Kelly Clarkson: “Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I’d just stare out my window Dreaming of a could-be And if I’d end up happy I would pray.
I wondered what it could be No one else could hear me All I wanted was I wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I pray I could breakaway
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky I’ll make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved I’ll take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway.
Wanna feel the warm breeze Sleep under a palm tree Feel the rush of the ocean Get onboard a fast train Travel on a jet plane, far away And breakaway.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky I’ll make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved I’ll take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway.
Buildings with a hundred floors Swinging around wild indoors Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, but Gotta keep moving on, moving on Fly away, breakaway.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye Make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway.”
Jason Bateman: Ladies and gentlemen – Kelly Clarkson!
Kelly Clarkson: “Here’s the thing, we started out friends It was cool, it was all pretend Yeah, yeah, since U been gone. You dedicated, you took the time It wasn’t long, ’til I called you mine Yeah, yeah, since U been gone And all you’d ever hear me say Is how I’d picture me with you That’s all you’d ever hear me say.
But since U been gone I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I what I want Since U been gone.
How can I put it, you put me on I even fell for that stupid love song Yeah, yeah, since U been gone How come I’d never hear you say I just wanna be with you Well, I guess you never felt that way.
But since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I get what I want Since you been gone.
You had your chance, you blew it Out of sight, out of mind Shut your mouth, I just can’t take it Again and again, and again and again.
Since U been gone I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I get what I want I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you, yeah yeah You should know that I get I get what I want.
Since U been gone Since U been gone Since U been gone.”
Man #1/Match…..Horatio Sanz Woman/Match…..Maya Rudolph Man #2/Match…..Kenan Thompson Man #3/Match…..Rob Riggle Dr. Terry McQuarren…..Will Forte Gay Men…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Man #1 ]
Man #1: I tried online dating. But I never found anyone who liked me for me.
[ cut to Woman ]
Woman: My friends tell me I’m too picky.
[ cut to Man #2 ]
Man #2: I need to find someone who realizes how great I am.
[ cut to Man #3 ]
Man #3: I’m a catch. Women like me. But when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: Hi. I’m Dr. Terry McQuarren, founder of Me-Harmony.com. When you sign up at Me-Harmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject – you.
[ cut to Man #1 and his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Man #1: I can’t believe how lucky I am! Sondra and I finish each other’s thoughts!
Match: And we finish each other’s sentences! It’s amazing!
[ cut to Man #3 being hugged from behind by his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Match: He treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated.
[ cut to Woman standing side-by-side with her masculinely-dressed identical match ]
Woman: I don’t know where I end and he starts.
Match: I have never.. been so attracted to someone on every level.
[ cut to Man #2 standing next to his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Man #2: I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me! But I found her!
Match: You should see people stare at us when we walk down the street! They’re jealous!
[ they both laugh ]
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: Don’t you deserve the perfect match? [ his perfect match steps next to him and smiles ] At Me-Harmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you – but with different sexual organs.
[ cut to Man #2 and his match kissing ]
Together: Thank you, Me-Harmony!
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: And, for alternative lifestyles, visit He-Harmony.com.
Jason Bateman: I want to thank one of the best crews in show business, one of the best casts in show business. Kelly Clarkson. And.. the monkey! The monkey!
[ holding the leash, Bateman squats down to pet the monkey, nearly getting smacked in the face before the monkey turns away from him ]
[open on TRIO network logo with circular rainbow “OUTzone” graphic]
Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching TRIO, the OUTzone: pop culture, unbiased and out. At ten, “Brideshead Revisited,” followed by “Model TV.” But first, “Gays in Space.”
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in a fabulous silver go-go outfit while techno beat plays]
Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.
Male Chorus: Five.
Space Creature: Say what?
Male Chorus: Four.
Space Creature: Nuh-uh.
Male Chorus: Three.
Space Creature: Go ahead.
Male Chorus: Two.
Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick.
Male Chorus: One.
Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!
[dissolve to exterior of fabulously glittering spacecraft with title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode One,” “You did not wear that today.”]
[dissolve to bridge of spacecraft with four seated crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents, Captain Reggie’s top also having wings]
Thad: We’re in the clear, Captain. The star cluster is no longer a threat.
