer! Good night, everyone!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado
The Falconer
The Falconer…..Will Forte
Future Falconer…..Kevin Spacey
Abraham Lincoln…..Darrell Hammond
Hunter…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer.”
[ dissolve to exterior, woods, where The Falconer stands with Donald perched on his arm ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald! April showers have brought May flowers! And the season of Spring embraces us like a bear hug from a treasured friend! [ Donald squawks ] Yes, I would love to hear a joke! [ Donald squawks ] I don’t know! what DO you get when you cross a monkey with a nun?! [ Donald screeches ] Donald!! I should wash your beak out with SOAP!! You DIRTY BIRD!! You dirty.. funny bird. [ Donald squawks ]
Future Falconer: Oh, Donald! Thank GOD you’re alive! The hunter’s bullets have not yet PIERCED your HEART!!
The Falconer: Who are you?!
Future Falconer: I am Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer!
The Falconer: But if – that’s IMPOSSIBLE!! I am Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer!
Future Falconer: Today, the impossible BECOMES the possible!! For TWENTY years from now, the mystery of time travel becomes the REALITY of time travel!!
The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s life!!
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
Together: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Future Falconer: You blithering FOOL!! You DISTRACTED me from my sense of PURPOSE!!
The Falconer: OH, so this is all MY fault?!!
Future Falconer: Oh, LOOK!! It’s time to stop arguing and start TIME traveling!! We must go BACK in time to the point BEFORE Donald was shot!!
Together: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the two Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with two miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Jason Sudeikis) is startled by his future self (now played by Bill Hader).
The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s —
[ suddenly, the original Falconer and Future Falconer rush into the scene ]
The Falconer: WAIT!!
Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Second Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!
First Set of Falconers: We’re KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Second Set of Falconers: But WE’RE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: We’ll explain in the time machine, as we travel back even FURTHER in time!!
All Four: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the four Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with four miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Andy Samberg) is startled by his future self (now played by Chris Panell).
The Falconer: — out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s LIFE —
[ suddenly, the four previous Falconers rush into the scene, as do two additional Falconers, played by Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen; all six all scream for Donald to duck ]
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[ the two additional Falconers pair up the with the third set of Falconers ]
Third Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!
First & Second Set of Falconers: We’re KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Third Set of Falconers: WE’RE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: [waves his hands ] We need to go back in time even FURTHER!!
All Eight: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the eight Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with eight miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Rachel Dratch) is startled by his future self (now played by Kenan Thompson).
The Falconer: — out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!
Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we’ll save Donald’s LIFE —
[ suddenly, a fourth pair of The Falconer (played by Finesse Mitchell) and Future Falconer (played by Horatio Sanz) rush into the scene ]
The Falconer: WAIT!!
Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!
[ and then the eight previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald’s safety ]
[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer’s arm ]
All Twelve: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[ the third set of Falconers glance at the eight newcomer ]
First, Second & Third Set of Falconers: [ waving their hands ] WE ALREADY KNOW YOUR QUESTION!!!! WE ARE KEN “THE FALCONER” MORTIMER!!
Future Falconer: Sorry!! I’m a little off with my time travel today!! I promise: THIS time I will POSITIVELY get us back in time to SAVE Donald’s LIFE!!
All Twelve: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the twelve Falconers run offscreen ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene, though now it’s a couple of centuries earlier. Abraham Lincoln is splitting rails as the twelve frantic Falconers rush into the scene. ]
The Falconer: Who are you??!! And what have you done with our Donald??!!
Abraham Lincoln: I’m Abraham Lincoln. I’m just out here splitting some rails.
Future Falconer: Nooooooo!!! I’ve overcompensated!!
All Twelve: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!
[ the twelve Falconers run back offscreen, as Lincoln continues to split his logs ]
[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]
[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by one of SNL’s writers) is startled by his future self (now played by Amy Poehler).
Future Falconer: Oo-oo-oohhhhhh!! Twenty years from now! The mystery of time travel! Becomes a reality of.. TIME TRAVELLLLL!!!!
[ suddenly, the twelve previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald’s safety ]
The Falconer: OHHHHHHH!!!! We came back just in time!!
Future Falconer: [ points offscreen ] There’s the shooterrrr!!!
