Mike DiCicco…..Bill Hader Dave DiCicco…..Matt Dillon
[FADE IN on a storefront with cars parked out front as rock music plays in the background.]
Announcer: UNICORNS. UNICORNS. UNICORNS.
[SUPERIMPOSE drawings and paintings of unicorns with a fairy-tale caption “UNICORNS” underneath. FADE inside the store, where the brothers stand in ’70s-style jackets and loud shirts.]
Mike: That’s right, people. Here at DiCicco Brothers Unicornery, we’re up to our asses in unicorns. Ain’t that right, Davey?
Dave: Hey, frickin’ man, that’s right, little Mikey. We got a brand new shipment of these magic little bastards, and they’re sellin’ like hotcakes.
[They step over to a small stall. A pure white pony stands quietly inside with a plastic horn attached to its head.]
Mike: Lookit this idiot. Is this thing adorable, or what? His name’s Argonian, he’s five hundred seventy-six years old. Word’s up, evil spirits. Balrogs, elementals, you name it.
Dave: This thing’s just lousy with magic. You got ’em–you got your augurations, you got your transmutations, you got your necromancy. And look at the horn. It’s freakin’ ridiculous!
[Audience snickers as the brothers step over to another stall with a white pony inside.]
Mike: What about this dum-dum?
Dave: This here’s Sainteclaire. He’s from the enchanted isle of Winfindel.
[CUT to a closeup of the horned pony as the audience coos softly.]
Dave: And y’know what the best part is about this little freakshow?
Mike: What’s that, Davey?
Dave: Is he don’t gotta eat, because he culls his strength from the dreams of children. How d’ya like them apples?
Mike: My daughter’s got THREE of these stupid things. Can’t get enough of ’em. But it keeps her happy, so I don’t give a crap!
[While Mike is talking, the “unicorn” bobs its head and pokes him in the arm with its horn.]
Dave: But maybe you live in an apartment, or a condominium. Maybe you don’t need THIS much unicorn.
[As they step over to another stall, the audience fawns and moans over a tiny, white baby pony also adorned with a horn.]
Mike: Boom!
Dave: A mini-unicorn.
Mike: Lookit this bag o’ donuts! It’s like I took a unicorn and teeny-sized it. Who would DO that?
Dave: Hey, Mikey. That little freakin’ guy’s so cute, I think I’m gonna buy him myself.
Mike: There goes another one o’ these enchanted morons off the market. So you guys gotta–you guys better get down here quick!
Dave: But that’s not all we got!
Mike: Yeah, we got Pegasi, Gryphons, Halflings, Chimeras, Banshees.
[SUPERIMPOSE varieties at bottom in “My Little Pony” script.]
Dave: Gargoyles, Krakens, Gorgons, Hydras.
Mike: So, if you’re into this kinda crap, come on down to DiCicco Brothers. And get a unicorn already!
Dave: That’s DiCicco Brothers Unicornery.
Mike & Dave: [in unison] WE GOT A UNICORN WITH YOUR NAME ON IT! [both point to camera]
[CUT back to storefront as rock music plays.]
Announcer: [singing] DiCicco Brothers Unicornery! Off Route 13 in Passaic, New Jersey!!
[SUPERIMPOSE address, then FADE to a bumper slide of Matt Dillon peering between his fingers.]
Barry the Director…..Bill Hader Woman…..Kristen Wiig Man…..Jason Sudeikis Frank…..Matt Dillon Woman at Home…..Amy Poehler
[FADE IN on three narrators and a director around a microphone in a recording studio.]
Barry: Okay, whenever you guys are ready, I’m just gonna roll.
Woman: [softly] Okay, great.
Barry: [into microphone] “Inner Harmony” Relaxation Tape, take one.
[He backs away as slow piano music starts playing.]
Woman: As we begin… relaaaaax… release all of your worries… [smiles deliciously]
Man: Gently inhaaaaaale… and then calmly release the breath…
Frank: [in a loud growl] RELAX. Gently SHUT your EYES… picture yourself in a field of flowers!
Barry: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut. Sorry about this, guys. This is, this is Frank’s first relaxation tape.
Woman: Oh.
Man: I see.
Barry: So, Frank, you need to soften your delivery a little bit.
