Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 14th, 2006

Scarlett Johansson

Death Cab For Cutie

None

None

Jorma Taccone

The 700 Gang
Summary: An excerpt from tonight's cartoon by Robert Smigel shows Pat Robertson espouse his hateful fanatical ideals onto children.

Note: This excerpt was inserted as the cold opening after the "Hardball" parody performed during dress rehearsal was cut at the last minute.


Montage
Note: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she's still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Darrell Hammond is credited even though he doesn't appear in the live episode. He starred in two sketches that were cut from dress rehearsal for as-yet undisclosed reasons.


Scarlett Johansson's Monologue
Summary: Scarlett Johansson and Amy Poehler sing about being big movie stars.

Bio: Scarlett Johansson (1984-). Actress; co-starred with Bill Murray in "Lost in Translation"; recently starred in the Woody Allen-directed film "Match Point" with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers.

Also Hosted: 06r.

Cameos: 05j.


Taco Town
Summary: The world's largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: Repeat from 10/08/05.


Deep House Dish
Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee.

Transcript


Smorgasběrd
Summary: The Swedish cooking show follows the banter of (Seth Meyers) and (Scarlett Johansson) as her husband (Bill Hader) lies comatose on the side of the set.

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Robert Smigel's Hanna-Barbera-style Intelligevision Kidz cartoon sequence features Darwin making frequent evolutionary blunders, as well as advertisements for Bryo the Gay Stem Cell and Celibots.


Mike & Toni's Chandelier Galaxy
Summary: Buy a chandlier from Mike (Fred Armisen) and Toni (Rachel Dratch) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.

Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie.

Transcript


Duluth Live
Summary: Darren (Jason Sudekeis) and Joyce (Amy Poehler), the morning hosts of Channel 23's "Duluth Live" are ecstatic about welcoming their new house band, but regret having to wait for the lead singer (Will Forte) to finish his extended version of the new theme song.

Transcript


Death Cab For Cutie perform "Soul Meets Body"
Bio: Indie rock band; took their name from a song performed by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band in The Beatles' film "Magical Mystery Tour"; members: guitarist Ben Gibbard, electric guitarist Christopher Walla, bassist Nick Harmer and drummer Jason McGerr.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Tina Fey takes a look at Martha-Ann Bomgardner's (Rachel Dratch) facial expressions during husband Samuel Alito's (Chris Parnell) confirmation hearings. Tina Fey quizzes Amy Poehler on quotes attributed either to Pat Robertson or a homeless guy during Weekend Update's Nutbird News Quiz. Andy Samberg examines fellow celebrities with his hairstyle during The Shaggy Hair Corner.


My Super Sweet 16
Summary: Bratty Crystal (Scarlett Johansson) demands that her parents (Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch) move the earth to make her 16th birthday party the most important event in world history.

Transcript


Once in a Lifetime Jewelers
Summary: Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself to the jewelry store clerk (Scarlett Johansson) while purportedly shopping for a low-priced engagement ring for his girlfriend.

Transcript


Oceanographers
Summary: While floating 6,000 fathoms beneath the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench in a three-person-maximum-occupancy submarine, oceanographer Jeff (Seth Meyers) is floored to learn that his wife, Kendra (Scarlett Johansson), has fallen for his submate, Kevin (Horatio Sanz), during the course of their journey.

Transcript


Death Cab For Cutie perform "Crooked Teeth"


Mr. Willoughby
Summary: In a preview of an upcoming movie based on a lost Jane austen novel, three sisters (Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Scarlett Johansson) speak vibrantly in expectation of the soon-to-arrive Mr. Willoughby.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Hardball
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) talks current events with Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Tom Delay, Zell Miller.


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Summary: Jay Leno (Darrell Hammond) interviews Tara Reid (Scarlett Johansson).

Recurring Characters: Jay Leno.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In "Tangent", a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date talks endlessly, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. He eventually lands, and loses, a co-starring role in a movie with Scarlett Johansson.

Note: Though an awkard delay, this Digital Short would eventually air on the Steve Martin episode.


Bar
Summary: A man (Seth Meyers) tries to ask a woman (Scarlett Johansson) on a date after meeting her in a bar.


Limo Ride
Summary: A limo driver (Finesse Mitchell) takes Scarlett Johansson around town.

Recurring Characters: Limo Driver.


False Date
Summary: A man (Will Forte) and a woman (Scarlett Johansson) on a date lie about their identities.



SNL Transcripts