All Falconers: NO!! NO!! DON’T! NO!! don’t shoot!
[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]
Hunter: Why shouldn’t I? I’m a hunter, and that bird is fair game.
[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]
All Falconers: Because!! If you shoot that bird.. you will be shooting my heart!! My SOUL!! My DONALD!!!
[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]
Hunter: [ shrugs ] Fine.
[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]
All Falconers: [ cheer triumphantly, as they crowd around Donald ] OH, DONALD!!!! WE ALMOST LOST YOU!!! ONE DAY, A BULLET MAY PIERCE YOUR FRAIL BIRD SKULL!!! BUT, UNTIL THAT DAY – YOU WILL BE THE FALCON, AND I SHALL REMAIN…
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: The Falconer!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado
Carol!
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Kevin Spacey
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)
Jim: It´s good to see you dad.
Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.
Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.
Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.
Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)
Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!
Amanda: Carol!
Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)
Carol: I´M CAROL!
(Returns to restaurant scene)
Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!
Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.
Carol: I´M CAROL!
Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.
Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?
Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!
Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?
Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.
Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.
Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?
Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.
Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?
Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.
Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)
Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.
Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.
Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)
Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.
Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)
Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.
Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.
Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)
Jim: So…
Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)
Carol: Thank you.
Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.
Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!
Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.
Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.
Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.
Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?
Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?
Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!
Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)
Carol: I´m a model.
Jerry: Really!?
Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.
Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?
Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)
Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.
Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)
Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)
Carol: I´M CAROL!
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado
Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene
Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”
[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]
Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.
Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.
Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.
[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]
Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.
Male A-Hole: You really a cop?
Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.
Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?
Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?
Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.
Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?
Male A-Hole: The crime.
Female A-Hole: The what?
Male A-Hole: The crime!
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.
Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.
Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.
Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.
Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?
Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.
Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.
Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?
Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.
Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!
Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news
Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!
Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.
[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]
Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!
Female A-Hole: I remember.
Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.
Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?
Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.
Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?
Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ]
[ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.
Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.
Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”
Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?
Female A-Hole: He was wearing sandals.
Male A-Hole: [ nods in agreement ] Like Jesus.
Female A-Hole: They were ugly.
Detective Kelly: Could you see his face?
Male A-Hole: You see his face, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Detective Kelly: So.. what.. did.. he.. look like?
Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.
Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?
Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?
Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.
Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?
Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!
Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?
Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!
Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?
Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!
Female A-Hole: Do you know Inspector Gadget?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s his deal?
Detective Kelly: [ exasperated ] That’s it! You’re coming with me!
Male A-Hole: He’s driving us home, babe.
Detective Kelly: No! I am not driving you home!
Female A-Hole: Can we stop for a Spray Tan?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s wearing a skirt tonight.
Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]
Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, he sure was.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 19
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
May 20th, 2006
Kevin Spacey
Nelly Furtado
None
Timbaland
Jorma Taccone
John Lutz Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) discusses the Mexican border patrol issue with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) and a glad-not-to-be-in-Iraq National Guard soldier (Kenan Thompson), as well as the New England floods with an irate housewife (Rachel Dratch).
Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Montage
Kevin Spacey’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Spacey vamps it up for an over-the-top “American Idol” demonstration.
First Hosted: 96j.
Two A-Holes at a Crime SceneSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) make for poor witnesses at the crime scene of a stolen vehicle.
Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.
Transcript
Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball SpecialSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) hosts an all-star salute dedicated to the many, many African-American women who have inspired her life.
Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Patti LaBelle, Maya Angelou, John Travolta, Tom Cruise.
Carol!Summary: Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up his dad (Kevin Spacey) with Carol (Horatio Sanz).
Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.
Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s latest cartoon shows off a collection of “All-New Presidential Outtakes,” which features everyone from the Speaker of the House to a deer performing a spit take whenever President George W. Bush delivers a speech.
The Usual SuspectsSummary: When Kevin Spacey demands to know why Andy Samberg is late arriving at the studio, the mockful featured player fabricates a story right before his unsuspecting eyes.
Nelly Furtado with Timbaland performs “Promiscuous”Timbaland First Performed: 97m.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: “American Idol” contender Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis) comes knocking on the Update door. After a clip from her first Weekend Update, Tina Fey delivers her second Women’s News commentary and projects new predictions for Britney Spears. Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) rounds up a group of recurring characters to celebrate Tina Fey’s 180th episode.
Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Frondi.