Woman: Yes, and the volume may be a little bit lower.
Man: And the tone color was a little bit dark.
Woman: A little wavy, yeah.
Frank: I thought it sounded pretty good, but you’re the boss. Whatever you want to do.
Barry: Great. We’re still rolling, guys. [exits]
[piano music]
Woman: As you’re lying on your back… breeeeeeeathe, and squeeeeeeze the muscles in your feet…
[laughter]
Man: Allow yourself to spread to your full length and width… softening all…
Frank: YEAH! You gotta CLOSE your EYES now, c’mon. SHUT ’em. NO PEEKING!
Barry: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Frank, I don’t see those lines anywhere.
Man: Please, stick to the script if you can.
Frank: Why is EVERYONE givin’ me this THIRD DEGREE over this? I was improvising. Give me a freakin’ break! What am I, in Russia?
Woman: You know, Frank, maybe it would help you if you think of something that you find relaxing.
Frank: Got it, got it.
[Frank holds out his hands to give the man ten. The other man winces when Frank slaps his hands. Frank offers the same to the woman and director, but they back up.]
Man: Okay.
Barry: I’m still rollin’.
[piano music]
Woman: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze… your–
Frank: Imagine you’re drivin’ down the street in a Ferrari, you got some hot blonde, like, uh, Gina Lee Nolan. You’re drivin’ by all those dopes from high school, and they’re so jealous–they just wanna blow their freakin’ brains out.
Barry: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Woman: Barry, I’m sorry, I can’t work like this.
Barry: I’m sorry, Frank, this isn’t gonna work. You’re fired.
Frank: Fine. [pulls off headphones] I guess I was just too authentic for you people, huh? Have fun with your relaxation CD. Not that anybody’s gonna buy it!
[He turns to leave.]
Barry: [to other narrators] Okay, I’m sorry about that, guys.
Man: Oh, man.
Woman: That’s so creepy–
[Frank stops at the door and turns around toward them.]
Frank: Oh, just one more thing. If you DO decide to pay me for today’s session, send the check to Valley Lutheran Hospital. That’s where I’m taking care of my sick mom. You have a good day.
Barry: Okay. [to others] WOW.
Frank: [turns back around] Oh, and in case you’re lookin’ for me… you can find me on the Route 3 bus line. That’s how I’d be gettin’ around these days. So you enjoy yourselves.
Woman: [nervously] Thank you.
Barry: Okay, from the top, guys–
Frank: Oh, and one more thing. There’s a salami sandwich in the fridge. TAKE IT, take it, take it–I bought it for you guys with my own money. Okay? You guys have fun, huh?
Man: We’ll try. We’ll try to have fun.
Woman: If we try, um, listening to Track 2–
Frank: Oh, and if you’re wondering… why the floors are so clean? That’s ’cause I came in EARLY, and swept ’em up! SO YOU REALLY HAVE A REALLY NICE DAY!!
Barry: Thank you for doing that.
Man: What if we do it softer–
Frank: Oh, one MORE thing…
Man: You worked fine! You can stay! Here. [holds out headphones]
Frank: [clenches fists] YES! [takes headphones] Okay, pick it up from the top. [takes microphone] Excuse me.
[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a woman lying in bed in a robe with a gel mask over her eyes and candles burning on her dresser. She presses a button on her portable stereo to play the relaxation CD.]
Woman: Feeeeeel how satisfying it is to breeeeeeeeathe in to your full capacity…
Frank: Calm DOWN already. What’s WRONG with you? LAY DOWN ON THE CARPET NOW!
[The woman in bed jerks, takes off her mask, and looks at the camera in disbelief. FADE to black over applause.]
[FADE IN on a man in a business suit sitting at a sushi bar. Japanese Muzak plays in the background.]
CEO: Hi. I’m a CEO type at a large business firm, so you can imagine I eat a lot of sushi. Like boatloads, like beaucoup sushi. When you sit down with clients at a Japanese restaurant, they don’t often know what to order, except common things like edamame, and California rolls. Snoozeville. That’s why I paid someone to write this book.
[He holds up a red book with a picture of himself holding chopsticks and grinning.]
CEO: “How to Order Sushi Like a CEO.” With my book, you’ll learn how to wow them, leaving no doubt in their minds that you know sushi like Kristi Yamaguchi. Watch and learn.