[all cheer as blond male-model waiter wearing much briefer silver outfit enters the bridge with a tray of drinks]
Captain: Great, super. ‘Tails, girls [indicates the waiter]. Now, listen, that was effing close. Whose fault was that, Billiam?
[Givindy takes a cocktail]
Billiam: [gasps] I said, “hyperspeed,” [Thad takes a cocktail] and Navigation chose to ignore me once again. [to waiter] Thank you. [takes a cocktail]
Captain: [to waiter] Get away from me.
Givindy: Sweetie, I am not required to take orders from you. Okay?
Billiam: Yes, you are. I outrank you, I outdress you, and my teeth are straight. [chuckles]
Captain: He just cracked your space face, didn’t he? All right, now, what’s our next destination?
Billiam: I thought we’d hit the methane beaches of Kilpar. What do you think of that?
Thad: Tired! Nobody goes there but old queens and lesbots.
Givindy: Coming from the authority on tiredness.
Thad: Um, at least I don’t tuck my moon pants into my gravity boots, Shania!
Billiam: That is so 2084.
Captain: All right, Givindy, Billiam, Thad, do you guys understand what I’m trying to do here? I’m trying to take us to the next galacticon. Okay bokay? This kind of negativity is counterproductive, and it also is…it’s not productive. It stresses me out. I’m already very crabby because I’m on Space Atkins.
Givindy: Yeah, and you need to stay on that.
Captain: All right, that’s it. Too much negativity. Too much tension. Let’s dance everybody. [techno music plays] Dance it out! Vogue it out! Vogue it out! [all dance except Captain Reggie] Do it! Snap it! Snap it! Quarter turn! Now with the hand movements.
[claxon sounds, music stops, waiter flees into the corridor]
Captain: Red alert! Cheese and rice, everybody! Man your battle stations, bitches! Data report!
Billiam: It appears we’re caught in a tractor beam.
Givindy: Ooh, I do hope it’s those aliens from Zalan V. You know, the ones with the eight big hands and the eight big feet?
Billiam: Establishing communication, Captain.
[Loretta, a very unfeminine woman, appears on the screen]
Loretta: Captain Reggie, we meet again.
Captain: Ugh, it’s Loretta. [forcedly] Hi, Loretta! What is it?
[dissolve to bridge of Loretta’s spacecraft, with Loretta and two other very butch women dressed in plaid and vests.]
Loretta: My brothers, we are in great peril.
[dissolves continue throughout dialogue]
Givindy: I can see that. It’s called a hot oil treatment. Look into it.
Loretta: I’m quite serious. Our population is dwindling.
Captain: Hmmm, I think I know where this is going.
Loretta: The only way our people can survive is by joining together to procreate.
Captain: Oh, get to it, Loretta, please. Spit it out. Blow it on my face. What do you want?
Loretta: We need sperm.
Captain: Right, well, um, Loretta, do you want to know something? I love you guys. We love to party with you. We love the cookouts. We hate your music. We love that you help us when we move. But, when it comes to the sex thing, I’m just…I’m not feeling it.
Loretta: Ditto. That’s why we created the X-25-1000 Donation Enhancement Collector.
Captain: Hmmm, well, shoot it over to me. We’ll take a little look-see at it.
[doorbell rings]
Thad: That’s probably the X-25-1000 now.
Captain: Very quick.
[dark-haired beefcake male enters wearing only skintight silver briefs]
Captain: Oh, my word.
Billiam: Look what Loretta made.
Givindy: Those girls are good with tools, okay?
Captain: Man the throttle. Next stop: Uranus.
Billiam: You did not just go there.
Thad: She went there, and you loved it.
Captain: Oooooh! [zoom over Captain Reggie’s head into porthole of door behind him]
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from right]
Space Creature: Outer space. / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing bigger than Jupiter. / Oh, Gays in Space.
[zoom into star cluster above space creatures’s head, and title: “Gays in Space.”]