The FalconerSummary: Complications abound when Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer (Will Forte) is visited by his future self (Kevin Spacey) in an attempt to prevent Donald from being shot by a hunter (Maya Rudolph). When the mission fails, they bungle their way further and further back in time with a growing army of their former selves for a series of near-misses at saving Donald’s life.
Recurring Characters: Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer.
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in “Andy Walking”, a zany segment in which he exploits the “stupidity” of ordinary people by asking them simple questions that they actually give the correct answers to.
Transcript
Legends of HistorySummary: A profile of Phillip Sarc (Kevin Spacey), the man who heralded the Dawn of Sarcasm.
Transcript
Nelly Furtado performs “Maneater”First Performed: 00i.
Neil Young: I Do Not Agree With Many of This Administration’s PoliciesSummary: Neil Young’s (Kevin Spacey) latest album subtlely expresses his opposition for the Bush administration.
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.
TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1960 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Memorial Day special with guests Carol Channing (Kristin Wiig) and Jack Lemmon (Kevin Spacey), and Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz) appearing in a commercial for “Psycho.”
Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Jack Lemmon, Alfred Hitchcock.
The Noodle ManSummary: A couple (Will Forte, Rachel Dratch) receive assistance with their spaghetti dinner from the Noodle Man (Kevin Spacey).
Iron ManSummary: An astronaut (Kevin Spacey) disrupts his crew’s space flight by playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Iron Man.”
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
Denver International AirportSummary: A pair of American Indians (Horatio Sanz, Fred Armisen) sell good luck items to travelers at the Denver International Airport.
Jimmy Zerillo’s ZooSummary: Jimmy Zerillo (Fred Armisen) announces the grand re-opening of his zoo, now featuring taller fences to keep the dogs from escaping.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
Tech Pack
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristin Wiig
[ open on airport terminal, flight departures board ]
[ cut to Woman stumbling out of a taxi cab, as she drops her multiple portable electronic devices ]
[ cut to Man checking his watch inside terminal, as he waits for Woman to arrive. He waves upon seeing her; her cell phone rings, causing her to dro pthe other devices once mroe as she tries to answer the cell phone. ]
Man: Cell phones, Blackberries, MP3 players – it’s too much stuff.
Woman: I know. But I could never give them up.
Man: You don’t have to. Not with the new Tech Pack. [ he opens his jacket to reveal a strap around his waist which holsters all his portable electronic devices – not unlike a bomb strap ] It’s all right here. I’ve got my Blacberry, my MP3 player, both my cell phones, and a digital camera. With plenty of pouches left over for any other electronic equipment I might want to add.
Woman: Boy, that really would make my life a lot easier!
Man: And, get this – you can control the whole pack with one easy-to-use remote control wire. [ holds up a cord-like wire, with his thumb positioned firmy over the single red button on the end ]
Woman: One wire! That really makes sense! I’m gonna get myself a Tech Pack – right after we catch this plane.
Man: Hold on, I got it.
[ his Tech Pack bouncing over his stomach, the Man proceeds to run like a maniac past the crowd and in the direction of the entrance to the plane. Other people scream, as Security frantically holds the crowd back. ]
Man: Hold the plane! hold the plane!
[ he jumps over someone’s luggage, as the scene freezes ]
Announcer: Tech Pack. You’ll be blown away.
[ Music Out: “The Letter”, by The Box Tops ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[dissolve to a closeup of Andy standing against a brick building.]
Andy: [panting] I’m gonna DO it! I’m gonna jump!!
[CUT to Will Forte speaking up at him through a bullhorn. Soft, melodramatic music rises in the background.]
Will: [amplified] Sir, come on. You don’t want to do this.
Andy: Yes, I do! I’m gonna do it! I have nothing left to live for!
Will: Come on, think about all the people who care about you.
Andy: Nobody cares about me! None of these people–they just wanna see the freak jump!
Will: Sir, come on. You know that’s not true–
Andy: You don’t understand!
[Andy totters forward and looks about to fall.]
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, come on!
[Andy backs up against the building again.]
Will: Whatever it is, we can talk about it!
Andy: I love her, man! She broke my heart!
Will: No one person is worth taking your life.
Andy: She was!
Will: Just relax.
Andy: I’m done relaxing!
Will: NO, don’t DO it!!
Andy: No, run away!!
Will: Don’t do it!
Andy: I’m gonna jump!
[CUT abruptly to a wide shot of Will and Andy right next to each other on the sidewalk outside the building. Will kneels and continues shouting into his bullhorn just inches in front of Andy’s face.]
Will: [echoing] Think about it! Do you realize what you’re doing? You don’t want to do this! You do NOT want to DO this!
Andy: [distantly] I do, I do!
[A lone pedestrian, played by Jorma Taccone, walks by and throws them a casual look as they keep shouting.]
Announcer: Through good times and bad.
[CUT to a slide showing a peyote flower. The caption above reads “PEYOTE,” and the caption below reads, “Paid for by The United Peyote Growers Association.” Will’s and Andy’s voices are heard faintly in the background.]
Announcer: Peyote.
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
MySpace Seminar
Teacher…..Andy Samberg
Soccer Mom…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Chadster1991…..Seth Meyers
Bill…..Bill Hader
9thGradeSk8terBoi…..Horatio Sanz
NaughtyGirlHotStuff…..Will Forte
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Finesse Mitchell
[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ]
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]
Teacher: What’s up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex’s MySpace and You seminar. Today we’re going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let’s get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.
[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]
Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh – well, I admit i’m not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!
Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?
Chadster1991: ..What she said?
Other Men: Yeah – yeah – what the lady said – that’s it!
Teacher: Fair enough. Uh – now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile – things like your name, sex, and age.
Bill: Now, with the age thing – could my, uh, “child” put a different age than his actual age.
Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.
Bill: MySpace doesn’t have a way to police that?
Teacher: Not really.
Bill: So, if my “son” was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?
Teacher: Your son is forty-five?
Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It’s hypothetical.
Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?
9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um – maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.
[ the other men agree with his valid point ]
Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages – you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?
[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: Y-yes?
Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to – I don’t know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.
Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.
Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.
Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?
Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let’s see, what does she – oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.
[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]
Teacher: Okay, uh – now, let’s move on —
Jason: I’m sorry – real quick. Is “Fall Out Boy” one, two, or three words?
Soccer Mom: Oh. I don’t know. [ laughs ]
Bill: I found it! It’s three words!
[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]
Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It’s a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t want to “date” myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!
Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let’s see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?
Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.
Teacher: Okay, well, Chad —
Chadster1991: My name is Larry.
Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you’re 15.
Chadster1991: Well, that’s a risk I’m trying to take. I really like the number.
Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.
9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.
Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?
9thGradeSk8terBoi: Yeah.
Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?
9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!
Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don’t even want to hear your explanations, but – you should know you’re gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don’t want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]
Chadster1991: Uh – I have a question?
Teacher: Yeah.
Chadster1991: Let’s say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.
Teacher: Okay.
Chadster1991: Like, maybe you’re going to meet them at their house.
Teacher: What’s your question?
Chadster1991: What’s the best way to make sure that “Dateline”‘s not going to be there?
Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh – I’m just going to race through the rest of this. Uh – you’re going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.
Chris: Excuse me? Um – I was recently in a “car accident” that “severely” altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said “accident”?
Teacher: You can use anything you want – again, MySpace doesn’t really have a way to police that.
Chris: Ex-cellent!
Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?
Chris: Chad Michael Murray.
Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?
Chris: Before the “accident”, yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.
Teacher: And what kind of “accident” was it?
Chris: A severe one.
9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I’ve been told I look like Jessica Alba.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!
[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he’s already entered ]
Police Officer: Excuse me!
[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like “I think I left the lights on in my car!” ]
Teacher: How can I help you?
Police Officer: Well, I’m gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?
Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.
Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ]
[ the Teacher looks at what’s left of his class – the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]
Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.
Soccer Mom: Yeah. That’s a – that’s a good idea.
[ zoom out, fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
The Morning Show
written by: Kristin Gore
Peter Phillips…..Horatio Sanz
Lydia Johnson…..Kristen Wiig
Jackie Miller…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Rick Courtney…..Fred Armisen
(Opens with the Morning Show logo and a goofy theme music. The hosts sit on their TV studio set with a background of the city behind them)
Announcer: And now the Morning Show with Lydia Johnson and Peter Phillips.
Lydia: Good Mornin- (goofy theme music continues) That´s weird. Can we cut the music?
Peter: The music still going. Can someone turn it off?
(Music stops)
Lydia: Guess we´re having some technical difficulties.
Peter: Yeah, must be something in the air. Everything has gone a little haywire this morning.
Lydia: Sure has. Anyway, hello and welcome to the Morning Show. I´m Linda Davenport, uh…Lydia Johnson. Why did I say that? I guess I´m a little off too.
Peter: And I´m Peter Phillips. We have a great show planned for you but first we´re excited because we have a birthday on the set today.
Lydia: Yes, one of the members of the crew has a special birthday. Our very own Stan turns 72 today,(off camera) oh, he did? Oh…
Peter: (off camera)What? Last night? That´s terrible. Our condolences go out to Stan´s family.
Lydia: Well, we got a lot of neat things to get to today so…
Peter: Yeah, ahh… let´s get to our weather man out on the street Rick Courtney, he´s got our forecast for this afternoon.
Lydia: Hi, Rick! How are things out there?
(camera splits showing Rick talking with great enthusiasm with no audio)
Peter: Looks like we´re having problems with his audio. Can we turn his mike up? (goofy theme music plays) No, that´s the theme music again.
Lydia: Can we please turn that off? (goofy theme music stops and the audio on Rick is restored)
Rick: ..so if you live in that area you should be thinking of evacuating. Back to you guys, oh, and Happy Birthday to Stan, 72 years young.
(grim faces on Lydia and Peter)
Peter: Someone probably should´ve let him know about Stan.
Lydia: Yes, ok what do you say we get to our first guest (guest pops out in front of the hosts) oh, no…not yet. (guest leaves) She is the author of “The Winter’s Edge.” Please welcome, Jackie Miller. (waves her to come in, Jackie enters and shakes hands withLydia)
Jackie: Hi. (Peter is unsure whether to shake hands, kiss or hug, finally ends in an awkward hug) Ok, glad to be here. (Jackie sits and makes a horrible fart noise) Um,that, that wasn´t me it was this chair. See I… (gets up and sits, no fart noise) Well, it’s notdoing it now but it did it before.
Lydia: Jackie, it says here that you´re from New York.
Jackie: No.
Lydia: Talk to research about that.
(Peter and Jackie interrupt each other)
Peter: So, Jackie where did you get—
Jackie: It took me about about five—
Peter: No that´s ok….its my fault—
Jackie: Oh, sorry….I, I to apologize—
Peter: Oh, ok, yeah, all right—
Jackie: No, no, ok you go ahead.
Peter: Ok, where did you get the inspiration for your book?
Jackie: Um, well a lot of it actually came from my own life and much like the character Maria, I fell into a depression and as I got older I used drugs and alcohol to escape. So by the time I was about 16 I was living on the streets—(goofy theme music plays)
Lydia: What´s going on today?
Peter: You know what? Just ignore it. What were you saying?
(Jackie continues, competing with the goofy theme)
Jackie: Um, well I hit bottom, I ended up in a crack house and um, did the music just get louder?
Peter: Yes, I think it did get louder. Excuse me. (Peter walks off camera, Jackie adresses Lydia)
Jackie: Well then…I, I ended up and (goofy theme stops) WOKE UP IN A POOL OF MY OWN URINE! Oh, I´m sorry but the music was loud but then it wasn´t so….
(Peter returns)
Lydia: Thank you, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, no problem. (Peter trips and falls grabbing by accident Jackie´s boobs, she gets up and they look at each other with shame. Kristen Wiig seems to almost crack up)
Jackie: That´s, that´s my—
Peter: Sorry about that.
Jackie: It´s ok… (Jackie sits and another fart noise is heard) This is a terrible chair.
Lydia: You know what? Maybe this might be a good time to quickly check in with Gene and the traffic report. Gene?
(Cut to the entire crew of the show holding a giant banner that says “Happy Birthday Stan”, ballons hanging about)
Crew: HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN!!!
(Mortified look on the hosts’ faces)
Lydia: I forgot we did that.
Peter: Yeah, uh you know what? We´ll gonna try to get Gene later on on the show and hopefully– (goofy theme music plays and the show logo appears)
Lydia: You´ve got to be kidding me!!! What!? What!?
(Peter throws his index cards on the table defeated)
(Cheers and applause.)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue
…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
…..Jason Alexander
…..Jerry Seinfeld
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you so much – wow! I just can’t believe that I’m back here on “Saturday Night Live.” You know, some of you may not know this, but I was in the cast from 1982 to 1985. And I am so honored to say that I am the first female cast member to ever come back and host “SNL.”
Um – now, I’m in a show called “The New Adventures of Old Christine” I know, I know, I know – it’s a very catchy title. The truth is, originally, though, the title was just “Old Christine,” but CBS tested it, and they found out that men didn’t like the word “Old.” So they made us put words that meant “do like” in front of the title. Like “New” and “Adventure.” Other titles that tested particularly well with men were: “Football Christine.” “Barbecue Spaceship Christine.” “Coke Off a Whore’s Ass Christine.” And, of course, “CSI: Christine.”
But – the best thing about working on a show is that some people are saying that I broke the so-called Seinfeld Curse. Which is, frankly, a complete load of crap. I mean, we were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, and, because we haven’t been able to re-create that, we’re cursed? I mean, come on. Believe me, we are anything but cursed. In fact, I was just talking about it to an old friend, just the other day…
[ dissolve to pre-filmed exterior, coffee shop, with generic “Seinfeld” music fading into the background ]
[ Julia steps out of the coffee shop, as a beared Jason Alexander comes walking down the sidewalk ]
Jason Alexander: [ spots her ] Julia? Hey-ey-ey-ey-hey!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Jason! Oh, my God!
[ they hug ]
Jason Alexander: It’s so funny!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I know!
Jason Alexander: What are you doing in New York?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, I have “Saturday Night Live” this week.
Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I can’t even get tickets to that thing any more! The guy I knew from NBC got fired. Who’d you call?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no. Actually, I’m hosting it.
Jason Alexander: Oh, hosting?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.. yeah..
Jason Alexander: Wow, that’s great..
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s because I have a show on CBS now – “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”
Jason Alexander: Yes, yes. Right. I saw it. [ chuckles politely ] It’s cute.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Well, I mean – it’s more funny than it is cute.
Jason Alexander: Yeah. Right. Well, I’m not the demographic!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah! Anyway, people are saying I broke the Seinfeld Curse!
Jason Alexander: Oh.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ laughs ] How ridiculous is that?! [ laughs again ] I mean, have you ever felt cursed?
Jason Alexander: Me? No!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No!
Jason Alexander: Blessed! And I’ve got a lot of time now! A lot of time! And I got a new dog.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh. Oh.
Jason Alexander: But, you know – but I do have time, if you want. I could do the guest spot. On your show. You know. It’s stunt casting, the audience loves that stuff.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, yeah.. I’m not sure.
Jason Alexander: It’s the Curse. Isn’t it? It’s the Seinfeld Curse. You don’t want to touch me. I-I understand. I’m like poison. Ever since “Bob Patterson.” And I thought it was good! And “Listen Up” – it wasn’t my idea —
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no! There’s no curse! Jason, come on! Look, I’ll talk to the people at “SNL” about getting you on the show with me. Okay?
Jason Alexander: You would do that?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely.
Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I-I adore — you are the best! You’re the best! [ gives Julia a great big bear hug ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, you’re the best.. you’re the best.
Jason Alexander: This is great! We’re gonna have a great time!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It’ll be fun.
Jason Alexander: I’m going to host “SNL” with you! This is great! [ runs into the street ] The curse is over! The curse is ov —
[ suddenly, a taxi cab barrels down the street, running over Jason ]
[ cut back to Julia standing at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, well. That’s a shame. Anyway, I know I’m not cursed —
[ suddenly, a light crashes to the floor beside Julia. She looks up to see what caused it to fall ]
[ cut to pre-filmed bit, Jerry Seinfeld high above the rafters holding a pair of wire cutters ]
Jerry Seinfeld: [ with a raspy voice ] Oh, dammit! I missed! It’s like a curse! I’ll get you! Aghhh!! [ shirks away ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We have a great show for you tonight! We have Paul Simon! We have me, the uncursed Julia Louis-Dreyfus! So stick around, we’ll be right back!