[ENTER waitress in a kimono.]
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato. I think I’ll start with some toro. [to camera] That’s fatty tuna. Whatever I get, I’m gonna be using a lot of namida, or, as uninformed call it, wasabi.
Waitress: So, would you wrike another minute to decide?
CEO: What about your uni? Is the uni good tonight?
Waitress: So you would wrike sea urchin.
CEO: [to camera] Impressive. She knows what uni is.
[laughter]
CEO: You know what? I’ll have some uni sashimi, a couple of mirugai, and maybe some ama ebi.
Waitress: So you want sea urchin, giant cram, and sweet shreemp?
CEO: Sashimi.
Waitress: Yes, sashimi.
CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato.
[The waitress gives a “screw-loose” expression to the camera and exits.]
CEO: There’s nothing I love more, except midmorning fellatio… than sitting with clients or associates, talking about figures, and eating fresh, authentic sushi.
[The waitress sets a plate of sushi on the bar.]
CEO: Ah. Look at that giant raw clam. [fumbles for bottle] I’m just gonna kiss this baby with a little shoyu sauce… or, as losers call it, soy sauce.
[He bends over the plate, lifts the clam to his mouth, and slurps it out of the shell. He gnashes his teeth and struggles to swallow it.]
CEO: Mmmmm.
[He wipes his lips with a napkin and keeps gritting his teeth. After several seconds, he finally manages to swallow the clam.]
CEO: TERRIFIC. [wipes mouth again] Real Japanese people eat the real deal. For instance… like this sweet shrimp. [picks up plate and chopsticks] It’s raw, and it’s still got its head.
[He stuffs the shrimp into his mouth and keeps his teeth clamped down. The tail sticks out as he starts looking ill.]
CEO: Mmmmm.
[He covers his mouth with the napkin and surreptitiously spits the shrimp into it.]
CEO: [wads up napkin and puts it on the bar] That is some phenomenal ama ebi. I’m all about the ama ebi. And I always like to top it off… [picks up plate] with… some uni. [picks up fish with chopsticks] Yep. I’m an uni-olic. I need to go to U-A meetings. Oh, yeah. This stuff is crazy good.
[He places the piece of fish in his mouth, bites down, then turns smoothly to his left and spits it out onto the floor. He takes a deep breath and wipes his mouth again.]
CEO: Phenomenal. So next time you go to a sushi bar… for a business dinner with associates, don’t act like a zero…
[He fumbles for his book and knocks a chopstick onto the floor.]
CEO: Get my book and order like a CEO. Konbanwa?
[Enter waitress.]
Waitress: Anything else, Meester Douche?
[laughter]
CEO: Apparently, that’s my last name in Japanese. [to waitress] Nope. Just the okanjo. [to camera] That means, “check.”
[He winks and grins at the camera over applause. FADE to black.]
Dan Patrick…..Seth Meyer Stuart Scott…..Finesse Mitchell Barry Bonds…..Kenan Thompson Greg Anderson…..Matt Dillon Lou the Seal….. Giants Player…..Bill Hader
[open on title effects: “SPORTSCENTER” with swirling lights]
[dissolve to news desk with Dan Patrick and Stuart Scott]
Dan Patrick: Good evening. [titles: “Dan Patrick,” “Stuart Scott”] I’m Dan Patrick.
Stuart Scott: And I’m Stuart Scott. [titles are removed] Boo-yah! [raises fist]
Dan Patrick: Coming up on “Sportscenter,” we’ll preview the NCA tournament.
Stuart Scott: And I’ll honor Kirby Puckett’s legacy with my own brand of slam poetry.
Dan Patrick: But first we turn to the Barry Bonds steroid scandal. A new book called “Game of Shadows” alleges that Bonds used several types of steroids in his quest for the home run title. Joining us live via satellite is the man himself, Barry Bonds.
[dissolve to Barry Bonds with very muscular arms, sitting in a locker room]
Barry Bonds: Hello.
Dan Patrick: Barry, how do you respond to the allegations in this book?