Chubb Hotty….Horatio Sanz DJ Sugar Shock….Kenan Thompson Brett Mausner….Jason Bateman Lady Olestra….Kelly Clarkson
[Opens with the title RAP NIGHT with CHUBB HOTTYpainted in urban graffitti. Heavy rap beat plays, DJSugar Shock has his headphones on, mixes and scratcheson his turntable podium.]
DJ Sugar Shock: Yo’, yo’, yo’. This is your boy DJSugar Shock saying it’s time for Rap Night. With yourhost the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in all theworld, Chubb Hotty! Holla!
[Curtain goes up for Chubb Hotty then it getscompletely out of the way for him to enter. Chubb ismorbidly obese, has a red do-rag, gold medallion, jeanjacket, faded jeans, mic on his hand]
Chubb Hotty: Jeah!, jeah!, jeah!, jeah![rapping] I amChubb Hotty the all time best/ I eat a mess of friedbologna from your momma’s chest/ I don’t like nofruit/ don’t eat no banana/ eat more steaks than thenation of Ghana, Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah!
Chubb Hotty: Mad rhymes/chicken wings/ is all I’m about/ you put a tap on my ass/ raw butter comes out/Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, yeah![stops the heavy rapbest]All right, let’s get this thing starte-e-e-ed!
[Pleasant hip-hop intro, Chubb Hotty sits in his big ass chair]
Chubb Hotty: So DJ Sugar Shock, you got any plans for St. Valentine’s Day?
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, I mean, I think I’ll get some ofthose giant Hershey kisses for the kids. Take my wife to the Red Lobster, you know.
Chubb Hotty: That’s nice. Hey, remember that one timeI got thrown out of the Red Lobster at San Diego? Theysaid “all you can eat”. They were lying.
DJ Sugar Shock: That wasn’t a Red Lobster, Chubb. Itwas Sea World. You ate most of Free Willy in front of a class of schoolkids!
Chubb Hotty: “All you can eat”, my ass.[laughs]Myfirst guest is the director of my new video from mysingle “Pork and Chicken Heads”. Mr. Brett Mausner!
[A wigger in a track suit, sunglasses, baseball cap to the side]
Brett Mausner: Yo’ yo’ yo’ yo'[has trouble huggingChubb]How you living, huh? How you been? What you been up to cuz?[sits down]
Chubb Hotty: Yesterday I took a poop the size of a Hyundai.
Brett Mausner: Ah, right. Now listen, yo’s. Here’s mysneak peek at a brand new “Making the Video”.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video. Brett is backstagein a studio, camera splits, shows two Brett’s]
Brett Mausner: Whazzup! Brett Mausner here! Welcome tothe making of Chubb Hotty’s latest joint “Pork andChicken Heads”. Out! On the first day of shootingChubb moves into his trailer on the set.
[Chubb walks into the trailer, destroys the door,takes a few steps into it and falls through the floor,gets his ass stuck on the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Damn! What do they make this trailers out of, man?
Brett Mausner: We shot a very, very sexy scene.
[Three sexy girls are sitting on a bed. Chubb sits onthe edge of the bed eating a humongous sandwich. Twoof the girls fly into the air when he sits, one stayson the crumbling bed watching Chubb slump to the ground]
Brett Mausner: And I think we cut most of this actually.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, man. That video looks hot, bro’!
Brett Mausner: Yeah.
Chubb Hotty: Much love, much love. Speaking of love,earlier I mentioned it was St. Valentine’s Day and tohelp me out and celebrate is my special love, my Lady Olestra.
[Lady Olestra is ghetto fabulous, sits on Chubb’s big ass chair armrest]
Brett Mausner: Oh, my goodness.
Lady Olestra: What’s up, boo?
Chubb Hotty: What’s up, baby? [kiss]Oh, yeah. Baby doggot you a little something for St. Valentine’s Day.
[Chubb takes a little bag out and pulls a skimpy redlingerie for his girl]
Lady Olestra: Chubb, you so nasty![Chubb laughs]I gotyou something too.
[Olestra takes out little bag and pulls out a regularpair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them]
Chubb Hotty: Who them tiny things for?
[Lady Olestra unfolds the boxer shorts, they are huge]
Brett Mausner: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Chubb Hotty: You a good woman, baby. All right DJSugar Shock, let’s hit it!