Barry Bonds: Man, I won’t even look at that book. [title: “Barry Bonds, 7-time MVP”] It’s full of lies. [title is removed] Besides, the book’s too tiny for my giant hands. [he holds up his giant hands and looks thoughtfully at them]
Dan Patrick: Barry, let’s take a look at some photos. This is you in 1998, before allegedly taking steroids. [dissolve to a photo of Barry Bonds with normally proportioned musculature] And this is you in 2004. [dissolve to a photo of Barry Bonds with massive arms and hands, shouting exultantly to the sky]
Barry Bonds: That’s completely natural. It’s called exercise.
Dan Patrick: That doesn’t explain why your head has doubled in size.
Barry Bonds: Well, I got two words for you: head exercises. Yeah, in the off-season, I’ve been thinking real hard. Every day I would do a crossword puzzle, and then I would eat it!
Stuart Scott: Hey, Barry. Stuart Scott here. Boo-yah. In your grand jury testimony, you admitted using an illegal topical cream. But you claimed you didn’t know it was steroids. Money, how can that be true?
Barry Bonds: Look, Stuart, when you’re at the gym and a stranger comes up to you and starts rubbing cream on your shoulders, you don’t ask questions. Haven’t you ever been to the gym? Damn!
Dan Patrick: We’re now joined by the man who allegedly supplied these steroids, Barry Bonds’ personal trainer, Greg Anderson.
[dissolve to Greg Anderson, a very muscular man, with title: “Greg Anderson, personal trainer”]
Greg Anderson: It’s great to be here, Dan. It’s a real dream come true. [title is removed]
Dan Patrick: Really? Because you’re being indicted for selling drugs.
Greg Anderson: Hey, either way, I made it onto “Sportscenter.”
Dan Patrick: Mr. Anderson, did you supply Barry Bonds with performance-enhancing drugs?
Greg Anderson: Absolutely not. The only substance that I ever gave Barry Bonds was an all-natural flax seed oil.
Dan Patrick: Flax seed oil?
Greg Anderson: Yeah, you know, flax seed oil. The kind you inject in your butt.
Dan Patrick: Mr. Anderson, it appears you are also taking steroids.
Greg Anderson: Absolutely not. This has always been my natural physique.
Dan Patrick: Okay, let’s take a look at a photo of you from five years ago. [dissolve to a shirtless photo of Greg, showing a very scrawny torso and arms]
Greg Anderson: I don’t see your point.
Dan Patrick: Look, doctors have come forward and testified that you injected Bonds with steroids.
Greg Anderson: Doctors? You know, I’m tired of these doctors and their accusations. Why don’t these so-called doctors focus on real problems like curing cancer, or back acne, or uncontrollable rage, or man boobs?!
Dan Patrick: Thank you, Mr. Anderson. Sadly, this scandal implicates the entire San Francisco Giants organization. Here to comment is the Giants’ mascot, Lou the Seal. [dissolve to Lou the Seal at Giants’ Stadium, with title: “Lou the Seal, S.F. Giants mascot”] Lou, were you aware of any steroid use. [title is removed]
Lou the Seal: [with a cartoony voice] Never, Dan! The whole Giants team gets my “seal” of approval.
Stuart Scott: Interesting you say that, Lou. Let’s take a look at a photo of you from five years ago. [dissolve to a photo of a baby seal] How do you explain that?
[dissolve to Lou the Seal bent forward while a teammate injects the contents of a needle into his posterior]
Lou the Seal: [groaning in a deeper voice] Oh, yeah, right there! That– [with cartoony voice] Oh!
[Lou and the player run away in opposite directions]
Dan Patrick: Lou the Seal, everyone. Barry Bonds, any final thoughts? Is your legacy tarnished?
Barry Bonds: No, it’s not, Dan. Because the fans understand. They know Barry Bonds comes to play. And after her plays, he has sex on a pile of money. With three supermodels. [he holds up his giant hand and shows four fingers] That’s three supermodels [he cannot bend his overgrown fingers] that are not his wife. [shouts] You know what?! I’m getting out of here! Man, get this damn mike off of me! [stands and leaves]
Stuart Scott: Strong, bewildering words from Barry Bonds. Hey, we’re gonna take a break. But when we return, I’m gonna put Kofi Annan on the Budweiser hot seat. Respect! [raises a fist] You’re watching “Sportscenter.”
[Dan and Stuart fist-bump]
[dissolve to title effects: “SPORTSCENTER” with swirling lights]
An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg
…..Seth Meyers …..Andy Samberg …..Will Forte Street Bum…..Horatio Sanz
[FADE IN on three guys in shirts and ties sitting on a sidewalk bench and eating their lunches.]
Seth Meyers: [points] Oh, my God. That guy over there totally looks like you, Will.
Will Forte: What? Where?
Seth Meyers: Over there on the bench.
[CUT to Will standing with one foot on a sidewalk bench. He is dressed exactly the same except for a fake mustache.]
Will Forte: THAT guy? No way, he doesn’t look like me.
Seth Meyers: Doesn’t that look like him?
Andy Samberg: He looks like you.
Seth Meyers: I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he’s a dead ringer.
Will Forte: Okay, I guess so. That’s pretty good. Okay, Seth, I’m gonna try to find you.
Seth Meyers: Good luck.
[Will peers at passersby.]
Will Forte: Boom. Right there. [points to left]
Seth Meyers: No, where?
Will Forte: Over there by the wall.
[CUT to Seth standing on the sidewalk and dressed exactly the same except for a top hat.]
Seth Meyers: [with his mouth full] Oh, c’mon, that guy looks nothing like me.
Will Forte: Oh, my God, Andy, doesn’t that look like Seth?
Andy Samberg: It looks like you.
Seth Meyers: What? That guy’s got a big top hat, he doesn’t look anything like me.
Will Forte: Well, you gotta imagine him without the top hat. He’s your doppelganger, man.
[Seth covers up the “lookalike’s” top hat with two fingers.]
Seth Meyers: I guess, you know–yeah, I see it. All right, let’s do Andy.
Will Forte: Okay.
[They all scan the streets for a long moment.]
Seth Meyers: [points] There he is.
Will Forte: [points] Wait, I got one too.
Seth Meyers: By the trash can?
Will Forte: Same one. Oh, my God, that is YOU, Andy.
[CUT to a street bum dressed in an green Army surplus jacket, bright red mittens, and jeans cut off at the calves.]
Andy Samberg: THAT guy?
Will Forte: Yeah, that guy.
Andy Samberg: He doesn’t look anything like me.
Will Forte: What, he looks EXACTLY like you.
Seth Meyers: I mean, you gotta look past the gloves.
Andy Samberg: Hey, it’s not the gloves. That guy’s a LOSER.
Will Forte: Fine, who do YOU think he’d look like?
Andy Samberg: I don’t know. [points to right] How about THAT guy?
[CUT to Andy standing against a wall and dressed exactly the same except for a bright green bandanna around his neck.]
Will Forte: Yeah, that guy does not look ANYTHING like you. He’s wearing a green bandanna around his neck.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know–the first guy, that guy’s your twin.
Andy Samberg: THAT guy.
[In disgust, Andy stands up and walks over next to the street bum.]
Andy Samberg: You think I look like THIS guy! [points at bum]
Will Forte: Well, not now, he’s wearing those gloves.
Andy Samberg: Okay, fine!
[Andy pulls off the bum’s gloves and throws them to the ground. The bum stands idly.]
Andy Samberg: How about now?
[Seth stands up and looks bewildered.]
Seth Meyers: Now I… now I can’t tell ’em apart! Which one’s Andy?
Andy Samberg: You gotta be KIDDING me!
[Will and Seth stare for a moment, and then Will aims a handgun at them.]
Will Forte: I don’t know which one to shoot.
Andy Samberg: WHAT?! Why even shoot ANYONE?!
Seth Meyers: Wait. We can ask him something that only Andy knows! Andy, what do you think about sandwiches?
Andy Samberg: I–uh–I–I love them!
Seth Meyers: Andy does love sandwiches.
Will Forte: EVERYONE loves sandwiches!
Seth Meyers: You’re right. Take the shot.
Andy Samberg: DON’T take the shot!!
Seth Meyers: TAKE THE SHOT!!!
[CUT abuptly to black as a gunshot rings out. CUT to Seth and Will back on the bench. The street bum sits between them in his green jacket and finishes Andy’s lunch.]
Will Forte: [sheepishly] I shot the wrong guy.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
[They sit motionless for a moment.]
Seth Meyers: Back to work?
Will Forte: Back to work. [to bum] Let’s go, bozo.
[All three stand up at once and walk calmly away. FADE slowly to black.]
Single Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch Single Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig Dr. L.M. Fontaine…..Finesse Mitchell Single Woman #3…..Amy Poehler
[FADE IN on a woman in a red sweater against a stark white background.] Woman #1: I hated the singles bars. And speed-dating? It was exhausting and frustrating.
[CUT to another woman with red hair.]
Woman #2: I was so tired of the dating scene. I was beginning to think there just wasn’t a man out there for me.
[FADE to Dr. Fontaine in a dark gray suit.]
Dr. Fontaine: I’m Dr. L.M. Fontaine. And I’m here to tell you that there IS somebody for you. I’ve developed a revolutionary NEW dating service that introduces deserving women to an untapped sea of eligible bachelors. Meet the man of your dreams at prisonmate.net.
[FADE to “prisonmate.net” logo as the words slam together like prison doors. The “o” in “prison” is represented by a heart-shaped padlock. “Everlasting Love” starts playing in the background. FADE to Dr. Fontaine against a shot of women talking to prisoners through windows.]
Dr. Fontaine: Prison mates are available, MOSTLY reformed, and are ready for a loving, fulfilling relationship! You’ll never have to worry about commitment issues again. These guys ain’t going nowhere.
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
[FADE to first woman sitting at a row of prison phones.]
Woman #1: The conjugal visits make me feel like the only woman in the world. Who knew the love of my life was just a collect call away?
[When she picks up the phone, PAN through the glass to a balding, scruffy inmate who leers hungrily at her.]
Woman #1: Hi, honey!
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
Dr. Fontaine: The only thing in the world they have to do is lift weights! And think about you REAL hard.
Woman #3: My soulmate is a cellmate.
[ZOOM in past her on an inmate in a straitjacket with a green plastic mask covering his face. He stares wild-eyed at her and groans like a maniac.]
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
All Three Women: [in unison] Thank you, prisonmate.met!
Voiceover…..Chris Parnell Vincent Price…..Bill Hader Don Knotts…..Darrell Hammond Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig Rod Serling…..Matt Dillon
[FADE IN on the TV Land Variety Vault logo with the year “1961” in the middle. ’60s go-go horns play in the background.]
Voiceover: You’re watching TV Land After Dark. You’re high right now, aren’t you?
[FADE to a dark, Gothic parlor as spooky organ music plays. Enter Vincent with a raven on his right shoulder. Lightning and thunder abound.]
Vincent: Salutations, soon-to-be-denizens of the underworld. I’m… Vincent Price. Prepare to embark on a journey MOST wicked! Where, you ask, is our ultimate destination? Is it Mammon’s lair, buried deep within the darkest depths of all-consuming hellfire? Or is it… my St. Patrick’s Day Special?
[CUT to a gray background which is slowly superimposed with the show title in horror film lettering. Happy theme music bounces underneath.]
Announcer: [in a jolly voice] It’s Vincent Price’s St. Patrick’s Day Special. Now, please welcome your host, master of the unholy darkness: Vincent Price!
[FADE back to Vincent over applause.]
Vincent: Erin Go Bragh, brave pilgrim. The holiday ritual in which you are set to participate traces its origins to the most mystical of Celtic tribes: the Druids. Each year those dark souls celebrated the feast of Flaggle-Flaggle-Douschen. A human sacrificial celebration honoring the beast god Braggoth. A pre-vernal Baphenal that would shame Baphomet himself. BLOOD POURING OUT OF EVERY–
[doorbell rings]
Vincent: Oh, who could that be?
[Organ music rises as a coffin lid in the right-hand wall opens up to reveal Deputy Barney Fife.]
Barney: Well, hello, Vincent! Top of the morning to you!
Vincent: Well, if it isn’t Deputy Barney Fife! As portrayed by my good friend, Mr. Don Knotts.
Barney: Hello, every–
[applause]
Barney: Yeah, well…
Vincent: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Hello, everyone! Uh, Vincent, we got a call in to the sheriff’s department saying you were having a St. Paddy’s Day special, and I thought–I thought–Vincent, what in thee WORLD?!
Vincent: I… don’t know what you mean.
Barney: Well, look at all this, ghouls, goblins, cobwebs, coffins! Price, you gotta lighten UP!
Vincent: Yes.
Barney: You gotta have some FUN!
Vincent: Yes.
Barney: Here, put on this hat.
[Barney takes a toy bowler hat with a loop attached to the brim and reaches to put it on Vincent’s head.]
Vincent: [leans away] Well, I’m not… really…
Barney: Put it on!
Vincent: Come on, I’m not a hat person, I’m not…
Barney: Oh, come on, come on–ohhhh, YEAH!
[Barney sets the tiny hat atop Vincent’s head and loops the string under his chin.]
Vincent: You’re right.
Barney: Yeah! [exits]
Vincent: [dryly] It’s perfect.
[organ music rises]
Vincent: AND THE UNHOLY BLOOD FEAST CONTINUES! [thunderclap] I’d like to take this opportunity to recite a short but nonetheless horrifying poem I wrote for this very occasion. I will be accompanied in this endeavor by the melodious tones of the Kilkenny Pipers. BOYS?
[Two bagpipers come out and flank Vincent on either side.]
Vincent: Midnight on the shores of Loch Dirge.
[The bagpipers fire up their instruments loudly.]
Vincent: [shouting over bagpipes] Hounds baying at the scent of freshly spilled blood! Corner of the wicked…
[The Pipers go full-throttle into song and completely drown Vincent out. He shouts his poem uselessly for about ten seconds, gesturing low and high, then finally stops and glares at the piper on his left. When he yells at them to stop, Barney reappears in front of them.]
Barney: Nip it in thee BUD!
Vincent: Thank you, Donny!
Barney: Yeah, well… [exits]
Vincent: [tears up poem] Let’s move on, shall we?
[organ music rises]
Vincent: Each holiday has its traditional foods. In the days of yore, the Druid High Priest would consume the still-beating hearts of one thousand virgins. Today, nothing hits the spot like a nice plate of corned beef and cabbage. Here to bring us that very delight, please welcome Miss Katherine Hepburn. Kate?
[The bookcase on the far wall revolves to reveal Katherine lounging against it in a white shirt and gray slacks. She saunters up to the host.]
Katherine: Oh, Vincent, really, you make me laaaaaaugh.
Vincent: [smirks] Oh, do I?
Katherine: Where, may I ask, did you get that most fetching little crooooooww?
Vincent: Oh, this?
Katherine: I can fly a plane, you know.
Vincent: Oh, really?
Katherine: Also, I wear pants like a man would–does that frighten you, Vincent?
Vincent: You actually want responses to these questions?
Katherine: Sometimes I wear my aviator goggles over my sunglasses, did you know thaaat?
Vincent: That’s implied, yes, I meant to talk about that…
Katherine: Is it? My Uncle Covey says it’s no way for a lady to behave, but I say he’s just being an old poop–wouldn’t you agreeeeee?
Vincent: Okay. Okay. Oh, good. Okay. That’s great. Thanks for stopping by, thanks for stopping by. [nudges her toward stage left]
Katherine: [babbling] We used to have an awful crow problem when I was on the farm in Connecticut. I used to ride horses when I was two! [exits]
Vincent: AND EVIL MARCHES ON!! [thunderclap] My next guest hosts a show which brings unspeakable evil and darkness into America’s homes. Fridays on CBS–check your local listings. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rod Serling.
[Serling appears with his cigarette and takes his place in the foreground. The “Twilight Zone” theme starts up and a spotlight lands on him.]
Serling: A man hosts a poorly conceived St. Patrick’s Day variety special… which seems to be turning into an unmitigated disaster. Is this television special doomed… or have we just set foot… in the Twilight Zone?
Vincent: [leaning over Rod’s shoulder] Yes, “The Twilight Zone.” Yeah. Still waitin’ for the call on that one. Got a hit show about creepy stuff, but you can’t find a role for old Vince Price, eh? Burgess Meredith. Sure. That guy just SCREAMS creepy. But no, not your good buddy Price!
Serling: [over theme] A man doesn’t realize that Burgess Meredith is ten times the actor that he ever was.
Vincent: WOW! WOW! Just like that! On my own show! [steps back] All right, you know, let’s wrap this up.
[horror music starts in]
Vincent: You’ve just witnessed first-hand the ancient evil of the Druids. You now stand powerless, cowering in fear, stripped in your very soul! There’s but one task left before you: HAVE A HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!
[The bagpipers reappear and start back in.]
Vincent: This is why we have rehearsal!
[His words are drowned out once again. SUPERIMPOSE title caption and PAN back as Vincent complains soundlessly under the bagpipe music.]
Announcer: This has been the Vincent Price St. Patrick’s Day Special. Thanks for watching!
[CUT to Studio 8H. The large clock in the foreground reads 12:32 on the right clockface, and 11:33 on the left face.]
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen: Matt Dillon!
[Wearing a black jacket over a dark blue t-shirt, Dillon saunters out to home base over applause as the music winds up.]
Matt Dillon: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thanks, thanks! [waves hands] Listen, I have to say, this is really–it’s been a crazy week for me. Uh, here I am, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and only six days ago, I was in L.A. at the Academy Awards, and even though, I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t win, just getting nominated is an honor, of course, that is… y’know, ’til you LOSE. [laughter] But in any case, that night was a tremendous thrill for me, since “Crash” won Best Picture.
[riotous cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: Y’know, I… thank you. I was so proud to be a part of this film, and playing a racist L.A. cop for six months, y’know, really helped me, uh, better understand the issues of race in America today. My only regret is that I… I didn’t get a chance to read my acceptance speech. So… [laughter] I hope you guys, I’d like ta… is that all right, can I do that?
[The audience and bandmembers cheer wildly as Dillon pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his inner jacket pocket.]
Matt Dillon: Okay. Here goes. [reads off cue cards] Wow, wow, oh wow, wow, that’s… I’d like to thank the Academy. Clooney, you can’t win ’em all! I want to dedicate this to the most talented and diverse cast I’ve ever worked with. Sandra Bullock, Ryan Philippi, uhhhh… oh, Terence Howard, what an actor. I hope you win tonight, Terry. I didn’t get to see the pimp movie… but it’s probably not for me, right? Uh, Ludicrous, you played a great gangster. I know it’s not too much of a stretch. I’m just playin’ with you, brother, just playin’–but he knows what I’m talkin’ about! He knows what I’m talkin’ about. Let’s see, I–I wanna thank, I wanna thank all the Asians in the cast.
[laughter]
Matt Dillon: I’m sorry I kept gettin’ you guys confused. [laughter] But it didn’t matter, because you were all great. Oh, oh–and the Hispanics. They were such an amazing… God, y’know, such an amazing work ethic on those people. Y’know, I was so tired…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: I was so tired at the end of the day, and to think that they all had to… to run off to jump into the back of one, one pickup truck, and go to their second and third jobs. Unbelievable, you know. Oh, and the Arab family. I know none of you are gonna believe this, but they were so nice. They really were the sweetest people. And so CLEAN, so clean.
[laughter]
Matt Dillon: Uh, who else… Oh! All the gays in the wardrobe department. Snaps to you. Uh, my agent, uh, my manager, the producers. Heck, you know, all the Jews who worked in this production…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: And of course, I’d like to thank my mom. I come from a big Irish family, and my mother was always able to take the time to put down the potato peeler and her flask of whiskey… [laughter] …and give me and my 16 brothers and sisters all the love and support we needed. I LOVE ya, Ma!!
[cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: We’ve got a great show for ya tonight, Arctic Monkeys are here, so stick around, we’ll be back.
[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]
Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?
Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.
[laughter]
Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]
Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.
Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.
Brendon: Oh, Gawd.
Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.
Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.
Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
[laughter]
Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…
[A couple walks in front of them.]
Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!
Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.
Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!
[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]
Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.
Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.
Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.
Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.
Brendon: No, none taken.
Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.
[laughter]
Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.
Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.
Julian: I also like WINE.
Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–
[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]
Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?
Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?
Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.
Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.
Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?
Julian: What do you mean?
Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.
[laughter]
Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.
Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.
Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.
Brendon: I remember that.
Julian: It’s not for everyone.
Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?
Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?
Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.
Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–
Janet: Okay! [exits]
Julian: And, voila.
Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]
Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?
Brendon: What’s that?
Lane: You brought that on yourself.
Brendon: That’s not encouraging.
Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.
Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…
[theme song starts up]
Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]
Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!
Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.
[SUPERIMPOSE “JOPLIN: ALIVE podcast.”]
Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!
[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