[Romantic music plays, Lady Olestra mic on handproceeds to sing beautifully]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for boo….
[Chubb can’t get out of his chair, Brett gives him ahand, he’s pulling hard, Chubb falls on him pinningagainst his chair, finally Chubb gets up. He standsnext to Lady Olestra mic on hand]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Because he’s my favorite man to do….
[Brett claps along in the back]
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] Tonight, I celebrate my love for food!
Lady Olestra: Ugh!
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] I found a coupon for 3 Arby’sbeef and cheedar for the price of two!/ I also lovethis little lady/ but honestly not as much as agarbage can full of gravy!
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love foryou….[Chubb hugs and picks Lady Olestra up for akiss and he farts] Chubb! That is nasty!
Chubb Hotty: Sorry, I sprained myself.
Lady Olestra:[sings]And I hope and pray I don’t getcrushed under you…[another fart from Chubb] Chubb, that is really nasty!
Chubb Hotty: That ain’t the end of it either.
[Extreme flatulence comes from Chubb. A long, unholy fart]
Chubb Hotty: Matter of fact, I had ’em on my Cheerios this morning.
[DJ Sugar Shock is disgusted]
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, that is it! The show is over! I wanna get outta here!
[Brett is fanning himself behind Chubb]
Brett Mausner: Good Lord, Chubb. That is…that…th–
[Brett keels over from his chair to the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, damn.
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, look at that! He passed out! Callthe paramedics or something! I ain’t hanging around inthis funky mess any longer than I have too![takes the headphones off, leaves]
Chubb Hotty: Good night, ya’ll! Stay tuned for theTony Danza show, coming up next.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: February 12th, 2005 Jason Bateman Kelly Clarkson None None Jeff Richmond Paula Pell NBC Special ReportSummary: At a press conference, Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) answers questions of praise toward him. Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Kim Jong Il.
Jason Bateman’s MonologueSummary: Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler make an appeal for viewers to watch “Arrested Development,” so Amy’s husband, Will Arnett, will keep a job and Amy can keep her boat. Bio: Jason Bateman (1969-). Actor; younger brother of Justine Bateman; son-in-law of singer/composer, Paul Anka; starred in sitcoms “It’s Your Move”, “The Hogan Family” (formerly “Valerie”), and “Arrested Development”.
Me-Harmony.comSummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match. Transcript
Monkeys Throwing Poop at CelebritiesSummary: A suspicious Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) is tricked into appearing on the show, and is promptly pummelled with monkey poop. Recurring Characters: Sean Connery, Sharon Stone, Carrot Top, Bill Cosby. Transcript
An Important Moment In Black History ISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to skydiving. Transcript
The Best of T.T. & MarioSummary: The songs of T.T. (Maya Rudolph) & Mario (Kenan Thompson) are booty-licious. Transcript
The SubwaySummary: Fearful of being held accountable, a man (Jason Bateman) happily gives money to bad subway performance acts. Transcript
An Important Moment In Black History IISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to direct deposit. Transcript
Kelly Clarkson performs “Since U Been Gone”Bio: Kelly Clarkson (1982-). Singer; became the first “American Idol” champion in 2002, and co-starred with runner-up, Justin Guarini, in the film “From Justin to Kelly” a year later. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Boyles (Fred Armisen) creep out the audience while making out with one another. Because Kenan Thompson loves to work, he doesn’t join Tina and Amy in making fun of Bill Cosby’s sex charges. Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Transcript
Gays in SpaceSummary: In Episode 1, the gay space crew do a favor for a lesbian space crew, by agreeing to donate their sperm to preserve the lesbian race. Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad. Transcript
Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Topher Grace.
An Important Moment In Black History IIISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to sushi. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Michael Jackson on Neverland RanchSummary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial. Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera. Note: This sketch will air in the episode hosted by Hilary Swank.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair. Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.
The “Blah Blah Blah” AwardsSummary: Award winners’ acceptance speeches rattle on endlessly without ever saying anything of merit.
Annoying WaiterSummary: An annoying waiter (Fred Armisen) condstantly bothers a couple (Jason Bateman, Rachel Dratch) on their first date.
Air Date: